I literally was just talking about how much I love Youtube, so you best believe I am a subscriber to NPR Music.
Tiny Desk concerts have been around since 2008, but because I'm late to everything I didn't really get into them until like three years ago. They have since become go-to background filler/essential viewing during hangs with my friends (back when that was a thing). We have even joked that you aren't anybody until you've been on Tiny Desk because legitimately everybody from The Antlers to Zaytoven has been on.
With this whole pandemic thing Tiny Desks are going to be from home indefinitely (although the Billie Eyelash TD that came out today had me fooled for a moment!). Since Kevin Parker aka Australian Jesus makes melodic masterpieces that cannot be replicated in the wild, we are in luck. Enjoy as Tame Impala plays two songs from my (so far) top album of 2020 and one that didn't make the cut in a room with at least 4,000 knobs.
If I was being honest and not trying to look cool to my audience of nobody;;;;;; Under My Influence by the Aces should be #2. I fucking LOVE those Salt Lake Ladies. ("New Emotion", "All Mean Nothing" and "Lost Angeles" are my faves off UMI).
As for Tame, I'm unapologetic in my love of all things they make. I think Kevin Parker is a fucking genius and super talented; the Brian Wilson of this generation (albeit not as tortured). As someone who combines topics that the normal would never think to combine their writing, I love how he can throw rock, dance, calypso, techno and pop into a musical blender and make it come out tasting delicious. "Is It True" is probably my favorite song on The Slow Rush so obviously I'm pumped its included here. This is the best "Patience" has ever sounded and makes me wish it made the cut for the album. Someday concerts will be back, but until this will have to do (have to do, yes it’s true).
When I'm not driving professionally or binge eating Burger King in attempts to control the pain that is life, I'm watching NFL Films!
I love all the documentaries that are readily available; I am student of the game thanks to Youtube. I probably spend $100 a month on streaming services and almost exclusively end up watching YouTube. (I feel like I've said that in a blog before, but it's fucking true; sry 4 the repetitiveness) It's like the internet version of playing with the box more than the toy that came inside of it.
Even though the video this entire blog is centered around is not an NFL Films project; that all too honest intro still plays. You see, NFL Films laid the foundation for this very interview! Rapport ever heard of it?
Everybody knows you have to butter up Belichick for YEARs or be able to speak five minutes straight about the T formation to be treated like a person by the greatest coach of all-time in a media setting.
Luckily, waaaay back in 2019 during the NFL 100 festivities Cris Collinsworth, Rich Eisen, and Bill Belichick led the roundtable for the Sports Emmy Award Winning NFL 100 All-Time Team Show. As a self-proclaimed student of the game I cannot recommend it enough. You get to hear/see Bill, Cris, and Rich muck it up with all-time greats from yesterday like Mean Joe Greene, Lawerence Taylor and Roger Stabauch. Talking football with contemporary greats like Tom Brady, Ray Lewis and that's it; because there's like four players on the list from after 2005.
I'm sure Bill and Rich had some sort of relationship before the mini series, but after working together on such an important piece of NFL history you know Belichick has a great deal of respect for Rich Eisen. Bill doesn't exactly call into a ton of radio shows.
In an interview yesterday on Eisen's show that recently made the switch to Peacock (oh great, another streaming service!) Coach Belichick seemed to be in a great mood. He even began the interview with a very natural, human chuckle! Three full Ha's! I don't need to waste my time writing a few paragraphs about the entire interview. I'm trying to master short and to the point. I don't find sanitization methods fascinating blog talk (although the mental image of Bill fumble with the settings of spray gun while being the smartest defensive football mind of all-time makes me put up a very natural, human chuckle).
This blog is all about Rich Eisen's question regarding the NFL rulebook. At the 6:54 mark Rich asks if Belichick could wave a wand and change one NFL rule what would it be? Shockingly, Bill doesn't entirely dodge the question or its lame phrasing by eventually, sorta saying he wouldn't hate adopting college pass interference; while still firmly sitting on a fence #ThePatriotWay. What I really took away from the interview was how Belichick wants the rulebook simplified. The more similarity between college football and NFL rules, the better. Even the greatest teacher in league history is getting tired of coaching up the differences between college and the pros. Do you know how long it takes to install a goal-line three corner package? You don't want to waste time explaining that in this league you need two feet in bounds for a catch.
