First off, I'd bet you my life Cody Bellinger doesn't knows who Kenny G is. cody-bellinger-didnt-know-who-jerry-seinfeld-is-until-this-weekend.html
Secondly, as soon as I saw this tweet I just lit up. Big old belly laugh from Ole Dozie on this one. Seeing Kenny G in 2017 make reference to one of the most polorizing memes on the internet right now hopping around on a trampoline like a 8 year old girl at her best friend's birthday party makes me laugh. Sorry.
I can't lie though..
I really just know about Kenny G because he's Kenny G. That simple. Enough said. To me Kenny G is just famous for being Kenny G. Sure he's a famous saxophone player, but nobody under the age of like 27 knows Kenny G for his music. He's just famous for being Kenny G. Some guys all you need to know is the name. There's a lot of guys out there who technically are Kenny G's, but they aren't Kenny G. You don't think of them when you hear Kenny G. You think of curly fries and music that our aunts listened to in her 30's. You think of Kenny G.
Kenny G is just that dude who has ridiculously curly locks that after 61 years still won't quit! (obviously I looked up how old he is, I'm not some freak who knows how old Kenny G is off the top of my head), and that he plays the hell out of a saxophone.
Now did I know the name of a single Kenny G song before 20 minutes ago?
But that's the thing about Kenny G, and really all pop culture in general, you really can sound a lot smarter than you really are by knowing even the most minute facts about something. That's all it takes for you too to have found this tweet hilarious.
Secondly, I also know that I'm officially a Kenny G guy for life. His music could be absolute shit (which I doubt because the saxophone is fantastic instrument), doesn't matter, I'll defend him to the death. You don't make fun of Kenny G in front me. No way.
Any out of date celeb who is smart enough to hop on the latest ULTRA_DANK MEME is cool in my book. Kenny G knows people aren't thinking about him everyday. It's not 1992 anymore. He's gotta strike when the iron is hot and he realized that meme play is the perfect move. So congrats Kenny G you just gained a new fan for using twitter for exactly what it is designed to do. Congratulations. And for those of you that have read until this point, and for some reason still have no idea what this is even talking about. It's about Kenny G making reference to "The Floor is ______" memes which of course play off the old game "the floor is lava" in which....you know what I'm just gonna pepper a few in here, I think it's pretty simple to understand.
The floor is clarinets. Kenny fuckin G man. Enough said. And yes if you were wondering, yes, I too was absolutely amazed by how still Kenny G's curls remained in that picture. You'd think gravity doesn't play favorites and still applies to Kenny G. I know he's on the way down, but still you'd think a little wing under those feathers would create a little flow flight.
Do you think Kenny G actually hates clarinets? Or that he just needed something just funny enough get in on the meme reference to make this tweet gold? Because I'm going to just live in a world where I believe that Kenny G is a saxophone guy to the death guy and fucking hates clarinets. And clarinet people hate Kenny G like poison. It's like Rome v Sparta in the woodwind community. Need more beef in the instruments you played for 2 years in middle school community. That's how you try to attract more people to your elevator music.
Song: So Close
Artist: Andrew McMahon in the Wilderness
Album: Zombies On Broadway
I bet most of you don't know who Cody Bellinger is.
Which if you don't follow baseball that closely, makes sense. He's on the West Coast (plays for the Dodgers), and he's only 21 years old. Bellinger is a rookie 1B/LF for the Los Angeles Dodgers who doesn't even have 60 major league games under his belt yet.
However, in only 57 games this season Bellinger already has 24 home runs; which leads the National League. To steal a line from the real life Jerry Seinfeld; Larry David, Cody's a pretty, prettty, preeeettttty big deal.
What's an even bigger deal is this kid apparently didn't know who fucking Jerry Seinfeld is. Which became a decently big internet story this weekend that I am bringing to you on a slow Monday.
Now I'm an SVP guy, but I think he took it wayyyy too easy on Bellinger here. He was just like that's incredible and just a sign there's "younger dudes" in the bigs. Which to me is a little too soft a take. I don't care if you're only 21 how the fuck do you not know who Jerry Seinfeld is? Saying "he had a tv show" is like saying Eddie Vedder "kind of sings sometimes", or Tom Hanks "was in a couple movies".
