Song: Wicked Garden (1992) Artist: Stone Temple Pilots Album: Core Ya boi's been on a big STP binge lately.
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April 20th, 2022
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE FROM THE BED OF #DOZVSTHEDOZEN STUDIOS
Good afternoon appreciated DOL reader,
I regret to inform you that there will be no #DozVsTheDozen tonight for the LIVE IN PERSON Windy City Clash Semi-Final doubleheader. I'm just as disappointed as you are, but as a company man for a company that does not yet hold my employ, it's still gonna be a fantastic night of trivia. The show starts at 7 pm. It's a home tourney for Chicago, but I think the Frankettes and Yak move on tonight.
As someone who's 4-2-0 in the past six matches, I'm genuinely bummed I cannot compete. It's not because of 4/20, spoiler alert, I've played baked ziti before, or even because of the Boston Celtics playoff basketball game. Rather because of a family commitment. Don't worry; I'll be ready for the championship match tomorrow. Typically, I've had to earn a spot in the finals by winning at least one semi-finals match, but when you factor in the 4-2 in the past six matches situation with the fact that I'm undefeated (1-0-1) in tournament finals in 2022 AND me a being a hashtag good guy going to a family dinner at grandma's instead of enjoying 4/20 & the C's in the comfort of #DozVsTheDozen studios, I think we can allow this one-time bye. Wooof. What a sentence-paragraph!
Despite no #DVTD tonight, I'm not leaving you high and dry like one of the three Radiohead songs I know. Last Thursday's doubleheader is now available on Youtube for your viewing pleasure. Once you're in a cozy space, put your feet up, light a fattie or your favorite method of consumption and enjoy a combined 28-point night (wow, that's very good!) from your favorite niche blogger. love, Dozie Song: Stoned Man (2020) Artist: Ole Dozo Album: #HireDozo I can't believe this bad boy is two years old. I miss being slim-thicccccccc. I gotta break out of this funk and create more!
For the first time since 1995-96, a guard has won NBA Defensive Player of the Year, and that guard's name is Marcus Smart!!!
Coming off the heels of an emotional and hard-fought win in Game 1 of what could be an Eastern Conference Finals, given the rosters, the Boston Celtics get another boost as the heart and soul of the team, Marcus Smart just won Defensive Player of the Year.
Marcus is the first Celtic to win the award since 2007-08, when PF Kevin Garnett took home the hardware. We all know how that season ended...
This felt like another Championship blu-ray moment to me. It was incredible seeing Celtics Legend Gary Payton (the last guard to win DPOY) give Marcus the award and how the team reacted. These are not your October-December 2021 Boston Celtics; there's chemistry! But I'd be lying if I said the water on the hardwood didn't worry me. We don't need any more torn meniscusi!
You know the Garden crowd is gonna go crazy giving Marcus the love he deserves after taking home some hardware. But if you ask NBA analyst/poopy-pants haver Nate Duncan it was NOT well deserved.
The Celtics still have 15 more games to win, but as my future co-worker, Big Cat says, you gotta enjoy the ride, and over the last 26ish hours, the Celtics have certainly done that. Man, I can't wait for Game 2 (and not just because it falls on 4/20).
P.S. This team is full of LOVE!!!
Double P.S.
I'd have to fire myself if I didn't mention my Marcus Smart story.
I've openly said that I didn't want the Celtics to draw the Nets in the First Round of the 2022 NBA Playoffs for weeks, well before this tweet!
Call me a pussy, but I want the easiest road to the Finals as possible. Some may say that's a loser mentality; I'm just thinking about what's best for the Boston Celtics (especially with Time on the mend). A hard-fought, long series against the Nets could take a lot out of them for the 2nd round vs. a Bucks team that will likely beat the Bulls in four or five games. I know that's all way down the road, especially with the NBA dragging out playoff series over two weeks; I just want to give you a look under the hood of my rationale. Sure, beating great teams or ones you high key hate is sweet. The 2014 Patriots path to their Super Bowl was awesome, but they'd still hang a banner if they beat someone who isn't the Ravens in the Divisional Round.
Yesterday's series opener for Celtics-Nets was incredible. Instant classic. Given the result, I'm pissed at myself for saying nah to one of my friends about going, but I cannot stop watching the game's final sequence. Give me all the angles from high-quality television cameras and shaky iPhone 11s alike.
