The last week has been a little crazy and just a tad seditious, so I totally understand if you missed out on the beginning of racially ambiguous, cool-dick having, ISIS video critic/comedian Joe Mande's "The Week of Hats" extravaganza on the popular social media application instagram.
What started as rebuttal to Seth Rogen's pottery (I originally typed "What started as rebuttal to Seth Rogen's pandemic pottery" nice alliteration, yes, but accurate, no; I scrolled far enough back to see Seth was making ashtrays in at least 2019)...
...has since evolved into Joe Mande's hand-stitched way to create some iconic ironic laughs for a very specific audience and raise money for charity.
During these [everybody's favorite word] uncertain times there is more division than the fourth grade's curriculum. Like Dan Rather says on twitter, while pushing his latest book, we need to find what unites us. I cannot think of anything better to do just that than the leader and founder of Antifa, Joe Mande, selling hand-stitched hats honoring ethnic foods and ending guerrilla leaders.
Unfortunately, I have size 8 cabeza, so none of these adjustable works of art would fit my head. I figured the next best thing I could do is bring awareness to this hilarious cause with my incredibly popular blog.
Monday's hats proceeds are going towards SELAH Neighborhood Homeless Coalition.
Tuesday's hats pay homage to the not so great state of Missouri. All proceeds of these lids will be donated to the Global Hunger Project.
The money that Wednesday's West Valderrama and University of Seppuku hats raise will be donated to Oceana.
The attention to detail in the M in Valderrama is anything but a joke.
Being the hashtag good guy that I am, I forwarded Joe's IG story to my future co-worker and West Virginia native, Nick Turani (of Barstool Sports dot com) in hopes that he could give Almost Wilmer, West Virginia a proper home.
All hats are still up for auction HERE on ebay. If you were to purchase one of these hats under your own volition and organically bring that to my attention it definitely would NOT make for a great follow up blog.
Be sure to follow @JoeMande on instagram to see what Thursday and Friday have in store for the Week of Hats. U! S! A! U! S! A! U! S! A!
It's sort of weird that my last two blogs have turned into promotion for others, but I guarantee you I am not seeing a cent from either and that they did not reach out to me for a sponsored post. Maybe all those years of watching Mad Men are paying off? I'm just a fucking ad guy, bro.
If You're Into Music, Pokémon and Have a Super Disposable Income Than Have I Got Just The Thing For You!
Since we're only in the second full week of the new year (2021) I'm in a new beginnings sorta mood.
I'm actively trying to defeat my binge boi ways again, but in a much more fun and not oversharing sort of (felt more appropriate to use the formal version here) way, I'm switching up my playbook. I need to cast a wider net for my #HireDozo pursuits. I decided to sign up for reddit.
Normally, reddit is just like my 8th spot to find blog ideas and 3rd spot to find porn, but I'm gonna try to see if I can get more eyes on DOL blogs of yesterday and today (videos too) using 18th most popular website on earth because #45 has not been getting it done (what else is new?)
After only adding three communities when I signed up, I decided to add a few more to build my feed.
Inspired by music, I searched Mac DeMarco and Tame Impala and came across this post that caught my glossy eye and inspired this very blog.
Where are my 90's babies at??? How fucking cool are those? I love em. I could get lost in yesterday looking at these if you know what I mean?
Upon further inquiry r/Melodic_M uses vintage Pokemon cards and a lot of copyright infringement to turn album covers into niche and undeniably cool art.
I fucking love this place. R/abalechichi is basically me as a substitute teacher (pre-covid) trying to level with students just trying to get through the day "C'mon, man, I let you make two make Tik-Toks, we had a deal. No you can't go FaceTime for 10 minutes. Please just sit down and do the busywork".
I'm blown away by these cards. It's such a cool concept. I love the creativity, there's incredible detail in the "moves". But I feel like Lori Greiner or Robert Herjavec on Sharktank when they love a contestant's story, but at the end of the day don't see anyway to profit off of it.
It's not to say I don't think R/abalechichi shouldn't or won't profit off these. They're a cool novelty, but maybe this is just the old man in me talking but what the fuck are you going to do with album cover Pokemon cards? Maybe I'm the one who's wrong? Maybe there's tons of people willing to drop $60 on these and I'm just too practical to see it?
I guess you could frame them and hang em up as a conversation piece or stick them in your Tesla to make it sound like a motorcycle, but seriously what's the plan? Spend $1,000 to fill a trapper keeper up with these cards and hope you find someone to play music Pokemon against like it's 1999? I don't mean to sound like a hater because I've put literally my eggs into the Barstool basket; I respect anybody hustling online trying to make it, but what are you actually going to do with these? Yes, I have all my legos and train tracks form when I was a kid in storage totes in the basement, but what does that have to do with this?
While this blog may be a little harsh, I'm not knocking the hustle whatsoever, but during a pandemic I feel like one of the first things people cut to save money was customized children's toys modified for those children all grown up; likely with families to support now. Maybe the prices are that high because the artists get a cut? (HAHAHAHA yeah right) Don't get me wrong these are sick, but what are people actually going to do with these? Use their Frank Ocean "Close To You" card to get laid?
That's actually what it, isn't it? I figured it out. It's a sex thing. That's cool. Just took me a minute cause I'm out of the game because of COVID and only COVID...I guess if you're on a date with someone or walk up them at a bar and literally play the right card that would be awesome as a deer actually not being dead and destroying your partner's car.
If my sales pitch hasn't convinced you enough to check it out then maybe this super 90's website will?
All cards are available at raptrading.co NOT dot com. After all that I feel like I'm gonna end up buying those Tame Impala cards.
One of the things that makes the NFL playoffs great is its finality. Overtime once was and still can be "sudden death". There's no best of 7 series to determine the Super Bowl champ. You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow. This opportunity comes once in a lifetime/season; unless your name is Jared Veldheer.
