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As you know, the roads have been taking the vast majority of my time this summer; hence the lack of writing. To make up for that, I made a video showcasing some of the stuff I deal with on a daily basis.
Thanks to my new laptop there will be more blogs! (especially with the Celtics run to the Covid Finals starting this weekend). A new podcast that I'm super excited about is in the works AND there is going to be a lot more video content on the DOL IG as the summer winds down and I continue to go full send in pursuit of my barstool dream. Not to suck my own wein too hard, but this is the best video I've made yet (although I do think my Dozie on Rosie remix is wicked underrated). Please like/comment/share!! (and plzzzzz follow @dozonlife if you aren't already)
P.S. To all my "friends" who continue to not like/support the blog/me, this is your last chance to hop on the bandwagon before I exile you like Aaron Rodger did to his family. I remember everything (when it come to those who don't show love when I am nothing but supportive to them) and when I do make it, you will be left in the dust should you not change your ways, you unsupportive fucks. Sorry I believe in myself and going after my dreams. I WILL make it. #HireDozo
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I am nothing if I'm not a truth teller here on DOL. I am the antitheses of Ja Rule in his 2001 smash "Always on Time" when it comes to hip-hop/top 40 music.
Shit, I barely am up to date with music I actually like. Similarly to how I am with foods, I don't like to try new things. I've been listening to the same 20 songs by Taking Back Sunday, Coheed and Cambria and Avenged Sevenfold for like 15+ years for a reason. I didn't even know who Mac DeMarco was until last year and I have never seen myself in a musician more; I didn't hear Currents (my #1 album of the 2010's) until almost a year after its release; although I did know about Kings of Leon wayyy before "Sex on Fire" if we really wanna go tit for tat. Speaking of tits and tats! I had seen some buzz about this WAP song on twitter the last few days, but didn't fully dive in until the wet and gushy until late this afternoon. 
All I knew was that Cardi dropped a new sexy track with Megan Thee Stallion (full discloser: I didn't even who she was until like two weeks ago when a chick asked for me to play "Savage" in the ub...yes, I didn't know who it was by) that was causing "outrage" by the conservative right for sexually explicit content;;;;; obviously.
I decided to go for a stroll to burn off some sad Burger King (I've loved Rodeo Burgers for a dozen years) after work and figured I better listen to this shit and see what all the fuss is about. I thought to myself "Ryan (that's when you know it's serious), if you want to be an internet man you're gonna have to be better at staying up to date with the mainstream pop culture". I listened to WAP three times in a row. On purpose. I was laughing at the brilliance of the word play and how much these broads (I think I can say that) don't give a FUCK. I wanted to say these are my favorite lyrics, but they legit change with every listen. Here's some notable ones. Say what you want about the musical composition, but the lyrics are fucking hilarious, hot and go HARD. "Beat it up, n**** catch a charge Extra large and extra hard Put this pussy right in your face Swipe your nose like a credit card" "He bought a phone just for pictures of this wet-ass pussy (Click, click, click) Pay my tuition just to kiss me on this wet-ass pussy (Mwah, mwah, mwah)" "Pussy A1 just like his credit He got a beard, well, I'm tryna wet it I let him taste it, now he diabetic" "Your honor, I'm a freak bitch, handcuffs, leashes Switch my wig, make him feel like he cheatin' Put him on his knees, give him somethin' to believe in"
It'd be criminal to not include the clip (less than 15 seconds).
As a feminist and more importantly someone who fucks with equality heavy (look at everything I wrote in June) I have these ladies back 100%.
If you have anything other than "YASSSS queens" for this then you can kick mf rocks. Of course when you read it like an ALS computer it isn't gonna sound great. It's the same thing with jokes. Unlike DiGiorno, delivery is everything.
Ben Shapiro's dream BJ.
Fixed it!
