At first glance reigning NL MVP Christian Yelich's new walk-up music may not set off any alarms. "Roxanne" by The Police off of 1978's Outlandos d'Amour. Perhaps Yeli is just paying homage to a certain wannabe blogger from Rhode Island's go to karaoke song? #roxanneguy Or maybe this is one of the best subtle troll jobs my goldfish brain can think of in recent memory.

To paint a picture for you, Christian Yelich is going to have his naked (picture) in the ESPN The Magazine Body Issue.  Tastefully, of course.  You know? The same magazine that gave us these same unforgettable images.

I couldn't sworn the magazine was coming to an end. It turns out I was right! After some quick wiki-search mid sentence it my inner thoughts were confirmed; this is going to be the final Body Issue of ESPN The Magazine.  ESPN the Mag will cease production in September. Making this moment by Yeli even more historic.

Tuesday morning Yeli had to tell a certain Roxane just how-he-feel.

Tuesday night he doubled down on Roxanne the best way possible.

I mean how can you not love this?  It's completely harmless and absolutely hilarious. Yelich has shown he has a personality and likes to have fun.  He's not gonna let some maga mom dictate what he does. I love this so much. He didn't go super hard at her on twitter. He wasn't a dick, even though he totally could've been. Instead the dude just had some fun with the situation. Something we all need to do more. 

I was straight up consumed by 13RW Friday and Saturday.  My house could've been on fire and I wouldn't have been phased.  During that binge I was able to take a break and hear the latest from Blink-182 and the 1975, as they both debuted Friday too. Both quickly took an immediate back seat in my brain as I sought to find out who killed Bryce Walker.  I sort of hated myself (more than usualolol) for feeling somewhat sympathetic towards him just like the damn writers want me to. FTR I don't,  I'm glad he and someone else are Netflix dead.


Now is your turn to be exposed to this opposite of ASMR that is "People" by the 1975.

This song almost made my ears throw up during the first listen.  It confronts you immediately. I nearly turned it off, but god damnit it's starting to grow on me. When you finally make out what a weave-wearing Matt Healy is saying it's actually profound.  I definitely am more of an 80's sounding 1975 guy. It's hard to believe this is the same band that gave us "Chocolate" or "The Sound".

The hardcore, distorted, warehouse rave sound for sure isn't my first choice and I still don't fuck with the distorted yell-singing at the 2:10ish mark at all.  It's not for dozo. Ruins the song for me. If you like it, cool. To each their own. 

The 1975 don't get too comfortable with one sound and are clearly willing to experiment. Proving once and for all that they are NOT a pop band.   They take risks which I can appreciate. Still one of my favorite bands. Their music actually says something... unlike Imagine Dragons.  


Then there's the Willie Mays in 1973 World Series past their prime mash-up spectacular by the summer tour duo that nobody asked for in Blink-182 and Lil Wayne's What's My Age Again/ A Milli.  

This song really bummed me the fuck out. It's God awful and completely unneeded. I guess is they felt like they had to put out some sort of song to do together on the last leg of this tour?  I wouldn't be shocked if they just picked name of songs out of a hand. We could of just as easily gotten First Date/ Mrs. Officer.

I like millions of other people still don't understand this whole tour.  Why? Blink-182 with Lil Wayne in 2019 makes about as much sense as the Jonas Brothers going on tour with Slayer. It's like the Wayweather-Pacquiao of music coming way too late in both's careers. 
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You can really tell Mark is getting older in the vocals. It's okay, it's life, it happens. Tom Brady doesn't throw the ball 70 yards anymore & still won the Super Bowl. He still has it.  But this song is just straight cheddar cheesy bro. Seeing this whole Matt Skiba Blink-182 thing breaks my heart.  Blink-182 is not Blink-182 with Tom Delonge.  Plain and simple. Two transcendent songs mashed together does not equal success imo. Normally I love cross-genre covers and weird mashups but this really just left a bad taste in my mouth.  

