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If my calculations are still correct, COVID-19 is running roughshod through rock #3 as we read. Truly shades of Lizzo's rise to fame when you consider the rate at which the Rona has spread. Rona's been around for a minuteee; A few people in-the-know really knew what was good with her and how she'd eventually blow up; despite most people not taking her seriously. Then one day she was fucking everywhere. Everywhere you went, you could not escape her; it's Rona, Rona, Rona.
It's tough to make jokes when thousands of people are dying and all you want to do is get high and watch Gilded Age documentaries, but the show must go on! Even if every other show in town has stopped.
You'll never guess who's trying to act like they can just out-work, out-grind and out-smart the Rona.
That's right! The NFL. The same shield that brought you hits like "The Assassination of John F. Kennedy Won't Stop League Play" and "We Lied About the Repercussions of Concussions for DECADES" is proud to present: "The NFL Draft is on AS SCHEDULED; 24 days from now despite COVID-19!!!"
My disdain of Roger Goodell is firmly on the record. I hate the man. I hate his bird face. I hate that he vacations in the same geographical region that I call home. He sucks. 
I know this move to keep the draft going is purely based on profits, while at the same time trying to keep the 2020 NFL Season intact. Just a bunch of billionaires with zero regard for the rules or safety saying we're still having our party in our sun-less faces. I can't lie, I have to respect it. Tip my Schutt Air XP Advantage and move on. As much as I hate everything that Goodell is and represents; at least he's trying to give us SOMETHING during this lock-down/quarantine in place/whatever term we're using to describe what life currently is.
It's clear Roger wants the NFL Draft to still happen at all costs. We frankly need it, given the circumstances of life as of late. I miss sports. You likely do too...probably more than I do tbh; there's plenty of information out there on the Gilded Age for me to consume. ***Diddy in Get Him to the Greek after freaking out about Chocolate Daddy's lack of units/his surplus of voice*** I'm doing fine. I know Roger would never listen to someone like me with creativity flowing through their brain like toradol, but I'm going to introduce some ideas for the 2020 NFL Draft here. I love football. I want the game to survive. The 2020 NFL Draft will be unlike any previous draft of most NFL fan's lifetimes. In order to remain as safe as possible the following rules must be followed: It's dangerous/strange times here; we need to smart. You billionaires will be okay. It's the common folk that you exploit to become/remain billionaires that you need to worry about for once. If you want to steal these ideas and pass them off as your own so eventually Roger can see this and pretend he thought of it; that's fine. Just let Barstool know where they originated.
How the 2020 NFL Draft Can Still Be a Touchdown Amidst Pandemic!
1. No Fans Allowed!
Those fans whose dream it is to watch their favorite team draft someone they likely won't sign to a second contract will have to wait for the greater good of the game.
2. No Green-Rooms Chock Full' O 20-23 Year Old Men in $6,300 Suits.
With bushels of eligible men that played football at various institutions of higher learning across this great nation ripe for the picking; it is important to consider the health effects and cross contamination from so much excess cloth/ potential exposure to super-strains of disease from different regions.
3. No More Elaborate Handshakes or Displays of Affection (In order to Safely Practice Social Distancing)
I know everybody wants to get their hands and lips on Roger, but we cannot take any chances. If Tom Hanks and Idris Elba aren't immune; neither is Führer Goodell. Can't be taking no chances!!!!
This is actually borderline okay.
4. Use This As A Teachable Moment
While the NFL did a pretty solid job of sucking it's own dick during all the #NFL100 celebrations; one of my biggest complaints was the lack of respect towards the league's vast history. They dropped the ball like Jackie Smith here. Now all of America (and the world) is sick. Sure, they threw a couple leather helmet era fellas a bone by including them on the All-Time Team. All those Kings that laid the foundation got was 20 seconds of Belichick going over their lithographs; it wasn't enough. The league really put little to no effort in talking about these great teams of the past.
During these unprecedented circumstances it's clear the 2020 Draft will be unlike any that people under .... let's call it 42 years old can recall. I think it'd be awesome to use these unfortunate health circumstances to force people to learn about the history of the NFL. A little league-mandated propaganda never hurt anybody... Think about the demand for sports content right now! The draft could be held in a bathroom and tens of millions would tune in. Do people in the league not realize how amazing the stories of this league's development from a bunch of butchers letting off some steam to the medium-key monopoly with a stranglehold on the Lord's Day are? (are they trying to hide them?) The stories of the AFL-NFL merger should be house-hold knowledge. "Operation Hand Holding" deserves it's own blog and will likely receive one later this lock-down. My point is the history of not just the NFL, but all of mankind is fucking fascinating.
Did you know the draft used to basically be a bunch of owners drunk in a hotel? 
With nothing but a chalk-board-----
-----and some rotary phones.
That is how the 60's Packers; perhaps the greatest dynasty pre-Brady/Belichick were built.
If we went back to a 1967 "Common Draft" style production, or better yet to the real rinky-dink-ness of pre-merger we could not only TRULY appreciate this league's history, but show how far it's grown. You could create a ton of content about the history of the NFL that people will gladly watch just because it's NFL related. The demand is so high for sports related content that we may be able to shove a history pill on this football hot dog that America has to eat. I'm just saying this could be a lot of fun. 
