​Sorry loyal DOL readers, I've had a lot going on but am forcing myself to blog because I miss and need it! What better topic to kickoff my return after a nine-day absence than the 2-9 Pats??

The last time I wrote about the six-time Super Bowl champion New England Patriots was after their unexpected win against the fraudulent Buffalo Bills. 

Since then, they've dropped four straight and clinched their second-consecutive losing season. The last time the Patriots did that (1989-1993), Robert Kraft didn't own them.

Given the significant injuries and abysmal quarterback play this team's dealt with, it's not all that shocking they're bad, but I NEVER thought we'd be 2 and fucking 9. I may have even convinced myself there was a path to 10 wins in August. My bad for thinking we could beat the Saints, Raiders, Commanders, Colts and Giants. Hand up.

I ended up ub**ing during the Giants game and didn't see a down. In my world, it's like it never happened. Good thing Belichick drafted Ryland in the FOURTH ROUND!!!

​How is that even possible?

Call me Natalie Imbruglia because I'm torn on what to do with Bill. It's a major bummer to see him in this position with so many Patriot fans out of faith. It feels like the game is passing him by. He's in his late 80s Tom Landry era. It seems like if he is gonna break the all-time win record, it's gonna happen elsewhere. That's sad af to me and likely millions of other Patriot fans.​

I know it's easy now to be like, "SEE, IT WAS ALL BRADY," but that simply isn't true. You can't let this one year tarnish BB's legacy. What is true and, frankly, undeniable is that Bill Belichick's drafting has been subpar at best for a looooong time. There isn't a single player from the team's 2019 draft class on the roster. I know Covid fucked the world and concept of time up, but that's not that long ago. Now, if you wanna say Brady covered up a lot of those horrible drafting scars, you'll get no argument from me. I was hard on Belichick's drafting long before DOL was born. Yes, he's drafted some studs, but there are way too many misses, especially in the early rounds. For every Devin McCourty, there are six Cole Stranges.

I don't really follow college football, but I know there are some guys who "could" be franchise QBs. I'm all in favor of tanking to grab one of them (Bo Nix??), especially if the Pats do the unthinkable and move on from Belichick. I tried to give Mac the benefit of the doubt. Part of me still believes in him and thinks the Patriots (Belichick) stunted his growth, but it might be time for some change. Also, reminder...I didn't see a down from Sunday. I wouldn't hate drafting Maserati Marv and giving Mac one chance/a one-year show-me deal for Kirko Cousins. Yes, we're 2-9, but we could easily be 4-7 or even 5-6! As bad as Mac's been, his throw to Parker in the Raider game was perfect.

​This may sound like a cop-out, but it's more so just the truth of being 32 in a crumbling society...it doesn't bother me that much that the Patriots suck. Would I enjoy watching even JV-level football? Of course, but dude...we won six Super Bowls with Brady and had the most remarkable run of sustained success in NFL history. Of course, it wasn't gonna last forever. WE were lucky enough to have a nearly 20-year run as the class of the league before there s full-fledged class warfare. So we gotta deal with some unwatchable football? Whatever. There are much bigger issues at hand. Plus, the Celtics are the best team in the NBA and have only won one ring in my lifetime. That's where all my next championship thirst goes. I'm all for one horrible year to get back in the mix next season with a better QB/Maserati Marv.

It's just fucking crazy to think that Belichick could end up coaching in like Washington or Carolina, but then again, it's still kind of wild to think Brady played three years in icky Tampa. I have friends who say things like, "I want Bill to stay on as coach but give up his GM responsibilities." Yeah, dude, no shit. That would be fine. I mean, we have only given up 10 points in each of the last two weeks (to bums, but it's still hard to do in today's NFL!). Maybe he's still got it? More importantly...do you think Bill Belichick would be okay with that arrangement? No chance. He's from the Parcells coaching tree. He has to be able to pick the groceries (even if he'd choose a rotten tomato from a nowhere farm in the first round over an excellent cut of steak).

Plus, don't you think Belichick hasn't heard all the noise he's told his players to ignore all these years? He has to know how many people think he's washed or that Brady deserves all the credit for the Dynasty/Patriot Way. If Belichick won another Super Bowl elsewhere, that'd be quite the feather in his cap and would all but cement him as the best coach of all time (I still think he is).

At this point, I'm just worried we're gonna fuck up the tank. We're 2-9. No sense in winning a couple games now, but if there's one team that could lose to a team trying to lose, it's the Chargers. In my ideal world, we have the #1 pick locked in going into week 18, so we can beat the Jets and keep that win streak alive without hurting us long-term. Gun to my head Belichick is gone next season.

