The First Round of the 2018 NFL Draft just ended and boy oh boy was it a doozy. What a night. Some draft experts predicted up to four (4) picks correctly! Remarkable.

Since the draft just ended moments ago I have some knee jerk reactions to share. But before that when it comes to notable non-Patriot picks these stand out:

Baker Mayfield is a Cleveland Brown, allowing lazy-ass Johnny Manziel comparisons which bother me because as a football guy I can assure you Baker Mayfield is upwards of 38x a better passer than Johnny Football. The Buffalo Bills drafted Josh Allen dot com.  The Saints traded up to take a pass rushed out of football factory UTEP,  not Lamar Jackson who like Edgar Allen Poe is a Raven. The Cowboys took a dude named Leighton Vander Esch. Cannot wait to hear Cowboy fans true to pronounce that one. Finally, Josh Rosen fell to the Arizona Cardinals at 10. Chosen Rosen was not too pleased about it.

If I'm the Cardinals I'm ecstatic Rosen fell to #10. The last time a Jew went to the desert he was there for 40 years. Looks like Arizona just locked up it's franchise QB for the foreseeable future. 

What I'm here to talk about is the Patriots. 

My New England Patriots actually used both of there 1st round picks, something I was not entirely sure would happen. I figured they'd either trade one to stockpile picks, or shock the world and package the picks to move up and take a QB. Neither of those scenarios came to fruition. Instead they drafted two players off the National Champion runners up Georgia Bulldogs.

I guess Georgia is the new Rutgers?

​Still deciding if we're gonna call them the "New England Bulldogs" or "Georgia Patriots". That's a very original joke that you'll only find here on dozonlife.com

As for those New England Bulldogs at 23rd overall the Pats took offensive tackle Isaiah Wynn. 

And at 31st overall they selected the man Wynn was blocking for at UGA: Sony Michel.

​

Tbh I didn't watch a ton of college football this year so last night was the first time I've ever heard of most of the non-QBs drafted and that goes for these two gentlemen as well. They could be very good NFL players but as of now I do not really love the picks. 

I've gone back and forth on Isaiah Wynn. Yes the Patriots desperate needed a LT to replace Nate Solder, but taking a 6 foot 2 tackle kind of worries me. There's shallow ass IG girls who won't date 6'2" dudes because they're not "tall enough" and we're supposed to expect basically a midget to protect TB12?

 I found out today Matt Light was only 6'2" which I guess makes it a little easier to deal with, but it still worries me. It doesn't seem that long ago but that was a different era. This dude to me just seems a little undersized. Idk he could be a freak but those were just my immediate reactions. At least in this situation they addressed a vital need. Wynn was 2nd team All-American this year which is kind of promising, although there are guys who make 1st team that don't even play a single NFL down. Looking at you Michael Sam.

The pick that blew my fucking mind was Sony Michel. Immediately when I read that name it reminded me of  the only scene I remember from Pee Wee's playhouse when he was reading a letter from a boy in France that said "Hello, my name is Michelle and I am a boy". That made ... let's call him 9 year old dozo laugh for a half hour.  So simple yet so funny, yet another joke that would never be allowed in 2018. Absolute shame I can't find that clip on youtube.

​What is an even bigger shame is that the Patriots drafted a running back 31st overall when running back was literally the last position this team needed to address. This kid put up good numbers but from what I've read has serious injury and fumbling concerns, which for a running back exactly what you're hoping for!!! ... I just think there are so many more pressing issues on this team over running back. Including every position on a defense that allowed the 29th most yard in the NFL. I'm cool with taking a flyer on an RB late but given that guys like Josh Jackson, and Harold Landry were available I was really hoping they'd address the defensive side of the ball. This team has two legit options out of the backfield in James White and Rex Burkhead. I know they lost Dion Lewis, but with Jeremy Hill, Bolden, and Gillislee I feel like they could've found a way to make the backfield work. Plus you have this guy named Tom Brady so it's not like you need to run the ball 30 times a game. The one thing I do like about this is how they were college teammates and as a former offensive linemen at the Rhode Island division III high school level, let me tell you there's nothing like blocking for a back you love. I really hope I'm wrong and this guy becomes a Hall of Famer and ends up holding petty ass grudges like JJ Watt against all those who doubted him.

