(If you missed the Tom Brady Week of Greatness commercial don't worry you can check it out here. tom-brady-mocks-deflategate-in-foot-locker-ad.html)
With their "Week of Greatness" campaign Foot Locker has been churning out some commercials at athlete's success and I for one love it.....I don't know if you noticed yet but I'm a big self-deprecating humor guy. Just read basically any blog I've written since February.
In this commercial the actors ask Me7o if he's been to the Week of Greatness yet and he answers "not, yet but I plan on it" clearly poking fun at the fact that despite being one of the better players in the NBA over his 14 year career Carmelo has not won a championship, or even made it to the NBA Finals. Love that Melo is on the joke that his window to win a ring is basically glued shut unless he leave the Knicks.
Sure he's won a National Championship at Syracuse and has 3 Olympic Gold Medals which don't get me wrong is impressive. But nobody really cares about that when talking about greatness NBA players. Whether if it's fair or not rings are what everybody cares about. People joke about how Melo is the "Greatest Basketball Olympian Ever" because of his 3 golds when in the grand scheme of basketball legacies that doesn't matter at all.
I loved the Tom Brady commercial and how it made fun of Deflategate but tbh I think this one was way better because it went wayyyy harder at Carmelo's short comings than Brady's. Say whatever you want about Brady, you can think he's a cheater if you want. You're wrong but if you want to you can. But you can't take away from the fact that he has 4 Super Bowl rings and when it's all said and done will hold every major NFL passing record. At the of the end he can laugh his way all the way back to his mansion with a super model wife and almost every accomplishment a QB can achieve.
Melo on the other hand is just a guy who puts up a ton of points on terrible teams. He'll go down as one of the best scorers who couldn't really do anything else. Like win. But hey at least he was a part of USA super teams in the Olympics who are basically the equivalent of high school seniors playing pick up against kindergarteners. That matters right?
Everybody just #StayMe7o
Song: Thnks fr the Mmrs
Artist: Fall Out Boy
Album: Infinity on High
Let's see if you can catch the theme of SOD's this week.
P.S. LOL at 2007 Kim K. Looks like a different human.
Gotta cheer you up after that wicked depressed (but informative) blog! Don't need any of my readers drinking the Kool-Aid!
I do this every time I watch something scary or unsettling before bed. Gotta go to bed with something funny or positive on as the last thing I see or hear before falling asleep so I don't have nightmares. Psych 101.
I try to keep DOL (semi) light hearted with sports, music, pop culture, and failures of my personal life. Whether or not it is actually funny remains to be seen, but that is the goal. That being said this topic isn't really funny at all, but has infatuated me for like 2 years and as a history guy I think people need to know the story.
November 18th is the anniversary of the Jonestown Massacre in Guyana. 38 years ago today on November, 18th 1978 over 900 members of the Peoples Temple Cult died in Jonestown, Guyana after drinking a cyanide-laced Kool-Aid type (not actually Kool-Aid). In the years since people still have the same question: "Why?" As history guy and even bigger conspiracy guy I've always been intrigued by weird events in history like this. People our parents age and older most likely know this story very well but I've noticed people my age and younger usually have no idea.
I don't want to go too in-depth in this but essentially this guy Jim Jones started a church in Indiana called "The Peoples Temple" in the 50's that accepted everybody, which in that time period was basically unheard of. You had whites and blacks worshipping together. Absolutely groundbreaking at the time, especially in Indiana. Jones preached a hybrid of Christianity and socialism.
After a few years he went out west to San Francisco because of criticism for his stances on integration and religion. Although a lot of the hate was because of his pro-integration views. People also felt like something was up with Jones and his message, they would ultimately be correct. In San Fran the Peoples Temple became heavily involved in the political scene. After a few more years in California, the Temple felt unwelcome again and moved to Guyana in South America to escape criticism and investigation from the authorities to create their own "Utopia". However Jonestown would be anything but that. People had almost no ties to the outside world and despite what they may have said, were not allowed to leave. After a little over a year with many people worried about their family members in Guyana because of the cult like writing on the wall, congressmen Leo Ryan and his team went down to visit Guyana to see what Jonestown was all about.