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I Fundamentally Don't Understand How Wannabe By the Spice Girls Has So Few Views on Youtube3/28/2020
So here's the story from a to z, I know this song's 24 years old, but this still makes no sense to meeeeeee
I talk about how old I am on DOL all the f-ing time. In case you're new here you're boi is 28 years george gung. So by my calculations,,,,,, ever since ab(out) 1996 I've known what's going on around me. By that point ('96) I had been walking for YEARS and talking for months. Not only could I support the weight of my head by myself, but I could also make my own decisions with music 2. Up until that point I was basically Terri Schiavo. Just drag me around & subject me to whatever tunes you were feeling from late 91-96ish. I couldn't say shiiit. Then one day my friend Steve showed me the goods and I never went back. Now my memories of these times aren't super clear, but that's more so a defense mechanism for dealing with trauma lol. Some of the first songs I can remember actually liking on my own were the "Macarena" by Los Del Río and "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls. Talk about jumping in the (music) pool at the right time!
We don't need to waste any more time with blog fluffer so let's get to the meat and potatoes of this complaint. The issue at hand was first brought to my hand in late February.
I mean; it's garbage right? I know I'm drunk, but I'm not crazy. I get it, Wannabe was the biggest hit in the world from like 1996-97 and it's 2020 so some time has passed. Still went # 1 in almost 40 countries (37). Sure, people's tastes change and Youtube didn't exist until 2005, but like wtf? I get it that a billion is a lot, but like come on? Do we not remember how huge this song was?
This is WANNABE by the Spice Girls. Can we just forget the hustle and bustle of life with Covid-19 and go back to 1996 for a moment?
Wannabe was EVERYWHERE; it's legit one of my first memories of human life. As far as I'm concerned it's the most successful song in the history of music. It left quite the impression on ya boi. Sure I'm a wannabe (LOLOL) indie, hipster, piece of shit; but Ik my roots. This shit kick-started the gender specific pop explosion of the late 90's THAT I LOVEDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD.
How does this song not have a billion views on Youtube? It's been out since 1996 and on Youtube for 10 years. Yet only 455 million views?How fucking big is a billion?? Sure you could explain the numbers to me in a way that makes complete sense, but I don't wanna hear it. At the end of the day this is WANNABE by the Spice Girls; top 5 song of 1991-2020 in a poll ran and conducted by yours truly. I guess if you wanna look on the bright side that's 5 million views since my first documented complaint on February 28th (one month ago today). Irregardless (fake word?), this is BLASPHEMY. Mel, Ginger, Sporty, Baby and Scary deserve better. How have we wronged these ladies who did us so right? All they want is for us to fuck their friends BEFORE slamming our bodies 'round and we can't even get them in the Billy Club (different type). Zigga Zig wha the fuck?
Do your part.
P.S. I love you
Double P.S.
It's Saturday night during Corona lockdown and I'm drunk. Sue me for being passionate about the arts. Yesterday, I got low and messed around on the splice app for a few hours. The end results were this video of the time I was hand picked out of the audience at the Rosie O'Donnell Show in 1997 for being choked. Enjoy! If you're interested in the backstory!
#HireDozo
Throughout my recent independent research of the Gilded Age, I've noticed several eerie parallels towards contemporary (modern) life. If you thought the distribution of wealth was unjust today just wait until you hear this: Steel workers in the late 1800's made less than two dollars a day! That's right. The men responsible for producing the material that was literally everywhere at the time; building not just the cities of tomorrow, but the railroads of today......Maybe two bucks in a 12 hour day's work. Employees couldn't even cover a McDouble and their bosses had the gall to try to pay them even less.
The horrors of the Gilded Age led to the Progressive Era where many rules and regulations were established to offset the exploits of Robber Barons in life post-Reconstruction. These Progressive changes made the prospect of making it to 55 seem possible. No longer was life past 50 a Biblical tale. Per example! Food companies were no longer allowed to compliment sawdust hams with severed limbs as "added protein". 
How gross life was back then boggles my fucking mind. People were shitting in the streets, living in shacks with a dozen dirty bastards, eating rat-poop and people-finger sandwiches, going to work basically on the goT damn sun. The Pure Food and Drug act wasn't passed UNTIL 1906; due in large part to the Muckracking of Upton Sinclair and his findings in The Jungle.
Unfortunately, today's list has little to do with food or drugs.
But everybody loves a good list. Something about the organization soothes like a mother's kiss goodbye upon her 8 year old son's soot covered forehead before a 12-16 hour day in the mines.
What would you say if I told you two of America's most monumental moments of the late 19th century; The Johnstown Flood and Battle of Homestead were [mainly] because of the actions of one man? Well, I'm going to so don't waste your breathe. Your friends (me) here at DOL are happy to present you the Top One Worst Person You've Likely Never Heard Of.
1. Henry Clay Frick (1849-1919)
I first learned of this piece of human garbage while watching the Men Who Built America on Amazon like five weeks ago when I still had a job and the world wasn't ending. Don't be misinformed by my substandard writing; Henry Frick was not one of the featured Men Who Built America. No, no, no, no, no. Frick was more of a buster. Union-buster as a matter of fact. According to Wikipedia, Henry Clay Frick was also an American Industrialist, financier, and art-patron. In layman's terms; Frick was a Robber Baron. Like Lebron James in the 2008 Eastern Conference Semi-Finals, Frick had no regard for human life.
With the help of Benjamin Franklin Ruff, Frick established the South Fork Fishing and Hunting Club in 1881 atop a mountain lake (wikipedia's words; not mine). Frick and the other wealthy men who frequented this retreat's idea of upkeep for the dam was sandbags and selling the discharge pipes for scrap (seriously).
