Last night the Boston Red Sox beat the Houston Astros (who happen to be the best team in baseball, NBD) 6-5 on Sunday Night Baseball in a quick 4 hour ballgame. With the win the Red Sox took the series vs Houston and moved into a virtual first place tie with the New York Yankees. The Yanks have been sinking like a brick in the ocean, losers of 6 straight games. Capped off by an embarrassing 4 game sweep in Oakland to the last place A's. For context on how bad the A's are, they just won 4 straight against the Yankees and still have the worst record in the American League at 31-38. In case you didn't know, they swept the Yankees.
Xander Bogaerts lead the charge offensively for the Sox driving in their first 3 runs thanks to a pair of homers. In doing so Xander doubled his home run total this season from 2 to 4. While Xander has been having a nice year offensively, hitting .318 he has lacked power to this point in the year. Who knows maybe a performance like he has last night might be all he needed to turn it around. What's really incredible about his game is how it ties into a 5 year old Red Sox fan named Ari Schultz. Many (myself included) believe that he inspired Bogaerts.
In my time away from the blog world last week I missed being able to bring the story of 5 year old Ari Schultz. This little guy is absolute warrior. He became a media darling last week after a video of his reaction from finding out he gets to go home after 189 days in the hospital after heart surgery went viral. In the video he's wearing a #2 Xander Bogaerts Red Sox jersey.
It's hard to watch without getting choked up. Who started chopping onions? His reaction is priceless, and after all he's been through to still have the energy that he has is pretty remarkable. What a tough kid.
Also Ari hit an absolute rocket. Pound for pound he probably has better raw power than Xander if we're being honest. But seriously, I can't even begin to imagine all this little guy has gone through in his 5 years so far. Three open heart surgeries, including two before he was even born. One tough little kid. You have to be an absolute monster to not instantly fall for this kid. That voice is just too cute.
If you listen, when he's calling the shot he says "Xander Bogaerts with a two run home run". Ari is definitely better at calling a baseball game than Jessica Mendoza. When I first watched I couldn't help but have the cynic in me be like "yeah right, Ari, more like Bogaerts with the two out single that's going to get wasted". Shows what I know. Look at what Xander did in the top of 6th inning to retake the lead for the Sox.
A two run homer by the X man on a 0-2 pitch to take the lead. I'm not gonna say Ari called it since a few games have happened since the video took place, but the fact that it happened in the same week is really cool. Especially given Xander's power struggles this year. I'm just saying it is interesting that this is the week he breaks out and starts driving the ball.
What's even better is that over the weekend many people with Red Sox connections reached out to Ari about getting to a baseball field, the oldest and best field in the entire majors, Fenway Park.
It looks like Ari is going to get the star treatment at Fenway sometime in the near future and boy does he deserve it. Very excited to see what is to come with this story because this is definitely not going to be the last we hear from Ari.
Yes the news is true, like a Phoenix from the ashes, or Tracy Morgan after getting hit by a Wal-Mart truck-your boy Ole Dozo is back.
After over a week away (11 days since my last blog) on assignment (week long substitute teaching job) I'm happy to announce my return to DOL. I simply had no time to blog last week and it stunk on ice. Between subbing and the pizza life I worked 53 hours like a mill worker during the Industrial Revolution and it kicked my ass. I couldn't make the switch to teacher sleep hours, so I was getting like 4 hours of a sleep a night, and let me tell you, the human body, especially MY human body, is not made to put up with that.
Sooooooo much shit happened last week that I wasn't able to give my Luke warm takes on. Not ideal for someone trying to make it in the internet biz. The NBA Finals ended last week(feels like a month ago), and a bunch of shit that I've already forgotten happened too. That's just how quickly the internet moves. Avocados last longer than most blog worthy topics. But alas, I have returned. And if I learned one thing during my week long sub job it's that I definitely do not want to be a teacher for the rest of my life. Now that doesn't mean I'm going to stop pursuing it because my friends at BSS still haven't poached me yet and your boy needs a big boy job worse than the Congressional Baseball game needs better security. (Guess I didn't forget everything) But if the soft, entitled kids of Narragansett, RI were kicking my ass then I can't even begin to imagine how much it would suck working in an actual bad school. Which if we're being honest is where my first job would probably end up being. So if last week taught me anything, it's that I need to get back on my A game, start being funny again, and kick some fucking ass so that Barstool has no choice but to hire me because honestly I'm starting to believe it's the only job I could actually do.