I may be singling Ben out, but that's just because I don't need to waste either of our time giving more people FaceTime on DOL. The idea of getting butthurt over lyrics and music is nothing new. Read wikipedia one time for me. Ever since there was popular recorded music there was also people 20+ years older than the intended audience who thought it was the devil reincarnated. Whether it be Tipper Gore or the losers who actually called and complained about Elvis shaking his hips; you simply cannot please everybody.
What I think we need to take away from WAP, apart from a song bringing spitting to the mainstream is that women should be allowed to be sexy and sing about their wet ass pussies without getting flack from the "cowgirl is too empowering" crowd. Look at this ridiculous line from the Daily Mail (redundant sentence).
I will give credit that it gets the conversation going. It's ALWAYS from the male perspective. God forbid we let a lady tell us what she wants. NEWSFLASH communication is the key to healthy relationships or so I'm told. An open dialogue is a good thing. I am here for you ladies. I think I speak for everybody when I say I'd rather you just tell me what you like as opposed to the guess and check method. We need more representation of differing view points. If you don't like getting choked that's a-o-fucking-kay, but a lot more people than you would realize do. Let them live and make money singing about it. Isn't that what America is supposed to be about? I don't like tomatoes, so I order my sandwich without them. It's really not that hard to avoid things you don't like (apart from the obvious orange stuff).
Rick James (God rest his soul) was singing about essentially demanding that stuff, that funk, that sweet, that funky stuff 40 fucking years ago!! This is nothing new. God forbid some thiccccc ass queens strut around talking about getting their salad potentially tossed. If you wanna get mad, get mad that they threw one of the Jenners in for no fucking reason.
As for the song itself; what else can I say but girl power and I could go for some Buffalo Mac'n'Cheese rn.
P.S.
If we're being truly honest, I don't appreciate the garden snake line. Yo straight up, I don't really care about this because it's just a stupid list that means nothing (like all of life lolol) and I just need to write about sports to prove I still got it for the folks at BSS, but you're gonna need to glance at this list to get wtf I'm talking about; here it is. So I saw said list on instagram during my most recent bowel movement. As I typed that sentence at 10:23 PM I am DYING for my roommate to get out of the shower so that can become my 2nd most recent BM (and possibly 3rd by the time this blog is all said and done). I'd really hate to have the substitute's bathroom dilemma happen in my own home (that I rent a room at). Sometimes my therapist is able to get a word or two in during our sessions. The one thing that has really stuck with me is "control what you can control". While that Confucius like wisdom doesn't stop me from from overthinking myself into a panic, it has helped me realize how much of my life I am truly in control of. The same goes for you! You can chose let something insignificant like getting cut off at intersection or being served ruin your day or you can just let it roll off your back like that duck idiom that I'm not wasting time looking up. That being said, CBSsports broke down the best NFL players by jersey number. Before getting to the list itself I should tell you that dudes on this list were broken down by team before you get to the 1-99 stuff. When I saw only one Patriot (of course) made the cut, I was like oh well it's obviously going to be Stephon Gilmore; the reigning defensive player of the year. I don't need to waste time here. I am spending $8 a month on onlyfans. I should be there. I'm wasting money right now even writing this blog, but I cannot sit here and let someone with a real platform say that Nick Chubb is the best #24 in the NFL when he's won zero X player of the year awards in the NFL.  At least have some balls and commit to saying he's a top 3 RB. Now I am actually mad because this dude gets paid to write and I don't (with the exception of two sponsored gambling posts). I have nothing against Nick Chubb; in fact, I think he's nasty. I wish the Pats took him instead of Sony, even though he helped the Pats win a Super Bowl.  Sony Michel when healthy is good, but nothing special and certainly replaceable AF. If you swapped Michel for an elite RB and Stephon Gilmore for an average CB are the Patriots still Super Bowl 53 champs? The great irony of putting Chubb over all those lock-down corners is how author Cody Benjamin boasts about positional value being the deciding factor for close calls.  Any football guy/person with a brain in their skull will tell you a shutdown cornerback is more valuable than a RUNNING BACK. Remember all those Super Bowls Eric Dickerson, Barry Sanders, Ladainian Tomlinson carried their team too? I can picture the steam billowing out of Warren Sharp's mustache now. Like I said, I don't even care. I am not worked up about this because it's just a stupid list made by a dude who barely has more twitter followers than me, but like hellloooo?  If Stephon Gilmore; reigning DPOY is not the best #24 in the NFL? Is Fred VanVleet the best #23 in the NBA too? At least he's won a ring more recently than the guy I'm obviously inferring.  P.S.
