Dozie's Brain Dump: December 1st, 2024

Previous Dozie's Brain Dumps:
April 24th, 2023
July 10th, 2023
August 9th, 2023
October 10th, 2023
February 29th, 2024
March 11th, 2024 
April 10th, 2024
May 1st, 2024
Halloween 2024

As my much-needed five-day reprieve from work approaches it end, I lay on my bed with SNF on mute in the background, freshly showered, feeling like I owe it to myself and the people to write after claiming there was a 51% chance I would in my latest #everydaydoz post.

The time away from school/work was solidly enjoyable despite my anguish with myself lolol. I caught up on sleep, ate wayyyy too much cornbread, bro'd out a lil bit, and watched MY Rhody Rams win their first D-1AA playoff game in nearly 40 years, but I still feel awful.

Of course, there's the obvious. I was dumb enough to believe that the majority of Americans would do the right thing and not elect a convicted felon (34 times over) who's been not-so-subtly soft-launching fascism. Like, fuck me for actually getting my hopes up and wanting what's best for everybody, not just the ruling class. Apparently, attempted coups are not a deal breaker in every swing state, but that's not why I'm here. I didn't want to write this blog to bitch about how fucking stupid our country is (by design) and how terrified I am for the future. Yes, the after-effects of a surely on the up and up election with NO oligarchical (both home and abroad) interference certainly impacts my daily state of mind, but that's not why Dozie's here.

Things seem to be going well in my personal life. I got a promotion and am no longer a long-term sub. Your boi is just a straight-up history teacher. It's far from an ideal situation, but I am doing all I can to make the best of it and try to positively impact my students' lives. I also got into a car accident (that was not my fault) going back to work as a straight-up history teacher after lunch a couple of weeks ago, and I should be getting a nice little settlement. Hashtag blessing in disguise...still, I'm the furthest thing from at peace.

I've got about an hour before I start my wind-down process, and I have written about 8 blogs since May...why the fuck am I here? It's because I miss writing (especially "real" blogs..hopefully, I'll drop a non-brain dump soon). I have to get this shit out of my system, or I'm gonna explode. Idc who sees it (that's not true); I just have to let my brain dump without structured thoughts. Even if I no longer view my life as a failure if I never write for Barstool (which is a great and healthy thing), writing is still essential to who I am. I love writing. I should've been writing more this year, but I've been emotionally and physically exhausted and couldn't "work" during my free time. That was reserved for sleeping and playing 45+ seasons of Madden franchises to avoid facing reality. I keep thinking that maaaybe if I finally wrote something that broke through and convinced people to follow the path I have of realizing how fucked up (by design) everything is and that people actually have power if we come together (I know I'm really getting my run-on sentence swag going on rn, but bear with me...I've written like 8 blogs since May) then maybe things would be different.

Then I think about how fucking egotistical it is (which is funny to me because most of the time I have absolutely no confidence in anything I do) that I could've made a difference, but Jeez, that's all I fucking want to do with my life, and it feels like I'm not. I can hear my therapist's voice telling me that's not true, but it doesn't change that I'm losing hope and man, do I fucking hate myself more than usual for being such a fucking scared little boy. I ate my feelings way too much this weekend because I'm afraid to go after it and truly live the life I want. I'm so fucking scared of getting hurt. Idk how much more hurt I can take in this life. I'm not even 33 for two more weeks, but I am worn down with life and I've had a privileged-ass life. IDK how others do it. How am I supposed to do this for another 40 years? I've done what I can to adapt. I've accepted that I'm not a priority in people's lives anymore. Fuck, maybe I never was, and it just took me this long to see it, but when the hell am I gonna be enough? I just want to be enough for people, and I have done soooo much to improve myself, but it's not enough. I really feel like I shouldn't post this now, but I've spent so much time writing I feel like I have to...idk. Man, I need to reassess the future of DOL and what I want to do creatively while navigating alone in a dying empire in late-stage capitalism. There's one person I wanted to reach out to all five-day weekend but never worked up the courage. I'm so torn on what to do and really don't wanna even bring her up on DOL out of respect for her, so I'm gonna stop but fuckkkkkk, has this been weighing on me, which is ironic because it's also what high key motivates me to keep going with #everydaydoz. I know I'm enough, but my brain loves to tell me otherwise. Fortunately, we don't have the time to go into that tonight.

Oh, and Barmore just held soooo fucking hard on the Colts' two-point conversion attempt; that was some bull shit.

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by PRZ (@patriotsredzone)

I guess it's fiiiine because of draft position, but it was still ass to lose like that. I'm sorry if this blog was ass. I've only written like 8 since May.