I feel bad shitting on a band that has meant so much to me throughout my life, but I'm also not in the business of pretending I like stuff that I don't. Clearly Mark doesn't forget the shit blink has gotten over the years.  I still find it hard to believe people hated I Miss You. 

This topic really got my new twitter buzzing.

To me it's no contest. Blink and Weezy take the title of worst new song of the weekend. I'm sorry Mark and Travis. What do you think?

As a football fan, this is really sad news. 



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But, as a Patriots fan...

Just keep thinning the herd, baby.





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Like most straight males, I have already binged all of 13 Reasons Why season 3. #IloveMrsJensen

At 9:31 PM Saturday night I received an "OMG" text from a buddy of mine. It was almost immediately followed by an "ANDREW LUCK RETIRED" text, but for a split second I thought he finally made it about half way through episode 5 where "OMG" is a completely rational reaction.  I'm a civilized human-being so there will be no spoilers here...but holy shit right? Everything makes so much sense now! Even if there isn't a ton of overlap between my non-existent readers who care about the Andrew Luck news and my non-existent readers who care about 13RW.... it's the least I can do.

After finding out Andrew Luck was retiring, I was like "LFG, this is the perfect story to get my toe wet in the blogging waters again." Unfortunately I had just started watching a movie with my roommate and because I'm a civilized human-being I wasn't gonna be like "Never mind, bro. Time to go blog so my mom and four facebook friends can see what I think about Andrew Luck 15 minutes into starting Blow".

As you can tell DOL morale is at an all-time high.

Obviously this is humongous-big news around the NFL and likely will be for sometime, or at least until Antonio Brown finally picks a fucking helmet. In a somewhat staggering trend, the game is losing another one of its brightest stars too soon. Patrick Willis, Calvin Johnson, Kam Chancellor and Rob Gronkowski are others that first come to mind.  Before them it was like Jim Brown, Gayle Sayers and Barry Sanders. That's it for 50 + years.  But this is different. This is a QB walking away. Quarterbacks have had the rules tailored to protect them, yet Andrew Luck has still taken his beatings just like every male character on 13 Reasons Why. One of the best quarterbacks in the game, and most hyped draft prospects of all time is calling it quits before the age of 30.

In an day-late knee-jerk reaction this completely changes the landscape of the AFC. Despite the lack of blogging lately, I was planning out an NFL preview at some point in the next 10 days.

I was fully ready to put the Colts at 11-5 AFC South Champs (for the first time since 2014) with the possibility of a bye.  As an unbiased football fan I loved this team's future. I was so ready to reach on Marlon Mack in my fantasy draft next week. The Colts 2018 draft class was incredible with guys like Quenton Nelson and Darius Leonard ready to take that "second year jump".  They finally solidified the O-line. Sadly, it was a little too late as injuries have already gotten the best of Luck. Even though I historically don't really fuck with the Colts (for obvious reasons), I considered myself an Andrew Luck fan.  I mean how could you not be? 

I guesssss I'd get it if you're a fan of an AFC South "rival" (Luck owned every team in the division) but with two expansion teams and a relocated franchise those aren't exactly the most passionate fan bases around. â€‹And despite his playoff success, Luck never made a Super Bowl. It's not like killed the dreams of too many franchises.  Basically like Phillip Rivers. His biggest playoff win IMO was the 2014 divisional round IN Denver against Peyton Manning and they won the Super Bowl the next year.  My point is Andrew Luck was beloved.

It was made even more evident by the support he's received online for being a quitter. (to the idiots in the comments from latest Black Keys blog the-black-keys-americas-sweethearts-make-fun-of-their-hiatus-in-the-bands-first-music-video-since-2014.html this is a joke)

If Luck had declared after the 2010 College Football Season he would he would have gone #1 over Heisman Trophy winner and National Champion Cam Newton in the 2011 NFL Draft.  Instead he went back to school. The now two-time Heisman runner-up went #1 overall in the 2012 NFL Draft over another Heisman winning QB in Robert Griffin III.

