via: stereogum
Last year Talking Heads shocked everyone by reuniting for a series of promotional appearances behind A24's restoration of their 1984 concert film Stop Making Sense. Of course everyone wanted to know if the band members, who haven't performed together since their Rock And Roll Hall Of Fame induction in 2002 and haven't toured in forty years, would be playing shows now that they're on speaking terms. Sources now tell Billboard that the group has turned down an $80 million offer from Live Nation to headline six to eight festival gigs and headlining concerts.
Coachella was also interested in a Talking Heads reunion. Festival curator and Goldenvoice president Paul Tollett tells Billboard that he traveled to the Toronto International Film Festival to discuss the potential of a performance with Talking Heads, but "sensed there were no shows happening, so I didn't make an offer."
In 2022 I wrote a blog Top 10 Bands That Need to Grow Up, Reunite, and Tour Again, and Talking Heads took home the bronze!
When the RISD-rooted quartet recently reunited for some speaking engagements to discuss the 40th anniversary of Stop Making Sense, people (me) started getting their hopes up that we'd maaaybe get this once-in-a-lifetime reunion that fans and humanity in general could use.
Part of me is like, why do you even care, bro? It's not like you'd be able to afford to see any of these potential shows as a millennial (which is true), but it's the principle! I know the blogging numbers haven't been where they should be, but I hope you all still know that the hashtag good guy wants a world where as many people as possible (all of them) are living their best wild wild life (I'm one of those big pussies who believes in peace). Can we please have some cool shit going on before we're all dead for eternity? Like this needs to happen. Art is essential for humanity to not be so fucking dreary, and Talking Heads are the ultimate art band. It's sooooo ridiculous that they're all still kicking, have this opportunity and aren't making it work. Where the fuck is Tim Gunn when you need him? I'm not gonna take the obvious angle and be like, how do you turn down 80 million for a handful of shows? I'm sure they all have something better going on lol...Let's pretend there's "no number," but the thing is, there's always a number. You're a liar if you say otherwise. There's a number. What's it gonna take? Cause I have a great idea that works for all potential parties. ICYMI: Mark Zuckerberg, and some other tech CEOs got griiiiillled like Michael Scott's foot today by Congress for some of the unethical issues with their social media platforms.
I almost feel bad for Zuck. He was literally and figuratively taking hits left and right.
I didn't see much more of the footage of the hearing than that clip and Tom Cotton being a racist moron, looking like Droopy the dog, but I'd imagine Zuck didn't say anything like, "Senator, where's this energy for school shootings? You're on a road to nowhere there," cause I definitely would've heard and likely wouldn't have birthed this potential Talking Heads-Mark Zuckerberg mash-up. How can you say you're worried about "the safety of young people" with a straight face when you do nothing about them getting mowed down in schools? If Zuck's not gonna do anything about that, then at least he has an opportunity to get some good press here. Dude, you're worth 141.5 BILLION dollars. Get in a room with Talking Heads, and don't leave until you figure out how to make this tour happen! Stream some of the shows on Facebook and IG. â
Nothing says, "My bad for the algi (that's algorithm for the olds) that made your kid hang themselves," like being the person who got the fucking Talking Heads back together to perform for a bunch of influencers at Coachella that only know "This Must Be the Place" from TikTok.
Be a human animal one time and create something awesome that literally millions (if not billions) can enjoy. Do it for the influencers and rich, cool grandparents, Zuck! Think of the 1%. Or you could go full send into getting the public to like you again and pay Talking Heads whatever they ask for, make the concert FREE, and stream it on your platforms so you can still make some ad money. That won't even be like a quarter of a percent of your net worth, bro. I think I just became a PR guy.