Song: J. Roddy Walston & The Business
Artist: The Wanting
​Album: Destroyers of the Soft Life

The first round of the NFL draft is tomorrow night at AT&T Stadium. I can't remember how long the "new" format of the NFL draft has been a thing, but I am a muuuuch bigger fan of the old format. To me the new version is wayyyy too dragged out. It's like the NBA draft lottery on steroids. But at least ESPN only wastes a half hour of your time doing something that could take 48 seconds.

The NFL draft just doesn't need to take 3 fucking days. Plain and simple. I love football but do not need three full days of draft coverage. I don't want to have to stay in on a Friday night to watch the 2nd and 3rd rounds and pretend like I know who the fuck half these dudes are. What happened to the good ole days where you could just spend 8 hours on a Saturday watching the draft with your buddies instead of having a life?  I yearn for those days.

Even though I hate how prolonged the draft is, of course I'm going to watch. It's football (sorta) and I love football. I'm actually v excited to see what the Patriots do. For the first time since 2012 the Patriots have multiple first round picks. That worked out pretty well. They drafted Chandler Jones and Dont'a Hightower 21st and 25th respectively.

Both were huge parts of the Super Bowl XLIX team, and Dont'a Hightower made one of the biggest defensive plays in team history during the 28-3 comeback in Super Bowl LI. 

Both were great picks, even if Chandler Jones and his barefoot fake weed ass is playing in the desert now.

After nearly 20 years of being a Pats fan I've learned that you're better off not trying to predict what the Patriots are going to do from a personal stand point because Belichick doesn't give a fuck about your 16.3 mock draft. This man once took Tavon Wilson in the 2nd round when he wasn't even expected to be drafted. He almost exclusively shops at Rutgers for talent. Belichick has gotten rid of more guys in their prime than Menudo.

While I know the odds of anybody important at 1 Patriot Place reading this are about the same as Larry David becoming President I felt it was important to voice how a lot of Patriot fans feel:

Do not use these first round picks to move up and draft a QB.

Tbh I don't want the Patriots to use a first round pick on a QB at all. Unless you can get Baker Mayfield (the only guy I truly believe in) at 23 I think they need to avoid a QB altogether.

I know we are getting close to the end of the Tom Brady era but I didn't hear no bell yet. He's still here so let's go all out in trying to win another Super Bowl(s).

Despite being the defending AFC champs this roster needs some serious TLC and I ain't 2 proud to beg for them to be smart and reload instead of worrying about the heir-apparent to Tom Brady. I don't buy into the learn under Brady stuff that much. It helps for sure, but it's not like having Tom Brady start over you for two seasons is going to turn you from Tim Tebow to Drew Brees passing the ball. Jimmy G is good because he's talented, obviously Brady being around helps to a certain extent, but I think we need to give Jimmy the credit he deserves for how talented he is. You know that Brian Hoyer "learned" under Brady too, right? Matt Cassel had one great year (with the rest of a team who went 16-0) after being Brady's understudy for 3 seasons. Bottom line nobody is picking Brian Hoyer to win them a football game. In Hoyer's one career playoff start he got shut out at home by the Kansas City Chiefs. You know, that team who has one playoff win in the last 25 years?

