If someone offered me a chance to spin a roulette wheel where red got me hired by Barstool, black killed me and green made me formally apologize to John Henry for choosing saving 75 bucks over keeping Mookie Betts; I wouldn't hesitate to spin. It'd make for great content!
I don't say that to scare you, I say it to show you how much the blogging game means to me and how much I want to write for Barstool Sports. I've already showed I'm willing to sabotage my physique for the content game. I'd gladly take a less than 50-50 shot at my dream job with death, or even worse, formally apologizing to John Henry (Clay Frick) for picking profits over product on the line.
Despite what I just typed, sometimes after a long day of hating my life as the covid police at lunch duty in between being a nomadic-sub in a petri dish, I'm just too exhausted to be creative and need to decompress. With grades due at midnight and ya boi waiting until the last minute to finish "grading" lessons that I pay $33 a month for; tonight was one of those nights.
Then I got to thinking "Dozo, what happens when you're interviewing sometime in the next 6-600 weeks and the good folks at Barstool Sports are looking at the internet archives and see that you said NOTHING formally on DOL about a topic that went viral today; a topic that might as well have tagged @dozonlife in the tweet since it's so tailor made for you?"
That's when I knew it was time to open up the ole laptop and get to work. If there's one thing I love more than music, it's fake music from tv and film. I knew I had to give my two cents to my maaaaybe eight readers; even though I already gave an answer on twitter dot come to my nearly 100 followers.
Now I'll be the first to admit my depth of knowledge with mainstream TV and Movies could be better. The first R rated movie I ever saw in theaters was Deuce Bigalow European Gigolo. Your Top 10 list could very well be 10 different songs from mine. Hell, mine could be too in the next 24 hours. I can't even remember what I fake taught to kids who don't speak the same language as me eight hours ago. This Top 10 List is more of the WatchMojo variety top 10; where if I look back in a few days and think "how the hell did I forget ___________?" I can always release a follow up blog "ANOTHER Top 10 Fake Songs of All Time".
But until then, as of well past 10 pm on November 23rd, 2020 here's the DOL Top 10 Fake Songs of All Time. This really could just be a list dedicated to the work of Fred Armisen and Bill Hader, so I limited to only two songs from Documentary Now! Enjoy!
Honorable Mention: "My World is Over" Diane Dane (That Thing You Do)
Absolute shame there's no video to accompany this fake classic from the Playtone Galaxy of Stars. Sorry Del Paxton, but this is the only non-Wonder song from That Thing You Do! worth paying homage. I know every word.
10. "Ring Around The Rosie" Jackie Q (Get Him To The Greek)
In a movie full of fantastic music, I could've easily picked "Furry Walls", "The Clap", even "African Child", but you're gonna get those from your mom and pop blogs. In the eyes (or ears) of Ole Dozo the title of funniest/best/most worthy of this list song from Get Him To The Greek is talking about Jackie Q's asssss hole.
9. "Sweet Victory" Bikini Bottom Superband (Spongebob Squarepants)
"Nostalgia, its delicate, but potent"- Don Draper.
When I watched the Spongebob Squarepants pilot live as a young boy who only knew pilots as the people who flew airplanes, I would've never guessed it'd still be on television as I approach 30 years old (12.5 months; gross). Like most middle schoolers of the early-mid 2000's, I was OBSESSED with Spongebob. In the days before Youtube finding this episode on TV was a real treat. My mom probably has a VHS tape of this song in a storage unit somewhere.
8. "3 Small Words" Josie & The Pussycats"
I saw this movie in theaters when pop punk hadn't even hit its peak yet. Josie & The Pussycats still holds a special place in my heart to this day; I almost watched it on HBOMax this weekend, but ultimately went with the Social Dilemma on Netflix (lots to still unpack there) because I felt like ruining my night. I referenced this song back when COVID was just a baby back in March and ended up listening to the Josie soundtrack ("Pretend To Be Nice" is fantastic too) enough that it'll register on my Apple Music 2020 Replay.
7. "Rock Got No Reason" School of Rock (School of Rock)
I JUST watched this within the last week at my grandmas, so it's somewhat fresh in my mind, but it would've made the cut regardless. You can talk about how "great" Lebron James is until you're blue in the face, but look at this cast for a second. Most don't even have wikipedia pages!