Maybe I'm jaded from being a history guy, and also dealing with kids who don't know anything about the world before they were born (honestly kids in High School know nothing about the world pre- 2007ish) but not knowing who Jerry Seinfeld is is inexcusable. I'm not even saying you need to be familiar with Seinfeld, and know the bits, because I'm 25 and I don't know a ton. Moreso shit just through it being referenced in pop culture. Seinfeld definitely was a little before my time, but I've seen reruns, and also just have a fucking brain and can recognize one of the most popular comedians of our time. Not to sound like an old man yelling at kids to keep off the lawn, but honestly kids nowadays know next to fucking nothing about anything that happened before they were alive. It's insane, and it's honestly a shame, the generation that has grown up entirely with technology, doesn't use it to learn a thing or two about life before them. Too busy with fidget spinners to spend a few minutes doing wikipedia research like we did growing up.
Maybe it's just because I'm a history guy and love to learn about pop culture of older generations, but shit like this always pisses me off. Now I get it if you're like 20 and don't know what Hit Clips or Tamagotchi's were, becuase they were big, but can be forgotten a little over time, but to not know who Jerry Seinfeld is is next to inexcusable. It honestly blows my mind. Did this kid literally just play baseball his entire life? Has he not surfed the tv ever? Like during any time, during the day in his entire life? Because Seinfeld is one of those shows that is on at least 7 hours a day across all networks. You can run into 3 hours of Seinfeld on TBS by mistake any day of the week. I just can't wrap my head around someone being that ignorant to someone so huge. I bet this kid doesn't even know who Corey Matthews is which would be an even bigger shame.
Artist: Childish Gambino
Album: Awaken, My Love
Look I love Big Papi just as much as the next guy, and I believe that he deserves to have his number retired. I just don't like how it's happening so soon. But I really do love David Ortiz. He's extremely responsibly
for why I fell in love with baseball.
I didn't really care about baseball until I was like 11. I liked X-games sports, and kind of was just really getting into team sports. My earliest memories of Boston sports were the Patriots Super Bowl 36 playoff run and the 01-02 Celtics making the Eastern Conference Finals. Of the four Boston teams the Red Sox were the last one that I became a true fan of. The first Red Sox games I can truly remember watching were in 2003, David's first season with the Sox. I became instantly hooked from that "Cowboy Up" '03 team. We all know how that ended, and what happened the following year. The Red Sox won the World Series for the first time since 1918. Without David Ortiz and his postseason heroics who knows, maybe the Curse of the Bambino is still a thing? Sometimes I feel guilty that The Red Sox won the World Series in just my 2nd year of genuinely caring about them. People had been waiting their entire lives, and here I am some chubby 7th grader getting to experience something millions of Red Sox fans never got to witness.
I had never known the Red Sox without Big Papi. From 2003-2016 from when I was 11 to 24 he was always there. Guys had come and gone on the Sox. Players I loved like Pedro, Tek, Millar, Manny, Youk, Mike Lowell, Nava, Pap just to name a few, but David was the one constant. To me he is the most important player in Red Sox history. If you want to say guys like Ted Williams and Yaz who played the field were better I have no issue with that, but nobody did more for the Red Sox as a brand than David Ortiz. He's the only person to be a part of their 3 World Series wins of the 21st century. He changed the culture of the Red Sox.
So I made it my personal mission last year to see Papi play as many times as I possibly could. I think I got to 5 games last year, including my first at Yankee Stadium. I was lucky enough to make it to Papi's final regular season home game last year. While the game sucked, the Sox lost, and Papi had a pretty bad showing at the plate it was just awesome to be there for the ceremony to see all the great former Red Sox come out to say goodbye. As some who who fancies himself as one of the biggest Sox fans around I felt like I had to be there to pay my respects and say goodbye to one of the most important players in Red Sox history.