I'm back, DOL isn't going anywhere, let's fucking roll. It's gonna be a big summer.
Song: Passionfruit (Drake cover)
If I've said it once, I've said it a million times, I LOVE cross genre covers. After all even on Paramore's instagram they call themselves "genre-neutral". V 2016 of them.
The Colin Kaepernick free agency situation has been one I've been monitoring more than usual this off season. Mainly because I think it's absolute bull shit that he's still unsigned when bum ass QB's like Josh McCown, Kellen Moore, EJ Manuel, Josh Johnson and Austin Davis all have been. That's just to name a few, the list of bum QBs who got paid this year actually goes on somehow. I wouldn't be shocked if you didn't recognize half those names. It's because they're bums. Bums who shouldn't be on NFL rosters. There's a list of all the QB's that have been signed over him this offseason and it's embarrassing. www.foxsports.com/nfl/gallery/2017-nfl-free-agent-qbs-colin-kaepernicks-jay-cutler-mark-sanchez-mike-glennon-brian-hoyer-geno-smith-032417 Let's not forget what the Bears gave Mike Glennon. (45 million dollars)
Josh McCown is loser who hates porn. That should be a red flag right away to NFL teams. Can't trust a man who doesn't jerk off. He's also 37 years old and cannot stay healthy, yet he keeps getting NFL jobs. McCown also a stellar 18-42 in his career as a starter, yet he's been in the league since 2003. Kellen Moore has been a back-up in the NFL since 2012 for some strange reason with 4 career touchdown passes to 6 int. He's straight up, not an NFL caliber player yet he keeps getting paid. Must have dirt on somebody. EJ Manuel is 6-11 as a starter in his career and just straight up fucking sucks. No other way to put it. Josh Johnson has bounced around for years, and has not played in an NFL game since 2013, yet the Giants just gave him a 2 year deal.
Yet here we have Colin Kaepernick who was 5 yards away from winning a Super Bowl in February 2013, and one forced throw at Richard Sherman away from going to a 2nd one the next season who cannot find a job. This guy is out of the league.
The biggest signing I have a problem with is that of Austin Davis by the Seattle Seahawks. Austin Davis is 3-7 career as a starter with 13 tds to 12 int but the Seattle Seahawks would rather have him a back up over Kaepernick. How does that make any sense? You'd rather have Austin Davis than Colin Kaepernick. Imagine saying that in 2014?
The Seahawks are the only team so far this off season who has shown anything that resembles legitimate interest in Kaepernick, but when asked why they didn't sign him Seahawks coach Pete Carroll said it's "because he's a starter in this league" and they already have a starter so they don't need him. That logic makes little to no sense to me from a football stand point. You want the best team possible, just ask Bill Belichick. That's way he outsmarted YOU in the Super Bowl, Petey.
I think the real reason in this situation is the drama between the Seahawks defense and QB Russell Wilson. I think he's scared that there were be a legit QB competition between Russell Wilson and Colin Kaepernick and it could tear apart that team even more. I don't think the Seahawks are staying away because of the kneeling situation, the Seahawks were one of the biggest supporters of the movement Kaepernick led last year.
However, I do believe the biggest reason Kaepernick has gone unsigned is because teams are blackballing him after his National Anthem Protests last year. I'm sure there's owner who just want nothing to do with him because they were personally offended, and there's some who just don't want to deal with the repercussions of signing him. People have tried to say it's because he's asking for 10 million a season, but Kap has already denied that claim.
Despite disagreeing with how he protested last season, I kind of understand what he was doing and respect it. I don't need to rehash everything that went down. Especially as a 25 year old middle class white guy in Rhode Island. I'm just a big America guy and hate when people disrespect the flag. I still don't like what went down last year, but I do think good came out of it. I'm cool with protesting in other spots, and other ways, just not disrespecting the flag. Shit sometimes I'll even take my hat off for the Anthem at home. It makes my blood boil when I'm at a game and see dudes with their hats on during the Anthem.
