Threeish years ago, before moving to Nashville for less time than it takes to preheat an oven; I went to a Bob’s Store with my mom to get some new gear before the move.
I got these Vans flip flops that I fell for quicker than a Ramones song. They were only like $30 and had a little Rasta vibe on the thong part that I dug. I’ve worn them so much since August of 2017 that the right one has spots that are thinner than prosciutto.
Tbh I didn’t really see the problem. I love these flops and the left one is still in perfect condition. You can’t even see the ground completely through them yet so what’s the big deal? They’ve simply evolved over time to perfectly fit my size 12 feet. Now you want me to move on? Right when they fit like a glove; are you kidding me? Typical American waste culture!
Sure, you can clearly make out the number 20 from how worn down they are, but what does that even mean? Maybe it’s for “you still have 20 years left in these bro, don’t sweat it.”
Since my mom was in town for a few days last week and we needed something to do, she was able to convince me it was time to go get a some new flops. I’ve been working like crazy (hence the lack of blogs in July) and deserve it.
After hitting up a few stores that had nothing worthy of protecting the bottoms of my feet I was like “why don’t we just go to a surf shop?”
Going to high school in a beach town in the fucking ocean state exposed ya boi to a lot of surf culture; even though I myself was not a ripple rider. I have nothing against the surfing community except the exorbitant prices of their clothes and gear. It is fucking expensive AF to be a poser, bro.
Now I totally get how cool bells and whistles can be; I loved Inspector Gadget as a kid. I own a leather man (nbd) and am well aware of how much easier smartphones have made life (minus every action you make being constantly tracked).
Enter scene Reef Sandals. They were cooler than Miles Davis during my HS years. Idk exactly when, but sometime when HD-DVDS were still a thing the bottle opener sandals became a must have item. Of course I wanted a pair to be cool and have a stealth bottle opener for all the underage drinking I partook in, but I gotta tell you a decade and pandemic later can really change your perspective. I don’t get how these are still a thing. What’s next? A water bottle-wallet? Suppository sunscreen?
Yeah those boots in Wild Wild West with a built in knife were sick too, but the vast majority of the time you’re never gonna need that. Sometimes you don’t need that feature the man is trying to up sell you. If the big C has taught us anything, it’s that germs can kill and that it’s vital to be smart with money. Do you know what is covered in germs and remnants of literally everything you’ve stepped on?
The bottom of your flip flip.
Do you know what is covered in germs and remnants of literally everything you’ve stepped on AND is anywhere from $16-$24 more than a regular pair of flip flops despite having less cushion for your feet?
The bottom of your Reef Bottle Opener Flip Flop.
I’m not a patent office so I’m not sure if other brands have figured out this groundbreaking technology of stabbing a piece of metal into rubber, but I’ve only ever seen Reef make this product.
I know this isn’t exactly the most earth shattering take to put on the internet, but after being in the flip flop market for the first time in years and the first pandemic of my life (I think??) I was reminded that these fuck boi red flags still exist. I had to let the millions of people who don’t read this blog that DOL is officially-anti bottle opener in flip flops. Sure the first time you saw it in 2008 was cool, but that was a DOZEN years ago. Know what’s cool? Having a bottle opener on your keychain like a fucking adult and not having to open a beer with your smelly ass shoe. Imagine in three years when Covid is over that some bro offers you his flip flop to open up a Sam Summer. Are you accepting?
I haven’t watched much baseball since its return a few days ago. Ya boi is metaphorically living on the roads and literally too heartbroken over the Mookie situation to watch America’s Pastime. (As I wrote this blog on my phone with my molasses-top open in front of me of course this popped up on my shuffle screensaver. Am I really gonna have to delete everything like a break up because seeing this makes me want to cry)
I really do love the game. There’s so many great things about it. Admittedly, part of me hates that I’m letting the awful things get the best of me. But you didn’t click for that; nobody wants to hear that shit rn and I sure as heck don’t want to get all sad going down that path about what trading Mookie Betts truly represents. I want to be happy before I go to bed in three hours, so back to the incident that originally made my inner J.D. voice be like “yo Dozie, just because your laptop is trying to destroy your dreams doesn’t mean you can’t blog on your phone about how fucking awesome Joe Kelly is.”
I could’ve sworn I wrote a blog called “Joe Kelly is a Rockstar” after he won the hearts of Red Sox fans in 2018 season when he hit some no -name Yankee catcher who actually two first names; Tyler Austin. Hence the title. I was going to link it here too. I had the whole blog mapped in my clouded mind. Now I’m in a real pickle as I cannot find that in the archives and already have this as my title because I had to create a new blog in my browser in order to edit it on the much easier to use weebly app. (It makes ZERO sense why you can’t start a post from the app).
Any who, nearly all the baseball I’ve seen in 2020 has been via twitter and boy oh boy did baseball twitter have its first big moment of 2020 when Joe Kelly did this.
