Song: Soul To Squeeze
Artist: Red Hot Chili Peppers
​Album: Cone Heads Soundtrack (seriously?)

I was having this conversation with some friends of mine at Patriots tailgate on Sunday. Why don't the Patriots use their 90's uniforms as a throwback since the NFL outlawed alternate helmets in 2013 (like idiots)

If you're unaware of the current rule, in 2013 the NFL decided that alternate helmets are a major reason why the NFL has so many lingering health issues and they needed to be banned. Sure have guys play Thursday Night Football, but get rid of alternate helmets. That'll save everything!

By doing so the NFL essentially castrated some of the leagues best throwbacks that require completely different helmets. Here are a few of my favorites.

The Tampa Bay creamsicles (they're awesome fuck you!)

The 60's-80's Eagles uniforms

And of course the three-point stance Grogan era Patriots uniforms. 

I think it's a stupid rule that in the long run doesn't do that much more for player safety. They say the helmets need to be broken in, but you definitely could find ways to break in alternate helmets, but let's say the stupid ass rule stays in place, well guess what? With the Patriots current helmet you can still use this throwback. 

Now I don't know how most fans feel about the Bledsoe era uniforms but I love them. I like the royal blue. I LOVE the Patriot logo, it's comically huge taking up about a third of the uniform, they have those two-tone almost 3-D numbers that are pretty neat as well. Plus the Patriots were pretty successful in the those uniforms. Lot of people say the Patriots were nothing before Brady but that's simply not true: they wore these uniforms from 1995-1999 and made the playoffs in three of those five seasons, highlighted by the teams 1996 AFC championship.

Give me one good reason they shouldn't? Oh you can't, here are some reasons why they should come back.

1. I think these uniforms are fucking sick (my opinion is extremely important to me)
2. Enough time has passed. It's going to be nearly 20 years since they went out of circulation come next season I think enough time has passed throw these into the yearly rotation.
3. It's an absolute shame we have never seen Tom Brady rock the 4 square foot Patriot logo on each shoulder. 
4. 90's were fun. 

​
Let's bring these bad boys back! (they should've done it last season for the 20 year anniversary of the '96 team.

via: www.miamiherald.com/news/nation-world/national/article191699234.html

Florida strikes again!

I've never understand why some people punch inanimate objects when they're upset. Such a hardo, psycho move. There are no positive outcomes in that situation. I'd have to imagine that rivalry is rather one-sided in favor of the inanimate object. Sure, you can break the object, as Michael Joseph Olesksik did, but usually at the cost of injuring yourself. Not worth it! Windows or walls (s/o Lil Jon & the East Side Boyz) never need to go to the hospital when they're broken, the same cannot be said for their human counterparts. But what do I know? I'm not a psychopath.

In the case of one Michael Joseph Olesksik I'm even more confused as to why his first reaction was to punch an ATM after it gave him too much money. To answer Lil Jon's question in Get Low... I am scared! This Oleskik kid from his mug shot seems like an okay guy, sure his beard could use a little trim, but when I look into those eyes I don't see a person who could destroy an ATM. I'm not saying he's Ted Bundy, but come on Michael what are you doing? Why did you do this? I'm really bummed that the security footage has not been released because that would really answer all my questions.

Did he just panic, which turned to anger and punched it once thinking that would stop it? Like was he that worried about over-drafting? Because in that case I can almost feel for the guy. But I gotta say that seems about as unlikely as an ATM machine giving you extra money, which despite the context of this story, is quite rare.

My fear here is that he's just a psycho that doesn't know how to react to one of live's sweetest gifts: free money.

Now before I go on any further, anybody who says this isn't really "free money" can kick rocks. Fuck the big banks, if their machines malfunction than that's on them, it's like when you order bowl at chipotle with chicken AND steak and they only charge you for chicken. It's not your fault they fucked up, they can't ask you to pay for the steak the next time you come in. Idk if my chipotle logic will hold up in a court of law, but I'm just saying you shouldn't be required to return shit when it was given to you because of someone else's mistake. Have better tech if you don't want this to happen. And if you are they do try to take it back, guess what? you just take whatever money you got from their fucked up machine and join a new bank, problem solved.

Now as I was saying. . . .

​Is this his go to immediate reaction when he finds himself in a favorable predicament?

