Despite how my last few blogs may make it seem, it wasn't all doom and gloom during Week 1 of the 2022 NFL season. There were tons of fantastic finishes, and we got to see what may end up being the future of special teams.
Chiefs kicker Harrison Butker tweaked his ankle early in their game against the Cardinals, forcing safety and emergency kicker Justin Reid into action. Butker would eventually return to the game.
The NFL hates when fans share its content, so click on THIS to see a video of every Justin Reid kick from Sunday.
Reid went 1/2 on PATs and kicked off SEVEN times, five of which were touchbacks while filling in for Butker. This dude's got a leg on him. He boomed it out of the end zone. Sure the accuracy might not be there, he shanked one of his PATs pretty badly, but I'm more concerned with the kickoff aspect for this blog. Kicking specialists have only been a thing since the 1940s; even then, it was rare. It wasn't until Pete Gogolak in the mid-1960s that we saw the first "soccer-styled" kickers, and teams dedicated a roster spot to pure kickers. Before that, kickers were usually big offensive linemen who used their power to toe the ball. Your Lou Grozas and Jerry Kramers of the world. Sure some other positions kicked too, but there were a lot of guards/kickers at this time. During this era, field goal percentages were gross. 60% was fantastic. Nowadays, if you're under 85%, you're a bum. For field goals and extra points, definitely keep the specialists. Have them focus on scoring points, but if you have a guy on your team that can boot it through the endzone or pin the ball deep, forcing a return attempt, wouldn't it be better for your kickoff coverage to have a better athlete on the field? Sure there are some examples of kickers being athletic. Everybody loves when they end up making a tackle. McAfee had a couple of big hits in his day. Adam Vinatieri famously laid out Herschel Walker (if you vote for him, you have rocks in your head), but I think the Chiefs may be onto something here. I don't expect Butker to lose his kickoff role, but the game is always changing. I'm spitballing here, but I wouldn't be surprised if a team started using a Justin Reid-type player for kickoffs. An athletic safety or linebacker type gives you another solid defender on kickoff coverage. It makes the game 11 on 11 instead of 11 on 10 or sometimes 11 on 10 and a half if you've got a McAfee-type out there.
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Song: Queen of Peace (live) Artist: Florence + the Machine Album: How Big, How Blue, How Beautiful (2015) I can't wait to see my girl Flo for the 3rd time tomorrow. I know she won't play this (I've been doing my setlist homework & it's been the same every show. I get wanting to play the new shit but some classics should never be omitted), but it's still one of my faves.
How happy is Zac Taylor right now?
Just when you thought he had "bonehead coach of the week" on lock, Broncos rookie head coach Nathaniel Hackett (nepotism offspring of Paul Hackett) goes out there and forgets what timeouts are (don't worry, he'd overcompensate for his mistake later). In fairness, player performance matters. Hackett didn't fumble on the goal line twice like his two lead backs.
I didn't have any scratch on the game, but thoughts and prayers if you took the Broncos or potentially had Broncos ML to close out a 14K parlay.
Let's fast forward to the Broncos final drive of the game; they're on their own 22 with 4:02 remaining, down 17-16. I get wanting to milk the clock in that situation. Ideally, you're getting into makable field goal range as time expires; maybe you score a touchdown late, but you gotta score. That's priority number one. Football 101. Obviously, you don't want your opponent to get another possession at this point in the game, but Denver's urgency wasn't there. Sure, it's their first game with a new QB, but look at the play times. They were barely moving the ball. It took them 2:02 to gain 18 yards.
This is where things got bizarre. Denver's on their own 40 with three timeouts left at the two-minute warning.
After Javonte Williams caught a short pass and gained around 7 yards, he fought for the extra yard instead of going out of bounds. Not the time and place for that, Javonte! Denver then takes its sweet-ass time like Donovan McNabb in the Super Bowl only to run another little pop-up screen for a four-yard loss. If you're not gonna call the time out there, whatever, it's a philosophical difference, but you cannot run a fucking screen because of exactly what happened in the game. They weren't even going to call timeout after losing four yards. The Broncos got bailed out by a Seahawk injury which stopped the clock at 1:13. On 3rd & 14, Russell Wilson dumps it off to Javonte again. He gains 9 yards despite a lousy pass. Now Denver is on the Seattle 46 with the clock running.
It's 4th & 5. They still haven't used any of their three timeouts. They're burning up their time like a solid Pigeons Playing Ping Pong song.
After nearly letting the play-clock expire, Denver calls its first timeout to bring out McManus for a 64-yarder. That poor bastard.
Look at the drive's play-by-play and make sure you focus on the times. They let the clock flow down the drain like water when you're brushing your teeth if you didn't have parent's who taught you that was wasteful.
Kickers are a lot better than they used to be, but how are you gonna give up the haul you did for Russell Wilson and take the ball out of his hands on 4th & 5 to attempt a would've been NFL record prior to 2014, 64 yard field goal??? It'd be one thing if was like a 52 yarder, but this was borderline workplace endangerment.
The Seahawks even iced McManus, which gave the Broncos the opportunity to rethink and try to gain more yardage, but they again opted for the field goal.
Sure, it was kinda close, but it's still a SIXTY-FOUR YARDER. That's 192 feet. I'd sort of get the call if it was sub 58, but it's just insane to me to think you have a better chance at making a nearly 200 foot field goal over picking up five yards with RUSSELL WILSON.
I've never liked the name Nathaniel, but Nathaniel Hackett is a BUM. Completely mismanaged the clock. Dude made Andy Reid look atomic. I still can't believe that just happened. Oh and he used his last two timeouts when the Seahawks were kneeling it out like a fucking loser in Madden. Sick debut, bro. I cannot believe an NFL coach fucked up that badly. Good for Geno though. I'm happy for him.
Even though I had a feeling they'd lose because the Pats always struggle in Miami, I still took their money line and included them in the first Too Many Legs Teaser of the Week (Week 1, 2022) like an idiot homer.
#NeverForget. I got all the bad legs out of me during week one. I'd rather go 1-7 than 7-1!
So I have this gambling strategy where I love to double, sometimes triple, quadruple, and even quintuple down on bets that aren't going so hot. My rationale is that if they make a comeback, I don't want to miss out on the live odds where the payouts increase. Like, I wish I live bet Super Bowl LI. This strategy has worked out in the past—notably, the Celtics 2022 NBA Finals: Presented by YoutubeTV run.
So yesterday, when the Pats were down 10-0 and 17-0, I peppered Pats ML in case they decided to start playing competent football.
That never really happened; even their lone score of the game was a fucking joke. — Doz #HireDozo (@DozonLife) September 12, 2022
I'm trying not to overreact after one game. Last year the Pats started 2-4 and went up 10-7 before losing a playoff game by 30 points! I know this team is flawed and likely not sniffing a Super Bowl anytime soon, but I'd be lying if I said I'm not concerned about them. They should be better than they were yesterday. The offensive line sucked. Why didn't Kendrick Bourne play until the 4th quarter? What was with the play calling? (the Ty Montgomery hand-off on 2nd & 17 nearly gave me a stroke)
The opening drive actually looked pretty good until the interception, but honestly, I don't think that was on Mac. It should've been pass interference or at least holding.