The one Patriot who is on the list? David Andrews #60. I love Dave Andrews, he's the fucking man. I saw him in the distance at Rough N' Rowdy in Providence back in November and he literally only goes to the Super Bowl, but the dude didn't even play last year due to blood clots in his lungs. He's the only Patriot representative for best players going into 2020? Got it! Like you, I'm not a huge fan of the lack of content on DOL this summer. August is already 1/3 over and I've written one blog this month. Hashtag Not Ideal. Believe me, I hate myself more than usual for the lack of blogs/videos/memes etc. , but like your daddy after a long day at the job; sometimes I'm just too tired to play catch/write blogs to showcase my gift, eventually achieve my professional dreams and prove all the h8rs wrong after 6-12 hours of Covid Roulette in the Pontiac. Despite all the uba racks I've been stacking/saving, driving isn't getting me towards anything (except increasing the likeliness I contract COVID). Of course it doesn't suck to be liquid AF, but the old adage is true; money doesn't buy happiness. At least not yet for Ole Dozo; maybe if I had enough cash to bail-out poor old John Henry so he could afford to run a baseball team, but until then.. Literally all I want in life is to write for barstool sports, but to a h8r the amount of time that I've put towards that goal this summer may say the contrary. Sorry for having a great work ethic. If you talked to me for 2 seconds you'd know I just want to blog and be creative again so I can be #HiredDozo already FFS. Sure, I know that the amount of time I've been ubin shows my dedication to making it financially and independently, but I bet El Pres doesn't care about that. He/the rest of the people who hire want to see numbers and what you can do to help Barstool make more money. So, it means I need to keep grinding like Bob Burnquist. I've been sitting on a video idea for a month (way better than Here Goes Dozo Episode 2) that I just haven't had a chance to film yet. My extremely legitimate excuse of my molasses-top (cause it's slow) holding me back (after driving strangers all day the last thing I wanted to do is spend 48 minutes waiting for my laptop to get to weebly.com) is no longer valid since I used some of my uba money to purchase a fully functioning laptop. Sadly, just because I have the necessary tools to blog, doesn't mean I really have anything to say at this very moment. Like I've alluded to, I've been living on the roads. I'm beat. I am so fucking out of the loop it's gross. I just wake up, (sometimes) take a shower and hit the road in hopes of making at least a G-note a week. I didn't even realize it was August 10th until like 1 PM when I saw my girl Laura Lee put up an IG story saying so.  So since today is August 10th, you get to enjoy a piece of instrumental bliss from one of my favorite bands, Khruangbin on its special day; the day in the title. I'm going to listen to this and the entire KEXP performance its from with some herbal courage to see if I can get another blog out :)
Classic blogging: say “the internet” to refer to one article.
Allow me to work backwards; yesterday was former New England Patriots QB Tom Brady’s 43rd birthday. I eventually (Tame Impala) got around to paying my respects.
A few hours before I got around to it; Good Morning America host, Michael Strahan wished Brady a HBD on twitter using a not so faltering pic of the Goat who hates being called the Goat.
Despite being an inferior franchise the last 20 years, the New York Giants have the ultimate trump cards over the Pats by beating them in two Super Bowls; most notably Super Bowl XLII where Strahan and the lack of an “in the grasp” call cost the Patriots perfection.
