What can I say about these uniforms that hasn't been said about Afghanistan? They look bombed out and depleted. Turns out I was wrong about when Patriots Day is...... but I mean what the fuck are these Wal-Mart looking, Madden 13 create a team jerseys? That red lining around the blue numbers; PUKE. I've got bigger fish to fry right now, but I wish I had more hands so I could give these jerseys four thumbs down. These uniforms scream "we're going back to being an irrelevant organization". Let's hope they get scrapped when Pat Patriot returns in 2021.
It’s technically 4/20 as I type this and the Stonedman video still isn’t finished, but that’s okay. I'm not gonna beat myself up. We all know I work best under pressure + it’s perfectly on brand for a 4/20 song to not come out on time. #lazystereotypejoke #thatworkstwoways I’m not gonna waste anymore of either of our time. It’s 2:02 am as I type this and every second I waste here bites into my sleep time since I have my alarm set for 8:30 to record this video so it’s out for my self-imposed noon deadline (subject to change) Here's how we got to this point: At about 1:58 am I was getting ready to go bed. Just watching Workaholics on Hulu and decided okay I'm calling it.... It’s time to put on a documentary I've already seen about the American Football League on Youtube and call it a night. I don't like to fall asleep to shows. Not getting into it rn. But those mother fuckers at Hulu are always trying to pepper in an extra ad and it pissed me off. They’re even throwing toilet paper ads on the pause menu now. Unreal. Can I pause to look at my phone for two seconds without being sold to? If it was 2 pm I’d add a photo, but you’ll just have to take my word for it. Anyways....that ad. So I pressed the home screen button on my Roku remote that'll surely misplace in my covers again tonight. Before my slow ass refurbished Best Buy TV left Hulu I caught just enough of a Geico ad to get riled up enough to write a blog at now 2:26 (I switched to my laptop because my iPhone can't add a fucking youtube link). I had to find this ad and watch in entirety for myself. This was sooooo good and impressed ya boi. It made me v happy to see these one hit wonders (that I learned peaked at #12 in 1984 because of VH1) are getting some of that GEICO money. It's too bad one of the original guitarist died of AIDS related complications and to prove that my weird brain remembers that without the help of the internet I'm not going to include the year to prove my point. P.S.
With sports on the sidelines during COVID, there's a serious demand for some sort of athletic competition. People need that escape to take their mind off reality for a few hours. I don't know if we're gonna see bio-domes or single-season realignment, but there are no bad ideas right now. As they say "if you throw enough cruise ships against the wall, one's bound to stick". There has even been discussions of bringing the voices of sports into other avenues of life to broadcast the action!!
Looks like Buck is a #pornguy, but not a big enough #pornguy to accept the offer.
Most basic internet bitches would shit on Joe Buck for turning it down because it's the easy thing to do. Not Dozo, I can't. I love Buck and don't blame the guy whatsoever for turning down this offer. Dude makes six times that a year from Fox. Maybe if they offered him Romo money then we'd have something? You're crazy if you actually thought Buck would quit calling the World Series and Fox Football for a million bucks.
Buck has only recently started to show his human personality the last few years thanks to Pardon My Take. Let's not forget in January of 2005 this man acted like Randy Moss fake mooning Lambeau was a lynching.
A lot can change in 15 years(....WHAT THE FUCK?) and Joe Buck is like a fringe cool guy in small doses. Lol Jk! I love him as a broadcaster because he has a big game voice and good memories I have associated with it. His new podcast with Oliver Hudson has caught my ear! But this isn't a Joe Buck fluff piece. The big point is this! The idea of sports broadcasters calling play-by-play and color commentary for sex is hilarious. The thought of Cris Collinsworth saying "Here's a guy that's blessed with a God given nine incher, but still puts in extra foreplay effort of a man with half his Johnson. That's why he's still putting up those time of numbers this late his career." is hysterical. Did you know that very sentiment is nearly 50 years old?!
Yes that's right. We have yet another example why history matters ladies and gentlemen! I'm sure there's plenty of fools out there who never thought about the possibility of Jim Nantz saying "Hello, Friends" over a shot of a perfectly manicured landing strip. It took those uncreative bastards until a pandemic to ponder the thought! Well in the 1971 film "Bananas" the one and only Howard Cosell gave people the answer to the age old question "What would it sound like if sportscasters called sex?" Howard told it like it is as the marriage was consummated.
Howie really knocked this role out out of the park. Now maybe we could see something like this in tv or cinema again someday, but it does make me wonder: what announcers would take the money? I mean it would likely end their sports career since we're not that advanced as a society yet. Bbut when one hole closes, another one opens. Buck is huge name, but he has a great gig. Perhaps a Gus Johnson or Kevin Harlan; someone with a great voice, but not end-all-be-all-job with an amazing voice could decide they'll take more money calling P going into V instead of the PGA? Who knows? I feel like there's gotta be someone willing to make the jump. Look at Maitland Ward.