It'd be one thing if there was a true can't miss QB in this draft, but IMO there isn't. I don't believe in hype on the Pac-12 guys. Josh Allen seems like a cool guy but I think he's going to be a bust. I know you're racist for thinking it, but Lamar Jackson is not an accurate passer, especially against good competition. I'd much rather see this team try to go after it's many glaring needs in the draft instead of hoping to strike gold finding the next Tom Brady. (they already did and traded him to San Francisco for 2nd round pick)

I know Brady's going to be 41 this season, but Tom Brady nearly single handedly won this team a Super Bowl in 2017. He was the league MVP and as long as he keeps getting rubbed down by Alex Guerrero and making out with his son I think he can still play at an elite level. There are just way more glaring needs on this team than the successor to TB12. Why waste first round money on a guy who isn't gonna play for at least two seasons? Drafting a QB to take over for Brady in the first round this year would be like using your rent check on a security deposit on another apartment when you still have 10 months on your lease. It makes no sense, you already have a place to stay. 

​There are more holes on this defense than Edward James Olmos' face. 

Pretty much the entire front 7 except Dont'a Hightower and Trey Flowers sucks. They could sack a bag of potatoes. They need a corner to replace Malcolm Butler, a new left tackle since Nate Solder signed with the Giants like a coward. They still have James White and Rex Burkhead, but they need to find a way to make up for Dion Lewis' productivity out of the backfield. Brandon Cooks and Danny Amendola are gone. They need a Gronk insurance policy. Bottom line there are much more glaring needs than a young 1st round quarterback. Plus since it's the Patriots, if they want to move up in the draft I bet teams will be asking for a kings ransom, they're gonna have to pay a buck fifty on the dollar. Nobody is going to want to like "sure let's help the Patriots potentially find the next QB that is going to kick our ass for a decade". 

If anything the last three non-Patriot Super Bowl winners have shown that you don't need an elite QB to win a Super Bowl. They all were carried by defenses (even though the Eagles defense gave up a Super Bowl record for yards, they still were one of the best all season, which again just shows how great Tom Brady still is). The legion of Boom and the Seahawks defense is why the Seahawks won Super Bowl XLVIII, not Russell Wilson. Peyton Manning was basically a cadaver for the 2015 Broncos, and Nick Foles, while he lit up a horrible Patriots defense in this year's Super Bowl, he's fucking Nick Foles and not starting this season. I wouldn't be shocked if he never started another playoff game.

The odds of finding the next star QB in this draft (at least early) are slim AF, if Brady gets hurt you're done no matter what so you might as well try to build the best team around him as you can possible for the next 2-4 years before he finally retires. Use the picks to get a LT and some pass rush, or a DB,I don't care what it is, trade back and get more capital. Just don't waste a 1st round pick on a QB who isn't gonna play for two years when you could drastically improve the team on the field this year in hopes for a 3rd title in 5 seasons.

Song: Still Into You
Artist: Paramore
​Album: Paramore

Tbh I really never bought into the "Gronk is going to retire" hype this off season. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't completely ruling it out, but I figured there was like a 15% he'd retire. To me it felt more like a bargaining chip to get more money than him wanting to retire from the NFL. The hashtag makes me wonder if he got some sort of raise or contract extension. Although I do truly believe both him and Brady (I'm sure along with many other guys on the team) are still pissed at Belichick over the Malcolm Butler situation, and could be acting out because of that). Whatever the case may be I'm glad that this nonsense can finally be put to bed. I don't care about any of the off the field shit, all I want is for the Patriots to win so my life and identity have some sort of meaning.

Now we just have to worry about Belichick trading him....

I thought the reaction to his "I'm definitely going to look at my future" comments after a devastating Super Bowl loss [despite a monster effort from him (9 receptions for 116 yards and 2 touchdowns)] were sort of taken out of context. 

Of course he's gonna reevaulate his options after the season. I feel like most athletes do that.

At the same time, his actions the last few months did cause my personal panic meter to elevate past "this isn't a big deal" to "maybe somethings up".

If Gronk wanted to retire because of health issues it would fucking suck as a Patriots fan, but I mean you'd understand it. I'd respect that move as much as it would kill me inside. He's missed I believe 25 games due to injury in his career (excluding playoffs). He's had major back, arm, and leg issues. At 28 years old many already consider him the greatest tight end of all time, plus with two rings it's not like he's still chasing a ring like David West.  He's made a fair amount of money. I'd understand wanting to have a better quality of life post-football to enjoy the fruits of his labor.

