In my last blog about the Bryce Harper contract I was talking about how I cannot wrap my head around the idea of the 2030's. And while part of that is for show on the blog, I'm not an idiot, I understand how numbers and time work (at an elementary level). I just cannot picture 2031 being a real year.
I have to imagine that's something people have felt throughout history. I know I'm not the only one. Like there were definitely Romans all confused why the years were counting down backwards or people in the 700's who never thought the world would see a four digit year. Oh those fools. I can vividly remember being a kid and seeing a commercial for Spiderman 2 that said coming Summer 2004 and thinking that was a made up year.
13 years feel like a lifetime. 13 years ago I was in 8th grade. Sadly for some children, 13 years is more than a lifetime. It's fucked up, but one of the first thoughts that popped into my head when I was thinking about the length of this deal is how long 13 years is, and how many people will die over the course of this deal. Idk what that says about me, we can move on soon. I mean there are totally people reading this who won't be alive in 13 years. I probably won't if I don't stop eating 6 pop-tarts a day, but in my defense when it's four boxes for $10 you'd be a sucker to pass up that deal.
So instead of talking about how many of us reading this won't have living parents by the time Bryce Harper is no longer under contract with the Philadelphia Phillies, instead lets focus on 13 celebrities I can guarantee won't see the end of this deal. Fun! It's like a long form celebrity death pool. Call me Joe Namath because I am guaranteeing victory here. Don't forget to check back in 13 years to see if I was right.
Age in 2031: 88
Broadway Joe guaranteed victory against the Colts in Super Bowl III so I figured it's only right that I return the favor. I actually love Joe Namath, but let's call a spade a spade. With a history of alcohol abuse and hard hits to the head late in his career when players were avoiding his knees out of respect (during an era where equipment wasn't much better than leather helmets) I can say with confidence Broadway Joe will be Pearly Gates Joe by the 2030's.
Age in 2031: 72
Sadly being an overweight black man puts Magic at higher risks for things like diabetes, gout, hypertension, high blood pressure etc. You add being 6 foot 9 to the equation and it sure doesn't help Earvin.
Oh by the way this man also has the HIV virus.
I know he likely has already consumed the cure for HIV, but should Magic live to see 2031 it will mean he would have lived with HIV for FORTY YEARS. As a gambler, I feel like that well is gonna dry out eventually. Don't forget the added stress of owning the Dodgers and losing in the World Series every year! Should Bryce lead the Phillies to a couple World Series after it looked like he was going to be a Dodger ... I'm just saying
Age in 2031: 107
Kind of a lay-up considering his age, but Jimmy Carter is the oldest living President and less than a month away from becoming the oldest President ever. No President has ever seen 100. Based on that picture and history I'm just playing the percentages here. Like betting that the sun will rise.
Age in 2031: 109
Another lay-up, but sometimes you gotta see the ball go through the hoop to get hot. Her 2010 comeback was cool and I have nothing bad to say about Betty, but I mean, she's been old for like 65 years already and all her friends are dead. It's okay to say goodbye.
Age in 2031: 90
He actually seems to be in better shape than he was when the Patriots won their first string of 3 Super Bowls but sadly due to the stress from the jealous media and haters (of which there are many) I am truly worried that this added stress will do Bobby in. Please do the right thing and let this man pay for BJs in peace before it's too late.
Age in 2031: 104
He's been wanting to go since 2014 (at least).
quote from 2014:
"I want to tell you this, I just had a birthday; I was 87 years old. And before I die I want to see that championship flag flying out there in center field. ... I've got a great feeling about this team. I think we're going to do it, I think we're going to get to the Fall Classic, and then the big Dodger in the sky can take me away."
Age in 2031: 66
Andy Dick has been on borrowed time since Clinton was in the White House. He's allegedly calmed down in recent years, but this dude is one bad line off a 23 year old's boner from an early check out. With fentyal lurking behind every doorstep, who knows how long Andy can avoid it?
Age in 2031: 64
Despite the sticky situations he's gotten himself in, I am a Louie fan. He's one of the funniest comedians of the last 25 years. He's very dark, just like this blog. He's a brilliant writer and a very funny guy. Historically guys like that love to kill themselves. And sadly Louie has had that future suicide guy vibe for a really long time.
