"Mistakes Happen"- Recently Released Brazilian Soccer Player On His Girlfriend (That He Happened To Have Murdered & Fed to Dogs)
Bruno Fernandes de Souza was a star keeper in Brazil who was sentenced to 22 years in jail for his involvement in the murder of his then girlfriend, model Eliza Samudio, with whom he was involved in a paternity dispute while still married to his wife. Friends of his kidnapped Samudio, tortured her, killed her, and then fed her dismembered body to his rottweilers.
Bruno, who confessed to his involvement in the crime, was released last month after his lawyers applied for a writ of habeas corpus because the Brazilian courts were too slow to hear his appeal. He served six years and seven months. Not long after Bruno got out, because sports are very often the worst, Brazilian clubs were expressing interest in his goalkeeping services. Amid growing controversy, second division club Boa Esporte signed him to a two-year deal.
In response to the outcry following his signing, Bruno has sought to defend himself. Which brings us back to our headline. He told The Guardian that "mistakes happen," among several other crazy things:
"Dude, what happened, happened. I made a mistake, a serious one, but mistakes happens in life – I'm not a bad guy. People tried to bury my dream because of one mistake, but I asked God for forgiveness, so I'm carrying on with my career, dude. I'm starting over."
Michael Scott said it best
We all have flaws, we all make mistakes.
Surrrrrrrrreeeee, sometimes Bruno is involved with the kidnapping, torture and murder of his girlfriend. And yes he was also married at the time, but that doesn't automatically make him a bad guy. How could you make such an insane jump to conclusions?
You can't judge an entire person's life over one mistake. Everybody knows that. Are you really going to let one second define a lifetime?
Sure, Hitler killed a let's say "a lot of Jews", but he also painted. Painters are usually nice guys. Just look at Bob Ross. Yeah, Timothy McVeigh sort of, kinda blew up 168 people, but he also served in the U.S. Army. We all know you can't be that bad of a guy if you serve your country. I'm just saying we all just make mistakes
Let's find a positive.
He didn't waste her body. That's a positive right there.
He could've just buried it, dropped it in the ocean or burned her remains. There's literally endless possibilities of what you can do with a dead body after you murdered someone. Bruno and his friends could've done anything, yet they did the right thing and used her remains to feed his dogs. That alone should tell you all you need to know about the caring guy we're dealing with who deserves this second chance. Not gonna let those Rottweilers go hungry, not on his watch.
He doesn't waste any remains. So you know he won't waste his second chance. I can respect that. It's like the stories of Native Americans who would kill buffalo and use there bones to make forks and knifes. It's okay to kill as long as you don't let any part go to waste.
Basically the same thing.
Plus I mean he's right, he made a mistake, and even he'll admit it's a serious one. Guy, he knows it's worse than getting whole milk when you were supposed to get 1%. Even though arguably that's a worse offense. Whole milk is disgusting.
He's not a bad guy, don't judge him on this one lapse in judgement. I mean we can't judge people on one mistake they've made. That's not how society has worked for thousands upon thousands of years or anything.
Of course I'm joking. I feel like I shouldn't have to say that, but you never know. Obviously this guy is a monster who should be in jail for the rest of his life/dead, but Brazil is a fucked up country to say the least. How you can serve less than 7 years for being involved with this crime to steal a quote from the birthday boy, Dave Portnoy is "Bananaland'.
I honestly don't blame the guy for trying to live a normal life. Yes he's a scumbag who shouldn't be on the streets, but he is. He got lucky and still has years to live so of course he's going to try to make the best of them. I can understand him trying to play soccer and live a semi-normal life. But what I can't understand is how a team would sign this guy. That is beyond me. With how popular that horrible sport is there has to be some free agents out there who can give you similar production to a guy who just spent 7 years in jail for giving the okay to feed his girlfriend to fucking dogs. Little free PR for ya, probably not a great idea to sign a guy who murdered his girlfriend.
That being said, if this means Aaron Hernandez can get a 2nd chance in like 3 years I'm in. At least he was high on PCP when he killed like 39 people. That's a better excuse than "mistakes happen".
Song: Losing My Religion
Album: Out of Time (1991)
The death of Jose Fernandez was shocking and tragic. I remember waking up that Sunday morning and being in utter disbelief. I had notifications and texts about the horrible news and just couldn't believe it. I didn't want to believe it. I wrote about it that day rip-jose-fernanez.html and just thinking about it more now bums me out. Being so close to his age (about 6 months older not that it matters) and just being such a big fan of his really shook me up. It's cliche but life really can end any second. One second you're here, the next you're not. I can't believe it's already been six months. You move on and go about your life, like I don't think about him everyday or anything like that but it still shakes me up thinking about this because that could happen to anybody. I know I get reads from adults on Facebook but I'm talking to them too because I know they were young once, let's not act like every single person hasn't been intoxicated and done something they shouldn't have done.