Today is June 8th 2017 and Colin Kaepernick still has yet to be signed by an NFL team.
Despite playing the 49ers who were horrible last season, Kaepernick actually played okay once he was given the starting job again. He did go 1-10 as a starter, which definitely sucks. You'd like to win more games, but they weren't that bad because of him. Let's not forget the team he had around him and the coaching carousel that has taken place since Jim Harbaugh left for Michigan. 49ers went from a class organization to one of the biggest jokes in the NFL in like 45 minutes.
Going into last year Kap was 27-20. He threw 16 touchdowns against only 4 INT last year. Against the Pats last year he showed glimpses of Old Kap. In the Dolphins game last year he brought the 49ers inside the Dolphins 10 yard line as time was expiring to get a chance to tie the game late. He can still play at this level.
The issue of Kaepernick has been a hot button one. New York Giants co-owner John Mara said this about Kaepernick. Taken from the MMQB.
“All my years being in the league, I never received more emotional mail from people than I did about that issue,” says Giants co-owner John Mara, who for 24 years has worked for the team his family founded. “If any of your players ever do that, we are never coming to another Giants game. It wasn’t one or two letters. It was a lot. It’s an emotional, emotional issue for a lot of people, moreso than any other issue I’ve run into.”
Yet the Giants tried everything they could to defend Josh Brown who beat the shit out of his wife. That's fine. They can deal with the backlash from that. They don't want to cost themselves money. I do believe the Giants that they did receive letters about Kaepernick, I'm sure a lot of teams did, but this one example says a lot. Teams are scared of how fans are going to react, and for a back up QB who has shown signs of decline, they simply don't want to deal with it.
Oddly enough this situation reminds me a lot of the Tim Tebow situation, a quarterback who was beloved for his kneeling, all be it for a completely different reason.
Now I'm sure there's people who read this will say Tim Tebow did not have what it takes to be an NFL quarterback. I simply disagree. While he was unconventional for sure, in his limited time as a starter his big play ability, and overall clutchness led a Broncos team that had 4-12 written all over it to the Divisional Round of the NFL playoffs, then he never started another NFL game. He was never given a chance to fail as a QB, yet countless bums like Charlie Whitehurst and Zach Mettenberger were on NFL rosters. That's what makes me so angry. I could live with Tebow starting the next season for another team and going like 3-13 with horrible stats as to why he's out of the league, but that never happened.
Personally I think that the Jets ruined him with how they used him, never giving him a legit chance to fight for the starting job. Then the Pats tried to do him a favor and sign him but with Tom Brady there was no need for a 3rd QB.
You may dislike Tebow or think he stinks, but he is better than a lot of current backup QBs in the NFL. I truly believe that. I'd sure like my chances better with Tebow behind center than Josh Johnson or Austin Davis. Sure he was bad in practice too but the dude just won NFL games. Yeah he's never going to have a 65% completion rate, but he showed you don't have to to win. So many bad QB's have been given chance after chance to fail, when Tebow did not. He never started another game at QB after 2011, and was out of the league for good the next year. Would you rather have a bum like Brian Hoyer who may have a high completion percentage, but it's all 4 yard check downs who can't seriously lead a franchise, or a guy like Tebow, who's a proven winner, that showed in his brief time as NFL starter that he can find a way to win and lead men?
I think the media presence he carries is more of a reason why he's out of the league than his throwing ability. In 2015 when he was with the Eagles in the preseason he played well, and showed he still has what it takes to make an NFL team, yet was one of the final cuts. I believe because Chip Kelly didn't want a 3rd string QB being a media distraction.
I think that's the similar fate Kaepernick is dealing with and Kaepernick is a much better player than Tebow. However, IMO he's still simply dealing with the repercussions of what he did last year. Whether you agree with it or not, he did nothing wrong in the eyes of the law and his what many called brave stance has seemingly cost him the opportunity to pay in the NFL. Yet teams will race to give bad character guys chance after chance. Joe Mixon beat the shit of a chick and his a 2nd round pick. In my heart of hearts I believe if Colin Kaepernick didn't kneel last year he's on a team. Straight up.
