If Matthew Judon is Half as Savage on the Field as He is on Twitter, the Pats D May Lead them to ANOTHER Lombardi
It's the most bittersweet time of the yeaaaar.
Summer is basically over (this year, it hurts even more because there's about a 98.3% chance I make my return to statistically one of the worst school districts in the United States sometime next week), but football season is right around the corner.
I just had my draft on Saturday (nobody cares about leagues they aren't in, but I picked 11/12, and Mahomes was my keeper) and am rather proud of what drunk me accomplished. Who knows if I'll defend my title, but I like this squad. I can win with these guys.
I was working on my latest "Dozie's Brain Dump" blog when I got a text from my bbf/e-bro/former offensive line brethren that legit made my jaw drop.
My man is a spammer, so while his batting average isn't super high when he connects, it leaves the stratosphere, like an Adam Dunn type. I'm so glad he sent me this; it has me fired up for football. Matt Judon doesn't give a fuck! JUST GIVE ME THE EAGLES ALREADY, LET'S FUCKING GOOOO!!!!
Woooaaaaaaahhhh, Matty boy, let us know how you really feel!
I have been on Twitter much less since Elon started sabotaging it, but this kind of exchange is what the platform was truly meant for: getting off some risky takes.
Pre-2014, 15ish Twitter was still the Wild West. This tweet wouldn't have been a blip on the radar. You didn't have to worry about your words being used against you years later, but nowadays, you gotta be way more selective of the thoughts you share with the internet (a rule I don't always follow). Words can ruin your life.
Of course, it's all relative. Matthew Judon is a four-time Pro Bowl pass rusher with 28 sacks over the last two seasons. NFL teams will pay dudes who beat up women and children. A blunt but low-key-based tweet isn't gonna cost Judon his job.
This clip's been used a million times, but it's perfect in this situation.
You can't expect the say some shit like that and not get it right back. This clap back drops some truth and also made me LOL despite the grammatical errors.
Matt Judon isn't a stranger to bad takes. He thinks mac and cheese is overrated, saying, "It's just cheese and noodles," as if other great things in life aren't simple. Some of the best songs are only a singer and acoustic guitar. Pizza is only dough, sauce, and cheese. Sex is just a dick and a various opening. Grilled cheeses and PB&Js are simple but can still be superb.
Twitter isn't the place for nuanced conversations about mental health and addiction. Mac Miller's death is complicated, but the tweet could've been about any topic. I'm just glad it exists. It was spicy AF and legitimately got me excited. In today's world, everybody is tense, and things can be taken more seriously than they need to be. Like Judon didn't sell Mac the fentanyl, he just got off a savage ass tweet.
But don't get it twisted, Judon deserves criticism for his tweet. He was fucked from the beginning. "Absolutely nobody cares" is a JV-ass internet take, nine!!! That's what I used to say when I was like 15. You gotta do better than that. Whether you agree with them or not, plenty of people care about said tribute on "Yours Truly." HYPOTHETICALLY had you tweeted it without "absolutely nobody cares," it would've hit harder, but someone with 28 sacks over the past two seasons probably doesn't give a fuck about a niche blogger's take on the power of word choice.
With the Patriots starting their season against the defending NFC champs, I hope Judon keeps this mindset going on the football field. Don't give a fuck. Go full savage mode (21). We saw last year how a few plays can be the difference from 7 to 10 wins. You gotta get your edge by any means necessary. If shit-talking pop stars is what it takes, I say tell Mac Jones to start chirping Lizzo about fat-shaming people while being the size of a Chrysler that's as big as a whale!
Song: Look What You've Done (2004)
Album: Get Born
Ya boi hadn't done a b-day SOD request in a minute...that changed today. Happy Birthday to Michael and Coach!!
I love coming across Youtube videos that were uploaded w/i the first 2 years of YT. They're such relics of tech from that time. This shit is in like 26p.
If you're visiting DOL (dozonlife.com) for the first time after seeing my sign on the Barstool Red Carpet or audience at the awards, welcome to my blog! I've been running DOL since February 2016 with the sole intention of getting hired to blog at Barstool. I was born to write for Barstool Sports. It's the perfect home for my weird brain.
I've wanted to be a sports writer for as long as I can remember. In high school, I dreamed of being a journalist and covering the Red Sox or Patriots. For my senior project, I covered my high school's sports and planned on majoring in journalism. When my dad wouldn't let me cause even in 2010, newspapers were dying, I ended up "picking" education...so I could coach football and pursue my love of sports that way.
I'm incredibly passionate about sports, music, history, comedy, pop culture, and simply being a good person. I want to use my talents to entertain and inform. When I was in college, I created the popular twitter account@URIprobs, which had over 6,000 followers at its peak. Creating is the ultimate form of expression and freedom, and while I plan to be on podcasts, videos, game shows, etc., writing is my favorite medium.