The first night in Jonestown there was a party like atmosphere as the congressman and his team felt welcomed and even at times praised Jones and what he had built. Then during the night a member of the Peoples Temple slipped the congressman a note saying that he wanted to leave, and that people were being held against their will. It was later found out that the whole party had been planned to make it seem like things were a lot better than they appeared at Jonestown.
Jim Jones found out and snapped. The next day when the congressman and his team tried to leave they were met by bullets on the airstrip. Jones was terrified that the media would find out what was going on in Guyana. Leo Ryan was shot dead along with 4 others.
Then back in Jonestown, Jim Jones told his followers they were going to come together in a "Revolutionary Suicide" where they would all poison themselves with a cyanide-laced Kool-Aid like drink. It was actually not Kool-Aid but a knockoff called "flavor-aid" however when the news broke in the U.S. they kept calling it Kool-Aid which led to the creation of the figure of speech "Drinking the Kool-Aid" (whose definition you can read here taken straight from my friends at wikipedia) "is a figure of speech commonly used in the United States of America that refers to any person or group who knowingly goes along with a doomed or dangerous idea because of peer pressure. The phrase oftentimes carries a negative connotation when applied to an individual or group. It can also be used ironically or humorously to refer to accepting an idea or changing a preference due to popularity, peer pressure, or persuasion. Educational leaders commonly use this phrase when attempting to describe the "buy-in" of new initiatives"
Over 900 people died in the Massacre at Jonestown. Some took the Kool-Aid willingly while many did not. What actually happened that day and leading up to it has been heavily debated for decades. Of the 900+ people nearly 1/3 were children. It's a horrible sometimes , forgotten moment in American history that also gave us a figure of speech that I bet many people use without actually knowing where it comes from. Well now thanks to DOL, you do.
That was wayyyyyy too heavy for DOL but I saw a documentary on this last summer and became obsessed with it for like 2 months. I did a ton of research because I was so infatuated with the topic. Why did all these people leave the U.S.? How could they not tell that Jones was batshit crazy? Idk but I'm gonna have to write about 50 happy, funny blogs to cleanse the pallet after this one.
Oh if you are interested in the topic here is one of the very informative documentaries on the topic.
Song: Sleep On The Floor
Artist: The Lumineers
Great video by a great group. Boy I'd love to play that out in real life.
It was just announced that two former Detroit Tiger pitchers; Max Scherzer of the Washington Nationals and Rick Porcello of the Boston Red Sox were awarded their respective leagues Cy Young Awards. If you don't know what that means I'm not really sure why you're reading my blog, but no judgement here, I'm more than happy to have you. The Cy Young Award is given to who the Baseball Writers Association of America believes was the most outstanding pitcher in their league for the season.
Porcello beat out current Detroit Tigers pitcher Justin Verlander by the slimmest of margins. Just 5 points on the ballot. Basically the writers vote for who they think should finish 1st, 2nd, 3rd etc and there is a point total awarded for each vote, with the higher the vote the higher the weight it carries.
What is really strange is that Verlander had the most first place votes and Porcello had the most second places votes. So you'd think they'd finish 1-2 right? Nope! Two writers left Verlander off their ballot completely which gave the edge to my man Pretty Ricky.
Should've figured two idiot Rays writers would mess it up. The news broke while I was at the gym and honestly I was shocked. I raced home because I was going to write about how shocked I was that Rick Porcello won.
However things change, and boy do they change quickly. While I did not expect Pretty Ricky Porcello to snag the award, I'm happy he did, even though I think Verlander deserved it more.
Can't say that everybody else is as happy about it as I and most of Red Sox nation am for Pretty Ricky.
Nope, Verlander's fiancé; everybody's favorite 2011 sensation Kate Upton took to twitter in a fit of rage to defend her man.
Looks like Katie took a page out of the ole Cartman playbook with that one..Also congrats on the sex, Kate.
The shock factor alone from seeing Kate Upton tweet this made it hilarious, best thing I've seen on twitter this week hands out.
But tbh she's kind of right....
Who the hell in their right mind would keep Justin Verlander off their ballot entirely? You can make your argument for Porcello all you want but to not give Verlander a spot on your ballot at all is insane. He went 16-9 with a 3.02 ERA (2nd in the AL) and lead the AL in strikeouts with 254. Not only that but Verlander had better numbers than Porcello in nearly every pitching stat imaginable.
