On the 8th and 19th anniversary of his 4th and 2nd Super Bowl titles,Tom Brady, the greatest QB to ever live, has officially retired.
It's also the first anniversary ofBrady's first retirement. Originally, Schefter leaked the news. As we all know, Tom would return for the 2022 season. What you may have forgotten is that he announced this news in the middle of Kevin Garnett's number retirement. Not nice!
Even though Brady is rapidly approaching Brett territory, I can feel the emotion that quick video. His face says it all. This is it. He's drained. It's over. He's not coming back (even though the 49ers make too much sense). TB12 is calling a career and what a fucking career it was.
Despite things not ending exactly how I would've wanted, my relationship with Tom Brady is one of the longest of my life. We've even spoken before. Sure, it was when he denied me an autograph at training camp in 2004, but at least he was sort of polite when he said "No thanks" after I asked if he could sign my jersey. I've written about that encounter on this tremendous unknown publication several times, but it was one of those seminal life moments (even though I can't 100% remember if it was '03 or '04). It's probably made up like 8% of my career ball-busting, and when you consider how many things make up that pie, that's an enormous slice. Tom and I will joke about it when we finally meet fr fr (that's for real, for real for the olds). I know he has to keep the resale value high—can't be signing every chubby tween of divorce's jersey. The dude played for the NEW ENGLAND Patriots. His Herbie Hancock would be worthless if he granted all those autograph requests.
Since I'm writing this blog late in the day, it's currently 10:34 pm; I've had the whole day to marinate Tommy's retirement. Even though he's been away in America's most embarrassing state for the last three years, I'll always love Tom Brady. He shaped me. The man quarterbacked the Patriots from when I was in 4th grade to 28 years old. He is responsible for some of my favorite memories and experiences. Nothing will ever top the double dynasty. I'm so grateful that my life lined up perfectly with it. I could've been born in 1834 or 8248 (lol jk, the world is gonna end in like 17 years), but I was lucky enough to be born in Rhode Island in 1991. I was like 10 and 2 months when the Pats won Super Bowl XXXVI. Tom Brady and the New England Patriots made me fall in love with football, which made me want to play football and likely gave me some low-key CTE, but I'd still do it all over again. Only this time, I'd work harder and stand up for myself so that I could play longer. But I'm getting off track. That's what happens in the late-night blogging hours. You already know I've been ripping my nighttime medicine. Tom Brady and the history of the Pats' double-dynasty are among my most knowledgeable subjects. If I were ever on Jeopardy and that was one of the categories, I'd sweep the board. I could ramble off all the numbers and highlight all the moments, but I've done that before, and it's been done to death.​
We know he holds essentially every major passing record—Seven-time Super Bowl champ. The dude's won more Super Bowls than every franchise. Even though he claims he doesn't like to be called it, Tom Brady is the G.O.A.T. He's such an icon that Momma Gump, Grace, and Frankie made a movie about him.
I'm so gonna ironically see it, then totally love it.
There are some benefits to writing this blog of early mornin' news when the day's almost over (currently 11:33pm...I've bounced back and forth like Ray Allen between the blog and its graphic). I can share some love Brady's received on various social media accounts!
Thanks for everything. I love you.
P.S.
Ain't that the truth. Deflategate is the most overblown witch hunt in NFL history. 