Now toxicology reports and the investigation are out. It claims Fernandez was operating the boat at the time of the crash (although I've read multiple sources that still believe you can't 100% prove it) and that he was legally drunk and had cocaine in his system at the time of the crash.
What I don't understand is how everybody is so shocked?
I'm gonna be real for a second, if you didn't think those three guys were drunk and doing blow you're an idiot. They were out on a boat in the middle of the night in MIAMI. What the hell else do you think was going down? When I picture Miami I just think of boats and coke. That's all that goes on down there. Did you really need a toxicology report to figure out they were fucked up at the time? It sucks thats what happened but that doesn't change the fact that it's an absolute tragedy. Three men under the age of 30 are dead. Three families lost their son. Never coming back. They all made a huge mistake by being out there. Nobody should ever go out on a boat after dark, especially with no lights, but dragging Jose's name through the mud isn't going to change anything. He did a lot of great things in his life off the baseball field and was a great ambassador for the Cuban people living in Miami. I think if there's anything that can come out of this tragedy it's that it doesn't matter how rich or successful you are. Anybody can fuck up and have end up costing them their life. Everybody just needs to realize they aren't invincible and it could all end at any moment.
Song: Feel It Still
Artist: Portugal. The Man
I literally exhaled and said thank God when I found out the Pats resigned Dont'a. I just feel a sense of relief. The talks around the NFL have been that he was most likely going to return to the Pats, but I wasn't going to believe that until it was official. Just the pessimistic inside of me. Sry. I just did not feel comfortable letting him get to free agency, I really thought he was gone. I figured some team would offer him a deal the Pats wouldn't come close to matching.
With Dont'a visiting the Jets and Steelers the last week or so I was wicked scared that he'd sign with one of those teams. I think they both made a big mistake by not adding him, it makes them better and weakens the Pats. Which basically would be worst case scenario to me. Jets and Steelers are towards the top of my hate list and will be there on until the day I die. Actually my hate for them will follow me into the grave. To lose one of my favorite (and most important players on the team) players to a team I hate would be devastating. Luckily that didn't happen.
I've been working on my NCAA tournament blog for the last few hours want to get back to that but I had to say something about Dont'a returning. I'm just relieved he's coming back. Now the Pats just need to get everything with Malcolm Butler figured out. But that's for another post.
The easy comparison to make with this re-signing is that of safety Devin McCourty after the Patriots won Super Bowl XLIX. He tested free agency, but ultimately returned to the Patriots with a fair deal. Hightower is now locked up for 4 years at 43.5 million dollars with 19 million guaranteed. He's definitely worth the money but I'm shocked there wasn't a team that went crazy higher. I'm glad to see Dont'a stayed with a winning over getting paid with a bum organization (Jets). Hightower who like Devin is a team captain did the same and ultimately returned. Now the Patriots defense which has vastly improved this off season now has it's All-Pro linebacker returning for the next 4 (we'll see) years.
Now that Dont'a is back I'm all in the Pats winning their 3rd Super Bowl in 4 years for the second time. Wonder who we'll play in Minnesota? My guess is the Packers.
What's even better news is now I can order this bad boy.
You would think that since URI ended their 18 year tournament drought this season that I'd be a lot more in tune with the inner workings of this college basketball season.
You would be wrong.
Despite my Rams making it for the first time since 1999, other than watching them and a few big games here and there I really haven't been paying attention to college basketball that much this year. Since I got really into college basketball when I was like 12 I'd say this year I've paid attention to the least since I got into the sport. I don't think I could name 20 players in college basketball right now. It's crazy how much retiring from gambling has impacted my level of interest this season.
So going into the bracket I don't really know that much about this season. I know the major story lines, like how Greyson Allen trips somebody once a game, or that Lonzo Ball has a crazy helicopter dad. But I haven't really paid much attention to the actual games, like I have no idea what style of play these teams run. But the beautiful thing about March Madness is that doesn't really matter. With the unpredictability of the NCAA tournament someone who knows nothing about college basketball and just picks based off mascots or colors could do better than someone with a great knowledge of the sport. So despite not having a great feel for college hoops this year, I am here to help you guys fill out your bracket. I've been a multiple bracket guy in the past but this is going to be the only bracket I make and the one that I submit into the pool I'm doing with my friends. Here's my picks, you can take them or leave them. So without further ado lets take a look.
Winners in bold
(1) Villanova v (16) Mount Saint Marys:
It's an awesome story that MSM went from 1-11 to the NCAA tournament but against the defending champs it ends. No shame in losing to Nova. Used to be an anti-Nova guy but I've become a Jay Wright fan the last year plus, he can thank the boys at Pardon My Take for a big part of that.