Jared Veldheer started at Left Tackle for the Colts in the Wild Card Round and will likely start for the Packers in the Divisional Round. When my boy texted me this story and used a line that I imperialism-ed for the title of this blog, I was like "how tf is this possible?" Turns out thanks to COVID protocols it's very possible.
Jared Veldheer can make NFL history this week.
Veldheer, an offensive tackle who played for the Colts on Sunday against the Bills, is signing with the Packers, according to Adam Schefter of ESPN. If he plays for the Packers against the Rams, he becomes the first player in NFL history to play for two different teams in the same postseason.
Ordinarily, that wouldn’t be permitted. But Veldheer was on the Colts’ practice squad, rather than their active roster, and was moved up to the gameday roster as part of the league’s special rules this season to give teams more flexibility to field healthy players during the COVID-19 pandemic. When the game ended, Veldheer reverted back to the Colts’ practice squad, and the Packers are signing him off the practice squad. (Players on active rosters remain under contract and can’t sign with another team after they’re eliminated from the playoffs.)
Veldheer played every offensive snap for the Colts in their loss to the Bills, and he’s likely to play for the Packers as well, given that Green Bay needs help at offensive tackle after David Bakhtiari‘s season-ending knee injury, and that Veldheer played for the Packers last year and knows their offense. Veldheer is set to do something no other NFL player has done.
We've seen players signed during the playoffs before. I remember the Colts signing Deion Branch during the 2013 playoffs. Who could forget Trey Junkin? For an outside of the NFL example, the 2012-13 San Antonio Spurs signed Tracy McGrady for depth during their 2013 Finals run without playing a regular season game. But never before has an NFL player played for two different teams in the same postseason. Jared Veldheer can change that this weekend.
This is some 1920's barnstorming American Professional Football Association type stuff when guys would play for multiple teams under aliases instead playing for one team and working in a factory. As a former lineman who never got his ring, I commend Jared Veldheer for taking advantage of loophole we'll likely never see again.
The 2020 NFL season will forever be linked with COVID-19 and Tom Brady leaving the New England Patriots, but it should also be remembered as the year that NFL coaches got considerably more aggressive. You could say 2020 is the year the NFL's balls collectively dropped, onto the table.
It didn't happen overnight, Bill Belichick infamously went for it on 4th & 2 against the Colts in 2009, but never in the 101 year history of the National Football League was there a season with more points scored or fewer punts than in 2020.
For reference in how much philosophies have changed in relatively short time; in 2004 the Philadelphia Eagles went for in 4th down only FOUR times (fewest in the NFL). This season the Eagles lead the NFL with 35 4th down attempts.
A major reason behind the changes is a simple word that's not so simple to spell: analytics. Teams are using data and advanced statistics to help realize things like you have a better chance of advancing 10 yards in four tries as opposed to three.
It looks like Titans coach Mike Vrabel and Steelers coach Mike Tomlin did not get the message, as both chose to punt instead of keeping the ball in their offense's hand while trailing in playoff games that they would ultimately lose.
Let's start chronologically with the Titans.
Down 17-13 with 10:06 left in the 4th quarter, Tennessee chose to punt on 4th & 2 on the Ravens 40 yard line. Statistically speaking it was the most cowardly punt of the 2020 season.
Going back to at least 1994 (when data this specific started being tracked) a punt has literally never happened in this same situation.
I am the king of putting in a bet, backing out and then having it happen when I pussied out. As a gambler I know how annoying people like me are, but I genuinely have it happen all the time (yay anxiety). The point is that scared money don't make no money!!! Maybe someone should've told the Mikes?
Mike Vrabel won three Super Bowls during his playing days with the Patriots, but claimed he'd cut off his dick for a Super Bowl win as a head coach. Vrabs would become a Ken doll for a 4th ring, but won't give the ball to his 2,000 yard bell cow on 4th & short? Unless he's trans (which is completely cool) and looking for a way to break the ice, don't get it.
You don't even have to give it to Derrick Henry on 4th down, but to have 2nd & 2 and not give it to your 2000 yard back once warrants second guessing at the very least.
Now I get it, I'm just a former player who was a key loss on a 1-7 team over a decade ago who thinks they know football, but I have learned a few things from my Madden days. One is you play to your strengths.
The Tennessee Titans finished the NFL regular season 4th in points scored and 24th in points allowed while giving up more yards than all but four teams. It doesn't take Warren Sharp or the perfect Cynthia Frelund to tell you their strength is their offense.
To the Titans credit, their defense put up one of their best performances of the season, holding Lamar Jackson and the Ravens to only 20 points, but you can only ask so much out of unit that is simply not very good. How can you think you have a better chance of keeping the Ravens out of the end zone than gaining 6 feet with the a top 5 offense in the NFL? After the Titans punted for a net gain of 25 yards, the Ravens still drove into FG range and extended their lead to seven.
Now, Derrick Henry had an awful day and that could've played a factor in the decision, but Vrabel's play calling and predictability set up Tractorcito for failure. More bad coaching yay!
When asked about the decision, Vrabel gave a bullshit, coach speak answer. Via.
Not to be outdone, Mike Tomlin did all he could to take Vrabs off the hook.
In the final game of Super Wild Card Weekend, we saw the Cleveland Browns play their first playoff game since 2002 (which was happened to be against the Pittsburgh Steelers); that game saw the Browns blow a 24-7 lead, before losing 36-33.
When the coach-less Browns were up 28-0, between that nugget from 2002 and the low-hanging (but true) fruit about Cleveland sports "struggles" a Pittsburgh comeback was not out of the realm of possibility.
I've been banging the Steelers are frauds drum all season, but I thought they'd be able to get past a team playing without its Head Coach. When the Steelers were able to battle back to make it a 35-23 game going into the 4th quarter it was clear they had all the momentum. They were in the midst of a 23-7 run and had forced three punts on three Cleveland drives in the 3rd quarter. The proverbial pendulum had swung in the Steelers favor.