It's only one game and I don't wanna overreact. In my brain the way the Celtics won could set the stage for a championship run. Tatum's game winner (in a 41 point afternoon) felt like a championship blu-ray moment, but like they could also lose this fucking series which would SUUUCK.
Given how the boxscore went, Game 1 was a must-win for the C's. You can't lose a game where you hold KD to 9/24 shooting. Again, it's super unfair that the Celtics turned their season around in historic fashion and got the Brooklyn Nets in round one as their reward, but it is was it is. 1-0 C's. Apart from KD looking like a wacky waving inflatable arm flailing tube man on the final possession that allowed Tatum to get a great look, the biggest takeaway from game one has to be former Boston Celtic Kyrie Irving. He finished with 39 points, 5 boards, 6 assists, 4 steals, and a block, but his interactions with the Garden crowd are all anybody is talking about.
I dfw Kyrie. I never will. Celtics fans have every right to hate this guy after how his tenure here went, but when you basically say you're coming back on a fan night, only to end up with a division rival...yeah fans aren't gonna like you.
I have zero problem whatsoever with Kyrie hating Boston right back. I know society is progressing (or at least trying to while the right weighs shit down), but there's nothing wrong with some good ole fashion hate. It makes for great entertainment. This isn't the AAU love-fest that's become so commonplace in the NBA. That game was INTENSE! Yeah, I think he's a fucking moron but I don't like wish ill upon Kyrie off the court. Sure, I'm rooting for 1980s style fouls on him when he's shooting the lights out, but that's just my inner football guy. The timing of these tweets were unreal. He hit his 4th three literally as I hit send.
I don't care that he flicked the fans off. I'm not offended by a fucking finger, I just wish he was a man about this whole ordeal. His antics yesterday felt fake and forced. Unlike the hug kid that stole the show, he was hesitating.
Like this is the half-hearted, bitch ass behavior I'm talking about.
The Tin Man moves more smoothly than that. If you're gonna do the mocking you, up in arms motion, put some heart into it. If you're gonna do the "cry-baby" face, fucking sell it. You're in the NBA; obviously, you know how to act (on second thought..maybe not). Put some heart into it one time. People will see it either way, so you might as well go all in. This shit was half-assed at best. That's what bothers me most about Kyrie. Sure the melodramatic sage burning and pseudo-intellectual bits are annoying, but this would drive me crazy as a Nets fan---he's never fully invested. Growing up, my mom always told me "if you're gonna do something, do it right" and Kyrie clearly did not do either demonstrative hand signal right. He's trying to be the bad guy when I don't know if that's who he is naturally. Exaggerate those waaaahhhhh hands instead of doing it in the blink of an eye.
As for the behind the head middle fingers, again, it was a bitch made half-assed move. At least I can understand his thought process here, trying to keep it off-camera, but it screams like 7th grade to me—this man is 30. So Kyrie, if you want to be the Billy Eyelash bad guy, you need to step up your game. New York is full of improv classes. I'd suggest signing up for one to master your craft instead of this half-assed, can't decide if I'm gonna mock you or not, malarkey. P.S. Major news broke while I wrote this blog. More to come, but LFGGGG!!!!
Song: Fuck it (I Don't Want You Back) (2003) Artist: Eamon Album: Who Fucking Cares? (not the actual album title; he's just not worth the wikipedia research) Even as a 12-year-old who idolized rebellion and swearing, I knew this song fucking stinks. It clearly only got recognition from the shock factor of the title because it is tuuurrrrible. You could go on soundcloud and find 500 songs by people with less than 20 followers that are better. I'm not gonna do the leg work on that one, but you're more than welcome to. Admittedly, this song is not my swag, but I already got a late start to blogging today and didn't want to waste any more time debating what to pick. Sometimes you gotta get some help from "this date in music history." Congrats on the four-week run at #1, though. Okay, I lied. I'm a wiki boi. I had to take a peak. Glad to see the ole US of A didn't stoop to the levels of the rest of the world. We've got some truly awful, historically bad, didn't hold up #1 songs, but Eamon, you ain't on that list! P.S.