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Song: Burning Down the House Artist: Paramore Album: Everybody's Getting Involved: A Tribute To Talking Heads' Stop Making Sense (2024) We all know Dozie loves a good cover song (but has little to no respect for one-hit wonders whose lone hit was a cover...I'm looking at you, The Artaris). Hayley absolutely crushes this. She's got Greg Maddux-level (vocal) control. Her voice fits perfectly. I know over a dozen artists are attached to this project, but can we please get Paramore (or The 1975...they'd kill it, too) to do a shot-for-shot remake of Stop Making Sense? They've got me hungry for Para-more. I'm still riding high from my divisional round picks, going 4-0 and finally hitting a nice lil SGP (+1038), but every real football fan knows that is a bittersweet day. As SNL reminded us last night, football is almost over. Today, two teams will punch their tickets to Vegas for Super Bowl Dozo (58), and before you know it, you'll get your Sundays back, but there will be a Scott Hanson-sized hole in your heart. We've got two great (on paper) matchups with plenty of narratives and X-factors. We're getting v close to kickoff, so let's get to the games. AFC Championship Game: (3) Kansas City Chiefs vs. (1) Baltimore Ravens. M&T Bank Stadium. 3:00 PM. CBS & Paramount+. Despite the Ravens' success, this is the first AFC Championship Game in Baltimore since 1971, when the Baltimore Colts beat the Oakland Raiders. R.I.P. both franchises playing in those cities. We can break down X's and O's all you want. You want me to tell you the 2023 Ravens only give up 16.5 PPG (which was the best in the league)? You got it. The Chiefs defense is no slouch either, yielding the 2nd fewest PPG in the league at 17.3. That's all well and good, but we all know this game is all about the quarterbacks. Will likely MVP Lamar Jackson make enough plays against a tough Chiefs D? Are Patrick Mahomes' pass catchers not named Travis Kelce and Rashee Rice gonna let perfect passes slip through their fingertips? It's gonna be a wet and windy game, which is not ideal for bad WRs. Both teams have strong running games, although Pacheco is banged up. I love both kickers hitting over 1.5 FGs. I already have that in an SGP with a Lamar rushing TD, at least one Gus Edwards reception and Kelce recording a 21+ yard reception. Chiefs G Joe Thuney is out and will miss his first career playoff game, which does not bode well for KC. Even if they pull off the "upset" today, he'll likely miss the Super Bowl. Mark Andrews is set to return for the Ravens, and even though he's an All-Pro caliber player with three pro bowl berths, he's the biggest X-factor in this game. If the Ravens can get a classic Mark Andrews game, like 6 catches for 80-something yards and a tuddy, we might get saved from yet another Chiefs Super Bowl appearance. IMO, it's a good ole fashioned head vs. heart matchup. My head says the Ravens are the best team in football, but my heart says Patrick Mahomes. Anytime you can get Mahomes at plus money, you have to take it (which I am going to). I hope whoever wins this game gets killed by the NFC champs, but the fix may be in. When Shawn Smith is the head ref, road teams win about 10% more than usual. It doesn't take a master in conspiracies to know the NFL would rather have the Chiefs in the Super Bowl to get the Taylor Swift audience. Stavvy baby and Michael Phelps don't quite move the needle the same way. Chiefs 30 Ravens 27 NFC Championship Game: (3) Detroit Lions vs. (1) San Francisco 49ers. Levis Stadium. 6:30 PM. FOX. The Lions are the only team left without an elite defense, which worries me against perhaps the most loaded offense in the league. Deebo's playing, but luckily for Detroit, Brock Purdy is still the 49ers QB. Don't let the hype and feel-good storyline fool you. He's just a guy. He's a solid game manager, but last week showed us both sides of the Purdy coin. The 49ers should win this game, but the Lions are live af. It wouldn't shock me if Purdy struggled.
If I were Dan Campbell, I'd want the ball first. Go down, score, and put the heat on San Fran immediately. SF is built to play with a lead and doesn't get run on a bunch because of this. The Lions have a two-headed monster in the backfield, so if they're in a spot where they don't have to abandon the running game, we could be primed for the upset. Both teams are full of lovable dudes that I'd like to see win rings, and while it's lame to go with the favorite, these Niners are too good. The Lions have been an awesome story and if they prove me wrong I won't be upset at all, but unless Purdy throws three picks, the Niners should take care of business. At this point, CMC is like -4000 to score a touchdown, but I wouldn't be shocked to see him find the endzone multiple times tonight. I'm debating taking Lions +7, but probably just gonna go the prop route. Sorry I rushed this blog and am feeling self conscious about its quality, but today we're more concerned with hitting some parlays. Also, don't forget that 49ers ROOKIE kicker Jake Moody has been shaky at times this season and his entire family is Lions fans. I'm not saying he's gonna throw the game, but the human brain is a weird thing...what if it comes down to him late and he just can't be the one who kills the Lions. 49ers 34 Lions 30 Song: Beautiful People (Stay High) Artist: The Black Keys Album: Ohio Players This is the "Lonely Boy" video concept on steroids (laced with acid). I hope you Beautiful People (Stay high) on this Conference Championship Sunday. Whomstever wins the NFCCG is who I want to win the Super Bowl.
8,900 bets over 13 months is about 22 bets a day. Those numbers aren't that crazy for a full slate of the NFL or college ball, but to keep that up for 13 months is bananas. Is this why Kayshon Boutte couldn't get on the field last year despite the Patriots having one of the worst wide receiver rooms in NFL history? The conspiracy wheels in my brain are starting to turn. What if that's the real reason Belichick got fired? He knew but didn't say anything.
Of course, that's fucking lunacy, and Isaiah Likely not what happened. Kayshon Boutte isn't a talent you're going to put your job on the line for, but MAYBE someone at the Patriots knew about this because apparently, people at LSU did, according to this tweet I blindly embedded.