Even if he's not as good anymore, as he was in 2012-2014 we've seen that teams will keep giving guys chance after chance for success over much shorter periods of time than Kaepernick experienced in his time with the 49ers. Matt Flynn because of one great meaningless week 17 performance when the Packers were resting guys got a chance in the NFL for another 6 teams, and the Packers again before finally hanging up the cleats. The potential off of ONE GAME, gave him a chance for years. Tebow who is 9-7 as a starter with 17 touchdown to 9 INT with another 12 rushing tds had to try to play baseball because no NFL teams would touch him. Colin Kaepernick who won a conference championship and has a 12-4 season under his belt can't find work when Austin Davis can. Unreal.
All I know is that Colin Kaepernick is good enough to be in the NFL, Pete Carroll just said it last week that he's a starter in this league. He has hours of tape from his career to show it. Yet teams are scared to give him a chance because of what people may say, despite being a hell of a lot better QB than a laundry list of bums teams would rather pay because they're scared people will be get upset at them. It's a fucking shame. Colin Kaepernick, much like Mandy from America's Got Talent you too have the DOL seal of approval.
I know this happened the other night, but I didn't see this video until yesterday and couldn't, not blog it, even if it's not 100% fresh.
See I had the pleasure of running "in school suspension" again at my alma matter yesterday which meant no blogging.
It's honestly my favorite way to make money. About as easy as it gets. If watching the in house kids could be a full time job, it'd be perfect. I get paid to sit on a laptop all day watching youtube videos/netflix/hulu. Just gotta be kind of a strict ass hole to a couple troubled kids. So I get to be mean, watch tv and get paid. Yeah dude, sign me up. I'm always tempted to blog when I'm in there because it'd honestly be the perfect scenario to do it, but I'm kinda paranoid that the computer I borrow from the library has a key tracking technology. I can explain watching hours of Netflix and the occasional sporcle quiz all day bored in there. In fact, I think they kind of understand, but I don't need to explain DOL to them. Probably over thinking like crazy, but I'd just rather not risk it.
Anyways, after finishing up the latest season of New Girl (again) on Hulu I was surfing Youtube looking for something to watch. That's when I looked at trending videos and saw this. #1 trending video on all of Youtube. Figured I had some time to kill, so I checked it out. Who am I to not look at the #1 trending video in America?
Little did I know how much this would get to me. I had to try my hardest not to cry in front of a couple punky 15 year old boys who were rude to a former teacher of mine, but spoiler alert I did not succeed. Your boy teared up.
I'm kind of a cry guy the more that I think about it. I once made myself cry at an impromptu speech at brunch about how nice it was to get everybody together. I just wear my probably enlarged heart on my sleeve.
So little preface before watching if you're going in blind. This contestant Mandy Harvey was a singer who tragically lost her hearing when she was a freshmen in music school because of some sort of nerve disease. Thought she'd never be able to sing again, wicked sad stuff. But after a few years she realized she could still sing by being shoeless and feeling the vibrations in her feet. How that's possible blows my mind. I could never guess the word people would trace on your back in like middle school (remember that game?) but this girl can follow the tempo of a song via the vibrations on the floor. Insanity.
Just watch what happened for yourself.
Now I don't really ever watch these reality talent shows but apparently the golden buzzer is a pretty big deal. At least 30 seconds of research tells me so. I work nights and I'm single dude, so I'm not exactly the targeted demo for shows like this. I mean was into American Idol when I was like 12, but who wasn't? I watched the first few seasons, but after I think Bo Bice is when I stopped.
Is Simon Cowell nice now or is he just actually showing his human side instead of being a mean British robot? Never seen him so compassionate before. Granted I don't watch his show. Maybe getting older has turned him into a softy? But I can't really blame him with this one. When I was watching I just thought of this girl Mandy and everything she's gone through to get to that stage. Just to think about where she was from being a singer who was lost her hearing, to a decade later be on America's Got Talent and receive that reaction from everybody. Can't even imagine how big of a moment for her that must've been. Absolutely beautiful moment. Awesome to see her dad in the background too, you could tell how important this was for them.