Besides a horrible breakdown to end the first half, I thought the Pats' defense played alright. They held Miami to just 65 rushing yards (call it sub-70 counting kneel-downs) and 13 points. Not bad for an offense with weapons like Hill and Waddle.
Like I said in my Zac Taylor blog, player performances obviously matter, but coaching and positioning are just as important. What were the Pats thinking with ten guys within 10 yards of the line of scrimmage in this situation?
That score made the game 17-0 Dolphins, and it was pretty much over from there, although the Pats long 15-play, 92-yard drive to start the second half after forcing a three and out was encouraging.
I'm not ready to say the season is over, but with the money this team is paying its pass-catchers, you'd like it to be a little easier for them to move the ball. Every first down (after the opening drive) felt like a miracle. Jakobi Meyers bailed Mac out a few times. Maybe replacing Josh McDaniels with Matt Patricia was a bad idea??? Speaking of Matt Patricia. He's the whole reason I wrote this blog. His sweaty ass in some Patriots smock was the one good thing to take away from this game. Sure, this might be a little self-centered of me, but someone's gotta show the boi some love! Despite putting up Skip Bayless high school basketball-type numbers on Twitter, I know it's not entirely my fault. I'm an underground, super niche writer. I currently have 225 followers, of which maybe 30 interact with my tweets. So even if I'm spitting an extraordinary fact or decent joke, it could sink to the bottom of the internet ocean with like 27 impressions and zero likes. Meanwhile, the same recycled "I can't believe a shrimp fried this rice" bull shit goes viral every day. It's no secret I've put all my eggs in the Barstool basket. It's literally all I want in life. I know I'd thrive in that job and environment, but it's super competitive, and since I have essentially no internet following after all these years, the deck is stacked against me. Even writing this blog feels a little weird, but this tweet:
was featured in not one, but two Jerry Thornton (of) Barstool Sports blogs
S/O my boy OC for breaking the news to me that I wouldn't see until 12:35 pm.
I know I'm a weird fuck, but weird fucks make Barstool an amazing mixture of sports, comedy, pop culture, and the human experience. This isn't the first time I've had a tweet embedded into a Barstool blog, but after how poorly my NFL season started---
---it felt great to have my "content" included on the website I want to work for more than I've ever wanted anything in my 30 years on this planet.
My shrink, family, passengers in the ub, hell, even some friends tell me I need to stop being so hard about myself, and they're right. Spoiler alert, my mentals have been in a dark place the last couple years, negatively affecting my writing and pursuit of my dream. Spending hours on a blog to get ZERO feedback is deflating. I'm not saying I need the love and approval of millions or even thousands, but if like three people a day complimented my art, I'd have the confidence of a lion. I'd love to write and create more, but sometimes I'm not there mentally or emotionally, and I don't wanna write just to write, and it ends up being shit. This blog turned into a little vent therapy session, but I'm not done yet. I created @URIprobs. I've crushed it on Twitter before. My @dozonlife tweets often catch no likes or retweets, but that doesn't necessarily mean what I said isn't funny/informative/true/etc. Most of the time, they just aren't seen. I'm getting essentially no eyeballs on my shit and it's a viscious cycle. My reply game has recently shown that when given the eyeballs, people agree or find humor in my takes.
— no context nathan (@NathanForYouOoC) September 2, 2022
I know I have what it takes to make it. I have a wealth of knowledge about sports, history, and American "pop culture." If Barstool ever gave me the opportunity I so badly desired, I know I'd crush it. I've applied to the big Barstool Idol or mass "we're looking for talent" searches, but I don't send in my blogs or badger people for a shot. That's just not my style, and I've never been someone to constantly reach out for help. I want that to change, but I don't wanna be annoying or bothersome, even though I know I should be the squeaky wheel to get that grease. I don't know, man, I'm rambling, but it felt amazing to see a tweet that had to inch and claw to get double-digit likes get included on the website and brand I've spent the last seven years trying to garner employment from. It's just a tweet that Thornton saw and thought went well with his position, but it further proves that I know I have what it takes. I just need someone to believe in me. That's not to say there aren't people already, but I need the confirmation. The internet ruined my brain; I care too much about stupid likes because that's the metric that "proves your worth." I get in my head and think the worst. My self-confidence has never been high, but weight issues and a bunch of "Woah, you're 30 now. Figure it out." moments have only made it worse.
I'll never give up; moments like this only fuel my fire, but I know this blog will get maybe 14 reads, and I just want to relax and watch MNF. Hopefully, Courtland Sutton goes off, so at least I can catch one football related win during Week 1, but in a way, I already did. #HireDozo P.S. Tell me I'm wrong (I'm not)
Double P.S.
This is my first tweet embedded in a Barstool blog (July 2015). IDC that His Team Just Made the Super Bowl, Zac Taylor's Seat Should Be Hot After Yesterday9/12/2022
Yesterday's Week 1 slate showed why the NFL is the king of American sports. Apart from the Patriots' embarrassing no-show performance in Miami that included a (defensive) breakdown worse Ezra Miller's, most of the 1 pm games were incredible.
Like, how can you not love Jameis?
By the witching hour, all my bets were deader than the Queen, but that's okay. It's a marathon, not a sprint. We'll rebound. But one game left me wondering: what if a moron coaches the defending AFC Champion Cincinnati Bengals?
Player performance obviously plays a significant role in the outcome of games. Everybody knows that. Zac Taylor didn't turn the ball over five times like potential hardo Joe Burrow. This interview answer really rubbed me the wrong way.
But once great coaches like Bill Belichick will tell you, players win games and coaches lose them. Putting someone in the best spot to succeed is just as important as God and anabolic-given talent. I've always hated the phrase "a good carpenter doesn't blame his tools" because that's bull shit to me. The quality of your materials definitely matters. The best guitar players in the world would sound like shit if you gave them a two-string, out-of-tune axe. You can't shovel a driveway with a soup spoon.
Yesterday, I was stuck using one screen switching back and forth like Ray Allen between the Pats broadcast and RedZone, so I didn't get to see everything in real-time, but Zac Taylor had two of the most inexcusable coaching mistakes that I've ever seen. The first occurred with little less than three minutes left in the game. The Bengals were trailing 20-14, but despite their rocky start, were positioned to take the lead. To his credit, after a rough day, Joe Burrow (who, again, I like but am worried is going to become an unlikable hardo with shit like that video I included) connected with former LSU teammate Ja'Marr Chase on a pass that should've been ruled a touchdown.
However, the officials ruled that Chase was out at the 1-yard line. The Bengals didn't challenge the clearly blown call and ended up not scoring after a -2 yard run, an incomplete pass, a 1-yard gain, and another incomplete pass.
Here's what Taylor had to say about the should-be touchdown and why he opted not to challenge it.
Not exactly what you want to hear out of a head coach. "It's hard with all the craziness to just stop," bro, you're an NFL head coach. Your literal job is to handle all the craziness. Imagine if Belichick, Andy Reid, Mike Tomlin, or John Harbaugh said that. But it gets even better!
Why would you want to go "tempo" when you're on the goal line with less than 3 minutes to play? Milk that clock.
Speaking of clock milking, after the Bengals forced OT thanks to a Burrow to Chase connection that did count---
---late in OT, the Bengals did the now timeout-less Steelers a bigger favor than driving them to an out-of-state airport by inexplicably punting with 15 seconds left on the play clock.