(8) Wisconsin v (9) Virginia Tech
Picking this solely off history (and my love for Big Cat) Virginia Tech basketball is irrelevant. Wisconsin is a great tournament team no matter what. Look at last year all the shit they went through with Bo Ryan retiring and they still made like the sweet 16. On Wisconsin.
(5) Virginia v (12) UNC-Wilmington
I actually saw UNC-W give Duke a hard game in the first round last year when the tournament was in Providence, they are a solid mid major (does that sound like I know what I'm talking about?) They're a really hot upset pick to the point where I think everybody is discounting how good Virginia is. I know they still have that guy who did the finger smell celebration after hitting a 3 in the tournament last year. This team should've been in the Final 4 last year. Virginia moves on.
(4) Florida v (13) East Tennessee State
I'm a gator guy but my instinct is telling me this going to be the upset nobody saw coming.
(6) SMU v (11) TBD
They're probably going to play PC and I'm never going to pick PC to win. Plus I feel like SMU has been pretty good since Larry Brown took over but have only been in the tournament one other time, I feel like they're due to win a game or two.
(apparently that is not the case anymore, had 0 clue Larry Brown wasn't their coach anymore)
Pretty fucked up of my college roommate to let a little error like that stop him from reading. Especially after I basically gave him my fifa and ps3 freshmen year of college. Dude played it more than I did.
(3) Baylor v (14) New Mexico St
I feel like Baylor was #2 in the country like 3 weeks ago. I saw them lose to Yale last year in an awesome 12-5 upset at the Dunk. Purely going off believing they won't get upset two years in a row. Used to fuck with Baylor heavy when my dude Brady Heslip was banging 3s. Baylor moves on in what could be their final NCAA run as the entire institution may get shut down for all the shit they've been pulling.
(7) South Carolina v (10) Marquette
I'm always gonna pick Marquette. I have a friend who went there and they'll always have a soft spot in my heart. Plus South Carolina basketball is a joke, I'm pretty sure they've never won a tournament game. I know in the 90's they lost a ton as a very high seed, purely off history and names alone I'm going Marquette. I'd be shocked if South Carolina won.
(2) Duke v (15) Troy
Unless they play this in Persia I don't give Troy much of a chance.
Round of 32:
(1) Villanova v (8) Wisconsin
Any other year I'd pick Wisconsin to lose this game. I was heavy on the Nova chokes in the tourney bandwagon but after what they pulled off last year and how solid they've been this season I expect them to be back in the Final 4. Ironically on the Pardon My Take interview Big Cat asked about Wisconsin because he was down on them and Jay Wright was like they're good don't worry. It would be some shit to see them knock out the defending champs after that. Don't think it'll happen give me Nova.
(5) Virginia v (13) ETSU
I mean come on, do I really have to explain this one?
(3) Baylor v (6) SMU
In a battle of Texas schools with checked pasts (and presents for Baylor) I'm taking the underdog who already had the death penalty to their football program over the team who will inevitably suffer the same fate. SMU.
(2) Duke v (10) Marquette
This Duke team is going to have a deep run. I hate it as much as anybody else but I just have a feeling after all the distraction this season they're just gonna find a way to win games in March. Would love to be wrong.
(1) Villanova v (5) Virginia
In the V school championship game I'll take Villanova. I am drinking that Wildcat kool-aid this year.
(2) Duke v (6) SMU
In my heart of hearts if this game ever happens I don't see a way school like Duke losing to fucking SMU.
(1) Villanova v (2) Duke
For the sake of the tournament I hope this game happens. Would be a great match up to watch. I hate Duke and kinda like Nova now so I'm going with my heart here.
(1) Gonzaga v (16) South Dakota St
I'm not gonna waste my time writing about 1 v 16 match ups anymore.
(8) Northwestern v (9) Vanderbilt
This could be the National Championship game if this were an academic tournament. The big storyline this year has been how Northwestern finally made the tournament for the first time in school history. I am a sucker for stories like that, they'll probably get their doors kicked in but I'm a sucker and will pick the first time team to win a game. Prepare for another few days of nerds in sports media bragging about Northwestern.
(5) Notre Dame v (12) Princeton
This could also be Final 4 match up of an academic tournament. Normally I pick the Ivy league schools but my friend Bill who knows a lot about basketball has been talking about Notre Dame winning it all for a few weeks and I'm going to steal his pick for a little while and ride ND. They have good veteran guard play which is what the tournament is all about. Not my words.
(4) West Virginia v (13) Bucknell
If you can tell me where Bucknell is without looking up the answer I'll give up $5. Nobody knows. I'm not even sure if it really exists TBH. One thing that I know exists for a fact is Bob Huggins, his jumpsuits and FUPA. That alone should give Press-Virginia at least one win.