Not to make this about me, but it just made me think about never giving up. This girl lost her fucking hearing as a musician and ended up here on America's Got Talent. Think about that, she's deaf and still making music. Good music at that, her voice is angelic. So I can't give up on my writing. Sometimes I get discouraged because people aren't reaching out to me about blogs like they used to. I've been getting writing block like crazy and been feeling the pressure a ton. Like what if finally a barstool guy checks out DOL and the one blog he reads is a shitty filler blog? Shit like that has been driving me loco. Sometimes I think, dude maybe you're just not good enough. But I know deep down that's not the case, even if the writing says otherwise sometimes. I'm a funny dude with decent takes, and an encyclopedic knowledge of trivial shit. I can do this. It's my calling. Same goes for all of us. If you want something, fucking go for it. That's what Mandy Harvey did after it seemed impossible and it's inspirational as fuck. If she can be a deaf singer, then wtf is stopping all of us from going for it? Now I probably won't watch a second of this show, but I mean how can you not root for this girl to win? Congratulations, Mandy Harvey you just got the official DOL seal of approval and are my official pick to win AGT. I'll be checking up on youtube days after airing. Best of luck to you!
I know Howie Mandell was probably being genuine here doing the deaf clap, but that dude just rubs me the wrong way. Kind of a hardo move by him in a way. I picture his inturnal dialogue to be somethng like this
"Look at me doing the deaf clap, I GET it. I'm Howie Mandell and I'm 61 years old and afraid to shake people's hand."
I just feel like Howie is the type of dude who does this just so people can be like "look at Howie Mandell deaf clapping" more so than just doing it to do it.
Song: Sign of the Times
Artist: Harry Styles
Album: Harry Styles
Absolutely hate myself for liking this song, but it's been in my head for over a week. I'll find myself just singing out of nowhere....who am I ? Maybe giving it the SOD treatment will help change that.
PC twitter is up in arms because of what former Phillies' 3rd basemen Hall of Famer Mike Schmidt said about the prospect of the Phillies building around outfielder Odubel Herrera. Herrera is from Venezuela and does not speak English.
“My honest answer to that would be no because of a couple of things. First of all, it’s a language barrier. Because of that, I think he can’t be a guy that would sort of sit in a circle with four, five American players and talk about the game. Or try and learn about the game or discuss the inner workings of the game. Or come over to a guy and say, ‘Man, you gotta run that ball out.’ Just can’t be—because of the language barrier—that kind of a player.”
Shockingly, twitter did not love what he had to say.
Snowflake twitter is acting like Mike Schmidt is Al Campanis over here.
Twitter today is a place where everybody just wants a pat on the back from their like-thinking peers instead of being real. In fears of the mob coming after you. Everybody is bashing the 67 year old for saying that team leaders need to speak English to be able to communicate with their teammates. For the record I'm not even a big Mike Schmidt guy. Obviously he's an all time great, but I never saw him play. I don't agree with everything he thinks. Like he was bashing Herrera for being a "flashy" player earlier, which is something I hate. I love when guys play with a little flare, it's way better for the game. I don't agree with the old man takes about playing the game "the right way".
While I agree, saying that you can't build around foreign players is an idiotic statement. Just look at World Series champs of recent years. The Red Sox have won three World Series thanks to David Ortiz and guys like Manny Ramirez, Pedro Martinez, and Koji Uehera. The Cardinals won two World Series thanks to the bat of Albert Pujols. The Royals rotation in 2015 featured Johnny Cueto, and Yordano Ventura. He didn't entirely say that you can't be foreign, he just thinks speaking English is important for a leadership role in the clubhouse.
To say you have to be English speaking is simply not entirely true. But you know what, it sure does help. David Ortiz has said that he learned English because his father said it was a good idea for the sake of his career. Now in Major League Baseball there is a large group of Spanish speaking players so of course speaking Spanish is an asset at times. It helps to speak Spanish so you can communicate with them. But guess what it also helps to speak English so you can communicate with the majority of the team. I don't care if you think I'm wrong in what I'm about to say: you should speak English if you are playing baseball professionally in the United States of America. I don't understand why thinking that somehow makes you a bigot. Are the Montreal Canadiens bigots because they prefer a French speaking coach?