Now I'll give NFL head coaches some credit. They (likely) know more about football than me. I'm sure they could school me on route concepts and how to attack a Tampa-2 defense, but sometimes regular fans see the game better than you. Any idiot who's ever played more than two games of Madden knows there are certain situations where you drain as much time as possible. With a minute left in overtime and neither team has timeouts, if you're forced to punt with a running clock, don't snap the ball with 15+ seconds left on the play clock.
Hell, you're at midfield. Taking the delay of game doesn't really hurt you here; if anything, it makes a touchback less probable. Drain the full play-clock, take the five yards and go from there. Instead, the Bengals gave the Steelers an extra 15 valuable seconds that ended up coming back to haunt them when Chris Boswell nailed a 53-yard game-winner. Again, the Steelers were out of timeouts.
Pittsburgh ended up getting the ball with 56 seconds left at their own 20-yard line thanks to a touchback instead of what should've been closer to 40 seconds. Who knows if taking the delay of game sets up the Bengals to better pin the Steelers deep in their own territory, but it undoubtedly would've given Pittsburgh less time to get into field goal range.
Now to be fair to Zac Taylor's blunders, an injury to long snapper Clark Harris meant emergency long snapper Chris Wilcox had to snap for the potential game-winning PAT after Chase's touchdown. The protection could've been better, but a slow snap allowed Minkah Fitzpatrick to block the PAT and force overtime.
Then in OT, the usually clutch Evan McPherson shanked a chip shot 29-yarder due to another poor snap.
Kickers miss kicks all the time due to their own poor aim, but that miss was on the snap and hold, which ruined the timing. Earlier in the game, when Harris was still playing, McPherson banged a 59-yarder.
Last season, the Bengals had a miracle run to the Super Bowl thanks to outstanding play from Burrow, Chase, McPherson and many other PLAYERS on the roster, but did they really do anything from a scheme point during that run that made you go "wow what a coach?" Maybe they did and my depression brain already forgot, but I think most would agree that their talent got them to Super Bowl LVI, not the game plan of Zac Taylor (career record: 16-33-1). Taylor said they rushed the snap because of the back-up long snapper situation and they were more concerned with getting the snap off, but being prepared for that situation would've been what a good head coach does. How often do they practice what would happen if the long snapper got hurt? Plus, if they took the delay of game, the clock would've stopped, so there would be no need to rush the snap just to make sure it got back cleanly.
Good coaches like Andy Reid/the Chiefs special team had Justin Reid ready if Harrison Butker were to go down, which happened like <10 minutes into their season.
Do you think a team that always takes the cheap and easy way out really practices what would happen if the long snapper got hurt? If they do, good for them, but as a betting man, I doubt it.
In sports, sometimes you need to be bold. Like, sure, it's kinda crazy the Raiders cut Alex Leatherwood one year after drafting him in the first round (I know it's different coaching staffs), but you have to give them a little credit for moving on from someone they didn't believe in. It's like the Ravens not bringing back Trent Dilfer despite "leading them" to a Super Bowl. After letting Marvin Lewis hang around for too long, I doubt the Bengals are even considering making a change, but if you want to get the most out of this Super Bowl window, it might not hurt to look yourselves in the mirror and ask if you've got the right coach. NBA teams move on from "successful" coaches all the time if it's not the right fit. After yesterday's blunders, I think it's fair to warm that seat up. The Bengals came out flat in a home-opener against arguably their most hated rival. That's on the coach. Joe Burrow had a bad day, and a large part of that is on him, but Zac Taylor's game mismanagement cost the Bengals more, IMO. Cincy should've won that game, or at the very least, tied. Cincinnati is one of the most talented teams in the league, but we've seen how hard it is to duplicate success year after year. The Russell Wilson-Legion of Boom Seahawks only won one Super Bowl (thanks, Pete!). The LT Chargers were regularly among the most talented rosters in the league and never even made a Super Bowl. Championship windows close quickly. Look at the Washington Nationals. Coaching matters, and based on his miscues yesterday, the Bengals should be worried if Zac Taylor is the right guy to lead this loaded team.
P.S.
I like this Bengals team. One of my best friends is a Bengals fan, so as a hashtag good guy, I want to see them do well. Taylor's mistakes were inexcusable yesterday, but he's far from the only coach to fuck up and cost his team. Last year's AFC #1 seed, Tennessee Titans, lost to the lowly New York Giants yesterday. There are plenty of reasons why, but none stick out, like the idiotic decision to run a TIGHT END SWEEP on 3rd and 1 instead of giving the ball to one of the best running backs of the 21st century.
Song: Act My Age (2022) Artist: Pale Waves Album: Unwanted Tell me about it.
The NFL is officially back tonight! If you're reading this, congratulations on surviving another off-season. Now it's time to dedicate half of your weekend and two weeknights (depending on if you've got an Amazon Prime sub or not) to the greatest sport in the world.
I'm still getting used to using a 17-game schedule when projecting a team's record, so I appreciate the league returning on 9-8, which is a potential record under the new(ish) format. That record got the Philadelphia Eagles the 7 seed last year. I'm such a football guy that whenever I'd see a 14' 2" clearance sign on an overpass, I wouldn't think about whether or not my vehicle could fit under (obviously it would, I don't drive a semi), but the 14-2 record that four New England Patriot teams achieved. Of course, by the time we're all used to saying, "I think we can go 10-7 this year," the league will adopt an 18-game season, but there's nothing wrong with more football. I'm just so used to 16-game records like 11-5, 8-8, etc. Speaking of more football, if you wanna go down memory lane and see some past DOL NFL preview/prediction blogs from the seven calendar years of DOL before HB diving into the season, I've got you like covered (unlike DeShaun Watson). 2016: I still can't believe the Cardinals were such a disappointment. 2017---I guess I didn't do an NFL preview blog this year. Must've been too busy getting verbally abused by 8th graders in Nashville. 2018: I had the Chargers beating the Pats in the AFC Championship lololol. 2019: I called Christian McCaffrey going 1000-1000 NBD. 2020: I was right about Russell being MVP for like 7 weeks. 2021: Totally nailed Joe Judge getting fired, unfortunately, he's my problem now.
This season, I'm switching things up and giving a floor and ceiling for every team in addition to standings, playoff, Super Bowl, and major award picks. If you're unfamiliar with that terminology, essentially, the floor is the worst record these teams could go assuming there are no significant injuries. Like, the Bills' season is over if Josh Allen tears his ACL tonight. But it's no fun to say "0-17" for every team, so we're working under the assumption that there are no catastrophic injuries to key personnel. Conversely, saying "17-0" for every team is idiotic, so with ceiling, this is the best I think a team could finish given their current state. They might not align with how I project the standings because a team like the Chargers could have a higher ceiling than the Chiefs, but it'll be fine. I believe in you. If you're still a little lost, I'm sure you'll catch on quickly like Ja'Marr Chase.