(6) Maryland v (11) Xavier
This is an awesome matchup between programs who never should've left their conference. I miss the Temple & Xavier A-10 days it was great for the conference and the fact that Maryland is not in the ACC anymore should be a Supreme Court issue. Just isn't right. I like Melo Trimble a lot, mainly because he's one of the few college players I actually know the name of. I think he could bring this team, who has been slept on all year to the second weekend and beyond of the dance.
(3) Florida State University v (14) Florida Gulf Coast
I'm getting sucked into Dunk City again and fully okay with admitting it. I think that the game is in Florida kind of helped FGSU even though both teams hail from the Sunshine St. I have a lot of family ties to FSU so of course I'm rooting against them. DUNK CITY BABY
(7) St Mary's v (10) VCU
I'm an A-10 guy.
(2) Arizona v (15) North Dakota
They have basketball in North Dakota?
Round of 32:
(1) Gonzaga v (8) Northwestern
I haven't seen much of Northwestern but I'm guessing that team does not have a guy who can match up with the mountain that is Przemek Karnowski. It'll be a very bad look for this program who despite a like 20 year run of success, has still not made the Final 4 to lose to Northwestern, a team making it's first tournament appearance.
(4) West Virginia v (5) North Dame
One coach looks like Buddy Garrity's brother.
One looks like traveling salesmen after a long weekend bender during a conference in Kansas City
Together I think these two coaches teams will give us one of the best games of the 2nd round. I'm riding with my guy Bill on this one. Give me ND.
(6) Maryland v (14) FGSU
I really like Maryland and think they're a team who can make some noise in the tourney. Midnight comes early from FGSU.
(2) Arizona v (10) VCU
If you can't beat URI how are you gonna beat Arizona?
(1) Gonzaga v (5) Notre Dame
The experts are saying this is the year Gonzaga proves us all wrong and makes the final 4. Until that happens I'm picking against them. Mike Brey as much as he looks like he hasn't slept in 3 days is running a solid program at ND. Fighting Irish knock out the Zags.
(2) Arizona v (6) Maryland
I don't wanna spoil my bracket but I'm not picking against Arizona. Idk why.
(2) Arizona v (5) Notre Dame
Read the last sentence I just wrote again
(1) Kansas v (16) does it really matter who they play?
(8) Miami v (9) Michigan St
Purely off name and history here. Come tournament time (except last year when they were my national champion pick and lost in the first fucking round to a 15 seed) Tom Izzo always has his guys ready to go in March. MSU has had a down year by their standards. Their entire team coach walk into my room right now and I wouldn't know it's them but I'm going off legacy and the name on the front of the jersey over the one on the back. Michigan St.
(5) Iowa St v (12) Nevada
Of all the 5-12 games this is the one I like the best for an upset. Gotta pick a team from the gambling capital of the world to have a little magic in the tourney.
(4) Purdue v (13) Vermont
As a New Englander I'm legally required to pick this. Really hope UVM pulls it off.
(6) Creighton v (11) University of Rhode Island
Did you really think I'd pick against URI? But in all seriousness as much as I love my alma mater and want them to win, I also think they got a very favorable match-up. Creighton historically has great regular seasons and does nothing in the tourney. Look at Dougie McBuckets entire career, never made it out of the opening weekend. I don't know his name and don't need to waste time looking it up but I know Creighton lost one of their best players to an ACL and have been stumbling ever since. They were like #8 in the country at one point and now are a 6 seed. My Rams are hot AF rn and I think they keep it going. RHODY RHODY RHODY RAMS RAMS RAMS
(3) Oregon v (14) Iona
I usually don't pick football schools just because my brain can't comprehend them also being good at basketball. However Oregon has transformed into a basketball school the last few years given the struggles of their football program since Aloha Jesus went to the NFL. They also lost a guy to an injury as well. I think Iona could give them a good game (totally just guessing here) but Oregon pulls it out.
(7) Michigan v (10) Oklahoma St
I've always rooted for Michigan. Mainly because it's where Tom Brady went to school and it's also where my future boss, Dave Portnoy (ever heard of him?) also went. Plus I think it's cool that they won the B1G Ten after they had that mini-plane crash situation the other week. I like John Beilein too think he's a good college coach. OKST has been a hot sleeper team but I don't believe so. Hail to the Victors.
(2) Louisville v (15) Jacksonville St
It's Louisville, dude.
Round of 32
(1) Kansas v (9) Michigan St
I feel like this is a game Tom Izzo could totally pull out of his ass but I'm too big of a pussy to put that on my bracket. All I know about Kansas is that Perry Ellis finally left after 29 years in college and that someone got suspended for a hit and run. Idk if I'm a Bill Self fan or not but it's been a few years since they made a Final 4 so what the hell. Rock Chalk JayHawk.