On the first play of the 4th quarter, facing 4th & 1 from their own 46 yard line, the Steelers opted to punt and hand deliver the pendulum back to the Cleveland Browns. Not only did they opt to punt, but they tried force the Browns to jump offside from the punt formation in the most obvious "we're trying to get you to jump" moment of Super Wild Card Weekend.
On the ensuing series, the Browns scored a touchdown in only six plays to extend their lead to 19. Pittsburgh had the Browns on the ropes and gave Cleveland the ball back to put the final nail in their coffin.
Now with the Steelers, I can at least fathom why you would punt; there's basically an entire quarter left and despite a poor start, the Steelers are built on their defense that finished 3rd in both points and yards allowed AND the Steelers running game has been all but nonexistent this season.
But sometimes you gotta use your gut. Cris Collinsworth said he'd 1000% go for it. The Steelers had the Browns on the ropes and instead putting the pressure on, they ran out of the ring. Earlier in the first half they punted deep in Cleveland territory down 28-0.
At what point can people stop saying Mike Tomlin is a good coach? How do you not have your guys ready to go against a team WITHOUT ITS HEAD COACH???
Football games are never won or lost on single play (I don't know if I truly believe that), but these two plays certainly hurt their respective teams chances. Which call do you think was worse? I was on Titans ML so I'm a little biased, but either way I'm certainly glad to see #14 on my Personal Power Rankings go home.
Normally I've done some sort of prediction/preview blog before the playoff starts (Wild Card Blogs: 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019) but with the advent of the Super Wild Card Round and #TooManyLegs things are going to be a little bit different this year (how many more times can we read that?). We've got a game on Nickelodeon for God's sake.
Since there's six wild card games as opposed to the regular four, I can find enough legs to have a special Super Wild Card Round of TML. Not that it's not possible with four games, but I don't like to double dip and that would require me doing so for every match-up. This will serve as my 2020 (respect the league year) Wild Card picks blog.
Sadly, Week 17 saw the most devastating end to a teaser yet. 7-1 on legs with the one L coming by a half fucking point. But time is of the essence, I need to get this out so you guys have enough time to get your bets in. Let's get into the teaser.
Week 2 and 3
Week 4; (Week 4 victory recap)
Week 5; (booo Bengals)
Week 7; (Week 7 victory recap)
Week 13; (Victory recap)
Week 15; (victory recap)
Week 17; FUCK the Panthers
Bills -0.5 (from -6.5) AND Bills/Colts OVER 44.5 (from 50.5)
Seahawks +3 (from -3) and Seahawks/Rams UNDER 48.5 (from 42.5)
I know I'm not supposed to tease past zero, but Russell Wilson is absolute money in the playoffs. He's 6-1 in his first game of playoffs (h/t Tommy Smokes) and sure there's no fans in Seattle, but the Rams are starting a dude with a linkedin page and Jude Law hair making his second career start. Do we really expect John Wolford to defeat the MVP of September and October?
I don't expect a ton of points, this is gonna be an ugly game in the teens. MAYBE the Seahawks get into the 20s, but I don't think the Rams will.
In an absolute emergency situation we still have protection with a field goal loss at +3, but I fully expect the Seahawks to win. I'm probably gonna bet the real line as well.
Buccaneers -3 (from -9)
The Football Team has been an awesome story this season, but they straight up don't have a QB and Brady has an absolute chip on his shoulder right now. The Maroon 4 defensive line in Washington could be a problem for TB12, the Bucs have sucked at night, AND 8-8 or worse teams have won their 6 of their last 7 playoff openers, but I'm being a basic bitch and going with my guy who betrayed me and millions of other New Englanders.
Football Team 13
Ravens/Titans OVER 48.5 (from 54.5)
Both teams love to run the ball which sort of worries me in a teased over situation because we could see some long sustained drives, but the Titans defense is so fucking bad bro. We're gonna see some points in Nashville. I wanted to tease them to +9, but just cannot trust their defense even though they beat the Ravens earlier this year and in the playoffs last season. If the Ravens have any pride they'll win this game. In four previous playoff matchups between these two franchises the four team is 4-0.
Bears/Saints OVER 41.5 (from 47.5)
The Bears offense is significantly better with Mitch Trubisky in the line up and I don't like teasing this total either way, so I'm just rooting for points here. These offenses GOTTA find a way to both get into the 20s. With Kamara back, we might just might need the Bears to put up like 13 to do their part.
Steelers PICK EM (From -6)
The way I see it, if we get to this spot alive the possibility of hedging with Browns ML is very much in play. I hate the Steelers and think they're frauds, but the Browns are going out their without a coach and were barely able to beat the Steelers last week when they were resting guys. Big Ben has never lost the Browns in Pittsburgh and while a stat like that could say they're due, it's a tall order without their coach and play caller.
Best of luck and as always, please wager responsibly.
For the first time in the history of dozonlife.com the New England Patriots are not a playoff team; very sad indeed, but I'm actually sorta glad it happened this season. It's much easier to cope with the end of the double-dynasty when society is crumbling like coffee cake. 7-9 doesn't seem so bad when Capitol Police protect like Luke Joeckel. Hey, at least the Punter went All-Pro!
As for the 2020 (respect the league year) NFL Playoffs, ya boi's got no dog in the fight for the first time since 2008. Don't get me wrong, I'm down to foster one for the next month and there's a few puppers I definitely have zero interest seeing hoist the Lombardi Trophy on February 7th. That's what these power rankings are all about. I could be like the "big guys" and write some boring shit about how the Chiefs and Packers are the best teams in the NFL, but that's not why a handful of people come to DOL. You come here for the D on life; what's the Doz man got to say on this?
