The Stanley Cup playoffs begin tonight. 16 teams fighting for a chance at the greatest trophy in all of sports. Despite not paying much attention to the NHL this year, I do consider myself a hockey fan. It's a great sport to watch, and playoff hockey is exciting AF. I even used to lace up the ole skates back in the day.
There's nothing like a Stanley Cup run. The Bruins 2011 and 2013 cup runs are some of my favorite memories in sports. (Even though 2013 ended horribly) Bruins-Maple Leafs game 7 was one of the best comebacks I've ever witnessed in any sport. I was really into the Bruins growing up, I had a Sergei Samson poster as kid and until like my (second) senior year of college was a pretty big fan. However the way the front office ruined their young core really pissed me off. First with the Sequin trade, they with Dougie Hamilton the next year. It frustrated me as a fan. I've tried to get back into it this year and am going to do my best to watch as much playoff hockey as I can but hockey is definitely a distant 4th for me in favorite pro sports.
So with the playoffs beginning tonight it's time to throw out your razor and of course give some picks. I'd say without a doubt this year is the least I've paid attention to the NHL as a whole since I started caring about hockey. But that doesn't matter, I can still give my opinion and predictions. I can guarantee that I am going to be 93.75% right with my predictions, which is something not many analysts can guarantee. That's just the difference you get here at DOL. Sure I had to look up the teams that made the playoffs beforehand, because I didn't know who made it, but that doesn't matter. I can still tell you why they won't win the Stanley Cup. I'm a big narrative guy, as I've said in the past and I believe that alone will make these picks worth your wild. So without further ado, here is why each team in the playoffs will not win the Stanley Cup.
Columbus Blue Jackets
Could I name a single player on this roster?
But I do know this. There are some franchises in sports that are such a joke you'll never have to worry about them winning a championship. Ironically, most of them are located in Ohio. People forget that the Columbus Blue Jackets are Ohio's NHL team. Ohio just had the Cavs win, do you really think that they're gonna get a second championship this quickly? Plus they are playing the defending Stanley Cups champs, not to get too analytical here, but that seems like a tough match-up. Don't see the BJs winning the Cup in 2017.
No NHL team has won back-to-back Stanley Cups since the Red Wings in the mid-early-late 90's. (1996-1997 and 1997-1998) They say this is the hardest trophy to win back-to-back, and since I always listen to they I'm going to say the Penguins do not change that streak this year. Plus even though what I'm about to say makes zero sense since he's won two Stanley Cups already, I feel like it's still kind of true. Sidney Crosby kind of lays an egg in the playoffs sometimes... He did get swept by the Bruins in 2013. I mean he went 7 years without winning. So yeah, Penguins aren't going back to back.
Toronto Maple Leafs
Toronto Maple Leafs haven't won a Stanley Cup since 1967. Even though this last sports year we saw the Cubs and Cavaliers end long title droughts I do not see it caring over to hockey. Although they do have a great coach in Mike Babcock (you're surprised I knew that I bet) they are V young and inexperienced. Plus Toronto sports are a joke. Even though the Blue Jays technically have won two World Series in my lifetime, I was so young and unaware (remember you aren't really alive until you're 5) it doesn't actually count. In my world Toronto sports do not win championships. Babcock may end the Cup drought someday, but that day isn't coming this year.
The Washington Capitals are the mid 2000's San Diego Chargers. All time great talent that just doesn't get the job done in the playoffs. Except unlike the Chargers whose legit Super Bowl window was about 5 years, the Capitals have seemingly been winning President's Trophy's and losing in the 1st or 2nd round every year since the dawn of man. What came first the chicken or the egg or the Caps losing to an 8 seed?
I know everybody has been saying this is really the Caps year, but I won't believe that until they are having their Stanley Cup champs parade. The Caps are the boy who cried wolf come playoff time and until they at least make Cup I am not going to buy in. Stop me if you've heard this before but it's going to be another year of sports disappointment in the Nation's capital. Hey at least you have the Nationals who you can pencil in for a 5 game loss in the NLDS.
Do they even have Senators in Canada?
All I know is that the Capitals play in the capital of the United States and never win the Cup. So by using basic transitive property the team playing in Canada's capital will never win the Cup either.
The Bruins fired Claude Julien during the Patriots Super Bowl Parade. That is one of the biggest pussy moves in sports history. I'm not a huge Claude guy but to try to hide the story during that day is just a bitch move, straight up. It rubbed a lot of people the wrong way. I don't believe in karma but if I did I'd say that is bad karma that will come back to bite them in the playoffs.
I don't have to be actively following hockey to still hate the Canadiens. Fuck the Habs. Rangers in 4.
New York Rangers
The Edmonton Oilers are actually one of the brighter surprises of the NHL season so I think I've been told. They haven't made the playoffs since the 05-06 season when they lost the 7th game of the Stanley Cup Finals to the Carolina Hurricanes. But since it's not the 1980's anymore, I feel like the Oilers are not a legit Cup threat. I could be totally wrong, again I've watched about 4 hours of hockey all season, and not a single second of the Oilers, but I'm pretty confident here. No cup in Edmonton.
San Jose Sharks
Even though they were in the Stanley Cup Final last season I still feel like a team like the San Jose Sharks just based on their location and mascot will ever be the champion at the end of the season. Like the Colorado Rockies are never going to win a World Series. I'd bet my life on that. It's like that here in San Jose too. Even though they've been around for like 25 years to me they're still an expansion team, and I never pick expansion teams in any sport to win it all. Sharks end up drowning and do not hoist the Cup.
Ever since Oregon beat URI in the NCAA tournament I am officially anti anything Duck. That doesn't matter here, but at the same time, it totally does. I just even without watching a second of them this season cannot envision the Anaheim Ducks winning the Stanley Cup in 2017. Maybe if they brought back their orginial uniforms...
No Canadian team has won the Stanley Cup since 1993. Do you really think the Calgary Flames are going to be the team that brings the Cup back to America's Hat?
I know they're one of the favorites to win the Cup, but again, it's Minnesota. When's the last time Minnesota won ANYTHING?
No Minnesota championships since 1991. As a narrative guy, it continues in 2017.
They do have one of the coolest logos in sports though. Can always hang your hat on that.
St. Louis Blues
The Blues are kind of like the Western Conference Washington Capitals. Always a ton of hype and talents. Always losing in the 2nd round in 7 games. No but Cups.
At least you have Jon Hamm as a fan. That's pretty cool. Nobody else can say that.
I do like how they have PK Subban. He's awesome, and now that he's not a Canadien I can root for him. But again, let's use our brains for a second.
This is a hockey team playing in Nashville, Tennessee. Do you really think Nashville, Tennessee will ever be home to the Stanley Cup champions?
P.S. the fact that they're in the Western conference makes me so irrationally angry. Does geography not matter when putting teams in geography based conferences? Until they are placed in the East where they belong I believe the Predators will be cursed and never win the Cup.
They are like the New England Patriots or San Antonio Spurs of hockey. They just win championships. Even when you don't expect it. You know what, I can't even shit on the Blackhawks. I have the utmost respect for that organization. They probably will end up winning the Cup just because they didn't last year. But just to keep it going, the Blackhawks will not win the Stanley Cup because Patrick Kane might of raped someone in Buffalo. People forget that.
There it is. Why every team will not win the Stanley Cup. You might think this blog sucks, but guess what. I'm right, 15-16 won't win the Cup. So in a way, I did do a good job. Who do you think will hoist Lord Stanley's Cup? Let me know in the comment below!