Because if so, then I feel like felony criminal mischief is a slap on the wrist. Like if Michael ever found himself on the receiving end of an alarm clock blow job by a nice young lady (or young fellow if that's what he prefers, it's nearly 2018!) and his first reaction was to knock her/his lights out then I'd say lock him up and throw away the key. Because despite knowing those technically exist, I too find it happening about as unlikely as an ATM giving you free money.

I just can't wrap my head around this guy's logic. Does this guy not understand how life works? You need to celebrate the victories. Not get angry like a maniac and cause $5,000 in damage to an ATM. Having that reaction of anger in literal dream scenario is alarming. We might have ourselves a pre-crime situation on our hands. Every time I go to the ATM I pray that there's an extra twenty stuck to whatever I'm withdrawing. Here we have MJO (to save time) beating up the ATM machine like it owes him money.

Now yes, I too read the article and saw that he was worried about running late for work, but to me that excuse is total bullshit and reeks of just trying to cover up being a crazy person. Let me tell you something buddy, if there's ever a valid excuse to be late to work then it's when an ATM is literally giving you free money.  If your boss doesn't understand why you needed to stick around a little longer than anticipated then maybe it time to check the classified ads. You never leave the table during a heater, and when you're getting free money literally handed to you, you gotta ride that shit out until the very end.

Also not to take too much liberty here but given his mug shot I'm guessing this guy's job isn't all too serious. He's 23 in South Florida wearing a t-shirt to work. Any job you wear a t-shirt to isn't life or death if you're a few minutes late. I'm sure Red Lobster would've been just fine had MJO been a few minutes late. You know what? Fuck this guy, I'm glad Wells Fargo pressed charges on him. You don't bite the hand that feeds, and you certainly don't punch a stupid broken ATM that decided to chose you it's lucky recipient. 

Hey Steelers!

​In maybe the most predictable move of the season, the Patriots have signed former Pittsburgh Steeler linebacker James Harrison, just two days after his release.  It's really quite impressive how much the Steelers have outdone their recent stupidity with this move. A mere 9 days ago they were running the most predictable fake-spike play in NFL history, Big Ben threw into a blanket of about 13 Patriots defenders, and now they're throwing away franchise icons, only to be picked up by their biggest competition in the AFC. Sad!

Not only can the Steelers NEVER beat the Patriots, but now they're losing their all time sack leader to them as well. 

It's going to be soooooooooooooooo sweet to tie their Super Bowl win record with one of their all time greats along for the ride. 
​
As soon as Harrison cleared waivers you knew this move was coming. It made all the sense in the world. He still wants to play, and the Patriots front-7 needs all the help it can get. I bet James Harrison didn't even waste his time checking his phone or talking to his agent once he  got the news he was released. I'm guessing he drove to the airport. got a ticket to Boston, landed, took a shit because he's wayyyy to big for an airplane bathroom, rented a car,  started driving to Foxboro and walked in the facilities and was handed his playbook.

Now I'm sure Steelers fans who surely must be panicking now will tell you that James Harrison has only played about 50 snaps this season, accumulating 3 tackles and 1 sack, and is over the hill. That only makes me love this move more. As the great TB12 once said he's fresh as lettuce. Plus one sack would put him within shouting distance of the team lead here. Not only that, but I'm sure he's in meetings now giving the Patriots his years of insider Steelers knowledge, although knowing Bill and Ernie Adams track record they'll probably be teaching James Harrison a thing or two about the Steelers defense.

Sure James Harrison is 39 years old, but I think you could use his lack of playing time this season as a strength, plus we have this dude behind center who is 40 years old and he seems to be working out just fine. Speaking of working out just fine (maybe I still do have it!)  If there's one thing James Harrison does its, work out, despite his advanced age the dude is still a freak show. 

The Patriots don't need him to be 2008 James Harrison, if he can help their defense get some pressure on third down in the playoffs it's a win. My guess is he'll end up with some huge post season sack. Probably against Big Ben, man I still can't believe the Steelers allowed this to happen.  Plus he's already making jokes. I cannot wait to see this man in a flying Elvis helmet! Blitz for 6 is back on! (never was really off but whatever)

P.S.

​This is hilarious

What a  ***puts on sunglasses***


....shitty situation.