Song: Glamour Profession (1980)
Artist: Steely Dan
Album: Gaucho

Happy Spotified Wrapped Day to those who celebrate (I do not, #applemusic). Obviously, I had to give my #1 major dudes some love today.

P.S.

I started a new teaching position this week and yesterday my TA played "Hey Nineteen" out of nowhere and we instantly bonded over our love of Steely Dan. Music is everything! 

The C's probably got away with one in Memphis against a banged-up and battered Grizzlies, but a win is a win, and last night's victory was the C's 6th straight. At 11-2, the Celtics have the best record in the NBA. We're playing for a banner, but you gotta enjoy the ride *3 shaka emojis*.

I was switching back and forth between the C's and SNF like Ray Allen because YoutubeTV multi-screen technology is still in its infancy and won't let you choose your multi-screen combos. Plus, I was playing Madden and texting this new girl that I low-key might marry, so hand-up, I wasn't paying super-close attention to either game, but I saw the ending in real-time and caught all the craziness. That's what matters! Porzingis had the game-winning slam (great pass, Jayson!) and ended the game in style with rejection. 

It's hard to make up for nearly a decade of Marcus Smart antics, but you gotta love this reaction from KP! That was pure swag. It kinda reminds me of when Gronk laughed in a Steelers defenders face after making a sick grab for a 2-pointer.

It would've been nice to see Marcus on the floor, but he's out for the next month or so with a foot injury. At least it's still all love between him and the C's. I wouldn't be shocked to see Marcus find his way back to Boston someday. IDK if it's even possible to happen this year, but I'd love to see it, cause it's gonna be bittersweet AF if we win it all without him.

I don't wanna mush the C's, but let's just say that both significant trades this off-season look to be major Brad Stevens wins. Timelord is nasty, but damaged goods. Jrue has been incredible. Credit to Brad for putting his brain ahead of his heart because I would've never pulled the trigger to move Marcus.

In addition to SIX blocks, KP was efficient AF in the paint last night.

Sure, Derrick White caked a lay-up that would've sealed the game and Memphis got a great open look at the game-winner and just missed it....but we won, so chiiiiillll. It's a long year. Just stack the wins. We don't care about covering the spread and love to see KP taking things into his own hands to ensure The Grizzlies' look to tie never stood a chance.

​Last year's Cs probably lose this game, but things just feel different this season. Dare I say special??? KP won us the Knicks game that we probably should've lost, and yes, I'd love to see him get more boards, but overall, this trade has been phenomenal for the C's. Through 13 games, Porzingis is averaging 19.8 points, 6.8 boards (we'd like to see more out of someone his size!), and 1.8 blocks a night on 56.7% shooting.

P.S.

Sam Hauser is a bucket. 5/7 from deep last night.

Double P.S.

Jaylen's been a tad shaky from the floor to start the year (I'm not worried), but defensively he's elite.

This song popped up on my Youtube homepage and while I do love it, I'm high key posting it as an excuse for the P.S.

P.S.

Everybody loves Paul Rudd. Idk if I can trust someone who doesn't.

Abusive is too harsh a word, but I'd say most, if not all Madden lover's relationship with the game is neglectful. We stick around even though the game has neglected us for well over a decade. Every year it's the same ole thing with maaaybe a tweak or two. When ESPN2K5 (the GOAT football game) has you beat in gameplay and special features, it's clear the goal of this game isn't to be its best self.

I've tried to avoid buying games or accessories for my PS4 since it's a PS4, but last week I broke down and bought Madden 24 since it was on sale for $29.99. I know the game is ass, but I fucking love playing people online and wanted to play with the new rosters. I love the chess-match of play-calling. There's nothing like outsmarting a stranger by pressing buttons. Plus there were rumblings of this year being better, which I believed like a fool. Sure, mini-games are back (which is something), but for the most part, it's the same version as last year with updated rosters and a different button for accelerated clock (ftr I don't love that change).

The whole reason I'm banging out this quicky-blog during my free period (apart from needing to write; #HireDozo) is complain about one of the game's more notable changes. As I typed that, I scoffed to myself like "actually, it's not notable at all" and that's the fucking problem! EA changed the chyron scorebug.

Here's a random screenshot of Madden 24 gameplay taken from google images. It could be from PS4, but the system isn't what matters here. I'm here to bash the scorebug. ​What is this? A play clock for ants?!?

Image Source

Last year's scorebug wasn't anything to write home about, but at least the play clock wasn't hidden away like a dimebag in your high school bedroom.