This blog is a sequel to the original #HireDozo Manifesto, published on November 22nd, 2019, the night of RnR Providence. A much skinnier Dozo was in the building to watch a lil' amateur boxing and make some connections. Check the blog out to learn more about my story, as it fills you in on my back story, including being on the Rosie O'Donnell Show at five years old.
Let's fast forward to late 2019 (again, please check out the original #HireDozo Manifesto for 1991-2019); I was flying high. Tom Brady and Mookie Betts were still members of New England-based professional sports teams. I lost 70 pounds. After getting knocked down the previous few years, I felt like I was regaining my true self. Although the end of 2019 was a sign of negativity that was to come. I had a falling out with one of my best friends after he ended our Fantasy Football league when I beat him in the Final Four, and my relationship with my dad was rocky AF after I told him I hate his wife and no longer plan on hiding my feelings after years of mistreatment from her. That combined with the pandemic really set me back, but I am stronger for it.
Before Covid shut the world down, I was low-key crushing 2020. My teaching position at the time was the best placement I ever had (and wrote one of my all-time favorite DOL blogs), I was talking to multiple chicks on various dating apps, my social life was thriving, I had just recently created an IG account for my blog and was making more video content. I met Caleb at the URI-Dayton game, where Obi Tobbin had about 94 fastbreak slams.
My high point of 2020 came on March 7th (and the week leading up to it) when I ate #43Burgers in honor of a recent Barstool Radio bet that was floating around in the lead up to El Pres' 43rd birthday. From noon to midnight, I ate 43 McDonald's burgers across multiple locations in my hometowns with countless people cheering me on! Then Covid shut the world down and stole my thunder. It was hard to call and be like "I ate all these burgers in hopes you'd look at my blog"....when the entire world is going through it.
Ya boi is up against the clock. I just bought tickets for the Barstool Awards. Originally, my plan was to go to the red carpet with a sign and hope for the best, but now I'm going to the show and hoping to sell myself to the brilliant people at BSS. Let's look at some highlights of the past few years! I'm probably gonna forget a bunch and get pissed at myself!!!!
April 20th, 2020: "Stoned Man" (Starman Parody) debuts
April 2020: Had one of the greatest losing performances in game show history on KFC Radio's Social Distancing: The Game Show.
August 2020: Made the video "Shit Ubah Drivers Hear." In 2022, I posted it on TikTok where it currently has over 1300 likes.
Fall 2020: Created the incredibly succession Too Many Legs Teaser of the Week (+47 units)
January 6th, 2021: Went super viral on IG with this post
July 2021: Met Carl in Newport, RI after I told him to look both ways before crossing the street.
2021-2022: #DozVsTheDozen runs on IG live. It's in hiatus rn due to technical issues, but during my storied run, I beat both teams (of three) dozens of times. When hired, I am going to DOMINATE on The Dozen.
February 18th, 2022: Was a hashtag good guy
February 28th, 2022: Freaked out on a class for continuously messing with me and got put on admin leave. The best part of the story is, the kid I gave money to get some food with ratted me out to the principal by leaking a recording of my classroom freakout!!! (it ended up being a major blessing in disguise)
March 22nd, 2022: Got some love from the Cheapies for my karaoke skills.
May 16th, 2022: A former student reached out to tell me how much they missed me. This legit made me cry. It made my day/week/month.
June 2nd, 2022: Spotted a brown bowl in the wild
July 21st, 2022: Went to KFC Radio Live and pussied out on a golden opportunity because I didn't wanna risk being wrong shouting "PEDOPHILE" in a crowded room lolol. BLOG HERE
September 12th, 2022: My Matt Patricia tweet made it into Jerry Thornton's Week 1 recap blog.
November 2022: Went viral on TikTok (10K+ likes) before ironically being taken down 'abusing" a bullying/fascist qunt.
NYE 2022: Nearly picked up Feits from Hotel Viking
August 23rd, 2023: Rushed to put this blog up to give the people a further look into the Doz man. I've loved this company for 10 years and NEED to be a part of the pirate ship. I just need an opportunity. My weird brain will fit like a glove! I didn't mention the thousands of fantastic blogs I've written over the years! Now, I gotta make this sign and head to Boston! Wish me luck!!! #HireDozo
R.I.P. Steve Michalik
I'm super self-conscious about this blog's rush job, but I really need to hit the road. Just know this. The pandemic fucked my life up. I ended up gaining 150 lbs after losing 70 the year before. I was in a super dark spot and lost hope. Sui was on the table for a while. But I've rebounded. Over the last year, I've started working out again and regaining my confidence. I love Barstool Sports so fucking much and just wanna be a part of it. I'm so fucking happy that Dave repurchased it. TBH. Sometimes, I can't consume the content because I get such bad FOMO. Sometimes, I get angry at people who don't care about the opportunity that I would literally die for. This blog just scratches the surface of some of the unique parts about me. I also have many content ideas, including a music podcast that could be a game-changer. Please give me a chance. It'll be the best decision you make in 2023.