Age in 2031: 35
I mean come on. This dude was born to not see 30. Personally, I want him to die. Just a straight up piece of shit, waste of life, human being.
Age in 2031: 64
Jokes gonna be on me when Artie Lange is pissing on my grave at age 93.
J/K he eats heroin for breakfast and been the #1 overall celebrity death pool pick for like 8 years running.
Age in 2031: 108
Pretty scary without the tan, huh?
Bobby told us to help control the pet population for 30 years. Hopefully Bob will get cremated to help with the ever-growing lack of grave plot availability. 0.00% chance Bob Barker is alive in 2025, forget the 30's.
Age in 2031: 101
At only 88 years old there are a few older contenders on this list. By looking at him you'd guess Clint is at least 95. He's looked like a zombie since about 2013.
Age in 2031: 47
Didn't expect to see this name did you? Maybe that's the wake up the self-proclaimed King needs? Lebron is the real reason I wrote this blog:
Lebron this is me reaching out. You need help.
Despite being a world class athlete, Lebron has a crippling wine addiction. It explains his irrational behavior over the years. I mean who leave Miami to go back to Cleveland? A drunk that's who. He's spinning out of control. Threatening to trade everybody on his team, then blaming them when they aren't committed. Only a drunk would think like that.
The drink has destroyed many great people and by the look of it Lebron could be next. Just because he can run fast through the lane and make a lay up doesn't mean he's immune to that. Mickey Mantle every heard of him? Dude hit 500 home runs and also drank himself to death. I just hope Lebron can get the help he deserves. Maybe the realization that time stops for no man is just what he needs?
From the nation's capital to the original capital, Bryce Harper is finally a Philadelphia Phillie. I am elated that one of my favorite players in the game is not going to the Yankees!
In an off-season where the biggest story line has been the lack of signings despite a star-studded free agent class.... it's technically not even the off-season anymore. It's fucking spring training. This took for-ev-er. The 2019 season is in full swing. The off-season came and went before Bryce signed.
Despite that little nugget, up until this week, it really looked like the calendar was going to turn to March without Manny Machado and Bryce Harper on Major League rosters. With February on life support former Cy-Young winner Dallas Kuechel and Craig Kimbrel still are available. It makes no sense. They're really good and could help every team in the league.
Even with these two massive deals I think baseball is a big trouble when it comes to players and owners being on the same page. Collusion has been tossed around like a juul on a field trip this off-season. V worried about a potential strike.
Earlier this week Manny Machado signed an 10 year $300 million dollar with the San Diego Padres. Not to be out-done Bryce Harper inked a 13 year $330 million dollar deal with the Phillies.
Considering the fact that Bryce is going to be in Philly for 13 years (we'll see) I guess what's really the hurt in waiting longer than usual to make it official? While the AAV is less than the Machado deal at $25.5 million what makes Harper's contract stand out is the lack of opt-outs (which have become the biggest contract trend in baseball) and the length.
That is lunacy! A teenage contract. One and a third decades. That's kindergarten to graduation. 13 years is such a long commitment it blows my mind. Sandy Koufax only played 12 years. Plus just with the concept of time it's really fucking me up. This deal expires in the 2030's. 2031 to be exact. Like that isn't even a real decade. I'll be basically 40. FUCK THAT. NOPE. By the time this contract expires we could be on President #48 and I wouldn't be shocked if the world is actually over.
I can't remember the last time, if ever where there's been a contract like this in sports. Rick Dipietro's 15 year deal in 2006 is really all that comes to mind. Not exactly the best company to keep. Probably the worst contract in NHL history lolol and had they not bought him out he'd still be under contract for like 3 more years.
On the diamond the move immediately makes the Phillies roster a lot sexier, as Bryce Harper, despite his detractors is one of the most dynamic and electric players in the game. Citizen Bank Park is going to be sold out again most nights, even though I think a 13 year commitment is INSANE, this is the right move (as of now) for the Phillies. They are on the doorstep of being a contender and have the money to spend. In a market like Philly, with the success this team experienced in late 2000's it clear they want to return to those glory days. I don't buy into all the new-age stats and still don't totally get WAR but Harper has been pretty solid since he got to the show.
