 I’m a big “personal relationship with God” guy, over organized religion guy. Sure, I am more intellectually advanced than most; I realize that in the event there actually is a God, I don’t need a middle-man diddler, hiding behind a cage judging me, picking an arbitrary number of Hail Marys out of an 11 year old’s back pocket to “absolve me”. Not everybody is so lucky. Every year millions of basic bitches give up things like chocolate, fast food or booze for Lent.  BORING! My 3rd biggest complaint with the Catholics is their lack of creativity. Variety is the spice of life and Catholics have been giving up the same, like 18 things for centuries. (Giving up Hulu in 2020 is the same thing as giving up radio in 1925) Growing up in New England, it’s a v Catholic area. I was exposed to this corporation at a young age. I have some legit knowledge on the topic; despite the tone of this satirical blog. My dad’s side of the family is aggressively Catholic, as are some of my friends. I was baptized. So for years I have heard people talking about all the revenue generators for the Church they had to do after school. As we’ve gotten older it has shifted to basically just Lent and going to Church the big three nights of the year. Despite my many qualms with the Catholic Church, I respect people’s right to believe what they want (almost always). I am not here to divide, I am here to help! Do you really wanna be like every other jerk-off giving up bacon or do you wanna do something unique for once in your lame ass life? You can give up pizza for the 4th year in a row or you can switch it up and actually try to improve as a human-being. Here’s the 2020 DOL Top 10 Outside the Box Lent Sacrifices (in no particular order) Ghosting
 If you’ve been on an online dating application in the last seven years you’ve likely been on both sides at least once. You start talking to someone for a few days, sometimes even weeks. You’ve exchanged snaps and might’ve even seen some titty, but have not met IRL yet. You start to get that combination of excitement and anxiety as you learn about each other. Wow you’re both fans of the office, pizza and wanting to die. What are the odds?! The probability of falling into some box/dick in the near future is elevated 😎 Then out of the blue, you can’t get a reply. For some reason interest has been lost; more than likely this person has matched with someone more appealing. For years we have just left people wondering what they did wrong? My solution is to abolish ghosting. At least for a 40 day trial period. Communication is key for success in all avenues of life. That includes uncomfortable conversations. Taking two seconds to message your match that you’ve lost interest because you matched with someone hotter or ex DM’d you back is the ultimate sign of maturity. Playing “The Box” by Roddy Ricch  Higio Montoya wanted to kill the six fingered man less than I want this song to die. Netflix Binging  “Really, Doz? You just said these were going to be outside the box” 🙄 Hear me out. I’m not a monster. I’m not trying to ruin sleep routines here. I get it. I’m not saying stop streaming all together. That’s insane. I wouldn’t say give up pooping for Lent. I’m talking full on 5+ episode binges. (3 is NOT a binge wtf) You can take 40 days off from 6 hour couch sessions/switch between Hulu, Prime, Disney+, HBO and AppleTV to loophole tf out of this. Just try to keep it to under 160 minutes per binge; go plant a tree or something. Talking Under Your Breath  This is something a lot of us do; myself included. I personally use it as a buffer to say something without really saying something it due to a lack of confidence! Sounds off why you do it in the comments! Use Lent to stop being such a little bitch and say that shit w/ yaaa chest! Tell that coworker they fucking suck, let your significant other know that outfit does make them look fat. Don’t hide behind mumbling under your breath passive aggressively for the next 40 days. Saying It’s Okay to Be Fat  It’s not. Accepting obese people for being them is not the fucking same as accepting alphabet people for being them. I’m not saying it’s okay to be a douche bag and slap food out of fatty’s hands, but this whole “be you, self love” stuff has gone too far IMO. Look, I’m fat. I know how much it sucks. I’m always uncomfortable, my dick barely works and more than two flights of stairs is out of the question entirely. I’ve struggled with weight nearly my entire life. The fact that Adele faced backlash for losing weight is asinine. Over the course of DOL I’ve ranged from from 376 to 256 to 336 to 266 to 296 etc. I should move to Toronto. I’ve tried everything to get this under control, but at the end of the day I love food and hate exercising. Ipso facto, I’m the owner of a one (1) hanging gut. Yes, I have a lot to offer both emotionally and physically (Above average intellect, A+ flow, etc.) but being this heavy is not appealing to most women. I can’t say I blame them because I don’t wanna be lifting and separating a fupa during cunnilingus in attempts to finally find the elusive clitoris. Be nice to fat people and treat them like people, but do not encourage or accept obesity as okay. It’s not. Try to help! Go for jogs with your fat friends during these 40 days. Shopping on Amazon  Believe me, I’ve had prime since 2011. I understand how incredible it is to order a trinket for $5.96 and get it in like 43 hours. I’m not going to act like I know the entire ins and outs of the business (or any business), but the fact these mother fuckers pay ZERO taxes and contribute millions of pounds of waste in their packaging a year rubs me the wrong way. Not enough to cancel my subscription and go back to stores full time, but