In the whole inferiority complex that Boston has to New York as illustrated by Colin Cowherd we kinda just have to accept it. It is what is; when you go to nine Super Bowls you’re bound to lose a few. Football is the ultimate team game. Sometimes the worse team wins in a one game scenario. Because of that we have Super Bowl champions like the 07 Giants (to be fair the 01 Pats are in a similar boat). You gotta just tip your cap and move on and take solace in the six Super Bowls you’ve won; knowing how close all those games could’ve gone either way. What you don’t do is whatever this lame ass response with an uncomfortable wink is.
Because the Pats and Giants did run it back; remember?
Sure, Strahan wasn’t there...he retired after Super Bowl XLII because he had been in the NFL since 1993.
Admittedly, it is kinda wild to see that Brady is only five years younger than Strahan, but the point remains. This comeback fucking sucks and should not register a single positive point of praise. Oh cool, the older guy who had a HOF career retired 12 years ago after his team ended the quest for 19-0. You still are playing with historically one of the least relevant organizations in all of sports because you eat dirt wraps and have a yes man Guru; you really showed him! It’s not like Strahan is 28 and retired to be a twitch streamer. Dude has a bronze bust in Canton. Just tip your Panama Jack hat and move on, Florida Man. Strahan won here.
 Threeish years ago, before moving to Nashville for less time than it takes to preheat an oven; I went to a Bob’s Store with my mom to get some new gear before the move. I got these Vans flip flops that I fell for quicker than a Ramones song. They were only like $30 and had a little Rasta vibe on the thong part that I dug. I’ve worn them so much since August of 2017 that the right one has spots that are thinner than prosciutto.  Tbh I didn’t really see the problem. I love these flops and the left one is still in perfect condition. You can’t even see the ground completely through them yet so what’s the big deal? They’ve simply evolved over time to perfectly fit my size 12 feet. Now you want me to move on? Right when they fit like a glove; are you kidding me? Typical American waste culture! Sure, you can clearly make out the number 20 from how worn down they are, but what does that even mean? Maybe it’s for “you still have 20 years left in these bro, don’t sweat it.” Since my mom was in town for a few days last week and we needed something to do, she was able to convince me it was time to go get a some new flops. I’ve been working like crazy (hence the lack of blogs in July) and deserve it. After hitting up a few stores that had nothing worthy of protecting the bottoms of my feet I was like “why don’t we just go to a surf shop?” Going to high school in a beach town in the fucking ocean state exposed ya boi to a lot of surf culture; even though I myself was not a ripple rider. I have nothing against the surfing community except the exorbitant prices of their clothes and gear. It is fucking expensive AF to be a poser, bro. Now I totally get how cool bells and whistles can be; I loved Inspector Gadget as a kid. I own a leather man (nbd) and am well aware of how much easier smartphones have made life (minus every action you make being constantly tracked).  Enter scene Reef Sandals. They were cooler than Miles Davis during my HS years. Idk exactly when, but sometime when HD-DVDS were still a thing the bottle opener sandals became a must have item. Of course I wanted a pair to be cool and have a stealth bottle opener for all the underage drinking I partook in, but I gotta tell you a decade and pandemic later can really change your perspective. I don’t get how these are still a thing. What’s next? A water bottle-wallet? Suppository sunscreen?
