As a fellow fat guy, I know the struggle there is in trying to maintain a decent, less-disgusting weight. I have probably lost and gained 1000 total pounds in my life (as of 2016). A lot of us fatties know we'll never weigh 185, but if you can get to a weight where an attractive woman may actually consider giving you the time of day and you don't have diabetes then you can live with that.
One guy in Hollywood I have always related to is Jonah Hill. I'd consider myself a big Jonah Hill guy (no pun intended). His life shows how hard the battle can be. He has basically unlimited money to help fix his weight and still fluctuates drastically year to year. I'm not shitting on him because, again I totally get how hard it can be, but nobody fluctuates like Jonah.
So why am I typing all these words for you to read? Well since I'm currently dieting/life style changing it made me think of my guy Jonah and his struggles. His movies are clear visual evidence documenting his struggles with obesity. So without further ado I give you the power rankings of Jonah Hill movies from least fat to holy shit fat. Obviously, no animated movies. I tried to keep it to major or supporting roles so movies like Forgetting Sarah Marshall or Grandma's Boy won't be included. Finally, I haven't seen everything he's in so I kept it to Jonah Hill movies I have seen. That means no Django or Hail Caesar either.
I begin with the
"Skinny Jonah" Division.
10. The Watch (2012)
To kick off the countdown is Jonah Hill in the 2012 Sciency-Comedy "The Watch". Out of all the movies on this list I wouldn't be surprised if you haven't seen this one. It barely broke even at the box office and I frankly don't even really remember it coming out, I just remember my aunt red boxed once. If you get a chance watch it, it is actually kinda funny and has an awesome twist (spoiler alert but not really)
This is Jonah's skinniest role. After Moneyball where Jonah looked like he ate 150 pounds of fat Jonah obviously started dieting. Late in 2011 photos of a much skinner Jonah surfaced around online. The pic of Jonah throwing a first pitch at a Texas Rangers game in September of 2011 is the peak of skinny Jonah Hill.
I don't know what he is doing with this look though. C'mon, Jonah. The tucked in jersey to jeans is an AWFUL look, nobody under the age of 50 should ever try to pull this off. I wish someone told my boy about the jersey rules. (other jersey rule: don't wear the jersey of a team not playing in the game you are at to the game, all time hardo move)
9. 21 Jump Street (2012)
Late 2011-2012 were easily Jonah's skinniest years of his career. 21 JS is one of my all time favorite Jonah Hill movies. When I first saw commercials for it I did not have high expectations, don't really remember why, I just can recall I didn't. After watching this in the Summer of 2012 I was cracking up, not only is it funny, but it also has a pretty good plot. Jonah and Channing Tatum made up a great team playing cops Schmidt and Jenko who pose as high schoolers to bust a drug dealer. Ice Cube is hilarious as well. Plus this movie introduced us to Brie Larson. I love her, she's wicked cute, and actually seems like she's a nice person. Don't really have grounds for that but I'm gonna believe what I want. You can't tell me what to do on my own blog.
If this was a ranking of best Jonah Hill movies this would be top 3 but when talking about his fatness it's towards the bottom.
Unfortunately that ends the "Skinny Jonah" division. Huge mistake by him to not make more movies at this size. Got strike when the iron is hot. As someone who has lost and gained significant amounts of weight multiple times you gotta remember to take a lot pics to document the peak skinny days.
"Skinny-Fat to Borderline Huge" Division
8. 22 Jump Street (2014)
This is where the countdown gets a little mirky. No denying that The Watch and 21 Jump Street were Jonah Hill at his smallest. Late 2012-2014 Jonah Hill saw a bigger Jonah, but by no means his biggest. My guess is he probably stayed around the same weight for that time period.
22 Jump Street follows Schmidt and Jenko to college where they need again find the supply for a new synthetic drug.
You can tell Jonah is bigger than he was in 21 JS, but still is nowhere close to peak fat Jonah. My guess is after his 2013 roles he may have lost a little weight for this role as he noticeably less fat here than in the next few movies.
My favorite parts of 22 Jump Street are when Schmidt tries to be a chollo and when he's at the poetry slam. Most of the time sequels don't live up to the original, while I'd say 21 Jump Street is better 22 Jump Street is still pretty fucking funny. 23 Jump Street is supposed to be happening as well which is pretty sweet.
7. The Wolf of Wall Street (2013)
Jonah Hill isn't gigantic in this movie but his signature chin is starting to creep it's way back.