Plenty of hardos and selective rule-lovers will get down on this dude for placing nearly 9,000 "illegal bets," I don't think he should spend a day in jail. Louisiana probably just wants the money to put into their book-burning budget. Don't get me wrong, you should not be allowed to bet on a game you're participating in. Of course, that puts the integrity of the game at risk, but it looks like he's been arrested for placing these bets as a minor. Sports gambling is legal in Louisiana.
This all just seems so hypercritical. What city is the Super Bowl in this year?
What stadium does Louisiana's own New Orleans Saints call home?
Have you watched a football game in the last four years? There's at least one gambling commercial during every break. I bet in three years the yellow first down line (which is not official) will be sponsored by BetMGM or Draft Kings.
Say what you want about Kayshon's "crime," but there's no denying the man can gamble. That's a solid roll-over.
I don't care that Boutte is on the Patriots. Shaving points is wrong, and there's an obvious conflict of interest, but I think it's a waste of resources to go after this guy when there's actual crime to worry about (especially in Louisiana). I'm not condoning his actions. Like, what the fuck were you thinking?
Dude might as well have robbed a bank with a name tag on like he's at speed dating.
Whether it be the law or the league (maybe both) laying down the punishment for Kayshon, both are talking out of both sides of their mouth with sports betting. I bet some books already have odds on whether or not Boutte will play another down in the NFL. "Yes" has to be at least +350, right? Hasn't this guy already been through enough? If you get crushed betting on hitting your own player-props that wipe out any potential jail time or fine.
Twitter (I refuse to call it X) is in the toilet, but stories like this are where that old bird shows she can still look as good as she did back in college.
Song: Neon Pill (2024) Artist: Cage The Elephant Album: TBD I'm pumped to see/hear Cage The Elephant is making new music. They're one of those bands that doesn't get the love they deserve even tho they've sneaky been in the game for like 15ish years now (Cage's Unpeeled album is mesmerizingly fantastic; it's still in my rotation), like "Ain't No Rest For the Wicked" came out when I was in high school. I saw them open for the Black Keys in 2014, aka a decade ago...like wtf. Me and my boys went to The Fours (R.I.P.) before the show after publically smoking joints on the way there. I was sooooo fucking scared. 10 years ago there was an actual threat of jail for a little reefer. Now, the highway is littered with competing cannabis ads. P.S.
The Pats played the Raiders the day of that show and we had to listen to the game on the radio on the way. Now that wouldn't be an issue with YoutubeTV in your pocket, but the reason I bring up that game is to remind the loyal DOL readers about VINCE WILFORK's game-sealing interception. Normally, this is more of a year-end blog topic, but we're doing it now on January 23rd (get it?) because the world needs this blog on the record, and I feel guilty for not getting around to it at the end of the year. My bad for getting into a year-end funk and not blogging throughout winter break :( In 2023, five of my top 10 most-played songs on Apple Music were by Steely Dan (I'll tell which ones and where they ranked in this blog's P.S.), but there were some songs that came out last year...I originally typed this year and caught myself...that I enjoyed. I'm a big "discover something way too late, guy," so this list could look different in a few years. Daddy's Home by St. Vincent is one of my favorite albums of the 2020s, and Currents by Tame Impala defined the second half of the 2010s for me; I didn't dive into either until they were over a year old. The goal of DOL is always to be authentic, and these blogs become time capsules of the year that was. These are my top songs of 2023 as of January 23rd, 2024. I limited myself to a two-song max (with one exception) per artist. Without that caveat, this blog would only be Paramore and Olivia Rodrigo. Hopefully, you discover at least one song that you fw (FUCK WITH)! Enough fluff. Let's rock! Honorable Mentions: I love these songs, but as a historian who respects the sanctity of years, their inclusion on this list falls into a grey area. "Now and Then" The Beatles In early November, The Beatles shocked many by releasing (thanks to modern technology) their final song, "Now and Then," which has roots dating back five decades. If I wasn't holding myself to these unnecessary formatting guidelines, "Now and Then" would be in my top 10, maybe even top 5. It brings you on a journey through the lives of the Fab Four and can make a grown man (me) cry. Sure, the music video is sorta creepy, but so is A.I., so the shoe fits. S/O Lorne Michaels for trying, but it's tragic that the Beatles never reunited. I like to believe if John Lennon got to live a full life, they would've, but at least with "Now and Then," there's a new goodbye, even though their music and legacy