Before we get into all 32 teams, I'm gonna fire off some hot takes for the season. Here's what I had last year with how they turned out in bolded parentheses. 2021: -Urban Meyer will fail in Jacksonville. He makes it through year one, but there will be no year three. (He did fail, but I was too kind assuming he'd survive the season) -Mac Jones throws 30 touchdowns. (24 including the playoffs AND he "made the Pro Bowl") -The Texans will be lucky to win multiple games. (accurate, they were lucky to) -Dan Campbell doesn't make it to 2022. (Wrong and I'm totally fine with that; I like Dan Campbell, but I haven't watched a second of Hard Knocks this year) -Daniel Jones loses his starting job; Joe Judge gets fired. (Half right) -Derek Carr has a great fantasy season, but the Raiders miss the playoffs again. (Half right) -Dolphins take a step back. (technically 9-8 is a step back from 10-7 and the coach got fired, so I'd say spot on Dozie) -Steelers miss the playoffs and Big Ben retires after the season. (If the Carson Wentz Colts didn't lose to the Jaguars this would be spot on) -Falcons go 4-13. (7-10) -Taysom Hill ends up making at least two starts at QB. (The now TE was 4-1 as a starter last year) -Carson Wentz is a disaster in Indy. (NAILED IT) -Cliff Kingsbury doesn't make it to week 12. (wrong, but the Cardinals did fall tf off) -Rob Gronkowski scores double-digit touchdowns for the first time since 2015. (He would've if he didn't get hurt)
2022 Hot Takes:
-Jacksonville Jaguars are a competitive 5-8 win team under Doug Pederson -Tony Pollard ends up with more touches than Zeke Elliott -AJ Dillon scores double-digit touchdowns to make up for the loss of Davante Adams -Davis Mills has a top 15 QB season despite the Texans being terrible again -Cardinals missed the playoffs, this is the year pretty boy Cliff gets fired -Chargers lose at least one game they should've won because they refuse to sub 30-year field goals -Brady finally starts to show signs of his advanced age -Gronk comes back to the Bucs -Jimmy G gets traded -Malik Willis starts at least 3 games for the Titans -Minnesota Vikings end up with the top offense in the NFL -Tyreek Hill has a sub-1000 yard season in Miami -Someone scores 7 points the Iowa way (field goal and two safeties) -Cooper Kupp only has 125 receptions -Jonnu Smith scores at least 4 touchdowns
League Wide Predictions
AFC East:
1. Buffalo Bills
Floor: 10-7
On paper, the Buffalo Bills are one of, if not the best team in the NFL. Josh Allen is a sexy MVP pick this season and is only getting better, but the Bills haven't had a real running game since Shady McCoy. Sure the league is changing, but sometimes you gotta be able to run the ball in certain spots. We saw the importance of that in their MNF loss to the Pats, but then they literally didn't punt in either of their following two match-ups, so I could be totally off. I think losing Brian Daboll is pretty significant. I wouldn't be shocked to see a slow start with a new OC, especially when they're starting the season against the defending champs on the road. Let's not forget that this team inexplicably lost to the dumpster fire Jaguars last year and has had a rocky off-season with the whole you drafted an "alleged" gang-rapist thing.
Ceiling: 15-2
Like I just said, the Bills are one of the best teams in the NFL and they added Von Miller. It's Super Bowl or bust in Western New York. We know I'm not a jinx guy, but if you're a Bills fan, you gotta hate seeing this.
Maybe James Cook ends up solving their running back problem? Maybe it won't matter with Josh Allen throwing 56 touchdowns? All I know is this team got a lot better this offseason and l've got 31 more these, and I'm trying to be concise for your sake cause I know how much reading sucks (right Lea?). The Bills are gonna be a problem all year as long as Josh Allen is behind center (speaking of, their O-line isn't great).
2. New England Patriots
Floor: 6-11
I am hashtag worried about my beloved New England Patriots. I still don't get why they wasted a first-rounder on a D-6 offensive lineman or shelled out so much money on mid-free agents in 2021 that there was no money left for JC Jackson, but I am expecting a regression this year. I hope I'm wrong, but I think in like four years, we could look back at the Patriots lack of an OC for Mac Jone's 2nd season as a reason why he's out of the league or on another team. I'm high on Mac but am terrified of the cluster fuck that is Joe Judge and Matt Patricia. Plus, the AFC is loaded, and their schedule isn't easy. This is a much better than six-win roster, but that's my floor.
Ceiling: 11-6
Maybe everybody is overreacting about the OC situation and Mac shines in year 2? With one of the best running back tandems in the league and a solid defense the Patriots could dictate flow and shorten games with t.o.p. (time of possession) football. They still have Belichick (even though at times I worry he's too set in his old ways. Sure he's adapted time and time before, but the dude is 70 years old). Luckily the red jerseys are back this year. They're legitimately 500x better than their current Wal-Mart specials and good for at least an extra win.
3. Miami Dolphins
Floor: 6-11
I don't believe in Tua. I think it's crazy they sacked Flores. Sure McDaniel seems like a cool, innovative guy, but some organizations are simply dumpster fires. The Miami Dolphins are one of those organizations. Two playoff appearances since realignment in 2002 ('08, '16). Their DeSantisland neighbor Jaguars have three ('05, '07, '17). Can Mike McDaniel really be a leader of men?
Ceiling: 10-7
I'm wrong about Tua, and McDaniel shows why they were right to wrongfully fire Brian Flores after getting a 1-7 team to 9-8. It's 1 am, and we're going quicker with irrelevant franchises.
4. New York Jets
Floor: 3-14, Ceiling: 6-11
Their "franchise QB" is gonna miss some serious time and like I said, we're getting quicker with irrelevant franchises. The Jets have won the AFC East TWICE since the AFL-NFL merger in 1970. I will be rooting for Flacco vs. the Ravens week one (unless I end up taking the Ravens in TML) but it feels like another rebuilding year in New York via New Jersey.
AFC North
1. Baltimore Ravens
Floor: 8-9, Ceiling: 12-5
It pains me to give this franchise credit, but the Ravens are one of the top organizations in football. Last year they were decimated by injuries and still ended up at a respectable 8-9. They were 8-3 before the wheels fell off and they dropped six straight (5 of which were by less than 3 points). With a healthy Lamar and a target on the Bengals backs, I think the Ravens reclaim the north in an ultra-competitive division.
2. Cincinnati Bengals
Floor: 7-10, Ceiling: 12-5
I like this Bengals team a lot. I rode their ML all playoffs. Hayden Hurst is a great replacement for Uzomah. They're a ton of fun and full of likable guys (Joe Mixon withstanding), but I'm a narrative guy and these are the Cincinnati Bengals. It wouldn't shock me to see them be a minor disappointment this year. I still think they'll be a solid, playoff caliber team, but last year they sort of came out of nowhere and this year as defending AFC champs they're gonna get everybody's best game. They did patch up the o-line a little bit which was probably their biggest weakness, but gun to my head I see them going 10-7, 11-6 and just missing out on the AFC North crown for a second year in a row. Sorry pops.
3. Pittsburgh Steelers
Floor: 6-11, Ceiling: 11-6
The Steelers are one of the most fascinating teams in the NFL. Last year with the corpse of Big Ben they snuck into the playoffs, but that's mainly because the Ravens, Chargers, and Colts all choked down the stretch. Still, you gotta give them their credit for getting there. Najee Harris is one of the better young backs in the league, and even with a questionable o-line, I expect him to build off a solid rookie year.