It was fucking awesome. That pout. Instant meme! I can’t lie, it made me miss baseball and baseball twitter like crazy. Looks like I still got it thoooo; peep those like numbers.
What’s wrong with baseball is Joe Kelly’s lack of control and abundance of heart, humor and hubris costing him over 13% of the season. Come on, Manfred. Are you actively trying to be the worst commish since Landis?
I haven’t said this in a blog in a minute; mainly because I’ve matured and evolved at how I look at things (nbd), but you want to talk about soft?Suspending someone 8 games for mocking CHEATERS and giving baseball attention it desperately needs right now is asinine and incredibly soft. Protect the bad guys, and punish the good. Where else have I heard that before?
The dude didn’t actually hit anybody and wasn’t even ejected from the game. That’s worth 8 games?!!? What are we doin? We need to be thinking on a Covid scale. If anything, his “offense” is worth nothing more than a few innings.
“Joe Kelly is not allowed to open any games for like a week.”
Now that would be fair!
Unless, that ridiculous of a suspension was intentional to get people riled up and talking about it more; especially with Joe Kelly appealing, but I don’t think MLB is smart enough to do that. I think it’s more about being embarrassed and just wanting the Astros shit to go away. Making an example of someone who is definitely not on drugs seems to be targeting a free thinking, free spirit.
I thought the C word might be a blessing in disguise for the Astros, but it looks like a pandemic (and likely a lot of edibles) didn’t cause Joe Kelly to forget that the Stros hit like .709 as a team in games 1 and 2 of the 2017 ALDS in Houston. Not so fun fact; Joe Kelly won the Red Sox lone victory in that series. Meanwhile the Astros were banging on a trash can like Doug & The Beets en route to a World Series title.
How did Joe Kelly respond to his suspension? (This is the entire reason I wrote this blog)
I fucking LOVE IT. Joe Kelly, I still love you. I am all for this new era of player empowerment. It may only last a few more days since the Marlins are about to get this shit shut down like Taffer in a Tucson rodeo themed bar with a broken ice machine, but alas, I am here for it as long as it lasts. NBA comes back (technically today) next. I love the players being able to put messages on their jerseys. Wish they could put whatever they want, but gotta walk before you march I suppose.
The hashtags are awesome. Even though this account isn’t verified; I’m pretty sure it’s him. (Editors Note: it’s not; but let’s pretend). If it’s not I’ve already gone too deep and this is incredibly awesome photo that needs to be shared by the loyal DOL readers. I hate the Astros and do not need to go full butterfly effect of how the 2017 postseason may have gone differently if they weren’t cheating at home. Maybe Mo..okay goodnight!
I hate that I’ve written like 6 blogs since I got back on the roads, but daddie dozo’s gotta get the bread while it’s out there. Hope I don’t have Covid, but at least if I do and get that early check out I won’t have to keep seeing God Damn picture of Mookie pop up.
Like Mookie, Joe looked much better in red! (R.I.P. Doc & to a much lesser extend the XFL)
I loveeee this meme.
Talk about awful news to wake up at the crack of 11 am.
Yo straight up this has me so fired up and idc if I sound like a crazy person or poor writer (I’ve got hundreds of blogs that say the contrary). The Mookie Betts saga was put a wedge in my Red Sox fandom that may never be removed. Baseball comes back tomorrow and I couldn’t care less. This entire ordeal has me feeling like a loving wife who finally had enough and left; even if she deep down still has feelings for him.
The reason this pisses me off so much is because it’s such a slap in the face to “Red Sox Nation” (the lamest shit ever btw).
I wrote this back in February and despite a pandemic and new Civil Rights revolution taking the front seat (and deservingly so) it’s still relevant AF.
When it comes to the Mookie Betts saga in Boston you have a few camps. There’s the idiot fans who support the Red Sox no matter what. They say “if Mookie turned down 10 years $300 million then fuck him! HE’S THE ONE BEING GREEDY!”
Even though his baseball reference says otherwise.
Some may try to change the narrative to make you feel sympathetic to the poor ole Boston Red Sox who have more money than God.
This is what we all must remember.
I have lived and died with this team for over 15 years. I’ve forgotten more about the Red Sox than most people will ever know. I’ve spent thousands of dollars on tickets and memorabilia over the years. The high costs of the Fenway experience has always been justified with the Red Sox having one of the highest payrolls in baseball. They spend. The sad thing is they have no fucking idea how to spend.
Don’t even get me started on Nathan Eovaldi. Textbook using heart over head contract after what he did in the postseason.
Mookie Betts is a generational talent. Plain and simple. The Red Sox could’ve made this work, but know the fanbase is full of loyal idiots who put up with anything. Maybe I’m overreacting? I call it passion. I love(d) the Boston Red Sox and I feel betrayed. Maybe you don’t care and that’s cool, but I do. I may be only one person, but I’m using the small ass platform I have to say fuck the Red Sox and fuck John Henry. They could’ve made this work, but chose not to. Plain and simple. I don’t give a FUCK about the luxury tax. Maybe if there was more backlash something could’ve been done. Holding on to the pipe dream that Mookie would come back after getting traded to LA is laughable. Go let your girlfriend fuck Bradley Cooper for 4 months and see if she comes back. I’m done, I’m hurt, I’m annoyed. Go Celtics (until they trade Tatum).