On the rainy afternoon of May 31st, 1889 the dam finally breached due to years of neglect by the rich; despite their ample funds to maintain it regularly. Unfortunately, there is no known video footage of the dam's breach as it took place in 1889. This era in American History is littered with stories of neglect and mistreatment due to greed. Sure, let's chop three feet off this dam so we have a better view! The factories these "Captains of Industry" ran were a half-step above death camps in their upkeep and safety. Triangle Shirtwaist Factory ever heard of it? Why would these men whose wealth was a God given right spend it on maintaining a dam they already purchased??? Somewhere between 2:50 and 3:00 14.55 million cubic meters or nearly 3.9 BILLION gallons of water was released on the land below South Fork. For comparison the average bathtub holds about 80 gallons or 1.63265306e-8% of the amount of water released. The results were as devastating as finding out you're pregnant for the 13th time before the age of 26. Flowing at a rate comparable to the Mississippi River; over 2,200 people were killed. 99 entire families were wiped out. 1600+ homes destroyed. 17 million in damages (in 1889 money when people made 17 cents an hour) Bodies were found as far away as Cincinnati and as late as 1911. Multiple towns were hit by the flood of not just water, but houses, telegraph lines, trees, fire and debris. None like Johnstown, PA. 
Of all those associated with the South Fork Fishing and Hunting Club, none were impacted by this disaster like Andrew Carnegie. His guilt caused him to start giving back as his actions helped rebuild part of the town; he donated libraries and thousands of dollars to help the efforts. After retiring in 1901 Carnegie would spend his time funding education and the arts, donating nearly his entire fortune up to and after his death in 1919.
Frick was Carnegie's right hand man and day-to-day overseer of his most prized steel mill; Homestead Steel Works (we'll talk more about that shortly). Frick's guilt caused him to lead a relief aid that included blaming the man-made structure's failures as "an act of God". Frick also avoided mentioning any affiliation with the club publicly and suggested all other members do the same. While he did donate some money it does not make up from the decisions and lack of actions that were made while he put this entire club together. This happened on his pocket-watch! His neglect and lack of accountability left thousands dead and even more outraged. Frick's scumbag ways did eventually forever alter the laws of liability in the United States; however nobody was ever held responsible for the flood. (Science shows there's clear blame)
The human spirit is fucking incredible. Despite over 2,200 deaths and literal trees through people's already severed homes; some good actual came from the Johnstown Flood. As a result of the damage the recently established Red Cross had it's first major non-war time relief efforts (s/o Clara Barton). People from not only the 45 United States of America, but at least a dozen other nations joined the relief aid as volunteers. The Johnstown Flood was arguably the first time in our nation's short history that mass volunteers showed up to help the betterment of man on a grand scale.
A little over three years later in the Summer of 1892, with much of Pennsylvania still soaked from the flood, you'd think that maybe Frick had a change of heart? Perhaps he'd realize his actions were shit and he smells a bit? No word on if he took any photos of salads with the recently invented Kodak Box.
Nope! Not even a little bit. Frink didn't use the disaster as a metaphor to wash away his previous mistakes as a human being! However the boys down at Homestead Steel Works had seen enough. 
See, Carnegie Steel was not like your hip, employee friendly offices of today stocked with cupboards full of snacks and iPhone chargers. Although if standing desks been a thing I'm sure they would've had 'em. Carnegie Steel operated 24 hours a day. Shifts were 12 hours long to keep production high as possible because that's how the human body works. Breaks were not really a thing yet.
While Carnegie talked out of both sides of his mouth about labor saying "no steel mill was worth a single drop of blood" He wanted to keep the peace, but keep his profits more. Since 1881 Frick was in charge of the day-to-day operations of the Homestead Steel Mill. His job was to keep the peace; by any means necessary. He had Carnegie's blessing to do whatever he deemed fit as he regretfully told Frick "We are with you to the end". Putting Henry Clay Frick in charge of keeping labor peace would be like Lenscrafters making Stevie Wonder CEO. Of all the shady men of this era; Frick was LeSean McCoy. Only instead of female only birthday/sex slave parties Frick didn't give a dam (LOL) about anything except profits. He wanted to break up the union at all costs. When "negotiations" failed Frick wanted to spend money bringing in an entire new labor force as opposed accepting the radical ideas of the union like an 8 hour work day and enough money to afford the dollar menu. Since Frick was a college dropout the idea of spending more money fighting with the union made more sense than actually treating the employees like human beings. Maybe in the shadow of slavery he forget that these actually were people? 
With the current CBA (no word on if they used that term) set to expire on June 30th, 1889 "negotiations" began in February. The union demands included shorter hours and higher wages. Frick's "counter" was a 22% wage decrease. With a stoppage imminent Frick began turning the mill into what the union boys referred to as "Fort Frick" when barbed wire, fences and sniper towers were installed in the months leading up. The strike officially began on July 1st although Frick locked out the workers before the CBA actually expired, i.e,--- breaking their current contract before it expired. Unlike other major strikes at the time; this was organized and not just some cluster fuck of employees screaming open a window and pay us more. On July 6th, 1889 after 5 days of striking from the union, Frick had planned on bringing in a new workforce. Using the protection of a private Pinkerton army of 300 men. Frink told Carnegie of his plans via this telegram. #Primarysource
Although the Union was able to force the Pinkerton Army to surrender it did not come without a cost both sides lost men and many more were injured. Frick chose lethal violence over living wages for his employees. For a few weeks this helped the strikers and tarnished Frick's public image. This all changed when some pussy anarchist Alexander Berkman tried to kill Frick in his office and didn't finish the job. Let's not forget how stupid and ill-informed people were back in these days. Now people felt bad for this guy even though he literally tried to murder his employees over simply not cutting their wages. This attack on Frick's life changed the public support against from the union and they frankly never recovered. Over time more and more people went back to work .For 95 days the state militia was on the mill grounds before the strike eventually ended in November. On November 20th, 1892 the strike was over and the union was broken. So in a way the attempt on his life helped Frick. He was king hardo and returned to work like 4 days later; the AA boys were more or less fricked.