The defense is one of the best in the league, but what will they get from the QB position? Apparently, Mitch has looked good, and I'm rooting for him, but between him and lil hands Kenny it has to be an upgrade from the Big Ben statue behind center last year. It wouldn't shock me to see the Steelers have their first losing season since 2003, but I also think they could sneak into the playoffs again on the back of an elite defense. Don't be surprised if Pat Freiermuth catches 10+ touchdowns. I wish I had drafted him, but I took Kelce like a piece of shit.
4. Cleveland Browns
Floor: 4-13, Ceiling 8-9
For like a year and a half the Browns were cool to pull for after a 1-31 stretch, but they gave DeShaun Watson a fully-guaranteed deal after at the very least being a major creep to like 25 women. Fuck the Browns, I hope they go 0-17. Actually, I hope Jacoby Brissett plays at an MVP level and they're forced to bench him like fools because they gave a predator the fucking bag. To quickly take my hater shades off, the Browns have one of the best offensive lines in the NFL and I love Nick Chubb.
AFC South
1. Indianapolis Colts
Floor: 8-9, Ceiling: 13-4
I am higher than the woman protagonist of Tal Bachman's 1999 one-hit wonder smash "She's So High" on the Indy Colts in 2022.
Sure, I have future tickets on them to win the division and the Super Bowl because I'm a narrative guy, and the last two Super Bowl champs were loaded rosters that upgraded a shaky QB with a solid vet, but I genuinely love this roster. The Colts are loaded on defense with one of the best running backs in the game and a veteran QB in Matt Ryan, that still has plenty left in the tank and even more left to prove the haters. It goes without saying that I want the Patriots to win the Super Bowl every season, but I'm a realist and just don't see it in 2022. I'd love to see Matty Ice get a ring after being a punchline since 28-3. He played great in that game and doesn't deserve all the blame he got (obviously, he deserves some). My biggest concern is that he didn't start fresh jersey number wise. Carson Wentz left too much stank on #2. Don't forget that Darius Leonard is now Shaquille Leonard. You shouldn't dead-name transpeople, but you definitely don't wanna dead name one of the baddest mother fuckers in the league. I think the Colts run away with the South, even though they should not be in that division from a geographic standpoint.
2. Tennessee Titans
Floor: 7-10, Ceiling: 10-7
I love Derrick Henry and Mike Vrabel, but I just don't see the Titans returning the playoffs in 2022. The AFC is too loaded and Ryan Tannehill has shown that even if you change his jersey you can't get that Dolphins stink fully off him. He put up Bob Griese numbers during their 2019 (2020) playoff run and that is not a compliment. This team should've mopped the Bengals off the field last year and sure Tractorcito's injury slowed them down but without AJ Brown and an improved division, I think the Titans take a major step back this season. I wouldn't be shocked to see Malik Willis take the starting job by Thanksgiving.
3. Jacksonville Jaguars
Floor: 4-13, Ceiling: 9-8
I thought Trevor Lawrence would struggle as a rookie, but not to the extent he did last year. I'll cut him some slack from the mess this organization was under Urban Meyer, but from a talent standpoint, this roster didn't really improve unless you count getting Travis Etienne back. It's 1:52 am, and nobody is reading this blog for my Jaguar takes, but Doug Pederson brings some stability to a franchise that desperately needs some. I think the Jags win six games.
4. Houston Texans
Floor: 3-14, Ceiling: 5-12
If nobody's coming here for Jags takes, you can best believe they don't wanna hear about the lowly Houston Texans. Everybody is souping up Dameon Pierce, but if you're down 17-3 after 20 minutes, IDK how much you can count on him to get carries. I don't hate Davis Mills as a QB, but is he really the guy? I've already wasted enough finger power typing this much about a team that won't sniff six wins.
AFC West
1. Los Angeles Chargers
Floor: 7-10, Ceiling: 13-4
It's the Chargers time. Are they gonna take the next step or continue to be the most talented team to accomplish nothing? I love Herbert and think he could be MVP, but he does need to start winning games (although somethings are out of his control, like calling a time-out in OT to help set up the Raiders GW-FG). Top to bottom, this might be the most talented roster in the league, but it's also one of the most volatile. It wouldn't shock me to see the Chargers finish below .500 or hoist the Lombardi.
2. Kansas City Chiefs
Floor: 10-7, Ceiling: 13-4
The Mahomes to Hill connection was one of the best in NFL history, but in a weird way, I think his loss will benefit the Chiefs. You can't replace his production or speed, but spreading the ball around more might be what Mahomes needs at this point in his career instead of playing junkyard football with two targets. Andy Reid is still one of the best coaches in the NFL. I'm not sure what to expect on defense from this club, but with Mahomes, they're a lock to win 10 games and get into the dance.
3. Denver Broncos
Floor: 7-10, Ceiling: 12-5
I love Russell Wilson's game and how it translates to Denver. The Broncos will be one of the most entertaining offenses in football with two stud WRs and a more than solid backfield. Defensively they've got some dudes. Not sure what to think about the new coaching staff, but gun to my head, with an improved line based on what Russ dealt with in Seattle, I think the Broncos sneak into the playoffs for the first time since 2015.
4. Las Vegas Raiders
Floor: 7-10, Ceiling: 11-6
The AFC West is the best division in football and its not even close. It wouldn't shock me at all (especially with the Adams addition) to see the Raiders back in the playoffs for the second year in a row, but this division is gonna beat the shit out of each other. With their shaky o-line, and Josh McDaniels running the show, I think the Raiders just miss the playoffs at 9-8.
NFC East
1. Dallas Cowboys
Floor: 7-10, Ceiling: 13-4
They're a little injured, but this roster is fully loaded like Herbie. Mike McCarthy isn't a good coach in big games, but as long as Dak is healthy, this team is playoff caliber. They had a lot of turnover luck on defense last year, which is tough to replicate, so it wouldn't shock me to see the Eagles sneak past Dallas to win this division, but it's now 2:31 am, and we're spitballing. Cowboys are the first back-to-back NFC East champs since the 2001-04 Eagles.
2. Philadelphia Eagles
Floor: 8-9, Ceiling: 12-5
It all comes down to Jalen Hurts. Can he make the throws he needs to make as an NFL quarterback? Because with this line and all the weapons (I love their WR core now that Reagor is gone), this is an offense built to score 27+ points per game. They had a great draft to fill some holes on defense. I expect the Eagles to secure a wild-card berth, at the very least.
3. Washington Commanders
Floor: 4-13, Ceiling: 9-8
New name, same shitty franchise. I'm sure Carson Wentz will fail miserably here, but maybe the defense returns to its 2020 glory to carry the Commies to 7 or 8 wins? I do love Riverboat Ron and HATE these fugly new unis. R-words needed to go, but Commanders is a bottom 5 team name in the big four major sports.
4. New York Giants
Floor: 3-14, Ceiling: 6-11
The Giants will be a disaster, but it won't be Daboll's fault (at least this year). Supposedly Saquon is looking good, but man, that pick will go down as one of the worst in NFL history. You could've had Josh Allen!