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Song: Enter Galactic (Love Connection, Pt. 1) Artist: Kid Cudi Album: Man On The Moon: The End of Day (2009) This came on when I was in the shower post gym and got me in a Cudi mood. MOTM1 is my favorite rap album and there's no time to waste, so it's the SOD. Super late start to the blogging day (at least I showed) and the people need my takes on Tom Brady's 2nd retirement!!  I don't watch any of the late-night talk shows live, but as I said in my SNL/AFCCG recap blog, I'm an SNL guy. I'm subbed to Fallon's Youtube page and check out clips sometimes. S/O whoever clips up the show and already has this extended Gronk interview clip out because I just watched it while playing Game 2 of the 2024 NBA Finals on PS4, and it warms my heart. If he were playing, Rob Gronkowski would still be one of the best TEs in the league, but if he truly is finished for good (Gronk mentions he got calls this season but never names names...other than his former teammates), I hope we get more of this Gronk. He shows off the big personality that made us (me) fall in love with him while he caught touchdowns and eviscerated linebackers and defensive backs. I'm worried that Gronk's relationship with the Pats isn't super chill rn based on his takes in a recent interview and Bill being Bill, but Gronk will always be my dude. I wish we got more of him (he missed 36 games during his Patriot career and was significantly hampered in SB46), but in his time on the field in Foxboro, he still managed to become the best TE in NFL history. Numbers don't tell the whole story, but even with all those missed games, his are pretty damn good. Bernard Pollard will burn in hell for what he did to this lovable monster! Hopefully, 87's relationship with the organization will heal. Maybe I'm just getting worked up over nothing, but I'll always love Gronk. He's arguably my all-time favorite Patriot. He's the embodiment of everything great in life. Regardless of fandom, you likely fuck with Gronk. My favorite Patriot Mt. Rushmore is Brady, Gronk, Vince and a 50-way tie for 4th because it's all about the team. I'm not trying to turn DOL into me merely recommending Youtube videos, but Rob was on Fallon tonight (it's currently 1:33 am) and absolutely crushed. He gave his Super Bowl pick, spoke about his outstanding charity work, and promoted his "Kick of Destiny" Super Bowl event. Apparently, he made a 33-yarder in high school. If I ever got to talk to Gronk, it would be like Chris Farley interviewing Paul McCartney, except we're both Chris Farley. Travis Kelce wishes he was this cool. P.S. I got a video of Gronk eating a BL smooth at the Pats Super Bowl LI parade. If he were healthy there would've never been 28-3, so at least something positive came out of him missing 11 games that season. Song: Selling The Drama (1994) Artist: Live Album: Throwing Copper This was one of the many videos I watched during to my 60 minute bike session at Planet Fitness yesterday. Great performance. Woodstock '94 version. Michael B. Jordan's SNL Was One of the Best Episodes in Years (Top 5 Skits of the Show List Blog!)1/30/2023 
I'm not a real Bengals fan, but by proxy, I care about their success. One of my best friends is a lifelong Bengals fan. As someone blessed to experience like a dozen Boston championships with no emotional connection to the Sox or Bruins anymore, I'm sort of in the Andrew Carnegie philanthropic era of my sports fandom.
There are still teams I don't fuck with and never want to succeed, like the Yankees, Lakers, Jets, Steelers, Ravens, Astros, Providence College Friars etc., but I want to see my friends experience the joy I've felt countless times. I was happy when the Milwaukee Bucks won it all in 2021 cause I've got a buddy who's loved the Bucks his entire life. I used to loathe the Canadiens (now I don't really give a fuck) and even wanted to see them win that Covid Cup in '21 for my buddy Z. I'm still pretty bummed and upset about the game last night. I try not to be a blame-the-refs-guy, but that shit was atrocious. I've never seen someone get a literal do-over before. I felt ill watching the zebras do everything they could to ensure the Chiefs won. It really makes you question things #NFLRigged.
I had a lot riding on the game financially and wanted the Bengals back in the Super Bowl for my guy. That game was soul-crushing. It was the closest feeling I've had to one of my teams losing that wasn't one of my squads. Ya boi was not in a good mood. Games 4-6 vs. the Warriors vibes. So when I got home, I put on SNL to try and get some laughs in, and man, am I glad I did.
I've been into SNL since I was a kid. It's an institution. I think it's so lame to bash SNL, especially when you don't watch it. Like I'm not gonna lie, I used to do that with millions of different things, but I'm maturing and trying not to be that way anymore. Of course, most people hold the casts from when they were younger in a special place. The Sudekis-Hader-Wiig-Armisen-Samberg-Forte years have a special place in my heart (I love the late 90s and early 2000s casts, too), but SNL is still funny. Sure, not every skit is a home run, but the current cast is SOLID, and magic happens when there's a great host. Michael B. Jordan crushed it, or should I say, "Michael B crushin'." I love how he poked fun at himself and the sad court-side photo in his monologue. Every skit was at least ok, but most had me dying laughing, which I needed after the refs utterly fucked the decent people of Cincinnati and me. I legit forgot about the game for the approximately 45 minutes it takes to watch an episode of SNL on the DVR when you skip the commercials and musical guest.
