I mean, fuck Putin. I'm glad Dee Snider gave freedom fighters in Ukraine his blessing to use "We're Not Gonna Take It" after saying no to selfish cry-babies. Still, as for blog-blogs (Song of the Days are real blogs, but there's something different with blog-blogs), we'll try again tomorrow.
I've spent the last two hours starting three different blogs (JC Jackson's future, Gilded Age Episode 6 tonight, and the 13th anniversary of the Patriots trading Mike Vrabel and Matt Cassel for the pick that turned into Patrick Chung) before pulling the plug due to a combination of a shitty day and my dissolving mental health. My writing is best when I'm genuinely invested in the topic, and I can't emotionally get there right now. I know I have what it takes to make it as a Barstool blogger (#HireDozo), but I slept less than four hours last night and had a terrible first day back after February Break. I'm not myself and hate what teaching is turning me into; I miss enjoying life, making people laugh, and having fun in general. I feel so fucking alone and like I'm living a lie for the sake of a paycheck and health insurance. I hate teaching where I currently do (it's destroying my creativity) and wanted to change majors back in college, but I wasn't allowed. I'm not supposed to be a teacher. It's not what I was meant to do. I've been trying to fit a square peg in a round hole for years.
Nothing I write right now will make or break my blogging career (well, maybe break it at this rate?), and I feel guilty for not "working" towards my goal when I technically have the time, but your boi is BURNT OUT, even on the heels of a week away from the living hell that is teaching in my state's capital.
If you clicked on this blog and read it, seriously, thank you. I'm too self-deprecating and know that some people do at least click on DOL, and if you're one of those people, it means the world. But I'm just not feeling up to it tonight. I shouldn't have posted a SOD, but I wanted to at least try to write something, especially after only writing six blogs during vacation. Sometimes, I can get my groove back after getting home, but tonight is not one of those nights.
I'm a broken man. I can't take this shit anymore, I wish I could just quit my job and go full send with writing/content, but I need insurance and to lose 200 pounds. I hate who I've become since lockdown started 23.5 months ago. I'm finally going to a doctor in a couple weeks and am serious about potentially getting weight loss surgery. I don't want to continue eating myself to death, but sadly it's like the only thing that brings me joy nowadays, and even that joy is hollow because it almost immediately turns into me getting angry with myself for not being strong enough to change. I need a physical barricade to stop me from eating my emotions. I don't want to be able to physically eat #43burgers. Maybe tomorrow, I'll have it in me to blog for my massive audience of nearly nobody (again, if you read DOL, I appreciate it sooo much, but I'm not having a good day and I feel super guilty even complaining about my life given the state of the world rn...inside dozo, that's something I bitch to my shrink about all the time). I wish I had written more during February break, but I was busy a few days with fam stuff and needed time to sleep and do nothing for the sake of my sanity. I have so much more to say, but I think this is enough for now. Please save my life Pres; nobody will appreciate their opportunity and work harder for the stool than me. Despite this sort of therapeutic release, I've written thousands of "quality" blogs over the last six years and have grown so much as a man from writing. I just need someone to believe in me.
Song: We're Not Gonna Take It (1984)
Artist: Twisted Sister
Album: Stay Hungry
DOL stands with Ukraine.
I watched the first two seasons of Ozark in real-time, but even with the third debuting during the peak of quarantine, it took me until last weekend to watch it in full. I don't know how it managed to slip through my streaming cracks, but that's a period I don't like to spend too much brain power "reminiscing," so instead, I'll give credit to everybody I've interacted with since March of 2020 for not spoiling it. **Alanis voice** Thank you, thank youuuu!
Proof I have a goldfish brain.
I'm just gonna assume I was drunk when I tweeted this. Clearly, I DID wait.
Saturday-Monday, I watched 17 episodes to catch all the way up with Ozark (s/o Feb break), knowing that part 2 was scheduled to come out in May. Well, look at lucky Ole Dozo; less than 48 hours after I get all squared up after two years of procrastination, Netflix drops this teaser to let us know the finale of Ozark (Season 4, Part 2) is coming sooner than expected. Looks like I picked the (near) perfect time to jump back in.
Moving up the release date to April 29th is like the streaming equivalent of something costing $19.99 instead of 20 bucks. April 29th is basically May, but it is undoubtedly sooner and Sublime. If you're still behind on what is IMO one of the best series Netflix has ever produced, you've got a little over two months to catch up. No spoilers because I'm a hashtag good guy, but man, I did not see all those particular deaths at those specific times coming!