NFC North
1. Minnesota Vikings
Floor: 7-10, Ceiling: 12-5
The Vikings will end up with the highest-scoring offense in football. They're always solid on D. New coach, which is huge; it felt like Zimmer's act had worn thin. It's all about Cook staying healthy and Cousins avoiding the mistakes he seems to always make (he did throw just 7 picks last year). I wanna finish this by 3 am (it's now 3:41 as I edit), so I apologize for the lack of specifics. I don't like #4 for Dalvin Cook, though, 33 is a great RB number.
2. Green Bay Packers
Floor: 8-9, Ceiling: 13-4
They lost one of the best weapons in the NFL and replaced him with Sammy fucking Watkins. I wouldn't be shocked to see Odell end up in Green Bay. I love their backs and Tonyan coming back is huge. We're gonna see a much different offense this season, but that might be for the best. Take a little load off of Rodger's shoulders. I bet 49ers ML in the playoffs but still cannot believe this team lost to them. Look at the bright side Packer fans, the last time you won the Super Bowl, you were a Wild Card team.
3. Detroit Lions
Floor: 4-13, Ceiling: 9-8
You'd be a real piece of shit to root against the city of Detroit after what they've gone through the last like 60 years, and while I want to see Goff and Campbell do well, the deck is stacked against them. Swift is a great back, but I'll be honest, I couldn't name a single defensive player on this roster outside of Hutch and I'm sure as shit not looking any up right now.
4. Chicago Bears
Floor: 2-15, Ceiling: 6-11
I might not be PC to say but I don't trust this new coach off name alone. Just too silly of a name to succeed. Matt Eberflus has two season tenure written all over him. Justin Fields may be bright spot, but the Bears a mess and need a real owner. I feel for the fans, they deserve better.
NFC South
1. New Orleans Saints
Floor: 7-10, Ceiling: 11-6
I love the Honey Badger addition on defense. Worried about Kamara, but this team went 9-8 last year and probably would've made the playoffs in Jameis didn't get hurt. I think the Bucs are a tad too old and lost a lot on the offensive line. Do I even know the name of their new coach without the aid of the internet? I'm not gonna answer that, but I've got a funny feeling the Saints reclaim the NFC South. Chris Olave is my offensive rookie of the year pick.
2. Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Floor: 8-9, Ceiling: 11-6
This team is only getting older and lost a lot of solid pieces (feel free to look that up to confirm). Brady is the GOAT, but I'm a tad worried the shaky o-line will be problematic at his advanced age. Still a playoff team, and dangerous if they get in, but it's gonna be an inconsistent year.
3. Carolina Panthers
Floor: 4-13, Ceiling: 10-7
The Panthers should be a fun team to watch, but we all know C-Mac will go down at some point. I wouldn't be shocked to see Matt Rhule fired if they're under .500 in November.
4. Atlanta Falcons
Floor: 2-15, Ceiling: 6-11
I'm glad to see Marcus Mariota get another opportunity, but to his determent, it's with one of the weakest rosters in all of football. Kyle Pitts will be entertaining, but the Falcons are in full tank mode.
NFC West
1. Los Angeles Rams
Floor: 9-8, Ceiling: 13-4
The Rams are loaded with talent but lack depth; I love the Bobby Wagner signing to sure up the middle of their D, but I think they take a step back in 2022. There's no way Cooper Kupp replicates his monster year, no Odell, Whitworth retired. A guy like Sean McVay will never say it out loud, but I think winning it all takes a little of his fire. Rams will still be good, but I think they win like 10-11 games and have an early playoff exit.
2. San Francisco 49ers
Floor: 7-10, Ceiling: 12-5
Call me biased, but I'm a Jimmy G guy. I get why the niners moved on, he's just a tad below what you need from a Super Bowl contending team. He's missed some big throws, but the dude is a winner. I think losing his presence in the huddle will hurt, but this team is so talented that as long as Trey Lance is serviceable they should be in the mix. Gun to my head they just miss the playoffs with 9-10 wins.
3. Arizona Cardinals
Floor: 5-12, Ceiling: 10-6-1
No D-Hop for six games, Kyler is addicted to COD, fraud ass head coach, lost Chandler Jones, haven't had a 100 yard tight end since before the first World Trade Center attacks. The Cardinals will miss the playoffs in 2022.
4. Seattle Seahawks
Floor: 1-16, Ceiling: 6-11
I said the Falcons have one of the weakest rosters in the NFL, but the Seahawks are giving them a run for their money outside of their two stud WRs and Jamal Adams. It doesn't matter if it's Geno Smith or Drew Lock; the Seahawks will be pushovers all year. I wouldn't be shocked to see Pete Carroll step down in a "mutual decision" after like a 2-7 start.
AFC Playoffs:
1. Buffalo Bills: 13-4 2. Indianapolis Colts: 12-5 3. Los Angeles Chargers: 12-5 4. Baltimore Ravens: 11-6 5. Kansas City Chiefs: 11-6 6. Cincinnati Bengals: 10-7 7. Denver Broncos: 10-7 Wild Card Weekend: 2. Colts over 7. Broncos in the Peyton Manning Bowl 3. Chargers over 6. Bengals 5. Chiefs over 4. Ravens Divisional Round: 1. Bills over 5. Chiefs 2. Colts over 3. Chargers AFC Championship: 2. Colts over 1. Bills in the signature win of Matt Ryan's career (to that point) in a cold January road game
NFC Playoffs:
1. Dallas Cowboys: 12-5 2. Los Angeles Rams: 11-6 3. Minnesota Vikings: 11-6 4. New Orleans Saints: 11-6 5. Tampa Bay Buccaneers: 10-6-1 6. Philadelphia Eagles: 10-7 7. Green Bay Packers: 10-7 Wild Card Weekend: 7. Packers over 2. Rams 6. Eagles over 3. Vikings 5. Buccaneers over 4. Saints Divisional Round: 7. Packers over 1. Cowboys 5. Buccaneers over 6. Eagles NFC Championship: 7. Packers over 5. Buccaneers Super Bowl LVII: (A2) Colts over (N7) Packers Super Bowl MVP: Jonathan Taylor
Award Winners:
MVP: Josh Allen, QB, Buffalo Bills Offensive Player of the Year: Jonathan Taylor, RB, Colts Defensive Player of the Year: TJ Watt, DE, Steelers Offensive Rookie of the Year: Chris Olave, WR, Saints Defensive Rookie of the Year: Aiden Hutchinson, DE, Lions Comeback Player of the Year: Jameis Winston, QB, Saints Coach of the Year: Dennis Allen, Saints Song: Tek It (disputed year...we'll get to it) Artist: Cafuné Album: Running When I'm playing "Ryan Radio" on Apple Music, I usually skip unfamiliar songs when passengers are in my car. I'm scared to try new things, and the inner teacher in me knows the importance of watching/listening to something before sharing it with the class. I'm not Tipper Gore, I'm all for doing what you want with your art, but if I've got a couple in their mid-70s in the backseat, I'm not gonna risk subjecting them to songs with subject matter that could potentially offend olds. I gotta keep that rating high. Luckily, I rolled the dice last weekend and let "Tek It" play through when an algorithm of my past plays and tastes suggested it. I'm not entirely sure how old it is; I thiiiink it came out in 2019, but the album wasn't released until 2021, and its video debuted earlier this year. No hyperbole; I've listened to "Tek It" at least 30 times over the past week. I cannot get enough. It's IMO shitty writing and basically says nothing, but this song is simply "a vibe." It's incredible, and I may count it as a 2022 song for year-end blog purposes.