Apparently, Taco Bell is drastically altering its menu. It’s kind of a bummer, TBH. I saw this picture on Twitter so you know it’s real; despite the horrifying source.
Gone are Beefy Frito Burritos, Loader Grillers and BOTH POTATO ITEMS???
I have a love-hate relationship with Taco Bell. I love the food, but hate how it makes me feel; both physically and emotionally. I once said something along the lines of “Taco Bell makes my toilet look a Jackson Pollock” four years ago on DOL, but Joe Mande tells the same dick pic story in two straight comedy specials, so we can let this slide.
During quarantine (and also the last 28 years) I’ve been a huge fan of the Bell. I own a Taco Bell t shirt.. Shh. As a broke boi those $1 double stacked tacos were a life saver/shortener for a week straight back when I was teaching since there was a Bell about 5 minutes down the road. This may have directly led to the substitute’s bathroom dilemma.
I think it’s really important to have all the facts while writing and putting stuff out into the interweb, so thanks to Reddit we can confirm these changes will happen.
I know the menu changes all the time. I get that the folks who Live Más have a business to run and all that blah, blah bs I don’t care about. The internet and food don’t care about no logic or logistics. We need something to pissed about and this is it like Huey Lewis! Do I care that it’s probably a waste of valuable kitchen space to store some hash browns with a hint of Mexican spices to throw in a fryolator for two menu items? Of course not. I just want to be able to get a few Cheesy Potato Loader Grillers and be on bathroom arrest for a few hours like a FREE American, okay? I guess big they was right when they said life would never be the same post Corona. First they killed our Grillers, amirite? May Angels Lead You In.
Thundercat is one of the smoothest, coolest, most respected artists currently in the music game. Seriously, everyone loves this dude.
He’s worked with everybody; rap, rock, soul, Michael McDonald, jazz, punk, pop..doesn’t matter. I’m 98% sure he’s the dude leaving the voicemail in HAIM’s “3 AM”.
What I (and many, many more people) love about Thundercat (apart from his bodacious basslines) is his uniqueness and sense of humor. Friendzone is a fucking anthem. This dude is singing about tacos and Mortal Kombat while dressing like a fucking Viking. I think it’s safe to say this dude partakes in smoking broccoli for fun, even if this tweet that I’m pretty sure is a joke says the contrary.
While he may slap the bass there’s no denying Thundercat marches to the beat of his own drum (insert 3 corn emojis here). Sorry to anybody who cries about playful stereotyping, but when I saw this last night my jaw dropped.
You’re telling me it took over 35 years of life for a man who has made millions singing about classic video games and his dragonball Z durag to eat a fruit roll up??? What’s next Thundercat? You’ve never been to Taco Bell?
How is this possible? It took 12,688 days of life for Thundercat to eat a fruit roll up.
Everybody knows I’m a picky eater. I’m sure people would be appalled to know I haven’t eaten a pear since the 90’s, but this shit just blew my mind and I’m even biased against fruit roll ups. I lean HEAVY towards chocolate on the chewy/gummy to chocolate candy/snacks
spectrum, so it’s not like I stay crushing fruit roll ups. I probably haven’t had one in 5 years. Idk how else to say it but Thundercat seems like a dude who would love fruit roll ups. Have you ever listened to his music? What’s next? Luke Bryan hasn’t drank beer? I just don’t see a world where someone has spent Malcolm Gladwell time playing video games and chillen with stoners never ONCE came across a roll up. All those late nights in the studio? Nobody had some laying around? Like I said, he’s worked with everybody. Men, women, black, white, alive, dead...NOBODY had a fruit roll up? It does not compute.
As you would assume, Thundercat made up for 12,688 days of life without consuming processed sugar, dyed and flattened into a paper-like substance.
I hope you feel better, Stephen.
Much like the “Show You the Way” video; this story has a happy ending (someone teach me photoshop for the love of God)
Yesterday while ubin I was playing my Top 210 and then some of the 2010's playlist. "UGH" by The 1975 came on and some chick in the backseat goes "do you like The 1975?"
I was having a v shitty day, getting in my own head about literally everything (yay anxiety!), wishing I knew where tf my Ray Bans were so I could use them to hide tears lolol. I easily could've lashed out and been a smart ass, low key dick (I'm a 4.90 I can afford it) and said something like ... "ummm, obviously why else would I play them in my Top 210 and then some of the 2010's list?" but I didn't; hashtag good guy. Instead I was like "omggg, I loveeeeeeeee the 1975; they're one of my favorite bands." As we continued to talk music and our favorite artists, of course Tame Impala came up.