in November. Frick and big business had won. He
Are there worse men in history? Totally, but you probably know their names; Sirhan Sirhan, David Berkowitz, Jim Jones, Mao Zedong, John Wayne Gacy, John Wilkes Booth, John Henry, Hitler, Mussolini, Stalin, Pol Pot; the list goes on. There's shitty women too! I just hope you learned a little bit about Henry Clay Frick. People like him should not be forgotten. Their stories and memories must not be erased; especially in days like today. If we learned from history maybe we wouldn't be making the same ol mistakes? A park shouldn't wash away two of the worst events that took place during the late 19th century. Both could've been avoided if it wasn't for the horrible "business" tactics of Henry Clay Frick. He's The Worst Person You Liked Never Heard. We can all take peace knowing he and everybody he's ever loved has been dead for at least 50 years.
**play in the background as you read**
With nothing but time on my hands from COVID-19 (I'm out of work; not infected) I am trying to do the right thing and use this time to my advantage, but like the Rag'n'Bone man; I'm only human. It's a fucking pandemic, bro. I'm sorry, but some days when I wake up I just wanna watch American Experience on PBS, okay?!?!
Sure, this is the opportunity of a lifetime; I have a legitimate excuse to dedicate all my time towards achieving employment with Barstool Sports. But it's not as easy as "okay you're home, get to work!"
If you have ever listened to stand up comedy in your time on this planet, you've probably come across a bit where the comedian talks about someone finding out they're a stand up. The premise is centered around how it's a job and being a comedian isn't as simple as just telling a joke at the drop of a hat. That it's unfair to expect them to be hilarious that second.
Obviously I could just write, write, write about everything that happens in a given day. I could've written about the Pats releasing Stephen Gostowski yesterday. In fact I tried to, but with the Barstool eyes actually somewhat on me; IMO it's about quality over quantity. I've blogged for four years. I've shown I can put together five paragraphs about a transaction. I could be wrong, but I don't think that's what's going to make or break me.
When KFC dropped this new series "Sports: Reimagined" yesterday a light bulb went off.
I immediately wanted to make my own. As a history/conspiracy guy this is right up my alley. I felt like this is an idea I could thrive with. PLUS KFC just said in his cameo to me Sunday how this is the time to make content; you never know what could happen. I figured since this is a series he wants other bloggers to be a part of that I'd make one to showcase my sports knowledge/talent/why Barstool should hire me. I started cutting video yesterday and brought up my idea to a group chat this morning. Here's a heavily redacted version of what went down.
As you can see sometimes my texts read like my blogs :/
KFC mentioned the series on CCK yesterday. He asked Carrabis what moment he thought KFC would do for the Mets and what he'd want to do with the Red Sox. While I am well aware I don't work for Barstool currently...that's the fucking end game with all the stuff I've been doing for the last four years! I figured if I could make a good version of their idea; building off it, trying to improve it...maybe that could help me???
This part makes me laugh; it did not at the time lol. 
Then they realized I wasn't in the mood after leaving my keys in the door last night knowing I'm going to catch a beating when my roommate comes home.
I completely understand where my boys were coming from, I don't want to come off as a content thieve/unoriginal. They think 100% original content is the way to go. I don't disagree!!! I need to make more original content and plan to. But I'm a multitasker; I've always got multiple ideas and projects I'm working on! I don't know man, I don't see what the big deal is here. I think the Welker drop is a fascinating rabbit hole to dive down with the butterfly effect in creates in NFL history. Maybe I'm wrong here? Idk. I'm still going to make the video, but please LMK what you think!
***via Cameo
If you're lost up to this point, basically Cameo is a service where you pay to have a celebrity reach out to someone. For a fee (that varies based on the person) you can get a personalized message from a catalog of stars like:
The possibilities are endless. It doesn't matter what your budget is, you can experience the joy that is receiving a Cameo shout out.
No matter your bank account, you too can have a celebrity wish someone a happy birthday or give them news.
Life is generally not awesome as of late; people are out of work and businesses are struggling. This is an unfortunate reality of the COVID-19 Pandemic since our government only bails out/cares about the rich. Others are forced to improvise.
Enter scene, Kevin Francis Clancy.
Out of the goodness of his heart KFC used some spare time Sunday night to raise over 2 grand to help Rathbones; a bar in NYC that has close ties to Barstool. While the cynics may say 2k won't go too far, it's still money that can help out employees out of work during this time. One of my friends stepped up and donated to the good cause. Would've never expected this from him!
As more and more people reached out to me about what KFC was doing it was really a no brainer for me to join the cause.
Here's the message sent my way AND my reply.