What kid other than Miranda Cosgrove accomplished anything of note (pun somewhat intended) after SOR? Jack Black dragged this cast of nobody child actors to the highest grossing musical comedy of all time (until 2015) and a stint on Broad-way **Gil Faizon voice**. Whenever I see that ass hole dad who bought his son a guitar, but refused to let him play ROCK and the almost problematic trope of an Asian father share that moment of "maybe, I'll accept my son for who he his?" a tear rolls down my cheek like that definitely problematic Indian from the 70's.
6. "Day Man" From the Stage Adaptation of Nightman Cometh (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia)
One of the best episodes from one of the best shows of the last 20 years. What more needs to be said? How about?
"DiD yOu KnOw ChArLie AnD tHe WaItReSs ArE mArRiEd iN rEaL lIFe?"
5. "Holiday Party (I Did a Little Cocaine Tonight)" Co-op The Musical (Documentary Now)
In one of the few (possibly only??) episodes of Documentary Now! that features neither Armisen or Hader, Co-op the Musical is one of the most John Mulaney concepts of all time and IMO one of the best episodes of this entire series. I had a span this summer while I was ub**in where I'd listen every song from this episode multiple times a night. Christmas Tips is a must listen, but this round (thank you elementary school music class) should've won an Emmy. Speaking of School on Rock on Broad-way, that dude with the sideburns played Dewey Finn.
4. "Dracula's Lament" Peter Bretter (Forgetting Sarah Marshall)
It's getting kind of hard to believe I'm ever gonna be #HireDdozo, but when I finally stop being such a living-in-my-yeaaad-anxiety-boi and email Coley we will all have a good laugh and reminisce on the struggle to get to my ultimate goal.
3. "Catalina Breeze" The Blue Jean Committee (Documentary Now!)
Thank God for Sausage School or else we would've never gotten this taste of California straight out of Chicago. In this season one episode of Doc Now! that parodies The Eagles, we are introduced to the Blue Jean Committee and get to bear witness to not only 20ish cameos from LEGIT musicians like Kenny Loggins and HAIM, but fake music that is hashtag actually good. It's shame they had to play that Meat is Murder festival (spoiler alert) and break up at their peak. Fred Armisen is a genius and even though he wasn't a super good husband to Peggy, he'll always be one of my favorite SNL alum. Fun fact: Bill Hader can actually play the bass!
2. "PoP! Goes My Heart" PoP! (Music and Lyrics)
I am not so secretly huge fan of 80's new wave and this 2007 rom com. When it comes to music from movies "Pop! Goes My Heart" will get stuck in your head like gold and siilllllver.
1. "That Thing You Do!" The Wonders (That Thing You Do)
Obviously, I'm going to pick the greatest fictional rock band of all time. I LOVE That Thing You Do! and fundamentally don't believe the Wonders were actually one hit wonders because the music is just too good. "Dance With Me Tonight", "Little Wild One" and "Only in My Dreams" are all great, but this song is so good that it charted in the Top 40 (peaked at #24). Did that technically make it real? I'm not sure, but it's now 11:23 PM pre-proofreading and I have to be up in less than eight hours to tell the urban youth to please pull up their mask while constantly prefacing it with "I'm not trying to break your balls, buuuut" when in reality I'd tell any student, at any school the same in the midst of a pandemic that only seems to be getting worse :)
What's your favorite fake song? Mix in a comment below.
I had a few crispy boys watching the #TooManyLegs Teaser and Patriots drop to 4-6 so I'll make this quick.
Jayson Tatum is going to be a Boston Celtic for the foreseeable future. LET'S. FUCKING. GO!!!!
After the Red Sox traded future Hall of Famer Mookie Betts for an iPhone 5s and stale loaf of bread like absolute shortsighted idiots, I was worried the Boston Celtics would do something similar if they weren't able to retain 19 year old Jayson Tatum's services longterm. I did not want to see another young Boston superstar (in the making) end up traded for ha'pennies on the dollar; especially after falling for him like Graham fell for Amanda in The Holiday. He just needs to know when to pass!
Clearly Wyc Grousbeck realizes when you draft and develop an elite talent it makes much more sense to reward them for being great at their job instead of throwing them away like spoiled milk.
Sure, the Patriots lost to the Texans, the Week 11 #TooManyLegs teaser is JFK dead, and I have lunch duty in 17 hours, but Jayson Tatum and Jaylen Brown are both locked up for the next four years. I'm actually cool with Gordon leaving; let those two get more touches and develop into one of the best 3-4 combos in the NBA. I like the Thompson and Teague signings and LOVE the Celtics draft. Now the most important piece of the roster is locked up for the next half decade. It's a great day for Boston sports.