Seamless transition alert
Today on my recharge day I was doing one of my favorite activities; playing video games while watching something on my laptop because you can never spend too much time in front of screens. I've been doing it for at least five years (used to be with my iPad R.I.P.) to keep the ole noodle super stimulated/there's only so many hours in the day. I was playing 2K the entire time I rewatched Scrubs. Currently debating whether or not I'm going to subject myself to the 9th season again.
While kicking the shit out of the computer on pro, I came across an acoustic version of Tame Impala's "On Track". Tame Impala acoustic????? That's like an acoustic computer, but damnit if this isn't fantastic.
Tame's sound is anything, but stripped down. So it's super cool to get something like this from Kevin Parker. I'm still not convinced there's isn't some sort of effect on his voice, but this is still unlike anything else he's put out in the last 10 years according to 20 seconds of youtube research.
I was so blown away by this song that I just had to blog it. If I wanna make it I can spend 2 hours (because I'm laptop SUCKS) writing a quicky on my recharge day. What good is tweeting a link to youtube with zero commentary like I was about to do?
It's wild this song was not written during C, it totally feels like it could be given the lyrical content. Talk about a powermove by waiting until it's nearly August to drop this.
I've been stressing a lot late, beating myself up, but it's important to remember I'm still on track. Hopefully we all are. We are in control of a lot more than we may realize. Music is my escape and even though this is like 4 days old I find it v fitting I came across it today when I really needed it. I let out a breath and took this in like some O. It's so simple and easy to forget, but it really is so huge to just take a step back and breathe like a lunie for a second to get a grip. Listen to this. Really listen. It sure has been a slow year with three months inside with nothing much to show here...but at the same time there is a lot to show here. Hopefully some positive changes come from all the issues that 2020 has Clockwork Orange-d into our daily consciousness. Like another one of my faves, Florence (and nobody else ever in the history of humanity) once said "It's always darkest before the dawn."
Now back to my regularly scheduled programming. Really didn't want to draft Kyrie, but I was hamstrung.
With the NBA set to return in less than three weeks, there is still plenty of time for an outbreak in the Disney Bubble to completely derail the 2019-20; 2020 NBA season. Should that not happen then we are in store for a sports experience unlike any other with the 22 NBA teams (13 from the West & 9 from the East) living in a bubble competing for the Larry O'Brien Trophy. Ain't it fun, Rajon?
Seeding games start on July 30th. If you're unfamiliar with that term don't sweat...it's new. Essentially the NBA is switching things up given the world Worldwide Pandemic situation to make sure Zion is in the playoffs,,,, I mean to make things more competitive!! This video explains it all in a much more exciting way than I could since I cannot type a dunk.
With games returning that means gambling is back as well! I don't know about you, but I'm medium key more excited about that than the actual return of sports. I need that rush again. I think that last few months have shown us there are a lot more important things than sports, so thank God for gambling to make you feel alive during it. How else are you supposed to care about Kings vs Pelicans?
Maybe you have some funemployment money burning a hole in your pocket? Perhaps you've held on to that one time $1200 payment from Uncle Sam because it was more than anybody could've ever needed and you're looking for a way to invest? Well then I have some great news for you! NBA odds are out! There’s two games playing on the 30th. Utah vs New Orleans where the Pelicans open as 2.5-point favorites. The second game of the night will be the Clippers vs Lakers where the Lake Show opens as 1.5-point favorites.
The last game I watched before Covid (I mean it still was around, but before the U.S. decided it was bad) was Celtics-Pacers on March 10th. The C's were a 3.5 point favorite and ended up winning by only three so ya boi has been itching at a chance at redemption for almost four months. So please just keep wearing your mask and washing ya grubby hands so we can maybe have a normalish 2021. We are potentially less than three weeks away from being able to put some scratch on the NBA and forgot for a few hours about the fact that 135k and counting Americans have died!
On June 22nd I addressed the summer future of DOL. While the Pandemic is far from over, I still have to go back to work. After I have my appeal hearing with unemployment next week I'll unwrap that whole mess, but until then it's gotta stay in my, some select family/friends and all the uba passengers I've told my sob story to brains.
Since the roads have been taking the majority of my time the last three weeks, I figured the least I can do to try and keep DOL afloat is bring back the Uba Chronicles to tell you some of the interesting people and situations I've come across since my return.
If you're interested in seeing my growth as a writer/the OG Uba Chronicles here (1) you go (2).
Covid life is all about adjusting. Of course I don't like having to wear a mask when I'm driving, but as we all know I'm a do the right thing guy; so I'm rocking a mask in the whip and you better have one on too otherwise you are not getting in (unless you have it in your hand and we're trying to do a quick pickup to not block traffic or you're someone later in this blog).
It's kinda wild to think about the risk I'm putting myself in. Every ride is like a game of Covid Roulette. How tf do I know these people aren't getting picked up from a Covid party? I mean if you're actually going to bars right now you basically are, but whatever I'm in America where money matters more than people, so if you're gonna pay me and the surges are still alive like Eddie Vedder (and not 135K Americans) then where do you need me to go?