Obvi it's fresh in my head from subjecting myself to one (1) full listen, but this is one of the most poorly written lines in music history: "Ya questioned, did I care You could ask anyone, I even said Ya were my great one"
The OFFICIAL #DOZVSTHEDOZEN RULES
This post will likely be my only blog until showtime because I've got some homework this afternoon (and therapy at 4).
There was a bit of mix-up last night. The graphic that The Dozen released earlier this week showed matches T-W-TH, but like last week we've got ourselves a doubleheader.
First up is Match 193 (9) OOO vs. (17) Foreplay (#DozVsTheDozen 54 preview blog), followed by an elite match-up of top 6 teams in Match 194 (3) Minihane vs. (6) Yak. That's a complete toss up. I'm calling it a pick 'em, O/U: 22.5
ICYMI, we're coming off two straight wins, with victories in three of the last four matches (3-2-1 in my previous six matches). Tonight we go for a Lou Brown winning streak. It has happened before (December 2021; #DVTD 24-26).
Dozie Namath pulled off the guarantee last week, but there will be no repeat of that gimmick tonight. We're gonna go out there and try our best to win three, maybe four matches in a row. I need you in the audience supporting, throwing up hearts in the chat to make it happen. The only way that can happen is by watching LIVE broadcasts on my IG (@dozonlife). If you're on the family computer, it's www.instragram.com/dozonlife. The show starts at 7:05. Once the first match ends, I'll stop the stream and start a new one for the nightcap. I can't wait to see ya in the comment section. Let's get to double/seven digits tonight! #HireDozo
Song: Only A Lad (1981) Artist: Oingo Boingo Album: Only A Lad s/o Tony Hawk: Until the Wheels Fall Off for introducing me to this. It's like listening to Cobra Man's dad.
When I wrote my preview blog for #DVTD 54, The Dozen hadn't posted their preview tweet yet, so I used their whole week slate photo. It's happened before; I thought maybe I just published the preview before they did?
I was wrapping up a blog shitting on people that use a professional baby namer right against the clock (7 pm), and they still hadn't posted anything but assumed things were on as scheduled. After about 20 minutes sitting in #DozVsTheDozen Studios, tweeting and commenting on The Dozen's IG, I realized they probably fucked up and are having another doubleheader tomorrow. That news was just confirmed.
Sorry, there's no match tonight. Hopefully, everything is okay with all involved in Dozen production, but it was a tad strange to hear nothing all day. Oh well. See you tomorrow.
If you're itching for some trivia tn, check out the #DozVsTheDozen playlist on my Youtube page. Last night's match was a classic. #HireDozo If You Use a Professional Baby Namer You're an Ass Hole and Likely a Terrible Future Parent4/13/2022
More money than sense?
Expectant parents are paying upward of $1,500 to a "professional baby namer" who picks the perfect moniker for their child. Taylor A. Humphrey, 33, helped name more than 100 babies in 2020, raking in more than $150,000 from cashed-up couples. Some panicked parents are even turning over an eye-popping $10,000 so that Humphrey can help them settle on an impeccable name for their offspring. "If you look at the most popular baby names, it’s such a telltale sign of our cultural values and our aspirations," Humphrey told The New Yorker in a profile published Monday. The New York businesswoman — who does not have any children — bills herself as a "passionate writer and storyteller" who is “adept at branding, marketing and social media." The NYU grad previously worked as a matchmaker, fund-raiser and event planner. According to her LinkedIn profile, she is also a "reiki practitioner" and has “written two feature-length screenplays, and one TV pilot that explore religion, spirituality, science, futurism and the unconditional, enduring nature [of] love." However, Humphrey said she has always been obsessed with baby names and finally found her true calling when she established her "What’s In a Baby Name" business in 2015. Depending on how much expectant parents pay, Humphrey’s services “range from a phone call and a bespoke name list to a genealogical investigation” with the aim of unearthing old family names, as reported by The New Yorker. Recently, the innovative entrepreneur chose the baby name Parks for a couple who had their first kiss in a town called Parker. Meanwhile, Humphrey also advised an anxious mother who was considering changing her young daughter's name — Isla — because it kept being mispronounced. She was compensated for telling the mom to stick with the Scottish moniker. Humphrey also runs a popular TikTok account, where she often offers free advice. The businesswoman said she is frequently approached by parents who are having their third or fourth child and have apparently run out of names. In a recent video, Humphrey advised a mom who was expecting baby No. 3 and needed a name to flow with those of her two older sons, Emmet and Miller. Humphrey's top picks: Grady, Wilson, Waylon and Fletcher. While some may accuse couples of laziness by siphoning off their baby name decision, Humphrey insisted that the paying parents are simply anxious perfectionists. And if they don’t settle on her suggestions for a first name, she said they often end up as middle names. "Sometimes you see a name like Brave on my list and you think, 'I'm just not going to name my kid Brave,' " Humphrey told The New Yorker. "But it might be worth putting on a maybe list as a thought for a middle name."
