Editors Note: It's been wayyyyy too long since Ole Dozo got behind the keyboard. I'm happy to let you know that I am still v much alive, even though my current job may kill me. Not kidding about that. Low key worried some thug kid may come in one day and kill my "fat-cracker ass". People will look back at this Editors Note like my John Lennon moment. (that's such a good fucking reference, look it up if you aren't well-rounded enough to get it).
Not to make excuses, because if there's one thing I'm not it's an excuse guy, buuuuuuutt, I simply haven't had the time nor energy to write as much as I'd like lately. Let me tell you, teaching when you don't know how to be a teacher is not easy! When you mix in the lack of television access that I currently have a guest in my uncle's house I've just been out of touch with reality lately. Teaching and preparing for teaching has consumed no less than 93% of my time since I got down here. That includes sleep. I get maybe 3 hours a night because I'm so stressed from this hell-hole that is technically considered a school, but that's for another blog. All I know from the limited tv I've watched recently is that Hurricanes and hurricane relief is hotter in the streets than those hideous squiggly line eyebrows on IG and that I fucking hate Tucker Carlson.
But I'm having kids do a make-up test tomorrow so I have some time to kill, and figured what the hell. Let's do a blog or two to see if I still got it. (Obviously I do, I'm fucking hilarious, Dave [Portnoy] if you're reading this I can start tomorrow.)
"If it tastes good, it probably isn't good for you" is a line I've been told my entire life. While plenty of people eat salads, if they tell you that they enjoy them they're a bigger liar than Fletcher Reede. That's why salad dressing is a thing. You don't love salad, you love ranch. While pizza, burritos and cheeseburgers are what I imagine Heaven tastes like, eating exclusively pizza, burritos and burgers is a great way to make sure you end up in Heaven earlier than expected.
As a man with well-documented weight issues, I know how temptation can be a bigger bitch than Karen Filippelli and sometimes you just give in. I mean look at me, in the last like 18 months I gained, lost, and gained back about 439 pounds, so I get, food is awesome. (Sometimes when the random thought about dying crosses my head I get extra sad because it means I won't be able to eat anymore)
I try to be smart (when I can/feel like it) with calorie intake. Listed calories on restaurant boards have made me way less likely to get fast food. Doesn't stop me entirely, but it sure does a great job of making me feel like an even bigger piece of shit for eating Sonic. There's other obvious things you can to not be a complete piece of shit food-wise. Like we know you can't eat a pint of regular ice cream every night, I know you can't eat a pint of regular ice cream every night. Well, I mean you can but you'll end up looking like this:
Which leads me to the topic of Halo Top Ice Cream.
It has taken the guilt out of eating a pint of ice cream. Before eating a pint of ice cream was reserved for drowning in your sorrows after a horrible day. It was also a way to say, "I'm giving up on today being a healthy day". There's no way you can bounce back from a casual 1200 calorie snack. But now, you could theoretically eat a pint of ice cream and still have a healthy calorie level day.
It just doesn't make sense to me, like space travel or women. I'm fucking on to you, Halo Top.
While I know it's not "healthy". Something has to be up with this stuff. Pints of ice cream that are under 400 calories that actually taste pretty fucking good cannot exist without some sort of negative repercussion. 95% of the time food is either low calorie, or tastes good. The two are basically mutually exclusive. Like a plain grilled chicken sandwich is close to 400 calories, but you're gonna tell me a pint of vanilla ice cream that all things considered, tastes p good is only 280?
It just doesn't compute.
I might not be the smartest guy alive, but I do know this isn't going to end well. I know when something is too good to be true, it usually is. Every time I eat Halo Top I really am just accepting the fact that this will probably make me go blind, give me some sort of strange cancer in 30 years or make me grow a fucking tail.
I can still remember the first time this beautiful product was brought to my attention. I saw an ad on Instagram in late July when I still was back the Ocean State and like Jack Buck after Kirk Gibson's pinch-hit walk-off home run in the 1988 World Series, I can't believe what I just saw! A pint of peanut butter ice cream that is only 320 calories, as opposed to normal 1320. I mean when you show me something like that, you're basically stealing from me, because you're getting money from me whether I want to give it to you or not. Immediately looked up where I could find Halo Top. because that is part of growing up, you google where you can buy something instead of just taking your chances like some jamoke. Luckily for me CVS carried them, so I went to CVS that night.
I was kind of put-off by how it was like 7 bucks for a pint of ice cream, I mean let's not forget back then I was a lowly pizza man. I had to think twice about dropping $7 for some ice cream. But I figured that's the premium you gotta pay for such a product, and I swear this blog isn't a paid ad, but it was wellll worth the price. At the local Wal-mart down the street from me in TN it's only $3.88 a pint which is a fucking problemmmmm for your boy.