Image Source

Hopefully this doesn't come across as an old man yelling at clouds blog. I know our senses weaken over time, but seriously...this shit is just too fucking small man. Not only is it small, but it's tucked away. At least before it was clearly the last thing on the bug. I'm not saying it needs to be the size of the font on your dad's iPhone, but come on EA! Assuming you're not sitting inches away from your screen, even on a modest 42 inch TV (I have a 55 in my room) as opposed to a screenshot on a blog, it's not easy to find.

​These pictures were initially taken to show off the glitch that makes kicking almost impossible, but with Madden being Madden, they also showcase the microscopic play clock.

That's literally all I've got. Not every blog is a home run, but this has been a major thorn in my side since I started playing again last week that had to be addressed. Yes, I'm 15 games over .500, but that's not what this blog is about. Nobody cares that my (DEFENDING CHAMPION) fantasy team has won 8 in a row, either. I just want EA to put a little effort into this product, not make us play Where's Waldo when we come back to our game after sending a text or changing the YouTube video.

I've listened to this song at least 39 times this week and love St. Vincent (Annie Clark) v much. I wish it didn't take me so long to fall in love with her music, but I feel like I've made up for it over the past 2 years. She currently holds 4 of the top 51 spots on my Apple Music most 100 played songs of of 2023.

This performance gets me everytime. Also, I'm incredibly attracted to her Daddy's Home persona. I'd take the Benzo Beauty Queen in a heartbeat!

P.S.

I've been at least 50 of this version's < 1000 views.

Image Source

Yes, you read that headline that I'm feeling iffy about correctly. For the first time since 1989, an Arizona Cardinal Tight End registered 100 receiving yards in a single professional football game. Congratulations to Trey McBride for breaking the streak!

This milestone is a huge deal for niche stat guys. One of my boys even hit me up for this momentous occasion. For a hot second, I thought I ran into some box last night but forgot, and he was congratulating me.

Before today, the last Cardinals TE to post over 100 receiving yards was Rob Awalt on November 9th, 1989. Back then, they were known as the "Phoenix Cardinals," I was -2 years old, and Milli Vanilli was one of the hottest acts on Earth.

Everybody knows I unironically LOVE Milli Vanilli.

In 2021, Maxx Williams had 94 yards for the Cards, which brought this jaw-dropping stat into the mainstream. Shocked by its improbability (at the time, the Texans had the 2nd longest streak w/o a 100-yard TE, which dated back to 2013), I dove deep into this topic in a blog entitled ​A Deep Dive into the Futility of Arizona Cardinal Tight End Production that further broke down the Cardinals' lack of Tight End success. No bias...it's worth the read. 

Maxx Williams' 94 yards in 2021 was not just a close call to triple digits; it was also the most by a Cardinals TE since Awalt went off for a buck-oh-five in '89. So, not only did it take until today for a Cardinals TE to eclipse 100 yards, but from November 9th 1989-September 19th, 2021, no Cardinals TE went over 90 yards.

These weren't empty, meaningless garbage time yards, either. With Kyler Murray back, the Cardinals won just their 2nd game of the year (which is HUGE for the Pats in their hunt for the top draft pick), and McBride's grab that set up the game-winning field goal also put him over the century mark.

Even though I have zero faith in their head coach, maybe brighter days are ahead for the Cardinals? Trey McBride is low key already one of their best TEs of the past 30 years. In week 8, he had 10 receptions for 95 yards. Now that the streak is over, watch him put up back-to-back 100 yard games, similar to when the Tampa Bay Buccaneers ended their 0-26 streak with TWO straight wins to close out the 1977 season (as all my readers remember so well).

P.S.

​Here's a little something for the nerds.

Double P.S.

Trey McBride is the first player in NFL history to have two moms. What a great day for the lesbian mother community. You helped end a 34-year streak! Think about where gay rights were 34 years ago (hopefully the Fascist right doesn't do more to send society back 340 years). Also, it's kinda wild that "bride" is in his last name...I wonder if that's on purpose?

Tonight's SOD (the Billboard #1 song of 1989) plays directly into my next blog.

I turn 32 next month, and my younger sister just had her first kid (s/o Ro) about two months ago, so the external pressure to reproduce is a tad elevated. It's not that I wouldn't love to have children someday; I'm just much more worried about simply getting some and our country not becoming a fascist theocracy.

Also, I'm nowhere close to ready for fatherhood. Despite my size, I'm internally like 26. I had an ubah passenger during Halloweekend that thought I was in college. Maybe if I met a smart, silly, sexy pop-punk princess in herlate 20s/early 30s that can afford raising a kid, then sure, I'd be down for tryna make a lil Dozo, but until then, I'm focusing on saving the world one Instagram story at a time.