You best believe your boy is using this time to make content! Sure I'm out of work right now, but for 28 years my mom has been telling me that everything happens for a reason. I'm not saying a pandemic happened so I'd have free time to chase my career dreams, but I am saying a pandemic did happen. Gotta make the best out of a bad situation! That being said DOZONLIFE.com has been running since February 2016. Lots of old blogs you can check out!!! Look at those archives!!
This nightmare of a week may be technically ending, but the actual horrors are only just beginning. This is our new normal. We're amidst a pandemic, with toilet paper shortages and the most bizarro/awkward/unnecessary breakup in sports history; Tom Brady is a Tampa Bay Buccaneer.
Just three days ago, Tom Brady told us he was "FOREVER A PATRIOT" while terminating his position with the team. 
I know I may take liberties with definitions/interpretations of words on my blog and IRL, but it appears TB12 may need to download the Dictionary/Thesaurus application and freshen up.
"Looks like Tom said forever, and still said goodbye"
I still was holding out hope that this was all some crazy scheme to use whatever potential leverage he had left to stay. Unfortunately, that's no longer a possibility :(
One reality of life is that change is inevitable; It'll never stay the same forever; All good things must come to an end; This too shall pass; If you don't like the weather, just wait five minutes. I think we get it?
I knew that Tom Brady wasn't going to be the QB of the Patriots for the rest of my life (unless I died prematurely); this day was bound to come eventually. I just thought it'd be much different; that Brady would end up playing every down of his professional career in New England. I thought all parties would put their differences beside for the good of the organization and their legacies (as they always had). Let's not forget the Pats started 8-0 this season, it wasn't like they went 4-12. They could've found a way to go "all in" on Brady the next two years; then just rebuild. Everybody alive has their issues/skeletons; even the most successful player/coach/owner Triumvirate in the history of professional sports. Always remember, despite how great your neighbor's house may look on the outside, that inside those doors things may not be as perfect as they portray on instagram. 
Things at 1 Patriot Place were clearly not as always perfect as they seem. You can't hide your lyin eyes.
20 years is a long time to be together. Two decades of dealing with each other's bullshit. It's unfair to place blame entirely on one man; all played a role.
Belichick could've given an inch and treated Brady like the superstar, all-time talent he is and given him the respect/love he desires. Obviously this is me speculating, but I really think Brady just wanted to be acknowledged. His humble act is exactly that; an act. He's a human. He wants his due. We all know the parking spot story. Tom's like a son who just wants his dad to say he's proud of him and that he loves him. Instead, it felt like Bill was trying to give Brady less and less; almost to help accelerate his decline and justify paying him less/moving on entirely. I understand Brady's frustration with Bill over the years. You could argue the way he is is why the run lasted as long as it did, but Belichick is not impervious to mistakes or flaws. Ras-I Dowling, Tavon Wilson, Jordan Richards. I'll just stop now for all of us. Then there's RKK. The money man. The owner. The cool guy billionaire that fucks chicks 50 years his junior after making a spectacle of his wife's passing. The man who on paper has final say of how this organization is run. He could've avoided all this years ago by invoking his power as the owner to lock up Tom Brady long-term and make sure he has amble support on the offensive side of the ball. Brady saw countless teammates and friends leave at seemingly the worst moments for two decades. Kraft could've put his foot down. Instead Brady would adapt and the team would still win. Let's just please not forget the 10 year championship drought peppered in between dynasties. Brady had some stinkers in the playoffs for sure, but more often than not it was a flaw in the roster that cost them in the playoffs. Lastly, there's Brady; the California kid. The man who on the surface did everything right. He took team friendly deals that allowed this marriage together as long as it did. His "sacrifices" made a majority of this double-dynasty possible. He spewed the company lines for years, fully embracing the Patriot way; not allowing his personality (or lack thereof) to truly shine. It was all business all the time. What shocks me is that he ultimately made the decision to leave. That's what fucks me up. It's like he's turning his back on all of us that have loved and supported him for 20 fucking years. He finally had enough of Bill's bullshit? What was the straw that broke the "please don't call me the" Goat's back? I always would've assumed it'd be Belichick ultimately making that call. He's the one who's mastered eliminating emotion from decision making. We all figured he'd be able to overlook two decades of dominance and throw Brady to the curb when the time was right. I fell directly in the camp of not believing the hype that Brady could actually leave. I never thought Brady would; that it was all just to kill time during the off-season. It wasn't until a little before 9 am on Tuesday. As I woke up, I tried to figure out wtf Brady was saying, without actually having to read it all. That's when it was too late. He gone! I'm still in shock. Make fun of me all you want; I'm gullible. I trust too easily. I fall hard; fast. I believe in people, despite my better judgement. I'm incredibly jaded for years of being mistreated and disrespected, but I try to see the good in people. I thought legacy, honor and history mattered more than petty bullshit and proving "who needed who more?" Even at 42 (soon to be 43) it's not exactly a fair time to decide. We'll likely never truly know. I don't know why we need to? Does it really matter if John or Paul was the bigger Beatle? Brady hasn't fallen off the cliff, but he sure isn't even 2016 Brady anymore. If he fails in Tampa, I don't think it's fair to discount what he accomplished over TWENTY years in New England. Let's not forget the Bucs have 6 playoff wins in its history which dates back to 1976. The idiots in media like Max Kellerman will mention how the 2008 Pats went 11-5, but seems to forget how the vast majority of a team that was ONE enforcement of "in the grasp" away from literal perfection the year before. How can someone getting paid to give sports opinions be so dense? At the same point, if Bill succeeds post-Brady (much more likely) I don't think you can write off all he accomplished in New England on the arm of TB12. Brady carried the 2017 Pats to a Super Bowl and if Belichick did what was best for the team instead of his ego they likely have another ring. They both needed each other. While a Pats-Bucs Super Bowl this year would be the ultimate test I don't think we're gonna see that. Like many others, I assumed since they've made it this far they'd stay together until the very end. Especially when the shine of their 6th championship together was still glistening in the rear view; just 13 months ago. 