Yeah those boots in Wild Wild West with a built in knife were sick too, but the vast majority of the time you’re never gonna need that. Sometimes you don’t need that feature the man is trying to up sell you. If the big C has taught us anything, it’s that germs can kill and that it’s vital to be smart with money. Do you know what is covered in germs and remnants of literally everything you’ve stepped on? The bottom of your flip flip. Do you know what is covered in germs and remnants of literally everything you’ve stepped on AND is anywhere from $16-$24 more than a regular pair of flip flops despite having less cushion for your feet? The bottom of your Reef Bottle Opener Flip Flop. I’m not a patent office so I’m not sure if other brands have figured out this groundbreaking technology of stabbing a piece of metal into rubber, but I’ve only ever seen Reef make this product. I know this isn’t exactly the most earth shattering take to put on the internet, but after being in the flip flop market for the first time in years and the first pandemic of my life (I think??) I was reminded that these fuck boi red flags still exist. I had to let the millions of people who don’t read this blog that DOL is officially-anti bottle opener in flip flops. Sure the first time you saw it in 2008 was cool, but that was a DOZEN years ago. Know what’s cool? Having a bottle opener on your keychain like a fucking adult and not having to open a beer with your smelly ass shoe. Imagine in three years when Covid is over that some bro offers you his flip flop to open up a Sam Summer. Are you accepting? 
I haven’t watched much baseball since its return a few days ago. Ya boi is metaphorically living on the roads and literally too heartbroken over the Mookie situation to watch America’s Pastime. (As I wrote this blog on my phone with my molasses-top open in front of me of course this popped up on my shuffle screensaver. Am I really gonna have to delete everything like a break up because seeing this makes me want to cry)
I really do love the game. There’s so many great things about it. Admittedly, part of me hates that I’m letting the awful things get the best of me. But you didn’t click for that; nobody wants to hear that shit rn and I sure as heck don’t want to get all sad going down that path about what trading Mookie Betts truly represents. I want to be happy before I go to bed in three hours, so back to the incident that originally made my inner J.D. voice be like “yo Dozie, just because your laptop is trying to destroy your dreams doesn’t mean you can’t blog on your phone about how fucking awesome Joe Kelly is.”
I could’ve sworn I wrote a blog called “Joe Kelly is a Rockstar” after he won the hearts of Red Sox fans in 2018 season when he hit some no -name Yankee catcher who actually two first names; Tyler Austin. Hence the title. I was going to link it here too. I had the whole blog mapped in my clouded mind. Now I’m in a real pickle as I cannot find that in the archives and already have this as my title because I had to create a new blog in my browser in order to edit it on the much easier to use weebly app. (It makes ZERO sense why you can’t start a post from the app). Any who, nearly all the baseball I’ve seen in 2020 has been via twitter and boy oh boy did baseball twitter have its first big moment of 2020 when Joe Kelly did this.
It was fucking awesome. That pout. Instant meme! I can’t lie, it made me miss baseball and baseball twitter like crazy. Looks like I still got it thoooo; peep those like numbers.
What’s wrong with baseball is Joe Kelly’s lack of control and abundance of heart, humor and hubris costing him over 13% of the season. Come on, Manfred. Are you actively trying to be the worst commish since Landis?
I haven’t said this in a blog in a minute; mainly because I’ve matured and evolved at how I look at things (nbd), but you want to talk about soft?Suspending someone 8 games for mocking CHEATERS and giving baseball attention it desperately needs right now is asinine and incredibly soft. Protect the bad guys, and punish the good. Where else have I heard that before?
The dude didn’t actually hit anybody and wasn’t even ejected from the game. That’s worth 8 games?!!? What are we doin? We need to be thinking on a Covid scale. If anything, his “offense” is worth nothing more than a few innings. “Joe Kelly is not allowed to open any games for like a week.” Now that would be fair! Unless, that ridiculous of a suspension was intentional to get people riled up and talking about it more; especially with Joe Kelly appealing, but I don’t think MLB is smart enough to do that. I think it’s more about being embarrassed and just wanting the Astros shit to go away. Making an example of someone who is definitely not on drugs seems to be targeting a free thinking, free spirit. 
I thought the C word might be a blessing in disguise for the Astros, but it looks like a pandemic (and likely a lot of edibles) didn’t cause Joe Kelly to forget that the Stros hit like .709 as a team in games 1 and 2 of the 2017 ALDS in Houston. Not so fun fact; Joe Kelly won the Red Sox lone victory in that series. Meanwhile the Astros were banging on a trash can like Doug & The Beets en route to a World Series title.