***Roger Daltrey screech from We Won't Get Fooled Again****



Now after my Horatio Caine opener, let's dive into this.




This has got to be one the most bizarre stories I've ever seen in all my years on the internet....someone has stolen Charlie Villanueva's toilet!

​
His toilet!

Now I could go after low hanging fruit, pull a KG and say "someone stole your eyebrows too" but I'm not going to be that ugly, especially at this time of night. Very big of me, I know. The man just got his toilet stolen after all. 
​
The former Uconn Huskie took to twitter to share the crappy news. I've v curious if he just says "shit" a lot or is making a lot of poop puns given the current situation he's in. #shitiscrazy

Remember in Austin Powers when he gets hit by a shoe and all he can say is "who throws a shoe, honestly?" Well Ole Dozo feels the exact same here....who steals a toilet honestly?

That's my biggest takeaway from this. Who the fuck steals another person's toilet? Who wants a used toilet? This is not a random act. Not to victim shame or anything, but I feel like Charlie V must've really pissed somebody off to get his toilet stolen. You don't just get your toilet stolen for no reason.

Cause by the looks of it some legit plumbing went down. I don't know too much about installing/removing toilets, but I'm guessing you need a few tools. Some big ass wrenches that the normal burglar doesn't normally carry on their person. Whoever did this must've been prepared. I'm guessing the sole objective of this mission was to just steal Charlie V's toilet.Sure he lost some appliances too, but that wasn't the main goal. Cause you don't just go rob a house and decide "fuck it, let's take the toilet". I mean maaaaybe if you're a crack head, who thinks they can sell it, but even if it had been some random ass, run of the mill crackhead burglar who stole it, then odds are it wouldn't have been done in since a pristine fashion. Scroll up and look at that picture again. That was some fucking craftsmanship. I feel like there would've been water running, fucked up pipes, maybe even a broken tile or two had it been some spur of the moment toilet-napping. But nah, that's not the case at all, that looks official as hell. I feel like a real detective.... a Horatio Caine, if you will,  this must've been done by someone with plumbing experience, and had to of been planned with some sort of legit motive.

The more I think about it stealing someone's toilet might be one of the most fucked up things you can do someone. And again not to victim shame a man who's waited over two hours for the police to show up, but I gotta say I feel like there's more to this story. People don't just get their toilet's stolen. I think there's a better chance of someone just snapping and killing you than there is of someone snapping and stealing your toilet. In a way this arguably more fucked up too. Personally, I'll shit anywhere, my days of poop shame are long behind me, but I'm not a monster, I can empathize with the problems of the common person. I know that a lot of people hate using the bathroom away from home. They say there's nothing worse than having to shit on an away court, you wanna go where you have that home court advantage, where you know your surroundings. You want to be able to just come home and let loose without a care in the world. Someone took that luxury that we all take for granted away from Charlie Villanueva. 

Now I would hope someone who played 11 years in the association (had to look it up, didn't even realize he was out of the league) has more than one toilet in their home, but I guess you never know. This is some psychological warfare shit. Obviously getting legit valuables stolen would be less than ideal, but I mean you go a night without watching tv or porn. Not being able to shit in your own home is fucked up. You either have to go outside like a dog, in a box like a cat, or leave the premise entirely. FUCK THAT. I'd rather buy a new tv than not be able to shit in my own home for a night. Plus I feel like it takes way longer to replace a toilet. You can go to Best Buy and get a new TV in an hour. You're not getting a new toilet that quickly. 

All I know is there has to be more to the story of this. I'm hoping by the time you read this the police have shown up to Charlie's house. #findCharliesToilet


P.S. 

What did I tell you?

​The Steelers just cannot, no matter what beat the Patriots. As long as Tom Brady is behind center and Bil Belichick is on the sideline wearing cut off sweatshirts under unzipped winter coats they cannot beat them. Even when they sliced through the Patriots defense like a hot knife through butter in the final minute, and seemingly scored the game winning touchdown the football Gods struck them with a bolt of reality and took the win away. Absolutely beautiful to watch. FTW ruling that pass incomplete was the right call, and I'm not just saying that because I'm a Patriots fan, I'm also saying it because I hate the Steelers. 

​But even the biggest of Patriot haters know deep down it was 100% the right call.