for 40 days it wouldn’t kill you to stimulate the local economy. Being Racist/Homophobic/overall shitty  I hate things for no reason all the time. I say I hate foods that I assume I wouldn’t like, but have actually never tried. I realize how stupid that is but I’m going to continue to do it. Me “hating” Mussels is simply an educated guess. As I’ve matured I’ve stopped doing this with some things, like music or tv shows, but still have room for improvement. Generalizing is easy and fun. It can also be dangerous. If you hate people for something they cannot control, use Lent to try and make a friend that doesn’t look or think like you. Might I suggest the Daryl David episode of Rogan? That shit legit made me cry it was so powerful. P.s. This doesn’t mean “racist” or “homophobic” jokes should be written off entirely. True equality is everybody being fair game for laughs. Just because you find something funny doesn’t mean you don’t support equality. (To be continued) Not Washing Your Hands After Every Bathroom Use  They say cleanliness is next to Godliness and there’s a 0.00% chance you’ve washed your hands after 100% of your bathroom trips the last 40 days. Even if you’re a male who pees sitting down for both the comfort and convenience, and doesn’t touch their peen throughout the entire process; you still should be washing your hands. Fishing For Likes  Much like the last election, the tragic death of Kobe and GiGi Bryant, among with 7 other souls broke some brains. How could this happen? Why? All completely valid questions. I was legitimately shook up for days after the crash. Like millions of other people it still breaks my heart thinking about it. Unfortunately, this tragedy has turned into a pissing contest for clout at times on social media. People are trying to almost brag about how sad they are. Like why the fuck does David Cox (URI basketball coach) need to photoshop URI uniforms on two dead people with zero affiliation to the university?? I‘ll hang up and listen. In a way all of social media is fishing for likes, but there are levels to this shit. Thirst trapping and exploiting a tragedy for clout are not the same. Stealing shine for likes is ass too.  Ruining People’s Lives Because You Disagree With Their Sense of Humor  I personally think guys like Brian Reagan and Jeff Dunham are hacks. Obviously they have huge followings and fans that support them. We live in a free country (allegedly), people have that right to consume that content. If someone enjoys dark, edgy, boundary pushing comedy they should be allow to consume that without having their character assassinated. Are all people who like true crime serial killers? Just because someone can find the humor in “racist” or “homophobic” jokes doesn’t make them a bad person. Also just because a joke addresses race or sexuality doesn’t automatically make it x-ist or x-phobic. We need nuance. I 100% agree some words should not be used anymore, but again it’s comedy. Lighten the fuck up. Just because you don’t like something doesn’t mean it shouldn’t exist. There’s a chance this blog could get me in trouble. I made some jokes that certainly will offend, but tough shit. They’re JOKES. Enjoy your 40 days without cheese, Happy Lent. 
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Last night I was hanging with some friends, deleting beers (#coolguy), “watching” the fight. I missed the big blow in real time as I was earning my nickname-sake, but none of that shitty lead-in really matters. I could’ve just said last night my friend showed me a picture of this new Jayson Tatum ink.  I know that I overplay this GIF like HJY overplays Hotel California, but that tat is  I’m a Tatum guy. I hope he’s a Celtic for the rest of his career. Deuce is cute af. I’m excited to watch him drop > 25 today against the Lakers, but as a blogger who struggles with elementary level punctuation myself; this is a baaaaddd look.  I’m a nice guy and did JT a solid by cropping out his neck. The lack of an apostrophe changes the context from God’s (possessive) Will to Gods (plural) Will. If Tatum is a polytheist than that would be more than acceptable. It’s sort of an open-ended fragment that could turn into a v interest conversation piece after a rips from a Jaylen Bong. But unless he’s from Aldus Snow school of tattoos, it’s safe to assume Tatum’s a Christian. Despite the irony of Mr. Omitted Word Himself (me) getting on someone for a typo; I haaaaate how trashy it is to have a tattoo with an error. Inexcusable mistake. I can always edit a blog . Sure, you can adjust tattoos in some cases, but with these fonts and shading it would be nearly impossible. One of my friends tried to write it off like this isn’t a big deal “because he has more money than you’ll ever have” so he has the last laugh. I don’t understand what that has to do price of tea in China. While we all know this is the wrong side of the take to be on; it does pose an interesting question. What would someone have to pay to you be a walking typo? Obviously location is a huge factor, as it is in all real estate deals. Interestingly enough, Jay has ANOTHER tattoo with a missing apostrophe that I can assume he paid for. At the very least he chose this.  To paraphrase the late Lou Brown: “one more and that’s a streak”. Because of that, I feel like I can take the leap to assume Tatum is either ignorant to apostrophes (which is understandable because that’s day one of your sophomore year at Duke) OR he just doesn’t give a fuck because he’s paid. Either way always measure twice, cut once when it comes to tattoos. 
Five days ago; February, 15th was the 21st anniversary (I always feel weird using that word with death) of the murder of Harlem's finest, rapper Big L.