With a core of guys like Nola, Arrieta, Hoskins, Realmuto the Phillies are all in to compete for a World Series. Idk if they'll even make the playoffs this year because the NL East is really top heavy with the Phillies, Braves and even the Nationals (despite losing Harper). 2019 is going to be a lot of fun, and look at this way Philly, with 13 years of Harper you have plenty of time to win it all.
Admittedly, I haven't been giving the NBA the attention it deserves this season, so this could totally not be the shot of the year, but with my knowledge of the 2018-19 NBA campaign, it is.
I mean, it's D-Wade in his last year. coming up with a classic prime years D-Wade moment. That's gotta take the cake up to now. The power of nostalgia baby. It's delicate, but potent. S/o Don Draper.
Now that the NFL is over and it's post all-star break, I'm trying to dive back in to basketball, but when you are busy trying to reach these kids it def doesn't help.
TBH C's being the biggest disappointment in the association definitely doesn't either; but hey, ratings are down like 30% so I know it's not just me. Plus the Red Sox and Pats won it all. I'm going to be okay. Guess we can deal with a little reality that not every team wins a championship (although despite how poorly they've played I still feel like they can figure it out)
But with a moment like this I am BACK.
Hol-e-yyyyyy shit Father Prime!!! ( I guess people are calling him Father Prime now?... I fuck with it)
What a sequence!!!
That is such a classic good-ole fashion holy shit highlight. I mean what else can you say? One-footer-fade-away-bank-shot-buzzer-beater-3 after basically getting blocked/losing it ... I still can't really tell.
I did not watch a second of that game so I have no idea how that game-flow went...but it does not matter. Game winner against the two-time defending champs what else do I really need to know?
For D- Wade to hit that shot, against that team, in those uniforms. (The Miami vice look heat jerseys are no exaggeration 839 times better than their normal unis) What an awesome final season moment for guy like Dwyane Wade, who team who's probably not going to the playoffs. I mean might as well call it a career after that.
I must've watched that shot on IG five times before I had to go show my roommate that clip. It was that incredible. Like in person. No tagging or DMs. I got my should be in bed already (thank God for a 2 hour delay at school tomorrow) ass up and showed another human being my phone and for a brief moment we connected.
Wow the power of sports.
Since Robert Kraft bought the New England Patriots in 1994 they've sold out every single pre, regular, and post season game they've hosted. Robert Kraft saved the New England Patriots and football in the New England market. The Patriots have won 6 Super Bowls, 10 AFC Championships and made the playoffs 20 times since the 1994 season. There is a serious argument to be made that Kraft is the greatest owner in North American sports between his success on the field, and philanthropy off it.
Today, Robert Kraft's name was one of 25 on a list of men who were charged with "soliciting a prostitute" at a massage parlor in Jupiter, Florida.
To quote the late Christopher Wallace
Naturally given his status and the fact that this is a sex related story it's going to get all the news, but like honestly what are we even doing here? An actor that nobody had ever heard of a week ago faked a fucking hate crime to start a race war and line his pockets but we're talking about a 77 year old widower (allegedly) getting his crank yanked? This is what's wrong with our country. Priorities, guys!
What is worse? Stirring the already bubbling race-relations pot or stimulating the economy in Florida? I'll let you decide.
I know the internet high horse crowd will talk about the horrors of sex/human trafficking and guess what...you'll get no debate from me, those are horrible things that should be stopped. I am firmly anti human trafficking, partly because I don't fully understand it.
BUT can we use our brains for a second? Jussie Smollett literally lied about getting fucking lynched in 2019 and we're worrying about Bob Kraft's old dick? GTFO. How has this overtaken the headlines?
The last thing we should be doing is trying to besmirch the great Kraft name. Especially in times like these. Oh so he's friends with Donald Trump because they're both billionaires so what? Like you've never been friends with someone who deep down you know is kind of a dick? Robert Kraft has donated hundreds of millions of dollars to a variety of causes. Responsible for wings of hospitals. You can go look at his wikipedia page yourself. Before a game against the Steelers this last season he went to the Pittsburgh Synagogue to pay his respects. He's also teamed up Jay Z, Meek and the owner of 76ers to help get people out of jail who deserve it.
RKK is a great man.
Great man get horny too.
So he may have gotten jerked off (maybe more!) by some Asian chicks. Guess what? so has your dad. There's a biggggg difference between going to massage parlor and being "in" on a sex tracking ring. I feel like the idiots wearing their "I hate the Patriots" blinders can't differentiate those things.