But Kate Upton wasn't done there, oh not at all.
Now where she loses me is when she says Rick didn't get any first place votes because that's not true. He had 8. But I'll give Kate a pass on that one, she is just pissed off defending her man. Also she dropped a #ByeFelicia which negates any incorrect stats. Those are just the rules of the internet.
And if we're being honest I actually love this move. She's Kate Upton she can say whatever she wants, and she's going all out for her man which is a move a respect the hell out of, not to mention it's hot as hell, What guy doesn't want a smokeshow wife who also will defend the shit out of you? Talk about the American Dream. I usually don't believe celebrity couples actually love each other but that's not the case here. Kate is a down ass chick for her man and if you can't appreciate that then what can you appreciate?
P.S. Look at the bright side guys. This isn't the most embarrassing moment you've had on the internet.
These were the highlights of 2014's "The Fappening" which released a ton of celebrities. Nobody even cared about the fact Kate Upton as naked it was all about how ridiculous this bare ass selfie and Verlander's face were. And this is still possibly the funniest picture of all time. A future HOF pitcher just taking a shirtless selfie in a hotel in dad jeans. NBD.
Double P.S. I can really sympathize with Kate Upton here, because I too know how devastating it can be when your man loses out on an award despite having the most first place votes.
Apparently Today Is #NationalFastFoodDay I'm Here To Get the Debate Started on Best and Worst Fast Food Joints
Keeping up with all the hashtag national __________ days is exhausting so frankly I don't even try. Most of the stupid fake nation days piss me off tbh. Like why do we need every single day to be national something day? I swear people make them up multiple times a year and since they're fake holidays that don't even matter nobody says shit or notices. Cause I'm pretty sure I've seen #nationalsiblingday like at least 5 times in the last 2 years.
Well apparently today National Fast Food Day or as I like to refer to it, Michelle Obama's least favorite day of the year. To me fast-food is weird because what is truly considered fast food? Because there is definitely a difference between "fast-food" and "fast-casual". Like I don't want to lump Mickey D's and Pizza Hut together because to me that's two completely different food genres. To me it's all the shitty unhealthy stuff we see on the sides of highways where a drive-thru is usually involved. I'm talking your standard McDonalds, Burger Kings, Wendy's of the world. It can be non-burger places too but that's how I think of fast-food. After seeing this info graph about the most well known fast-food places from each state I think the term is pretty loose now. Basically just any restaurant you wouldn't take a chick on a first date is fast food. To me fast-food is a place where there's no servers and you don't have to tip.
As a blogger and fat guy I thought with it being #NationalFastFoodDay that this is perfect time to give my two cents on the fast food market. Get the debate going on best and worst fast food places.
I just want to put as a disclaimer to all my loyal DOL readers that the farthest west I've ever traveled is Milwaukee, Wisconsin. What can I say I'm a real Renaissance man? I've never had In and Out. While I trust my friends who have had it's judgment, I've never had the chance to enjoy it so I'm not gonna include it on my list.
Let's start off on a positive note and begin with (IMO)
The Top 5 Worst Fast Food Restaurants.
Honorable Mention: McDonalds
I was torn on including McDonalds because I'm kind of indifferent with them but if I had to make a decision gun to my head I'm putting McDonalds on the lower end of the fast food spectrum.
Sure they are hands down the most successful of all the fast-food chains but I always make the argument with music that just because an artist is successful doesn't necessarily mean they're good. Just a lot of people with shitty taste can support shitty things. I'm looking right at you people who think 21 Pilots are a good band.
The thing with McDonald's is that I almost never want it sober. I'm going to be talking about fast-food a lot in this blog (obviously) but I really don't eat it a ton. Makes you feel like absolute shit and McDonalds is one the top of the list for doing that. Getting McDonalds sober is sort of just like punting on your day altogether. You've given up, maybe you'll do better tomorrow, but probz not.
However after a few drinks or some weed McDonalds starts calling your name. You go from never wanting McDonalds to somehow ordering 4 McChickens. Weird how that works.
So because of the clutchness of drunk McDonalds I cannot justify officially ranking them on the worst fast food lists, also McDonalds breakfast is bomb dot com.