Lamont not so famously, once said "Yo, I got slugs for snitches, No love for bitches, Puttin thugs in ditches, When my trigger finger itches"
If you're like me, you knew exactly what slug means and just looked it up to verify so the readers know that a slug is a bullet! Lamont took snitches get stitches to a whole new level in the 7 Minute Freestyle. L also never reused verses in other freestyles. NEVER! Big L's song Street Struck tells the youth to stop glamorizing "the hood" lifestyle and the dangers that come from it. Ironically L called his own death in Street Struck, as he caught a bullet that was meant for the next man.
Big Papi was nearly Street Struck, back in June (not that long ago) in his native DR. I don't know about you, but I've had a few near death experiences. They usually shake you up for at least a little bit. If you're texting and driving and have a close call you usually don't touch you phone for at least 8 minutes. When someone is the victim of a shooting, you would assume they'd be for catching the assailant?
Not so fast!
Hey, Dave? Just wonderin’... would you call the person who turned in your potential shooter a snitch or a hero? Word. What if God forbid someone raped your daughter at a party and people witnessed it? Would they be snitching if they called the cops?
You'd think such a close call would give David some perspective on life, but instead he received a Big fat L for this take. 
Not only does he spew the company-line garbage as the Red Sox human mascot that Manfred is doing a great job, but I fucking LOATHE this attitude. It's something I see on a daily basis working in inner-city schools. It exists in a lot of places, but I see it constantly at work. This whole "don't snitch" mentality is so fucked and a major reason why the world is so screwed up. #vaguedoz
If you're some say something every two seconds tattletale, like the kids who snitch on a peer for using their phone; like that's going to earn my respect Then yeah, you can kick rocks. I don't care about breaking stupid rules. I wouldn't have told on gay dudes I hypothetically stumbled upon having a grand time in the alley of the restaurant I would've owned if I was alive in the 1950's (I still took the trash out of time to time to show I'm still a man of the people) either. That is not the same as "whistle-blowing" one the biggest cheating scandals in the history of professional sports. Mike Fiers isn't the only person who said something. There's reports that like a dozen teams complained to Major League Baseball. ROB MANFRED did nothing and had to nerve to call the Commissioners Trophy a piece of metal when people were pissed he didn't punish the players. I hate the phrase "for the intregirty of the game" but damnit Bobby for the intergrity of the game you need to hold these mother fuckers accountable. I honestly believe the Astros' 2017 World Series Title should be vacated. This is textbook cheating.
I'm convinced if a player didn't say something to pour the Mentos in the Diet Coke, they'd still be on the shelf as the Astros would be having a year-long tribute to Neil Peart (R.I.P.)
Fuck ANYBODY who calls Mike Fiers a snitch. That mentality is so asinine. He's a hero for standing up for what's right, making the hard decision. Yes, the cynical side of me thinks maybe there's sour grapes from being left off the 2017 playoff roster? I'll gladly give you that’s a possibility. From what I've read, it's more that Fiers felt it was finally time and did tell people. 
He considered the backlash and realized the effects of this go WAY past the box score. There's a ripple effect of who this cheating affects.
I love Big Papi and despite my current stalemate with the Red Sox, I'll always love Papi for the memories and joy he's responsible in my life. When you really love someone you gotta be able to call them out on their B.S. Don't get me wrong; I hate confrontation, but it's necessary at times. Sometimes you need someone who loves you to tell you there's spinach in your teeth or poop on your jeans. I get mad at my friends for not calling me/others out for stuff they used to. It's good to know people care, and I cannot support this GARBAGE that David Ortiz is spewing just because he hit 521 home runs (most of which for the Red Sox). Anybody that calls Fiers a snitch is a clown. P.S. Looks like Papi is doubling down on stupid statements today.
I'm sure Papi was fully on board with trading Manny in 08 too!
#TBT SONGS OF THE DAY. Here's a Special 2/20/2020 Edition. Song: Freaking Out The Neighborhood Artist: Mac DeMarco Album: 2 Song: Bent Artist: Matchbox Twenty Album: Mad Season Song: 2 Legit 2 Quit Artist: MC Hammer Album: Too Legit To Quit John Henry FINALLY Addresses The Mookie Betts Trade (and I Address My Future as a Red Sox Fan)2/17/2020
I still cannot believe the Boston Red Sox actually traded Markus Lynn "Mookie" Betts.
I don't think it's going to truly set in for me until Opening Day. Of course I saw the pictures of him and David Price getting introduced as Dodgers, but until Opening Day this still isn't real to me. I have been incredibly vocal about my disdain for both this trade and upper-management/ownership throughout this entire process. 