will live forever. "Lost" Linkin Park Given its lyrical content and how Chester's life ended, it's a shame this song that ended up on the cutting room floor took 20 years to see the light of day. Who knows the conversations it could've started? Still, for people my age (at least for meeee), it brings you back to those feelings of adolescent angst that ultimately evolved into 30-somethings living in a world that seems to be killing itself due to greed and ignorance. Whether it's 2003 or 2023, the themes of "Lost" hit you like Ronnie Lott. "Cruel Summer" Taylor Swift A few months back, I reached out to one of the biggest Swifties I know for clarification about Cruel Summer's origins, and while she did a fantastic job explaining, I'm still sorta confused. I know it came out in 2019, and I don't know if it's Deja Vu or some other phenomenon, but I feel like I heard this song before 2023. Regardless of how long it took to blow up, "Cruel Summer" is a fucking banger, and if you disagree, you're lying to yourself. Not everything T-Swift does is for me, but there's no denying the catchiness of "Cruel Summer" and how fun it is to belt along in your car by yourself or with other humans. I DON'T WANNA KEEP SECRETS JUST TO KEEP YOU!!!! P.S. BIGGEST OF UPS TO ANNIE CLARK (St. Vincent) FOR co-WRITING "Cruel Summer." "Poison Ivy" Tory Lanez As a hashtag good guy, I don't love endorsing a dude who's in jail for shooting Megan Thee Stallion (she's too hot to get shot...wtf), but this song is a straight-up jam piece. In an obvious homage to Michael Jackson (and maybe Bel Biv DeVoe), "Poison Ivy" spreads like a wildfire of funk throughout your entire body. I can't dance, but this shit makes me want to embarrass myself on the dance floor. It's about time New Jack Swing made a comeback! 23. "Welcome to My Island" Caroline Polacheck I'm for sure more into its melodic chorus than the robotic intro/bridge(?), but Apple Music's algi did a great job introducing this "Welcome to My Island" to me. Does Caroline Polachek hail from Pipe City? Cause this chick can let it rip. 22. "The American Dream Is Killing Me" Green Day It's easy to make the "American Idiot" comparisons, but "The American Dream is Killing Me" is a much-needed sequel in times of trouble. Say it with me, loyal DOL reader, "every issue in America roots back to capitalism in some way or another!" No, you're right...my bad...it's a good thing that 80 year olds work at Market Basket. 21. "Back on 74" Jungles I'm so jealous of all these dancers in the video. It's like we aren't even the same species. I wish I could control my body like that. Vibes is one of the most oversaturated words on the internet, but "Back on 74" truly is a vibe. The funky, soulful track transcends genres and is like a downing a shot of dopamine. It's so hard to be unhappy while this song's playing...not impossible, but but it's hard! 20. "Minor Setback" GUM & Ambrose Kenny-Smith I know I'd like King Gizzard and the Lizard Wizard if I dove in, but their discography is too daunting. Those dudes legit drop seven albums a year, and that's barely hyperbole. But a side project? I can get behind a side project. "Minor Setback" is a pure groove. 19. "Feather" Sabrina Carpenter A lot of whatever's hot on pop radio slips through Ole Dozo's cracks, but not this one. Probably because this chick is wicked fucking hot. I never watched Girl Meets World, so it's not weird for me to say that. P.S. S/o the priest who lost his job for letting Sabrina film this video in his church. Of course, THIS is too much for the Catholic Church. 18. "Dance The Night" Dua Lipa Like 80% of the last write-up applies here, except I've known Dua Lipa is a badddddddie since 2016. Ten million memes and tweets already said it, but talk about irony --- Ryan Gosling gets nominated for Barbie, but Greta and Margot don't. Ladies, I'm gonna play the sexism card for you. It's a joke. TBH, I don't know how this song wasn't nominated, either. I think it's a technicality based on something I glanced at earlier. 17. "the BLACK seminole." Lil Yachty I don't know most of his rap catalog, but I love that lil boat is dippin his toes into the psychedelic reefer and other fun and should be legal drugs music waters. the BLACK seminole is seven minutes long and doesn't have any lyrics for the last five, which is kind of ridiculous, but also kinda swag. For the sake of time, I embedded the SNL performance. 16. "Simply Paradise" Mac DeMarco & Ryan Paris I know Mac's dropped like 490 new "songs," but they don't compare to this breezy love song. I need a new REAL Mac album ASAP. P.S. Does anybody else get a Flight of the Conchords vibe from this video? 