Last year, on the 20th anniversary of the September 11th terrorist attacks (it's crazy how they can legally drink this year), I wrote a blog about how the English language needs a word for negative anniversaries. It feels weird to use a term associated with positive things for adverse events and whatnot.
I lead off with that because the story I'm about to tell you certainly constitutes a "negative anniversary," or "oops-a-day-see," as I called them in the 9/11 blog. Due to the content of this story, the 30-year-old man that I technically and legally am is a little apprehensive about telling this tale and submitting it to the internet super highway; I don't need to rehash this and open myself up for ridicule. Then the kid in me and the content side of my brain is like, dude, it's hilarious and also a little educational. Nobody died (barely); it's a great learning experience and fun to reminisce. Share your truth and laugh through the pain like always. It's no secret the last few years have been hard on your boi, and I haven't written as much about myself and my journey through the human experience as I did in the early days of DOL. I want to start doing that again. What better way than to tell one of the most embarrassing stories of my life that completely altered my high school experience?! Content > I'm 30 years old and have been since December 15th, but despite being the biggest I've ever been, and incredibly unhappy lolz, I don't feel that old. I understand how math works and that time does indeed pass, but it's crazy that 2007 was legit half a lifetime ago. For essentially the entire year, I was 15 years old. 2007 spanned the end of my freshman and the beginning of my sophomore year of high school and was a seminal time in my life. I don't have any older siblings, but a solid chunk of my friends do, so my class had much more exposure to booze and weed than the sophomores and juniors at the time. Not to say they didn't also break the law like us or that everybody in my grade did, but due to my high volume of friends with siblings in the class of 2007, we were partying a lot. I'm not trying to brag; it's just a fact. Nobody fucking cares; it isn't cool. It was literally half a lifetime ago. The first time I ever smoked weed was in January 2007. I remember it vividly because it was one of the handfuls of times I remember my dad and his wife getting into a big fight, and he told me to leave the house. So I met up with two friends and ended up smoking some reefer out of a little bong in a tree house which sounds like a Madlib but did happen. That set the wheels in motion for an absolute bender of a 15th year. Since it was winter and I wasn't playing a sport, I'd sleep at a buddy's house almost every weekend, and we'd drink some beers and/or smoke a little weed. This underage partying went on practically every weekend. My grade was full of little savages with access to this stuff because of older brothers, sisters, and cousins who'd let us go to parties where seniors were, but there were plenty of occasions where it'd be only freshmen. It wasn't my whole grade, but I went to a small school, and I'd say like 1/3 of us were drinking warm beer or Burnett's and/or throwing down a few bucks to get a 20 sack and smoke a blunt most weekends. My grades never suffered, and I seldom came home on these nights. If I did, I was very secretive (I'd throw my hoodie under all my dirty clothes in my hamper, thinking that'd mask the smell of weed) to avoid getting caught. So let's fast forward to September of 2007. School didn't start until the 4th, and I had gone nearly the entire summer without getting caught drinking or smoking. I thought I was invincible (not to be confused with the movie from the previous year). Summer '07 was incredible; it was the last summer of my life where I didn't have a job and when one of the most influential movies of my formative years was released.
Apart from training camp for my sophomore year of high school football (where I got serious playing time, NBD), that summer was a blast. There were beach parties where 50-100 high schoolers drank in the dark, tons of sleepovers, the Sox were fantastic, and the internet was still in its infancy, so it was a much more innocent time. Sure, we had Facebook, but I also had a flip phone where you had to text with t9. To any younger readers, you were charged per text and had to listen to ringback tones, and if the person didn't renew their ringback, it turned into a static-y rendition of Beethoven or some other classical trash. Eventually, the phone companies gave in and stopped those archaic practices.
On Saturday, September 1st, I did some of the summer reading that I had put off until its final weekend, caught the end of the App St. upset over Michigan, then went to a friend's house to chill. This night was significant because Clay Buccholz pitched a no-hitter. I remember watching the 9th inning on an old 32-inch box TV in a basement where we frequently drank old beers that year, but I don't think we drank that night. Details are fuzzy as it was legit half my lifetime ago, but the next night I went to a birthday party for a girl in our grade with this same group of friends. I'd assume on the 1st we talked about plans for that party and who's parents would give us rides for what would end up being the last non-school night of the summer since school started on Tuesday. There were four of us, and we were all on the football team, which still had practice on Labor Day. This is a crucial detail to remember for later. My last words before venturing out for the evening on 9/2/07:
Oh man, was I ever.
I should mention that I went to a public high school. I've probably said it on my blog before, but I will not today as I'm trying my best to avoid doxing any people or buildings. What I will do is explain the dynamics of my high school life. There was the public school I went to and a private high school like 10 minutes away where a couple of my friends from 8th grade went to that we'll call "The Trout School" for anonymity's sake. As young, pubescent boys, there was a certain allure to the girls at The Trout School because they didn't go to our school. Everybody in America can understand that. At the time, we referred to these unknown private school girls as "Trout Biddies."
Well, wouldn't you know it? The same night as the birthday party I was supposed to go to with my football friends that I caught the 9th inning of Clay Buccholz's no-no with, there was a big Trout party that I debated going to instead of this one. So I was at the birthday party for a little while when another friend group asked me if I wanted to go to the Trout Party. Since I wasn't having a great time at the girl from my high school's party, I decided to ditch it and go with them to this unknown private school event. My football friends warned me not to because we had practice the next day, but my brain was an entire decade from fully developing, and I didn't care. I wanted to try to make out with some Trout Biddies since the public school girls didn't give me the time of day. We were only 15 then, so we got a ride from one of the two dudes I smoked in the tree house with's cousin. It was me, the two tree house boys, and the guy who owns the house where I currently rent a room. On the ride there, I remember seeing a handle of Captain Morgan in a brown paper bag that I could get down on as long as I threw down. I didn't throw down, but I sure did throw up and much, much worse. We get to the house, and it is fucking incredible. I lived in an affluent town, so some of my friends had impressive homes, but nothing like this. Excluding who I came with, I knew maaaybe five people who'd be there. Two of them went to my public school, and one was the guy I'd consider my closest Trout School friend. I'm just assuming I knew two other people there, but the point is I was a fish out of water at the Trout school party. I remember walking into this place with the three guys I was with and being blown away by the spread. There was sooo much food and like a tower of hors d'oeuvres, but I was drawn to the boxes of sauce bread pizza (a Rhode Island staple) and the fact that Rock of Love was on their big screen HD TV (something that was far from commonplace in September of 2007. For reference, we didn't get one until January of 2008 during the week between the Conference Championship Games and the Super Bowl, but this story isn't about picking the 18-1 scab that made the rest of my sophomore year even worse than the events of this night). Despite the date not matching, I have a few pictures from that night via Facebook so you can see that even though I had a terrible Supercuts haircut at the time, I wasn't an ugly 15-year-old by any means. Sure, I was a little chubby compared to everybody else, but I'd cut off my leg to be this skinny today. On paper, I should've been making out and touching developing boobs.
It's not water in that bottle.