I have to admit, I may have overreacted and said things that are quote "aggressive". I may have even wished death upon John Henry multiple times. That may have been a bit extreme. Hand up (in a non threatening manner). I don't want him to actually die. The lines of trying to make a splash as a blogger-persona may have been blurred. I apologize for that. That being said, this trade should not have had to happen. Plain and simple. I will never budge on that. The sad thing is, most knowledgeable Red Sox fans have been aware of this very possibility happening since 2017. Once Mookie turned down an 8-year 200 million dollar ($25 million AAV) deal it felt like writing was on the wall. After turning down the less than fair offer, Mookie responded by having one of the best individual seasons in MLB history. Further proving he's worth an all-time contract. He collected a Batting Title, All Star, Gold Glove, and Silver Slugger in 2018. Oh and he helped lead the Red Sox to an 108 win season (119 counting the World Series title run) 
Now less than two years later, Mookie Betts is an L.A. Dodger.
Finally, John Henry addressed this franchise altering trade in a way that only the out of touch 70 year old could. PRed Sox strike again!
I have to be fair here. There are some points that I actually agree with.
1. This trade sucks; especially for young fans. This is shittiest for them. Young fans care more, it's just how it goes. No 8 year old obsessed with Mookie Betts should have to deal with the harsh realities of capitalism and scumbag hire ups this early in life. Have fun helping Kayleighe and Braxxtin read this tweet before bed, Mom and Dad; Mom and Mom; Dad and Dad; Dad and Mom, They and Mom. When the Red Sox traded Nomar I cried like a 22 year old whose first love cheated on them multiple times. It was devastating. I thought the Red Sox were making a huge mistake. I was wicked wrong. I was also wicked young; 12. The overwhelming majority of 12 year olds are morons and I fell into that. I did not know baseball like a say, 28 year old self-proclaimed genius does. Trading Nomar was a fantastic move and one that should be applauded as much as this one is bashed. Nomar was also battling injuries and 30. Mookie is regarded by many as the best player in baseball that isn’t named Mike Trout. 2. It’s his responsibility to try justify this trade. YOU’RE GOD DAMN RIGHT IT IS! (you did a bad job doing so!) 
3. Free Agency has changed baseball.
The era of one team superstars with no choice of leaving like Stan Musial and Ted Williams is over.....and has been for some time as Free Agency has been in baseball since the reserve clause, like Jimmy Hoffa, allegedly died in 1975 
We know this is how the game works nowadays. There are multiple teams on most players’ baseball cards. There are also still plenty of examples of Hall of Famers that spent their entire career in one uniform; all who played the vast majority, if not their entire career, after 1975.... aka in the era of Free Agency. Off the top of my head, no outside sources....George Brett, Mike Schmidt, Cal Ripken Jr, Derek Jeter, Chipper Jones, Tony Gwynn, Barry Larkin, Mo Rivera...okay now it's getting tough...omg how could I forget Kirby Puckett, Jim Rice, and Jeff Bagwell? 4. Clubs also have choices to make as well in this economic system This isn't Jacoby Ellsbury...it's Mookie Betts. They are not even close to the same caliber of player. I can understand not wanting to go over a certain number...but when it comes to this type of talent you need to make exceptions. ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU'RE WILLING TO PAY SHIT BUMS. Your club has made plenty of horrible decisions over the years, dating back to Carl Crawford, that led to this. No need to go any deeper in the financial history of the Red Sox; the attached blogs do plenty of that. IMO this move is short sighted, just like baseball's video system where they took a bunch of money up front that actually hurt the game long term...unless this truly was some evil genius move to trade Mookie to help reset the luxury tax and get some pieces in an attempt to go after him in free agency (Yankees and Chapman in 2016). Should that be the case, ? Moving on from Mookie Betts is not a smart baseball decision. It hurts the team and sends a horrible message to everybody in the organization and those people who support it with their time and money. This is not football with a salary cap and the "Patriot way" of “moving on "a year too early, rather than a year too late”. You simply could sign Mookie. Unless Mookie Betts has a J.R. Richard type-tragedy, he’s going to be a Hall of Famer. He could have stayed in a Red Sox uniform like Ted and Yaz. Yes, they offered $300M over 10 and he countered with $420M over 12. The Boston Red Sox...the same team that Henry brags about their lavish, at times foolish spending in a way that reads in a bitchy break up text. 
In terms of AAV (average annual value) we’re talking about $5,000,000 a year....
Those same Red Sox chose to trade him instead of countering, or opening contract talks again. OVER FIVE MILLION DOLLARS A SEASON. I LIED I AM GONNA BRING UP THE PAST... 72 FUCKING MILLION DOLLARS TO RUSNEY CASTILLO WHO WAS OUT OF BASEBALL!!! I mean what THE FUCK are we doing here?!!!!!?! As far as I’m concerned that’s all it comes down to; money. The Red Sox (John Henry) can kick rocks. Don’t insult us with this step-parent passive-agressive garbage. Which brings me to my fandom! I have shot from the cuff this off-season regarding the Mookie trade, going as far as renouncing my fandom. I don’t know if I’m ready to go that far yet. I feel like a hypocrite, but things are not always black and white. I feel like an abused partner who deep down still loves their significant other. Yes you want to leave, but it’s not always that easy. But you can put your foot down and I’m putting down mine. For YEARS I have put my own finances in unintelligent situations supporting this baseball team. For what? Drunken memories and shirts that don't fit? I have put up with the, whole historic and beautiful ... in many ways...a dump ballpark. I’ll spend the $12/beer and $10.25 on hour old fries and 2 chicken fingers knowing it fuels elite talent in this PR conscious baseball machine. I will not spend a cent of my own money supporting the Boston Red Sox in 2020. That is FINAL. A big part of me wants them to be horrible, but I still love the history of this team and a lot of players on the roster. I want them to do well but I really don’t want this move to end up looking good. Fuck John, Sam, and Tom. Call me petty. If you told me you could guarantee the Red Sox win the World Series this year I’d say no. We cannot reward this behavior. I hope more fans hope on this wave with me. If this is really a chess move to go after Mookie’s services in the off season I will write AT LEAST 5000 words praising John Henry and this front office. I may even eat crow’s eggs. 