Bill's got a great point! Pass Interference is a game changing penalty that is way too subjective to be so impactful on the game. Being the football genius that he is, Bill says he understands why the rule is how it is before there is even a chance to refute! I'm sure, like everybody else he's annoyed with the Flacco Balls changing games. He knows Josh Allen is in the division and wants to take away his biggest strength; overthrowing. Changing PI to 15 yards would be better for the NFL, but even Bill said he's be fine with either rule as long as there is consistency. I feel like most rational people are in the same boat. College would be better if you got rid of down by contact and the NFL would be wayyyy more exciting if the clock stopped with first downs in the final 2:00 of the 2nd and 4th quarter. But if we as a nation can't even agree on 12-14% of the population's lives mattering, I doubt we're ready for something as important as running clock or overtime reform.
This story originally broke while I finishing up my Bauer blog and at the time it was the opposite of funny. Cincinnati Reds broadcaster Thom Brennaman said that Kansas City was "one of the f@g capitals of the world" when I think I can assume he believed they weren't on the air.
I don't need to get into the nuts and bolts of what he said earlier. It goes without saying that does not fly on a broadcast; especially when San Francisco, Houston, Austin, Portland, LA, New York, Chicago, Atlanta, Miami, Portland (ME) and Provincetown all come to mind as homosexual hotbeds (much more socially acceptable terminology) before KC. Then again what do I know? (even though I'm low key gender fluid) Not only was this man homophobic, but he also was inaccurate! Double whammy like you read about. Triple if you count the name Thom (which I do).
Granted (in reference to the blog title) we don't have a ton of options to chose from currently....BUT I think this Nick Castellanos solo shot into the judgment free zone of Kauffman Stadium (second reference on DOL today has got to be some sort of record) as future-fired Reds Broadcaster Thom Brennaman gave his closing goodbyes and apologies after dropping a hard F bomb (not fuck) earlier in the broadcast has to take the cake for most unintentionally funny sports moment of the year. You almost have to respect the dedication to insincerity.
The great Trill Whither put it perfectly.
Which inspired many other great tweets.
That concludes this blog. In short first video; not funny. Second video; hilarious (not on purpose).
Seriously watch Visible: Out on Television (AppleTV+) if you haven't yet. One of the best and most interesting docuseries I've ever seen.
In case you're unaware; there is a lot of fucked up shit going on in America right now. For starters, Mookie Betts is a B̶r̶o̶o̶k̶l̶y̶n̶ Los Angeles Dodger. For time's sake that concludes the list.
There is a legitimate argument to be made that we are currently living in the worst period of human history. At least during the Bubonic Plague there wasn't a computer in your pocket (if they were even invented yet) constantly updating you on how badly things are going. You got to die, in pain, on your bed of straw LIKE A MAN; with no idea of what's going on even four miles away.
2020 has been an all-time bad year. Tons of death and miscellaneous bad shit. You can quote me. It appears that another one miiight bite the dust in 2020. I am sad to say that the "another one" in question is not a 2015 Mac Demarco song (not to be confused with 2017's "One Another"), but Wichita's own Pizza Hut. (article here)
Since opening up in 1958 (dozzaahhhh) Pizza Hut has sold over 5,000 pizzas world wide. While I didn't take any business classes in college, I do know this news doesn't mean Pizza Hut is going completely under. Thanks to Shark Tank I (sorta) understand how franchising works, but that doesn't change that this isn't a good thing to find out days after the news broke because you're too busy ub**ing and moving to notice! 1/5 Pizza Huts in the United States will close; including my go-to in Warwick that had the most ridiculous set up of Boston professional athlete figurines of all time. (Tom Brady, Dustin Pedroia and the GREAT Wally Szczerbiak)
We as a planet have already lost so much in 2020. When does it stop? Kobe's dead, kids couldn't walk at graduation and now 20% of the Pizza Huts in the United States have closed. 2020 is running up the score like the 07 Pats. We gotta just hope there's a David Tyree out there somewhere to put us out of our misery. (What the FUCK did I just type?)