(12) Nevada v. (13) Vermont
This game will be can't miss tv. Two national powers with household names going at it. Nevada wins a close one between two perennial contenders.
(3) Oregon v (11) Rhode Island
Oregon has a key player out as I said previously and I have been saying since Danny Hurley got hired that he's going to bring this team to a Sweet 16 and leave. Rams pull off the upset again and make it to the second weekend of the tournament for the 3rd time in school history.
(2) Louisville v (7) Michigan
Louisville's tournament run lasts as long as Pitino does when he see's a sexy waitress in a bar. I really am a big narrative guy as I've said countless times before on my blog, I think Michigan really rallied around that "crash" and will keep it rolling in the tourney.
(1) Kansas v (12) Nevada
Not going to waste my time.
(7) Michigan v (11) Rhode Island
I love my Rams but I think their lack of consistent offense and horrible free throw shooting finally catches up with them after a nice tournament run. Also gotta suck up to get hired at BSS.
(1) Kansas v (7) Michigan
I hate the right side of the bracket and just went Kansas. I hate being so lame but I also need to try to win this pool.
(1) UNC v (16) Texas Southern
(8) Arkansas v (9) Seton Hall
I didn't even realize Seton Hall was good this year. Fuck it I'll roll with the big east here.
(5) Minnesota v (12) Middle Tennessee St
Everybody is talking about MTSU pulling off another upset so I feel like I sheep just picking them, but I mean it's why more fun this way. Plus I actually do know that Minnesota is over seeded, I've heard a lot of that. I know it's been a rough year with Prince and everything but it's gonna get worse cause you're not making it to the weekend. MTSU
(4) Butler v (13) Winthrop
They have a Rhode Islander who's been a key part of the team for 4 years, Andrew Chrabascz. Gotta go Butler. Plus they're always a solid tourney. I actually know they've beaten Nova twice this year. I think they're for real.
(6) Cincinnati v (11) Kansas St
Cincy was a top 20 team all year and are getting disrespected. I think they have a nice run. (this one game)
(3) UCLA v (14) Kent State
I hate Lonzo Ball and his dad but I mean let's just be for real? UCLA is nasty, they're not gonna lose to Kent State.
(7) Dayton v (10) Wichita State
Wichita State has been my adopted mid-major baby since the year they went undefeated. They are what's great about college basketball. Solid program who develops players and year after year put up results. They are criminally under seeded for the 3rd year in a row. They were ranked 21 in the country but are a 10 seed, I don't get how that works? I am A-10 guy and know Dayton has a good coach but picking against Wichita State in the first round is something I'll never do.
(2) Kentucky v (15) Northern Kentucky
Round of 32:
(1) UNC v (9) Seton Hall
UNC is good right?
(4) Butler v (12) MTSU
I think Butler is going to the Final 4. Straight up.
(3) UCLA v (6) Cincinnati
Idk man this is getting so tiring.
(2) Kentucky v (10) Wichita State
It's be very cool for WSU to get revenge from 2014 although I don't think about is left from either school. I'm just a shocker guy what can I say? Fuck Kentucky.
(1) UNC v (4) Butler
Butler is due for another, "what the fuck how are they in the Final 4 again?" run.
(3) UCLA v (10) Wichita State
Gregg Marshall gets his guys into the elite 8. Lonzo Ball declares for the NBA before he end takes his uniform off.
(4) Butler v (10) Wichita State
Two mid-majors I have a ton of love and respect for. I know this match-up probably won't happen but damnit I'm gonna root for it to. Butler advances to it's 3rd final four since 2010.
Final Four Weekend:
(1) Villanova v (2) Arizona
I think Arizona has a solid chance to win it all but aren't like a sexy pick. Trying to get value to win the pool while still having a realistic team in the finals.
(1) Kansas v (4) Butler
Yeah let's just roll with this. In a year where I really don't have a great feel for the tourney I went with a combo of blast from the past and the perennial favorite. Could I name a single player on Kansas right now for a million dollars? No I couldn't but that's okay I have them in the National Championship Game.
National Championship Game:
(2) Arizona v (1) Kansas
I decided today I am rolling with the wildcats. Partly because of my love for Gronk, partly because I know they're actually pretty good, and partly because I think Sean Miller is a great college coach. This is the year he gets a championship. With that being said I haven't picked the winner correctly since 2006-07 when the gators went back to back. As long as URI doesn't lose in the first round and Kentucky/Duke/UCLA doesn't win it all I'm happy.
It's been a LONG time since my last uber chronicles the-uber-chronicles-volume-1.html but alas I have returned.
