On Sunday night like a lot of people in this region I was watching Game 6 of the Stanley Cup Final. I was with four of my cousins and one of their gfs at a Buffalo Wild Wings. Crushing Garlic Parm Boneless wings (hands down the best sauce available at BWW) as the Bruins were winning 1-0 in the 3rd period of a must win game.
S/o Marchand.
The mood was awesome and we were having a great time.
Then around 10 pm I got a notification saying David Ortiz had been shot in the Dominican Republic and everything changed.
Quickly my facade of giving a shit about the Bruins evaporated. I dove deep like Frédéric Dumas into my phone constantly looking for updates on Big Papi's condition. Refreshing twitter legitimately every 2 seconds. I felt badly about it because I wanted to be more present in the moment with my family, but I mean it's Big Papi. I couldn't believe what I was reading. I was terrified. Is David Ortiz seriously going to die? Why would someone shoot David Ortiz?? Why are people such fucking ass holes? Seeing it happened in the Dominican was even more shocking because Papi is literally a God to those people for all the good he's done for the community. At first we were told he was shot in the leg. In the moment all I was thinking about was get this dude to Boston where he can get real treatment, but I understand it's not entirely that simple. Normally a shot to the leg isn't fatal, but I would presume getting shot in the leg in a 3rd world country is a lot getting shot in the leg during the Civil War. After reading this tweet my heart sank as if it were attached to an anchor.
When it came out that he was actually shot in the back and it went through his abdomen I was a wreck. Threat level midnight. I'm no anatomy wiz, but that is just is so much more serious when you think of all the organs the bullet could've ripped through. He's already had his gallbladder removed. To think that someone would go after him in his homeland (we'll open that can of worms shortly) where he is responsible for soooooo much positivity was mind-boggling. Sadly the truth in this world is that it only takes one nut job to ruin everything.
Just the night before the shooting, I was at PVDfest with some friends when shots were fired. I heard them behind me and started really earning that (bull) Dozah nickname again. Luckily nobody was shot, but in the moment you don't fucking know that. You try not to live your life in constant fear, but it's hard to not nowadays. My friends and I somehow got into a crowd where let's just say... I did not feel at home. Plus we were packed to brim. It was a nightmare, I have wicked bad anxiety as it is and being a fat dude it's already amplified, I feel bad when I try to squeeze through and don't want to be up in up in people's mouths. Being stuck in a crowd where I feel trapped with no exit route is in my personal hell on earth. Literally seconds before the gunshots I said this is my fucking nightmare and some stranger overheard me and said "me too". You assume the worst, similarly to what happened Sunday. Sure it seems like David will be okay, but in the moment you don't know that. This world is a scary place and as fucked up as it is to think, PVDfest is a lunatic's wet dream. People are out just having a good time and extremely vulnerable. The same thing happened to David Sunday night. He was at a bar just talking to people, having a good time. Then some baby-back bitch shot him from behind. I bring that up because it made me reflect and take a step back on how quickly everything can be taken away. Don't call the cliché police but I just thought about how precious life is and that everyday is a gift. I'll be the first to admit I take way too much for granted and moments like Saturday and Sunday night really puts shit in perspective. You think nothing is going to happen to you, why would someone go after me? But as we've seen countless times in this country that totally innocent people are gunned down seemingly every hour. All this unnecessary violence makes me so damn angry. I fucking hate guns. What kind of world are we living in where someone like David Ortiz has a hit on his life? There were some instances of people saying things like "why go back?" or that Papi had been tipped off that he was in danger, but like he said on April 20th, 2013 "nobody gonna dictate our freedom". Depending on when I finish this blog we're essentially 48 hours after the news broke that David Ortiz was shot in the Dominican Republic. At first it was reported he was shot in the leg in a robbery, but we all know now what really went down. David was shot in the back by an absolute coward. I mean the elephant in the room is that he may have been fucking some drug kingpin's wife so there was a hit out on him. That's some serious shit, but I mean I know essentially nothing about the situation. It does make perfect sense as a motive, but regardless of what may or may not have happened leading up to the shooting I'm not going to judge or assume until all the facts are out. It appears (as of now) that David Ortiz is going to make a full recovery but I don't even like saying that until it's certain. What occurred Sunday night has me like many other people shook tf up. Pedro put it perfectly.