How did Joe Kelly respond to his suspension? (This is the entire reason I wrote this blog) 
I fucking LOVE IT. Joe Kelly, I still love you. I am all for this new era of player empowerment. It may only last a few more days since the Marlins are about to get this shit shut down like Taffer in a Tucson rodeo themed bar with a broken ice machine, but alas, I am here for it as long as it lasts. NBA comes back (technically today) next. I love the players being able to put messages on their jerseys. Wish they could put whatever they want, but gotta walk before you march I suppose.
The hashtags are awesome. Even though this account isn’t verified; I’m pretty sure it’s him. (Editors Note: it’s not; but let’s pretend). If it’s not I’ve already gone too deep and this is incredibly awesome photo that needs to be shared by the loyal DOL readers. I hate the Astros and do not need to go full butterfly effect of how the 2017 postseason may have gone differently if they weren’t cheating at home. Maybe Mo..okay goodnight! P.S. I hate that I’ve written like 6 blogs since I got back on the roads, but daddie dozo’s gotta get the bread while it’s out there. Hope I don’t have Covid, but at least if I do and get that early check out I won’t have to keep seeing God Damn picture of Mookie pop up. 
Double P.S.
Like Mookie, Joe looked much better in red! (R.I.P. Doc & to a much lesser extend the XFL) 
Triple P.S.
I loveeee this meme.
Talk about awful news to wake up at the crack of 11 am.
Yo straight up this has me so fired up and idc if I sound like a crazy person or poor writer (I’ve got hundreds of blogs that say the contrary). The Mookie Betts saga was put a wedge in my Red Sox fandom that may never be removed. Baseball comes back tomorrow and I couldn’t care less. This entire ordeal has me feeling like a loving wife who finally had enough and left; even if she deep down still has feelings for him.
The reason this pisses me off so much is because it’s such a slap in the face to “Red Sox Nation” (the lamest shit ever btw). I wrote this back in February and despite a pandemic and new Civil Rights revolution taking the front seat (and deservingly so) it’s still relevant AF. 
When it comes to the Mookie Betts saga in Boston you have a few camps. There’s the idiot fans who support the Red Sox no matter what. They say “if Mookie turned down 10 years $300 million then fuck him! HE’S THE ONE BEING GREEDY!”
Even though his baseball reference says otherwise. 
Some may try to change the narrative to make you feel sympathetic to the poor ole Boston Red Sox who have more money than God.
This is what we all must remember.
I have lived and died with this team for over 15 years. I’ve forgotten more about the Red Sox than most people will ever know. I’ve spent thousands of dollars on tickets and memorabilia over the years. The high costs of the Fenway experience has always been justified with the Red Sox having one of the highest payrolls in baseball. They spend. The sad thing is they have no fucking idea how to spend.
Don’t even get me started on Nathan Eovaldi. Textbook using heart over head contract after what he did in the postseason.
Mookie Betts is a generational talent. Plain and simple. The Red Sox could’ve made this work, but know the fanbase is full of loyal idiots who put up with anything. Maybe I’m overreacting? I call it passion. I love(d) the Boston Red Sox and I feel betrayed. Maybe you don’t care and that’s cool, but I do. I may be only one person, but I’m using the small ass platform I have to say fuck the Red Sox and fuck John Henry. They could’ve made this work, but chose not to. Plain and simple. I don’t give a FUCK about the luxury tax. Maybe if there was more backlash something could’ve been done. Holding on to the pipe dream that Mookie would come back after getting traded to LA is laughable. Go let your girlfriend fuck Bradley Cooper for 4 months and see if she comes back. I’m done, I’m hurt, I’m annoyed. Go Celtics (until they trade Tatum).