If Indiana Jones can go 19 years between movies, I can go a few (6) months between volumes of the uber chronicles. There's been a few attempts at a second volume but they just didn't have what it takes for whatever reason to get posted. Just not a ton of great stories plus I haven't been Ubering a ton lately, so there's not a lot of material. Frankly it isn't really worth it financially to uber unless it's surging, and it doesn't surge a ton around here. However Saturday that was not case as I out on the mean streets during the St. Patrick's Day Parade in Newport.
Let's relive that day with the most notable rides of the day. Think only the riders find uber weird and uncomfortable? Think again.
PSA: Shut The Damn Door
This happens whenever I drive people to Bon Vue and happened again Saturday, at least twice that I can remember. Just thinking about it makes my blood boil, knowing theres so many inconsiderate people around.
PSA if you ever are in an uber, make sure to shut the door when you get out of the car. People (95% of the time girls) will get out of my car and just leave their door wide open. So to all those scumbags, shut the fucking door when you get out of my car!
I don't know what is with these people?
Is it a drunk thing?
I don't know if I can take that as a solid excuse because in all my years of being a drunk ass hole I've at least had to decency to shut doors when I get out of the car.
Is it just a stupid entitled brat thing?
I think we've all seen how shitty millennials can be, especially college aged ones. Were they too busy protesting shit they know nothing about to not learn about common courtesy?
When you get out of car you're supposed so shut the door, plain and simple. You got an uber sweetheart, not a limo. Spend a little more cash if that's what you're expecting.
I don't understand how someone could get out of a car and not have the wherewithal to have common sense and shut the door when they get out.
Half Hour Ride In Complete Silence
At around 10:15 am I have a request to pick up someone in Middletown. I figured it was just more people wanting to go to the parade/bar scene, since that made up 95% of my rides Saturday.
It was not.
No instead when I got to the destination I was alarmed to see an at least 500 pound black lady wearing no green standing outside waiting for me. Figured out pretty quickly she wasn't going to Thames St. Instead, I was being taken off track to North Kingstown. Normally that would piss me off, but while uber was surging I didn't care. I'll take you as for as you wanna go when my profits are multiplying.
I was shocked to see someone waiting outside for me. While I appreciate this lady being ready to go instead of the usual ass holes that make me wait 10 minutes, this was a savage move. Who waits outside in 15 degree weather for an uber? It literally blows my mind. The cold was the biggest reason why I ultimately opted not to go to the parade to drink. The word savage gets tossed around a little too freely nowadays, but that is truly savage to wait outside in 15 degree weather when you don't have to.
Also I don't need to hear it from people about me mentioned how big this lady was. She was YUUGE and it's important detail for the story. Plus I'm allowed to talk shit about fat people since I am one, similarly to have black people are allowed to use the n word. You can say whatever you want about your own kind. I don't make up the rules I just live by them.
So she gets in and I give my little "do you need a iPhone charger, water or care what the radio station is?" speech. After that it's all up to them. Normally my big rule of thumb when Ubering is that I let the rider decide if we're gonna talk or not. I really couldn't care either way, but for longer rides like this it's usually better to have some sort of dialogue going.
Well this lady didn't even think that, or even answer any of those questions. Nope, not a word from her except thanks at the end of the ride. Just a half hour of silence while I listened to Tame Impala's Currents for the 40th time. (She didn't answer about music) It was so uncomfortable, just two interracial fatties in complete silence listening to psychedelic rock. What an image.
It was very odd but I felt like I had to keep it going. While 15 minutes of silence was uncomfortable, you kinda have to just keep it going, we both had already committed to not talking.
Plus know what's even more uncomfortable?
Acknowledging the situation about how weird sitting in complete silence for a half hour is.
I just powered through and tried to get this lady to here destination as soon as possible. I felt so uncomfortable the entire time, but every second we didn't speak, it was just another second closer to her getting out of my car.
Still don't understand why she was waiting outside in 15 degree weather, and I'll never know. Maybe I should've said something...
History Buff Totally Shows Me Up
I picked up these people from the hotel across from Newport Grand at 9:29 AM.
It's 3 guys and a girl who all went to Salve and are back in town for the parade. After I give my textbook "charger, radio, water" speech they keep on talking as drunken people tend to do. I tried to bow out and just let them talk to each other.
This is where
The girl in the back was talking about how she's a teacher and by instinct I was like "oh that's cool I teach too". Which is half true since I'm a substitute teacher.
I did not think this entirely through, because by doing that I opened up the enviable next question from someone when you tell them you teach which is of course "what do you teach?"
I then backed off and with my tail between my legs had to be like "well I'm just a sub". Sure, I could lie and say I'm a history teacher or something else, but I really don't like lying, even to strangers who are gonna be in my car for 12 minutes.
When I lie I like to make it count by doing it to people I care about.