While one of my 2021 goals is to have more followers than pounds on my body, the fact of the matter is right now I'm niche AF. Most of my readers are people who know me personally (if you don't fall in that demographic I fucking love you for being here) and likely Patriot fans too. Maybe you don't know what to root for? Feel free to follow my personal power rankings of who I want to see win the Super Bowl.
14. Pittsburgh Steelers
When the Steelers kneeled it out against the Texans in week 3 to keep TML alive I claimed I'd never talk shit about them again.
But I've already cut off my nose to spite my face in a blogging/content sense enough by abandoning my Red Sox fandom until John Henry is gone. If I stopped hating the Pittsburgh Steelers I don't know if I'd even be me anymore.
Sure, I can respect the organization in some ways, but the last thing I want is for them to surpass the Pats for most Super Bowl titles as they're currently tied with 6 each. Patriot haters love to mention how bad the Pats were until Brady, but the Steelers sucked for like 40 years until they started winning Super Bowls. They were undeniable worst in their dark days. At least the Patriots were contenders in the 70's and won two AFC championships. The Steelers didn't even win a playoff game until the Immaculate Reception. The Patriots were just founded almost 30 laters and most people have no sense of history.
Oh and it's always been fuck Big Ben. People don't forget.
13. Baltimore Ravens
I used to be somewhat neutral-to-pro Raven because they were one of the Steelers biggest rivals. Then they beat the shit out of the Patriots in the 09 playoffs, but even then it wasn't full fledge hate. That didn't come until they ruined my Christmas present/early 2013 when they beat the Patriots in the 2012 (respect the league year) AFC Championship Game in one of the most frustrating losses in Patriots history.
He may be gone but I'lI always loathe Terrell Suggs. That bleach pouring, baby teeth having, piece of shit was calling the Patriots arrogant after the game as if he did create a fake college dedicated to himself. I don't like how this franchise came about either, those poor Browns fans (we'll get to them soon). Oh and Edgar Allen Poe would've hated football.
TBH I'm v worried about the Ravens going on a run because they're playing fantastic football going into the playoffs and just seem to do better in the postseason when they're on the road. Jon Harbaugh is 8-5 on the road and only 1-2 at home in the playoffs.
12. Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Look, I'll always love Tom Brady and Rob Gronkowski, but shit is not cool right now. Those unfunny Tommy and Gronky videos make my skin crawl. It breaks my heart to know Belichick drove away the two greatest players in franchise history (sorry John Hannah). Yes, I was rooting for Gronk to score 10 TDs, but that's mainly just because I despise Travis Kelce and want to see Gronk retire with better numbers (even though it's almost a certainty Kelce will end up with more yards).
I am not one of these Patriot fans that is rooting for the Bucs to win the Super Bowl. Au Contraire, I'd love to see the Football Team knock them out, but I'm not holding my breath.
There has been enough awful shit to deal with these last 10 months/29 years and I straight up cannot mentality take Tom Brady winning a Super Bowl with the goT damn Tampa Bay Buccaneers right now. I just hate the Steelers and Ravens that much, otherwise they'd be #14 like Chris Godwin after Tom Brady made him give up his identity.
11. Kansas City Chiefs
Despite being heartbroken and personally offended that Tom Brady is no longer of the New England Patriots, I still don't want to see another QB win as many Super Bowls as him or god forbid surpass him. I know absolute worst case scenario he's only in Tampa 10 more years before the world sees him as a Patriot again. If the Chiefs win the Super Bowl this year Patrick Mahomes would already be a third of the way to tie after just three seasons as a starter.
While Travis Kelce and Tyreek Hill can fall off the face of the earth for all I'm concerned, I don't have anything against the simple midwestern people who root for this franchise. I was happy to see this organization win last year and I'm not a monster; I love Andy Reid. I just would much rather see another team who hasn't won in some time/ever do so this season.
10. Los Angeles Rams
I don't hate the Rams by any means, I appreciate them for getting completely shut down by the Patriots in Super Bowl LIII, but I also don't fuck with them at all. I nothing them. I'll never root for L.A. (Chargers don't count) in anything, I don't like the uniforms or Jaylen Ramsey.
Even though I have teams with worse records above them in my personal power rankings, I've been known to be a hypocrite before and I cannot stand when sub-11 win teams win the Super Bowl. The world has already seen one too many 9-7 Super Bowl champs and I would hate for this Rams team to become the second in the final year of a 16 game schedule.
9. Chicago Bears
The '85 Bears might've beaten the Patriots by 36 points in Super Bowl XX, but I was negative -2149 days old when that happened so I have no ill will toward the Monsters of the Midway. This should almost be a tier of its own. I am 100% okay with any of these next nine teams winning it all.
I've never been there, but always I've kind of gravitated towards Chicago in sorta of a reverse Blue Jean Committee situation. It's like midwest Boston IMO.
Even though they're 8-8, I think it would be sort of cool for a team to go from 5-1 to 5-7 to 8-8 Super Bowl champs despite what I just said about the Rams. Plus, I love Big Cat and the Barstool Chicago guys and would like to see them be happy.
8. Indianapolis Colts
I used to hate the Colts with the passion of a thousand suns during the Peyton Manning days, but now that Phil Rivers is here in what could very well be his last chance at a Super Bowl I'm rooting for him, not the horseshoe. I'd love to see the Bolo got a crack at the big one. I'm just not a Jim Ursay guy, so I can't go any higher than eight.
7. Tennessee Titans
I fuck with Vrabs, Tracorcito a lot and even like seeing Ryan Tannehill succeed to spite the Dolphins, but this is still the team who ended the Brady-Belichick era in another incredibly frustrating playoff loss. I'll never get why the Pats punted on 4th and 3 IN Titan territory, but that's not what this post is about. Even though I just typed that, I really don't dislike this franchise. Had I not left Nashville so quickly they'd probably be my step-team.