15. "(O)rdinary" Avenged Sevenfold I lived out a teenage dream last summer and finally saw Avenged Sevenfold live. Unfortunately, we didn't get to hear this live due to the Rev's injury, but I love the risk A7X took going with a synth-centric, almost daft, punky vibe. "(O)rdinary" is the 2nd song in a three-song spurt on Life Is But a Dream... that is really like one song, but I dig this one way more than "G" or "(D)eath." Man, those titles are fucking annoying to type. 14. "Oh No" Iguana Death Cult As a big fan of incorporating horns in rock music, I'm so proud of myself for not skipping this song when Apple Music suggested it. It's so fucking fun. I love how wordy the intro and pre-choruses are, and then the chorus is, "OH NO!" on a loop. 13. "Madman's Eyes" Dave Matthews Band I'm not even sure what instruments I'm hearing, but I fw them. I love the story this song tells as well. 12. "Girls Make Me Wanna Die" The Aces "Girls Make Me Wanna Die" is simply a fun, quick, power pop, lady-love song by one of the most underrated bands in music. 11. "Rescued" Foo Fighters "Rescued" is Foo Fighters' best song in over a decade, but it's a shame it had its inspiration. R.I.P. Taylor and Dave's mom! 10. "Not Strong Enough" boygenius "Spinning out about things that haven't happened," yepppp, that's me and like 50 million other people. I held out on boygenius for a while (their SNL performance sold me), but there's no denying how incredible this song is. All three singers mesh so well, and the message is hashtag-deep with a nice h/t (hat tip) to Sheryl Crow. I think "Not Strong Enough" will stand the test of time and still be loved twenty years from now. Who knows if the same goes for Phoebe Bridgers, but this track deserves all the praise and accolades its earned. 9. "Always Get This Way" The Aces In a just world this would've been a Top 10 hit. I cannot reiterate enough how underrated The Aces are. #9 feels too low. 8. "Figure 8" Paramore Growth is important and this song explains that is much better way than I can. 7. "love is embarrassing" Olivia Rodrigo Livy's getting three songs, and everybody will have to deal with that. TBH, she should have at least four. I can't believe I'm leaving "pretty isn't pretty" off the list, but I guess it loses points because it's not believable that Olivia Rodrigo's ever been in that situation. She's gorgeous and so fucking talented, and hands-down my favorite Gen Zer. Yes, her music is crazy popular and targeted towards a younger audience, but "love is embarrassing" hits hard no matter how old your legal documents say you are. I pride myself on my music tastes and have no shame in telling EVERYBODY that I love Olivia Rodrigo. Much like Daddy's Home and Currents, I was late to her party, but I'm staying until it's uncomfortably late. I cannot wait to hear what Olivia comes out with over the next 20+ years. This tiny desk version of "love is embarrassing" needs to be on streaming platforms. You can tell she’s having so much fun! I love the energy in this performance. 6. "all-american bitch" Olivia Rodrigo Olivia Rodrigo isn't a singer, she's a performer. As the gays and theys say "she's serving" in "all-american bitch." Olivia is a modern-day pop-punk princess with the voice of an angel. 5. "Thin Ice" Cobra Man Technically, "Thin Ice" could fall in the honorable mention category since there's some debate with its year, but the EP came out in 2023, so we're going with that. Excuse me for the rudimentary writing, but "Thin Ice" kicks ass and is just a fantastic Power Disco track for the whole family. 4. "No More Lies" Thundercat & Tame Impala Thundercat and Tame Impala are two of my favorite artists. The fact they're collaborating gives me a little bit of hope for this cruel world. When men this talented team up, you get fantastic music. It's a simple formula, honestly. I know I'm not alone when I say I hope we get an entire Thundercat & Tame Impala album, but if we don't, thankfully, this exists. Now's the time where I wedge in the fact that I had Thundercat tickets for March 21st, 2020. I'm a huge fan, and love how he's got personality, but personally...I can do without the spoken outro. If it weren't for that, "No More Lies" would probably be my top song for 2023. 3. "You First" Paramore" This Is Why is a top 2 album of the year for me. There could easily be like 8 other p-more songs on this list, but "You First" is my favorite. It's jam-packed with energy and vengeance. Hayley Williams is rock goddess. 2. "Cadillac" Cobra Man I fucking love these guys and am lucky enough to have seen them from the pit (twice). Cobra Man is one of the most unique bands in music right now. I don't know how many other Power Disco bands there are, but there can't be many. "Cadillac" sounds like it belongs in an 80s movie car chase or pump-up scene. You gotta play to win! Cadillac was my #2 most-played song this year, but it came out months before #1 1. "ballad of a homeschooled girl" Olivia Rodrigo I was just a 31-year-old public schooled by the first time I ever heard this ballad, but it was still hit close to home (and just straight-up rocks). "ballad of a homeschooled girl" ended up as my 11th most-played song on Apple Music this year, which is pretty impressive considering GUTS came out in September. Between her wordplay and breath control, it's tough to top Olivia Rodrigo right now. Yes, I would trade five years of my life to be her boyfriend for six months. I could get her to fall in love with me during that window. 35 and 23 isn't that wild! I'd even eat strawberry ice cream for you, Liv! P.S.