After starting the season 3-0 overall and 24-0 on legs, you could say I've cooled off significantly as the #TooManyLegs Teaser is now 4-5; legs are 58-13-1.
Week 2 and 3
Week 5 (booo Bengals)
Week 7 (Week 7 victory recap)
The days of saying #TwoManyLegs Teaser had LITERALLY never lost feels like 50 years ago. Sure, I could make excuses and say that 4-5 is still pretty fucking good for an 8 leg teaser that pays +1000 (even better if you're offshore) by someone who isn't even playing fantasy football this year and in the midst of 1/3 life crisis, but I'm not gonna do that. 1-5 in our last 6 is the reality of this situation.
To steal from one of my future boss' twitter bio and Samuel Becker:
I've failed you, the DOL readers, five of the last six weeks; good for 83.33333333% of the time. I certainly have tried and failed again and I'm not gonna stop now. One day I'll stop being such a giant pussy and email some samples to Coley, but today we get back to .500!!!
Here are the legs of the DOL Too Many Legs Teaser of the Week (Week 11).
Falcons/Saints OVER 43.5 (from 49.5)
Since Raheem Morris took over for Dan Quinn in Week 6 the Falcons are 3-1 and averaging over 30 points a game. If it wasn't for Todd Gurley scoring when he shouldn't have against the Falcons they'd be 4-0, but we don't care about that. What matters here is that Falcons offense has figured things out the last month.
The Saints are without Drew Brees and somewhat surprisingly opted to start Taysom Hill over Jameis Winston. Last year the Saints went 5-0 without Bree when Teddy Bridgewater filled in, so many people assumed this year if Brees went down again that Jameis would fill that role and Taysom Hill would remain the Swiss Army Knife of this offense.
I can't say I'm too shocked here. I like Jameis and it'd be fun to watch him play again, but you kinda know who he is (although he did get Lasik, so maybe not?). The Saints gave Taysom Hill 16 million guaranteed and with Drew Brees likely retiring after the season they need to know like Marc Anthony if Taysom is an NFL QB or a Mormon Tim Tebow who has an easier time buying scissors.
I am so excited to see this game and have no idea what to expect in terms of victory, but I do expect points even though Taysom Hill is making his first career start and only has attempted 18 passes the last three years. When you can tease down to below that special 44 total with offenses like this, even with the uncertainty in Hill, with the Saints weapons and the Falcons being the Falcons I think we can break that magic 44 point threshold.
Patriots +3.5 (from -2.5)
Tom Brady may be gone, but the Patriots still own the Houston Texans. They are their daddies, I don't care if they actually beat the Pats last year on SNF. That team had DeAndre Hopkins and a heartbeat, this team is 2-7 and going nowhere fast.
Meanwhile, the Patriots are 4-5, 10th in the AFC and still in the thick of the AFC wild card hunt. The strength of the Pats is running the ball and the Texans have statistically the worst rushing defense in the NFL (allowing over 167 yards/game). Obviously I'm biased as a Pats fan, but I think this team has found their identity and should be able to expose the Texans greatest weakness. Should something crazy happen we still have Texans by a field goal insurance at Pats +3.5.
Packers +8 (from +2)
This game is a true crapshoot as both of the teams teams records will tell you they're good, when the eyes may say otherwise. Can they Packers hold up against a physical team like the Colts who boast the league's best defense? Can the Colts beat a good football team? I'm truly not sure, but gun to my head I think Aaron Rodgers can keep the Packers within a score of the Colts. I might even sprinkle GB ML.
Bengals/Football Team OVER 41.5 (from 47.5)
In a match up of two win teams, both are actually not as awful as you'd expect. I love both of these QBs and think that we'll end up somewhere around 26-23 which is clearly over 41.5 points. I was riding both of these teams in the early, successful days of Too Many Legs so I need to pay my respects.
Titans/Ravens OVER 44 (from 50)
In a rematch of the Divisional Round, both teams are desperate for a win to stay in the AFC's Top 7, neither defense is playing well, I think we're going to see a ground and pound shootout. Yes that's possible!
Vikings -1 (from -7)
I don't love betting on the Vikings, but the Cowboys have allowed the most points in the NFL and I just don't see anyway on earth the Cowboys can outscore the Vikings (as long as Kirk Cousins doesn't turn the ball over more than twice).