She went from Rachel on Boy Meets World...TWENTY YEARS AGO; with no credits since 2007 to one of the hottest names in porn. All because she crossed over with 3 ounces of recognizability.
Money talks. With no sports going on I'm sure the low level guys are getting worried about paying their bills. The romantic in me believes there's gotta be at least one that porno-people can poach. I feel like there's gotta be some random Pac-10 baseball announcer desperate enough to say fuck it.
What announcers would you like to hear calling porno? Who would be the best? The worst? The funniest? Comment below!
It's probably recency bias, but I swear this off-season has to set some sort of record for new uniforms. Off the top of my head seven teams (21.9% of the league) the Falcons, Buccaneers, Colts, Browns, Rams, Chargers and of course my beloved New England Patriots will all have "new" threads in 2020. I sarcastically put new in quotation marks because some are clearly not new; simply the team's old uniforms just modernized for Nike.
Most teams have already released their new unis. I'm well aware of this, my plan was to wait until all are released to then introduce this new idea I have. See I'll rank them based on which ones I think look the best. Since I am a Patriots fan, and this is Patriots news. I figured the actual release date was blog worthy since we now know the new Pats unis are coming on Patriots Day (4/19)
I think it makes sense to switch it up now. The current version of the Patriots uniforms have been the team's getup since 2000! After losing the face of the franchise in free agency I think it's time for a change; much like how the Cavs introduced new uniforms when Lebron left the first time.
Before this clip was released I heard rumors online (read tweets) that there won't be much change to the Pats unis. Since the IG clip says "something old, something new, something borrowed, something blue" I think it's save to assume their will be no return to the three-point stance Patriot Pat logo until at least 2021 (it's rumored the NFL will change it's stupid ass helmet shell rule back that year)
Makes me think the Pats may be finally bringing it back to the mid to late 90s?????
One can only hope. Whatever, Sunday will be here before you know it as we inch closer to our inevitable deaths. P.S. these are fire flames @patriots
There's no hiding my affection for all things Florence Welch. I've got the love for her + the machine. I can see no way, I can see no way to live without their music. Whenever life goes back to normal my first ink will be FATM related. DOL diehards know the night I saw Florence + the Machine on ringwald was one of the most cathartic experiences of my life. Her music means the world to me. Florence is the closest thing to an Angel walking this planet and I'll blindly defend her to the death. I dropped the first IMOperfect set for Flo not that long ago on this very publication in her honor.
It goes without saying, but I'll say it anyway; It made me soooooooooooooooo proud to be a fan of her's (+ the machine) when Flo announced yesterday (April 16th, 2020) that at midnight FATM would be releasing a track that didn't make High as Hope for the Intensive Care Society. Sure, I didn't know what the Intensive Care Society was at first, but based on my grasp of the English language I could assume it's for good. After further research it most certainly is. What a great cause for the Queen of Peace to get behind. As more and more of the world's ugly realities are exposed to ya boi on a daily basis; knowing that at least for a moment, one of my favorite people in popular culture is actually the good person they portray is refreshing.
I find the inner workings of the music industry so fascinating. What goes into the decision making for what does or doesn't make the final cut of the record? Despite all the great things I just said about Florence I'll be to first to admit I didn't love High as Hope; a little too slow and stripped for my liking. But it really is funny how things work out; Light of Love didn't make the cut back in 2018, but now it makes more sense than ever giving the lyrical content and our current life predicament.
"Don't go blindly into the dark, in every one of us shines the light of love"
This almost makes me forget my unemployment still hasn't come in this week!
Everybody will get knocked down at some point in life; likely thousands of times. You know it, I know it, Chumbawamba knows it. Success in life is about getting back up again. The measure of a true football guy is does he get back up? Are you going to fight back or let it snowball intoa 1-7 senior year? How does one answer a 63 point defeat in front of a live internet TV audience?
Watch here and find out! #HireDozo Last week I got an email from smile direct club about a new promotion they were running. These folks have been up my ass for like two years. After dangling a carrot shaped like a $25 Amazon gift card I finally gave in and registered. My goal is to make the best of Rona life and that includes coming out more attractive than I went in. After letting the box collect dust on my dresser for five days on Monday April 13th, 2020 I finally knelt down and made my impressions. You can watch my journey to a gap free smile here! So long piano keys!!!
With social distancing, isolation, and no new sports there's not a ton to look forward to nowadays. Not to say there's nothing; my hands still work and my free one month trial of History Vault has at least 20 days remaining.
One thing I've had to look forward to during lock-down life is this madden league I joined (follow my twitch @oledozo) a couple weeks ago. We had our first games last weekend. After a 37-21 week one win over Pittsburgh I was riding higher than Wiz. I went 18/20 passing (and one incompletion was a throw away) for 287 yards and 3 TD with Josh Allen; good for a perfect 158.3 QB rating. AND I had a 100 yard pick-6 with Eric Berry! Despite giving up 428 yards to Aaron Rodgers (while forcing three INT) I felt great going into my next game. I hyped up second game vs the Dolphins for days. I legit practiced for hours while finishing Season 6 of Grace and Frankie. As a football guy I'm taking this league quite seriously. I need the ego boost of knowing I'm better at building a team and pushing buttons than 30 random strangers and one friend. I'm not going to make any excuses. My second game was a bigger disappointment than a night at short rib with a perfectionist former waiter. If you want to see what went down you can watch the game in its entirety here.
