Well it's official.
In one of the most bizarre stories of my prolific niche blogging career, the defending Eastern Conference Champion Boston Celtics have suspended head coach Ime Udoka for the entire 2022-23 campaign for "violations of team policies."
All we know is he was in a consensual relationship with another adult human in the organization. Is cheating wrong? Yes. It's not my swag, but it's not 700 BC. Adultery isn't a crime (according to a quick wiki glance). How this is worthy of a suspension reserved for real crimes is beyond me, but I am hashtag bummed the fuck out. It's been all downhill since the closing minutes of Game 4.
There has to be more to this story, but for now, all we know is that Ime was suspended for the entire season for having sex. I'm sorry; I thought this was America? I don't get it. Danny Ainge is gone. This ain't BYU. There is no honor code. How is this worthy of 82 games?? I hate to play that card, but this is some Jim Crow era misjustice. No chance this would happen to Brad Stevens if he was a sex haver. The captain aaaaand thheeee trruuuuuthh said it best:
My money is on Ime fucking somebody's wife that works in the organization and this is a power play to assert dominance after being a cuckold. I cannot believe this is a real story in 2022. So much for "it's all about 18." #FREEIME
Preach, Bobby! Fuck Brett Favre.
KoRn Guitarist Brian "Head" Welch Jammed with Some High Schoolers After Speaking About Mental Health
The headline basically says it all, but how cool is this?
So apparently, Alice Cooper (noted Arizona guy)---
---runs some teen centers. Good for him. I guess school's never out for Alice. On the 20th he hosted an event called "Scream 4 Me" about suicide prevention and mental health awareness at Skyline High School in Mesa, Arizona where Brian "Head" Welch from KoRn was a featured speaker.
TBH I'm a little surprised high schoolers in 2022 are getting fired up about KoRn, but this is still super cool to see. What an awesome experience for these kids that they'll never forget. Talk about giving them more reasons to not take the early checkout (as tempting as it might be).
988 is the new suicide prevention hotline. Everybody struggles. Super cool of Head to jam with this kids. You love to see, I can see, I can see...it.
Look, I get it; we don't know all the details yet, blah, blah, blah. Like I said in my last blog, I get the power dynamics aspect, but by all accounts, it looks like the Boston Celtics are going to suspense Ime Udoka an entire season for getting into some pussy. THE ENTIRE SEASON.
Gilbert Arenas got 50 games for pulling a gun in the locker room.
Latrell Sprewell got 68 games for choking the shit out of PJ Carlesimo.
Ron Artest was suspended for the remainder of the season after his role in the Malice at the Palace (punching a fan in the face). However, he still played in seven games before the punch, so that's technically not an entire season suspension in my eyes.
I know it's a different sport, and over a decade ago, but Donté Stallworth literally killed a guy and got a full-year suspension. Are we saying cheating and some hurt feelings are on par with DUI manslaughter??
What the actual fuck is going on?
From my research (twitter and group chats) it appears Ime might've been getting it on with a Celtics executive's wife, which makes me think this suspension is more personal than anything.
Sure, I'm speculating like crazy; the number of games hasn't been announced yet, but the fact that a whole season is even on the table blows my mind. Are we trying to win a ring or what? Honestly it's kind of gross this story even leaked before things were official. The Celtics should've done a better job handling this internally which really makes me think the C's executive story has some legs.
I get where this Kaufman guy is coming from. It's not fair for the women, but let the fellas have some fun on twitter. What do you expect when a crazy story like this happens on a non-NFL game day? I respect women (as everybody should) but that last sentence is some serious white-knighting. True equality is everybody being the butt of jokes.
idk who @ConorAKAFrank is but I Doz AKA Ryan agree wholeheartedly. It's bad look by the C's to let this get out before it's official. They could've protected their employees better.
Honestly, I do not care who the head coach of any of my teams is fucking as long as they're a person over the age of 18. Sure it can be fun to talk about but I don't care if Ime is blowing 75 year old dudes or eating 22 year old they/them pussy as long as the Celtics are winning. What happened to it's all about 18?