I haven't watched the all-22 yet, but there were at least three should be holding calls on Orlando Brown that went uncalled. The man was giving hugs all night long.
The cold open was great, MBJ killed his monologue (and Ego looked damn good in her wedding dress). There wasn't a bad skit all night but here's my top 5. If you need a good laugh, check these out.
#5. Video Game Session
Easy, brotha...My wife's on this app!
Bowen and MBJ had great chemistry here. I could tell where the punchline was going with the fight, but it was still hilarious. I'd play this game, and I haven't played a fighter game since Tekken 3! s/o Eddy Gordo
4. Roller Coaster Accident
The physical comedy in this skit is fantastic. The props remind me of the fully paid-for Smile Direct Club aligners I have sitting in a dusty purple box. I should probably use them in prep for Dozie's whore boi summer '23. I have a giant crush on Sarah Sherman (which really shows how much I've grown as a person). She's hysterical and low-key, super cute. I'd love to eat Buffalo mozzarella, drink gross IPAs with her and talk about bands. I have a theory that she dresses so zany to take away from her beauty to be taken more seriously as a comedian and not just the hot weirdo she presents.
#3. Jake from State Farm
The details in this commercial gone wrong are outstanding. That sad sandwich LOL. The twist at the end had me geeking out.
#2. Party in Palm Springs
If I had any negative remarks about this episode, it's that they went a little heavy on the MJB is hot jokes, but were fucking funny, and I'm a big no limits in comedy guy. Sure, there'd be a bunch of annoying internet shit if the roles were reversed here, but it was still a hysterical skit. Giving Heidi's character a Galaxy was a perfect touch. All the ladies looked great, but Punkie's never looked better. Sup?
#1. King Brothers Toyota
This skit was straight out of ITYSL, and I mean that in the best way possible. James Austin Johnson is low-key the funniest guy in the cast, and he's not even a full-timer. His impressions are fantastic, but here, he shows he can play regular people too, like one half of a brother team of Texan Toyota slingers. This skit killed me. I've never had Raising Cane's, but it does look incredible, but most jacked Toyota salesmen Brian Patmore is spilling their secret Cane's sauce recipe if they don't leave Exit 260. Take that left HARD, you sales warriors in Christ.
That concludes my "SNL sorta helped me get over the rigged AFC Championship Game for like 45 minutes" blog. Of course the Bengals had plenty of self-inflicted wounds, but the refs did them no favors. If you haven't watched that SNL yet, at least check out a few of these skits. Fuck Roger Goodell. Wah, wah, wah, bitch I'm Ole Dozie.
Song: Weightless (2023) Artist: Arlo Parks Album: My Soft Machine In less than 30 seconds, I knew this would end up on my best of 2023 list. I loveee this beat. Arlo's voice is so peaceful and cool. "I don't wanna wait for you, but I need you, so I won't go." I fucking feel that rn more than you'll ever know. 
I've used this exact intro before but damnit it's perfect and we're playing the hits at 3:09 am as I pound my keyboard.
Conference Championship Sunday is one of the most bittersweet days on the sports calendar.
Bitter because after tonight, we only have one more NFL game until September. But sweet because we've got some incredible matchups (on paper) in what should be a great day of football.
Last week my picks went 3-1 (although I bet Giants ML because I am addicted to plus signs and stupid). The Bills are the frauds I've been saying they are all season. What an embarrassing home loss!
Josh Allen fumbled the game away moments after I hit send (plz disregard me saying the Vikings are legit af).
We've got an incredible slate ahead of us; let's fullback dive into the games! Before we do, the idea of playing one Conference Championship Game on Sunday and the other on Monday is idiotic. If the league does that, I'm obviously not gonna stop watching, but I will be upset for at least a little while!
