Dozie's Brain Dump: June 17th, 2025

Previous Dozie's Brain Dumps:
April 24th, 2023
July 10th, 2023
August 9th, 2023
October 10th, 2023
February 29th, 2024
March 11th, 2024 
April 10th, 2024
May 1st, 2024
Halloween 2024
December 1st, 2024

For the longest time, I'd stress myself out to no end over how many people did (or didn't) read my blogs, and as I return for the first time in over 2.5 months, I'm happy to say I genuinely don't care how many views I get. I just gotta get some shit off my chest for the sake of my brain and, I suppose, DOL, so here we goooo!

It's a DBD (Dozie's Brain Dump), so I'm going to jump around (and please be. fucking. chill. about flow and structure).

I think the best place to start at is mentioning that my therapist, who I had been with for over five years, left her practice, so I haven't had that outlet. I also deleted my Twitter at the beginning of the year because fuck Elon Musk. So now I share about a dozen stories a day on my personal IG to fill my need to share and attempt to connect/inform void.

Blogging was such a significant part of my identity and what I was chasing in life for nearly a decade. I held off on becoming a full-time teacher (not just a long-term sub) for years, mainly to chase my writing dreams (though there is undoubtedly more to it than that). This year, I finally bit the bullet and am about to wrap up my first year as a Social Studies teacher at just 33 years old! I don't wanna jinx it (even though everybody knows I don't believe in them), but I survived. I'm at a behavioral school, so it has not been easy, Work takes a lot out of me mentally and emotionally. Combine that with the state of the country and going to the gym every day...I haven't had the necessary emotional bandwidth to create at a level I'm proud of.

It sucks, but as my potentially former therapist (I'm still waiting to find out her next move) taught me....you can't pour from an empty cup, and my cup has been empty for a looooooong fucking time, man. I can't comprehend how GOOD people are happy rn. Even this far into the blog, I'm like, okay, that was bull shit earlier, Doz. You soooo care about readers. You want to connect and engage. Yes, this is therapeutic, but you haven't written because you feel like the world has passed you by...that your friends have abandoned you when you need them most... everybody is moving on. That you don't matter. I'm no incel, I don't blame women for that, but I sure am one of the poster children of the "male loneliness epidemic." I spend a gross amount of time alone. Even when I'm with people. Like last Friday, I actually went out with a bunch of co-workers after graduation and it was awesome...but there were 9 people and way to often there would be four pairs chatting and me just there like a bump on a log with fantastic fucking hair.

My fears of rejection have paralyzed me when it comes to making a move in attempts to reconnect and as the country continues to aggressively flirt with fascism, I get so upset with myself for being such a coward, but I'm trying to survive. Not just survive, but better myself. Today was day 443 of #everydaydoz, and I beat myself up for not being strong enough to resist my food and drink cravings, but I compared my picture from today to the start of EDD, and there is fosho some progress. ​

I'm worried about how I'll react to (more) bad news and fuck up the little bit of progress I've made. Beliebe me, I hate that that's my mindset and I am actively trying to change it, but it's brain dump, baby. I'm feeling wicked vulnerable right now (and also always), and I miss many people; I hate how things are currently....so it's like fucking do something, RYAN. Yet here I am, just blabbering into the abyss...but remember, I haven't had therapy in almost three months, so there's gonna be some fucking blabbering, lol. 

I used to talk to Liberty about this shit like I get it. I'm getting older, and this is part of life, blah, blah, blah, but like, jeez, man, it fucking sucks. Do all these people no longer care about me?

This whole Rafael Devers trade has me thinking back about how badly the Sox fucked up with Mookie and how that has impacted this decade of my life. It's nut it's been five years since then, but I don't think it's fair to put these trades in the same category. Although I no longer follow baseball as closely as I used to, I can sort of understand why the Red Sox did it. Of course, they're trashing Raffy on his way out, as they do with all former players and coaches, but the whole unwillingness to play 1B when you're making over 300 million is a bad look. It's so sad nobody is left from 2018. It's just so fucking infuriating that they traded Mookie Betts, and as much as I wanna care about the Red Sox again. I miss a lot of it, especially having that to talk to people about and the feels of going to a game, but I can't love this team like I used to. It's like a partner cheating on you, and you want to forgive them, but you can't. Fuck John Henry forever. 

Okay.... so yeah, I don't really fw Barstool anymore. Between not being on Twitter, aging, and caring less about sports/more about humanity, my priorities have altered. I thought my life was worthless if I didn't achieve that dream. I needed to prove the "haters" wrong. Now that I don't have a clear goal to work towards, I've been way less motivated to write. Instead, I opt for three-hour depression naps after work instead of plugging away on the ole Mac. Now that summer is approaching and I'll hopefully have more downtime, I'd like to start writing again, but my course may change. I've mentioned it before, but I've always wanted to write comedy. I'm talking sketches, stand-up, shows, and movies. I wanna do it all. I also would love to write music. I just caught my guitar out of the corner of my left eye and know I've been neglecting that too for like 26 years, but fr, writing songs that people who are actually talented would be fucking sick.

Seventeen years ago tonight, the 2008 Celtics won it all :)

I guess that's it for this brain dump. I don't even know the point of why I did this other than to get it out of my system, but I have a real blog idea that's been brewing for a minute that I wanna get started.