Just because you get jerked off (allegedly) at a massage parlor doesn't mean you're pro-human trafficking or willingly partaking in it. Does that mean anybody with an iPhone is pro child labor? Or someone who bought a wedding ring before Blood Diamond came out is directly responsible for the amputation of South African hands?
If the rumors are true and there was human trafficking going on at this parlor that's horrible, and needs to stop immediately. But unless before she starts stroking the conversation leads to how she's being held here against her will what are you really supposed to do in that situation? Nobody is thinking right with a hard on, always remember that.
Plus it's probably the biggest open secret in our society that you can get sex stuff at an Asian massage parlor. Everybody on earth knows that. Whenever someone says "Happy Ending" you know exactly what they're talking about, and sadly it's not ice cream.
At the end of the day who fucking cares? I am too busy to worry about the dick of another man. Prostitution is in that same ballpark as weed and sports gambling where people just fucking want it, and eventually it'll be regulated. Who cares what people do as long as it doesn't hurt others? And I know you can just say well sex trafficking hurts but how are you supposed to know? I don't think every Asian massage parlor that has a secret menu only does it because of sex trafficking. I'm sure plenty just like the extra walkin-around money. How are you supposed to be able to tell the difference? I'm sure the salons look awfully alike.
This is just the attempt to try to make the Patriot dynasty crumble that will ultimately lead to another Super Bowl win. I honestly love it because Belichick and Brady have both been dragged through the mud for "crimes" that everybody else in the league was doing/are not really crimes. It's only right that Bob Kraft join the "people only care about this issue because they're sick of losing to us" Triumvirate. Would CNN be talking about Bill Bidwell if this happened to him? Do you even know who Bill Bidwell is?
Just don't be a sheep and let stories like this that don't matter take light off ones that do.
Mom in Hot Water For Going Around College Campus With Photos of Her Son Asking Girls If They Want To Date Him
Police want to identify a woman they say is badgering college women to date her single son.
The Baltimore Sun reports that a woman in her mid-50s has been visiting the campus of Towson University in Maryland pestering female students. The mom reportedly approaches her victims, shows them a photo of her eligible son and asks if they are interested in dating him.
Police say the mom entered two on-campus buildings on three separate dates to play Cupid. The Towson Police Department shared an email with Yahoo Lifestyle from Chief Charles Herring that alerts the community to the mother’s actions.
“The Towson University Police Department is investigating three related incidents occurring in the Cook Library and Center for the Arts buildings on February 6 and 7,” read the email. “Students have reported being approached by an older female who attempted to show them a picture on her cellphone and ask if they were interested in dating her son. The subject of interest is described as a female, appearing to be in her 50s, with glasses, wearing blue jeans and a striped long-sleeve shirt with red trim along the bottom, a multicolored scarf, brown shoes and carrying a dark-colored coat.”
Herring concludes: “This incident advisory is being provided in order to make the TU Community aware of an incident on campus that may cause concern. This advisory is intended to heighten awareness and inform the community of incidents that may impact their safety and security.”
A police spokesperson tells Yahoo Lifestyle that, for now, the mother is not suspected of committing a crime; they just want her to stop. So might her son.
We might want to pump the breaks with calling these girls "victims". Ted Bundy had victims. Harvey Weinstein had victims. 6ix9ine has fucking victims. If getting annoyed in public by an Asian person who doesn't understand personal space and social norms is a crime, then it looks like every person I've ever met is due for a nice settlement check. Get out of here with that victim nonsense. There is one victim and one victim only in this story: this lady's poor son.
I cannot express how badly I feel for this kid. This is every son's worst nightmare....their God damn mom showing up to their campus asking girls if they're interested in dating. I cringe just thinking about it. Really hoping we don't see a Seppuku headline follow up story. Hey lady, it's 2019, nobody in college is looking for dating. At least they shouldn't be. They want emotionless sex with as many people as possible. There are a million apps, the last thing your son needs is your help. If guys like me can get laid on their phone then literally anybody alive can do it. Do your son a favor and pay for a month of Hinge if you're really so concerned. No need to make the fact your son is alone national news.