Now I'm not going to sit here and act like Halo Top is as good as normal ice cream, because it's not. Nothing will beat normal ice cream, but I'll tell you what, depending on the flavor, if you let Halo Top melt for like 12 minutes, it tastes pretty damn close to the real thing. I'd say if Brickley's ice cream is a 9/10 Halo Top is probably a soft 7. While I have looked at the nutritional facts and realized it has about half of the daily recommended cholesterol for a day, that doesn't really deter me, and is isn't necessarily the too good to be true part that will eventually kill us all. I mean after all, isn't there a good cholesterol? Who's to say they aren't talking about that? All I know is that this Halo Top craze isn't going to end well for me and everybody else who is hooked on this stuff. Either the creator of it is a diddler and we're just funding his Neverland Ranch like estate or is gives you cancer. There's no way someone just invented low calorie ice cream that doesn't suck.
P.S. quick power rankings of Halo Top flavors (have only tried about 5)
3. Vanilla Bean (240 calories)
2. Birthday Cake (280 calories)
1. Cookies and Cream (320 calories)
Song of the Day September 21st
Artist: hippo campus
Album: Warm Glow
C.C. Sabathia is Triggered AF
New York Yankees pitcher CC Sabathia unleashed a string of profanities at the rival Red Sox during the first inning of Thursday's 6-2 win over Boston, and again afterwards while speaking to the media.
Sabathia, who has battled knee and conditioning issues for years, objected to a bunt attempt by Red Sox infielder Eduardo Nunez, a former Yankee, and ultimately ended the first frame by cursing at the opposing dugout. Later Sabathia told reporters that Boston 'tried to take the weak road' by testing his ability to field his position. The 37-year-old veteran's surgically-repaired right knee recently flared up in August, forcing him onto the disabled list for 10 days. Afterwards, the normally mild-mannered Sabathia refused to stand down.
'I don't give a f*** about their reaction,' he said when asked of any possible retaliation from the Red Sox. 'I don't care what they have to say. I'm out there early every day. If they've got something to say, we can meet in centerfield.
Wahhhhhhh I'm C.C. Sabathia and an opponent tried to make me field my position and it hurt my feelings because I'm a fat, alcoholic.
Give me a fucking break.
First off what a soft way to say he's been a fat fuck his entire career (I'm allowed to say that as a fat guy) that he's "battled knee and conditioning issues" like no, the dude just loves to eat. I don't blame him, food is awesome. But let's not act like he's Jon Lester battling back from cancer. He's a fat dude who's injury issues have all been because of his weight.
In case you didn't hear C.C. Sabathia, who is 4-0 with a minuscule (unlike him) 1.04 era against the Red Sox this season is butthurt that the Sox tried to use a short coming of his (fielding his position) to their advantage. He's fat, and old and can't field so the Red Sox Eduardo Nunez knowing that bunted against him in the first inning last night and C.C. had this to say post game:
It's p crazy. This is probably the first time in sport's history that a team tried to take advantage of an opponent's short comings. C.C. probably thinks all those times team's fouled Shaq to put him on the free-throw line, they were actually doing it because they felt bad that he was such a shitty foul shooter that they thought he could use the practice. How nice of them.
I just don't understand the logic that this guy has. It's fucking pro sports dude, as Herm Edwards said "you play to win the game". Have you ever watched football before? Ever notice how team's will throw at back-up corners after a star goes down with an injury? There's a reason for that. They're attacking a less talented player. Same reason why in pick-up basketball faster guys will try to get me isolated so they can drive right by me for an easy lay-up. You take whatever advantages you can to win.
Just such a loser mentality by this chump. Like you won dude, you pitched well, and you've had the Red Sox number all year. Be happy and excited about that. They tried to switch things up in attempts to win. What ass-holes! Sorry they hurt your feelings! Don't worry, there's a post-game buffet to cheer you up!!!
I just don't get how as a pro athlete you are saying this. You should understand that better than anybody, you do whatever it takes to win, especially against an opponent who's been dominating you all season.
The best part of the whole ordeal is what Jim Rice had to say about this:
I love this take because the Hall of Famer is 100% right.
If you think this is "fat shaming" you can kick rocks too. He's a pro athlete who's size has hindered him in his career. Those are just facts.
As a fat guy I am pro "fat shaming". We should be fat shamed, it's not okay to be fat. I hate being fat, but then I also love pizza, so at the end of the day, I need to be held responsible for my decisions. I hate when you see some 450 pound chick saying "she's embraced her curves" like bitch those aren't curves, those are rolls, and you're a whale. It's never okay to be that big. Nobody should be 400 pounds unless they're like 8 feet tall. As someone who was pushing 4 bills last year I know that better than most. Nothing good comes from being that big. Also C.C. Sabathia is a pro "athlete" who's made over 240 million bucks in his career, let's not cry because someone told him the truth. I think he's heard a lot worse.