I will gladly spend money I do not have enjoying Fenway Park and $15 bud lights if it means Mookie Betts is manning RF for the next decade.
That is why my official stance on the 2020 Boston Red Sox is that of a trial separation. I will creep from a distance. Of course I still care deep down. I've spent the majority of my life caring about this team more than actual family. Being a Red Sox fan was part of my DNA. Maybe too much. Fandom isn’t a personality. Perhaps this is the wake up that there's more to life than sports despite me loving sports more than life. (not really). I'm an idealist and I want things to work out. I want to go to Fenway with my friends, family and future ONS. I really am hoping you can show me you can change, or prove to me I am the one who’s wrong. I’m a big enough man to admit my fault when it’s necessary. I really hate to see it come to this. Do you think I get pleasure of this? Do you think I want to leave? You’re giving me no choice! I’m not going to wear your gear or spend money supporting you in 2020. It really sucks because I have this fire Red Sox light-sweatshirt that finally fits and of course now I can't wear it. If you can show me you actually love me (sign Mookie this fall) I’ll come back with open arms. P.S. That really was some all-time PRed Sox, panderfest garbage....wahhh we'll miss Mookies eyes and smile...here's the POS we hand picked to replace that sexy snarl. 
Double P.S. This is and always will be about mismanaging the roster and payroll. Yes this team spends and I grateful the team I root for (of have rooted for) does that. But they have spent so poorly over the years it caused them to trade a man with a legitimate chance to be the greatest player in franchise history. You can use the "a draft pick" is not enough compensation argument all you want, but at the end of the day if you didn't let Cherington, and then Dumbo make bad moves...and give guys like Evo (who I like and did want back...just not at his crazy deal) gigantic contracts over a heartwarming performance..in a loss. Ultra rare TRIPLE P.S. In 2020 I will be a Reds/Baseball fan. I love Trevor Bauer, Votto, Amir Johnson, that pitcher that plays the OF. I want to see them win the NL Central in 2020 because I'm a hashtag good friend. Hopefully I'll be back to Fenway with Mookie in 2021.
I'm gonna be honest with you guys (more than usual). I was having a troublesome time trying to figure out a good opening for this blog. I was going to take the "nobody listens to me", "I'm such a misunderstood, tortured artist/genius" angle that everybody loves, but couldn't pull the trigger. I'm too humble.
Well, now it looks like my future boss, Dave "El Pres" Portnoy just dropped a secret ingredient to sauté into the original blog like a little bit on onion that you won't even know was written yesterday.
People LOVE to break news and they LOVE be first to know of something. I don't know why that is, but people get off to it. I'd assume it's the chase of that minor sensation of superiority you get for a moment; knowing that you have information that these pissants do not. It can be quite the rush. Somewhere between making the final shot of a pick up game and reaching completion. I'm sure there were countless people excited to break the Kobe news knowing they were the ones who dictated the mood in the room. You very well may be that person.
We all have that friend that has to be the first to tell you a celebrity died or claim they knew a band/artist before they made it big. We've all been guilty of it before. I have as whaleee.
Sometimes it can genuinely be cool AF (as fuck) though and you're just trying to use this experience to relate and connect with a fellow human-being. Seeing an artist live before their big break big is kind of wild. I love stuff like that. It's like being the entry-level sales guy who played high school football against Patrick Mahomes, He that knew he'd become the face of the NFL in 2013! Brags about it in the cubes. Sometimes it's best to just let someone have that. ​Like imagine being one of the 13 people at that Travis Scott "show" before he blew up. ​​That's gotta be a cool fucking feeling.
I saw Lizzo open for HAIM in 2018 right before the internet decided that being fat was empowering and not endangering. I don't brag about it for obvious reasons, but you best believe I take pleasure in knowing I saw an artist that the sheeple eat up, basically against my will, before she took over the radio.
Well here is my chance to share with the loyal DOL readers an artist I have fallen in love with over the last week or so that I am convinced is going to be bigger than Lizzo's fupa. (I'm fat, I can say it) ​His name is Orville Peck and if you haven't heard of him, tighten up your bolo tie and listen. ​​This cowboy is going to take over the world. 