As a narrative guy in sports I can appreciate the storyline of the Titans coming back even stronger after a surprise AFC Championship Game run. It'd be huge for the "gotta lose before you can win crowd". I just don't see them getting back there with this defense, but I sure wouldn't mind it.
6. Washington Football Team
The NFC East was the media world's punch bagging all season, but the Football Team's defense is legit. Between Ron Rivera and Alex Smith how can you not be happy to see these guys doing well after battling cancer and nearly losing their leg respectively?
Unfortunately, I don't think Alex is going to be healthy enough to play in the Super Wild Card Round, but just the fact that's played and won games this year is a miracle.
If there was to ever be a team to win it all with a losing record, the prospect of it being "The Football Team" is objectively hilarious.
5. Cleveland Browns
After 18 years the Browns are back in the playoffs and while I'd love to see the great Cleveland fans win it all, I think it would be a little too fast for them to have it happen this year. The fact that they have kept Cody Parkey all year almost makes me want to root against them for being so ignorant and tempting fate. You're the Cleveland Browns, perhaps the most snake-bitten franchise of all time and you think Cody "double doink" Parkey is gonna get it done when it matters most? I know you're not supposed to talk like this anymore to victims, but Jeez, talk about asking for it when he misses a 39 yard field goal to go home.
4. Seattle Seahawks
If this was 2016 I would have the Seahawks close to the bottom of the list. I couldn't stand the Seahawks in their Legion of Boom hayday and used to think Russell Wilson was the biggest square in sports. But over the last few seasons I've really grown to respect and appreciate not only Russell, but this franchise as well. There's a lot of guys I love on this team (Russ, Seattle's entire offensive skill position unit and Bobby Wagner) and frankly I picked them to win the Super Bowl in my season preview and wouldn't hate looking somewhat smart there. Plus I think it'd be pretty cool to see Russ win it all without the LOB after costing them a 2nd ring in Super Bowl XLIX.
3. Green Bay Packers
I originally had the Packers at 4 and Seahawks at 3, but called an audible after Aaron Rodgers did something much cooler than recycling Will Ferrell quotes.
As a pure football fan it's impossible to not appreciate what Aaron Rodgers accomplished this season; especially after the Packers traded up to draft his potential replacement after finishing 13-3 with much more glaring needs. I respect a good fuck you and Aaron Rodgers has been in full fuck you mode this season. Even though I started saying like eight years ago that there's a great chance he turns into Brett Favre only winning one Super Bowl in GB despite being an all-time QB, as a narrative guy, I love the story of Aaron winning his 2nd ring a full decade after his first after the Packers basically told him to fuck off by drafting bust-in-waiting Jordan Love.
2. Buffalo Bills
Bills fans might hate the Patriots, but I don't care. I love Bills Mafia and have a fucking soul. The Buffalo Bills have dealt with arguably more heartbreak than any other franchise in NFL history. The Lions just suck. The Bills have had their hearts ripped out and then sucked for 20ish years. This team is so easy to root for, even if Cole Beasley has lame shaved-sides long hair.
Perhaps this is a tad bit pandering since they've literally never been a threat to the Patriots until the double-dynasty on its last leg, but I have absolutely nothing against the Buffalo Bills. I hate the Jets and Dolphins, but the Bills have always been alright in my eyes. Rooting against the Bills is like rooting against a single mom trying to get back on her feet. I'd absolutely love to see them win it all before the Patriots miraculously are the class of the NFL again.
1. New Orleans Saints
I know the Saints won the Super Bowl in 2009 (respect the league year), but since then it's been nothing but heartbreak for this vagabond franchise. 2010 they lost in the beast quake game to a 7-9 Seahawks. In 2011 they went 13-3, but were a wild card team and ended up losing in San Francisco in the Divisional Round in the Catch III. 2012 there's the bounty. 2013 they weren't legit Super Bowl contenders, but almost beat Seattle in Seattle. Then it was three straight years of 7-9 despite having a top 10 offense every year. Then they get back to the playoffs in 2017 and lose on the Minnesota Miracle. In 2018 even though they did plenty on their own volition to blow that game that they led 13-0 in, they were robbed by the most egretious missed call I've ever seen. Finally last season in 2019 they went 13-3 again and somehow ended up a wild card team and lost in OT on a very questionable no call. From 1990-2019 when the playoff format was six teams in each conference with the top two teams getting byes only three teams went 13-3 and didn't receive a first round bye; two fo them were the Saints (the other was the 1999 Tennessee Titans were who a wild card team since the Jags went 14-2).
With Drew Brees likely retiring this year, again I'm not a monster, I think it'd be a great story to see him go out on top after what the Saints have dealt in the playoffs the last few years. Sure I was a little butthurt with his anthem comments this summer, but I've moved on. I know Drew Brees is a good guy and he did a lot to help New Orleans after Katrina. He's not exactly a corpse like 2015 Peyton Manning and has the help of Taysom Hill so yes even though it's kind of lame to root for one of the better teams left, I want to see the Saints win it all.
Who are you rooting for in the NFL playoffs? Be sure to sound off in the comments below!
From the guy who brought you "Getting Kicked Out of Fenway the Same Night as the Adam Jones Incident for Simply Cheering for the Red Sox" brings you "The Guy Who was Banned From Twitter the Same Day (within 24 hours, but that doesn't flow as well) as Donald Trump".
What a sick, cruel joke that I found out with 11 hours and 58 minutes to go. IYKYK.
One told some subpar jokes and gave social commentary on the inequalities in our society and the other incited a riot. Like John Mulaney once said about lobster and skittles "those are equal in my eyes".
I honestly don't know what I even said to get the same treatment as a maniacal wannabe dictator. I was firing off tweets like the Capitol Police weren't firing off rubber bullets at Domestic Terrorists; just trying to laugh my way through the horror nbd lol.
Based on my research, I guess this sequence is what set me in? Or should I say set me out?