The Steelers simply still cannot seal the deal against us. Sure, they lost Antonio Brown in the second quarter. You could make the argument that that impacted the game in the Patriots favor, but I think one could argue it played towards the Steelers favor. Allow me to explain!

Now hear me out, obviously Antonio Brown is how they say "good". He catches the football. and runs with the football very well. Some may even take the leap of faith and call him "the best WR in the NFL", so yeah, he's probably more valuable on the field than in the hospital. Many would agree you'd like to have him on the field at all times.  But the Patriots always try to take away your best player, and despite having a defense that makes me want to throw up violently onto the television, the one "strength" of their defense is the secondary, who could've kept Brown in semi-check. Which to me is under 120 yards lol. I've noticed from watching the Steelers this year that Big Ben targets Antonio Brown upwards of 20 times per game, which means all those plays Le'Veon Bell is not getting the ball. I think given how poor as a whole the Patriots front-7 is you beat them by pounding the rock with Le'Veon Bell. No Brown allowed them to feature Bell more. Something the Steelers were doing for much of the second half then sort of just abandoned. 

Much like the other 31 teams in the NFL the Steelers made many crucial mistakes in attempts to slay the dragon that is the New England Patriots. We've seen teams outsmart themselves, and pee down their leg time and time again against the Patriots. Pete Carroll/Russell Wilson (who still doesn't get enough of the blame) in the of Super Bowl 49.  This year the Falcons were up by as many as 25 points in the Super Bowl and still lost because they didn't run the ball and waste time. So as I try to regain my blogging stripes lets look back at one of the best games of the NFL season and see the biggest mistakes the Steelers made against the Patriots. ​

5. Not going for 2 in the 3rd quarter

Leading 17-16 late in the 3rd quarter Le'Veon Bell scored a 3 yard touchdown to extend the lead to 23-16. All my math majors out there can tell you that is a 7 point lead. In this situation you have two options: kick the extra point to given yourself an 8 point lead, or roll the dice and go for two to give yourself a 9 point lead, aka make it a two score game.

With a little over 16 minutes remaining in the game, this by no means ices the game but does give the Patriots some added pressure. Knowing they need two scores to take the lead instead of being able to play for overtime. I feel like you have nothing to lose here, because should you fail it's still a 7 point game. Given the circumstances I think this is the right time to go for two.

I say this because historically the Steelers love to go for two. Last season they led the league in two point attempts, going for two nine times in 2016. Granted they were only 3/9 which may have shied them away.

We saw the Seahawks follow this logic against the Patriots last year on Sunday Night Football. After the Seahawks scored a touchdown to go up 7 with 4:24 remaining, Pete Carroll went for the kill and tried the two point play to make it a two score game. While he failed, and ultimately still won the game I personally love the call. As Julian Edelman's dad once said "when you have them down, you break their fucking neck". Given how much Le'Veon Bell was dominating I think they probably would have gotten it, which is a great lead in to my 4th mistake the Steelers made.

4. Punting on 4th and 1 in the 4th quarter

Now this one I'll understand why people disagree but I'm following the same logic that Bill Belichick used in 2009 against the Colts. It didn't matter where Peyton Manning and the Colts got the ball, they were going to score, so he decided to try to keep the ball out of his hands. Mike Tomlin should've followed the same logic. Sadly Bill failing will likely prevent teams for making this decision in the future despite being the right call. The Steelers should've done the same with Tom Brady. 

After the Patriots kicked a field goal to make it a 5 point game the Steelers got the ball with 3:52 remaining, had they gotten two first downs they could've ran the clock out. With 2:23 remaining Big Ben took the snap and completed a 3 yard pass to Juju Smith-Schuster to bring up a 4th and 1. Teams always talk about keeping the ball out of Tom Brady's hands but still give him the ball back in these situations instead of believing in the strength of their team, their own offense. The Patriots called time out to stop the clock at 2:16. Now granted the Steelers were on their own 28 yard line, but it's one yard and you have Le'Veon Bell. The New England Patriots have a JV front 7 who were allowing nearly 6 yards per carry to Bell all day. Plus if you do fail since the Patriots have a shorter field, if they do score you'll probably have more time to answer. If you pick up the first down there and the game is effectively over, maybe you're punting with 30 seconds left after the Pats burn their final time outs. But when you punt and you give Tom Brady the ball back with nearly two minutes and two timeouts left everybody knows how that is going to end. I'm not the only person who thought this.