If I moved to Germany, guess what, I'd probably have to learn German to get by. Same goes for pretty much any country that doesn't have English as it's major language. If I lived in Russia (lol I'll never step foot in that Godforsaken land, but just go with me) I'd probably need to learn Russian to get around. I don't understand why this concept is so tough to grasp.
Sure, guys have been able to speak in the clubhouse via translators for years, but it isn't the same as a face to face conversation. If you don't know the language of the translator your words could be changed without you knowing. That was basically the entire plot of an episode of the Netflix series "Love". It's just a whole lot easier if everybody is on the same page. Now I guess you're a bigot if you believe that. That kinda sucks. I think that's what Mike Schmidt was trying to say. It's a lot easier when the leader of a team can speak English so he can communicate with the majority of the team about everyday stuff. Maybe he is a racist, but I really don't think that quote shows that. Sure he could've been more eloquent in what he said, but I'd like to think people with brains could read between the lines a little. If I go into your house, I have to follow your rules. If you have a job in a foreign country, you should probably learn the language.
“Holy #%$&! Cash Cab is back!” Bailey said. “Huge thanks to all the fans who pushed for the show (and for me) to come back! Never before has a comedian been so happy to go back to driving a cab. OMG, I think I left the meter running!”
Bailey again will drive that cab that takes unwitting passengers on the ride of their life. Dodging New York City traffic, and possibly joined by a guest celebrity, they will take on classic Cash Cab trivia en route to their destination. If they get stumped, pedestrians and friends can help them out via phone, text or social media. If the riders get three questions wrong, though, they’re out on the street.
Bailey has guested on multiple TV series and has done a pair of Comedy Cetral stand-up specials and others for Netflix and Amazon.
Comedian David Steinberg helms the new Cash Cab, with All3Media’s Lion USA producing. Executive producers are Tony Tackaberry, Allison Corn, John Slaughter and Bailey, with Robyn Todd as co-executive producer.
Talk about your classic great news scenario! Who could be upset by the news that Cash Cab is back? I honestly don't think anybody alive dislikes Cash Cab. You either liked it, or didn't know it exists. Which I think I can say is what we all strive for. That's the perfect level of status. Loved and unknown, like an indie band.
When I saw the news yesterday that Cash Cab was returning with new episodes later this year I did one of these.
For those of you who don't know what that is, it's a fist pump. Sometimes people do them when they're excited. Even if they're alone. Like me when I found out this awesome news! (I'm almost always alone, but it's okay!) A very timely fist pump, that's defensemen P.K. Subban of the Nashville Predators. Little blog inside a blog here, the Preds won 4-1 last night to tie the Stanley Cup Finals at 2-2. They are winning the Cup in 6. You heard it here first. Smashville baby! That's the DOL difference.
Now as for Cash Cab it was always one of those shows that was never appointment tv, but I always enjoyed it. Like I have no idea when new episodes aired, no clue what day of the week it was on, I'm pretty sure the show was on Discovery Channel. But whenever I was surfing the channels and saw Cash Cab reruns on I'd always give it a few minutes. It's in that Man v. Food category of great weird shows on channels I never watch.
As a trivia guy and even more so as a game show guy (it was dream to be a game show host as boy and low key still is now) I loved that show. I'm a HUGE game show guy, and need to be on one before my inevitable untimely death. Cash Cab probably wouldn't be my first pick though, just because it's actually kind of hard, plus it's in a cab. I'm a fucking Uber driver bro, I ain't getting in no Cab. It's called loyalty, get some. Plus I don't need to have a quick 0-3 and get kicked out of the cab before the fasten you seatbelt sound starts going off. Would be a horrible look for me, especially as someone who considers themselves smarter than most people. Imagine all the shit I'd get for sucking on Cash Cab? Not worth the risk. Gotta be able to back it up, I'd rather just be the a little over confident ass hole who picks his spots to drop in useless knowledge. I don't need Ben Bailey asking me what the 18th largest state in the U.S. is.