Orville's not exactly unknown, but with only "Dead of Night" surpassing the million view mark on Youtube he's by no means a house hold name yet. It's still early enough to claim you knew who he was before he blew up if you hop on NOW. Sure, he was at the Grammy's, but with zero nominations most people were just like "who the fuck is this dude with the mask?"
Pipes that could make a young man cry. Steph Curry range. I've been beating the word "haunting" to describe Orville's voice to a pulp, but damnit if that isn't the perfect word to use. I don't know if I've ever heard a voice I like this before. I LOVE it. He's legit all I listened to this weekend.
(apple music: @dozonmusic; Lavender Country is the OG gay country act that was a BIG influence to Orville...learned that in one of the many youtube interviews I've watched)
If you really want to impress somebody you can mention how Orville sounds like Roy Orbison. Who? Doesn't matter. Yeah, I said that before I realized that's the go-to comparison (male Lana Del Ray plays too) of your well-known music publications of the world. 'Twas a real nice ego boost to see my brain go to that of the "big shots" before seeing it. In reality I am just a man with an above average knowledge of information that doesn't pay me well (yet).
I'm a binger; food, booze, reexfer (so it doesn't show up in searches), streaming shows...you name it, I'll over indulge; it's in my RNA (people always sleep on RNA). So I don't know if I'm a fair litmus test for how good Orville Peck's music is, but when I say it's realistically 83% of all the music I've consumed the last 10ish days... I cannot get enough of this man. It's truly unlike anything I've ever heard before.
Admittedly, I am down on country, but it hasn't always been this way. I fucked with it heavy for like five years before one day a switch just flipped. I just don't really relate to the music. The cliches about country being about the same few topics (Beer, America, love, heartbreak, Constitutional-interpretation, trucks, fishing etc) exist for a reason. It's all country is. It's basically all the same. Pretty blondes from Tennessee or Kentucky and sorta okay looking good ole boys that probably have a cousin who played 7th string tight end at an SEC school. I don't relate to it, I don't enjoy it. It's not for me. If you do, that's cool. We live in America. I don't know if you've been reading DOL since February of 2016, but I'm a fucking weirdo, an outcast, a social pariah if you will.
Orville Peck is for people like me. The weirdos, the off-center, niché mother fuckers. Orville Peck is an INCREDIBLE musician who writes songs that anybody can relate to. They are love songs. As a gay man, they happen to be about dudes. I may not be a full-blown gay dude, but I am for sure empathetic to the cause and a supporter of my many (at least 4 confirmed) LGBT+ friends. I love how he's fully embraced the Cowboy persona. There's concept albums, but Orville is an concept musician.
I am telling you, this guy is going to be the next big thing so help me God. It makes perfect sense. Reviving a genre the youth has NO IDEA about whatsoever in rockabilly, the Cowboy gear, the mask, the gay boost, the success of Lil Nas X...I am normally pretty good at predicting trends in music. I'm batting like .800 at calling one hit wonders (Katy Perry "I Kissed a Gurl" was an all-time miss for me, but it fit all the criteria to be one; she was just too good).
Orville Peck transcends genres. I am not a country fan anymore and this has been all I've listened to and cannot get enough. Like the fallen Andy Yang, he could convert Trumpsters. The first three songs on Pony are fantastic. "Dead of Night", "Winds Change" and "Turn to Hate" are three of my five favorites on the album; "Queen of the Rodeo" and "Take You Back (The Iron Hoof Cattle Call)" round out my personal top 5. ​Between his vibe, aesthetic, persona, and actual music there's nothing stopping this guy except a mechanical bull mishap. OH HI MAC! **Tommy Wiseau voice** 
Now with Barstool looking to add more talent, you, the DOL readers have a chance to double down on knowing about people who don't get the attention they deserve before they blow the fuck up. I am applying tonight and continue to run my grassroots #HIREDOZO campaign where I basically am shipwrecked in the middle of the ocean yelling for a life-raft. I know I am going to make it. The loyal readers and followers know I'm going to make it. Even if Orville doesn't blow up like I predict (he will) you can be half right if you support the #HIREDOZO movement. Share it on social with Barstool accounts across social. Don't be afraid to help. I am incredibly loyal and will not forget you. I know exactly who likes my stuff on IG. There's already a slush fund for them just waiting on the slush.
I have plenty of ideas for content that I want to make at Barstool that I haven't been able to for a variety of reasons. One of them is more music related content. If I'm not hired by May when Boston Calling takes place you best believe I am making some #content that weekend. Orville Peck will be there. Take a wild guess how I am going to dress on the Saturday. I know taking a chance on someone truly unknown is risky, but betting on me is a sure thing. Worst case I have a heart attack and then you don't have to pay me anymore.
P.S.
Orville and the rest of his band stay bringing the absolute HEAT with these outfits. He said he doesn't wear the same one more than once anymore so that's a fun game you can play with the internet as you explore his catalog. 
P.S.