1. "Don't Take Me Alive" 4. "Doctor Wu" 7. "Barry Town" 8. "Pretzel Logic" 9. "The Caves of Altamira" We're down to the Elite 8 (nfl's version), and hopefully, these matchups will be more compelling than last weekend's. Outside of Lions-Rams, every game was a blowout or blowout adjacent, which is the last thing you want this time of year. I went 3-3 straight up picking winners, but I (almost) always pick against the Chiefs out of spite, so that one basically doesn't count. Divisional Round Weekend is upon us and there's representation from every division except the NFC East, which saw both its teams embarrassingly ousted on Super Wild Card Sunday. It's the dictionary definition of insanity for the Cowboys to bring back Mike McCarthy when Bill Belichick is available. But, we're here to talk about the teams that still have a choice at hoisting the Lombardi in a few weeks. Let's take a look at the matchups and narratives!! I'm at my sister's, so this is blog's gonna be a quicky because I feel guilty stepping away to write this blog. Past years: 2016: 3-1 2017: 2-2 2018: 3-1 2019: 1-1 2020: 2-2 2021: 3-1 2022: 3-1 Saturday, January 20: (4) Houston Texans at (1) Baltimore Ravens (ABC, ESPN) - 4:30 PM ET Going into the season, I never thought the Houston Texans would be a game away from being a game away from the Super Bowl, but here they are. Congrats. Led by rookie QB C.J. Stroud and rookie head coach DeMeco Ryans, Houston's future seems to be bright, but in the immediate future, their surprise run is about to end. Stroud was lights out against the Browns, but Flacco gift-wrapping Houston 14 points made things easier. I wouldn't be shocked if Lamar put one on the ground, but I don't think the Texans can count on back-to-back pick sixes today. Of course, the Ravens have been in an eerily similar situation before. In 2019, Baltimore went 14-2 and earned the AFC's #1 seed. Lamar Jackson was the league's MVP (IMO, he should win again this year), and the Ravens hosted an AFC South team that recently upset a team that won vs. a Super Bowl champion QB in the Wild Card Round. Derrick Henry ran all over those Ravens. Could CJ Stroud pull off another upset? There's pressure on everybody this time of year, but IMO, no team left in these playoffs feels the heat more than Baltimore. The Chiefs aren't the same Chiefs. No Burrow this year. The Bills are banged up. There's a clear path for them to Vegas. They eviscerated the 49ers IN San-ta Fran-clara and are poised to go on a run, but if they were to lose this game to a rookie head coach-QB combo, it'll be a long offseason (did you know the Ravens haven't won a home playoff game since 2012????). Lamar Jackson and his one career playoff win need this. I think he gets it, but the Texans won't be an easy out. Don't be surprised if Likely scores a touchdown. Ravens 38 Texans 24 (7) Green Bay Packers at (1) San Francisco 49ers (Fox) - 8:00 PM ET Jordan Love and the Packers demolished the Cowboys in Jerry World to become the first seven-seed to win a playoff game. This team is so young that they could practice on Epstein Island. I hope the Lions enjoyed their first NFC North Title because the Pack is back, but I don't see them winning this game. If they were to, they'd need Purdy to throw a few picks, which he's been primed to do. The 49ers are the best team in the NFC and, like the Ravens, have a clear path to Vegas. The Packers have the 28th-best run defense in the league (which is bad), and the 49ers have a well-rested Christian McCaffrey. Sometimes, you don't have to think too hard. Of course, the Packers *could* win this game, but I learned in last year's divisional round to trust the 49ers at home against an inferior 9-win team. 49ers 31 Packers 23 Sunday, January 21: (4) Tampa Bay Buccaneers at (3) Detroit Lions (NBC, Peacock, Universo) - 3:00 PM ET These teams met in Tampa in Week 6 and while the Bucs looked fresh in their creamsicle unis, they played like ass, losing 20-6. Of course, that doesn't guarantee a Lion victory, but you have to love this draw for the Lions. They're getting another home playoff game, after none for three decades and it's against the 9-8 Bucs. Last week, Tampa beat up on an already gone Eagles, but these Lions have heart and a coach that you'd run through a brick-wall while on fire for. Ford Field will be rocking. I don't know if Baker's swag is gonna be enough. A poor-Lions pass defense will keep this game close, but I think the Lions find a way to stay alive. It's gonna be a big Gibbs and Montgomery day. Lions 30 Bucs 24 Kansas City Chiefs at Buffalo Bills (CBS, Paramount+) - 6:30 PM ET If the Bills can't get past the Chiefs today, I don't know if they ever will. Yes, they beat them in Arrowhead during the regular season, but those stakes are incomparable to these. If Toney wasn't a bum and knew how to line up, this game could be in KC again, but now Patrick Mahomes is going on the road for the first time in his playoff career.