Now let's get officially start!
5. Moe's Southwest Grill
I am a Chipotle guy to the death of me. However in relation to where I live there is a Moe's much more closer so I've been forced to settle for mediocrity a few times and go there.
Every single time I've eaten there I soon came to regret it. The quality of ingredients is just not there. Sure, Chipotle may give you food poisoning, but at least it tastes good.
It's always messy AF inside. They have horrible rice and beans. Like worse than shit you can buy for 59 cents at Stop & Shop. Plus the fact that you can't just say "I'd like a chicken/steak/whatever burrito" and instead it's called a "Joey Bag of Donuts" is the most try hard move of all time. Also as a guy who could very easily be described as "social awkward' I don't need the whole over forced "WELCOME TO MOE'S" like I don't even want to be here can we just finish this future mistake already?
The one thing they have going for them is that chips are included with whatever you buy and that they have cookies but other than that I do not like Moe's at all. If you are a Mexican food person and prefer Moe's over the competition you must be taking crazy pills.
4. Taco Bell
Now this pains me to say because I've been known to enjoy Taco Bell a time or two but I'm going to show my range and unbiased opinion: Taco Bell is garbage.
I'm pretty sure they got in trouble a few years ago for using "questionable" meats. I'm talking like horse and shit like that. I may be wrong but I don't think I am and I'm not going to fact check because even if there is no news on it I guarantee you they do some shady shit like that. It's fucking Taco Bell.
Taco Bell always sounds like a great idea at the time. Yeah man let's get some Taco Bell! Then you finish it and feel like you just committed a hate crime against yourself. Then 4 minutes later when you're doing your best Jackson Pollock impression on a toilet bowl you really know you made a bad decision.
Love me a Cheesy-Gordita Crunch though
3. Five Guys Burgers and Fries
Now look, I think Five Guys is alright, I'd have it other a lot of other places, but people act like it is the second coming. It's not, and the fact that it is so vastly overrated lands it a spot on my Top 5 WORST fast-food joints.
First off after eating Five Guys I feel like I could have a heart attack at any minute. Granted I kinda always feel like that, but eating Five Guys sure doesn't help the situation. You could go in with perfect cholesterol and leave in an ambulance. I remember when I first had it in Florida when I was like 16 I thought it was one of the best burgers I've ever had. Then I grew up. It's the greasiest burger you'll ever get and not in a good way. Not a horrible burger but for the price you pay (a little over priced for the quality IMO) I'd rather just go to a real sit down place and get a much higher quality burger for like $3 more.
Oh and enough with the peanuts, we aren't at a fucking baseball game.
2. White Castle
I've had White Castle once and I'll never have it again. One of the lowest quality things I've ever eaten in my entire life. The first time I had ever heard about White Castle was like how most people did, from the movie Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle. Decent movie, pretty funny from what I can remember.
HOWEVERRRRR the plot of the film has a major hole and that is where two people risk literally everything for what is quite possibly the worst burgers money can buy. I don't care how high you are dude there's way better options out there. How about ordering pizza like every other stoner has for the last 50 years? I'm all set with eating burgers that look like they are auditioning to be floppy discs (remember those?!?) There's a reason they sell them for like 10 for $2, it's because they're garbage.
Nothing screams "I have poor people taste" quite like a Subway sandwich. I have zero respect for people who eat Subway. It has nothing to do with the Jared shit, no I'm judging you because you waste money on quite possibly the worst sandwich of all time. There are gas stations with better sandwiches than Subway.
Subway is poor people taste straight up. There are sooooo many better options around no matter where you are in this country. No funny spin on it-Subway is just trash end of story.
I haven't eaten Subway in years and Godwilling will never eat it again. Have you noticed how there are a ton of Subways inside gas stations? That's no accident it's because a Subway sandwich is like a half step above a truckstop grinder. Their bread is all they have going from them but the bread should not be the highlight of the sandwich. The inside should be and that is where Subway falls way short. They give you basically no meat and the meat that they do give you is gross. Slimey turkey that was cut with a laser in a factory two weeks ago....Eat Fresh!