On most rides things go off without a hitch. I am out here to make money. Plain and simple. Please do not feel obligated to have a conversation. I have that I'm cool with silence in my profile for Jah's sake (written like that b/c of character limits).
Like you, my brain only has so much space.
So I don't remember every little detail of what goes down. Luckily, I have the notes app and talk to type to bang out talking points and details for a future blog.
I never know who is going to enter my vehicle. If they wanna talk I'll fucking talk, oh I'll talk. I've spent the vast majority of the last four months (and the rest of my life) alone so I'll bite and use uba as a chance to work on my interpersonal skills.
Without further ado here are some of the most notable rides I've had since my return to the roads on June 18th. Mid blog P.S. These are not in any sort of order.
I've Never Had This Happen Before
I try to almost exclusively drive in Newport because it's usually busy with quick rides which means more money for ya boi. But since I live all the way up in the Creative Capital, I'll chase the surge elsewhere too.
Last week I was making my way to Newport, but stopped in Warwick to get gas and vacuum my car along the way. Since it was surging I turned my meter on and directed rides to Newport in hopes of catching someone OMW down.
My first ride of the day was supposed to be like 18 minutes (I'm a diamond driver so I get to see) with a decent surge. I don't remember exactly, but it was at least $4.
When I'm about five minutes away I get a call from a passenger. This happens more often than you would think so up to this point I'm not alarmed. When I picked up the call the dude I was supposed to pick up in a very calm way told me his uncle just died and he needs to cancel the ride. Woah.
I don't know if he was in shock or if he actually did it, but I have never had this happen before so naturally I was definitely taken aback; especially by his calmness. Talk about a bad start to MY day! (that's a joke relax). Since I'm a hashtag good guy told him I'd cancel so he doesn't get charged, said I was sorry, he said thanks and we never spoke again.
I'll be honest, I really didn't want to cancel. It fucks up my rates and my ability to see how long rides are going to be. People die everyday. That doesn't change the fact that my cancellation rate has to be 4% of under to retain my diamond status. Since that's V hard to do and I am constantly flirting with 5% or higher I'll be honest (internally) I briefly hesitated. On the other hand, it's hashtag good guy life and a hashtag good guy doesn't worry about that when someone (potentially) dies. I'd be lying if in hindsight I was wondering if this was some long con to avoid a $5.25 cancellation fee and if it was I just have to tip my cap. TBH I hope it was so this guy who I don't know isn't actually dead. Hashtag good guy.
I Don't Want To Be Rude, But....
One of my favorite parts about driving for Ubaa is getting compliments from strangers. While I have little to no confidence because of my weight, teeth and penis size I still enjoy being told positive things about me; regardless of whomst it may come from.
While in Newport I picked up a white lady who was anywhere from 37-53 years old with blonde hair. She had a single dread lock in the middle of her head like a leash to make it easier to potential pick her up for weird sex stuff because she def put off those vibes.
While I'm driving she kept saying how beautiful my hair is (it really is, thank you!) and asked what products I use. Of course I replied Tresemme and she said the following "why can't women have as nice as hair as mine?" (talking about me)
While I love the compliment and obviously have luscious locks, I think the easy answer would be that I have fantastic hair because I have never once attempted to ruin it with dreadlocks. The next white person to look good in dreads will be the first. I don't think this is a gender thing as much as it is a you ruined your hair thing. I also wash it 85% of the time I shower, never straighten it and haven't used a blow dryer in years if that helps.
Wrong! (but of course, I did not correct her)
I don't want to sound like a complete pussy who avoids confrontation at all costs because that simply isn't true. I LOVE telling people no they can't get in when they don't have a mask because I get to play God, but in this instance I just didn't feel like correcting a stranger.
Getting paid to listen to music and people watching is a dream. I've been on a mini The Smiths bender because I'm somewhat pretentious and was listening to "This Charming Man" when I picked up a woman who I'd guess was in her 40's from the beach.
When she got in my car I turned down the music briefly to confirm she was who she the right person and that her destination was correct. They were and she said "I like your music you don't have to turn it down, I love the Cure"
Speaking of Music; Part 1
I play what I want to hear. I will take customer input, but at the end of the day it's my car. For safety purposes lol I'm in charge. I usually play an album straight through or put on a playlist, but sometimes I'll just go full send and put in on shuffle. Are we going to get the Strokes or Lady Gaga? Maybe some Tom Papa? Playing "weird" shit to get a reaction out of people is my favorite part of this gig after making my own hours.