Pizza Hut is not only hands down the best chain pizza in the game, but it also responsible for convincing let's call it millions of children that free pizza is worth reading books for.
I read 25 books in 4th grade just for some free personal pans; of course one of them was Hatchet.
Pizza Hut is also responsible for quiet possibly the best invention of the last 35 years. You already know I'm talking about Stuffed Crust Pizza, folks. I have yet to see another restaurant replicate the masterpiece that is Stuffed Crust. Why I ate an entire one just Saturday night. They are the tits.
As a pizza guy I have no shame in saying I LOVE Pizza Hut. Of all the major chains it is IMO the best. Dominos fills the hole, but Pizza Hut fills the heart (and arteries).
I have already lost Mookie and Brady this year. If Pizza Hut goes next I think it'll officially be check out time. #SavePizzaHut
Since nearly decapi-fingering himself with a drone during the 2016 ALCS, Trevor Bauer has had a reputation in baseball.
While he doesn't have a cool hippie-meets-fisherman look like his friend and former teammate Mike Clevinger;;;
Bauer is known for antics and no fear attitude. He finished 2nd in the AL in ERA in 2018 and literally threw a ball out of Kauffman Stadium; so he's a pretty decent RHP too.
Trevor, a self-proclaimed nerd is one the smartest players in Major League Baseball. Dude rocks a fake wedding ring that analyzes everything from his white blood count to last time since an erection and everything in between! He is all about doing the absolute most to maximize his abilities.
I wrote about the Joe Kelly situation when it happened, but have yet to update the DOL readers! Kelly's appeal brought his eight game suspension down to five. It's still bullshit considering he didn't even hit anybody, but this blog isn't about the cheating Astros...
It's about Cincinnati Reds (my favorite team) pitcher Trevor Bauer's unrelenting support of Joe Kelly AND his internet skills.
Bauer has made no secrets about how he feels about the Astros.
The man knows exactly what he's doing online.
The Reds lost game one a double header earlier today 4-0 against the Royals. Bauer is scheduled to pitch the night cap. Trevor was planning on auctioning off the cleats and donating the funds to the charity of Joe Kelly's choice. Seems like an awesome idea right?
In what should come as a surprise to absolute nobody, MLB shot Bauer's cleats down quicker than a plane near the White House; threatening to eject and fine him the moment he stepped on the field.
It shouldn't come as any surprise that MLB doesn't want a pitcher (a vocal AF one at that) openly bashing the Astros or supporting Joe Kelly. I wish that Bauer just did it without telling anybody to have that awesome moment of whatever the reaction of the umps/managers would be, but I get wanting to be a responsible teammate/wanting to create some buzz beforehand. Whether or not Scott Boras hires a hitman to take out Trevor Bauer remains to be seen, but until I am going to Stan (I hate that term; sorry) Bauer because he is the fucking man. He doesn't give a shit. He's a stud. Dozo loves loyalty and Bauer is loyal to the TRUE integrity of the game. Nobody wants players to use their platform more to grow the game and the personalities inside of it more than #27 on the Reds. He is one of the few things that is right with Major League Baseball.
LIVE UPDATE AS OF 12:09 AM.
I love how fucking candid this guy is. Clap BAAAACK BAAaaACK BAAAccCCkkKK *Boomer voice* Trevor!!!
I love this dude. He is one of the reasons why (and the lame dropping the "ox" joke) I am fostering Reds fandom!
You know the moment he's done playing he has an offer at Barstool waiting for him. Brahh, I wouldn't be shocked if something happens while he's playing; although I do think he's trying to grow his own brand @momentum. Keep calling out baseball's lack of leadership and common sense, bro. Do not let people forget that the Astros cheating their way to a World Series title and in a weird butterfly effect way may have lead to the Red Sox not committing the second worst trade in franchise history, but I digress.
Double P.S. (update was an un-official P.S.)
How can you not love this guy? He's got Budweiser (aka St. Louis suds) showing him love. This man is crossing one-sided-rivalry lines with his intellectual swag!!!
Fernando Tatis, Jr Needs to Apologize for Apologizing Because He Did Nothing Wrong
I’m sitting here in a parking lot under a tree that I don’t know the brand of because I’m not a fucking arborist before my virtual therapy session, so I apologize if this isn’t chock ful’ o information.