If I had my pickings I think the obvious answer for what Game Show I'd wanna be on is Family Feud. Family Feud has stood the test of time. I've been watching it for basically my entire life. It's why I want to have a family. What's it had like what? 7 hosts. One even hanged himself, doesn't matter, show still goes on. That's what is great about the Feud. Family Feud is bigger than any single host. It's fucking Family Feud. It's an American staple. It's in the class of Price is Right, Wheel of Fortune and Jeopardy for timeless game shows.
Makes me start thinking, if I wanna go on the Fued, I better find a bride soon. I mean I'm a child of divorce, can't go on the Feud that way, means I'm gonna need to make my own family.
I'm already 25 and single AF.
As young as I feel, I'm definitely not that young. The good chicks are gonna start getting scooped up. I'm a substitute teacher/aspiring blogger with a weight problem. I'm getting crumbs at best. So I gotta get better.
At this rate, even if I fall in love tomorrow (which seems unlikely) we have to date for what? At least 18 months before I even think about proposing.
Say she somehow says yes.
Now we have to plan a wedding, need I not remind you I have to make sure this chick doesn't fall out of love with me at moment's notice, which given my track record seems likely.
Now after 25 months of dating and planning let's say things are still going well. We're married and madly in love.
Now I have to get her pregnant, but maybe we don't want to have kids right away. She's a strong career oriented woman and I'm just here to have someone to go to Red Sox games with and try to have sex with twice a week. I'm a simple man, doesn't take much to make me happy. She's crazy about her job, but I love that about her, her drive is part of why I fell in love with her. At the same time we want to have fun, travel, enjoy our late 20's/early 30's. We do that for a few years.
But before you know it, now I'm 36 and she's 33. The eggs are slowly scrambling, so we're trying. We're really trying, but oh no, looks like my boys can't swim! Now we have think about the adoption process, but I really don't feel comfortable about it. See I'm one of only three male namesakes left and I really want to keep the family name going on through my blood. I have a name to keep going, might not be much of a name, but it's mine God Damnit. She understands, so we keep trying.
After 22 months of trying, my beautiful wife is finally with child. We're so happy, there were countless nights where we thought this day would never come, but it did. Unlike my wife, who I can't please sexually, but she overlooks it because I love her so much, am a great partner, and am the funniest mother fucker she's ever met. She has our son and he's actually a great kid. Named Thomas after TB12. Judge me all you want, but I've always liked the name Tom and it just happens to be the name of the greatest QB of all time, so what. I'm an American I can name my son whatever the fuck I want.
Now my wife and I have only one son and are in our late-mid 30's. That means we're gonna need at least another kid to fill out the board. We could have one of our parents, but who knows, they could be long dead by now. Best bet is to have my wife and our kids, maybe one of their spouses. This means now I need to have another kid, raise those bastards, not die, keep my marriage going, make sure my kids end up with someone smart enough to be on Family Feud.
By now it's like 2046. So I'm definitely not getting Steve Harvey as my host, and yeah I know I said that Family Feud is bigger than any one host, but come on, it's Steve Harvey. Everybody loves him for some reason that I still don't understand. I always wanted to have him, I picture him clowning on my whacky shirt, that was intentionally picked just to get a reaction out of him. It would've been a wild shirt, man.
So my wife and I start applying. We send in cute family videos every fucking week.
It's goes on for 4 years, finally we get the call.
Babe, we made it, we finally made it! We're on the fucking Feud. It's 2051, I'm almost 60, but damnit it I'm here.
So we get to the studio, I tell my family, win or lose I'll still love them, which is partly true. I'll still love them, but if we win it's gonna be a lot better for the future of this family.
We're in a tight match-up against an all black family, because that's what they do on the feud, they try to make it about race, which sadly even in 2051 is an issue in our country. Things are definitely better, but I mean black v white will still always be a classic storyline. We're in a neck and neck, back and forth battle and it comes down to sudden death, God Bless that beautiful bride of mine, even after 30+ years of marriage she's still as beautiful as the day we met. She rings and gets the answer.
We did it, she got it. Finally, our journey to not only get on Family Feud, but win is nearly complete. I say, honey, you go first, you're on absolute fire right now, go get us at least 100 points. I love you.