NFC Championship Game:
San Fransisco 49ers @ Philadelphia Eagles. 3:00 pm. Fox. 
During the last couple weeks of the regular season, I had a take that the NFCCG would end up being Packers @ Bucs because the whole conference is fraudulent, and those two QBs could still go on a run. Here we sit on game day with the top two seeds facing off for the George Halas Trophy. Maybe there's a reason I'm like 3-48 this season gambling.
I love that we're going to see the league's top offense vs. the league's top defense. That's what playoff football is all about. Studs vs. Studs. Dude-on-dude action. Cinderella runs can be fun, but sometimes chalk is cool. Historically the top defense has the edge in playoff matchups (this data only goes up to 2021, but what I said is still "facts"), but it's a lot closer than you'd think. I'd rather see the Niners win. I love Kittle. Deebo is a stud, even with his dip in production. They use a fullback. Great uniforms. Sure they lie about their location in their team name, but they're far from the only team in the league that takes some geographic liberties. Speaking of liberty. Philly has had quite a sports year. Their MLS team made it to the finals. The Phillies won the pennant. The 6ers are the East's current two seed, but the Eagles are that scumbag city's pride and joy. The Linc is gonna be rocking, and even though I have yet to be right about Brock Purdy turning into a pumpkin...today is the day. Rookie QBs are winless in conference championship appearances, and he's a fucking square. Being a God guy is fine, but idc how old you are; if that's your take on reefer, you can kick rocks.
He's played well since taking over for Jimmy G, but the competition over that stretch isn't all that impressive. Has he been down two scores at any point? Shanahan is a great coach, and you know he'll scheme up an outstanding opening script, but if the Niners are down 14 at any point in this game, is Brock Purdy really gonna dig them out of that hole?
That situation is something I could see playing out because the Eagles, as great as they've been this year, have a problem where they have one huge quarter (usually the 2nd), then stop scoring. It's a while back, but in Week 3, they beat the Commies 24-8, and all 24 points came in the 2nd quarter. The following week when they beat Jacksonville 29-21, 20 of their points came in the 2nd quarter. In week 6, they beat Dallas 26-17; you guessed it, 20 of those points came in the 2nd quarter. Week 6 was a long time ago, but that trend is something to think about going into this game. I heard this on PMT, but I agree and could've easily come up with myself...with both of these coaches, I wouldn't be shocked to see some crazy 4th shit to try to steal a possession. It wouldn't shock me at all to see one of these teams face like a 4th & 2 from their own 38-yard line on the opening drive and go for it to send a message. I feel something funky coming. You know Shanahan goes crazy in the playoffs, and Sirianni has some Charlie Kelly wild card in him for sure. San Fran has been a great story this year. They've been the exception to the rule, with QB play being the most crucial part of today's NFL, butttttt I think this is the week their Mr. Irrelevant QB looks as such. Is this dude really the next Brady or Kurt Warner? There's like 80 QBs who are currently alive that could win with this roster. Fuck, even Kenny Stabler could make things interesting with McCaffrey, Deebo, Aiyuk, and Kittle. Deferring is all the rage in today's NFL, but if the Eagles win the toss, I think they should elect to receive to try and make Purdy come onto the field already trailing. Philly's already started greasing the flag poles, and you know some crazy assholes will still make their way to the top. Jalen Hurts is a winner and will lead the Eagles to the Super Bowl for the 2nd time in seven seasons. Don't be surprised if AJ Brown goes off after being a nonfactor last week.
Eagles 34
49ers 23
AFC Championship Game:
Cincinnati Bengals @ Kansas City Chiefs. 6:30 pm. CBS. 
In the American Football Conference, we have the same matchup in a Championship Game for the first time since the Ravens and Patriots met in 2011 ('12) and 2012 ('13). A decade later, the two best QBs in the league are facing off with a Super Bowl berth on the line.