So I tell them I'm just a sub, but I'm certified in history (which is true). This is where the guy in the front seat thinks my uber just turned into cash cab and he's Ben Bailey. The dude just starts peppering me with history questions.
First he goes what do you think about the IRA?
I go bro I straight up don't know what that is. I actually do know it's the Irish Republican Army, but after that my knowledge on the topic basically ends (although I have seen Peaky Blinders) So in order to avoid sounding like a complete idiot I just said I didn't know. I don't know what would've been better.
Then he goes how about the Spanish Armada? Which was random AF. At least I get the IRA question during the St. Patrick's Day Parade but like dude why are you doing this to me right now? Again, it's like 9:30 on a Saturday morning. I really don't want to talk history right now. He starts asking me what I think about that? I had nothing to tell him. I felt like a complete idiot.
Asking me out of the blue about history is like asking a comedian on the street to tell you a joke. It's not the right setting. It's an uneasy, uncomfortable situation. Except ideally a comedian is usually funny. I honestly don't know shit about history. I have the few random things I'm in to, but for the most part when I'm teaching I just look up everything the night before.
I was getting so mad, like it's the St Patrick's Day Parade bro, and I'm a fucking loser uber driver, why don't you worry a little more about drinking and a little less about making the uber driver look like an idiot? I hope that guy got arrested Saturday.
Near Break Up
I have given hundreds of uber rides in my day, but none quiet like this.
It first started by me picking up a (at the time) couple from an apartment near O'Briens. After waiting for a few minutes, combined with a long day of ubering I had to use the bathroom. I had been thinking about stopping for about an hour, but given how much of a shit show Newport was at the time I didn't really know what to do. I didn't want to piss outside and risk a ticket.
Luckily when I parked I saw some porter potties in the Bank of America parking lot right by the apartment. So after an internal discussion, I made an executive decision to make a break for it and go pee before I pissed my pants. I took the keys out of my car, turned on my flashers and ran to the potter john.
After I finished peeing I ran back to my jeep and saw the people getting into my car. Talk about horrible timing. I thought this was very strange since I was not in my car. Like you're just going to go into a strange car with no driver? Did these people not have parents growing up? I tried to make light of the situation but they were not having it as the fighting between these two must've already started inside.
I do my speech, they say the radio is fine and I'm on my way to their destination in Middletown.
The first thing this girl says is "I'm not going to take a backseat to your sister" so right away I knew I was in for some juicy shit between these two. You never hear "I'm not going to take a backseat to your sister" and have a regular conversation take place afterwards. Shit was about to go down.
I was already buckled in my car, but had I not been, I would've strapped in metaphorically for the ride these two were going to take me on.
They were whisper fighting and also spent a lot time not talking so it was hard to get all the details but I did make out these exchanges during our time together:
Her: "Oh I'm not funny? Less than 24 hours ago you were laughing up a storm at everything I said."
Him: Blank stare out the window
Her: "You need to stop drinking so much" (you can't say that on Parade Day even if it's true IMO)
Him: Blank stare at me
Him: "Can you just stop?"
Her: "No I'm not going to stop, we both know where this is going"
Her: "This just isn't working, I think we both know that"
Him: "Babe how can you say that?"
I don't know exactly why they're breaking up but from the looks of it this guy was lucky. That lady was the worst and anybody would says "I'm not gonna take a back seat to your sister" can come back next Tuesday if you catch my drift. What a messed up thing to say.
I honestly am pissed at these people. Not for putting me in the incredibly uncomfortable situation of driving them around during the midsts of a break up, but for doing it in the rudest way possible.
If you're gonna have this fight in an uber you need to go all in. No pussyfooting around trying to stay discreet when you said "I'm not going to take a backseat to your sister" pretty loudly within the first two minutes of the ride. You need to think about the driver in this situation. Maybe they have a blog they're trying to get off the ground and want you use you for content, but instead you gave me like 2.5 lines and some awkward silence. That ain't cutting it. That isn't gonna get me out of my dad's basement and into Brooklyn writing for Barstool. If you're gonna break up with your boyfriend in MY car at least let me get something out of it!
How fucking dare you be so selfish? You basically gave me the blogging version of just the tip. You can't give me a little bit and then take it away. I'd rather have nothing from the jump. To get in this fight and then not let me at least know how it ends and give my readers a little more insight is criminal.
Luckily as an Uber driver I do have the address they ended up at, soooooooo if anybody wants to knock on some doors and get some answers I'm game.
That pretty much wraps up this volume of the Uber Chronicles. I feel bad they kind of suck but I spent time writing it, I'd rather post it then just eat another blog. Thanks for reading guys.
FOR THE FIRST TIME SINCE THIS
The University of Rhode Island Rams are going to be in the NCAA tournament.