Song: Me and Mrs. Jones (1972)
Artist: Billy Paul
Album: 360 Degrees of Billy Paul
Ime Udoka is Likely In Trouble Thanks to the Vaguest Woj Bomb of 2022 (UPDATE: NOW WE KNOW WHAT'S UP BUT PLEASE STILL READ ME #HIREDOZO)
most vague?? idk but what is this shit???
There are Woj Bombs, and then there are OklaWoja City Bombings, like whatever this vague-ass dispatch is about. Like, did Ime mother fuck the wrong person or commit some light treason like George Bluth Sr?
After absolutely destroying the New England area's night, Woj went on SVPcenter and basically restated his tweet in as many ways as possible, giving essentially no specifics about what is going on with Ime Udoka.
I've seen speculations ranging from gambling to cheating to committing one of my biggest pet peeves back when I lived and died with the Boston Red Sox (before they traded away generational talent for pennies on the dollar).
I don't know who Tim McKone is, but I couldn't agree more.
Usually, I'm not too jazzed up about Celtics training camp, but I've been looking forward to the season since watching the last one end from the 300s section squeezed into a Rondo jersey I got like Christmas '09.
Yesterday we found out Time's gonna miss some..time.
Now Ime is possibly suspended for breaking the Celtics honor code?? This is ain't BYU, brah. What could he have possibly done to get into this vague ass situation? I'm not buying the cheating stuff. I'm not saying he didn't; I hope he didn't, I just highly doubt an NBA Head Coach would get a sussie for some pussy/bussy (no judgment here #ally).
If I were a gambling man, which I just so happen to be (I've been making TikToks for TML this year, and they've been coming out around 12:45, so I've be just posting them on TikTok and Twitter for rapid consumption----but your boi's 0-2 and a not even close, these never had a chance, 0-2. This will be our week, be sure to follow @dozonlife for the picks, but anyway back to Ime), I'd say this is could be a gambling situation. The ole Calvin Ridley. That seems like something that would violate organizational guidelines, but then again, the one little nugget Woj gave us mentioned how this is a team issue and not a league issue, making me think it wouldn't be gambling. That seems like something Adam Silver would want to handle.
Now, this perfectly executed tweet by Dragonfly makes a lot of sense, even though I said I don't think it's a cheating situation just a paragraph ago.
I guess we'll know more in the next 24-48 hours, but man Woj could you be any more fucking vague? I don't know what the C's will do if Ime catches a sussie. Will Hardy is gone; Woj mentioned maybe Joe Mazzulla (RHODE ISLAND IN THE HOUSE) could fill Ime's shoes during a possible suspension. But isn't the answer obvious if Ime misses some time?
I'm not sure if that'd be a setback or not. I mean, Brad was solid af here. Great guy, but I feel like he wasn't right for the Jays. Too mellow. Ime will bark back and call guys out in public. I fuck with Ime, but it looks like Ime might've fucked with the wrong person. Let's not assume until we get some concrete detail. There's no sense in wondering yourself into a panic like I do with nearly all situations in my life. I just would enjoy seeing the Boston Celtics win the NBA Finals: Presented by YoutubeTV, next year, and this situation doesn't help that cause. I mean, keep firing the jokes off; I'll end the blog with those.
Well, it looks like the mystery's been solved, but I just wrote that whole blog, I'm posting it. I saw this tweet legit 30 seconds before I was gonna publish. I didn't change any takes (only typos); I'm an honest man!
Shams > Woj. As a child of divorce I hate to see it. Ime has a young kid, but as a man; I mean we gotta see what she looks like. They don't wanna hear that in 2022, but that's the truth sadly with hot, rich people. Like Chris Rock said "a man is as loyal as his options." As long as it was consensual, I don't see the big deal from a team POV, other than the potential distraction, weird power dynamics, awkwardness when it inevitably ends and the cheating (which is technically wrong) thing. If Nia Long likes thiiccccc (morbidly obese) white bois with *fun sized* pieces and needs a shoulder to cry on, I'm only a DM away.