Of course, the biggest question going into this matchup is the health of Patrick Mahomes. How bad is the ankle? I'd rather have Mahomes at like 65% than like 28 QBs in the league, but against a fantastic Cincy D (20.1 ppg/6th best in the NFL) with some beasts on the d-line, his mobility (or lack thereof) will likely be the difference in the game. Time is, and always will be, a bitch. This will be Patrick Mahomes and the KC Chiefs 5th straight appearance in the AFCCG, and all five have been at home. The 2011-2018 Patriots made 8 straight AFCCGs but never played more than two straight at home. You gotta give KC their flowers for this run. BUT, this game is Ilya-Bryzgalov-humongous-big for Kansas City. It's a swing game; they're gonna be either 3-2 or 2-3 in five straight home championship games. Should Cincy go on to win the Super Bowl, the narratives drastically alter, and the debate for the league's best QB gets even more interesting. Don't forget how awful the Chiefs were historically in home playoff games before the Mahomes era (Andy Reid was there for two home playoff losses)! Mahomes and Kelce deserve about 58% of the "why Dozo finally won his fantasy league" pie, and Brady to Gronk will always be the greatest QB-TE duo in NFL history, but these two continue to close the gap. Because of their importance to team Cooking Up Sutton Good, I followed KC closer this year than in the past, and what Travis Kelce did this season cannot be understated: 110 receptions for 1338 yards and 12 TD. It's safe to say he was a great selection at 15 overall. He was just as dominant in the Divisional Round. 14 receptions for 98 yards and 2 TD. It's sort of a basic take, but it's true. If Cincy can keep Kelce in check, they should roll. Now, that's much easier said than done. But in their week 13 matchup, Cincy held Kelce to just 4 grabs for 56 yards and forced his only fumble of the season in what ended up being the game's turning point. The Bengals have the guys to keep Kelce in check. "In check" could still be 7 catches for 105 and a score, but the Chiefs' weapons outside of him aren't that scary. If you can contain Kelce, you can beat KC. JuJu is a solid NFL WR; McKinnon's scored in like 93 straight games, but with no Tyreek, these aren't the same Chiefs, even if they didn't skip a beat without him from a production standpoint (1st in PPG & yards). The KC offense is a little different without his instant deep ball threat. Toney and MVS are not Tyreek Hill. I'm biased. I love Joe Brrr. One of my best friends is a Bengals fan, and I want them to win it all for my guy, but I'm worried. I think Cincy is a better team, but Kansas City has the leg up from a coaching standpoint, and they're at home. That "Burrowhead" shit could quickly come back to haunt Cincy. Patrick Mahomes should be MVP. He threw for 41 TDs and 5250 yards without Tyreek Hill and scored four more on the ground. Did you know he's only lost 18 games in his career as a starter (including playoffs)? But he's 0-3 vs. the Bengals the last two years. This matchup has the potential to be the most entertaining game of the playoffs, but that's all pertinent on the health of Patrick Mahomes' right ankle. Even if he were 100%, I'd still pick Cincy. Because I respect him and think he's still gonna play well, I do think this gonna be a close game (unlike the Bengals' utter EMBARRASSMENT against the Bills in Buffalo, NY...where it was snowing). I might bet Hayden Hurst first TD. Bengals 34 Chiefs 27
P.S.
I got home from ub** @ 2:30ish and grinded on this blog and graphic (mostly the graphic; those take forever but I fucking love making them) until 8:45 am.#HireDozo 
Double P.S.
As of 8:46 am I've peppered the following:
Eagles ML & Bengals ML parlay: +237, 1u Hayden Hurst 1st TD, +1300, .2u Double result: tie/CIN, +2200, .1u Song: On The Line (2020) Artist: San Cisco Album: Between You & Me This song played during my last ub** of the night, and some cute URI ladies said I have great taste in music, so it's today's SOD. San Cisco having a similar name to one of the four teams playing today doesn't hurt, either. 
Netflix's That 90's Show debuted last Thursday, and I've since watched it 2.7 times in preparation for this blog slash genuine enjoyment.