Again, much like Moe's their one saving grace is their cookies. Subway has pretty good cookies. However being good at that isn't that big of a deal or that hard. Cookies are a lot like sex or pizza. Even when it sucks it's still pretty good.
Okay now that all the negativity is out of my system let's talk about the best.
Top 5 Best Fast Food Restaurants
5. Auntie Anne's
I wouldn't consider Auntie Anne's traditional fast-food but they were on that info graph so I figured, what the hell they deserve a spot here after all they've done.
Flying is the worst. I hate airports and waiting for my flight. One thing that always makes the airport experience a tiny bit better is a cinnamon sugar pretzel from Auntie Anne's. Although, recently I've made the switch to the pretzel sticks/nuggets. It's a real veteran move, a lot less messy and much easier to eat on the go. Plus I feel like you get more food that way. May be totally wrong but it seems that way.
I'm pretty sure Auntie Anne's only exist at airports and malls. That's okay though because if they were more readily available I'd probably eat them multiple times a week which not be good for ole dozo and his waistline.
Nice treat for the 1-2 times I fly a year/every single time I go to the mall.
Wendy's is not the best burger but it overall consistent AF. You always know what you're gonna get at Wendy's which is exactly what you want from fast-food. They have a wayyyyyy better selection than McDonald's or Burger King which puts them ahead for me. Love all the spicy chicken options they have. I like a little kick. I'm not a big soda guy but the fact that they have the crazy soda machine is also an added bonus for the Wendy's over BK and McDonalds argument.
Frostys alone earn Wendy's a spot in the top 5.
And yes, I do dip fries in my Frosty.
I know my friends at Chipotle have had a lot of bad press the last year or so but I am about as loyal to Chipotle as I would be the future Mrs. Dozo which is extremely. I'll walk through the gates of hell defending the good name of Chipotle. If God Forbid I was to get food poisoning or something even worse from Chipotle (like death) I'd be okay with it because at least I'd die doing what I love and I love eating chipotle burritos (and also bowls, actually have become more of a bowl guy since I lost 100 lbs)
Power move of your life is to get a bowl with a burrito shell, mix it all yourself and then make your own burrito. I've never done that but that doesn't take away from the fact that it is a power move.
Chipotle serves beer too which not many fast-food/fast-casual places can claim. Sure they charge extra for gauc but idc about that because I'm not a gauc guy.
For the price you pay you get a ton of food and it tastes good. Plus they always have good alt-rock playing and for ole dozo that is a nice added bonus. Big music guy. I like to listen to good shit when I'm eating Chipotle alone like Steven Glansburg.
Only reason I don't have Chipotle higher is because I don't consider it a true fast-food place in the traditional sense of the term.
2. D' Angelo
In the chain sandwich game D'Angelo is my personal favorite. I just recently got really into it. I mean I've been eating it my whole life but I've been on a big D' Angelo kick in recent months. Love that Thanksgiving sandwich.
I've had better sandwiches at some small random local shops but for a chain I'm going D'Angelo over Subway 100 out of a 100 times. Jimmy Johns is okay too but I've had it literally twice and couldn't even tell you what I had.
What separates D'Angelo from the competition is the variety of top notch sandwiches they have. There's like 18 different things I'd get from there which cannot be said about a lot of other fast-food(ish) places.
D'Angelo steak and cheese & Thanksgiving sandwiches are two of the best relatively cheap lunches around.
Not a lobster roll guy but I know they sell a ton of those, and for good reason. Can't go wrong with D'Angelo.
Is Hardee's the best fast food? No but it is the worst fast-food for you and they have no shame in admitting it and for that very reason they gain the #1 spot on my list. It's kind of like personality season but for food. Sure there may be more attractive options out there but sometimes looks aren't everything and you need a little more substance or in this case, gluttony.
If you've never had Hardees then good for you, and congrats because you're probably going to outlive me by at least 20 years.
If you have then you probably know what it's like to gain 5 pounds after one meal.
Hardees is my favorite fast-food place because they don't try to lie to you. They know who they are which is something we need more of in this country. People accepting the fact that maybe they aren't perfect. We can't all be superheroes. Places like McDonalds will add new "healthier" options to try to look like they're progressing when in reality it's still fucking McDonalds and is awful for you.