Ya boi is currently on February break, which means I'm at war with myself between relaxing and refreshing from the horror that is teaching in the Creative Capital or grinding towards my Barstool dreams. #HireDozo
I want to work for Barstool more than anything in the entire world. I know I would thrive in that environment and be an ideal piece for the pirate ship, but spoiler alert, my "mentals" are not in the most ideal spot rn. There's a reason I don't put my face out there like I used to. I'm ashamed of who I've become (physically) since Covid rocked all our lives. I'm going to a doctor next month to try and get shit in order, but I need to chill and reset from getting coins and markers thrown at me, and asked 84 times in 48 minutes whether or not I've eaten ass (obviously I have).
If I'm at home and I'm not writing, I'm probably playing Madden with music or some video (I've been on a Family Guy compilation bender) going on my laptop. #multitasking. I've been playing this game for over 20 years, and it's something that genuinely brings me joy. I played in a Madden league during early Covid. I love football and the competition of trying to beat a stranger in an attempt to feel good about myself for a few minutes. There's legit strategy that comes into play and as a football guy, I medium-key get off on trying to outsmart my opponent. I used to play with a custom playbook, but I wish you could design your own plays. That's an update that's definitely possible, but EA has zero interest in improving the product since they have no competitors in the market.
It's Wednesday night, and I've only written four blogs so far this week, but played probably three dozen games of Madden while catching up with Ozark and rewatching Ted Lasso as a palate cleanser, but it got me thinking. There are some fucking scumbags on the Madden servers. Write about that!
Much like Deborah Welton, I'm a work in progress. I know I'm not perfect, but I try to live the hashtag good guy mantra as much as possible. I'm open to constructive criticism. I always appreciate constructive criticism about my life performance; I thrive on it. I've played tens, if not hundreds of thousands of online Madden games in my life and have come across some truly despicable behavior. I'm not talking about using slurs or obviously scuzzy behavior; I'm talking about poor player etiquette. As a man of the people, here's some help from your friend Ole Dozo to avoid being an online Madden scumbag. Inspired from the Notorious B.I.G.'s 10 Crack Commandments, here are the DOL 10 Madden Commandments.
The 10 Madden Commandments
1. Have your Depth Chart ready to go.
It's not 1999, bro/girl bro/they/them bro, the game has advanced a liiittle. Adjust your players in the depth chart before entering the lobby looking for an opponent. It's super annoying when somebody pauses immediately after the opening kickoff to change their slot receiver. Take care of it beforehand. I don't care if you're bringing back an injured star; it's a fucking video game. Just do it before the game starts!
2. Play your game.
It's a video game. It's supposed to be fun. I'm not some loser saying you shouldn't go for two, attempt onside kicks, or go for it on 4th down. If you wanna go for it on 4th and 27, that's your right. I LOVE going for two after scoring a touchdown that puts me up seven points in an attempt to go up two scores. It's a smart move that more teams should embrace, especially in the 4th quarter.
3. Don't use the accelerated clock in non-necessary situations.
Online Madden games are only five-minute quarters. If you run the ball three times and complete a couple of passes, you can easily kill an entire quarter on one drive. I have ZERO issues with draining the clock in a two-minute goal-line situation or trying to put a game away in the FOURTH quarter, but if you're running an accelerated clock from the jump to try to limit possessions like the 1990 Giants against the Bills in Super Bowl XXV, you're a fucking loser.
4. Respect the Friendly Quit.
I'm not saying respect the friendly quit if someone is down big in the 4th quarter and trying to avoid a loss on their record, fuck that. Make them quit for real, but if you're matched up with someone using the same team (it's ridiculous that Madden still does this) and someone requests an immediate "friendly quit" so nobody gets a loss, do the right thing and accept. The same goes for if the uniforms fuck up and you're both wearing white (which happens against the Cowboys all the time) or similar colors. There are way too many douchebags that will deny it, so they get a free win if you end up quitting because playing against the same team or uniform is flat-out not fun. If you're that desperate to boost your record, you should slit your throat with the Madden disc.