Of course the mask is a huge part of getting his music out there but the great thing about is how Orville doesn't say why he wears it to not influence people's perspective. #art! The jersey swap has bled into America sports culture the last few years. The origins of the jersey swap date back to one of history’s greatest rivalries; England vs. France.  Now, nearly 90 years later we have players with French and British names in a different football exchanging their kits.  Upon further research for this blog I learned players get fined $500 every time the giveaway a jersey. NO DAYS OFF FOR THE NO FUN LEAGUE.  It’s so perfectly NFL to charge players $500 to replace jerseys that retail for an already outrageous $324.99. Multi-Billion dollar mega-league can’t spare some shirts. It’s perfect. It would actually be cheaper for players to customize jerseys to handout to their opponents.  Luckily, most pro athletes can swing the cash during their playing days (Dennis Rodman withstanding) Here’s some notable swaps amongst athletes in the NFL and NBA. Two contemporary kings.  Family Business (Kanye West)      #OneLastDance              Those are all great, but none even hold a candle to these two gentlemen in Las Vegas. Game recognize game!  I am all aboard this real life jersey swap train, I NEED to know what went down that night to inspire such a beautiful gesture. It’s the perfect combo of comedy and appreciation. This is my favorite thing on the internet (today only) I want to see it everywhere. Cops and convicts, chefs and yelpers, priests and P.O’s. Just everyday people that may be adversaries, but at the end of the day are just doing their job; taking a second to pay respect to the competition. That’s what the human spirit is all about.
We Could All Learn A Thing Or Two About Work Ethic From This Stripper (Please Donate if You Can!)2/10/2020
This weekend clips on both ends of the tupthumping spectrum of getting back up (again) after you got knocked down went viral.
The first one is much more wholesome and cute. Enjoy.
That OH to video end kills me every time. While the video does cut off after the loud thump of a baby's skull hitting the ground, as a former baby and someone whose been around babies in the past; let me assure you they fall funny all the fucking time! Many of which will have you worried "OMG this baby is dead!" Don't panic. The vast majority of the time that isn't the case. I'm going to go out on a limb and assume Baby Jamie Harden survived this screen considering somebody there uploaded it to the internet.
The other video is fucking mortifying. Since I read below grade level, I was under the impression that this video was of an actual death. As you'll see here it's anything but that.
After going in thinking this was some best gore type of shit that leaked onto twitter dot com, I was amazed by the sheer will-power and athleticism of this stripper. To start shaking her ass without missing a beat after falling what looked like two stories off a stripper pole is the stuff of legends. She GOT ON HER FUCKING HEAD seconds after the fall.
When you do your twitter research (read the thread) like I did and learn the seriousness of this woman's injuries it elevated this performance to the HOE-HOF. (only using for the alliteration; I respect the hustle even though I'm not a strip club guy) You could've very well been reading a text, doing a key bump or getting blown under the table and totally missed the fall and would've thought nothing of it based on the dedication to her craft. If you broke this down frame-by-frame like the Zapruder Film (classic DOL reference) I think you'd have a hard time finding even a split-second of Genea breaking the fourth wall by showing her pain; which would've been entirely understandable given she nearly broke the actual stage from her fall. Knowing that free fall is 9.8 meters/second you can easily calculate out how high that fall was if you're really curious. I just cannot believe she didn't get into the fetal position and cry, for even a second! know I wouldn't have been mad at her if she did. Even reporters cry on air. Genea deserves a whiskey drink, vodka drink, lager drink, AND cider drink for showing up all these pussy-ass, flopping pro athletes. We need stat cast break down her launch angle and exit velo because I am still in shock that she's relatively okay. On a serious note; There is a gofundme for Genea to cover her injuries (that has already surpassed the $20,000 goal) that she explains in a video that I already attached to this blog because I'm a pro's pro (despite only getting paid for one blog in the history of DOL)
I am no stranger to making jokes in times when you probably "shouldn't" and while there is some humorous tones to this blog, what happened to Genea is fucked up and the fact that the club isn't paying for her medical bills ESPECIALLY after her professionalism and dedication to her craft in a time when most people would react in horror again shows the disgusting side of capitalism and lack of loyalty by employers. We really are all just a number. I wish you a speedy recovery, Genea!
P.S. They really didn't stop the music, cut the lights, send help...NOTHING. Incredible. Genea is a bad ass bitch. Double P.S. You are not supposed to film at a strip club. Real scumbag move, but then again it brought this act of heroism to light.
The second I got out of work on Friday the uber meter started running for ya boi.
After about 20ish of my last 30 hours were spent on the road, I decided I was going to treat myself to an afternoon at the cinema. I caught a 3:45 (pm) showing of 1917 because I LOVE history so much I majored in it (somewhat against my will). When I got out of the (European) theater, I was finally taken out of my misery. Mookie Betts is an L.A. Dodger :(
I don't even have the energy to be funny or be a good writer rn, okay? This trade fucking SUCKS and makes about as much sense as Mike Winchell wearing #20 as a quarterback.
Like Mike after he gets kicked in the face; I'm hurting.