What would've pissed me off is if he retired just to wrestle and make shitty action movies with The Rock (congrats on the pebble). Fuck that dude, you're the best tight end of all time. Add to your legacy and win a couple more rings before Brady starts going full Tony Robbins with the TB12 method. Do that when you're 35. They're gonna suck whenever you make them (have you seen his Dunkin commercials with Big Papi?) might as well wait. If I was Gronk I would hang around in New England until Brady retired, then decide if it's time to hang up the cleats or move to another organization.

As for now Gronk is back for the 2018 season. Brady is too. To quote Tom himself:

​ "LET'S GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!"

Now @patriots please draft some defensive help and a LT and worry about a QB later. Win another ring with this core before father time catches up to TB12/Belichick mysteriously benches another star in the Super Bowl.

I was driving home today from work and saw on one of the overhead digital signs on the highway with the message  "Handheld cell phone usage laws go into effect on June 1st". Which means we (I) only have 37 more days to send snaps of singing while driving before it results in a $100 ticket. Jk I don't do those anymore because I got fat and don't wanna post my ugly mug on snappy.

Any-who, you know the signs I'm talking about, the ones that are basically beepers. They just relay messages to drivers. (which ironically is not very safe!)

At first they were a good idea, they be used to make people aware of traffic, accidents, or god-forbid an Amber Alert. But now they usually are some shitty pun, play on words, or poor attempt at humor. 

I reaaaaaaally wish there were better examples of them on google, because some of these signs are ridiculous.  They do more harm than good because you end up getting distracted for 5 minutes trying to figure out wtf the DOT is talking about. 

​Back to my main point, this law...it's fucking stupid. 

Seriously, refer to the tweet. How can cigarettes be legal, which not only kill their users but also people who don't even smoke them (2nd hand smoke ever heard of it?) but phone usage is no bueno? This law pisses me off so much, I know this isn't exactly the most groundbreaking news, as we've known for about a year since Gina "drop in the bucket" Raimondo passed the law last summer, but still, that sign reminding just got me fired up. With the new law going into effect on June 1st there are only a few more weeks where Rhode Islanders can legally hold their cell phone while driving. Then we're gonna be just little more like Connecticut,,, gross. 

Not to go full Ron Swanson libertarian on you, but this is some serious overuse of power. I pay the taxes that in theory help repair the roads, I say in theory because there are more potholes in Rhode Island than Dunkin Donuts. As someone who pays for these roads I should be able to use phone on them if I so do please. I bought them.

I agree that we need to make the roads safer and people probably shouldn't be texting while driving, but this is just your classic case of overkill. Like when one little bad pair of shoes changed the flying experience for everybody. Don't let a few bad apples spoil the whole bunch I always say. I know a few other states have already passed this law but idc about them, I'm talking about Rhody. Just because some dumb ass 17 year olds suck at texting and driving doesn't mean you have to ruin it for the rest of us! I'm nasty (the good type) at texting and driving. It's really not that hard. You don't even need to look at your phone. I've had an iPhone since 2011 (nbd) and I've never been in an accident because of it.

​I can hold my phone while driving to make a call too and be completely fine. Some say I'm gifted, in which case I'd have to agree. I can totally pay attention to the road while not paying attention to whatever my parents are saying, as they are the only people who ever call me. To me this more of a money grab than actually caring about safety. People are addicted to their phones, I know I am. Most people hold their phones while driving and this is just a way for Rhode Island to cash in on people's habits. I'm predicting massive amounts of tickets this summer from this law. Quite a hot take, I know.

You shouldn't text and drive, but sending a quick tweet, or googling a random thought about what number Poison by Bell Biv DeVoe peaked at on the Hot 100 should be totally cool imo. Especially if the roads are clear, or you're stuck in traffic. We've all been there, we're all human. 