The official DOL Stance on 99.58% of celebrity relationships.
Song: September (1978)
Artist: Earth, Wind & Fire
Album: The Best of Earth, Wind & Fire, Vol. I
Got it in just under the gun!
I'm sure I've said this before, but for the blog's sake, I'll bring it up now. Talk about an all-time calling your shot move by EWF releasing "September" as a single on their greatest hits. When you know, you know.
So wtf is up with Ime????
As someone trying to make it in a creative field, I don't love shitting on someone out there creating. Honestly, I don't think I am being too hard here because some of these are pretty good, but this "As If Nothing Happened" project is flawed at best. Plus, it's not like someone created these from scratch and poured their heart and soul into it. These are basically fucking photoshops.
What the heck am I talking about?
So today, during one of my many bathroom trips, I was scrolling IG and saw this series of pictures that project what certain dead celebrities would look like today "as if nothing happened," aka they didn't die prematurely from murder, drugs, alcohol, or potentially their own hand.
Now, AI is fucking terrifying when you think about how it can be used for evil, but there's a plenty of fun to be had before that day comes. If you haven't messed around on Craiyon yet, I highly recommend it, but let's focus on these photos created with AI and a number of other software tools. For each picture I will assign a letter grade based on how accurate it'd be if the subject was still alive.
Diana, Princess of Wales; Death Age: 36; As If Nothing Happened Age: 61
The death of Diana, Princess of Wales, is one of the earliest memories I have of my childhood. I was five then and can vaguely remember watching TV coverage of the tragedy at my dad's old house. That doesn't really matter while grading this image; I just have to find a way to make everything about the passing of time during my lifetime.
From what I know about Princess Di, she was beloved, beautiful (despite her Pete Rose haircut), and a champion for human rights. Had Diana of turned 61 years old in 1964, maybe she would've looked like this. There's just no way with modern medicine and the access she had that her skin would be so bad at 61. Did she smoke thirty bundles of sticks a day? This progression feels too harsh. MAYBE she'd look like this if she was forced to watch her car crash on a loop for 25 years. We must remember how hot celebrities in their 50s and 60s can still be nowadays. Have you seen Heather Graham? They've got Lady Di looking like Mae the barmaid from Ted Lasso when in reality, I think she'd be more on pace with a Julianne Moore or Julia Louis-Dreyfus in terms of aging finely.
Freddie Mercury; Death Age: 45; As If Nothing Happened Age: 75
Speaking of making things about my life, Freddie Mercury died just three weeks before I was born. Of all the images in this series, I think his progression may be the most accurate (despite his skin being much better than 14 years younger Diana's). I doubt at 75, his hair would be that full. Maybe the lack of stress from seeing how much more tolerant society has gotten towards the queer community (there's still a ways to go) since 1991 could of helped him save that salad? It's a shame that elder statesman Freddie never got to see a single episode of the original Queer Eye for the Straight Guy. He would've loved Thom and Kyan.
John Lennon; Death Age: 40; As If Nothing Happened Age: 81
Like Freddie, I'd imagine John Lennon would have this much less hair at this age, especially when he'd be in his early 80s. Between dealing with Yoko and the strenuous Beatles reunion tour schedule in the late 80s and early 90s, I'd suspect more thinning. His face feels somewhat accurate based on 80-year-olds I've seen in my time on this planet, although statistically and stereotypically speaking, his teeth would be in much worse condition (cuz he's British).
Grade: A solid B, as in the Beatles
Heath Ledger; Death Age: 28; As If Nothing Happened Age: 43
From this point it's all black and white like the colored ink of this AI and number of other software tools ran out. Heath Ledger was a certified hottie. Not to me (more of a Jake Gyllenhaal guy), but to millions of people across the globe. Under the assumption that these people would still be alive today I feel like this progression did him dirtier than his dick in Brokeback. He'd only be 43. Maybe this would be good for 63? But he looks more weathered than Creed's third album.