She goes up and fucking crushes it, 134 points. All I need to do is not get buzzer answers and we're walking out of this shitty Georgia studio with $35,000 (I know on the Feud the winners get $20,000 but with inflation, I'm thinking by the 2050's they bump it up).
I absolutely fucking crush the answers. Now it's time to go over them. It's me and longtime Family Feud host, Miles Teller, locked arm and arm.
After 3 answer reveals we're at 197 and I can fucking taste that 35K. 50+ years of work to get here. Years of Red Sox games and leaving my wife wanting just a little more in bedroom. Years and years of trying to reproduce that took a minor toll on our marriage, accepting the fact that our daughter is now our second son, none if it matters, we're finally fucking here.
Miles goes over my 4th answer "Name a day of the week where people go out to eat" My answer is Saturday, because my wife already said Friday which of course was the number one answer".
Miles pauses, like the host always does to create a little drama before the game winner answer . . . "Saturday, 38 points, congratulations M********* family; you just won 35,000 dollars!!"
We're celebrating. After our wedding night, the births of children, the ends of Super Bowls 49 and 51 this is the happiest moment of my life. At that very moment, my heart explodes; literally. It pops like an old water balloon. My untimely death has finally happened, a hair short of 60 years old; I'm dead, RIP Ole Dozo. But I died a fucking Family Feud champion.
P.S. 18th largest state by area in Washington. By population it's Missouri.
I tried to play a little game with twitter today to decide the song of the day. Anything to try to create even an ounce of buzz. Trying to get some excitement for DOL, sue me.
While I appreciate my man Seanny Wrong playing along, I'm a man of my word, and five minutes means five fucking minutes. I'm not one of those people who say I'm on my way somewhere when I haven't even left my house yet. I am #honest. Can't be #honest and not be a man of your word, so instead since my followers took to long I had to do what I always do when I'm in a pinch for an SOD. I hit shuffle on the ole iphone and this gem was the first that came up. Bam just like that we have our SOD. I feel like it might've been a song of the day before but I just needed to get out so I can start my blogging day right at the crack of noon. Ok this has gone long enough, enjoy some great BSB.
Song: Quit Playing Games (With My Heart)
Artist: Backstreet Boys
Album: Backstreet Boys
Dan Auerbach's second solo album "Waiting on a Song" was released Friday. dan-auerbachs-waiting-on-song-comes-out-today-review.html If you're a fan of the Black Keys or good music in general you gotta check it out. Sounds unlike anything the band has ever done before, it's a refreshing record. The whole "retro" sound angle has been beaten to a pulp by critics and such, but it really does fit this album perfectly. Has that quintessential 70's sound, this of course coming from a 25 year old who wasn't alive for 1 second of the decade.
On Saturday Dan Auerbach sat down with CBS This Morning to talk about his new project, the recording process, and of course the future of the Black Keys.
While he doesn't go into that much detail about the Keys, as a fan of the band I think that clip was encouraging. Seems like they do have a future, it's moreso just when will that future be?
Dan talks about the grind of touring life and how much of a toll that took on him and drummer Pat Carney after nearly 15 years on the road together. They needed a break from the sold out stadium tour life. Which I totally get. From 2010-2015 they were on the road nonstop promoting three different albums, that were all major successes. Auerbach just couldn't take a break from music entirely which has given way his much smaller projects. With all due respect, The Arcs would never sell out Madison Square Garden. But that's fine, it appears that isn't what he wants to do, at least not right now. He's enjoying this life. When asked about the future of the group, he said they're just taking a break, which I'm going to believe until their wikipedia page no longer says "Years active: 2001- present".
As for Auerbach himself, I'm excited to see what happens with this album and his solo career. I listened to it a few more times over the weekend and really love it. I think I've listened to Never in My Wildest Dreams 20 times already. He hasn't stopped working since the Keys took their break, working 3 days a week writing, and 3 days a week recording, has hundreds of finished songs. I want to hear more. While I desperately want more music from the Black Keys it's obvious Dan is having a great time doing what he's currently doing in Nashville. I'm just gonna enjoy this new album and what else the mastermind who is Dan Auerbach has in store.
Here's what Dan and all his new friends performed on CBS this weekend.