Decent numbers at Stanford.

I mean look at this love Andy Luck was getting back in the early 2010's. These are straight off the greatest research resource of all time, wikipedia:

"In September 2010, before Luck's sophomore season, Sports Illustrated′s Tony Pauline considered him "the most NFL-ready of all the draft-eligible quarterback prospects." After a stellar sophomore year, Luck was widely projected to be the No. 1 pick in the 2011 NFL Draft, but decided to return for his junior year.  In May 2011 he was unanimously projected as the top prospect for the 2012 NFL Draft.  By midseason, Pauline described him as "the best quarterback since Peyton Manning" in 1998, while ESPN′s Mel Kiper Jr. went even further, calling Luck the best quarterback prospect since John Elway in 1983.[36]Despite Robert Griffin III′s impressive Heisman Trophy-winning season, Luck's status as the No. 1 overall draft prospect was never questioned."

You may have forgotten the whole "suck for Luck" sweepstakes during the 2011 NFL season among bottom-dwelling teams. That season the Colts found themselves in unfamiliar waters without Peyton Manning who missed the entire season due to neck surgery/recovery and ended up with the #1 pick in the 2012 NFL Draft after finishing 2-14. 

At the time there was some debate of what the Colts should do? Ultimately they decided to release Peyton Manning and go with Andrew Luck. It's easy to second guess now if the Colts made the right call, but let me save you some time...they did. 

Yes, Peyton Manning technically won a Super Bowl with the Broncos as their starting quarterback. But the Colts 1000% made the correct move even if the outcome is unfavorable. There was just too much unknown with Peyton on the time. You gotta go with the younger guy. I think it worked out. It's not like Andrew Luck was Joey Harrington. They followed up a future HOFer with a guy who could've made it to Canton had his ankle held up. Just shitty luck (unintended). If anything you need to blame them (Ryan Grigson) for not building a complete team around Luck.  The horrible offensive line play is a major reason why Andrew Luck missed 26 career games and is calling it quits before age 30.

Peyton's first three seasons in Denver were incredible offensively. Record-breaking if you want to get technical. From 2012 to like week 11 2014 Peyton Manning was still Peyton Manning. Playing like a top 5 all-time QB. Even with a dying arm he still managed to throw 55 duck touchdowns in 2013 and followed it up with 39 in 2014 (36 in the first 12 games). But to paraphrase from a buffoon by the name of Max Kellerman he became a bum in short order.

This needs to be remembered until the sun burns out....

The 2015 Broncos defense is literally a top 5 defense of all time.  I honestly believe 25 quarterbacks (maybe more) who were in the league that year could've won that Super Bowl. Think of Trent Dilfer's credit with 2000 Ravens. Peyton Manning threw for 9 touchdowns and 17 INT in 2015.  In the Super Bowl he went 13-23 for 141 yards 0 TD 1 INT. He was sacked 5 times and fumbled twice (losing one). Of the Broncos 24 points, one touchdown was scored defensively and the other was set up by Cam Newton's business decision. That gave the Broncos the ball inside the 5 yard line where the proceeded to not let Peyton throw until two point conversion time.  Peyton to his credit connected on the two-pointer and did lead two field goal drives. The Broncos scored a field goal on the opening drive of the game where he passed for 45 yards on 4/6 passing (one completion was for -1 yards). That drive made up for almost 32% of his passing yards of the game in the worst "close" Super Bowl ever. His corpse was carried to a sunset finish with Papa John by Von Miller and co. In a way it was sort of ironic for his career to end getting carried to a Super Bowl after all those high flying Colts teams that couldn't stop a nosebleed.