Jimi Hendrix; Death Age: 27; As If Nothing Happened Age: 78
This is where things get dicey because there's such a massive gap between death & would-be-alive age. The black and white photo does me no favors in the grading process. It's sort of an old bohemian Frederick Douglas vibe. There's a fair amount of aging for a 78-year old, but his hands look like they have makeup on them. Major open casket funeral energy. Also, I'm a long hair guy, but do we think a 78-year-old Jimi Hendrix would have it that wild pushing 80? Even in the 60s there were times Jimi kept his 'fro surprisingly tight (look at Woodstock). I'm choking here thinking of more comments, but this is far from the most egregious progression in this series.
Kurt Cobain; Death Age: 27; As If Nothing Happened Age: 55
I'm not too fond of these black and white pics because it makes the photo much tougher to grade since it's harder to make out specific details. Even with that, this one stinks. Sure, Kurt was addicted to heroin which is notoriously bad for you, but this feels more like Joe Walsh than Kurt Cobain. It has his eyes, but the face looks too beat, even for an addict. Plus, had he survived, he probably would've ended up going sober by like 2003. When you look at fellow grunge guys who are still alive (and there's not a ton left), they all look better than this. I think Kurt would, too, if he hadn't killed himself/been murdered by Courtney Love.
Michael Jackson; Death Age: 50; As If Nothing Happened Age: 63
When you say "as if nothing happened," does that include switching races? I get it, Michael was burned in a Pepsi commercial and had vitiligo, but he also died most recently of everybody in this project. June 25th, 2009 to be exact.. I remember because it was the last day of my junior year of high school and coverage was on every TV at Twin Willows. Poor Farrah, all-time death upstaging.
I'll say it. That's like Michael's 1978 nose. The dude died in 2009. Did the AI and number of other software tools forget that '09 MJ looked like a Guy Fawkes mask? This guy looks like a cool cat to smoke a joint with (assuming he never...ya know), but it does not accurately portray a would-be 63-year-old Michael Jackson. Maybe, Lamar Jackson?
Elvis Presley; Death Age: 42; As If Nothing Happened Age: 87
There's low effort, and then there's whatever this is. The Nathan For You age progression was better than this. Elvis would be 87 years old today, and they've got him here with full, dark eyebrows, the arms of a 17-year-old, and better skin than Diana. There's not a wrinkle below his eyes. I guess Elvis got the lap band too because he looks like a weighs 160. This is borderline the worst progression in the bunch. Also, I know it's not the spirit of the exercise, but if Elvis didn't die in 1977, there's no way he makes even 1980.
Janis Joplin; Death Age: 27; As If Nothing Happened Age: 79
The later we go into the "As If Nothing Happened" series it feels like the AI and a number of other software tools stopped trying. Admittedly, I know the least about Janis Joplin of everybody on this list, but I don't think she'd look like a hippy Mrs. Doubtfire if she made it past 1970. At least everybody else on this list (even if the picture stinks) sort of resembles the person. This could be any Oregon grandma with a platysmaplasty.
Tupac Shakur; Death Age: 25; As If Nothing Happened Age: 51
This won't receive an F because it stayed somewhat true to Tupac's facial features; I just don't see Tupac getting that fat or having Al Sharpton's forehead at 51. I know 26 years is a long time, but he had way too much to lose with the location of his "THUG LIFE" tattoo. Pac would've kept it tight. He'd be one of those celebs you can't believe is in their 50s. This photo is more like "what would Kirby Puckett look like as if nothing happened?" If Pac ever sees this (20% chance), you're about to feel the wrath of a menace @âalperyesiltas.
Well, that was a fun way to kill a couple hours. R.I.P. all these dead folks. Credit to @alperyesiltas for making this photo series, but would it have killed you to keep using color photographs? Don't take my shit talk personally. It's all in good fun. What do you think about the "As If Nothing Happened" series? What famous dead person would you like to see shoddy age progressions of? Sound off in the comments!
I'll end on a positive. This Amy Winehouse progression is the best one yet. It should've definitely been included in the post I used to make this blog. She looks better here than she ever did alive. #would. R.I.P.