@dozonlife has only been on twitter since July so you can't go too deep back into my takes, but THIS AF RN
It'd be disingenuous of the Doz man to act like I'm more qualified to do the job of actual MLB front office personnel, but I mean what the FUCK is this?
I made the mistake of getting a little hope. I knew it was unlikely, but I made the mistake of thinking the Red Sox would make an intelligent personnel decision. Maybe the ever-image conscious Red Sox would realize the fans loathed the decision they're about to make? But nooooo, instead after getting nearly a week to come to their senses after a hand out from the baseball God’s the Red Sox STILL made an almost mirror-image mistake to one they did 100 years ago.
As an educator I know the importance of a mission statement. While some may be hallow, the idea of them is something I can really get behind; this is what we're about.
The Red Sox have done no so thing over the duration of this ownership. Just throw money at the wall and hope for the best. To their credit they've won four World Series (although 2013 is 100% a product of a tragedy but that's not what this blog's about). It all stems back to trading Jon Lester. 
After butchering his contract situation and punting in 2014 months after a World Series the Red Sox were claiming they weren't giving big contracts to pitchers over 30.
Then they gave a BUM who hadn't played baseball in two years 72.5 MILLION DOLLARS trying to hope on the Puig and Jose Abreu wave. He’s from Cuba...they’re from Cuba...and that’s where the scouting stopped. 
Desperation.
Okay, that was a smart move :(
Then the Sox were like fuck it! We'll sign a 30 year old lefty to a 7 year-217 million dollar deal. 
Now Mookie Betts is gone.
I'm just a blogger with less than 100 combined followers on twitter and IG, so my opinion as a human are invalid in the eyes of the internet God's, But I mean
Do people really just not care? How is there not more outrage over this? The Red Sox are saying fuck you to the fans. Plain and simple. Baaaa, Baaaa black sheep. Just keep letting big business fucking you up the ass no lube. Keep spewing that corporate bullshit. Sweet Caroline down 12. How can any logical Red Sox fan support this move? Nothing is going to change without action. Boycotting is the only way.
People may be like "dude it's just baseball, who cares?" to that I'd say, in a way you're right! But this is bigger than baseball. It's about what's right. It's about justice. It's about the horrors of capitalism. Bottom line over common sense. Corporate greed and corruption. You can call Mookie Betts greedy all you want for asking for 420 million over 12 years or whatever it was, but when you consider how much Major League Baseball makes and his value...in today's market... it's more than a fair asking price. The Red Sox are the greedy ones, with hubris that will surely cost them in the long run. The Red Sox will regret this trade and shell out a horrible contract in a year or so to someone far less valuable than Mookie Betts. I am not longer a Red Sox fan and will not be until John Henry sells the team or reacquires Mookie Betts. It fucking sucks, I love the Red Sox and don't want to do this, but I cannot support an organization that makes such a cold-hearted, idiotic, poor decision. Fuck John Henry. Fuck Tom Werner. Fuck Sam Kennedy.
Go Reds!
P.S.
If the Red Sox are really just punting on 2020 and pulling a 2016 Yankees with Chapman and give Mookie the bag this off-season after getting under the luxury tax than I take back everything I've said the last week. You guys are great people and #RedSoxNation is lucky to have such smart, handsome, not-complete pieces of shit, well-planned people running the show! double P.S. turns out Sam Kennedy is a regular man of the people! 
If you look at Mookie Betts wikipedia page it still says Boston Red Sox
One look at those accolades and it's easy to see why you'd want to get rid of the guy.
I learned this life lesson from sports after 18-1 when I had thought there was no possible way on earth the Patriots lose the Super Bowl; It's soooo much easier in life to not get your hopes up. It makes the let down easier to handle. No expectations = no let down. Much easier said than done. I fall in love with every chick above a soft 5 that messages me first. I'd still say 90% chance this trade still happens, but guess what? People win the lottery, survive cancer and fall in love every day. All things with a far less chance of happening than 10%.
Damnit, the #narrativguy in me is LOVING the idea of this turning something out of a movie. It seems that information everybody in baseball knew about this Twins pitcher (who I won't even name) is holding the deal up.
I know I have been extremely vocal on social media (and IRL!) about how stupid of a decision this is. Franchise altering mistake IMO. University of Tennessee fans were able to stop the Greg Schiano hiring from happening from pure online outrage (granted it was based on lies) so maybe the Red Sox can follow the lead of Mookie's home state?
The delay on the trade being official feels a lot more like the one firing squad shooter that was supposed to have a live bullet accidentally had a blank than the state calling it off.
Who knows though? Stranger things certainly have happened. Should the Red Sox keep Mookie I will change my tune quicker than you can say "300 game".
My fandom with the Red Sox really is like a marriage. I never thought we'd get divorced; ESPECIALLY after how great of a time we had together not two years ago. But even those who are madly in love have a breaking point and this is mine. I really don't want to move out and take the kids to my mother's but you're leaving me no choice. Don't make the same mistake your great-great grandfather did!
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