Besides, I recently discovered some information about newborn babies, and it's one of the most mind-blowing things I've ever heard. I cannot wrap my head around it. I don't know how I went nearly 32 years without learning this information. Okay, here it goes. Did you know newborn babies can't drink fucking water? Yes, WATER…you know…that one thing necessary to sustain all life. Yeah, these sleepy poop machines can't even have a lil bit of Poland Springs without "dying" until they're like six months old. Unreal. But zygotes are people. Gottttt it! No cap you're not viable until you can drink water without there being a serious risk of it KILLING YOU.

I'm no scientist, but I guess I can grasp the whole "their bodies simply aren't developed enough to handle water" thing, but that just still seems so fucking stupid. Can these newborns be any more helpless? Is this why the infant mortality rate until, let's call it 1920, was like 48%?? How can you be alive and not be able to drink water????? I've taken multiple sips of water in the time it's taken me to write these three paragraphs, and honestly, I could use another one. Of course, I am not the ideal human specimen to use as an example for leading a healthy lifestyle, but it's kind of wild to think I've had enough water in the past five minutes to kill multiple babies.

I'd like to assume this information is common knowledge for parents and caretakers of infants, but I've met an alarmingly high number of Americans who thought Rhode Island was part of New York so you can't be too sure. It's astonishing how uninformed the general population is. There are plenty of stupid people with children. Just look at any school board meeting in a red state. Moms for Liberty, more like Qunts for Fascism. 

If you're like me and were curious as to why water is as dangerous around a baby as Casey Anthony, apparently, it has to do with regulating sodium levels. 

Source: Hackensack Meridian Health

• Water would fill them up. Babies have tiny stomachs, so everything that they consume needs to be nourishing. Water would fill their stomach without calories or nutrients, crowding out essential nutrition.
• Babies may be at risk of water intoxication. When young babies drink water, it dilutes the levels of sodium in their blood. This dip in sodium may cause drowsiness, confusion or seizures.
• Babies already get enough water. They don't drink plain water, but breast milk and baby formula are mostly water. These beverages contain the nutrients that growing babies need to develop properly.

I hope this doesn't turn out to be some blog where all of my loyal readers are like…really Dozie? You didn't know this? 

I mean, why would I? I don't have any kids and am a water ambassador. I love water. I literally cannot live without it. I've known about the "soft spot" and not to shake the baby since I was like eight years old after one of my cousins was born. How did I know that and hold onto it ever since, but not know that babies can't drink water? I cannot emphasize enough how irrationally upset this makes me. Babies being unable to drink water is about as much of a mind-fuck as the sun being 93 MILLION miles away but too much exposure to it can kill you. Unless you use a lot of this cream. Like wtf, dude?

As blown-away I am by the fact, I'm just as shocked that I didn't know. Maybe I'm crazy (keep your answer to yourself), but learning this information has *21 Savage voice* really fucked me up. What other essential keys to life do I not know? This ordeal opened up a new stream of self-doubt that I didn't know existed. Is DMB's "Don't Drink The Water" actually a children's song?

I never thought DOL would be passing out baby survival tips, but a lot has changed since I started this publication in 2016.

​I'm super infatuated with this whole babies can't drink water thing, and it caused me to do a little more research. According to the same source that explained why babies don't fuck with h2o, here's how much they can handle once that day when they can finally wet their whistle comes. 

Once your baby is six months old, it's okay for them to have some water. But it's important to limit how much water they drink.
The American Academy of Pediatrics' daily water recommendations are:

• For babies six to 12 months: ½ to 1 cup (4 to 8 ounces)
• For babies 12 to 24 months: 1 to 4 cups (8 to 32 ounces)

These recommendations are for total daily intake, not for intake at one sitting. Start by giving 6-month-old babies 2 ounces of water at a sitting.
It's okay if your baby doesn't drink 2 ounces of water at a time. Some babies prefer a few sips of water here and there throughout the day.

So, today's lesson is simple. If you see a baby under six months old, do not give them any water. Even if they look thirsty. It's essentially the same thing as giving them gasoline. Nothing in life makes sense. Just be nice to people and don't even fuckin' think about giving a four-month old some water.

I'm blogging during my free period with my phone as a mobile hotspot, hoooorayyyy!!! #HireDozo

Also, I fucking love Paramore, this album and Hayley Williams. After Pearl Jam, P-more is right up there atop my bucket list of bands/artists (that actually still together) that I neeeeed to see live before my life ends someday, likely prematurely lol jk pov.

P.S.

Here's my impromptu top 5 bucket list of bands/artists I need to see live.

1. Pearl Jam
2. Paramore
3. St. Vincent
4. Thundercat
5. Olivia Rodrigo (fr lol, i fucking love her)