I know as a Patriots fan I'm biased, but the Pats were going to score on that drive. The only question was would they score too quickly (which they did) because of the Steelers next fatal mistake.

#3. Refusing to double-team Gronk

This one was a head scratcher. Gronk was getting a free release throughout the game, and at times running wild like the gazellete-gorilla hybrid that he is. He has historically owned the Steelers, you'd think maybe they'd try to make an adjustment. 

Can you say "free-runner"?

You hear Romo say "uncovered".

Last night Gronk was the Patriots offense. 9 receptions on 13 targets for 168 yards and a two point conversion. Apart from one big Brandin Cooks 43 yard grab the Steelers did a great job of keeping the rest of the Patriots pass catchers in check. Yet on the final drive Gronk was almost too open, and they refused to give him the added attention he deserves, and the Steelers paid mightily for it. You gotta focus more on Gronk. If they're gonna beat you make them beat you with Danny Amendola and James White, not a future hall of famer and arguably best tight end of all time.

2. Throwing ball to the middle of the field on 2nd down/Miscommunication between Todd Haley, Mike Tomlin and Ben Roethlisberger 

Bill Belichick always preaches situational football, something the Steelers could use a little help with here. With the running clock you have no time to waste, everybody needs to be on the same page. If you're gonna throw it, fine, but you better get out of bounds or have a play ready for 3rd down ready to go. This clearly did not happen as it's already come out that Ben wanted to spike the ball, but the coaches said otherwise.

Despite the miscommunication going into 3rd down, the Steelers still could've seemingly sent the game to overtime if it wasn't for their most critical mistake. 

1. Forcing a Throw Into Traffic on 3rd and Goal

What the hell was Big Ben thinking? This play just looked doomed from the start, add in the double clutch, then throwing into traffic and you have a recipe for disaster. You cannot force this throw, again, SITUATIONAL FOOTBALL. You don't have anything here, throw it away, kick the field goal and live to fight another play. Don't be a hero. 

I absolutely love that Duron Harmon was the one who made the INT. That dude is just nails in the fourth quarter of big games. 

And D-Lew called it!!! (kinda)

A quick ode to one of the funniest people to ever live, a comedic hero of mine, Chris Farley.

Twenty years ago today Chris Farley the world lost one of the funniest people ever. Chris Farley died at the age of 33 from a drug overdose in an eerily similar way to his comedic hero, John Belushi. Same age, same way, basically lived the same life. That coincidence always kind of freaked me out.

Growing up, Tommy Boy was probably my favorite movie. I must've watched that VHS tape 200 times. When DVD's came out it was one of the first ones I got, no more rewinding yay! Now being so young in the 90's I honestly can't remember if I saw it before he died or not. I'm guessing slash hoping it was after because I was 6 when he passed away, but honestly I couldn't have been much older the first time I saw it, which looking back is a little frightening, and maybe explains a lot about why I am the way that I am. But I digress.

I can remember being allowed to watch Tommy Boy and the Nutty Professor when I was in like first grade. I loved and still love Tommy Boy, it has so many classic moments and lines, fat guy in a little coat, faking an attack by bees to avoid a DUI, the utter destruction of Richard's car....we've all seen it I don't need to keep going. What stands out to me the most looking back is how funny I found the scene where Tommy catches Richard jerking off in the hotel room, cause I thought it was funny for all the wrong reasons. Being that young and dumb I thought it was funny because he referenced The Little Rascals, which at the time was probably my second favorite movie. 

Being a goofy, chubby kid it was easy to look up to Farley's style of comedy and was something I mimicked in school growing up. Being the funny guy, making fun of yourself is a classic defense mechanism that I still use to this very day. In high school I wanted to reenact the Chippendale's SNL Skit during my Junior Variety show, which IMO is one of the best SNL skits of all time. Shame that never went down!

Chris Farley was an absolute comedic legend. what really shows that is the legacy he's left in comedy despite not having a very long career, he was on SNL for 5 years, and starred in only three movies while he was alive (Tommy Boy, Black Sheep and Beverly Hills Ninja), so he's basically the James Dean of comedy, and one more released posthumously (Almost Heroes). If he didn't die the course of comedy history would've been soooo different. Mike Myers career would've ended even earlier because Farley was going to be Shrek.  I'm pretty sure he would've been Sully in Monsters Inc too. While we'll never know what would've happened, the point remains it's an absolute shame that he was taken so soon. 