I want to pick the Bills. I really do. But between a team owned by billionaires not providing food for the fans they pimped out to clean their stadium (instead of hiring professionals...like what the fuck are you doing), a BANGED up defense, and 20+ years of knowing NFL narratives, I'm picking KC. As much as it pains me to say, Mahomes is becoming Brady before our very eyes. This Chiefs run is very similar to the 2011-2018 Pats, and everything points towards a Chiefs slight upset victory. I think Pacheco is gonna have a massive day. The Bills have no linebackers. Josh Allen's gonna turn the ball over three times, and the Chiefs will be in the AFCCG again. Chiefs 23 Bills 20 Song: A Love International (2024) Artist: Khruangbin Album: A LA SALA Best of luck on your Divisional Round wagers! Here's some much needed chill vibes from Khruangbin...I'm pumped they're dropping a new album this year. Thanks to too much snow in Buffalo we've now got three straight days of playoff double-headers. Maybe it's because I have Monday off thanks to the late great Martin Luther King, Jr., but I actually love this change. Now I don't have to worry about waking up for 1 pm on Sunday!!!! I mean, I probably still will, but it's nice to get a little more wiggle room. As a hashtag good guy, I feel for you if you somehow don't have a Federal Holiday to celebrate the life of a civil rights leader that was (likely) killed by the CIA, but it's Steelers-Bills. I'll get to that game later, but it's a 2-7 matchup and the 7 is missing their best player. It's not like they're putting Rams-Lions at 11 am on Tuesday. I need to get this blog out in time so 13 people can read it before kickoff! Let's look at the SUPER Wild Card matchups. If you've interested in seeing how well I've done in years past they're right here. Super Wild Card Saturday AFC: 4:30 p.m. (ET) (5) Cleveland Browns at (4) Houston Texans (NBC) Houston's back in their Saturday afternoon Wild Card Game home way sooner than anybody expected. They're hosting the 11-win Browns, who won IN Houston (without C.J. Stroud) on Christmas Eve. DeMeco Ryans will probably win Coach of the Year, and C.J. Stroud, by default, may already be the best Ohio State QB in NFL history. Cleveland's back in the playoffs for the 2nd time in four seasons and the third time in the 21st century, and damnit, they deserve it. #1 defense, more casualties than G@z@. Joe fucking Flacco may have saved their season. Who would've guessed they're the only Ohio team in the playoffs? I hated Ravens Flacco, but I love Cleveland Joe and want him to lead the Browns to the Super Bowl. That would be one of the coolest stories of all time. Talk about an awesome narrative. His career looked O-V-E-R. Damar Hamlin's not the only guy who came back from the dead. IMO, Flacco should be CPOY. To me, it's all about Joe. Can he protect the football? Cause if so, the Browns are dangerous. Njoku's looking like 2011 Gronk with Flacco. Amari Cooper's been eating (but banged up). Jerome Ford's done a noble job in Nick Chubb's absence. Credit to the Texans for returning to the dance, but I love the Browns in this spot. If they survive today, the Ravens should be V worried. Kevin Stefanski gets his first real playoff win (he had Covid in their win over the Steelers in 2020). Browns 24 Texans 20 AFC: 8:10 p.m. (ET) (6) Miami Dolphins at (3) Kansas City Chiefs (Peacock) T's and P's to anybody without a Peacock sub, but this is what you get living in a capitalist society!!! If you think this is the last time you'll see a playoff game behind a paywall, you are sadly mistaken. I'm sure Prime will find their way to finagle a way into broadcasting a playoff game, but I'm pretty excited for this matchup—Miami's #1 offense (yards) vs. Kansas City's #2 defense. We've got a potential Ice Bowl 2.0 with not nearly the same stakes but plenty of narratives!! Did you know Tyreek Hill used to catch passes, return kicks, and abuse children while donning a Kansas City Chiefs uniform? You may have heard that despite winning the Super Bowl without him last year, the Chiefs sure could use Tyreek this year. They've dropped more balls than a state full of 7th-grade boys, making Mahomes look like a mere mortal with stupid hair. The weather worries me for both teams, but Pacheco and his choppy steps will love it. I don't know what to think about this matchup. The weather is the ultimate wild card on this Super Wild Card Saturday night. Tua is terrible in the cold, and this game has a chance to be like Ice Bowl cold. These Chiefs stink, but with Patrick Mahomes, you're never out of it. Miami has never lost a playoff game to Kansas City, and even though that stat means nothing for this matchup, I'm sticking with it. I could see a few balls bouncing off Chiefs' hands and turning into interceptions. Miami pulls off the upset. Dolphins 26 Chiefs 23 Super Wild Card Sunday NFC: 4:30 p.m. (ET) (7) Green Bay Packers at (2) Dallas Cowboys (2) (FOX) If the Cowboys are ever gonna get back to a Super Bowl or even an NFC Championship Game (they haven't been there since '95), this team is their best chance. They lead the league in scoring