After a humiliating defeat it's easy to get rattled. The key is not letting it snowball (like I did this game after the INT). It's important to learn from your mistakes; something I just started doing about 3 months ago. Obviously it was embarrassing getting my ass kicked so viciously in front of a crowd of 18 people on the internet, but these are the moments that you remember most at the end the of the season. These are performances that motivate people to be great. This can either be my "we're on to Cincinnati" moment or the beginning of 2001 Carolina Panthers all over again. It's up to one man and his name is Ole fucking Dozo; one of the top 12,000 Madden players on the planet. I can't let one bad game in front of a live internet audience derail this train. I'm 1-1. Simple as that. We all know the Patriots never play well in Miami. Clearly I'm going to need to figure out pass defense in this league going forward, but I will go to grave believing if that BS Josh Gordon drop-INT doesn't happen I lose this game within 42 points.
Luckily, I will see Miami again week 17 and I'll be ready. Hopefully it's not just a playing for pride situation for ya boi. Next game is against the Jets sometime tomorrow or late tonight. As soon as I know, you know I'll tell ya when.
P.S.
I still can't believe I threw 6 interceptions after putting up a perfect passer rating.
That title is a lot and I've done a piss poor job explaining what's going on so far here on DOL (I've been tweeting about it nonstop). Please allow me to fill you in on this new project that I'm thrilled to be a part of.
It all started two weeks ago when KFC and Feits (of Barstool Sports) debuted their game show; Social Distancing: the Game Show.
I've only watched that first episode, so if it's changed hand up, but basically two people compete in various challenges. It's very Let's Make a Deal style via skype/zoom/google hang out whatever term you wanna use.
The winner of that first (and I'm assuming every) episode get 15 seconds to plug his/her brand. After winning episode one, Hunter of Hot Garbage Sports plugged his PS4 Madden League project.
As someone ranked in the top 10,000 Madden players on earth (until a recent cold stretch) trying to make a name for themselves in the content game this was legit right up my alley.
So I reached out to Hunter that night via IG. #networking. After the screening process aka a 5 minute facebook-time, ya boi was selected. I am representing the New England Patriots in the Hot Garbage Madden League.
All the rules and information is on his website hotgarbagesports.com. Essentially we're playing a season of Madden with 32 people from across the country representing the 32 teams in the NFL. Covering the league like real sports; showcasing the personalities of the league. So far the term hot garbage has been appropriate.
The fantasy draft to build our teams was Friday night. I live tweeted my picks in real time while still meticulously scouting and building a team.
At the time I was heated because I had to wait until the last pick of the 1st round. I knew Russell Wilson would be long gone (2nd overall pick). Despite the long wait between my picks, being able to pick players back-to-back helped me build my team (on paper). I tried to stay balanced going offense/defense most swings.
Then after three plus hours and over 17 rounds of the draft there was some sort of glitch caused the rest of our rosters to be auto-drafted.
Originally the plan was we'd draft the first 30 rounds then auto-draft the rest of our teams once we had our starters and key reserves. Oh well. It fucked up for everybody; just some more than others. I was like 4 spots away from my swing picks or at least that's how I remember it and have told everybody since. My team didn't have a kicker or fullback. Some teams had 3/5's of an offensive line. I really just wanted to get my guy at TE and another linebacker, but that's the way the snake draft crumbles sometimes.
I've been trying to figure out twitch. If you're over 23 and don't get it either, apparently millions of weirdos actually like watching people play video games. It legit blows my mind. I've always been a sports game guy. I never got into first person shooters and all the type of jazz so it's never been my things, but the idea of watching someone else play a video game seemed like the lamest fucking thing of all time. Then sports just stopped one day for no reason whatsoever and people were forced to improvise. Now I'm on twitch non-stop learning something every few days watching strangers play Madden. Unfortunately I was unable to save the stream from my first game; a 37-21 victory over the Pittsburgh Steelers. I did live stream on IG and saved most of that, but the quality kind of stinks. I'll still be making a highlight video to post this week. I've gone on far too long with back story and the Grace and Frankie season 6 finale is calling my name. More information about the league to come, but get excited people. I'm going to flex my madden muscles while becoming a star in front of 19 viewers! I guess before I go it's a great time to tell you you can watch me go for 2-0 against the Miami Dolphins TUESDAY APRIL 14th AT 6:30 EST ON TWITCH. FOLLOW MY TWITCH @OLEDOZO to watch me go for the Super Bowl, $500 and most importantly showcase myself so when life goes back to normal Barstool is like okay fine we'll give you a chance. #HireDozo |
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