As for getting the police involved, I can't lie it makes me laugh, like this lady was so annoying that the authorities had to be called. That alone is hilarious. Part of me can't help but laugh, but at the same time if you tattle on this lady and you aren't her son you can kick rocks. Freedom of speech, ever heard of it? Probably not, considering they're in college. but honestly aren't there bigger issues to worry about on campus than a weirdo old lady being a weirdo old lady? How about worrying about sexual assault or hazing before you go after the lady in the library showing strangers her son's facebook default photo?
If this kid didn't get laid off of this story then Seppuku is officially on the table. How much help do you need?
Song: Trip the Mains
Artist: Methyl Ethel
It's an absolute shame it's taken me this long to address the Patriots SIXTH Super Bowl win. Finally, in my busy schedule of searching for lesson plans to "borrow" online I have finally found the time to talk about the game.
With the over/under set at 55.5 I don't think too many people were expecting the lowest scoring Super Bowl ever, but that's exactly what we got in Super Bowl LIII. 13-3 final score with the only touchdown of the game coming on a Sony Michel 2 yard run with 7 minutes left in the 4th. It was not 2018 football. A true defensive struggle. A battle in the trenches if you will. Like Harvard-Yale amirite? The Patriots tied the record for fewest points allowed in the Super Bowl and also set the record for fewest points scored by a winning team further emphasizing the fact that football is a TEAM game.
The idiotic trolls of the world like Max Kellerman and Rob Parker will try to say the fact that Tom Brady didn't throw a touchdown in this game tarnishes the win and his legacy. That take is just the cherry on the top of their "I'm a moron" sundae. Although his postseason TD to INT ratio was 2:3 Brady had the 3rd highest competition percentage AND passing yard total of any postseason of his career in 2018-19. No cliff yet. Tom for sure didn't have a classic "Tom Brady game", but this idea that he's not still the best QB in the league (and all time) is laughable. With their logic if you throw for 80 yards on a drive but your team scores on a rushing TD you don't matter. Oh okay bro.
You do have to give the Rams D credit for making 12 look mortal though.
After his first pass (which was tipped) of the game was intercepted Tommy went 21/34 for 262 yards. Considering how well the Rams defense played I'd say that's pretty impressive. Did we forget he's 41 years old?? Give the guy some credit. Brady threw for 262 yards when he basically only had two guys to throw to. 16 of his 21 completions were to Jules or Gronk. James White was completely taken out of the equation thanks to the Rams' game plan which led to more Burkhead. Hogan's target was a pick, Patterson is a gadget guy. It's not like Tom played like Peyton Manning in Super Bowl 50. Peyton unable to throw the ball 15 yards in the air and put no legitimate scoring drives together. Dudes still got it.
Sony Michel has been an absolute animal these playoffs. Arguably the greatest rookie running back postseason ever. 336 yards (112 yards/game) and 6 TD.
That man is why Tom Brady can play another 2+ years.
The Pats were moving the ball with some success and that's what was the most frustrating part of the game. I don't understand how people could say it was boring, I guuuuess if you had no legitimate rooting interests a 13-3 game could be "boring" but I was on the edge of my seat all night. a 3-0 lead is by far my least favorite lead in football now. SoOoOo stressful. No margin for error. It was like a pitchers duel. I think it's just the ADD generation who can't enjoy the nuance of sports. It doesn't have to be a pinball shoot out to be a great game, and honestly after last year's Super Bowl it was refreshing to see some defense.
The Patriots drove into Ram territory on their first four drives of the game, and five times in total in the 1st half. They only had three points to show for it. Had they lost that would've given me nightmares for years. It had that like the 2012 AFC Championship Game vibe to it. The Patriots lost that game 28-13 and had like 7 drives where they got into Raven territory and didn't score. Gotta finish drives to win in the playoffs. Really in any other game too.
So screw you if you said it was boring, cause I was fucking terrified, man! It was an "ugly" win but that ring will still shine. It was only ugly if you don't like defense. The Pats were able to drive the ball with decent success, yet they had essentially nothing to show for it. â Very similar to the start of Super Bowl LII. Against an offense as explosive as the Rams who scored 527 points this season, it still felt like even though the Pats made Jared Goff look like he who really is (a fake good QB)... at any play the Rams could've taken the lead. Their offense was like my poops after chipotle...explosive. It's a ticking time bomb. Had they connected on a deep ball, or let Todd Gurley break a big run I really don't know if the Pats would've won. It was 3-3 going into the 4th! I feel like it could've been a really deflating moment considering how the game had been going to that point. Like we need to give the Rams defense more credit for keeping an offense who punted on 8 straight drives within 24 points...forget 3. They were incredible. It was like baseball game where your team has 9 hits but only 1 run. All it takes a bloop and blast to take the lead. Yards and hits don't matter if you can't score.