Because if this is truly about safety, if you're gonna outlaw phone usage to make people less distracted while driving then you might as well go all in and make all distractions illegal. I'm talking eating while driving illegal, or holding a fucking dog while driving.

Idk about you, but I am waaaaay more distracted eating a Chipotle burrito than I am when I use my phone. Once you get to the final third of the burrito (which for me is after about 7 bites)  it's a war against gravity and shitty burrito rollers. Seriously, it's your fucking job to roll a burrito, have some pride your job one time and do a good job. Every bite is a gamble, it's like they're made of damp papier-mâché, they fall apart like Post Malone. I'm way more distracted trying to hold my burrito at the perfect angle to avoid getting hot salsa and black beans on my shirt while driving than I am when I pound the 15 second fast forward button 5 times during ad-reads on Pardon My Take. Bottom line, how about a little consistency when deciding what is and isn't  considered a crime while driving? After all I paid for those roads.


P.S.

Poison by Bel Biv DeVoe peaked at #3 on the Hot 100 in 1990 but ended up as the #4 song of the year!

Yeah, I don't care either.

Song: ATM
Artist: J. Cole
Album: KOD


This video reminds me a lot of the Tom Petty "Don't Come Around Here No More" video (big s/o to me for knowing that video) with all the weird close angles that I don't know how to properly describe because I didn't pay attention during film as text class my junior year of high school.

I was recently tagged in the comments of a video on facebook. If that's never happened to you, what that means is a friend of yours thinks you should watch a video. I rarely ever do when tagged in them, but since this was the Top 10 Pop Punk Choruses of the 21st century it caught my eye. After Boston sports, and hating myself there is nothing I love more in life than pop punk. It brings me back to a simpler time in life (middle school) and is just genuinely good music that over 15 years later in some cases (time is gross) I still enjoy.  I'm an alt-rock guy to the death, and pop punk is probably my favorite subdivision of the alt-rock subdivision. I wish this was a little more timely of a post since the video I'm about to share is from the summer of 2017, but honestly Pop Punk is always relevant, plus my friend tagged me in the comments of this video last week so I didn't know existed until then.

The list:

10. "In Too Deep"- Sum 41
9. "Flavor of the Weak"- American Hi-Fi
8. "Dirty Little Secret" - All-American Rejects
7. "Rock Show" Blink 182
6. "Fat Lip"- Sum 41
5. "Sk8r Boi"- Avril Lavigne
4. "Sugar, We're Going Down Swinging" - Fall Out Boy
3. "Helena"- My Chemical Romance
2. "Ocean Avenue" - Yellowcard
1. "The Middle" - Jimmy Eat World

In fairness, I think it's important to say this isn't a top 10 best pop punk songs, it's top 10 best pop punk choruses, which I guess is a little different, because some songs verses are better than the actual chorus. I mean Taking Back Sunday's (not the last you'll be hearing from them on this blog) "You're So Last Summer" doesn't have a truly memorable chorus, but it does have one of the best lines in pop punk/emo history.

"the truth
is you could slit my throat
And with my one last gasping breath
I'd apologize for bleeding on your shirt"

But I think we can all agree that the chorus can be make or break in a song; It's what people who don't know the title of a song type into google to find out what it's called. Especially in pop-punk where the focus of the music was being more radio-friendly and easy to sing along to, while also rocking.
​
I'm not gonna say every song was unworthy because that's not true. Both Sum 41 songs are staples of early 2000's pop punk. Fat Lip is probably a top 5 most famous song of the era. I listen to Yellowcard nearly weekly, and of course as a pop punk adult-kid Blink-182 is one of my favorite bands of all time. But Helena which isn't even really Pop Punk in the top 3 is laughable, The Middle is a good song, but I bet even Jimmy Eat World themselves would agree it doesn't belong at the top of this list. To prove I can make a better list than Spin and Billboard I am going to give you a list of 10 completely different songs even though I'd agree that a few of theirs are truly worthy. 