Social distancing after their 9th AFC championship together??I
I've tried to transition my sports fandom into one of apathy the last decade or so; mainly to counteract getting so upset/disappointed by a fucking game. Believe me, I know how dumb it is to get so emotionally invested. (the last month+ with Mookie and now this has forever altered me) Despite all the glaring red flags staring me in the gullet, I never thought Brady would actually leave. My childhood is officially ending at 28. This chapter is over. The one thing from my youth that still was whole is gone. Because of that, this has hit me like a ton of bricks. SORRY! It just adds fuel to this "fuck everything rn fire". I never even entertained the thought that he could be the one who ends this relationship. Even with my fucked up real life experiences with family, love and marriage; I figured they'd find a way to make it work. Silly me.
In the days since the news broke. the dust isn't' settling; it's more of a nuclear fallout trying to process this reality. I've beaten this point to death, but the dude has been the quarterback of my favorite team since i was IN FOURTH GRADE. I'M ALMOST 30. I'm supposed to act like it doesn't affect me emotionally? Why? To look cool in front of people who don't care about me? This fucking sucks, and I'll go to my death believing it didn't have to happen. The world doesn't need to be as shitty as it is and I think that's why I get so down. Everybody is at fault, because like most business ventures; greed and ego ultimately got in the way. When you see the specks of the deal it makes the decision sting even more.
Being a Pats fan living in New England, I know a fair share of Patriot fans. The reactions have been divided, which isn't surprising.
You have fans that stand with Brady and fans that stand with the organization. Some will support him in Tampa, while others are ready to burn jerseys, scream greed and ego at the legacy of Tom Brady. All reactions are valid; here's how I really feel and am processing this transaction.
As social media continues to change the way we process reality, we learn more and more about people. The lines that used to protect the general public from how the provable sausage gets made in any industry are blurred by the day. There's more access to not just information, but education than even 20 years ago. Your views start to alter; or at least they should.
When I was a kid, I had no idea how the real world works. I still don't, but it's like before I was driving with a completely frosted over windshield. At least now there's a little hole so I can drive and make my own decisions. 
I hated Johnny Damon for picking the Yankees after he said he never would. As I've gotten older I've learned how business works and how shitty employers treat the people who make them money. You gotta look out for yourself. 10 years ago if Brady left for more money I would've bashed him until the free-range cows came home. Now at 28, I can see why, despite their success that Brady would want to leave Bill Belichick; as much as it pains me to admit.
The wanna-be enlightened sports fans will say "you should be happy" for the years you had or that "he doesn't owe you anything". These type of people need to get thrown into a volcano ASAP. Like can we just get off our high horse for two seconds? Obviously Tom Edward Patrick Brady, Jr doesn't owe me or you shit. I'm not that obtuse, but It doesn't make this suck any less. I want to be mad at him for leaving, but can you really blame him? He did everything right for 20 years and still gets sort of shafted. When you only have a few years left you want make the most of those year and play for a team that is going to pull out all the stops for you. Not ask for pay cuts and let premiere talent walk out the door. What's so weird about it is that Brady will be fine. If anything outsiders will probably like him more. Some fans may be mad now, but whenever he retires the Patriots will welcome him back with open arms. He'll sign the one day contract. They'll suck his dick so hard it'll look like a dehydrated banana. The ceremonies and videos will be nauseating, but necessary. The documentaries will be amazing. I cannot wait for Belichick to write a tell all....It's all going to happen, but I'm sorry Brady's legacy is forever altered. He could've had the one team career. Instead his ego leads him to scuzbag Tampa. In a way he is forever a Patriot, even if he doesn't play for the Patriots for forever. It's like if your spouse that you absolutely love and would do anything for left the family for like two years to go get all the fucking out of their system from the chambers of monogamy. You could be bitter and burn bridges; call them a whore. Make it really ugly. Go full send on the divorce papers. Or you can left them go do their thing; get it out of their system. Share them with the world. Then after when they realize communal living and thurples never work; you get them tested and welcome them back with open arms. Tampa Bay is Tom Brady's mistress with big fake tits and an ass built by a physical trainer. Sure she's a lot of fun in the sheets. Then you start talking to her and you realize there's nothing in her brain except and drink recipes and the memories of her dad who wasn't there. Yeah busting huge loads on her tattoo of a butterfly is rad, but eventually you get tired of meaningless fucking. After about 26 months of this you want to sit back on the couch with a beverage and just have a chill conversation about the moral dilemma that was dropping the atomic bomb, not once, but twice in World War II. Are you really going to be able to have that conversation with Tampa Bay? Does Tampa Bay even know there was a war? When you're ready to talk leaflets and lasting effects; New England will be waiting with open arms and shot of penicillin.
To say life comes at you fast would be an understatement of the century, given the current status of the world. Two weeks ago, life was simple. I was showing up to work everyday, contemplating eating 43 McDonald's hamburgers to get some Barstool eyes on DOL. Just livin'. Today I am finally getting a chance to recap everything that went down leading up to Burger Day (3/7/2020) and the days since in the middle of a Wednesday since schools are shutdown due to a world-wide pandemic.