Dolphins +2.5 (from -3.5)
When the Dolphins benched Fitzmagic at 3-3, I was one of the many people who thought they were giving Tua the keys too soon. Clearly I was wrong; Miami has won three straight with Tua and six overall. I love what Miami is building (Flores is my coach of the year pick as of now) and the Broncos are dead ass one of the worst teams in the NFL. No over thinking here, the Dolphins win outright.
Chiefs -1.5 (from -7.5)
The Chiefs only loss of the season was to the Raiders in Week 5. Afterwards the Raiders had a little victory lap in the KC parking lot. This is what you call a revenge game. Andy Reid is like 49-6 all time coming off a bye (actually 18-3) and like I just said 2 seconds ago; REVENGE GAME. Chiefs will kill the Raiders tonight or at least win by more than 2 points to close out a great bounce week for the teaser.
Good luck and always bet responsibly.
On my way home from work after another wasted week of my life as a babysitter/janitor/COVID police...
...I saw a jeep with the vanity plate "NYY 27" and said out loud to myself "look at this bald, piece of shit, Yankee fan douchebag". While I may no longer identify as a Red Sox fan, I'll always hate the Yankees and what they represent.
One of the most annoying things about that fanbase (besides rooting for Duke, the Lakers and the Cowboys) is how they constantly scream "27!" in reference to their 27 World Series wins that include 10 from before baseball was integrated and another 10 prior to 1963 (three full years before the first Super Bowl) whenever they have clearly lost a debate that requires an ounce of thought or wit.
I don't really understand bragging about championships that happened before you were alive. I'm sure I did it with the C's in my youth, but my brain wasn't fully developed yet, so I get a free pass. Yeah, I'd wear a throwback 1976 NBA Champs shirt, but I certainly wouldn't start talking shit to Suns fans (if I knew any) about how they went down in six to Hondo, Cowens and the boys during America's Bicentennial.
It's cool to be a fan of a team who's historically one of the most successful in their sport; but guess what? I'm an almost 29 year old Celtics fan. So I've witnessed exactly one (1) of their 17 championships in my life. Timothy B. Schmitt didn't get a Grammy for "Lyin' Eyes" when he joined the Eagles in 1977. Unless you're over 40, you are in the same boat as Ole Dozo.
The legacy and history of this organization is among the best in all of the four major sports; there's no denying that. I love how the C's only fly NBA Championship banners.
But you know what? When you have only added one (1) banner to your collection in the last 33 years and teams like the Houston Rockets, Miami Heat and Golden State Warriors can claim more, it's kind of annoying and embarrassing to always be talking about all your championships that happened when there were still "colored" drinking fountains. We've been saying "It's all about 18" since I was a junior in high school. It's almost as embarrassing as this. We're one step below Yankee fans at this point living so far in the past. The New Jersey Devils have three times as many championships as the Celtics do since 1987. You don't see them turning their uniforms into the Stanley Cup.
It'd be one thing if the Celtics won the bubble cup or even held on to a 13 point third quarter lead in game 7 of the 2010 Finals. But to base your new "City Edition" alternate on something you've only accomplished once since Full Metal Jacket came out when you're becoming the 1970's Minnesota Vikings* of the Eastern Conference Finals just rubs me the wrong way.
I haven't even scratched the service of how visually unappealing these uniforms are. I won't take credit for this, but these are straight out of a "Hulu Has Live Sports" commercial.
Are these the worst Celtics uniforms of the last 10 years?
Not even a little bit.
But in short, ya boi Ole Dozo is not a fan!
These are the best Celtics alternates of my lifetime.
* the Purple People Eater Minnesota Vikings lost three Super Bowls in four years (1973, '74 and '76); four overall (1969 to the AFL champion Kansas Chiefs!)
Lets start this blog out by checking in on you, the reader. I know this year hasn't been easy on you, but I appreciate you still coming to DOL to support the boi. May I ask you a question?
Great, thank you.
What do you miss most about life pre-COVID?
Going to the movies with your best gal?
Cracking a cold one at a live sporting event?
Casual sex with a stranger within 50 miles of your exact location?
Whatever it may be, as long as it doesn't put other people's lives at risk, I feel you and hope you can do that activity real soon! I miss life before COVID like crazy, (wo)man.