S/o this random dude who hit a kid in school that made fun of his death. 

Just a shame the world lost such a funny person so soon, twenty years ago today. 

R.I.P. Chris Farley
February 15th, 1964-December 18th, 1997.

Song: Lemon to a Knife Fight
Artist: The Wombats
Album: Beautiful People Will Ruin Your Life

​lol at that album name.

The marquee NFL match-up of Week 15 is without a doubt Pats-Steelers.

In a rematch of January's AFC Championship game the top two teams in the AFC are essentially playing for home-field advantage in the playoffs. The Steelers are 11-2 and the Pats are 10-3. If the Steelers win today they'll end up the one seed in the AFC. They're playing the Texans and Browns to finish out the season. I know anything can happen in the NFL, but the Texans are on their 3rd QB, and the Browns are 0-12. Think it's safe to assume those games will be wins for Pittsburgh. The Patriots on the other hand are getting the Bills and Jets (both at home) to close out the year, so this is probably going to be the last time either team loses in the regular season with today's winner holding the head to head tie-breaker should they finish with identical records. 

Despite being a 2 point underdog at home (which makes ZERO sense to me), this game has all the makings for a Steelers victory. They're playing at home. They're hot, haven't lost since week 5. AB and Bell are playing at MVP levels. They've found ways to win games that they seemed dead and buried in. Now after rallying around the Ryan Shazier injury people are starting to through around the term "team of destiny". If they want to take the next step and be legitimate Super Bowl contenders they have to take care of business at home against the defending champs.

Then there's the Patriots. The Pats are coming off one of their worst offensive performances in years Monday night in Miami. For the first time since 1991 they didn't convert a 3rd down. They also had one of the worst onside kick attempts I've ever seen. 

Their defense has been decimated by injuries, and ineffectiveness. Granted they've turned things around since their September struggles, but this still has to be the worst front 7 a Patriots team has had since they started winning Super Bowls left and right.

Quick who leads this team in sacks?

It's like they don't want to rush the passer. No Kyle Van Noy today again, and they probably won't have Trey Flowers (correct answer for team sack leader) either.  I have no idea how they're going to keep Antonio Brown and Le'Veon Bell in check.
​
But despite all of this, Tom Brady owns Big Ben and the Pittsburgh Steelers. I wrote about how we haven't had too many high stakes Patriots-Steelers matchups in January it-blows-my-mind-pats-and-steelers-havent-met-in-the-playoffs-since-2004.html. But when they do play, more often than not the Patriost are on top. Brady is 7-2 head to head vs Big Ben and 10-2 all time against the Steelers, losing in 2004 and 2011. The Patriots just always beat the Steelers. It's that simple, they could be playing at Gillette, the big ketchup bottle, or France, it doesn't matter. No matter what the Patriots seemingly always find a way to win. They don't just win, Brady dominates. Since Mike Tomlin became the Steelers head coach in 2007, Brady is 6-1 versus Pittsburgh with a 72.0 completion percentage, 324.7 passing yards per game, 22 TDs, zero interceptions and a 127.5 passer rating.

Honestly I think this game means a hell of a lot more for the Steelers than it does for the Patriots. Even if they lose today, going back to Pittsburgh for a playoff game doesn't scare me. They've done alright there.

On the exterior this is just another game to New England, but not to Pittsburgh. The Steelers, and Mike Tomlin have been talking about this game for weeks.

If you're ever going to beat the Patriots and Tom Brady, you have to do it now, seemingly all the cards are in your favor.

However history does not favor the Steelers today. Tom Brady led Patriot teams are an astounding 34-6 after a loss. Since 2003 (excluding 2008 when Brady missed basically the whole season) the Patriots have only lost back to back games 5 times. It's easy to assume the Patriots will just come out with a "We're On to Cincinnati" type game today against the Steelers, but I do believe this Patriots team has it's flaws, they're a wounded duck. If you're Pittsburgh and you can't find a way to outscore this Patriots team with a JV front seven, coming off an embarrassing loss, with a chance to all but lock up the one seed, at home then when are you ever going to beat the Patriots in a meaningful game?