As someone who's "taken a different path" in finding a career (#HireDozo), I've always heard shit like "the top jobs in X years don't exist right now" and a bunch of other snappy lines that I cannot recall, but this has to take the cake. I wish I had known about this option while picking my major. Who would've ever guessed professional baby namer is a real job in the year of our lord 2022?
I'm not mad at Taylor A. Humphrey for scamming her way through life with a resume full of fake jobs like match-maker, fund-raiser, and event planner. Do you, girl. Get yours. Con those rich dicks for all they've got. What I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around is the fact that people are paying upwards of $10,000 for a stranger to tell them a few names! It's ludicrous. I know money is all relative. There was once a time when I thought $100 was a lot of money. Now it's basically the cost of leaving my house for more than an hour, but 10K is a lot even for those who avoid paying taxes through shell companies. $10,000 can buy you a decent amount of various items. In my lifetime, I've blown more money gambling and getting fatter than I'd ever want to know, but how could someone justify spending five figs on a fucking name?? I use a nickname while blogging, but most of you know my government name is Ryan, which of course, means "little King." It's a solid second-tier popularity boy name. I've usually had another Ryan in most of my classes throughout college, but at least it's not something extra boring like Michael, Matthew, or John. Thank God. Like, did your parents even try? Was there ever a name conversation, or did they just pick the first thing they could think of while being vanilla wallpaper boring? When I was a kid, I wished my name was Blaine cause of the Pokemon character, but I have no qualms with Ryan--especially when most of my friends call me some variation of Doz.
What I'm getting at is my very divorced parents came up with that name together. Not only am I literally part of each of them, but my name is too. They cared enough about me to make that decision together or, at the very least, by agreeing with my mom.
Now I'm 30, and lots of my friends are starting to pop out their own kids. I'm all for it; I love kids and would like to have some of my own once I'm more stable and in better shape so I can be an active daddy, but I don't think any of them are shelling out actual American currency for name help. You could argue that the kid's parents must genuinely care if they're willing to spend $1,500-$10,000 on a NAME and that if they can toss that out, they're able to provide lots of other lavish expenses. But if I found out my parents spent that kind of money on my name, I'd be fucking heated. You were that uncreative that you had to outsource naming me? Are you fucking kidding me? You might as well of aborted my ass months ago if you can't spend a few nights together reading some baby books or playing some top names of X year Sporcle quizzes to get inspiration. Some issues you can't just throw money at. You gotta figure them out yourselves. Imagine a few years down the road when you want the latest toy for Christmas or to go on a trip for Spring Break, but Mom and Dad weren't too wise when it came to managing their money and are saying they can't afford it. You're basically betting on yourself that you'll never fuck up financially by spending this much on something nobody should spend a cent on. If I knew my parents dropped 10K on my fucking name, you better believe I'd be heated if they denied my requests. There are literally billions of better ways to spend 10K, including burning it. At least you're helping with inflation. This sets up future douchebag kids too. "Really, mom and dad, we can't afford to go see Avengers 28, but you dropped 10K for some former matchmaker to name me Braieyeden? I HATE YOU!" Ya know what? I'm not done with Taylor A. Humphrey after all. How can you be naming so many babies when you don't have kids of your own. Talk about having no skin in the game. Of course, you can just rattle off douchebag names like Harper, Braxton, and whatever the fuck these random sounds are.
When you've never had to deal with the consequences firsthand, you just took the money and ran. How about you raise little Cordelia and Odette for 18 years and see what they have to deal with on the playground before suggesting such ridiculous names?
If you're spending upwards of 10K for some random soft 7 to play around online looking for a hundred-year-old name for your 4th kid, you better have some foundation to fight climate change or world hunger; otherwise, you're a fucking ass hole and likely a terrible parent. |
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