When I picked up these two 20 something chicks to bring them to the beach they already had on their masks like angels so I didn't have to drop my "MASK UP!" speech. A funny thing about ub life with masks is noticing people singing along to the music. I was rocking out to Taking Back Sunday like I have since 5th grade when Number 5 With a Bullet (deep track) came on. I was about to switch it when in my rear view I saw a mask moving and heard a timid "We're gonna die like this you know" in the backseat. Since I have a 4.90 driver rating, I knew this wasn't in reference to my driving, so I said "you can sing if you want" turned that shit up and belted out at this point "are you positive? ABSOLUTELY SUREEEEEE" with a stranger. It was beautiful, just like I'm sure she was under that mask.
Speaking of Music; Part 2 & 3
Like I said, straight through albums are the move so I'm not touching my phone as frequently. The Arctic Monkeys are one of my all-time favorite bands and their first two albums are two of my all-time favorite albums so I'll let you connect the dots......I play them a lot in the Pontiac!
The first story is not that big of a deal, but a textbook example of the perfect ubaa ride.
I picked up this couple from Hotel Viking and brought them to dinner at Castle Hill. That's about a 16 minute drive. During this ride I had the Monkey's second album Favourite Worst Nightmare playing. They said they loved them and this was one of their favorite albums, so I turned it up on my $5.55 blutooth speaker from 5 Below.
We listened from like "Teddy Picker", to "This House is a Circus" because I skip "Only Ones Who Know" about 60% of the time.
Not a single word was said until I dropped them off. It was lovely. No need to small talk when good tunes are on.
The NEXT day I get these same people, this time it's to the train station to bring them back to wherever they were visiting from (since it didn't come up). I get a message from the passenger OMW to get him saying he can't wait for more Arctic Monkey. So I played Whatever People Say I Am, That's What I'm Not in basically its entirety in silence apart from the occasional attempt at singing in a Sheffield accent.
The next AM story is not nearly as fun. I was OMW back to Prov from Newps and stopped in Cranston to bring some dude home. I was playing Favourite Worst Nightmare and the guy started talking about how he saw them with his dad in 2009 (jealous) back when he was alive (not jealous).
As someone who struggles with small talk this is where things got a little more large and I really didn't know what to say. What do you say in that situation? I don't know if this guy died in 2010 or last week. I just said sorry for loss and he talked about how he used to take him to shows of bands that he liked even if he didn't really like/know them just to be a good dad. At this point I have a small tear in my eye because I have an incredibly complex relationship with my old man and it triggered a lot of shit.
We just kept talking about music and how I have tried for years to learn an instrument. I bought a nice acoustic guitar in 2012 after my GF and I broke up to get my mind off her. Then we got back together later that year and the nut broke (off the guitar) so I've had a semi-broken $400 guitar in my closet/friend's basement the last 8 years. He told me to just get a $200 Yamaha and before I could be like nah, bro I'm poor the ride was over.
Speaking of Music; Part 4
Last weekend the second of six singles from Alanis Morissette's diamond international debut album Jagged Little Pill was already playing when I picked up four (sorry) drunk chicks to bring them out to some restaurant that I cannot remember because that information was not left on my notes app. What I can remember is how smashed these chicks were and that didn't stop them from belting out the lyrics to "Hand in Pocket". We've all sang drunk before. The accuracy of the lyrics goes down with each sip, but I gotta dip my metaphoric cap to these ladies. They fucking CRUSHED "Hand in Pocket" which is not easy to do dead sober.
Much like "Ironic" (the third single from Jagged) there are a LOT of moving parts that are not repeated. Didn't matter if it was giving a high five, playing a piano, or hailing a taxi cab (LOL FUCK TAXIS!!!) they got it right with 100% accuracy.
What's most notable about this ride is not the lyric accuracy that would make Wayne Brady proud, it's the next song.
Next on shuffle was "Roses" by Outkast; one of the most fun songs in the history of humanity. You simply cannot write a script like that to go from "Hand in Pocket" to "Roses". You just can't.
Sure, one of the girls saying how she hates the term "poo poo" kinda made some blood go back to the rest of my body, but I'm not letting that ruin this incredible version of carpool karaoke that puts that fat pussy James Corden to shame.
You really run into some funny mother fuckers while behind the wheel. I brought these two Tony Siragusa lookin bois about three miles, but between me up front and them in the back this car had easily 1,200 lbs of USDA man meat in a 14 year old car.
It took them a solid two minutes to get in and out of the car, I wish I had video footage of it. If you've ever heard the idiom "it's like trying to get 10 pounds of shit in a 5 pound bag" (idk how often that situation occurs) them getting into my car was that personified. One dude straight up couldn't bend his knees and had to weeble-wobble his way in and out. They called themselves mayo jars and were so goT damn funny its a shame I don't have any other quotes.
They were so fat and ridiculous that I didn't even notice they weren't wearing masks. It was like Phil and Don Vito without the sexual assault (at least in my car). Normally, I've been on top of that these last few weeks but I was so worried about bottoming out that it just slipped my mind. Since it was a short ride and they had legitimate difficulty getting in and out of my car I let it slide. I asked them if they'd be okay with me taking a photo for my blog and I got a big fat no which is actually okay because now there isn't photographic evidence to proof they were mask-less. For all you know I could've just made all that up and totally didn't drop them off at Rusty's.