I LOVE That 70's Show. Iconic is a word that gets beat to death on the internet nowadays, but T70S was an iconic staple of the 2000s (at least to me). I have the DVDs of the first few seasons and remember watching the series finale live in 8th grade when I was grounded for getting into some shenanigans that would make the legends of Point Place proud and had my dad calling me a dumb ass. I binged That 70's Show in less than two weeks on the cock to get in the spirit, which was no easy feat. It turned into a comfort show, and frankly, I miss my rewatch. The series spans from May 17th, 1976-December 31st, 1979, over 200 episodes and eight years of real-time. I'd easily put That 70's Show in my Top 10 all-time favorite shows, but this blog is about the 90s edition and my criticism/praise of it. This post will contain spoilers, so as much as I hate to turn readers away if you still haven't watched and would like to, I'd X out now.
Now that we're all alright, let's travel back in time...to July of 1995 in Point Place, WI.
Adjunct professor of the religion of Star Wars at an unnamed college, Eric Forman, his writer (with a freshly published book) wife Donna, and their daughter Leia are visiting from Chicago for 4th of July weekend. Eric and Leia are set to go to Space Camp in Alabama because when you think science, naturally, Alabama comes first to mind. However, Leia makes friends with kids from the neighborhood and wants to stay for the summer. Kitty obliges, opening up the basement for Leia as she did for Eric and his friends. As much as I bash remakes for their laziness, I love a spin-off within the show's universe. Reboots, spin-offs, however, you want to classify them all not created equal; some feel unnecessary, but I truly enjoyed this show. It has its flaws (which we'll get to) but also has serious potential, and enough time has passed where it plays as vintage. Red and Kitty are the only returning characters with starring roles in season one and they are incredible; Red's eased a little with age, but still has wit. Kitty is funny as ever and ends up tatted by the end of the season,. All the living main characters (minus Hyde for #badguyreasons) make at least a brief appearance in these ten episodes. That's my first complaint. I know streaming shows usually don't have 20+ episode seasons, and that debuts are historically shorter. Still, after binging That 70's Show, which is 200 episodes over eight years (and only three and a half in 70s time), I'm scratching ---my nails down someone else's back for more! Ten inches will leave you satisfied, but ten episodes does not. It feels like things are just getting started, then bam, it's all over. Before I tell you what else rubbed me the wrong way, let's break down the new characters.
Leia Forman (played by Callie Haverda)
Daughter of Eric and Donna Forman; Granddaughter of Red and Kitty Forman; Granddaughter of Bob Pinciotti.
Gwen (played by Ashley Aufderheide)
Daughter of Sherri Runck; half-sister of Nate Runck (different dads); neighbor of Red and Kitty Forman
Sherri Runck (played by Andrea Anders)
Mother of Gwen and Nate; neighbor of Red and Kitty Forman; Fez's on-again, off-again girlfriend
Nate Runck (played by Maxwell Acee Donovan)
Son of Sherri; Half-brother of Gwen; Nikki's boyfriend
Nikki (played by Sam Morelos)
No family mentioned; Nate's girlfriend
Ozzie (played by Reyn Doi)
No family mentioned
Jay Kelso (played by Mace Coronel)
Son of Jackie and Michael Kelso
In my research, I learned that Covid hampered production, and that's partly why all the OG That 70's Showers aren't in many scenes together (Fez and Donna share a moment in the circle in the finale, and that's basically it), but I'm worried about the relationship between the gang. Of course, Hyde wasn't brought back because Danny Masterson is in legal trouble for scuzzy behavior, but it's weird to me they don't mention his character at all. Hyde was like a son to the Formans and a significant part of the series. They could've said he died or was away, literally anything, but he just wasn't addressed as if he didn't date Jay's mom and live in the Forman's house for years. Leo is the only person with an excuse not to mention Hyde.