You can see I was wearing a blue and white striped American Eagle polo shirt. What you can't see is the cargo shorts and white boxers I had covering my bottom half. They were the only white boxers I had and the last ones I'd ever own.
Again, this was 15 years ago, so despite already writing over 1500 words, the details are grainy at best. I remember walking around the party, sipping on some Captain Morgan. I know I took a shit before any of it hit the fan (literally). It could've been 20 minutes or an hour and a half after arriving, but the last thing I remember is being on this girl's massive deck with one of the guys I came with. I poured probably four ounces of Captain Morgan into a coke can, walked inside, and unsuccessfully tried to talk to some Trout Bitties. From this point until the following morning is all second-hand information I've heard from friends there. Apparently, some junior or senior from another private school, let's call it Mendrickin that I have zero issued doxing named "Bo" (sick half name) dared me to chug the remainder of the handle of Captain that I didn't throw down for (sorry guys) and I did like the beast I was/am. Since I was only 15 years old and probably like 220ish at the time, this did not end well for me. I ended up throwing up and shitting my pants at the home of a girl I'd never met before in front of dozens of Trout Bitties and dudes I'd also never met. It was chaos. Girls were scared and crying. Some even tried to help me and as a blacked-out 15-year-old, I mistook this for affection and repaid them by trying to kiss them while covered in my own vomit and feces. Not ideal, to say the least! I am sooooooo sorry. I think the people there tried to keep this information hidden from the girl's mom, who was home (maybe the craziest part of a party where 50+ teens were getting shitfaced, and the walls were getting shit-stained). Eventually, someone rolled me down the stairs to get me out of the house (as I was passed out), where understandably, we were no longer welcome. Trout Bitties were crying. Dozo was nearly dying. This is a great time to tell any children reading not to chug Captain Morgan, as you will turn into a newborn baby when it comes to regulating bodily functions. I didn't touch it for at least six years after 9/2/07. My friends were worried I was gonna die, or at least my future landlord was and called an ambulance as well as my father, who at this point had no clue I was party rocking so hard. Surprise, dad! The next thing I remember is waking up in a hospital bed strapped to it because I was causing a scene and seeing my dad, who was holding my hand (sus). The only part of this I remember is the pain of a catheter stretching out my lil 15-year-old dick and saying "I'm so sorry" to my dad no less than 50 times. I was so scare. I had no clue what had happened, including that I had shit my cargo shorts. When I was eventually discharged, I saw that my cargo shorts and white (well, now mostly brown) boxers were cut off while I marinated my own excrement. I don't remember a word from the drive home, but I found out that I had my stomach pumped. I thiiiink I took a shower when I got home; I hope I did, but tbh I'm not sure. I just know I passed the fuck out whenever we got back, but it didn't last too long. I don't know the timeline and probably should've asked my landlord for some details before spending three-plus hours writing this in the wee hours of 9/2/22. I couldn't have gotten that much sleep before getting woken up by dad to go to football the next day when I had alcohol poisoning like 45 minutes earlier. I had never missed a practice at this point in my career, and my dad sure wasn't about to let me start now. I know part of this was punishment (I was also grounded for a month), but I had the worst hangover in my entire life. By this point, my football friends I watched the no-no with a couple of days before had heard the news and asked me what happened like I had any fucking clue. All I can remember at the beginning of practice was feeling like I was going to die. I was probably still drunk. I got through like the first stretch of warm ups before I said something to one of my coaches about not feeling good and tapped out. Shockingly, he didn't go off on me. He even said something about me never missing a practice or tapping out, so it must've been legit. I'm glad society is progressing (or at least trying to), but you must remember how different life was in 2007. Our coaches (two who were teachers) called us bundles of sticks without blinking an eye. God forbid you ever put your hand on your hip. Hazing was just on its way out, but you still had water withheld from you as a sign of manliness, and the last thing you ever wanted to do was pull yourself out of practice and sit on the hill of shame. Players and coaches alike were ruthless toward the "pussies who couldn't take it." One time during my freshman year, a coach asked a fat kid if he was having "a heart attack or a Big Mac attack?" At this point, I was terrified about getting in trouble and possibly kicked off the team. Still, like a quarter into practice, my defensive line coach/English teacher (who I was relatively close with) asked me what happened, and I told him the truth because I'm just an honest fucking guy. Also, I legit thought I was going to die from the hangover, so I wasn't thinking straight. Surprisingly, the coach was cool about it and even gave me some hangover cures like teachers do. I should mention he'd get fired later in the school year for telling our principal to go to hell. #legend. He told me to have two grilled cheeses and some tomato soup, which doesn't seem like the best remedy. Grilled cheeses, sure, but tomato soup seemed wild for someone in my condition. I'm sure my friends busted my balls at practice, but the next day, the first day of sophomore year, is when life became a living hell. I was top-tierish in popular guys in my grade, but instead of Dozah, I was "the party pooper" for most of my sophomore year. The shit was out of the hole. Everybody knew. I got, for lack of a better term, shit from everybody. I get it; I was ruthless back then too. I would've likely done the same thing had it not been me, but it was, and it fucking ruined my sophomore year of HS. I couldn't win an argument because everybody had the tr*mp card that I shit my pants. Girls did not see me as a potential make-out partner because I shit my pant. Even teachers knew that Ole Dozo (not that I was called that back in '07) was "the party pooper" because they'd hear people call me the "supa dupa fupa poopa." Over time, the name-calling died down, but it never died for good. The following year on September 2nd, the scab was reopened, and my senior year, on the 3rd (because they forgot the day before), someone painted our senior rock "Happy 2 year +1 day anniversary to 9/2/07 (read as nine-two-oh-seven) Party Pooper." Luckily, I was not the last person in my high school to get so drunk that they shit themselves, which definitely took some of the heat off ya boi. But I'll tell ya, running into the girl (who was still essentially a stranger) whose party you ruined dropping a shit tornado will make you yearn for the days you run into an ex, even though I didn't know what that was like at that point in my life. Now, why did I spend close to four hours rehashing this now 15-year-old night of a 15-year-old boy? I guess cause it's a funny story and therapeutic, but mainly to think how lucky I am I didn't fucking die that night and to tell all my high school-aged readers to think twice before chugging Captain Morgan. Could you imagine if Ole Dozo was one of those kids who died in fucking high school? Yeah, I would've probably gotten a sick spread in the yearbook, but I'd be a dead teenager. I would've died a virgin who fucking OD'd on fucking Captain Morgan. What a lame way to go. How embarrassing for my parents? Sure, I wouldn't have lived to see 18-1, which would've been a nice bonus, but I legitimately could've been that cliche who died at 15 from succumbing to pier pressure and chugging half a handle of Captain. I've gotten down a lot lately from the state of the world and my inability to stop eating my feelings, but I am so, so, so happy to be alive. I had a blast in high school and don't regret partying; I just wish I had stayed at the "lame birthday party" that night. Song: Yes I'm Changing (2015) Artist: Tame Impala Album Currents "They say people never change, but that's bullshit, they doooooooooo" P.S.
I've used this as an SOD multiple times but it's important to emphasize change and growth, which this masterpiece does so well. Plus Currents is my all-time favorite album. I'll use it everyday if I want! If only this had a real video. |
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