If you don't have a mask on as you're entering my car I will ask if you have one. 90% of the time they do and they throw it on. The other 10% of the time you'll get some douche who refuses or says they don't have one. Tough titties. You cannot get in.
One of said douche's was named Chad with two D's aka Chadd. It's like he was out of central casting for fuckboi douche. I wonder if he earned the second D or just has the worst parents? Of fucking course the dude who refused to wear a mask was named Chadd and you best believe I had a smile on my face (under my mask) when I denied him entry.
When you're driving with ubaaaa the fact of the matter is you're going to deal with a lot of drunken people being stupid and/or annoying. Being a substitute teacher I've got experience in drowning people out. When you throw in the mask effect it's not always crystal clear as to what's causing the issues. Some people may try to whisper fight to avoid me hearing, but obviously that just means I'm going to listen harder.
I picked up this, (at least at the time) couple and when they got in my car I could already tell things weren't going great. Not shortly there after since you can still see eyes I saw (and heard) the girl crying while the scumbag boyfriend who was not on par physically with her was huffin and puffin about her crying. I didn't get all the details, but it was involving him adding someone on facebook so you can tell they already trust each other and have a healthy thing going.
Just once I wish I could yell shut the fuck up. One day I will. #hiredozo.
Major Karen Energy
I don't love this internet "meme" because one of my favorite mothers on this planet is named Karen, but if you're familiar with the internet this bicccc had some serious Karen tendencies.
With ubaa you don't have a ton of control with what rides you get. You can deny rides, but that messes up your rates so it's best to accept as many as you can. Sometimes you may get a ride that is only two or three minutes in length but over 20 minutes away. It makes zero sense, but a lot about this app makes zero sense.
So this lady called me to ask to cancel her ubaa since I was like 15 minutes away and they were only going down the road. She didn't mention any deaths so I wasn't playing around. I have zero sympathy for you lady! I used my best serious adult voice to explain to her how ubaa works and that I'm not cancelling because it will mess up my cancellation rate and potentially strip me of my diamond status.
She kept saying she didn't want to have to pay the cancellation fee and that she was going to fight it. I told her I hope you do (sarcastically in my head), but I'm not cancelling. I have a job to do and if you want to cancel, you can cancel; otherwise I'll be there in 15 minutes. She cancelled, and did end up getting her cancellation fee returned, but it felt nice to be a man and put my foot down!
Brows on Fleek
As previously mentioned, I love compliments and have selective memory (hence why I'm low key repeating graphics). Sometimes I'll drive people multiple times and not remember who they are. It's nothing personal, but when you're doing over 100 rides in a week with the soul purpose of making as much money as possible you may forget some faces (ESPECIALLY IN MASKS!)
I had this couple that I drove (and forgot about) at some point during the last three weeks. Last weekend I picked them up again; this time with the girl's parents in the car.
Other than the fact that the mom and girlfriend complimented my eyebrows (suck it dad and boyfriend) nothing too noteworthy happened, but I figured I'd let you know they said I have fantastic eyebrows and that they recognized me specifically from them (only the girlfriend obvi in this situation).
I Picked Up a Covid Survivor!
That reads like a Youtuber making a big deal over nothing and that was intentional.
On Monday (I actually remember yay!) I picked up a couple in their 50's to bring them to dinner. During the ride we started having a conversation about Covid and how I'm handling it as an Ubaa driver. Then the gentlemen mentioned how both he and his wife are "in the health care field" so they have been dealing with C firsthand.
We spoke about the importance of masks and how scary all of this is because of the unknown and politicization of the big C.
After we opened up to each together since he kept calling me brilliant (he was American, not Australian so he actually thought I was brilliant) with my takes on how we should be handling the situation. He then disclosed to me that he had Covid in March or April (don't remember that part) but never felt super sick and only got tested because of his job. I was obviously a little scared. I know people who have had Covid, but haven't seen them yet. Here I was with a Covid guy in my backseat. It's like being around an AIDS patent in 1982, you really don't know wtf is going on. Am I at risk? There's so much hysteria and false information flying around.
He told he was fine now and my fear went away because worst case scenario I get it and die. Then I don't have to stress about staying alive/not being a failure to my dad/finding love.
My favorite part of our ride together was when he finally disclosed he's a male nurse (no judgment bro I'm a fucking ubaa driver/blogger) and slipped a 10 spot on my front seat without making direct contact with my body (which is not easy considering how large I am and how small my car is).
Fake KFC Radio
On Monday night I picked up three people on the Wharf and since the fellas were bigger folks they naturally had a sense of humor. One of them asked me if I wanted some raunchy jokes, but in a better way than that and of course I obliged.
He said he'd start slow and gave me a simple 1-10 scale. I said okay, four and was then asked if my mom and girlfriend swapped bodies and the only way to switch them back was to have sex with one of them who would I pick?