Speaking of Leo, he's used perfectly in the That 90's Show. I love Leo, so I'm always down for him getting more screen time, but his usage rate was fantastic. The video scene is hysterical. It's even funnier that he taped over Clerks for his Real World audition. He's excellent in the woods for the picnic scene. I fucking love Leo, man. I'm not going to hold a comedy to the same standards as, say, Mad Men when it comes to historical accuracy in a period piece (it feels so weird considering something from the 90s as such). Still, they could've done a better job making it feel like the summer of 1995. It feels like a Gen Z take on the 90s. There are plenty of references sprinkled in, I liked the cutaways, like Ozzie's 90s talk show, but I'm looking for more, mainly the slang and aesthetic. I'd give the clothes like a B-. The Formans get their first computer, which makes sense from a timeline standpoint with Windows 95, but the language could be much better. Clueless would've come out during the timeline of the season. You'd for sure hear Nikky or Leia drop an "as if" after seeing it. Gwen is too cool and would never, well, maybe ironically. This part isn't that big of a deal, but Red gets that massage chair from Sharper Image (maybe I'm being too hard about the lack of 90s feel?) in the 3rd episode; it's in the living room, then never seen again! 
Here's his chair in episode nine (and appears in e5).
What happened to the massage chair? I'd take a secondary storyline in an additional episode explaining its fate. Did Ozzie or Nate break it? Did Kitty make him return it? Did Bob get stuck in it??? Where does this red chair come from?? One of the better running jokes of the season is Red talking about how much he spent on things years ago as to why he won't get rid of them. You know there'd be a good reason if he replaced it so quickly.
By far the biggest bummer of That 90's Show, apart from how rough Bob looked and sounded (Red is 79 in real life, Bob is only 68) ---
I didn't do Bob any favors using this pic where it low key looks like he's having a heart attack when he reality he's singing a sex song to his granddaughter.
---was the implication that the gang isn't friends anymore.
Eric, Donna, Kelso, and Jackie appear in the first episode, but only Donna returns later in the series (twice). Eric and Donna are presumably at Red and Kitty's for a couple of days, but Kelso and Jackie only show up at the house once they've both left.
Now they're busy since they're about to get re-married (again), which, based on their conversation, the Formans had no idea. Jackie tells them they're registered at Bloomingdales, which I get based on her personality (although she grew throughout the series, this version of Jackie feels like if season 3 Jackie was 35). Even if they did have a falling out, she'd still want a gift. But the whole dynamic of this scene makes it seem like this is the first time they've seen each other in years. There's no mention of their friendships with Donna or Eric or that they just missed them. Plus, the Formans only realize they have a son, Jay, once they meet him this summer. They only met him this summer???
It could just be bad writing. That 70's Show took plenty of liberty with the storyline and plot holes (what happened to Donna's sister???). Maybe we'll see more of the old gang together in the second season, but between this scene and the Kitty-Fez interaction at his Salon where he talks about how Sherri is the first woman he's felt like *this* since Jackie (who he was dating in 1979) things don't add up. It's now over 15 years later, and if Point Place truly is "her town, sweetie," don't you think Kitty would be well in the loop in the love lives of the people she was basically a second mother of in the late 70s? 
You have eyes everywhere but didn't know why Jackie and Fez split up until July of 1995?? Nirvana came and went before you knew what's up? There needed to be more thought put into all the backstories. That 90s Show has potential. Despite my complaints, I'm not writing it off; I genuinely enjoyed it. I'm bummed it was only ten episodes. There wasn't enough time to fully or even adequately develop these new characters.