Here are the DOL Top 10 Pop Punk Choruses of the 2000's.

10. "Misery Business" - Paramore

I feel like Paramore is more just poppy alternative than pop punk, but idc I'm including this because of how classic the chorus is. To me Misery Business is pop punk, and since I'm making this list that's good enough for me. Everybody loved this song when it came out. It was groundbreaking. Although 2007ish was kind of the beginning of the end for pop punk imo.


P.S. I'm in love with Hayley Williams.

9. "Best of Me" The Starting Line

The Starting Line aren't exactly a household pop punk name like Blink-182, but this song is textbook pop punk because it's all about a girl, being young, and also kind of being a pussy. Yelling that "TELL ME WHAT YOU THOUGHT ABOUT" gets me fucking amped. I low key listen to this song every time I go to the gym. This song is super-singalong-able. 

8. "Jude Law and A Semester Abroad" - Brand New

Tell all the English boys you meet that this is one of the best pop punk songs and choruses of all time. A little more punk than pop compared to the other songs on this list. Heavy drums, lyrics v relatable to the era,,, more girl drama. A true classic.

7. "I'd Do Anything" - Simple Plan

Say what you want about Simple Plan. Sure they're Canadian and their lead singers name is Pierre, but their debut album was chock full o'pop punk hits.  All time classic. They were all over MTV and TRL when Pop Punk was big in the early 2000's. None were quite as big as their first hit "I'd Do Anything". I have loved this song for over half my life which is kind of scary to think about. Bonus points for an appearance from pop punk God, Mark Hoppus. I feel like I'm going to say this a lot, but the key to a great chorus is the singalong factor, and this song is singable AF. 

6. "Swing Swing" - All-American Rejects

A million times better of a pick than Dirty Little Secrets, although that song did have a fantastic music video with all the post secrets. This is just way more pop punk and a way better chorus/overall song. What makes this song is all the emphasis in the chorus. Away, away, awaaaaaaaaaaayyyyy. Oh wow another song about girls and heartbreak.

5. "I Write Sins Not Tragedies" - Panic! At The Disco

Again, kind of flirting with the pop punk line. Just too important of a song and chorus to not include. Kind of lame that there's no unedited version of the video on youtube. A Fever That You Can't Sweat out is one of my 10 favorite albums of this 2000's. 

4. "I'm Not Okay (I Promise)" - My Chemical Romance

Emo but also definitly falls under the pop punk umbrella. Sometimes you don't need to be crazy creative to have a great chorus. 

3. "Lifestyles of the Rich and the Famous" - Good Charlotte

I wanted to do just one song per band, otherwise this list would've had about 7 fewer artists included. Their 2002 album "The Young and the Hopeless" produced three songs that could be worthy of this list, all great pop punk choruses. I'm choosing to go with Lifestyles of the Rich and the Famous because it's my favorite song off that album, and the video doesn't hurt it's cause either s/o Chris Kirkpatrick. It blows my mind that Cameron Diaz is married to fucking Benji Madden.

2. "Cute Without the E (cut from the team)" - Taking Back Sunday

For my money one of the best emo/pop punk/alt/ just overall songs of all time. I fucking love Taking Back Sunday. Seeing them in 2012 was an absolute bucket list moment for middle school dozo. Tell All Your Friends and Where You Want To Be are must listen to albums for anybody who considers themselves a pop punk fan.

1. "My Friends Over You" - New Found Glory

Just maybe ya need this. The original bros before hoes anthem, nice to see the shoe on the other foot for a change. My Friends Over You is the greatest pop punk chorus of all time. IMO it's the best pop punk song of all time. It's got all the elements to great pop punk song. Catchy lyrics, solid beat, and great guitars. This genuinely one of my favorite songs of all time and if you know my taste in music you knew this was going to be number one. It's funny because for as much as I love this song by New Found Glory I only know maaaybe 5 other songs by them. Doesn't matter, this list isn't about those songs, it's about this being the best pop punk chorus (excluding songs from the original questionable list)

I need to get a haircut. I know I do.  It's kind of in an awkward stage right now. I want long hair again, but  like leaving Nashville, and getting fat again, cutting my hair was a mistake.  I'm trying to grow it back, but I need a little shape up to give my shit some style/look a little more presentable at work.  Since I've only gotten 3 haircuts in the last 2 and a half years, and been disappointed after 2 of them, I don't have a reliable hairdresser to call my own (recommendations welcome!).