Which brings me to my issue with what the Red Sox are doing. While I wholeheartedly agree that David Ortiz deserves his number to be retired and I do believe he belongs in Cooperstown, I just think it's all happening a little too soon. What's the rush? To me it just feels like another John Henry money grab. David hasn't even been retired a full calendar year yet and they're already bringing him back to Fenway to make a whole spectacle out of him. I think they should wait at least a full season. The Yankees waited over two full seasons to retire Derek Jeter's number, and made a whole night about his return. I think the Sox should've followed that blueprint. While the talks of Papi making a comeback have died down I just think this team needs to build it's own identity and sort of break away from Papi. They need to find out who they are without him. We've seen all season the struggles they've had without him in the lineup. They sure could use his bat. The last thing I think they need is some idiot reporters bringing up talks of a Papi comeback this weekend when he's back in Boston. The 2017 team needs their own identity.
Fans need more time away from him too to really appreciate what he meant to the team. Time apart makes you miss something and appreciate things more. It's like when you or your friends go away for college and you make a whole big deal about how you're gonna do your own thing, then come visit them in early September. It won't mean as much, you just saw each other like 3 weeks ago, you gotta wait until Thanksgiving. Then you have that "I haven't seen you in 3 months" hug and get to catch up on everything. What are you really going to catch up on after not seeing each other for 3 weeks? You're supposed to be out there making new friends and meeting new people, not just going back to your same old friends, doing the same shit you always did.
Same goes here, we just saw Papi and had a huge production of his final season all year long. By the end it was kind of exhausting, and tbh I think down the stretch led to their horrible play to end the season which led to their early exit in the playoffs. To me this just feels rushed and that the Red Sox just cannot wait to pounce on another opportunity to make a quick buck. Why else would they do this on a random Friday game against the Angels? The Angels don't matter and they're trying to sell more tickets. What else are they trying to do? Rub salt in the wound from Papi's walk off ALDS ending HR against the Halos from 04?
I just don't see the need to this so suddenly. It feels rushed, it feels forced. I think if the Red Sox waited a year it would create even more build up and more buzz around the night. Fenway is going to go crazy for David tonight, but if they just waited it would be even better.
Song: Show Me The Way
Artist: Peter Frampton
Album: Frampton Comes Alive!
When I hear this song I just think summer.
If you know me in real life, then you know I'm not exactly the most open minded person when it comes to trying new foods. I'm overprotective and picky AF. You could very easily make the argument that it has led to my lifelong struggles with my weight.
Yesterday I was playing basketball and finished up around 9 pm. I was starving, but I'm trying to make a conscious effort to eat better, I'm well aware I've put on some (a lot) of the pounds I lost last year. I opted to stop at Stop and Shop and grab some groceries instead of getting take out.
Well when I was going to grab some yogurts I noticed that the Dannon Light & Fit Greek Yogurts were on sale two four packs for $7 so I figured what the hell, I like Feta cheese, I'll give this a whirl. Apparently they don't have feta in them which was kind of a disappointment, but man let me tell you after one of these I'm absolutely hooked. Tastes pretty good and is only 80 calories. What more do you need? This isn't even a paid ad but I mean could you get a more ringing endorsement than me, picky ass ole Dozo saying how much they enjoy this fad from 2013? Sidenote I think I'd be a great spokesmen, slide in those DMS, Dannon. I don't know much about eating healthy but I mean if it has "light and fit" in the title it's gotta be right? Nobody in the food industry has ever lied about that before. Never have I flopped so quickly, after one spoonful, I went from I'm totally never gonna try Greek Yogurt to a "Greek Yogurt Guy" in a matter of minutes. What I like best about them is the inability to tell if it's gone bad when you first open up the container. Nothing better than a little roll of the dice before you dig into breakfast.
But what I've realized recently is that a lot of the foods I've been apprehensive to try I've actually sort of enjoyed. Which has inspired me to create a new webseries called "Dozo Tries It" where I try foods I've never had before, give me reaction and a review. Make content out of broadening my horizons. I think with my pickiness, gag reflex and overall electric personality it should be a big hit. I'm fucking ready to try all the gross stuff I've been scared to try, and if you have any suggestions feel free to give them. Anybody interested in being my camera person please do not hesitate to contact me.