and were 5th in points allowed. Dak is playing at an MVP level, CeeDee Lamb's scored in a touchdown in what feels like 40 straight games, DaRon Bland had FIVE pick-sixes and Micah Parsons may be the best pass rusher in the league. Up until last week their kicker hadn't missed a field goal all year! From a narrative standpoint, the Packers seem to always beat the Packers in the playoffs and of course, Mike McCarthy used to coach them. Jordan Love has been sneaky very good this year with a bunch of dudes you've probably never heard of (Jayden Reed is my guy). Sporting a top 12 offense and top 10 defense, this Packer team could make some noise and seemingly has a bright future. While and upset wouldn't shock me. I mean, Mike McCarthy is in charge of the Cowboys, and them losing in this spot would be hilarious, but I think the Cowboys take care of business and low key roll. Cowboys 31 Packers 17 NFC: 8:15 p.m. (ET) (6) Los Angeles Rams at (3) Detroit Lions (NBC) I am terrified for the city of Detroit. I don't know if the stakes of a wild card game have ever been bigger. This is not just a game. This is gonna redefine Detroit. Are they gonna take the next step or lose their first home playoff game in 30 years to their former favorite son? From a fairness standpoint, the Rams just won the Super Bowl and have like 49 real fans. They need this. Detroit needs this like American citizens need universal health care. I'm worried the city may be underwater from all the tears if Matthew Stafford's first playoff win at Ford Field is for the LA Rams. That being said, I think the Rams are primed for an upset. The Lions defense is ass and stud rookie TE Sam Laporta is banged up. Kyren Williams and Puka Nacua have been unexpected stars for the Rams and even though my brain says they're gonna win this game, I don't have the heart to pick against Detroit in this spot. Lions 27 Rams 23 Super Wild Card Monday AFC: 4:40 p.m. (ET) (7) Pittsburgh Steelers at (2) Buffalo Bills (CBS) These are two franchises that I don't like, but I guess I respect them. You have to give it to both of them for making it to this point. The Steelers lost back-to-back games to double-digit loss teams in four days in early December. When they went from 6-3 to 7-7, it looked like Mike Tomlin's impressive .500 or better streak was in jeopardy. Then, with Mason Rudolph of all people, Pittsburgh won three in a row to finish at 10-7 and snuck into the playoffs. Per usual, the Steelers had a great defense in 2023, allowing the 6th fewest PPG in the league. That's why they're here, cause Steelers QBs have COMBINED for 13 touchdown passes. There was a point where the Steelers were outgained in like eight straight games, but they still yielded a winning record. Then there's the underachieving Bills. They were 6-6 at one point, with the point differential of a team that should be 10-2. Josh Allen is a walking turnover (18 INT, 7 fumbles), but when he's taking care of the rock..watch out. Buffalo's won five straight to save their season and somehow get up to the two seed. They're hot at the right time, and as a narrative guy...it terrifies me that they were 6-6. If the Bills can take care of business at home on a Monday afternoon (admittedly weird), they have as good a chance as anybody in the AFC to make it to Vegas. It's gonna be an ugly ass game. If T.J. Watt were playing, I'd like Pittsburgh's chances a little better, but I don't know if they'll have the firepower to keep up with Buffalo. I like that the playoffs have expanded, but these 2-7 matchups haven't been much of a contest to this point. Of course, a 7 seed will eventually win a playoff game, but it's not this game. Bills 23 Steelers 10 NFC: 8:15 p.m. (ET) (5) Philadelphia Eagles at (4) Tampa Bay Buccaneers (ESPN/ABC) The Eagles are sinking like lead balloons. From 10-1 to 11-6, now they've gotta go on the road in their attempts to get back to the Super Bowl. These are not your last year's Eagles. Their defense is in disarray, finishing 30th in PPG (clearly the worst of all playoff teams), and while point differential isn't a perfect stat...it tells a decent story with a point differential of +5...this Eagles team isn't nearly as good as their 11 wins would tell you. They're 1-5 in their last 6.
Somebody had to win the NFC South, and Tampa took the division on a tie-breaker over the Saints (who would've been way more fun in the playoffs). Tampa's season has been a roller coaster. They started 3-1, fell to 4-7, and ended up at a respectable 9-8. Baker's played well this season. Only 10 INT, and I'm not being sarcastic. You'll take that from Baker. I don't have high expectations for this game, which means it'll probably be a classic, but it feels like a coin flip. The Eagles beat the Bucs early in the season, but that was a long time ago when the Eagles weren't broken. Whoever wins this game loses in the divisional round, but fuck it, let's go crazy. I'm kinda picking with my heart here cause I wanna hear how Max reacts on PMT (if you don't listen to that pod, you're probably lost af). Buccaneers 20 Eagles 17 |
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