I overuse love a lot when it comes to sports and athletes but I legitimately love David Ortiz. (goodbye-big-papi.html) Papi is so much more than a baseball player, he's an icon. Keenan Thompson does him on SNL, how many other baseball players have been relevant on SNL the last 15 years? He's beloved by all, even Yankee fans (who felt they had to make sure they let you know they were a Yankee fan before tweeting that they hope he doesn't die).
I spent 2016 following his final season like a dead head. I wish I got to more games, but I was able to go to his final regular season game at Fenway. It was a horrible game and I'm pretty sure Papi went 0-5, but to be there for the ceremonies honoring his career and impact is something I'll always appreciate, especially since I got to experience it with my mom. Papi is the most clutch hitter in baseball history, and by all accounts a fantastic dude. (I'm a big anti-cheating guy, but with athletes and celebrities I feel like there's this gray area. It's a lot different when they cheat compared to like your uncle because they don't live in the real world)
What David did in 2013 for the city of Boston will never be forgotten. He helped Boston rally around the Red Sox during a tragedy and what he said at Fenway on April 20th, 2013 is how everybody felt.
I've said for years I think he's the most important player in Red Sox history and we cannot lose him yet. If you want to say Ted Williams was a better baseball player I'm not gonna argue with you. IMO when it comes to overall legacy and changing the entire culture of this franchise; David Ortiz is the first name that comes to mind.
Get well soon, Big Papi. There are so many people out there who love you. Stay strong.
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Oh June 5th, you have quite the history;
1968: Robert F. Kennedy was shot down by Sirhan Sirhan (would you believe he's still alive??) in the kitchen of the Ambassador hotel (RFK lived another 26 hours and died on the 6th so that's the official assassination date). 
S/o Rosey Grier
2017: Almost as tragic; Ke$ha's hug attempt on Jerry Seinfeld was shot down. One of my favorite weird internet moments of all time. Who would've ever guessed these two would cross paths this way? Jerry Seinfeld is definitely is NOT a hugger, and of course he didn't know who Kesha was. He's Jerry fucking Seinfeld. Jer isn't waking up in the morning feeling like P. Diddy (although I bet Diddy loves cereal too)
2019: On the 11th anniversary of (after getting stabbed) the most infamous moments of his career; Paul Pierce admits the wheelchair he used in Game 1 of the 2008 NBA Finals was because he had take a shit.
For those who somehow read DOL, but do not know of this moment and need some background:
Talk about total life altering news.
*to the tone of Bob the Builder* "Paul-the-poooo-per-ne-eds!-a!-wheel!--chair. Paul-the-poooo-per-just-came-cleannn." I don't know if I've ever related to one of my favorite athletes more than right now. As a hugeee shit at the absolute worst time(s) guy, I totally get it. Now whether Paul just needed an excuse to get to the bathoom...like NOW, I cannot move another inch without exploding OR if he had already made poopie in his diapie remains to be seen. Either way...it happens. Hand up I've had both. There are lots of people who don't want to it admit it, but most adults have had (at-least) one "I was not expecting that to be poop" accident. It's the worst. But what are you gonna do? I say laugh at it. Like the classic literary tale once said: Everyone Poops. Sure, in the moment it may not be easiest thing to do, and I'm sure that's exactly how the Truth felt. When it's happening all you can do is pray you make it to bowl. Really sucks for him back then the NBA was way more strict about wearing white at home. If the Celtics had on those fugly black jerseys maybe he could've gotten away more gracefully? I remember in the moment thinking "holy shit the series is over". I thought he blew out his knee. I was I was a sophomore in HS and lived and died with this team. The road to the finals had already been much rockier than expected. At the time I, like many people thought the captain andddddddddddd the Truth had a serious knee injury. We didn't know he'd return minutes later (weighing less!) For all these years people have speculated what was going on with the Truth. Wtf happened? Was he faking it? He looked as if he too had been shot down by full limp and needing the assistance of a wheelchair to get to the locker-room. HOLD UP WAIT A MINUTE.. IN BLOG BREAKING NEWS. PAUL IS BACK IN THE POOP CLOSET
I'm still running with it anyways!