BIG SUMMER AHEAD!
I've been watching a lot of historical documentaries on Netflix recently to freshen up on my history knowledge. I was thinking about it the other day; for someone with a history degree I know next to nothing about history. Something had to be done.
I was saying yesterday im-back.html that I need to start preparing for the harsh reality that I need a full time job and how with my background I'm not suited for much. For the time being I gotta think about teaching. I decided it was time to start freshening up on my historical knowledge. What better way to do that than with documentaries? The great thing about documentaries is that they aren't books.
I wanted to start with something light, so I watched a documentary called Oklahoma City about the Oklahoma City bombings and Timothy McVeigh. I learned that he was not such a nice guy. Timothy McAssHole is more like it? That dude sucked on ice. Did you know the whole reason he did it was payback for Waco and Ruby Ridge? I bet most of my readers don't even know what Ruby Ridge was. After you finish reading my blog check that shit out it was bananas. But not until you finish. It'll be like your dessert.
After that, I watched a documentary on that skunk haired Robert Kardashian and the Louis V bag (probably) full of evidence that he stole. That whole ordeal basically laid the groundwork for TMZ.
Now I'm all in on Prohibition. Well learning about it, fuck the actual execution of it.
I still can't believe so many people were for prohibition. What losers! Stupid, stupid losers. Think about how quickly you'd get laughed out of the room now if you brought that up. "Hey I think we should get rid of the one substance that makes everything in life better. and tolerable" You'd probably get a tomato thrown at you if you brought that up in City Hall today. Talk about being on the wrong side of history. I bet these people would've invested in HD DVD players and Crystal Pepsi had they lived a little bit later.
The way I see it booze makes life better. Even if you don't drink you know that's true. It takes the edge off, helps you relax, makes you better at stuff (darts, pool, talking to women etc.) plus it helps you fall asleep, the benefits are endless. Yet these people wanted that beautiful substance destroyed.
I can't believe more people weren't pro alcohol. Life fucking sucked back then. What else were you going to do to pass the time until you died? Roll a hoop down the street with a stick? Sit still for 5 hours to have your photo taken? Get Polio?
No you wanted to drink.
Despite a ton of social problems in this country and the fact that we elected a reality tv show host as President this is one the best times to be alive IMO. Women and non white people think it's bad now. At least you can vote and can buy a home. I'm not saying it's exactly ideal now, but a little perspective wouldn't kill ya.
Let's just look at all the great things we have now.
Food for the most part doesn't have rats and severed fingers in it so that's right away pretty cool. You like to avoid those both as much as possible. Most places are air conditioned, which is nice. Odds are you won't die in infancy, which I'm going to say most people are in favor of, and lastly we have smartphones. At any point you can take this baby computer out of your pocket and talk to anybody on earth with a phone, listen to any song ever made, buy basically anything, watch movies and tv shows, order a ride somewhere, order food, swipe right in hopes of getting laid, read literally anything ever written, or play a game some 13 year old created in his basement. It's pretty sweet. Way better than life 100 years ago.
Yet despite how great life is now we still need to drink to survive. If anything this would be the time were I could understand prohibition just because we have so many more options now. We're smarter now and have a ton of shit that we can do to entertain ourselves. Back in the 1920's (and before) if you were lucky you got to listen to a radio show.
But again, we're smarter now. We know people like to let loose. You gotta balance work and play. There's more to life than just working until you die. You just need a way to relax or have some fun or else you'll just go crazy and beat the shit out of your wife and kids like they were doing back then.
After a long day of work you want a beer. Shit, you might want 9 and that's after punching shit into excel all day. Most people aren't working 16 hour workdays in mills with no windows and still want to get hammered. I can't imagine how much people would've wanted to drink after spending 18 hours making rivets. No wonder why everybody was an alcoholic back then. Wtf else do you expect. Life SUCKED. If you somehow survived past 7 years old you got to go work on a farm or in a sweat shop until you died of natural causes at 37. So yeah, I can understand where their taste for whiskey came from.