During my first senior year of college (I "redshirted" NBD) this movie was wicked popular. Don't get me wrong it was okay, I just think it's overrated. First off, it is like 4 hours long. Idk if I have ADD but I definitely cannot pay attention to a movie for that long. It's exhausting to watch. I've only seen it once, probably will never dedicated the entire day it takes to watch it again.
Also if you know anything about me... I don't like movies where women have their heads shaved. GI Jane, V for Vendetta, Les Miseral (prob spelt wrong don't care) I'm all set with ruining an attractive woman for 2 years. I'm a big hair guy, so it pisses me off. If it was up to me it'd be illegal to shave a hot girls head in a movie. So after that scene I was not in a great mood.
Jonah has one of the best acting performances of his career in this flick and grabbed an Oscar nomination for best supporting actor. He is also known for only making $60,000 for this role.
I honestly don't even remember this movie that well, but I do know Jonah and Leo killed it together. Would love to see them do more movies with each other. Jonah also had one of the most ridiculous shirts you'll ever see.
6. This Is the End (2013)
Something nooooottt so chill happened last night.
This 2013 dark-comedy about the end of the world featured an ensemble cast of actors playing exaggerated versions of themselves. Nobody's was as funny as Jonah Hill. He was clearly being fake nice for most of the movie. It was clear he was trying to not act like his recent success in drama hasn't changed him from the goofball comedy actor he has been in the past when he clearly thinks he's better than everybody else.
He's making fun of himself in this role which as someone who does a lot of self depreciating humor I can really appreciate. I feel like it is a kind of forgotten movie, but he did a fantastic job here.
As for Jonah's fatness, his nice haircut helps take away from the fact that he's put on a little bit of the weight he lost in 2011. Classic fat guy move to try to accentuate other features. Having great hair is key. Depending on the angle he's shown in he can look from anywhere to not that bad fat to holy shit fat.
I've probably seen this only 2 or 3 times but it is hilarious. Jonah's version of himself is full of great lines. He has probably one of the most memorable scenes in the entire movie where he is possessed by the devil and an exorcism is performed.
Weed is tight.
5. Superbad (2007)
You know what kind of foods are shaped like dicks? THE BEST KINDS
In Jonah's first (co)leading role he plays Seth opposite Michael Cera who plays Evan. The two are high school seniors who are about to graduate and just want to lose their virginities before going to college. If you're under 40 you've probably seen Superbad I don't really need to give you a recap so I'm gonna stop.
Jonah had been way fatter in his minor roles in movies like Grandma's Boy and Accepted leading up to this breakthrough performance. He definitely lost a little weight going in but is still a big dude. I can't tell if the Jew-fro helps or hurts his case in this movie. I'll go with helps just because it's so funny. Pretty sure this is his last role with it.
Superbad came out when I was 15 and going into my Sophomore year of High School. (Typing that makes me kinda sad knowing it has been that long) IMO it was the funniest movie of 2007, probably one of the funniest movies of my entire life. It was quoted constantly during high school. Almost a decade later I'll find myself still making references to it, whenever I see a person eating alone I think Stephen Glansberg.
Now for where Jonah is at his biggest. These 4 are a real toss up, you could probably put them in any order.
"HOLY SHIT BRO" Division
4. Get Him To The Greek (2010)
Originally when I was putting together the rankings for this I was going to put this at number one because it is my favorite Jonah Hill movie and simply is the first Jonah Hill movie that comes to mind for me. I actually own two copies of it DVD and Blu Ray, and not like the DVD that comes with the Blu Ray, two physical copies of the same movie. This was done by "accident".
However after some careful consideration I'm going to put it at number 4.
Jonah is no doubt huge in this movie, but being next to Russell Brand who is like 6 foot 4 and skinny also makes Jonah look worse. Everybody knows when you put a skinny person next a fat one it makes the skinny one look better. That's why so many hot girls keep a fat girl in their crew. This is life 101 stuff. So conversely it makes the fatty look worse. He may be at his fattest here but being next to Russell Brand gives me enough reasonable doubt to think it is not his biggest.
Jonah also is rocking a beard that looks more like glued on pubs. Another classic fat guy move...growing a beard to try to add a little definition to your face. I for one am guilty of this. However, for Jonah it makes him look worse. There's nothing worse than a guy who can't grow decent facial hair with facial hair......
Sidney Crosby with the worst playoff beard of all time. Lucky for him the Penguins don't win in the playoffs anymore so he hasn't had to grow a serious playoff beard since being swept by the Bruins in the Eastern Conference Finals in 2013.