 Nothing like a short and to the point headline to lead off. Five years is a longgggg time for the rumors to circulate, and oh did they ever during the Black Keys five year hiatus following the conclusion of their Turn Blue Tour. I know I wasn't alone in thinking they might be done for good.  With the Arkon/Nashville duo's 9th album "Let's Rock" set to come out in late June it was only a matter of time before they released a music video. At first it seemed like they were going full post-Ten Pearl Jam by releasing "Hi/Lo" and "Eaglebirds" without videos, but alas here we are. In case you were wondering, they know what people have been saying online about them with this story-line that's about as subtle as a punch in the face. ft: a fake Akron radio clip. The video starts with the Dan and Pat in therapy not talking about how they haven't talked in five years. Off to a healthy start already. I didn't recognize the guy playing the therapist, but he did a great job! The America's Sweethearts line stole the show. Since the video has legit credits like a movie I now know his name is Jesse James Locorriere and not only is he an American actor, but he's a proud father too! Which is great...but not exactly relevant on an IMDb page in my eyes. Maybe if you spent a little more time acting and a little less with the kids you'd be on wikipedia like someone who's made it?   After being given the option to break their silence or face the next stage of mediation we see the Keys in that classic Cadillac on their way to Happy Trails Intentional Community & Spiritual Retreat.  The Keys have been known to have some fun with videos in the past, most notably in 2010's "Tighten Up". While there were no pocket donuts in "Go" there were plenty of other fun things like: Doctorate Degrees  Soda! (maybe lay off cokes, Pat?)  Vanity Plates  And that's all barely before the song starts. We got drums outside.  We got drums inside.  Kevin Parker???  Sage Smudge (had to google)  A throwback 100% intentionally Chief Wahoo-free Indians Pennant.  Father Time?  Your now "retired" middle school English teacher.  Textbook passive aggressive behavior.  Karate  Karate gone wrong!  Psychedelics  The realization getting back together will line your pockets better than donuts.   What a video, the Black Keys are back! Let's Rock indeed. P.S. It's okay Pat. You're a dad now, it's to be expected. I know you're reading this and I was just kidding.
The final catch of Gronk's career ended up setting up the Super Bowl winning touchdown.
A few hours have passed since the news broke and I still can't believe it, even though it is a semi-expected move. It's a bummer and knowing it was likely coming doesn't make it any easier. I am sad to see one of my favorite athletes of all-time retire, and even with his fantastic career, there's still a huge "what if?" when it comes to #87 (and sometimes #69).
​
On a personal level, the timing of this announcement by Gronk is WILD. I was just talking about this very topic last night with my mom. I'm sorry guys, I feel like I'm partly to blame. We went to the Patriots HOF at Patriot Place (mom's in town for an unexpected visit from Florida) to check out the exhibit and grab some dinner. During dinner she asked me what was up with Gronk and if he was gonna retire or not? I told her I thought he was going to, but since he hadn't announced anything yet I figured he was coming back. (boy was I wrong) I told her that I was almost positive the Patriots announced they were under the impression he was returning. Plus I always held onto hope that Gronk would stay until Brady retires. 24 hours later Rob Gronkowski is retired. The news of this shouldn't come as a total shock. Gronk has been flirting with retirement for what feels like three years. His relationship with Belichick has seemed at times to be strained, and injuries have clearly taken their toll on him. I get why he's doing this. As much as it doesn't always feel like it 2011 was a very long time ago. He's taken an absolute beating. Gronk isn't the same guy anymore. Although in 2017 he showed that he was still an elite TE. 1st team All-Pro. This year there were flashes of his old self, but his role had significantly changed. He no longer was the focal point of the passing game. Gronk's ability to dominant at the line of scrimmage helped the Patriots shift to a more run heavy team and win Super Bowl LIII. The writing has been on the wall for some time, and after this exchange with Belichick right after winning the Super Bowl it seemed like Gronk was good as gone one way or another.
When healthy there has never been a more dominating tight end in NFL history. He could block like a linemen, catch like a WR and run like a semi-truck. It was like early 2000's Shaq where defenders had different rules when covering him. You could get away with more against Gronk because he's so big and dominating. I can vividly remember in the Edelman pass game against the Ravens in the 2014 playoffs there was a third down Gronk's arm-shield was getting blasted before a pass but it wasn't called cause you basically could do whatever you wanted to Gronk to try to stop him.