Not to s my own d, but I was crushing it pre-COVID; I was talking to three different girls on various dating apps, weighed like 50 pounds less and got to interact with my friends in-person on a semi-regular basis. In short, I was totally diggin' this whole being alive thing.
As "the new normal" just becomes our daily reality, it can be easy to forget about the little things in life before COVID that made the human experience beautiful and worthwhile. Things like a spontaneous hug, gainful employment and cell phone footage of concerts.
If there's one thing that people are missing right now it's grainy, shaky, low quality cell phone footage from the GA lawn. No wonder why instagram keeps changing! They don't know how to live in a world without drunk 23 year old girls crying to Taylor Swift from the 400 level, so they just copied Tik Tok, but threw a store in the mix as well.
Without concerts due to COVID-19, by my estimations there hasn't been any new concert footage posted to instagram in over eight months. If the U.S. had shut down just a week later, I could've posted some Thundercat with me screaming "If you're not bringing tacos I suggest you start to walk away. Bitch don't kill my vibe" as I had tickets for March 21st, but it was not to be.
That's why I'm here to help bring instagram to its best self and support the arts. I know you miss seeing concert footage of a band you've never heard of just like everybody else, so please join me on Thursday November 19th in collaboration with #tbt in the Dozonlife.com #MyLastConcertChallenge on Instagram.
It's simple as the third track on Man on the Moon. It doesn't matter if you upload a 20 second snippet or 12 minute guitar solo; as long as you are clogging people's feed with concert footage (the grainier, the better) and tagging your post with #MyLastConcertChallenge you are helping support the arts. Besides, everybody is DYING to see the last concert you went to!
If you're curious and just can't wait to see the embed post on the bottom of this blog, my last concert was Mac DeMarco at the the Orpheum in Boston. I already had tickets for Thundercat and Boston Calling this year and am super bummed about missing both so I'm wicked excited to see what everybody posts. It's going to be marvelous, instagram chock full o'clips from the last concert people saw in what they likely never expected would be their last show for the foreseeable future.
Again, all you need to do is post a clip from the last concert you went to before COVID with the hashtag #MyLastConcertChallenge. These challenges have to start from somewhere, so it might as well be from your friend at Dozonlife.com. If people decide to donate to the artists and small venues that were hit hardest by COVID that definitely wouldn't suck. #HireDozo
The 2020 season has been a muffled breath of tainted air for Patriots fans. The loss of Tom Brady has highlighted roster shortcomings that the greatest QB in NFL history had normally been able to mask.
Now in TB’s absence they’re wearing Wal-Mart jerseys, Barstool wannabes are trying to sell getting excited about moving into 10th place, and in the ultimate penny-pinching negotiation tactic, the Pats chose to leave the NFL’s leading interceptor off the Pro Bowl ballot.
On the surface it doesn’t make much sense why the Pats would omit one of their most promising young players from documented league wide acclaim... until you do 27 seconds of research and see that it makes perfect sense.
The Patriots and Bill Belichick are notorious for low balling and coupon cutting when it comes to compensating employees so why would things change after striking gold with this undrafted free agent signing? Are the Pats trying to hurt JC’s case for a big deal this offseason by taking away one of his prime negotiating chips; a Pro Bowl berth?
When asked why JC was left off the ballot, a Patriots spokesperson said the following according to NESN:
“We listed the two cornerbacks who have started the most games at cornerback and who have the longest tenure, Jason McCourty (9 starts) and Stephon Gilmore (6 starts),” a Patriots team spokesperson told The Patriots Wire’s Henry McKenna.
While that statement is factual, Gilmore and McCourty do have more starts than JC’s four; both he and Jason McCourty joined the Patriots in 2018.
If starts are what matters most than I was the best stretch-5 in URI intramural basketball from 2011-2013 since I started every one of our games during a run that including three Final Fours and Fall 2012 championship while playing about 6 minutes per game.
JC Jackson might only have four starts, but he leads Patriot corners in downs played with 438 and the NFL in interceptions with 6. Reigning DPOY, Stephon Gilmore has missed three games and is on the ballot. The eye test tells you JC has been the Pats best CB in 2020 as well as the advanced metrics. (All via PFF)
I’m sure come contract time JC will hear the same spiel hundreds of players have heard before him: the Patriots (under Bill Belichick) don’t play for Pro Bowls, they play for Super Bowls.
This is such a part of the organization’s philosophy that they’ve actively avoided drafting a single Pro Bowler since 2013.