I legitimately don't remember the tweet that got taken down. I don't know what I said that twitter deemed boot-worthy. I wish I did as it'd only help this blog, but I have this problem of putting my brain on the cloud. If I can look something up, it doesn't stay in my brain. It's why I still need to use my GPS to get home from work everyday.
As ugly, disgusting, terrifying, maniacal (such a fitting word that I have to use it twice) and disheartening yesterday's attack on democracy was, I wasn't gonna just sit there and not try to profit* off of this terror. [*try to grow my brand by catching some likes, maybe even a follow or two from some shitty jokes to help achieve my dream of writing for Barstool Sports] After all, that's what being an American is all about!
After returning to teach "in-person" to an empty school and hating my job more than normal, all I wanted to do after work yesterday was blog. I was so excited to finally blog about the Barstool Fund on DOL and how incredible it was that The Today Show had El Pres on to promote this awesome charity. I was looking forward to some positivity during not so awesome times. I was so souped to see "mainstream" media finally giving Barstool the respect and credit they deserve for helping countless small businesses.
That was my plan until about 1:30 PM when I saw what was going down in our nation's capital and Capitol Building. Things changed drastically. My entire focus shifted to D.C. and using my microscopic platform (92 twitter followers as of 6:09 PM) to provide some comic relief and genuine thought during this horrific day.
I left work early and was glued to my TV, watching what looked like a scene out of Olympus Has Fallen. I tried to blog what was going on in real time, but just couldn't take the time to look away from the TV. I've been dealing with some serious writer's block/anxiety for what feels like months and was able to get this far before diving into more coverage of this failed coup d'etat.
More DOL tweets from my currently suspended twitter account during the siege on the Capitol.
During all of this I put up (what is now) the most successful post in the history of @dozonlife on instagram.
And that got fucking taken down too.
Luckily my post was eventually put back up. Sucks I wasn't able to cash in all the internet clout that your bigger, more established accounts did, but check the timestamps!! I know I've got what it takes to be where I want to be.
Unlike the South, Dozo will rise again.
Good thing I've got a back-up account with a decent following.
Had to drop a URI zinger after nailing that joke formula earlier.
The numbers show that I've still got, I just can't get my DOL following to grow. I know that will change eventually. #FreeDozo #HireDozo
I have found the tweet that did me in. Shame on me for saying I canât get over the President of the United States of America saying he loves domestic terrorists and thinks theyâre special. My bad.
Fifteen Modern-Era Player Finalists for the Pro Football Hall of Fame's Class of 2021 include four first-year eligible players.
Quarterback Peyton Manning, wide receiver Calvin Johnson, defensive back Charles Woodson and defensive end Jared Allen are in their first years of eligibility.
The Modern-Era Player Finalists are determined by a vote of the Hall's Selection Committee from a list of 130 nominees named in September that was reduced to 25 semifinalists in November.
The 2021 Modern-Era Player Finalists with their positions, years and teams, as announced on NFL Network on Tuesday:
These 15 finalists will be presented to the full 48-member Pro Football Hall of Fame Selection Committee during its annual meeting on "Selection Saturday," the day before Super Bowl LV. The finalists will be 18 in total, which includes senior finalist, Drew Pearson; contributor finalist, Bill Nunn; and coach finalist, Tom Flores.
Though there is no set number for any enshrinee class, the selection process by-laws provide that between four and eight new members will be selected. The Class of 2021 will be revealed during NFL Honors on Saturday, Feb. 6.
The Pro Football Hall of Fame's Class of 2021 will be enshrined Sunday, Aug. 8, 2021 in Canton, Ohio. Other events during the week of festivities will include the rescheduled Hall of Fame Game between the Pittsburgh Steelers and Dallas Cowboys on Aug. 5, the Gold Jacket Dinner on Aug. 6 and the Centennial Class of 2020 Enshrinement on Aug. 7.
The 15 finalists for the Pro Football HOF Class of 2021 were announced today (depending on posting time), included four first-time finalists. Even though ya boi, Ole Dozo is not one of the 48 members of the Pro Football Hall of Fame Selection Committee, between my love of sports history and critiquing others, this is a topic right up my alley.
Seeing players I grew up hating, like Peyton Manning or that were drafted while I was in high school (playing football), like Calvin Johnson eligible for the Hall already is a serious "you're pushing 30 moment" for me, but I can put the biases of my younger days behind me to impartially say which of these men deserve a bust in Canton this year. It's not to say I don't think some of these guys will get the call eventually, but there's only so many spots. I may have despised Peyton Manning in my youth, but even I can admit Peyton's Places on ESPN+ is a solid streaming program.
Between the 20 members of NFL's 2020 Centennial Class whose enshrinement was delayed due to COVID and the at least four new members from the Class of 2021, it's going to be a capital V busy August in Canton, Ohio.
According to the Hall's by-laws anywhere from four and eight members can be selected by the Selection Committee. Even though said committee doesn't submit ballots, this blog will serve as mine since I'm not gonna make that meeting. Here's the DOL Pro Football Hall of Fame Class of 2021.
Peyton Manning, QB: Indianapolis Colts 1998-2011; Denver Broncos 2012-2015
There's no denying Peyton Manning's place amongst the all-time greats. He's a surefire, first ballot HOFer. IMO he's the third best QB of the NFL-post merger after Tom Brady and Joe Montana.
Sure, the Sheriff's first Super Bowl victory came against the highflying Rex Grossman Bears in a postseason where he threw 3 TD and 7 INT. And yes, it's true, he won a second Super Bowl in his final season when documented prayer, Von Miller & the Broncos "No Fly Zone" defense carried the carcass of this five-time MVP to victory over the Panthers in Super Bowl 50 (final stat line: 13-23 for 141 yards, 0 TD, 1 INT, 2 fumbles (one lost) and five sacks) but the Hall would not be complete without the NFL's all-time leader in playoff one and dones with nine (9).