​ ​Whether he was catching touchdowns, throwin dudes out the club, or spiking footballs so hard that Tom Brady was accused of deflating them, Gronk was an absolute delight to watch. I feel like I'm doing him a disservice with this blog, but there will never be another Gronk (even though there are like 8 other Gronks)
Unfortunately for Gronk as the years went by, the injuries started piling up. Actually it started before he was even a a Patriot as he missed his final season at the University of Arizona due to a back injury. His 2011 season is IMO the greatest overall season a tight end has ever had. 90 receptions for 1327 yards and 18 total touchdowns. ​ I still can't fucking believe it's actually over. I need more time to truly marinate the magnitude of this and give Gronk the proper farewell blog he deserves. I'll get back to you in 3 weeks. ​P.S. I'm CRYING 
THERE YOU GO G-MEN!!!
This has to be the most shocked I've been at a move... in any pro sport in some time. I did not think this would actually happen. I cannot fucking believe the Giants actually just traded Odell Beckham Jr! I know there had been rumors that the Giants were sick of Odell, but after signing him to a 5 year extension less than a year ago I was not expecting him to get the ole Blake Griffin treatment. Not really too sure of what the G-men are doing? but tbh it pisses me off. I cannot stand the Giants for obvious reasons. It is so g damn annoying that they have been frankly a joke franchise for the better part of 20 years with the exception of 3 good months of football highlighted with Super Bowl wins at the Patriots expense. It's so frustrating. They are a joke, but also have the ultimate trump card over the greatest dynasty ever. And you throw in the NY-Boston shit. They went fucking 9-7 and won a Super Bowl. God damnit I'm not picking the scab right now... Let's just focus on the trade. Honestly wtf is this organization doing? I'm no econ major, but this doesn't seem like a good use of resources.
this tweet will for sure get deleted
While I am in the school of thought that elite, play-making, dynamic WR are not essential for winning a championship---they for sure help. And imo a 1st, 3rd and low key position-less draft bust are simply not enough return for someone like Odell.
As for the Browns?
Dude, they are gonna be a prob-lem this year. Look at this offense. I totally forgot about Kareem Hunt!
With the Steelers imploding and the Ravens letting their entire defense walk, and the Bengals being the Bengals, it looks like the AFC North could be the Browns for the foreseeable future. I still don't love their choice for HC, but with this talent and youth on offense the Browns are going to be a fun ass team to watch yet again in 2019. Landy and Odell. I didn't even realize they were college teammates when they were playing. Who tf was the QB then? I do not remember LSU from 6 years ago, sorry.
It's wild to think the lowly Browns could be the team to unseat the Patriots as kings of the AFC. What a story that would be from 0-16 to Super Bowl. After breaking news that the Chiefs just traded Dee Ford you never know? Browns fans sure do have a lot to be excited for. I'm sure nothing crazy will happen to ruin it. Defending Super Bowl Champion New England Patriots Lose Two Key Men in the Trenches via Free Agency3/11/2019 
A tradition unlike any other, the defending Super Bowl champion New England Patriots are losing key pieces in the free agency. The line play on both sides of the ball has taken a hit.
It should come as no surprise that both DE Trey Flowers and LT Trent Brown chose to leave the Pats in free agency. I think most knowledgeable Patriot fans would have assumed Trent Brown was as good as gone. He wasn't in the teams long-term plans. He was a solid replacement for Nate Solder this year, but let's not forget this team already drafted who they hope to be their next franchise LT in Isaiah Wynn. The first rounder out of Georgia missed the season with a torn Achilles, but if he's anything like the other Bulldog the Pats took in the first round they should be fine. 
The fact that the Raiders just made a guy who's never been to a Pro Bowl, or elected to an All-Pro team the highest paid offensive linemen ever is just hilariously perfectly Raiders. Did they not learn anything from Nate Solder and the Giants this year?!!? It's like they were blinded by the ghost of Al Davis. Who cares about anything other than measurables? When a 6'8" offensive tackle who's nearly 400 pounds is available you gotta make it happen, even if he is rated as average as average can get. Just win (4 games a year) baby. To be fair, teams like the Raiders have the money to take chances like this.