 You can't simply say the Colts made the wrong decision because Peyton "won" a Super Bowl in Denver. If in an alternate universe Peyton stays in Indy it means Tim Tebow still starts for the Bronco and he wins that Super Bowl.  Who knows how the 2012-14 Colts look with Peyton? It also means Andrew Luck doesn't end up a Colt and who knows how his career ends up if he lands elsewhere? Maybe he actually has an offensive line? The Rams may still be in St. Louis, but this blog is not about crazy what if's (great idea for later).

As for the Colts post-Peyton they surprised the NFL in 2012 and went 11-5 in Luck's rookie year. They lost in the Wild Card round on the road in Baltimore to the eventual Super Bowl champion Ravens. The next two seasons the Colts would again go 11-5. Advancing one round further in the playoffs each year as well.

In the 2013-14 wild card round Andrew Luck lead the Colts back from a 38-10 deficit vs Kansas City; the 2nd largest comeback in NFL history. This was the Colts first playoff win since the 2009 AFC Championship Game. 

The Patriots would end their season the next week  43-22 in the divisional round.

​The next year the Colts defeated Bengals and Colts respectively before losing the AFC Championship 45-7 entirely because of deflated footballs.

Not only were the Colts inching towards a Super Bowl, but Luck's play improved each season. Highlighted by his league leading 40 touchdown passes in 2014.

Then his career trajectory took a turn for the worst.  Luck only started 7 games in 2015, winning 2. The Colts missed the playoffs for the first time in his career.  Although he bounced back started 15 games in 2016, the Colts missed the playoffs again. After missing the entire 2017 season after shoulder surgery 2018 began with the 3rd worst possible outcome a team could have after 6 games. The Colts were 1-5 and another disappointing season in Indy seemed inevitable. After starting his career with 33 wins in 3 years Luck had just 10 since.  

After a loss to the Jets the Colts would go onto win 10 of their last 11 games to make the playoffs as the 6 seed. They became only the 3rd team since the merger to make the playoffs after a 1-5 start. Luck would go on to pass for 39 touchdowns, the 2nd most yard in the league, win comeback player of the year and his 4th playoff game.

If Andrew Luck never plays another down again these are his career numbers.

He's in no way a HOFer, but in his short NFL career Andrew Luck made his mark. Whether it was his flip phone or neckbeard is up to you.  The four time Pro Bowler lead the NFL in passing touchdowns in 2014, and won at least 10 games in every season he started all 16 games. It's a shame to see such a promising career end so soon, especially when it looked like the Colts were a team going in the right direction under Frank Reich. 

In an era where mental health is finally starting to be valued Andrew Luck was rather refreshing in his retirement press conference. I'm gonna include the entire video but if you don't want to spend a half hour listening to that hear (LOL) are some highlights. 

Lots of people online were on their moral high horse quick to bash Colts' fans for booing Andrew Luck as he left the sideline of their pre-season game last night.  I agree it's pretty shitty. That's a pretty easy take to have. But like stop trying to look righteous for two seconds. It's fans at a preseason game. So either they reaaally care or are shitfaced. On top of that likely season ticket holders. Put yourself in these Indianan's blue jeans for two seconds. If you find out your franchise QB is essentially quitting a week before the season starts you're probably feeling all sorts of emotions. I'd assume anger and sadness would be two popular ones. We can say retirement but it is quitting, and it's okay. I totally respect his decision. It blows my mind as one of the millions of guys who dreamt of being a professional athlete that someone so talented could step away this early.  At the same time it makes you  understand he must be going through a hell of a lot of pain to have it be worth walking away at this point.  Back to the main point..obviously they're upset. People booed. If you want to live in a fantasy land and think fans at a preseason game are going to have the wherewithal to give a standing O in that situation, go for it. I bet if you asked a lot of them now they'd probably say they regret it. But people were hurt, and we need to understand that instead of playing a shitty character online.


P.S. 

I have ZERO sympathy for the people who drafted Andrew Luck in fantasy. That's what you get for having a draft before the preseason is over.


Double P.S.

I have all the sympathy in the world poor @3_1_heaven