There isn’t even a Pro Bowl this season and most football people will tell you it’s a joke now and All-Pro honors matter much more, but the Pro Bowl is about recognizing the game’s best players. Through nine games J.C. Jackson has earned the right to at least be in the conversation of Pro Bowl Cornerbacks with his lead leaguing 6 interceptions; highlighted by 5 straight games with an INT.
I don’t know JC, but it’s human nature to want to be recognized for stellar performance, I can’t imagine he’ll forget about this stunt come contract time, but as we know the Patriots have zero issue cutting ties with a player “too soon rather than too late”. Maybe Bill wants him to leave to gain a first rounder? It sure wouldn’t be a bad return on an UFA they took a risk on and won a Super Bowl with.
Luckily this wrong has been righted as during the time I blogged this in between my lunch and free period break JC was added to the Pro Bowl ballot, but this is something to keep in your tickler file come spring time.
No malicious intent?
Sorry for the change in format that you may have not even noticed. Since I blogged this from my phone during school I didn’t embed tweets the old fashion way or link sources and even after I catch typos they’re nearly impossible to fix. #HireDozo
You never know where the next blog is going to take you, but (titi) boi am I excited to bring you on this unexpected journey.
Allow me to walk you through how I got here: Immediately after posting my latest blog "I'm Sorry For Having Unrealistic Body Expectations, but This is Unacceptable" on my @dozonlife IG story, I clicked on one of my friend's stories and came across a posting of American rapper 2 Chainz latest video "Can't Go For That" off his latest album So Help Me God!
I'm admittedly not a huge rap guy, but with a thumbnail like this I had to click and see what's good.
Titi Boiiiiiiiiiii am I glad I did!
This video is fucking incredible!
Lil Duval and 2 Chainz x 7 (?) are absolutely hilarious in this, let's call it 1978 lookin' video.
I am sooooo happy to see someone in contemporary music paying homage to one of my favorite artists of all time, Hall and Oates. 2 Chainz is not just entertaining here, but he's teaching as well. I wouldn't mind seeing a Fleetwood Mac like uptick to Darryl and John's catalog after this usage, but idk if this is gonna put up random dude drinking Cranberry juice on a longboard type numbers.
We all know how much I fucking love cross-genre covers, and while this isn't exactly a cover, it's the next best thing as there's heavy "I Can't Go For That" samples and references in the lyrics. In this video 2 Chainz does his best Andre 3000 in Hey Ya! playing every character in the band. If you have a sense of humor and ears you will enjoy this video. I am happy to announce there will be at least one rap song on my best of 2020 music blog in December!
Who's your favorite Toni? Mine is Fat Toni, dude is str8 VIBIN with that pillow gut and glasses chain. (I hate how youtube autoplay suggestions ruin screen shots).
Remember when you were watching the 2019 UEFA Champions League Final between Liverpool and Tottenham Hotspur and some gorgeous blonde in a black one-piece shoved so far up her cookie & b-hole that it nearly sliced her in half like two women were claiming to be her mother stormed the pitch?
Well, that stunt that we all vividly remember gained @Kinsey millions of new instagram followers (and dollars). Ya boi Ole Dozo just happened to be one of them (followers, not dollars); purely so I'm on the ready to reference her next stunt in a blog a year and a half from now.
Normally, I've had minimal complaints with her posts, I'd even call myself a fan, but today I just had to put my foot down. I get it, women are over-sexualized and under-valued in our society. They are expected to maintain unrealistic body expectations that are impossible to achieve, but that doesn't mean it's okay to act like you grew up in the wild.
I want to apologize ahead of time for what you are about to see, it may disgust you, but it's my responsibility...scratch that; it is my job as an amateur-professional blogger to inform people about what's going on in the world and give my personal opinions. I saw something today that is as natural as holding in a fart on the first date, but that doesn't mean it should be broadcast to the entire world to see. Are you ready? Because here it is:
I'm sorry for subjecting you to that, but it had to be done. Posts like this send a horrible message to our impressionable youth and have to be addressed. I know women don't have it easy, but a post like that is simply irresponsible.
It's really hard to be a parent nowadays. I'm not one, but I have average-to above average empathy skills and want you to know I feel for you. I can't imagine how difficult it is. How do you tell your high school aged son or daughter to not smoke pot with a straight face when they're pushing CBD deodorant at the neighborhood CVS? How can you get your kids to study for the SATs when 16 year olds are making millions playing video games on twitch? How are you ever going to get your kids to value good hygiene when instagram models with almost 4,000,000 followers are posting ass shots with feet that look like they were used to wipe said ass?