I guess we should start at the beginning. On March 2nd, 2020 the prospect of Dave "El Pres" Portnoy eating 43 Burgers for his 43rd birthday arose on Picks Central (a barstool radio show).
This all was tied into Dave's 43rd birthday and the upcoming "Good Vibes Only" tour for March Madness. Remember that? It shows you how much the world has changed these last two weeks. Another excuse why I haven't been able to write this blog until now!
After weighing the pros and cons with friends, family and my mental health professional, I decided I would attempt this challenge. The goal was simple; use my evil "talent" that's normally reserved for my driver seat or bedroom for good in hopes of getting eyeballs on my blog, my writing, my social media and of course myself. I have plenty of experience in food challenges. I've been saying for years how much I want towork for Barstool. No need to fluff this blog with all the backstory, but I often lay in bed at night thinking about how I haven't truly done all I could. You can always put in more effort. I grind, but I'm human. I have flaws. I can do nothing for hours and be completely content. I know could write more than I do, I look back at times when my depression was at it's worse where I barely wrote. I get mad at myself for not "powering through", when we all know sometimes it's just not possible. I've just been really apprehensive to put myself out there in fear of the effects on my actual paying job. For me, substitute teaching is a living hell, but it's a hell I to endure with. Gotta be able to afford to survive. Plus the flexibility it gives me while I pursue my Barstool dream makes getting harassed by 13 year olds all worth it. The whole "one leg in the teacher pants, one leg in the blogger (jogger) pants" thing was making it impossible for me truly succeed at either. I've known for a long time that teaching is not how I want to make a living. I've lived scared. I haven't taken the necessary risks in life to get where I want to go. 27+ years of that playbook wasn't working. It's time to implement a new system. That's when I dropped this video on my IG (@dozonlife). Most of this was filmed in the parking lot of my therapist's office because I just went straight from work and had 45ish minutes to kill while I waited. 2010-19 Dozo would've just taken a nap or fucked around on his phone.
You can see how good I was looking when I was chowing that first practice burg. The damage I've done to my physical appearance from these burgers/days afterwards is no bueno.
After that there was no turning back. I was all in. It's crazy to think where my week went. I had just started the shakes again to lose the Christmas/Patriots wild card round loss weight I gained after my cleanse ended in mid-December that very morning. I was debating between taking my lunch shake or just starting to train that day. I had kept saying I was going to start back up and would keep pushing it back.
My battle food/weight/me is something I've very open about. I'm sure there were lots of people confused why the hell I was putting myself through this sort of potential health risk/physical pain? Especially after how vocal I've been in the past. Two words: Calculated risk. ​
So by the 4th it was settled. I was doing this thing. With multiple days to plan I figured it wouldn't be that big of a deal. I eat, we film it and put it online. Not exactly rocket science. Boy was I wrong. It wasn't a failure by any means, but I just think there was so much more stuff we could've done had there been an ounce of planning. I fucked up big time with organization. We should've had every burger in a thread on twitter. Oh well. Learning curve!
The chaos made the day fun. I cannot thank the people who came out to watch enough. It's wild to think people would actually dedicate put of their Saturday to watch me to do this. A lot were friends, a few were family, but there was a decent chunk of people I've never met before in my friend Sean's house watching me shovel burgers down my throat. Fucking wild! They all helped make the day what it was. I wouldn't have been able to do it with out them. An even bigger thanks goes to my friends who actually helped make this day happen. Those who filmed, held things, got me water, laughed at shitty jokes, didn't leave after I projectiled on a burger and ate it (after rinsing it off), helped get the burgers, let me go to their house/bar and other things I'm surely forgetting as I try to finish this blog by the time CCK starts to finally follow up Jake's call.
The organization could've been better. I wish I could just post burgers 1-43 but the reality is I ate every single one of those burgers. Here's the incomplete countdown!
Most of the day we were at my best friend/ebro Sean's house. Without him the day would not have been possible. He will receive just compensation when I make it. Thank you Seanny for the 34820380284th time. Danielle is in the same boat. They deserve at least 5% of the credit ;)
After picking up the burgers around 11:45 am we drove back to Sean's to start crushing at high noon. I started eating burgers 1 and 2 the moment my car clock struck noon. I had two burgers (4.65% of the challenge) down before even leaving my vehicle. This was filmed shortly after I got inside, just posted a little later.
Sriracha was my worst call of the day. I don't know wtf I was thinking? Actually yes I do; I've watched A LOTTTT of Man V. Food over the years. It used to be on Netflix a few years back. Adam Richman said in challenges like this it's important to keep your pallet entertained. I figured it'd help break up the dryness.
​
For burgers 11-14 we went to the Ocean Mist.
I still can't believe that old guy reading the paper. Talk about not giving a fuck. There's literally two dozen people around you screaming at some fat fuck loser eating cold burgers and he just kept reading the paper. Outside on a windy day mind you! Elite IDGAFness from that guy. I said something to him at one point and he didn't even give me the time of day. Just kept reading. Unreal.
At this point in the day I had gone from an amazing pace (10 burgers in 1:17) to four burgers in about two hours. Your boy was slowing down for sure. As I write this and try to recap that day in my mind it's really hard to remember every burger. I had less than 3 drinks throughout the day and did take like 4 hits from the end of a joint because nobody wanted to hit it after me (understandable), but I was in a haze. I was food drunk. So much stuff was going on, thank God for video.