This morning when I should've been sleeping, I was scrolling Twitter, trying to distract my brain from thinking about uncertainties of the future and the inevitability of not just my death but everybody I've ever loved. That's when I came across a clip from TikTok of the Northern Boys should be hit single "Party Time," that made me literally LOL ("laugh out loud," for those new to the information superhighway).
Now, who are the Northern Boys? Upon further research, I found their names (Norman and Patrick, plus their mate Kevin) and the whole song. This would've been today's Song of the Day if it wasn't the 49th "anniversary" of Jim Croce's death. I cannot emphasize enough how hilariously dark these lyrics and their deliveries are.
Songs like this are why the internet is still an amazing place despite its flaws. Sure the beat is stolen, but most English art is. I cannot get over how relatable (for some, no judgement) and funny the lyrics are. It's so well-written. Their mannerisms, and Patrick's flow are hysterical. Fuck Charles III and his sausage fingies, these are the real Kings.
Now I'm not condoning smoking crack or hanging yourself in your neighbour's tree, but there's just something hilarious about a couple of late 60s Brits bopping around screaming/rapping about their struggles (living in a studio flat that's covered in mould, having a wife that wants you to die cause you're addicted to crack, etc.) and what people of all ages do to take the edge off---with their mate Kevin.
Not only is "Party Time/Northern Boy" hilarious but it also teaches value lessons, like the importance of consent.
Only to immediately follow that lesson up with quite possibly the most British verse in history.
(not as British but still hilarious)
Every time I watch the video, I discover another hilarious detail. There's plenty of stuff in the world to bring you down, but this track sure as shite ain't one of them. I can't wait to hear The Northern Boys follow up. Now I gotta go, I gotta take a number three.
Sorry lads if you're like Welsh, Scottish or Irish; I assumed you're Brits.
If you didn't hear this song and only read it, this part could get confusing. My brain immediately went to "dicks" and sketchy "pussy."
Sunday's NFL slate had three incredible comebacks. The Dolphins became the first team since 2006 to win a game where they trailed by 21 points in the 4th quarter. Arizona erased a 20-point deficit to defeat the Raiders in overtime, highlighted by a straight-up video game two-point conversion by Kyler of Duty.
Week 2 of the 2022 NFL season is the first in NFL history to feature multiple comebacks by teams trailing by at least 20 points, but ya boi is here to talk about the J-E-T-S Jets! Jets! Jets!
Everybody and their mother knows I don't fuck with the Jets. They're one of the most sorry organizations in NFL history. Did you know the Jets (established in 1960 as the Titans of New York) have only won four division titles, and two are from the AFL? Since 1970, the Jacksonville Jaguars have won more division titles (3) than the New York Jets (2), and they played their first season in 1995.
It's only fitting that arguably the sorriest organization since their revival in 1999, the Cleveland Browns choked away a seemingly insurmountable lead to Gang Green.
There's no sense in me wasting my time recapping what happened when I can credit Mike Florio. Here's what went down in the 4th quarter of Jets @ Browns.
Here’s the situation. The Browns led, 24-17. The Jets took their final timeout with 2:09 to play.
The problems actually began when running back Kareem Hunt took a second-and-six carry from the New York 24 down to the 12. Hunt failed to stay in bounds, stopping the clock at 2:02. If Hunt had stayed in bounds, the clock would have run down to two minutes, the clock would have stopped for the two-minute warning, and (as anyone who plays Madden knows) three victory-formation kneel-downs would have chewed up the final 120 seconds.
Instead, the Browns had to run a play. First and 10 on the 12.
Chubb got the ball on a handoff. He made a cut to the outside and got to the corner. Inside the five, he cut back inside. Instead of just laying down at the two, he walked into the end zone.
He didn’t need to go down. With the clock stopping for the two-minute warning, Chubb could have (should have) ducked out of bounds inside the two. If Chubb had done it, the game would have been over — after three successful kneel-downs.