Last night with the bases loaded on a 3-0 pitch in the top of the 8th inning San Diego Padres SS Fernando Tatis, Jr hit a grand slam to take over 1st place in the MLB home run chase.
It was a decent night for the son of Fernando Tatis Sr and Joe Buck.
The score was 10-3 Padres in the 8th inning so apparently Tatis should’ve just sat there and not hit a home run on a meatball down the middle. Both the Rangers manager and Padres manager had something to say after the game. Since neither will be a major league manager much longer I am not going to worry about learning their stupid names. The Rangers future fired manager sounds like the racists in Remember the Titans who get mad at the Titans for dancing during warm-ups.
And the Padres future fired manager sounds like a parent who doesn’t love his child unconditionally.
This is really gross to see and a microcosm of everything wrong with baseball (and life).
It’s almost 3:45 so I’ll say this quick...just like Herman Edwards did; YOU PLAY TO WIN THE GAME. Wtf are we doing here baseball? Be bigger dry pussies! Should you just give at bats away in the sport where a 35% success rate makes you an all time player because the other team performed poorly??
Thank God not everybody thinks this way. Glad to see some former and current MLB greats/players have Tatis Jr’s back.
Shit Ub** Drivers Hear
As you know, the roads have been taking the vast majority of my time this summer; hence the lack of writing. To make up for that, I made a video showcasing some of the stuff I deal with on a daily basis.
Thanks to my new laptop there will be more blogs! (especially with the Celtics run to the Covid Finals starting this weekend). A new podcast that I'm super excited about is in the works AND there is going to be a lot more video content on the DOL IG as the summer winds down and I continue to go full send in pursuit of my barstool dream. Not to suck my own wein too hard, but this is the best video I've made yet (although I do think my Dozie on Rosie remix is wicked underrated). Please like/comment/share!! (and plzzzzz follow @dozonlife if you aren't already)
To all my "friends" who continue to not like/support the blog/me, this is your last chance to hop on the bandwagon before I exile you like Aaron Rodger did to his family. I remember everything (when it come to those who don't show love when I am nothing but supportive to them) and when I do make it, you will be left in the dust should you not change your ways, you unsupportive fucks. Sorry I believe in myself and going after my dreams. I WILL make it. #HireDozo
DOL is 100% Team WAP
I am nothing if I'm not a truth teller here on DOL. I am the antitheses of Ja Rule in his 2001 smash "Always on Time" when it comes to hip-hop/top 40 music.
Shit, I barely am up to date with music I actually like. Similarly to how I am with foods, I don't like to try new things. I've been listening to the same 20 songs by Taking Back Sunday, Coheed and Cambria and Avenged Sevenfold for like 15+ years for a reason. I didn't even know who Mac DeMarco was until last year and I have never seen myself in a musician more; I didn't hear Currents (my #1 album of the 2010's) until almost a year after its release; although I did know about Kings of Leon wayyy before "Sex on Fire" if we really wanna go tit for tat.
Speaking of tits and tats! I had seen some buzz about this WAP song on twitter the last few days, but didn't fully dive in until the wet and gushy until late this afternoon.
All I knew was that Cardi dropped a new sexy track with Megan Thee Stallion (full discloser: I didn't even who she was until like two weeks ago when a chick asked for me to play "Savage" in the ub...yes, I didn't know who it was by) that was causing "outrage" by the conservative right for sexually explicit content;;;;; obviously.
I decided to go for a stroll to burn off some sad Burger King (I've loved Rodeo Burgers for a dozen years) after work and figured I better listen to this shit and see what all the fuss is about. I thought to myself "Ryan (that's when you know it's serious), if you want to be an internet man you're gonna have to be better at staying up to date with the mainstream pop culture".
I listened to WAP three times in a row. On purpose. I was laughing at the brilliance of the word play and how much these broads (I think I can say that) don't give a FUCK. I wanted to say these are my favorite lyrics, but they legit change with every listen. Here's some notable ones. Say what you want about the musical composition, but the lyrics are fucking hilarious, hot and go HARD.