5. Don't quit when there's less than a minute left.
If you're down 28-3 in the 3rd quarter and wanna call it a game, go for it; no complaints here. I love making my opponent quit. What I can't stand (and admittedly, I've done it a handful of times) is when someone quits a game with like 20 seconds left because they're butt hurt they got stopped on their final drive. When someone quits, you lose access to stats and replays, and some people are interested in seeing how they performed on 3rd downs or how many different receivers had a reception. If you made it that far, suck it up and let the game officially end so your opponent can check the stats.
6. Use an accelerated clock if you're kneeling it out late.
Madden might be a video game, but it's still football. If you've got the game won and don't want to risk a turnover, I have no issue kneeling out the final two minutes. This sort of ties in with #3 and #5, but if you're gonna kneel it out, you have to run an accelerated clock. Time is valuable, and if you're up four points with 1:24 left and your opponent is out of timeouts, put them out of their misery and run an accelerated clock so we can bang these kneel-downs out in like 27 seconds of real-time. I can understand violating #5 if some douche bag takes two minutes to kneel out a victory.
7. Don't use the Kansas City Chiefs.
It takes zero skill to bomb it to Tyreek Hill with Patrick Mahomes. The game makes it nearly impossible to defend. Anybody who's played more than three games in their career can go off with a 99 QB-WR combo. I have negative respect for folks that play this way. Win 200+ games with Mac Jones, then talk to me.
8. If you're playing with a microphone, don't have music blaring in the background.
I have a headset but seldom use it because I have zero interest in mucking it up with my competitors and usually have something playing in the background. I'm not some maniac who exposes strangers to whatever I've got going on. I'm sure they don't want to listen to me hate-watch a WatchMojo countdown. Unfortunately, I've come across multiple people who use a microphone in Madden with music or conversations in the background, and it is a straight-up scumbag move. It's the video game equivalent of playing music on your phone in public without headphones. Yes, I know I can mute my tv (which I usually do), but sometimes you wanna hear what Charles Davis has to say. Actually, don't say shit if your opponent isn't talking too. You sound like a crazy person having a conversation with yourself.
9. Don't "ask Madden."
Be your own person. Call your plays.
10. Thou Shall Not Kill
That's just solid advice regardless of what you believe. It's just a game, friendo. Nobody needs to die tonight.
Speaking of the B.I.G. man upstairs and football, check out my spirit week shirt from my senior year of high school.
We lost 45-0 on homecoming the next day lolol, but I was STILL a key loss!
Yesterday, one of my all-time favorite bands, Florence + the Machine, teased a new song out of nowhere, their first since "Call Me Cruella" from Disney's Cruella.
And now that it's today, "King" is here. I've been up for good for less than two hours and already watched this video five times. Florence is why all people who make a living in music are not artists. THIS is art. She is art. Queen, King, whatever you want to call her, Florence Welch has one of the greatest voices in the history of humanity, and I am soooo happy her + the Machine are back. Between her powerful, enchanting voice, the drums, and orchestra, it's vintage Florence taking pieces for all their eras (although admittedly High As Hope was not my swag).
Florence said this about her + the Machine's latest track: "As an artist, I never actually thought about my gender that much. I just got on with it. I was as good as the men and I just went out there and matched them every time. But now, thinking about being a woman in my thirties and the future, I suddenly feel this tearing of my identity and my desires. That to be a performer, but also to want a family might not be as simple for me as it is for my male counterparts. I had modeled myself almost exclusively on male performers, and for the first time I felt a wall come down between me and my idols as I have to make decisions they did not."
I've got virtual therapy in like 10 minutes so that's all for now, but I cannot wait to hear this entire album. FLORENCE IS BACK AND SHE IS KING!!!
Song: Throat Goat (2022)
Artist: Kim Petras
Album: Slut Pop
I can't wait til the fascist right finds this jam and spontaneously combusts. If you have 16 free minutes, Slut Pop is a MUST listen EP. It's like Joni Mitchell, and Cardi B joined forces to write this masterpiece. I'd be honored if Ms. Petras sucked me behind the bar. Luckily she loves it big or SMALL!
On 2/2/22, the Washington Football Team announced their new name: The Washington Commanders (which fucking stinks, but that's not what this blog is about). With the announcement came a new logo, uniforms, and crest. Because the Washington whatever the fucks are one of the most poorly run organizations in all of North American professional sports, their new crest featured the wrong years of their Super Bowl seasons. As we all know, in Washington, you can't even get people to agree on facts.
*Shitty low-hanging fruit joke alert*in their defense, it's been a while.