Hardee's on the other hand doubles down on being horrible for you. They embrace that they are in the business of keeping rascal scooters and insulin pumps in business and for that I love them. They used to have a burger called the "Monster Thickburger" just think about that for a second, that is something they used to sell. I had like1700 calories too which is what fast-food is truly all about. Being a piece of shit.
So there it is the dozonlife #NationalFastFoodDay blog. What did you think? What are some of your favorite and least favorite fast-food establishments? Be sure to comment and talk shit!
Software engineer @mikepence is sick of being confused as the pro electroshock-therapy guy we have as 2nd in command for this country. Apparently he's been getting shit on twitter since June when it was announced that Trump had picked him as his running mate but last night was a banner night for this Pence which I'll get to shortly. After reading more about Mike Pence I'm all in for hating this guy. Anybody who believes in gay conversion therapy needs to go back into the cave that live in because that is some prehistoric shit.
Well last night (the cool) Mike Pence dropped the ultimate Office Space reference to all people who asked the simple question "if you don't like it why don't you go by something else?"
Absolutely perfect. I don't think there has been a movie reference more fitting in the history of movies or references. Although tbh I think over 16 years later we can admit that Michael Bolton doesn't suck. Anybody who can collaborate with The Lonely Island is cool in my book. (Very timely reference to a song that is 5 years old there by me, nbd)
P.S. I wouldn't be doing my job as future ELITE blogger if I didn't include this
Double P.S. (2nd of the day)
Office Space is such a great movie with a million great quotes but the opening scene with Michael Bolton rapping may be the funniest part of the movie. Probably couldn't get away with this in 20PC
A very rare TRIPLE P.S.
This dude has been on twitter since April of 2007? That is insane to me. I feel like twitter didn't get huge until 2011ish. Not to brag but my friends and I were on twitter in early 2009 and even then we were early to the party. We only did it too because it was the only social media sight the wasn't blocked in school and we basically just used to message back and forth during class instead of working on our senior projects.
Unreal. Tommy Terrific does it again.
I feel late to the party blogging this a few hours after it was released but ole dozo was a little busy wearing his teacher pants earlier.
Now I'm home and those teacher pants are off and bunched up on my floor. Now can give my basic take that all Patriot fans who saw thing are thinking.
But in all seriousness that was an awesome commercial. I don't really shop at foot locker because I'm not 17 years old but they have my support forever now.
Deflategate was exhausting for nearly two years and now it is officially behind us. If Tom can laugh about it then I think we all can too. I don't need to get into how it was a witch-hunt, how the Patriots are hated for being the most successful organization in sports this millennium, how the league was out to get Tom Brady and that Roger Goodell is the worst human alive. There's no need for me to say that because you already know so I'm not going to say that. We can move past all those facts.
What I will say is that this ad was perfect. It had everything; humor (Tom Brady), sex appeal (Tom Brady), and diversity (black kid who isn't Tom Brady). Just made a great ad for #WeekofGreatness. How fitting that the greatest QB of all time was a part of it. I want to give Brady credit for being a good actor but I think that was 100% genuine, that's how he truly feels. He was acting the same way that Vince Vaughn acts. Oh look, another movie where he's a guy from Chicago who's down on his luck. Oh what range.
But Brady's greatness has always been questioned. From when he wasn't heavily recruited to when he was the 7th string QB at Michigan, to when he was a 6th round draft pick, to when people believed the insanity that taking a little air out of the ball is why he's the greatest quarterback/human to ever walk this green planet. When there wasn't even evidence that anything happened. Sometimes you're just the best and nobody knows that better than Thomas Edward Patrick Brady, Jr.
P.S. My only complaint is that Tom Brady was eating at a diner. The Idea of Tom Brady eating at a diner is insane. He hasn't even anything that tastes good in 10 years. Tom Brady eats nothing but himalayan pink salt, avocado ice cream and the tears of his opponents. Everybody knows that.
Double P.S. There's about 10 middle school boys at the school I'm subbing at right now who are named Brady. The fact they all were born in 2002 (months after the Patriots won their 1st Super Bowl) is awesome, lots of joy related births. Man I love New England.
Song: New Person, Same Old Mistakes (Live @ Lollapalooza)
Artist: Tame Impala