With Flowers as high #3 on all the "top X free agents of 2019" lists it looked like another team would outbid the Pats (who are notorious for trying to use coupons and promo codes during negations) for his services. 98 was never going to get 17 million a year in New England. More power to him for getting paid. That's just not how they do things here. You hoped that maaaybe he'd sign a Hightower or Devin McCourty like deal to return, but with the money pass rushers get on the open market it seemed unlikely. ​Now Trey is reunited with Matt Patricia in Detroit. With the rumors he was going to team up with Brian Flores in Miami, personally I'm glad to see Trey leave the division. In 3 full seasons with the Patriots Flowers averaged 7 sacks a year, although most football guys would tell you he's a lot better than the sack numbers would indicate with all the responsibilities he had in the complicated Patriots defensive scheme. In the biggest moments Flowers came to play. Most notably his 2.5 sack performance in the Patriots 28-3 comeback in Super Bowl LI. Highlighted by a sack on 2nd and 11 late in the 4th quarter during the drive that saw the Falcons punt after reaching the Patriots 22 yard line. Without this sack the Patriots comeback efforts may have been too little to late as the Falcons were in v make-able field goal range at the time.
Trey thanked the Patriots organization on IG today.
With the trade for Michael Bennett a few days ago, it appeared the writing was on the wall that the Pats were moving on from Trey Flowers. As much as I hate Michael Bennett as a man, he's not a bad replacement (on paper). As much as it stinks to see them go with like 32 draft picks this year and one of the youngest rosters in the league the future is still bright for the New England Patriots.
Look for another Razorback to step in for the loss of Flowers. 
Song: Lo/Hi
Artist: The Black Keys It's been nearly half a decade since their last album, Turn Blue but The Black Keys are back. On Thursday the Nashville via Akron, OH duo released their latest single "Lo/Hi" seemingly out of nowhere (maybe I'm just old and lame, but it came as a major surprise to me) to delight of their fans that have been anxiously pondering the future of the keys. what-does-dan-auerbachs-solo-career-mean-for-the-future-of-the-black-keys.html dan-auerbach-gave-more-insight-to-the-future-of-the-black-keys-on-cbs-this-weekend.html Not to make excuses for my sporadic writing, but like J. Cole, I too think one listen reviews are ruining the music industry. How are you supposed to truly digest a song or album after one listen?
After letting this song marinate for a few days, I have my official opinion on Lo/Hi.
Like most meals, it left me wanting a little more. Do not expect to see this on the best of 2019 blog. While I am absolutely pumped one of my favorite bands ever are making new music again.. like do not miss that. If you remember one thing about this blog it should be that I am fucking pumped the Black Keys are back. With one of my favorite shows, Crashing getting cancelled it's nice to have something I like still be around. I know they have their critics, but I associate their music with a lot of great times in my life. They'll always be one of my favorite bands. I think Brothers and El Camino are perfect. I've seen them live twice, and they were two of the better live shows I've ever seen. (Florence + the Machine is still the best concert I've ever been to) But this "Spirit in the Sky" rip off with an elementary, Imagine Dragons-esque chorus is a bit underwhelming. Are we really doing "lo/hi... hi/lo" ??????????? In terms of chorus writing this is shade above "Thunder, feel the thunder, lightning and the thunder". I mean how many times has this already be done? "Low, like a valley?" Come on, Dan you're better than that. Don't get me wrong, it's not fully like Imagine Dragons, because it's not a truly horrible song. Despite a weak chorus Lo/Hi has a lot of qualities that I enjoyed. The rest of the lyrics aren't horrible, but sadly they are forgotten due to hill I am fully prepared to die on. But okay, it's time to be a little more positive. This song rocks. Not in like a "you rock!" way, but this bitch gets down. This is some good ole fashion bluesy rock with a little soul. Sure it's sort of sounds similar to a lot of their music from earlier in the 2010's, but there's nothing wrong with a signature sound. The guitar solo around 2 minutes in is classic Dan Auerbach. To me this song is a lot like in rap when a beat can carry a track and the lyrics almost don't matter. It shows they still got it musically, while I do think the whole "low like a valley" thing is pretty fucking tired and lazy. After five years that's all you've got? I'm not mad, I'm just disappointed. It's like getting C work out an A student. I know they can do better. . "Lo, Hi, Hi, Lo" I can't get over that, bro. It's like the blues-rock version of Livin La Vida Loca. All I can think about is "upside, inside out", "push and pull you out" whenever I hear that line. It's just so simple and kind of hacky to me. Although I can't lie Livin La Vida Loca still bangs. Despite kind of shitting on my favorite band, I still really excited to see what else the Black Keys have in store. I'm not going to write off this latest comeback because I'm not in love with this one song. If anything it makes me more excited to see, or in this case hear what else they've got for us. Like I said, I'm just happy this song exists. It is fantastic news that the Black Keys are making new music. I just hope next time maybe they can do what I do, and go to thesaurus.com when feeling a little too simplistic. Because I mean I totally get it, not everything is like riding a bike. Sometimes you can't just pick up right where you left off like nothings changed. I feel that in my writing constantly. Like I've lost my fastball due to lack of use. Maybe the same could be said for the Black Keys? Both Dan Auerbach and Patrick Carney have been separately p busy exploring other opportunities in music since the keys went on hiatus after finishing the Turn Blue Tour, but after years apart maybe it's to be expected? Overall I give Lo/Hi a 7.2/10. The foundation is solid, but the exterior could use some serious work. 