I've been screaming online to nobody about respecting the league year for YEARS. I even did it in person once. My favorite dive in my hometown sold unlicensed "2015 Super Bowl Champs" gear for the Patriots after they won Super Bowl XLIX, and I called out on their lack of basic NFL knowledge (sadly, it didn't stop them from selling them).
After nearly three weeks of getting dunked by people of all shapes and sizes online for fucking up something so simple as the season they won Super Bowls (and the terrible name itself), the Commanders (perhaps in homage to the date they broke their own news?) waited until 2/22/22 to proofread their crest and resubmit for partial credit.
See, pressure works! Thank you Washington Commanders for respecting the league year. Now if only you did so something about your erector set stadium!
Song: Anthem, Pt. 2 (2001)
Artist: Blink 182
Album: Take Off Your Pants and Jacket
I wonder why I chose this song 2oday of all days?
In December, when tickets for my favorite solo artist, that's also a band, Tame Impala, went on sale, I made the mistake of trying to put together a bro night and bought six tickets without six confirmed yeses. At the time, I had five yeses and a maybe, so I bought the tickets in fear of a sellout/price gouge. Now, if you want to blame me for pulling the trigger and trying to make a memory with the fellas after losing two years of our late-primes due to a global pandemic, that is your right, but I assumed when the price point between being "in" was less than $50 that eventually they'd come to their senses and let it happen.
Now that the show is less than a month away, and I'm not a very good planner, I'm trying to book a hotel room so my friends and I can enjoy the show as Kevin Parker intended. I texted the two "maybes" (one yes semi-backed out) today to get a concrete answer to know if we'll need one or two rooms; perhaps we'd ball out and get a suite?
One of the guys was like a 95% no, and the other was closer to 50/50, but gun to my head; I knew they were both likely out, but I just wanted to confirm for sure so I could figure out what to do with my potential two ticket surplus.
Both confirmed they were out, which is cool, I wish they'd go, but if they don't want to go, that's their choice. Genuinely no hard feelings, one even offered to pay for his ticket without going, so I won't have to eat it, which is not what I'm worried about. It's not about the money; I just wanted to know if they were in or out so I could try to find replacements or exchange the tickets.
I've been using SeatGeek for years. I like how there are no hidden fees like Ticketmaster, where you think a pair of tickets is, let's say, $100, then you go to check out, and it's $166.38. Fuddat. I've never exchanged or resold tickets but knew they offered that as a feature, so before potentially reaching out to other people to take their spots, I looked at the possibility of swapping my six tickets for four. Thank God I read the FAQs.
I have zero issues with the 72-hour policy; that makes sense to me. Even if they were straight up like "no exchanges, ever," I could live with that because at least they're being honest about how they get down as a company, but this whole "we'll add your 100% SeatGeek Promo Code to your account" then only let you use it for one purchase is fucking GARBAGE, BULL SHIT.
It makes zero fucking sense to me. So I could theoretically use the $1050 I spent on six tickets towards a ticket that costs $1051, and that's fine and dandy, but I can't use, let's say, $820 of it on four floor seats then have the remaining $230 in my account as credit towards a future purchase? Why the fuck not, SeatGeek? It's credit from the money I've already given you. We're just moving credit around at this point. It's not even real.
I'll even give you the one-year, use it or lose it policy. Do you, but to offer full credit, but make it a one-time-only situation is just lousy fucking business and customer service IMO. It's not like this will put you out of business; if anything, it'll make customers like you more and blabber to their friends about how amazing your exchange policy is.
Imagine if you returned something and got store credit, but they only let you use it for one purchase. If I go to Marshalls and return 150 bucks worth of out-of-season Ralph Lauren, they're not going to give me $150 in-store credit, then keep the rest if I use it to buy a soda. Cities would burn if that were the case. Instead, you'd have the remaining balance on the gift card they gave you. There's literally no reason SeatGeek can't do the same. It's not hard to be decent.
For the record, this blog is NOT about my two friends that opted to stay home instead of enjoying a fantastic show; that's fine. I don't want them getting it twisted; I just needed to give the details of how I got into this situation. I have zero ill-will towards their decision, but SeatGeek can kiss my whole flat ass!
If you're interested in seeing Tame Impala at Mohegan Sun on March 12th, hmu ASAP!
Song: Love's Train (2022)
Artist: Silk Sonic
Silk Sonic can save the world. These guys are incredible together; I hope they make 50 albums.
This is a cover of Con Funk Shun's 1982 single of the same name.