Today was a day I had been dreading since all the way back to Friday when I got the call reminding me I have a dentist appointment today. I never pick up, just let it go to voicemail because theres no point in me talking to them when they'll just let me know what time the appointment is on the message. The only person I will talk to on the phone is my mom, other than that I'm all set. I feel like in 2016 there is definitely a way to just text me: Monday 4:15 pm.
So at around 3:55 I start brushing my teeth vigorously to make it seem like I take better care of my teeth, I'm talking like maaaybe 2 minutes or enough so that my gums bleed. Whichever comes first. That's how you know you did a good job. I would floss too, but I lost the floss they gave me at the end of my last visit and I'm not gonna buy floss when I know I'll get some at the end of this one. That's just being smart with money.
Going to the dentist is probably my least favorite thing to do in life. Combination of small talk and actual physical pain. Nothing better than talking about the weather and getting stabbed in the gums for an hour. Yeah, Ik, we all hope winter ends soon.
That leads me to everything that is wrong with going to the dentist's office.
First off the furniture: I'm sure some dentist offices have updated their appearance in the last 30 years, mine has not. Now as a big dude there is no chance I'm sitting on this shitty Little House on the Prairie looking bench and chairs. I don't think you could find this stuff in a store if you search for a year.
Basic rule of thumb for any dude over 250, do not risk it with old wooden furniture. Nobody wants to be the guy who broke a chair. This goes for any where. I won't go to certain restaurants or bars if I know the seats are weak. Don't wanna end up like Rosemary in Shallow Hal. If I see wicker I don't even temp fate, I don't think I've sat in wicker furniture in the last 5 years. Plus my dentist is always looking for ways to charge me for extra shit so I know I'd be seeing an invoice if I destroyed that. Luckily for me there is another bench that I could just pop a squat on.
Next thing I hate is spending time in the waiting room. So pro-tip I recommend for any doctor/dentist appointment to show up late. Is it the most professional thing to do? Probably not. But they're gonna make you wait regardless so might as well be there for the least amount of time as possible. I'm not talking crazy late, like 5 minutes max. If they actually get mad they'll say something and I haven't had a complaint yet. Even if they do I only see you once every 6 months. If you're only mad at me twice a year that is actually pretty good.
I've been doing this for about two years and usually it works wonders as I end up going in to see the dental hygienist immediately. However today was not the case I feel like they knew that was my move and tried to flip that shit on me and still find a way to make me wait. I didn't really mind, plus they're only hurting themselves, every minute I'm there my breath is just getting worse, and worse.
So when you're waiting for the dentist, there is usually a spread of magazines, usually all wicked old, probably could find a Sports Illustrated from 2012 in the pile, if you're lucky you'll be able to catch up with the London Olympics.
This is one thing I think has to go, I'm done with magazines. Nice gesture? Sure. But print is dead, honey and for the past 5 years everybody who has ever been in a waiting room is on their phone anyways, so why don't you save a little money and cancel the subscription. Nobody is touching the nasty old magazines at the dentist anyways.
After about 20 minutes of reading twitter they call me into the office.
Now is where normally for the last 10 years they have asked me how school is going. I've probably said fine or good every 6 months to these people since 2005. I'm not going any deeper than that. Now that I've graduated and it has evaluated into where are you working? As someone who hasn't found a legit job yet, this is always nice and embarrassing to talk about how I deliver pizza with two college degrees. Go Dozo.
One time when I was waiting for the dentist to come like two years ago, I saw an index card with my name on it that literally said the following: my name, football, where I went to college and my major. Just shows that personal touch you get for being a patient for over a decade.
Here is where they tilt you back and start poking at your teeth. I just close my eyes and open wide and pray my gums don't get stabbed too many times. This is something for the life of me I'll never understand...WHY ARE YOU STILL TALKING TO ME? Not only do I not wanna talk to you but you also have your hands and a sharp pick in my mouth, so even if I wanted to reply, you aren't gonna be able to tell what I'm saying. Of course my favorite question is always included: Have you been flossing regularly? I used to just lie but I feel like they can tell by just looking in your mouth. It's like asking me "do you run marathons?" If you look at me for .2 seconds you'll know the answer. I told the lady no today and it felt good, no I don't floss, I know I should but there are a million things I know I should do but just don't due to laziness and thats what being an American is all about. I feel like this is just something they say to guilt you into flossing more.
Now I know usually most people rip on the elevator music most doctors and dentists have playing but honestly I don't really mind. I just don't like how it is instrumental covers of John Mayer and other soft rock because I'd rather just hear the real thing. Everybody who knows me knows I can get down to Hall & Oates. I do have some advice however for my dentist and all fellow dentists... lets get rid of instrumentals and get some flat screens on the ceilings. TV's make everything better. If I'm not gonna be able to text for 45 minutes, the least you can do is throw on something to watch. Definitely would help business and make people not hate the dentist as much. I'll just open my mouth and watch sportscenter and you can go crazy in mouth.
After scrapping, which despite not flossing is never too much of an issue as long as they don't stab me a ton because I do brush regularly and use mouth wash. NBD. What comes next is the polishing, which is hands down the worst part of the dentist. God forbid that mini floor buffer hits my tongue with the worst flavors imaginable. I hate the sound, the feeling, the taste, it's the worst, I miss the old days of just dipping my teeth in bubblegum flavored fluoride.
Once that is done the real dentist comes in and does about 30 seconds of work by asking me to bit down and then move my tongue around. 6 figures for this, what a life. After that, I get my free toothbrush and floss that I'll lose before I get home and schedule my next appointment.
My final complaint is scheduling my next appointment, now I get it, I'm not a monster, Ik it is their job and they need to have a schedule...but asking me what works for me in 6 months is beyond idiotic. 6 months from now I could be dead, how am I supposed to know what time is going to work for me in the beginning of September? I always try to schedule for a Monday night because Monday's already suck, why ruin another day with a dentist appointment?
I hate going to the dentist, but if they added tv's to the ceilings that could be a good start.