"Beat it up, n**** catch a charge
Extra large and extra hard
Put this pussy right in your face
Swipe your nose like a credit card"
"He bought a phone just for pictures of this wet-ass pussy (Click, click, click)
Pay my tuition just to kiss me on this wet-ass pussy (Mwah, mwah, mwah)"
"Pussy A1 just like his credit
He got a beard, well, I'm tryna wet it
I let him taste it, now he diabetic"
"Your honor, I'm a freak bitch, handcuffs, leashes
Switch my wig, make him feel like he cheatin'
Put him on his knees, give him somethin' to believe in"
It'd be criminal to not include the clip (less than 15 seconds).
As a feminist and more importantly someone who fucks with equality heavy (look at everything I wrote in June) I have these ladies back 100%.
If you have anything other than "YASSSS queens" for this then you can kick mf rocks. Of course when you read it like an ALS computer it isn't gonna sound great. It's the same thing with jokes. Unlike DiGiorno, delivery is everything.
Ben Shapiro's dream BJ.
I may be singling Ben out, but that's just because I don't need to waste either of our time giving more people FaceTime on DOL. The idea of getting butthurt over lyrics and music is nothing new. Read wikipedia one time for me. Ever since there was popular recorded music there was also people 20+ years older than the intended audience who thought it was the devil reincarnated. Whether it be Tipper Gore or the losers who actually called and complained about Elvis shaking his hips; you simply cannot please everybody.
What I think we need to take away from WAP, apart from a song bringing spitting to the mainstream is that women should be allowed to be sexy and sing about their wet ass pussies without getting flack from the "cowgirl is too empowering" crowd. Look at this ridiculous line from the Daily Mail (redundant sentence).
I will give credit that it gets the conversation going. It's ALWAYS from the male perspective. God forbid we let a lady tell us what she wants. NEWSFLASH communication is the key to healthy relationships or so I'm told. An open dialogue is a good thing. I am here for you ladies. I think I speak for everybody when I say I'd rather you just tell me what you like as opposed to the guess and check method. We need more representation of differing view points. If you don't like getting choked that's a-o-fucking-kay, but a lot more people than you would realize do. Let them live and make money singing about it. Isn't that what America is supposed to be about? I don't like tomatoes, so I order my sandwich without them. It's really not that hard to avoid things you don't like (apart from the obvious orange stuff).
Rick James (God rest his soul) was singing about essentially demanding that stuff, that funk, that sweet, that funky stuff 40 fucking years ago!! This is nothing new. God forbid some thiccccc ass queens strut around talking about getting their salad potentially tossed. If you wanna get mad, get mad that they threw one of the Jenners in for no fucking reason.
As for the song itself; what else can I say but girl power and I could go for some Buffalo Mac'n'Cheese rn.
If we're being truly honest, I don't appreciate the garden snake line.
I Don't Really Care (Seriously) but Someone Needs to Call Out CBS Sports for Its AWFUL Best NFL Player by Jersey Number List
Yo straight up, I don't really care about this because it's just a stupid list that means nothing (like all of life lolol) and I just need to write about sports to prove I still got it for the folks at BSS, but you're gonna need to glance at this list to get wtf I'm talking about; here it is.
So I saw said list on instagram during my most recent bowel movement. As I typed that sentence at 10:23 PM I am DYING for my roommate to get out of the shower so that can become my 2nd most recent BM (and possibly 3rd by the time this blog is all said and done). I'd really hate to have the substitute's bathroom dilemma happen in my own home (that I rent a room at).
Sometimes my therapist is able to get a word or two in during our sessions. The one thing that has really stuck with me is "control what you can control". While that Confucius like wisdom doesn't stop me from from overthinking myself into a panic, it has helped me realize how much of my life I am truly in control of. The same goes for you! You can chose let something insignificant like getting cut off at intersection or being served ruin your day or you can just let it roll off your back like that duck idiom that I'm not wasting time looking up.
That being said, CBSsports broke down the best NFL players by jersey number. Before getting to the list itself I should tell you that dudes on this list were broken down by team before you get to the 1-99 stuff. When I saw only one Patriot (of course) made the cut, I was like oh well it's obviously going to be Stephon Gilmore; the reigning defensive player of the year. I don't need to waste time here. I am spending $8 a month on onlyfans. I should be there. I'm wasting money right now even writing this blog, but I cannot sit here and let someone with a real platform say that Nick Chubb is the best #24 in the NFL when he's won zero X player of the year awards in the NFL.