The main arguments for prohibition included shit like that too many men were becoming alcoholics which turned them into bad husbands. I will say this is kind of on them. Maybe if women were allowed to work and help provide for the family men wouldn't have to work 80 hour work weeks and could've had more time to relax and get drunk. Then again maybe if dinner was ready on time after working 17 straight hours in a coalmine the Bradfords and Chesters are the world wouldn't be beating the shit out of you and the 7 of your 13 children that survived infancy.
What blows my mind about this time period is that shit like "Lips That Touch Liquor Shall Not Touch Ours" actually worked. How stupid were the men in these days? To steal a line from Vince Lombardi "what they hell's going on out there?" Did you see these bitches on the posters? How was this marketing strategy successful? First off they probably had bushes that went down to their knees. So right away barf. Secondly did these idiots know nothing about advertising back in the day? I get it times were different but sex sells, ever heard of it? Maybe don't have everybody's nasty great aunt trying to sell the point. How these "ladies" stopped even one person from drinking is next to a miracle. I don't know who I'm more upset at the people who thought that this would actually work or the idiots who allowed it to actually work. These beasts should've been in the zoo where they belonged.
You're telling me all I have to do is drink to have these beasts stay away from me?
Pass me the bottle.
Let's see who would you rather hang with?
I think the answer speaks for itself. Yet 36 states chose these pigs. I think the arugment can be made after Slavery this is America's second biggest mistake.
Hey every state that was for Prohibition?
Congrats you earned it en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ruby_Ridge
Song: Creature Comfort
Artist: Arcade Fire
Album: Everything Now
Yet another dark AF song by Arcade Fire set to a catchy composition. Can't wait for this album.
In my week away from blogging one thing that I'm really bummed me out was that I missed out on was a question that took parts of twitter by storm.
Could've had a great blog about petty shit I care about. While I am a mayo guy, this isn't about that. This is about the one petty hill I will die on. Between that tweet and a snapchat I saw about the same topic I'm about to go in on I'm completely perplexed. I'm a big "why do people care about this?" guy when it comes to stupid shit on the internet and this may take the cake.
I'm well aware that in a weird way me caring so much about people caring about a stupid topic is kind of ironic, but it doesn't change how I feel. Someone needs to say something and be the face of not caring about stupid bullshit and I am going to try to be that man. So here it is:
If you genuinely care about the way a toilet paper roll is applied you have fucking issues. I don't think there's something less significant in the world causing so much fuss. When I found out this was such a big deal online I was blown away. It's like when I found out Furries were a thing, it opened my eyes to how fucked up this planet is. Apparently on the internet there is a whole debate about how toilet paper rolls should be applied that people are very passionate about. There's a pretty extensive wikipedia article about said topic.
This is not hyperbole. I don't believe there's ever been a topic I couldn't give less of a shit about (no pun intended).
With toilet paper there are only two things that matter.
1. Is there toilet paper?
There's nothing worse than realizing you're out of TP after nature calls. There's not many feelings on earth as scary as realizing the public bathroom you're in is out of TP. This is where things like resorting to paper towels/socks comes into play and nobody needs that.
2. Is the TP soft?
Obviously you're gonna use what's in front of you, but there's no excuse for bad toilet paper. There are tons of things in life where you can cut corners and try to save money. A lot of store brand groceries taste as good, if not better than the name brand. But when it comes to toilet paper nothing screams "I have poor people tastes" than low quality TP. I don't care if you make $10 or $100 an hour investing in quality TP is an investment in yourself and the people you live with.
You'll see the way the TP is on the roll was not listed because it doesn't fucking matter. As long as it's there and on the wall I'm happy. I can't believe there are people who will get upset when it's over instead of under or vice versa. If this blog upsets you than congratulations, you're just proving my point. With TP as long as it's there and soft I'm happy. You can put it on the roll however you want, I'm still gonna sit there on my phone for 20 minutes even I only needed 3.