Just absolutely devastating news; Alex Trebek has stage IV pancreatic cancer. That is the worst stage there is according to my research (webMD). The greatest game show host of all-time released a video today facing this prognosis head on. Like Trebek always does, he handled this with class, professionalism and a sense of humor.
Despite the grim news Trebek, who (somewhat shockingly) is 78 years old said intends to continue to work as he battles this calamitous disease. Total bad ass. I'd crawl up in a ball and just wait to die. He's going to fight. Unfortunately pancreatic cancer is essentially a death sentence, and as he said over 50,000 people a year are diagnosed with this disease. It's synonymous with death. Hopefully he can prove the statistics wrong. Why God couldn't it have been Sajak??
It's an overused cliche by hacks like me, but Alex Trebek is one of those people that I've never heard a bad word about. I'd say beloved is a fitting adjective. I don't know anybody who dislikes him other than Sean Connery and Turd Ferguson. He's staple of American entertainment, which of course is the dream of all Canadians. Probably the most famous Jeopardy alum of all time, Ken Jennings had this to say about Trebek. A take I agree with wholeheartedly.
Classic Alex moment.
What do pancreas' even do besides get cancer? Real talk. I've never heard anybody ever talk about a pancreas without cancer immediately following. Without the aid of google I bet you don't know either. As a lifelong Jeopardy fan and anti-cancer man I am rooting for you, Mr. Trebek. As are millions of other people who have open their homes to you for what has to be close to 40 years at this point. What I love about Alex Trebek is how real he is. A real straight shooter. He told you he has stage four cancer. He'll laugh at you when you get an easy question wrong and call you a loser when you tell him your favorite music is nerd-core rap.
As is tradition. Song: Pearl Cadillac Artist: Gary Clark, Jr. Album: This Land  In my last blog about the Bryce Harper contract I was talking about how I cannot wrap my head around the idea of the 2030's. And while part of that is for show on the blog, I'm not an idiot, I understand how numbers and time work (at an elementary level). I just cannot picture 2031 being a real year. I have to imagine that's something people have felt throughout history. I know I'm not the only one. Like there were definitely Romans all confused why the years were counting down backwards or people in the 700's who never thought the world would see a four digit year. Oh those fools. I can vividly remember being a kid and seeing a commercial for Spiderman 2 that said coming Summer 2004 and thinking that was a made up year. 13 years feel like a lifetime. 13 years ago I was in 8th grade. Sadly for some children, 13 years is more than a lifetime. It's fucked up, but one of the first thoughts that popped into my head when I was thinking about the length of this deal is how long 13 years is, and how many people will die over the course of this deal. Idk what that says about me, we can move on soon. I mean there are totally people reading this who won't be alive in 13 years. I probably won't if I don't stop eating 6 pop-tarts a day, but in my defense when it's four boxes for $10 you'd be a sucker to pass up that deal. So instead of talking about how many of us reading this won't have living parents by the time Bryce Harper is no longer under contract with the Philadelphia Phillies, instead lets focus on 13 celebrities I can guarantee won't see the end of this deal. Fun! It's like a long form celebrity death pool. Call me Joe Namath because I am guaranteeing victory here. Don't forget to check back in 13 years to see if I was right. Joe Namath Age in 2031: 88  Broadway Joe guaranteed victory against the Colts in Super Bowl III so I figured it's only right that I return the favor. I actually love Joe Namath, but let's call a spade a spade. With a history of alcohol abuse and hard hits to the head late in his career when players were avoiding his knees out of respect (during an era where equipment wasn't much better than leather helmets) I can say with confidence Broadway Joe will be Pearly Gates Joe by the 2030's. Magic Johnson Age in 2031: 72  Sadly being an overweight black man puts Magic at higher risks for things like diabetes, gout, hypertension, high blood pressure etc. You add being 6 foot 9 to the equation and it sure doesn't