Plus what Jim Rice said is 100% true, if he took better care of himself this wouldn't be an issue. If you were offended by what he said you're part of what's wrong with this country.
After nearly a month away from my baby, dozonlife.com, I'm happy to announce that Ole Dozo is back like a herpes flare up to fill you in on the future of your favorite typo-ridden blog.
First and foremost:
To all the people who have been reading what I've been writing for the last year and a half I cannot thank you enough. I know I have a lot of "friends" who aren't supportive of the blog, and that just shows their true colors, much like how this move has. But there are handfuls of people who kept up to date with DOL. I just want to let you know how much that has meant to me. Obviously this whole blog was set up to be my portfolio for Barstool Sports, to hopefully get noticed and get a shot at the big leagues. But you guys have been my audience for the last 18+ months and I cannot express how much it means to me to know that you've stuck around and care enough to see what I have to say about things. I really hope I've been able to entertain you over that time period. That's truly all I want, to make people's day better. If I can have a funny blog that makes someone feel a little less shitty on a given day, to me that's the best feeling in the world. If one of my more serious pieces, or just run of the mill sport blogs taught you something, or really made you think, that's incredible as well. I just want to make an impact somehow during my time on this planet. I can't lie, at time's (every day) it would get really frustrating when I felt like I was making some good content that went unnoticed, but I know there was a group of people who kept up to date with the blog, and to you guys, I really cannot express my appreciation enough.
If you're unaware of why I've been away for a while, allow me to bring you up to speed:
As much as I love blogging, and in my heart of hearts believe it's what I was put on this earth to do, it was not paying the bills. I'm getting closer to 26 by the day (no shit, Doz that's how time works) and needed a legitimate job. I couldn't be 26 delivering pizzas, tbh I shouldn't have been 24 delivering pizzas. I just needed something full-time with benefits.
I applied to some teaching jobs in Nashville, mainly because there were no prospects in Rhode Island, and I figured if I'm gonna have to teach I might as well do it in a cool ass city (plus I have family here so it made the move a little easier). Also I just had to get out of RI. As much as I love my home state, there were some reasons I just had to get away.
Everything happened so quickly. I applied on August 3rd, got a call on the 7th to be down in Tennessee for the 10th, had my interview, came back on the 11th, worked my final shifts at DB's, then started driving to Tennessee with my dad on the 17th. I went from no prospects of a job for the fall at all, to packing up and moving to Tennessee in two weeks.
Simply put I've had no time to blog. I've been teaching the last two weeks, trying to get my head above water at this school. I've never felt more overwhelmed in my entire life. Dropped into the school two weeks into the year with no prep, no orientation, nothing. I feel like I've been asked to put out a five-alarm fire with a dixie-cup full of water. Frankly it's been fucking horrible, I haven't had a good day since I got down here. I've come home crying thinking I've made the biggest mistake of my life multiple times. To say it's been a tough transition, would be like saying September 11th was an inconvenience for people trying to get to work. I just haven't had the time or energy to do what I truly love, and that is write (even if you think I'm not good at it).
Luckily for me, since I'm kind of sick right now, school was cancelled today due in part to some flooding in Nashville. Nothing even close to how bad Harvey has been in Houston, but enough to shut down some streets and turn Labor Day weekend into a 4 day break.
I figured now would be as good a time as ever to do some writing and fill you guys in. While I'm not going to be able to blog as much as I would like, especially during these first few months at this school while I get my barrings, I know writing and making content is what I want to do. I haven't even been able to follow Barstool as much as I'd like. Honestly because it hurts me to read and watch stuff when I know deep down I should be there. I had a phone interview with Tex don't forget, created @URIprobs and Big Cat has liked/favorited like 30 of my tweets so that's gotta be worth something. I know I have what it takes. I just need the chance. There people employed by Barstool who I'm funnier than and that's a fact. Teaching for two weeks has just solidified what I have known since I was a junior in college, that this is not what I want to do for the rest of my life. I'm gonna keep writing in my spare time because I know that this isn't how I want to spend the rest of my life. It is truly just a job to provide for myself.
So I guess that's it, I'm gonna try to find time to write when I can, hopefully it's some good stuff that can get me noticed. Again thanks for the support reading my blog up until now. This will not be the last time you hear from your friend Doz.
Song of the Day September 1st
Artist: Nothing But Thieves
Album: Broken Machine