This is clearly a KFC radio question and since I worked in a restaurant for five years in college/post graduation I have answered every would you rather under the sun. From the tame to the stuff you really don't want your mom to read so mom can you please stop right now?
Others on the ride included would you rather:
"Have your dick shrink a millimeter every time you had sex or your ass hole expand a half inch every time you shit?"
"Have a shot of your dad's cum or a glass of your mom's period blood?"
and lastly the dreaded, worst would you rather of all time.
Of course I played along and had a great time. I then disclosed that I run a blog for the sole purpose of getting hired to write at Barstool and that this story will definitely make the cut. I even caught a new IG follower. Since I don't trust my mom to stop reading I am not going to get full gross here as I would like, but you have a brain and likely understand why some stuff is in bold. This is it for the third volume of the Uber Chronciles. I will be back on the roads once I finish editing this blog, so hopefully there will be a volume four in the near future.
So you may answer one way, but here's ya boi's logic. Mom I swear to God if you're still here...
I don't have a girlfriend, but if I did I am 1000% having sex with her body with my mom inside vs the other way around. You just go doggy or choke her and pray its quick (it almost always is).
Both drinks are fucking disgusting, but I'm going with the the smaller amount of vileness and the last time I checked a shot is less than a glass.
As for sex vs pooping I should've gone sex because I shit wayyyyyyyyy more than I get laid. Likely on a 3,00: 1 ratio over the course of my life. But I'd rather have a loose b-hole over eventually losing my wiener, but that's just me.
As for the last one, Dad is the only answer. Pretend it's prison, plus you're not looking face to face.
When I got Netflix in college, The Office was the first show I binged. I didn't watch it in real time until season 8 AFTER Michael had left for Colorado (spoiler alert). Some of my friends ranted and raved about it high school, but I never really watched with the exception of a few episodes here and there; I remember the opener for Stress Relief after the Steeler-Cards Super Bowl (I know it's 43) and that's the extent of my Office fandom pre-Netflix.
I have since seen every episode at least 20 times (with the exception of Scott's Tots) and no that is not hyperbole. Like most things in life I overindulged, I rewatched the Office so many times that I got sick of it. It's still one of my favorite shows, but over-saturation is real AF (Same reason why I don't like to El Camino everyday anymore). I was such a "being an Office Fan is my personality type of simp" (still deciding if I like that word or not, so this is a trial usage) that I'm 99.3% sure I had "just a Jim looking for a Pam" in my tinder bio even though the world knows I'm a Kevin.
When I started watching the Office IRT for season 8 half the cast was in Florida setting up the Sabre store. This is when we were introduced to Florida Stanley.
It has been so long since I watched the Office that my ability to pull an Office quote out of my butt in .04 seconds is escaping me. If only Stanley could just shove a quote up there..
Leslie Baker (the actor who played Stanley Hudson) started a kickstarter campaign to get a Stanley spin-off off the ground. Here are the details!
I have never donated to a kickstarter before, but after a great week on the roads I do have some money burning a hole in my basketball shorts...
There had been talks of a Dwight farm-related spin-off when the Office ended, but it never got picked up. I don't know a ton about past kickstarters and don't need to waste time doing research...I know that Super Troopers 2 started with a kickstarter and since I saw that movie in theatres opening night (4/20/2018) I'd say that they have worked in the past so there's no reason whatsoever this won't work now.
I feel like spin-offs were all the rage before I was born (1991). Doesn't Happy Days have like 8 spin-offs itself? I'm pretty sure that All in the Family spawned a dozen different shows. Obviously there have been spin-offs in my lifetime (Frasier, Chelsea Lately, Zoey 101) but idk, I feel like it's definitely more of an 70's or 80's thing back when people weren't as creative since the weed looked like decomposing rats.
Like the Broken Lizard boys, it's a shame Leslie has to even resort to this form of internet pan handling. Some big wig should back this it would be HUGE. Florida Stanley was fucking hilarious, there is a huge market for Office related content and do I really need to address the elephant in the room? Stanley is a black man. Showing support to the black community has never been more in. How about instead of giving hand me down roles to black voice actors someone at Netflix or NBC (or anywhere else idgaf) steps up the plate and puts together a pilot on this new series? Florida Stanley is willing to come out of retirement to help his nephew named Lucky (we may need to workshop that) save his business and take care of his kids. This is the type of heart warming comedy the world needs right now! @richpeople make it happen. Donate if you can. DID I STUTTER? (had to sry)
Hello. it's Dozie, I'm back to tell you that Episode II of Here Goes Dozo is up on Instagram as of this morning. Here's a little inside baseball! I filmed this myself Thursday between a light jog (hence the only visible sweat being on my back) and shower before hitting the roads on the Ub. Like I said, this is just a soft hiatus during the summer so I can profit off of a Pandemic like Amazon or your health care provider. There will be blogs, but for now enjoy me being gross :)