Going into the Atlantic-10 tournament the URI Rams had work to do to secure a bid in the NCAA tournament. At 21-9 going into the weekend they were still firmly on the bubble, they were teetering between "first four out" and "last four in" but an early loss in Pittsburgh would likely end their chances at an NCAA berth. At the very least they needed a deep conference tournament run to keep their big dance hopes alive.
Everybody had their own takes on what the Rams had to do to secure an at large bid. There were many who thought their only chance was to win the A-10. I personally believed if they beat Dayton in the semis and lost in the A-10 final they'd probably get in. I know it's been a down year in the A-10 but they usually get at least 3 bids and I think URI would've done enough at that point to deserve an at large bid to the big dance. Then when Dayton went down I was kind of upset at them because I had it so drilled in my head that we would have to beat them to secure an at large spot. Then it hit me... they could just go out and win the whole thing and put any doubt to rest. Get that auto-bid.
If you saw how URI looked just around a month ago and compared it to now it's like two completely different teams. They were playing some of the worst offensive basketball I've ever seen. It looked like they just met each other out there. I'd seen better basketball played at URI at the intramural level. (I'd know because I won an intramural championship, NBD)
Losing by double digits to Fordham at home was probably the lowest point of the year. It really seemed like their NCAA hopes were toast. We were gonna have to wait yet another year. They were 16-9. 8-5 in conference play. They basically had to win out to make the tournament, which after how they had been playing seemed impossible. It was hard to believe this was the team many basketball writers picked to dominate the A-10.
After such a promising start that included a ton of preseason hype, and a spot as high as #21 in the AP poll, the Rams quickly stumbled back to earth. After beating a ranked Cincinnati team at Mohegan Sun the Rams struggled, losing 4 of 6 to drop to 6-4 and it seemed like another season of disappointment in Kingston.
As URI fans we've seen it time and time before. Promising starts to the season, only to falter down the stretch in A-10 play.
In 2007-08 the Rams started 14-1 and were ranked. It looked like they'd make it , Late in the year they had a 5 game conference losing streak and went on to finish the regular season 21-10 before losing their A-10 opener and NIT opener to finish 21-12.
In 08-09 they ended their season with two losses, one on senior day to Umass and in the A-10 opener to Dusquene to go from 22-8 to 22-10 and end their chances at an at large big.
Then in 2009-10 it was more of the same. URI was at one point 19-3 but ended the regular season at 21-8 to dash their tourney dreams.
This time URI didn't even wait until conference play. They went from one of the hottest pre-season picks to have a huge year to off the national radar in the blink of an eye. After looking so good against Cincinnati (and even Duke at times), due to injury and overall just shitty basketball the Rams struggled at times to stay consistent. They had two heartbreaking typical URI losses (horrible free throws down the stretch) to Dayton, and had two reeeaaally ugly conference losses to bad teams in La Salle and Fordham. But as the A-10 season came to a close URI finally got healthy again and ended the season with a 5 game winning streak to earn a double-bye in the A-10 tournament.
In the Atlantic-10 Tournament URI finally again looked like the team we saw glimpses of early in the season. Their offense which at time's looked like a team playing together for the first time finally started gelling again. In the A-10 tournament the 3 ball came alive for Rhody. They shot 50% from deep against Davidson and VCU and now are playing in the NCAA tournament for the first time since 1999.
I'm just so happy they proved me and a lot of my friends wrong. I did not think this team could do it, they had shown me for years that was the case. I've been very lucky to have experienced a ton of success from my pro teams, but never URI. They were the one team that kept me grounded by year after year, doing just enough to have you buy in, then just break your heart as the season came to a close.
URI had not made the NCAA tournament since 1999. That's pre YK2, pre 9/11, pre basically everything anybody around my age had even experienced in life. I was 7 but I might as well not have been alive. I have 0 recollection of URI basketball or really anything sport related of life at that point. I was too busy with my pokemon cards and N64.
We've had seasons where they were a win or two away from making it. We've seen this team come very close to ending the streak over the years. Mainly the 2007-2010 Jim Baron run where seemingly URI was a quality win away from cracking the tourney every year. Now we just have to wait until Friday afternoon where the Rams will take on the Creighton Blue Jays of the Big East in Rhody's first NCAA tournament game since 1999.
In an awesome moment of Rhody Pride fans greeted the Rams at TFgreen to a warm welcome after ending a nearly 20 year tournament drought.
Now the big question is can Rhody make some noise in the big dance? I'll address that later this week, for now I'm just very excited that URI has made the tourney. It's the first time I'll ever get to fill out a bracket with URI in it!
Now you KNOW it's official.
Had to come out of retirement to show Rhody some love. Still hoping my URIprobs days can help me get in at BSS.
Song: Let's Dance
Artist: David Bowie
URI IS IN THE NCAA TOURNAMENT!!! LET'S DANCE!