I'm not a monster. I've walked around the house barefoot a time or two million, I know easy it is for your feet to get grimy, but it's called having pride in what you do. How dirty was that mosaic tile?! Would this picture have gotten posted if Kinsey had a booger hanging out of her nose or spinach in her teeth? Doubtful! So why is okay to broadcast feet that look like Paulie Walnuts' after he lost his shoe in the woods?
I don't want to make any assumptions about this photo being doctored, but I highly doubt someone just shot this picture, didn't edit it and posted for 3.7 million people to see. It's just a shame to see someone not dedicated to their craft when they're so talented at it. Call me old fashion, but I like to see clean feet in pictures of gorgeous, unattainable women.
Oh what a difference six days can make! (I started this blog last night then passed out). This time last week the Patriots were 2-5 and in the midst of their longest losing streak since 2002 (still true even with the posting delay). Now they're 4-5 and for the Moment, still very much alive in the AFC playoff hunt.
Obviously 10 weeks into the season you'd prefer to not be below .500 and currently the AFC's 10 seed, but like Thundercat's most recent album It is What It Is.
With SIX teams currently at 6-3, the 7th playoff spot is still potentially there's to take. Sure, the Pats will have to gain two games and leapfrog at least two teams, but with 7 games left I can show you the way the Patriots still make the playoffs. There's still plenty of head-to-head matchups between teams ahead of them. The Titans are in a free fall (1-3 in their last 4) and still have to play the Ravens and Browns, who still have to play the Ravens and Steelers again. The Chiefs and Raiders play next week and the Patriots have the head-to-head tiebreaker with the Vegas/Oakland/L.A. Raiders. Plus the Pats still have to play Buffalo and Miami again and I'm sure there's at least one more head-to-head matchup that I'm missing...like the Colts and Titans 2nd matchup in week 12 and those red hot Miami Dolphins end the season with the Chiefs, Pats, Raiders and Bill. Okay one more, the Steelers and Bills play week 14. You have google access too, ya know?
As ugly as the Pats passing game has looked this year, Cam is 4-4 as a starter and is like four plays from 6-2 or even 7-1, but 4-5 is this team's reality. Given all the obstacles this team has faced this year it could be much worse. They're not 3-6 like most people were expecting!
The playoffs have felt like a formality the last 20 years and honestly it's kind of cool to be in this spot again. If there's one thing COVID has taught us outside of how selfish and stupid most of humanity is; it's that you shouldn't take anything for granted. I can admit I took winning the AFC East every year for granted, hell I haven't bought an AFC East Champs shirt since 2006 and you could argue it was embarrassing back then.
I then tried to move my Tebow eyeblack stickers from the 2008 Thanksgiving Game and ruined this photo from Home-EC of June that same year.
Don't get me wrong, winning Super Bowls is much better than plotting potential playoff paths like some lowly Vikings fan; but for a year or two, sure why not? Sometimes you gotta undercover boss it to remember how life hasn't always been this easy. You need a little rain to appreciate a 20 year double-dynasty.
For the first time in over a decade, the playoffs aren't a sure thing, but it's great to see this team not roll over and die. They're playing competitive football and dare I say could the Patriots be building something? I know Cam is looking like a single-wing tailback out there with 3 touchdown passes in eight starts, but this team has really responded to him as a leader. He's got a lame nickname for everybody on the team and if you can get him an NFL tight end, I say bring Cam back.
Gun to my head the Pats don't make it to the dance, but it's kind of cool for the regular season to matter and to be in this spot for once. It's like the Schitt's Creek of fandom. Had they lost last night I'd say the Pats playoff hopes were JFK dead, but with head-to-heads over the Dolphins (for now), Raiders and Ravens there's a few ways this could actually happen. I haven't even mentioned the potential 8th playoff seed if there's games cancelled due to COVID.
I do think the Broncos loss is going to ultimately cost the Pats the playoffs, but any night you beat the Ravens is a great night (even if you pussied out on Pats ML when you can easily afford to take the risk with the early success of #TooManyLegs) and for now they're still very much alive in the playoff race. I'm just glad this team is playing "meaningful" football which did not seem like something I would've been thinking after the 49ers game.
P.S. Pay J.C. Jackson NOW