At least have some balls and commit to saying he's a top 3 RB. Now I am actually mad because this dude gets paid to write and I don't (with the exception of two sponsored gambling posts). I have nothing against Nick Chubb; in fact, I think he's nasty. I wish the Pats took him instead of Sony, even though he helped the Pats win a Super Bowl.
Sony Michel when healthy is good, but nothing special and certainly replaceable AF. If you swapped Michel for an elite RB and Stephon Gilmore for an average CB are the Patriots still Super Bowl 53 champs? The great irony of putting Chubb over all those lock-down corners is how author Cody Benjamin boasts about positional value being the deciding factor for close calls.
Any football guy/person with a brain in their skull will tell you a shutdown cornerback is more valuable than a RUNNING BACK. Remember all those Super Bowls Eric Dickerson, Barry Sanders, Ladainian Tomlinson carried their team too? I can picture the steam billowing out of Warren Sharp's mustache now.
Like I said, I don't even care. I am not worked up about this because it's just a stupid list made by a dude who barely has more twitter followers than me, but like hellloooo?
If Stephon Gilmore; reigning DPOY is not the best #24 in the NFL? Is Fred VanVleet the best #23 in the NBA too? At least he's won a ring more recently than the guy I'm obviously inferring.
The one Patriot who is on the list?
David Andrews #60.
I love Dave Andrews, he's the fucking man. I saw him in the distance at Rough N' Rowdy in Providence back in November and he literally only goes to the Super Bowl, but the dude didn't even play last year due to blood clots in his lungs. He's the only Patriot representative for best players going into 2020? Got it!
Like you, I'm not a huge fan of the lack of content on DOL this summer. August is already 1/3 over and I've written one blog this month. Hashtag Not Ideal.
Believe me, I hate myself more than usual for the lack of blogs/videos/memes etc. , but like your daddy after a long day at the job; sometimes I'm just too tired to play catch/write blogs to showcase my gift, eventually achieve my professional dreams and prove all the h8rs wrong after 6-12 hours of Covid Roulette in the Pontiac. Despite all the uba racks I've been stacking/saving, driving isn't getting me towards anything (except increasing the likeliness I contract COVID).
Of course it doesn't suck to be liquid AF, but the old adage is true; money doesn't buy happiness. At least not yet for Ole Dozo; maybe if I had enough cash to bail-out poor old John Henry so he could afford to run a baseball team, but until then..
Literally all I want in life is to write for barstool sports, but to a h8r the amount of time that I've put towards that goal this summer may say the contrary. Sorry for having a great work ethic. If you talked to me for 2 seconds you'd know I just want to blog and be creative again so I can be #HiredDozo already FFS.
Sure, I know that the amount of time I've been ubin shows my dedication to making it financially and independently, but I bet El Pres doesn't care about that. He/the rest of the people who hire want to see numbers and what you can do to help Barstool make more money. So, it means I need to keep grinding like Bob Burnquist. I've been sitting on a video idea for a month (way better than Here Goes Dozo Episode 2) that I just haven't had a chance to film yet. My extremely legitimate excuse of my molasses-top (cause it's slow) holding me back (after driving strangers all day the last thing I wanted to do is spend 48 minutes waiting for my laptop to get to weebly.com) is no longer valid since I used some of my uba money to purchase a fully functioning laptop.
Sadly, just because I have the necessary tools to blog, doesn't mean I really have anything to say at this very moment. Like I've alluded to, I've been living on the roads. I'm beat. I am so fucking out of the loop it's gross. I just wake up, (sometimes) take a shower and hit the road in hopes of making at least a G-note a week. I didn't even realize it was August 10th until like 1 PM when I saw my girl Laura Lee put up an IG story saying so.
So since today is August 10th, you get to enjoy a piece of instrumental bliss from one of my favorite bands, Khruangbin on its special day; the day in the title. I'm going to listen to this and the entire KEXP performance its from with some herbal courage to see if I can get another blog out :)