Checking In After 300+ Days of #everydaydoz

When #everydaydoz organically began on April 4th, upon realizing I had gone to the gym every day in April, I never thought I'd be here now (Oasis, 1997) over 300 days later with the streak still intact.

I've debated whether I should write something for the past few days. I did low-key say I would on the Day 300 post, but it's no secret I'm not as active on the keys as I once was.

It does feel good to be blogging again. Despite my inactivity, I miss it, but I also am like, "What's the fucking point?" let's call it... 53% of the time?

My priorities have also drastically shifted like Big Papi's at bat. Writing for my Barstool is no longer the only thing I'm chasing in life. I don't even follow them anymore, but that goal is why DOL started in the first place. So why share now? Am I finally folding?  Was I ever even funny? I'm 33 and a real teacher without the emotional battery to write anymore (at least rn). Work is chaotic. The last two weeks have been an authoritarian circus. Time is a finite resource and  between making exercise a priority and 2-4 HR depression naps, I simply chose mindless activities (putting up dumb numbies vs. the computer in Madden in my franchise mode while watching/listening to something on my laptop) in my free time over putting in the emotional energy it takes for me to write something I'm proud of. There's nothing left in my cup. Sure, #everydaydoz stories get a few likes here or there, but does anybody care about me or what I say? Do I even care at this point? My internal voice is beating the shit out of me rn as I dance around, finding an elegant way to say that it feels like everything around me feels is falling apart and that this is pointless. Sorry for being more nihilistic than usual. I promise this blog's vibe will turn around.

It may not be fair to say because there are people in my life, but I feel so alone and unwanted. Part of that is surely my fucked up self-view, but I don't think I'm truly satisfied with the state of a single relationship in my life. I know I'm not blameless, and I've been working on myself...ya boi's been putting in the work both physically and emotionally, but despite multiple pills, anxiety can get the best of me (The Starting Line, 2003). I'm afraid to reach out to people I know love me. I hate how much fear dictates my life. Things would be soooo much chiller if I could be less afraid. I mean, look where it's gotten me. I've missed out on so much from being scared. My fear of rejection is rejecting me from living the life I want. I just want things to be better for everybody and fucking hate how much evil is prevailing right now, so excuse me if I feel a little weird writing this. It's like, why am I writing a blog about the fact that I've exercised for the last 305 days when the world is on fire and Nazi stock is thriving?

It's because, deep down, I still hope to use my voice to teach, entertain, and inform. What is life without hope? If I inspire someone to better themselves, that's wonderful. Whatever you're battling, you are more capable than you give yourself credit for. Despite how shitty things may seem way too much of the time, I've kept going. 305 days and counting. You can too (in whatever way you may need rn). I hate phrasing it this way because it's so much more complex, but I wish I was "stronger" and made more thoughtful, healthier food choices. Unfortunately, at times, I can't control it. Food is an addiction that you can't just get sober with. What I can control is how active I am. Now, at the very least, if I end up emo-eating a sleeve of Ritz crackers at 3 am, it's after a day that I broke a sweat and did something "productive." That's undoubtedly better than emo-eating a sleeve of Ritz crackers at 3 am after not exercising!

Soooo much has happened over these past 305 days (I'll spare you), and don't get me wrong, it is kinda wild to look back and see there wasn't a single day I let stop me, but I'm no longer really phased by it. I'm numb to the number. I just want to be healthy and happy. This bit is more like the string tying my mess of a life (that's actually improving a ton; I'm just super hard on myself and more so terrified of the state of things) together. I need this. It's how I keep myself accountable. "Can't let the haters win" and other cringe shit like that, ya know?  

Even if my results aren't where they should be with the work I've put in, this has been a great thing for me. My weight got out of control. In 2022, I was 426 pounds, and TBH, I was probably heavier; it just wasn't officially documented. This is me doing something about it. No more passive sui through food. There's nothing wrong with rest, but I don't want to. I am nowhere near where I want to be physically, and despite how it doesn't always feel that way.... every day is precious. I've wasted so much life and don't wanna waste anymore. No matter how bad a day is, I can move forward at least a little. That's what #everydaydoz means to me.

I know eventually, I'll have to take a day off. I can't work out every day for the rest of my life; things come up, but I have to get to 365. That's been my goal for the last hundred days or so. Initially, it was all of April, then I thought about 58, then it was 100, now I wanna get to a year. 

I'm approaching 1000 rambling words, so I'll wrap this up with the most important thing: connection. After the getting slightly less fat part, that's the best parts of this bit. It's helped me feel closer to people. I hate caring about social media so much, but when you're a tad undiagnosed autistic with self-esteem and abandonment issues, you need something tangible to show you that people like you or even care if you're alive. I love it when moms of friends send me clapping emojis. I can always count on a like from Scar. Those likes tell you they saw this and didn't just click through. Words of encouragement fuel me for those days I wanna say "fuck it, what's the point?" and quit existing. I want to share the love that I've received with others. We could all use more love and good vibes in our lives rn. I'm sure I've alienated people with my wOkEnEsS but IDC. I'd rather be alone with conscious than not have a conscious. I'll never apologize for wanting people to not get exploited by the ruling class and believing that something better is possible for all of us. It blows my mind that that's controversial. Thanks for reading and even if we haven't spoken in a while I've got nothing but love for you.