Charles Woodson, DB: Oakland Raiders 1998-2005, 2013-2015; Green Bay Packers 2006-2012
Charles Woodson ended up winning the Heisman over Peyton Manning in 1997, but that holds zero merit for a gold bust in Canton. It's what Woodson did during his 18 year career that makes him a first ballot HOFer in my eyes.
Calvin Johnson, WR: Detroit Lions 2007-2015
I was almost going to go full Baseball HOF voter hardo and leave Megatron off my ballot because I thought Randy Moss didn't get in on the first ballot, but I had him confused with Terrell Owens, so he's in. Although I'd be lying if I said Calvin calling it quits in his prime didn't hurt his case a little to me.
Even though he retired at just 30, in his nine NFL seasons Megatron cemented himself amongst the greatest to ever play Wide Receiver. I wouldn't be shocked to see him fall short on the first ballot just because he played for the Lions and retired early, but Calvin did more than enough to earn himself a bronze bust.
Ronde Barber, DB: Tampa Bay Buccaneers 1997-2012
Lots of people use a simple gut reaction test when debating Hall of Famers in all sports. They'll say something like "if you have to hesitate they're probably not a HOFer". Well, when I say Ronde Barber, I instantly think HOF and honestly I'm a little surprised it's taken this long. Maybe it's because he played in Tampa? Maybe it's because played DB and I feel like they have a hard time getting in early? Maybe it's because people didn't realize the NFL's all-time leader in consecutive starts for a defensive back has been out of football since 2012? All I know is Ronde was one of the focal points of one the NFL's most dominant defenses. Plus anytime you close a stadium, you're HOF in my book.
As for actual statistical achievements:
Tom Flores, Coach: Oakland/Los Angeles Raiders 1979-1987; Seattle Seahawks 1992-1994
Tom Flores and George Seifert are the only eligible coaches to win two Super Bowls who are not enshrined in Canton. Both did so with all-time great shoes to fill; John Madden for Flores and Bill Walsh with Seifert. I think both have been hurt by unsuccessful stints after their time in California, but I'm not here to talk about Seifert, I just think there's a lot of parallels between the two.
I know Flores coached (mostly) before I was born, so I'm basing everything off of what I've seen from NFL Films and read online over the years, but I've heard players say nothing but good things about this man and how he lead the Raiders in the 80's. The Hall of Fame is a museum that pays tribute to not only the all-time greats, but significant people in the history of the game. Tom Flores is the first minority Head Coach to win the Super Bowl. I feel like that's a pretty important milestone to document in the Pro Football HOF. He's also the first coach to lead a Wild Card team to a Super Bowl win (1980 Oakland Raiders).
During his nine years as Head Coach of the Raiders, Flores was 30 games over .500 (83-53) won two rings and went to the playoffs five times. Maybe his 14-34 stint in Seattle has kept him out? But even at 97-87, Flores still has a better winning percentage than HOF coach Weeb Ewbank (.502%; a whopping one game over .500) and more wins than recently inducted, Jimmy Johnson.
Drew Pearson, WR: Dallas Cowboys 1973-1983
Drew Pearson is literally the only non-special teams member of the NFL's First-team for the 1970's All Decade Team not in the Hall of Fame. He has waited long enough for his well-deserved spot in Canton.
Like I just mentioned with Flores, there's more to the story than stats alone; impact on the game's history matters too. Drew Pearson just so happened to be on the receiving end of Roger Stabauch's famous first "Hail Mary" pass in the 1975 Divisional Round.
During his 11 year career Drew Pearson tallied 489 receptions for 7,822 yards and 48 touchdowns. In 22 playoff games he add 68 catches, 1,131 yards and 8 touchdowns. Pearson recorded two 1000 yard seasons in an era where 800 yards was a monster year.
In 1974 he finished second in the NFL in receiving yards, only five behind Cliff Branch with 1087; third place had 785. He finished 5th in receiving yards in 1975, 10th in 1976, 1st in 1977 and 8th in 1979.
If Lynn Swann is in the HOF with zero seasons over 900 receiving yards and only 336 career receptions, I think Roger Stabuach's #1 target and fellow First-team All 1970's WR deserves his spot too. I'll say it again. He's literally the only (non-special teams) First-team member of the NFL's All 70's team not in the HOF. Drew Pearson is becoming the Jerry Kramer of skill position guys. Hopefully this is finally Drew's year.
Who do you think will get into the Hall of Fame this year? Who would you have included? Sorry John Lynch I probably should've let you get in with Ronde, but it's already almost midnight. Better luck next year!
He's not on the ballot, but the Pro Football Hall of Fame is not complete without Howard Cosell. That's for another day; I'm not opening that can of worms at this hour.
When #TooManyLegs Week 17 lost by HALF A POINT in a game that featured a missed extra point and this awful exhibition of football (reads weird because of the ESPN app, but I believe in you) I wasn't exactly super-psyched to watch Sunday Night Football.
My roommate brought up the prospect of playing Jackbox, so the Eagles-Football Team football game was relegated to TV2, while my roommate and I played Jackbox on TV1.
Admittedly, I wasn't paying super close attention to the game while dominating "Blather Round", but I saw WFT up 10-0, only to then trail 14-10, before winning 20-14. When my full attention shifted to SNF and I saw Jalen Hurts wasn't playing, I just assumed he got hurt.
I quickly learned that he was not hurt, but benched for back-up Nate Sudfeld; despite only trailing by 3 points in the 4th quarter. There were many "questionable" personnel and in-game decisions that caused the general public to wonder whether or not the Eagles threw the game to keep the Giants out of the playoffs.
Going into Sunday Night Football the Football Team ultimately controlled their own fate. If they beat the Eagles, they were division champs. Simple as that like '09 Cudi.
IF the Eagles won, then the winner of Cowboys @ Giants from earlier in the day would be NFC East champs. The New York Giants beat the Cowboys to "improve" to 6-10 and waited to see if the Eagles would beat the Football Team.
