Halo-Top Ice Cream Has Got To Be Too Good To Be True

Editors Note: It's been wayyyyy too long since Ole Dozo got behind the keyboard. I'm happy to let you know that I am still v much alive, even though my current job may kill me. Not kidding about that. Low key worried some thug kid may come in one day and kill my "fat-cracker ass". People will look back at this Editors Note like my John Lennon moment. (that's such a good fucking reference, look it up if you aren't well-rounded enough to get it). 

Not to make excuses, because if there's one thing I'm not it's an excuse guy, buuuuuuutt, I simply haven't had the time nor energy to write as much as I'd like lately. Let me tell you, teaching when you don't know how to be a teacher is not easy! When you mix in the lack of television access that I currently have a guest in my uncle's house I've just been out of touch with reality lately. Teaching and preparing for teaching has consumed no less than 93% of my time since I got down here. That includes sleep. I get maybe 3 hours a night because I'm so stressed from this hell-hole that is technically considered a school, but that's for another blog. All I know from the limited tv I've watched recently is that Hurricanes and hurricane relief is hotter in the streets than those hideous squiggly line eyebrows on IG and that I fucking hate Tucker Carlson.

​But I'm having kids do a make-up test tomorrow so I have some time to kill, and figured what the hell. Let's do a blog or two to see if I still got it. (Obviously I do, I'm fucking hilarious, Dave [Portnoy] if you're reading this I can start tomorrow.)

"If it tastes good, it probably isn't good for you" is a line I've been told my entire life. While plenty of people eat salads, if they tell you that they enjoy them they're a bigger liar than Fletcher Reede. That's why salad dressing is a thing. You don't love salad, you love ranch. While pizza, burritos and cheeseburgers are what I imagine Heaven tastes like, eating exclusively pizza, burritos and burgers is a great way to make sure you end up in Heaven earlier than expected. 

As a man with well-documented weight issues, I know how temptation can be a bigger bitch than Karen Filippelli and sometimes you just give in. I mean look at me, in the last like 18 months I gained, lost, and gained back about 439 pounds, so I get, food is awesome. (Sometimes  when the random thought about dying crosses my head I get extra sad because it means I won't be able to eat anymore)

I try to be smart (when I can/feel like it) with calorie intake. Listed calories on restaurant boards have made me way less likely to get fast food. Doesn't stop me entirely, but it sure does a great job of making me feel like an even bigger piece of shit for eating Sonic. There's other obvious things you can to not be a complete piece of shit food-wise. Like we know you can't eat a pint of regular ice cream every night, I know you can't eat a pint of regular ice cream every night. Well, I mean you can but you'll end up looking like this:

​

Which leads me to the topic of Halo Top Ice Cream.

It has taken the guilt out of eating a pint of ice cream. Before eating a pint of ice cream was reserved for drowning in your sorrows after a horrible day. It was also a way to say, "I'm giving up on today being a healthy day". There's no way you can bounce back from a casual 1200 calorie snack. But now, you could theoretically eat a pint of ice cream and still have a healthy calorie level  day.

It just doesn't make sense to me, like space travel or women. I'm fucking on to you, Halo Top.

While I know it's not "healthy". Something has to be up with this stuff. Pints of ice cream that are under 400 calories that actually taste pretty fucking good cannot exist without some sort of negative repercussion. 95% of the time food is either low calorie, or tastes good. The two are basically mutually exclusive.  Like a plain grilled chicken sandwich is close to 400 calories, but you're gonna tell me a pint of vanilla ice cream that all things considered, tastes p good is only 280?

It just doesn't compute.

I might not be the smartest guy alive, but I do know this isn't going to end well. I know when something is too good to be true, it usually is. Every time I eat Halo Top I really am just accepting the fact that this will probably make me go blind, give me some sort of strange cancer in 30 years or make me grow a fucking tail.

So what's the deal? Does Halo Top give you cancer or something? How is a pint of vanilla ice cream that tastes bomb dot com 240 calories?

— Ryan #hiredozo (@rhodydoz) August 25, 2017

I can still remember the first time this beautiful product was brought to my attention. I saw an ad on Instagram in late July when I still was back the Ocean State and like Jack Buck after Kirk Gibson's pinch-hit walk-off home run in the 1988 World Series, I can't believe what I just saw! A pint of peanut butter ice cream that is only 320 calories, as opposed to normal 1320. I mean when you show me something like that, you're basically stealing from me, because you're getting money from me whether I want to give it to you or not. Immediately looked up where I could find Halo Top. because that is part of growing up, you google where you can buy something instead of just taking your chances like some jamoke. Luckily for me CVS carried them, so I went to CVS that night. 

I was kind of put-off by how it was like 7 bucks for a pint of ice cream, I mean let's not forget back then I was a lowly pizza man. I had to think twice about dropping $7 for some ice cream. But I figured that's the premium you gotta pay for such a product, and I swear this blog isn't a paid ad, but it was wellll worth the price. At the local Wal-mart down the street from me in TN it's only $3.88 a pint which is a fucking problemmmmm for your boy. 

Now I'm not going to sit here and act like Halo Top is as good as normal ice cream, because it's not. Nothing will beat normal ice cream, but I'll tell you what, depending on the flavor, if you let Halo Top melt for like 12 minutes, it tastes pretty damn close to the real thing. I'd say if Brickley's ice cream is a 9/10 Halo Top is probably a soft 7. While I have looked at the nutritional facts and realized it has about half of the daily recommended cholesterol for a day, that doesn't really deter me, and is isn't necessarily the too good to be true part that will eventually kill us all.  I mean after all, isn't there a good cholesterol? Who's to say they aren't talking about that? All I know is that this Halo Top craze isn't going to end well for me and everybody else who is hooked on this stuff. Either the creator of it is a diddler and we're just funding his Neverland Ranch like estate or is gives you cancer. There's no way someone just invented low calorie ice cream that doesn't suck. 



P.S.  quick power rankings of Halo Top flavors (have only tried about 5)

3. Vanilla Bean (240 calories)
2. Birthday Cake (280 calories)
1. Cookies and Cream (320 calories)