It's cool that they used actual teens to play the new kids, but they had zero chemistry. Like how did they become friends? It didn't feel authentic and more like some Netflix execs had a checklist of requirements to appeal to the largest demographic possible. I have no issues with a diverse group of friends; I had a diverse group of friends considering the makeup of my town (my grade had like four women of color, and two were in my squad), but we can't just act like the 90s weren't full of hate and shit talk. This was the Jerry Springer generation. This was a time of the Real World and grunge. Things were dirty. Are they all cool with having a gaysian in the squad? If so, bravo, for being so progressive, but even in times of tolerance, there will be jokes about that if you're actually friends. Friends make fun of each other. That's all they did on That 70's Show. The closest we came to that is when Gwen says she wants to be supportive but doesn't believe Ozzie's Canadian boyfriend is real. This is where the lousy writing starts to get the wheels in my mind turning at 3 in the morning. So Leia doesn't live in Point Place. She's from Chicago and visiting. That makes sense. But Jay and everybody else presumably live close by, which means Michael and Jackie still live in Point Place. We're supposed to believe that Red and Kitty didn't know about Kelso and Jackie having a kid? They would've had to know even if they had a falling out or lost touch. Also, their son is at least 16. We can look past how he would've been born during That 70's Show since we're already piling up continuity errors. I get it; this was life before Facebook, but come on. Kitty Forman would know what the fuck is going on. She has eyes everywhere! She worked at a HOSPITAL. She knew the town gossip. You don't think she'd know all the stories of little Jay Kelso following in his father's foot steps? So it's either there was a falling out between everybody once the 80s started, or the writers really need to consider details or authenticity to its mother program. I guess the former could make sense given the Fez-Jackie-Kelso dynamic, but then Donna and Fez are hanging out (I use that term loosely, she's surprised to see him) in the circle in the season finale. Fez talks about how he misses all his people and says Eric is his best friend.
I would love to help fix these issues in season two. That 90's Show was loaded with bad writing! I'm a weird detail guy. I remember dates. I can recall bizarre shit. None of these plot holes would've happened with Ole Dozo in the mix!
Lastly, That 90's Show wasn't that funny. It was alright, but nothing like the 70s. I got into it because I love character-based shows and am a huge That 70's Show fan (I'm a sucker for nostalgia). I was hoping for Eric, Donna, Jackie, Kelso, and Fez (we did get a fair amount of Fez). Eric, Jackie, and Kelso are only in the first episode. I needed more. There were some nice homages to the 70s. The old living room furniture is in the basement and the Packers helmet is still there. The kids still hang at The Hub. Red had some great lines (his interactions with Eric were awesome), and Kitty was a pistol like always, but there weren't many memorable jokes or zingers. Ozzie coming out to people he'll never see again was hysterical. The first Leo scene, where Kitty and Leia are trying to get Clerks from him is fantastic. The 90210 parody was solid, especially the "it's cause I'm a freshman bit." Pastor Dave hanging in the porno section of Video Haven is a smart joke. I think Gwen is one of the stronger characters. I like Leia too. I like them all, although Jay's voice annoys me. Surprisingly, Sherri's sorta does it for me. I'd see if our pieces match. The 5th episode was the best, most well-rounded of the first season (the 1st is good too because of all the OGs). If the people behind That 90's Show can replicate that whenever S2 picks up in the late '95 or sometime in '96, then this series could fly like R. Ke---wait, we don't mention him anymore. It could fly like Sugar Ray! I hope they incorporate the Packers winning the Super Bowl into the storyline next season. I'd love to see Red's reaction. At this point, they last won in 1968 (1967 season)! Rotten Tomatoes gave That 90's Show a 7.6; before I saw that, I was thinking 8.2, and I'm sticking with that, even with my critiques, because I'm a notoriously easy grader and softy. MVPs of season 1 are Red & Kitty Forman. It's so fucking cute when he drops off her resume. I SAID GOOD DAY! P.S. I don't love how the first episode doesn't include the theme song.
Double P.S.
Another thing this season was lacking was a call back to Red and Kitty running up the stairs, but at their ages, I get why they couldn't do that. It'd be funny if they did it with a chairlift. It was cool to see them imply them doing it though. I heard them playing "Tell Me Something Good." Song: Crackerman (live at MTV Unplugged) Artist: Stone Temple Pilots Album: Core (1992) I apologize for the lack of blogs to start the new year; I'll be burning the midnight oil tonight! Ya boi's been on an absolute '90s rock bender the last few months, which is purely a coincidence with my next blog. I've been crushing STP lately. "Big Bang Baby" went from unranked on my original Apple Music Hot 100 to #43 by the end of the year. This song and the entire set makes me miss MTV Unplugged. I was just a little too young to appreciate it at its peak, and I know the M part of MTV is long gone, but Unplugged needs a full-time reprisal somewhere. |
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