During the game some members of the New York Giants voiced their distain for Pederson's decision to bench Hurts.
Even former Giants QB, Eli Manning, got in on the action.
Losers in the media had something to say about Hurts benching too.
Joe Judge made it seem like the 13-3 Giants missed the playoffs on a tiebreaker and that the Eagles just didn't have to deal with COVID either.
If you think this is my anti-Giants bias seeping into DOL, read a blog one time for me. This is me grabbing one of the proudest organizations in all of sports by their chubby cheeks and telling them to wake the fuck up and stop their belly-aching. Only three franchises have won multiple Super Bowls during the 21st century and you're one of them. Start acting like it (oh wait you can't because it was just two of the luckiest runs in the history of sports).
You look like absolute crybaby bitches being mad at the Eagles because it helped lead to your 10 loss team missing the playoffs. Was the move bush? A little, but have some accountability one time. The Giants blaming the Eagles for them missing the playoffs is like blaming Chris Kirkpatrick for *NSYNC's break up. It's like bringing an "everything" pizza to a party and thinking nobody wants it because of the olives. Sure they're gross, but it's the anchovies keeping the people away, Joe.
I know I recently blogged praise directed at J.J. Watt for not quitting during the latter stages of a "lost season" and I stand by that. If you're a player getting paid, the very least you owe is your best effort. What Pederson did didn't exactly help the New York Football Giants out, but I'm fucking sorry, G-Men. YOU WON 6 GAMES. SIX!! Half a dozen wins. You have nobody to blame but yourself.
I don't blame #43Burgers for putting on 75 pounds in 2020 (I blame COVID and 28+ years of using food to cope). It was only one day. That only explains like maybe seven of said pounds and 1/366th of the year. What about the other days, Dozo?
Plenty of teams have pulled starters in Week 17 before and will again (well in Week 18 next year, but you get the fucking point). Take a hard look in the mirror, G-Men. You finished 31st in total offense and points scored, but yeah, a quarter of Nate Sudfeld is what really did you in.
I know Hurts ran for two scores, but he was also 7 for 20 passing with just 72 yards and an interception. It's not like Kevin Cash pulling Blake Snell or in a football analogy...like pulling Aaron Rodgers OR any quarterback who was completing, idk....half their passes?
Did the Eagles tank in front of all of us on national TV? Probably. Did the New York Giants start 0-5? Yes. Did the Giants start 1-7? Also yes.
At least someone in the Giants organization gets it.
You aren't the 1981 Cincinnati Reds, whomst had the best record in Major League Baseball, but missed the playoffs during the strike year because of the split-season playoff format.
You're the 6 win New York Football Giants. SHUT. THE. FUCK. UP.
Joe Judge really does get Hardo of the Year for that speech. Bro, COVID and life during it has sucked, there's literally no denying that, you can quote me on that until the end of time...but players finding out that practice is virtual for the day at 6:30 AM isn't exactly life in trench warfare. You won 6 games. End of story. Better luck in 2021.
meme via: @Alex_Nooge
Going into Week 15, I wrote a blog about five "long shot" statistical milestones to keep your eye on in the final three weeks of the 2020 NFL Regular Season.
Last week, I refreshed your memory and updated where all five players (Patrick Mahomes, Derrick Henry, Aaron Rodgers, Rob Gronkowski and Marlon Humprey) stood going into Week 17 and can confirm that at least one human person read that blog; hooorraaay!
Thank you Seanny boy for the advise.
I'm happy to break the news in a timely fashion, that one those players actually reached and surpassed their statistical milestone!
Derrick Henry rushed for 250 yards (and 2 TD) against the Houston Texans to surpass the 2,000 yard mark AND help his Tennessee Titans clinch the AFC South for time first time since 2009.
I can admit the writing wasn't that well/good in second blog. Way to let a lack of serotonin get in the way of believing in something, Dozo!
That was just two weeks after giving Derrick Henry a 55% chance (based on extensive guessing) at reaching 2K.
There's no other way to say it; Derrick Henry is an absolute beast. Anytime they throw your name in the likes of Jay Ajayi, you know you've done something special.
Seriously, when you see what Tractorcito is doing compared to the rest of the league he's even more impressive. Only nine players ran for over 1,000 in 2000. If Derrick Henry's production was 1960's music; he's the Beatles. Dalvin Cook is like the Beach Boys and everybody else is? and the Mysterians (fantastic reference that likely went over everybody's head).
Congratulations to Derrick Henry on this accomplishment and immortalizing himself in NFL history as only the 8th player to rush for 2K in a single season. In an era where "elite" RBs stay elite for less time than it takes a polaroid to develop, Derrick was clearly worth the pay day he received this off-season.
Quick Dozie Downer point...I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a tiny bit worried about the treads on Tractorcito's tires after 681 carries the last two years.
That being said, given how much of an absolute man amongst boys Derrick Henry is, I feel like we could see him become the first player to ever hit 2K twice. I still can't believe how much he's gone off after looking like a low key bust until that famous TNF Jaguars game in 2018.
Shoutout to fellow 2,000 yard rusher and noted picture subject, Barry Sanders for giving Tractorito such a warm welcome to the #2000 yard club.
Five of the other six other players to reach 2,000 yards paid their respects as well.
I love seeing a man enshrined in the Pro Football Hall of Fame pulling the same desperate for engagements move as a certain future Barstool blogger/author of this post.
Way to pour your heart into that one, Chris. Dude plays on the same team you did!
Appreciate AD practicing social distancing by looking at a camera that was at least six feet away from the one Tractorcito was posing for.
Of course Eric Dickerson had to bring up money. Bro he JUST got paid, who are you Suit Man?
When you're added to a group chat you don't want to be in.
I guess Jamal Lewis was too busy making Cameos to pay his respects to Tractorcito.