Another major fat guy move that led to Get Him To The Greek being ranked so high is the fact that in the movie Jonah's character is constantly wearing a button down with a tie, untucked. Textbook sloppy fat guy look. I hate tucking in my shirt because of how fat I am but you kind of have to unless you wanna look like an ass hole.
As for the movie itself it hysterical. Jonah Hill plays Aaron Green a guy who works for a record label that is in desperate need of a new idea to help business. Aaron suggests putting together a reunion concert for the band Infant Sorrow where Russell Brand plays the lead singer, Aldus Snow. The movie is all about the journey and hijinks of trying to get Aldus back to the Greek Theater in time for the concert.
Diddy steals the show as the head of the record company, Sergio in the few scenes he is present. Jonah and Russell Brand together is great as well. Not a wicked quotable movie per say, more so just funny moment. The Africa face, the airport scene, Jeffery, and stroking the furry wall to name a few. It's one of my favorite comedies of all time.
Also, it is kinda weird to see Peggy Olson aka Elisabeth Moss has Jonah's girlfriend. I'm awful with disassociating actors and actresses with their most notable roles. She'll always be Peggy to me.
The songs of the band Infant Sorrow in this movie actually are pretty good, I'm not sure if it is actually Russell Brand singing, but if they were a real band I'd definitely be a fan.
Sidenote the meeting scene features a ton of actors and actresses who are pretty big in comedy now right before they really took off....Aziz Ansari, Nick Kroll, Jake Johnson and Ellie Kemper just to name a few.
#3. Accepted (2006)
In this movie Justin Long creates a fake college after not being accepted into any schools. Jonah Hill plays his best friend who was accepted to South Harmon where Justin Long's character wanted to go. Not a timeless comedy like Superbad but still a decent movie to watch the last 45 minutes of when you're flipping through the channels on a lazy Sunday.
Best part of this movie however is clearly Blake Lively.
This was Hill's first role where he was a big part of the cast. He is absolutely colossal in it, and I do mean in the sense of weight.
You could definitely argue this is Jonah Hill's fattest role, but he also much younger here and the baby-faced-ness could add to him looking bigger. The movie came out before Superbad and you can clearly tell that he lost a significant amount of weight between this movie and Superbad. So good job Jonah!!
#2. The Sitter (2011)
Much like "The Watch", I don't expect a ton of people to have seen this movie. It could very well be Jonah Hill's at his fattest but frankly I didn't want to put a movie I've only seen once, and barely remember at the top spot.
I honestly can't remember anything from movie except for how big Hill was, how awful his hair is, and the opening scene of him going down on some chick. Couldn't find that scene on youtube so I went with what some random guy declared was the best scene.
#1 Moneyball (2011)
In Jonah Hill's first serious role he plays Peter Brand, assistant General Manager of the Oakland A's. He works under Brad Pitt who plays A's GM (now Executive Vice-President) Billy Beane. The A's are a small market team with a very low payroll and are about to lose 3 major starts in free agency.
Jonah Hill's character Peter introduces Billy Beane and the A's to Sabermeterics, a more advanced breakdown of statistics to build a successful team of overlooked and cheap players. While the A's still don't win the World Series they actually finished with a better record in 2002 with the saber metrics approach than they did in 2001. They led the way to using advanced analytics in sports.
Not only is Moneyball Jonah Hill's best acting performance of his career, it is also the fattest role of his career. What is most notable about Jonah's size in this movie and what led me to make this the top spot was by the time it was released in September 2011 Jonah Hill had lost a ton of weight which made how fat his is in Moneyball really stand out.
Moneyball is a great movie and story, but still kind of pisses me off that is was made because despite winning 103 games the A's didn't even make it out of the ALDS. I understand the deeper meaning and how the change the 2002 A's made is more impactful, but it still pisses me off. Then again Fever Pitch is about the Red Sox winning the World Series and is AWFUL. Whatever.
That concludes the ultimate Jonah Hill fatness power rankings. Disagree or have a thought you wanna share? Feel free to comment. I love Jonah Hill as an actor and as a fellow man who struggles with his weight I hope he can keep it in check so he can keep putting out great movies for us for the a long time. Thanks for reading, I hope you enjoyed it.
P.S. Idk if I can get sued for making this but I hope I don't. Don't really have any assets, but if Jonah Hill wants to take my piece of shit 05 Corolla then be my guest.