This game may have not had a lot of touchdowns but there were a ton of a great special teams plays! Matthew Slater making his daddy's team pay.
I'll be the first to admit I have doubted this defense...really for the last 2 years, they played out of their mind. It felt like the Rams had 3rd and million a bunch. So many TFLs. Danny Shelton making the first play I can remember this season! They balled TF out. Kyle Van Noy is a beast. He had like a break-dance sack it was nuts. The secondary is low key one of the best in the NFL. But game ball has to go to the front 7 as a whole. They had to have been the most impressive of the bunch. I've been one of the biggest bashers of that unit. A bunch of dudes who are 72's in madden. They shut me up by having statistically one of the best team performances in Super Bowl History. They held Todd Gurley (who definitely wasn't at 100%) to 35 yards. The team that scored the 2nd most points in the league (527) was held to a single field goal. And a long one at that!
âJason McCourty's pass break-up on Brandin Cooks which at the time looked like easy untouched touchdown was the biggest play of the game in my eyes. This could've woken up the Rams offense.
I can't front it was extra sweet to see him drop that pass after the fuck ups he had for us last year in the super bowl....like you're Brandin Cooks..wiggle an inch and you'll be able to get the first down. Don't need to go MJ from the free throw line.
The Rams would score their only points of the game on that drive. It had to have felt like a disappoint on that sideline to have to settle for a 53 yard FG after it looked like they had an easy TD. What a play by McCourty to close in and get contact to break up the ball. His story coming from the 0-16 Browns to make that play and win a Super Bowl with his twin brother could end up a Disney movie someday.
Eventually, the Patriots finished a drive that was equally balanced in rushing and passing highlights. Gronk had two huge catches including a classic peak-Gronk diving catch to set up Sony for the game-winner.
Probably Brady's best throw of the game, as well. Classic Brady put it right where only Gronk could get it. If that ends up being the final catch of his career it's basically the best non-Gronk spike scenario.
After seeing this during mic'd up I think it is more probable than not that this is Gronk's last game. :(
Sounded more like an awkward goodbye by two guys who have gotten a little sick of each other, but deep have a mutual respect and maybe even a little love for each other.
There's a parallel between the way the Pats have won their last two Super Bowls. Each fixing their fatal mistake that cost them the year. In 2015 the Patriots lost the AFC championship game when they couldn't convert on a 2 point conversion to tie the game. In 2016 during the Patriots 25 point comeback in Super Bowl LI they had to convert on two do or die 2 point conversions to tie the game. Last year Tom Brady threw for 505 yards and 3 touchdowns but the defense did him no favors, giving up points on 8 of 10 Eagle drives allowing 41 points. The front 7 didn't touch Foles once. This year Brady threw for half as many yards and the defense forced 8 straight punts. 38 fewer points allowed from the Super Bowl last year and the front 7 dominated the line of scrimmage. I say front 7 but at times it's like 5-6 because of all the db's lol. The point is the defense won them the Super Bowl and picked up an offense who had a rough day.
I'll admit that I gave up hope for a brief moment after Josh Gordon got suspended. Call me Sam Smith cause I know I'm not the only one. But they got hot and found their identity. Pound the rock. They bought into the underdog thing. Sure on paper that may seem a little ridiculous considering the resume this franchise has the last few decades, but this team had it's doubter. They were completely written off by the "experts". Funny how it worked out. Of all Super Bowl wins this path to the Lombardi may be one of the most impressive. Beat the two best teams in the AFC (record wise) in the Chargers and the Chiefs. After going 3-5 on the road in the regular season the Pats had their biggest road win at Arrowhead to go to the Super Bowl. Then in the Super Bowl they beat 13-3 Los Angeles Rams. The Patriots have officially gone San Fran Giants of the first half of the 2010's. Every even year. 2014, 2016, 2018 Super Bowl Champs. #StillHere indeed.
âFather of the year.