Apparently, Taco Bell is drastically altering its menu. It’s kind of a bummer, TBH. I saw this picture on Twitter so you know it’s real; despite the horrifying source.  Gone are Beefy Frito Burritos, Loader Grillers and BOTH POTATO ITEMS??? I have a love-hate relationship with Taco Bell. I love the food, but hate how it makes me feel; both physically and emotionally. I once said something along the lines of “Taco Bell makes my toilet look a Jackson Pollock” four years ago on DOL, but Joe Mande tells the same dick pic story in two straight comedy specials, so we can let this slide. During quarantine (and also the last 28 years) I’ve been a huge fan of the Bell. I own a Taco Bell t shirt.. Shh. As a broke boi those $1 double stacked tacos were a life saver/shortener for a week straight back when I was teaching since there was a Bell about 5 minutes down the road. This may have directly led to the substitute’s bathroom dilemma. I think it’s really important to have all the facts while writing and putting stuff out into the interweb, so thanks to Reddit we can confirm these changes will happen.  I know the menu changes all the time. I get that the folks who Live Más have a business to run and all that blah, blah bs I don’t care about. The internet and food don’t care about no logic or logistics. We need something to pissed about and this is it like Huey Lewis! Do I care that it’s probably a waste of valuable kitchen space to store some hash browns with a hint of Mexican spices to throw in a fryolator for two menu items? Of course not. I just want to be able to get a few Cheesy Potato Loader Grillers and be on bathroom arrest for a few hours like a FREE American, okay? I guess big they was right when they said life would never be the same post Corona. First they killed our Grillers, amirite? May Angels Lead You In. 
Thundercat is one of the smoothest, coolest, most respected artists currently in the music game. Seriously, everyone loves this dude.
— Haley Joel Osment (@HaleyJoelOsment) July 5, 2020
He’s worked with everybody; rap, rock, soul, Michael McDonald, jazz, punk, pop..doesn’t matter. I’m 98% sure he’s the dude leaving the voicemail in HAIM’s “3 AM”.
What I (and many, many more people) love about Thundercat (apart from his bodacious basslines) is his uniqueness and sense of humor. Friendzone is a fucking anthem. This dude is singing about tacos and Mortal Kombat while dressing like a fucking Viking. I think it’s safe to say this dude partakes in smoking broccoli for fun, even if this tweet that I’m pretty sure is a joke says the contrary.
While he may slap the bass there’s no denying Thundercat marches to the beat of his own drum (insert 3 corn emojis here). Sorry to anybody who cries about playful stereotyping, but when I saw this last night my jaw dropped.
You’re telling me it took over 35 years of life for a man who has made millions singing about classic video games and his dragonball Z durag to eat a fruit roll up??? What’s next Thundercat? You’ve never been to Taco Bell?
How is this possible? It took 12,688 days of life for Thundercat to eat a fruit roll up. Everybody knows I’m a picky eater. I’m sure people would be appalled to know I haven’t eaten a pear since the 90’s, but this shit just blew my mind and I’m even biased against fruit roll ups. I lean HEAVY towards chocolate on the chewy/gummy to chocolate candy/snacks spectrum, so it’s not like I stay crushing fruit roll ups. I probably haven’t had one in 5 years. Idk how else to say it but Thundercat seems like a dude who would love fruit roll ups. Have you ever listened to his music? What’s next? Luke Bryan hasn’t drank beer? I just don’t see a world where someone has spent Malcolm Gladwell time playing video games and chillen with stoners never ONCE came across a roll up. All those late nights in the studio? Nobody had some laying around? Like I said, he’s worked with everybody. Men, women, black, white, alive, dead...NOBODY had a fruit roll up? It does not compute. As you would assume, Thundercat made up for 12,688 days of life without consuming processed sugar, dyed and flattened into a paper-like substance.
I hope you feel better, Stephen.
Much like the “Show You the Way” video; this story has a happy ending (someone teach me photoshop for the love of God)
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