The last haircut I got was kind of a hack job,  one side is like an inch and a half longer than the other. It's not a great look. Because of this I am kind of nervous to get a haircut. I don't care about much in life, but one thing I do care about is my hair. It's all I have. I don't trust new people. I don't want it to get more fucked up. So in the meantime, I decided to get a new Red Sox hat to cover up this issue.

I've been meaning to get a new Sox hat anyways, but finding an 8 is not an easy task. Last three places I checked did not have any.  I'm a fat bastard (diet started yesterday!), but I could lose 100 pounds (again) and my head would still be gigantic. Finding a size 8 hat is like finding a XL shirt at H&M. I decided to go to the Warwick Mall to get my hat. It's not exactly like finding a needle in a haystack, it's more like finding a quarter in a haystack. Luckily, the hat koisk at the Warwick Mall had a size 8. Mission Accomplished!

On my way out I walked by the food court because that's where I parked since I'm v familiar with the layout of the Warwick Mall and knew the hat kiosk is almost immediately outside of the food court. Yeah, I got in line at Panda Express, but quickly exited the line because diet started yesterday. Yes, I know very strong of me, but please hold applause until the end of this blog. When I got out of line, after literally and figuratively patting myself on the back I came across something you rarely see in the wild anymore, and no sadly I'm not talking about White Rhinos, I'm talking Aaron Hernandez jerseys.

Not only did I take that picture without being noticed by using the fool-proof "pretending to facetime" tactic, but I was so surprised that I saw this jersey that I shared it on two (2) different social media platforms.

Seeing the Hernandez jersey got the wheels in my head spinning. When (if ever) is it okay to wear an Aaron Hernandez jersey? As a Patriot and Tebow-era Florida Gators fan I feel as if I am an expert in this topic.  

Here are the five situations in life where it's okay to wear an Aaron Herandez jersey. I now present you:

​
5 Everyday Situations You Can Wear an Aaron Hernandez jersey:



1. Performing stand-up in Boston.

I can't believe this is the best quality photo anybody got of Daniel Tosh wearing a Hernandez jersey at a show in Boston. You'd think this was taken in 2005 not 2015, which would make little to no sense since Hernandez was a junior in High School in 05 but this photo is in fact less than three years old despite having some daguerreotype quality. As Dolphins fan (no wonder why he's depressed) this was a troll move, very on par for his comedy. No issues here.

2. Ironically

You can get away with anything if you say you're doing it ironically. (don't quote me on that)

3. If You Are Also A Murderer

It's like how jeep people always honk at each other, or how Jewish people will chose a Jewish business over one run by gentiles. You gotta support your own kind. 

4. Halloween

You can be anything on Halloween without negative repercussions. (again, do not quote me on that)

5. Whenever You Want

I bet you thought I was gonna end this with "never". Well, I almost did but then the snowflake on my nose melted and I remembered that I live in America and for the time being freedom of speech still exists. While Bob Kraft did his best to eliminate all Aaron Hernandez jerseys in 2012, there are still plenty circulating the streets. If you want to wear an Aaron Hernandez jersey you legally can do that, but just know you're gonna get some serious looks. Plus enough time hasn't passed yet. People (me) make 9/11 jokes all the time so time really does heal all wounds (unless you're Odin Lloyd) but for now you're gonna look like a fucking ass hole who is pro murder (and also suicide technically) if you're wearing a Hernandez jersey outdoors and are probably going to have fake bloggers write about you in their spare time.