Instead, Chubb scored. Then rookie kicker Cade York missed the extra point. Then no one bothered to cover Corey Davis on a 64-yard catch and run from Joe Flacco. Then the Jets recovered an onside kick. And then the Jets drove down the field and scored, winning the game.
Now there's no denying that if Nick Chubb fell short of the goal line, the Browns could've knelt on the ball and run the clock out. Of course, that's true. The Jets can't win if they don't get the ball back.
We've even seen Nick Chubb avoid scoring in a similar situation. Against the Texans in 2020, up 10-7 in the final minute of the 4th quarter, Chubb went out of bounds on a would-be 60-yard touchdown run, so the Browns could kneel the ball out. Even up 17/16 (depending on the PAT) to 7 late, with possession, the Texans would've technically still had a pulse. This play effectively ended the game since Houston was out of timeouts.
I just have a really hard time blaming a running back who scored three touchdowns and rushed for 87 yards for the Browns becoming the first team in 21 years to surrender a 13+ point lead in the final 2:00 of a game.
Did Nick Chubb miss the ensuing extra point?
Did Nick Chubb call this idiotic defense that allowed Joe Flacco to do the one thing Joe Flacco is good for (throw Hail Marys/PI prayers)?
sick effort, Browns DBs.
Did Nick Chubb fail to recover the onside kick?
Did Nick Chubb let the lowly Jets travel 53 yards in under a minute with zero timeouts to take the lead?
Football is a team game where an entire roster and coaching staff are responsible for what happens on the field. Sure, you can try to be a football hipster hardo and look quasi-intelligent by saying, "actually, Chubb shouldn't have scored there," as if that situation hasn't been talked about ad nauseam the last 5ish years. Whether it be Todd Gurley (remember him?) intentionally not scoring against the Packers in 2018---
---or Todd Gurley accidentally scoring against the Lions in 2020, which ended up costing the Falcons the game.
There's no available footage on the internet, but this situation even occurred way back in 2012 during the final minutes of Super Bowl XLVI when a Giants running back tried to stop himself from scoring. NYG was down 17-15 at the time and could've milked the clock to kick a last-second chip shot field goal. Instead, Bradshaw scored, which gave the Patriots the ball back with under a minute and a chance to win. They didn't, but that situation and the Falcons-Lions one from 2020 are a little different because it was trailing teams trying to milk the clock and kick a last-second field goal.
In Cleveland, Nick Chubb scored a touchdown against the timeout-less Jets to extend the Browns lead to 13. You can blame Chubb for scoring or Stefanski for not having him prepared, but at the end of the day, the Browns could've stopped Flacco, recovered the onside kick, or stopped Flacco again. They did none of those things. But the L is on Nick Chubb, got it!
Situational football is paramount for success. Bill Belichick's been preaching that since the days he was making 25 bucks a week with the Baltimore Colts. I'll even concede that the savvy play would've been for Nick Chubb to fall down inside the five-yard line, but if you really are blaming that choke job on him when he wasn't on the field for any of the Browns last-minute meltdowns, you are a simpleton. It didn't cost them the game, everything that happened after the touchdown did.
In most situations, it's unfair to paint an entire group of people with a broad brush because of the actions of a few assholes. I'm not saying all Browns fans deserved to have their hearts ripped out by the ghost of Joe Flacco (again), but these ones definitely did.
Song: Workin' at the Car Wash Blues (1973)
Artist: Jim Croce
Album: I Got a Name
R.I.P. Jim Croce. 49 years ago today, America lost one of its greatest singer-songwriters just as his career was ascending. After playing a show at Northwestern State University in Louisiana, Croce's charted flight crashed shortly following takeoff, killing him and five others. He was just 30 years old.
The next day, arguably his signature song, "I Got a Name," was released as a single (although it was used a few months before in the movie The Last American Hero).
Croce went on to have three posthumous top 10 hits (including "I've Got a Name"). "Workin' at the Car Wash Blues" peaked at #32 in 1974 and was a top 10 Adult Contemporary hit, peaking at #9.
On Friday, I went to Outlaw Fest, and the Avett Brothers played a beautiful stripped-down cover of "Operator."