help Earvin. Oh by the way this man also has the HIV virus. I know he likely has already consumed the cure for HIV, but should Magic live to see 2031 it will mean he would have lived with HIV for FORTY YEARS. As a gambler, I feel like that well is gonna dry out eventually. Don't forget the added stress of owning the Dodgers and losing in the World Series every year! Should Bryce lead the Phillies to a couple World Series after it looked like he was going to be a Dodger ... I'm just saying Jimmy Carter Age in 2031: 107  Kind of a lay-up considering his age, but Jimmy Carter is the oldest living President and less than a month away from becoming the oldest President ever. No President has ever seen 100. Based on that picture and history I'm just playing the percentages here. Like betting that the sun will rise. Betty White Age in 2031: 109  Another lay-up, but sometimes you gotta see the ball go through the hoop to get hot. Her 2010 comeback was cool and I have nothing bad to say about Betty, but I mean, she's been old for like 65 years already and all her friends are dead. It's okay to say goodbye. Robert Kraft Age in 2031: 90  He actually seems to be in better shape than he was when the Patriots won their first string of 3 Super Bowls but sadly due to the stress from the jealous media and haters (of which there are many) I am truly worried that this added stress will do Bobby in. Please do the right thing and let this man pay for BJs in peace before it's too late. Tommy Lasorda Age in 2031: 104  He's been wanting to go since 2014 (at least). quote from 2014: "I want to tell you this, I just had a birthday; I was 87 years old. And before I die I want to see that championship flag flying out there in center field. ... I've got a great feeling about this team. I think we're going to do it, I think we're going to get to the Fall Classic, and then the big Dodger in the sky can take me away." Andy Dick Age in 2031: 66  Andy Dick has been on borrowed time since Clinton was in the White House. He's allegedly calmed down in recent years, but this dude is one bad line off a 23 year old's boner from an early check out. With fentyal lurking behind every doorstep, who knows how long Andy can avoid it? Louis C.K. Age in 2031: 64  Despite the sticky situations he's gotten himself in, I am a Louie fan. He's one of the funniest comedians of the last 25 years. He's very dark, just like this blog. He's a brilliant writer and a very funny guy. Historically guys like that love to kill themselves. And sadly Louie has had that future suicide guy vibe for a really long time. 6ix9ine Age in 2031: 35  I mean come on. This dude was born to not see 30. Personally, I want him to die. Just a straight up piece of shit, waste of life, human being. Artie Lange Age in 2031: 64  Jokes gonna be on me when Artie Lange is pissing on my grave at age 93. J/K he eats heroin for breakfast and been the #1 overall celebrity death pool pick for like 8 years running. Bob Barker Age in 2031: 108  Pretty scary without the tan, huh? Bobby told us to help control the pet population for 30 years. Hopefully Bob will get cremated to help with the ever-growing lack of grave plot availability. 0.00% chance Bob Barker is alive in 2025, forget the 30's. Clint Eastwood Age in 2031: 101  At only 88 years old there are a few older contenders on this list. By looking at him you'd guess Clint is at least 95. He's looked like a zombie since about 2013. Lebron James Age in 2031: 47  Didn't expect to see this name did you? Maybe that's the wake up the self-proclaimed King needs? Lebron is the real reason I wrote this blog:
Lebron this is me reaching out. You need help. Despite being a world class athlete, Lebron has a crippling wine addiction. It explains his irrational behavior over the years. I mean who leave Miami to go back to Cleveland? A drunk that's who. He's spinning out of control. Threatening to trade everybody on his team, then blaming them when they aren't committed. Only a drunk would think like that. The drink has destroyed many great people and by the look of it Lebron could be next. Just because he can run fast through the lane and make a lay up doesn't mean he's immune to that. Mickey Mantle every heard of him? Dude hit 500 home runs and also drank himself to death. I just hope Lebron can get the help he deserves. Maybe the realization that time stops for no man is just what he needs? |
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