Burgers 20-21 are where the Kobayashi method was implemented to help me gain a little of the momentum I had to start the day. It helped! (sorry the footage is so shitty)
This is when we realized just save every live and post later. Would've been much easier to do this from the jump instead of having to screen grab videos.
Picking up burgers 26-35.
My Instagram live of burger #30.
27-29 is my favorite footage of the entire day, so of course that's one that IG took down for copyright infringement despite clear use of parody law. I will find a way to post it and add it to this blog in post.
Burger 33
We went back to McDonald's to grab the final Burgers then bounced around a party, Sean's and a bar to finish the night.
Burger 39
Burger 42
Burger 43!
I finished up at my local watering hole; Pelly's Place for Burger 43. It was amazing. I was actually going to finish. When I wasn't even at 20 I felt like the odds were against me. Just the type competitor I am, I suppose? I would not have made it through the day without music!!! Burger 7 is all-time.
Last Wednesday my buddy called into CCK on Barstool Radio to talk about the challenge.
Kayce was not a fan of the Doz man!!
I am going to attempt to call into CCK today. I tried last week, but that whole sports stopping/pandemic thing sort of took the wind out of my sails. Felt like a bad time to call and be like hey guys did you see me eat 11,000 calories?
Was it worth it? We'll find out. My IG has gained nearly 100 followers. This blog still needs a little TLC, but I'm going to try to call into CCK rn and need this posted. #HireDozo
At the very least they know my name!
P.S.
​I LOVE THIS GUY
I'm saying there's like a 32% chance the world ends in the upcoming weeks/months. I've seen the data/made up my own. It's definitely not ideal, but it's a reality we all have to face. Just like the reality that TB12, Tom fucking Brady actually chose to leave the New England Patriots and join the hapless TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS. 0-26 to start. 14 straight losing seasons back in the day. No playoffs since 2008. Those Bucs. When something like that happens you know the equilibrium of reason is askew and the end of days is (potentially) near.
Like a free American, I exercised my right to drown my sorrows in (12) Bud Light Platinums and highlights from the cornucopia of Super Bowl appearances (9) Brady led the Patriots to over the years (20;18 as a starter). March 17th, 2020 was a fantastic day! 
I'm not gonna sugar coat it. I'm not handling this news well. You could mix in the word "poorly". I just never believed he would actually leave. I'm a romantic. I thought all parties would find a way to make it work. I mean Brady IS the Patriots. I can't believe he chose to leave even though it makes all the sense in the world in some ways. He was not treated fairly for all he's done for that team and region. This just isn't fucking right. It didn't have to be this way. I thought this was all media hype during the boring-season of the year (sound familiar?) I'm just hurt and feel stupid; partly for getting so worked up about this as a grown fucking man. But damn, can I be a human and not have to justify my feelings for like 73 hours please?
We all deal with pain in different ways. If you've been reading this blog at any point in the last 1482 days you know I like to laugh the pain away; almost immediately. Too soon does not exist. This deepfake of Brady and Edelman as Doug and Jim/Gem from The Town (2010) is just as nearly perfect as the 2007 Pats.
If only it wasn't censored/"in the grasp" was enforced back then.
As a whole, I think the internet leans a little hard on ripping footage from movies/tv/music for references in jokes at times.
Don't get me wrong, it's definitely easier than being 100% original. I do it all the time. They can make or break a post. But damnit, if there was ever a time, and ever a scene to use, this is about as perfect as perfect gets. The fact that he's leaving for Florida. I mean come on!! *chef's kiss* this is a beautiful piece of creativity.
Despite my heartache and already seeing a hacky version of the video with "Brady" and "Edelman" written under their faces on the original scene, I have to tip my cap. The addition of terrifying technology puts this over the top. Regardless how're feeling about TB12 I hope that clip can make you laugh for a second during this medium-key state of "holy fuck the world is ending". 
I don't fucking get it man. Call me an idealist.
I know the writing has been on the wall for months. Brady pulled the kids from school, they sold their house, he's active on social media, blah, blah, blah. Now on March 17th, 2020 the reality is this: Tom Brady is no longer the QB for the New England Patriots. I really never thought this day would come, not like this.
I really thought Kraft had the balls/heart to do the right thing. Silly me for believing in him. Ever since I was in 4th grade there has been little, if any consistency in my life. I've moved a dozen times, made and lost countless friends, completed my entire education; I've grown up. With the exception of the 2008 season and first month of 2016, Tom Brady was my quarterback, he was your quarterback, he was our quarterback. He's been THE quarterback of the New England Patriots for essentially my entire conscious life.
I knew this day would come eventually, but honestly never like this. How can they let Tom Brady; the face of the New England Patriots spend his final days with some loser, scum organization. This is it? Even with all the warning signs and knowledge of how the Patriot's handle business. I'm shocked. I made the mistake of thinking a business would use emotion and logic for a moment. I am so fucking angry right now I better just stop. Ego and greed will be the end of mankind. ****UPDATE**** it appears Brady is the one who chose this. Wtf is going on? Up is down, down is up. Everybody is to blame. I can’t say I completely blame Tom for wanting out based on how the team has been built and the control he wants but like wtf why couldn’t all parties figure something out? Maybe he simply wanted a change? Maybe Giselle was like the only way you can play is in LA? Idk I’m drinking 12 platinums and thinking of the good times. THIS BLOWSSSSSS!!! |
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