Song: Where is the Love? (2003)
Artist: The Black Eyed Peas
Happy 20th Birthday to Barstool Sports! I LOVE YOU!!! #HireDozo
On this date 20 years ago, "Where is the Love?" returned to the #1 spot in America on the Billboard Top 40 after being replaced by Beyonce and Jay Z's "Crazy in Love" the previous week; it would remain atop of the chart for the next six weeks.
Any DOL diehard knows the following two things I'm about to say.
1. It's fucking disgusting that 2003 was 20 years ago.
2. This song's message is as valid as ever today.
Luckily, today is a beautiful day. Happy Birthday, Barstool! See you on the red carpet tonight.
Spin Magazine (Instagram Edition) Is Quite Rude For Misleading ME and Countless Other People Who Only Read Headlines Into Believing That Talking Heads are Reuniting
Me, typing that brief-ass headline after letting that news simmer for a few days.
Last spring, I wrote a fabulous blog entitled "Top 10 Bands That Need to Grow Up, Reunite, and Tour Again."
Since its publishing, Blink-182 officially reunited, Noel Gallagher (Oasis) beefed with Matty Healy about being too childish to reconcile with his brother, and Christine McVie (Fleetwood Mac) died. Those three situations perfectly encapsulate the highs and lows of exactly why I wrote that blog in May '22.
I'm a big "we're all gonna die someday, so we might as well make life as great as possible" guy, so the current state of apathy and, dare I say, admiration of fascism in the United States by way too many (primarily unintelligent) people is a major bummer. It blows my mind how many people are into making the world shittier, and that laundry list of people includes whoever tf made this post for Spin Magazine's IG. This misleading headline is straight out of Fox News.
Now if you click on the link in their bio, you'll see they're just doing a Q and A during the 40th anniversary of Stop Making Sense, but that function is still not super user-friendly, plus it's easy to assume that means the band would, idk...play music, isn't exactly the most wild, wild leap.
Unless my aunt is playing an evil prank on me, I've got tickets to see Steely Dan and Eagles at the Garden next month, and I'm soooo fucking pumped. Over the last few years, I've grown to love Steely Dan to the point where I listen to them daily, and my personal IG is now @steelydoz. My love for the Dan deserves its own blog, but unfortunately, founding member Walter Becker passed away in 2017. Donald Fagan keeps the legacy alive today. I saw Steely Dan last summer, and it was phenomenal. But the truth is, you can replicate the sound, but it's never the same without the true member(s). The same can be said with Eagles after Glenn Frey died in 2016. Eagles infamously had one of the nastiest break-ups in music history and were able to reunite and play with their core lineup for years (same with Steely Dan), but the sad truth about life is that it doesn't last forever. Like Hayley Williams says, "We're always running out of time."
I don't know how much time we have left, and while I'm only like 48% serious when I say that because it feels like half the country is fast-forwarding to armageddon, the fact of the matter is the average age of a member of Talking Heads is a few months past 72. That's not like, "You're gonna drop dead any moment old," but it certainly is "If you died, it'd be sad, but it definitely wouldn't be that shocking" territory.
It's super encouraging that David Byrne admitted he was an ass-hole and to stick with the underlying theme of this blog, a "tyrant," but the fact remains this "reunion" is just some crummy Q and A. I guess it's something, but it just doesn't move the needle for me. That ain't no Mudd Club or C.B.G.B.'s, I ain't got time for it now.
I'm a simple guy. I want the legendary musicians that are getting up there to put the past behind them and play together again for the betterment of humanity. I don't know if age is a factor in the sense of musicians being worried they lost their fastball, but age is a part of life. I don't expect to see a 72-year-old David Byrne bouncing around like he's done all the cocaine in Manhattan. Nobody is expecting that anymore. We just wanna hear our favorites play live again before it's too late. Admittedly, I didn't do as much research on this six-day-old topic as I should've; I just wanted to get a blog out again because I've missed it so much (ya boi's been busy, but I'm gonna be back the way I should be real soon). In short, fuck clickbait, fuck fascists, and hopefully, this reunion question and answer won't be a road to nowhere and leads to at least one song.
Song: Leave the Light On (2018)
Album: For Amusement Only
This song would always come on Ryan Radio (my Apple music station), and I'd skip it because I didn't know it (as much as I'd like to pat myself on the back for all the personal growth I've made over the years, I still struggle with embracing new things). Over the weekend, when "Leave the Light On" came across my airwaves again, I left it on, and like over 70% of the computer's suggestions, I enjoyed it. Jambands weren't always my first choice, but they've definitely been growing on me for the last like...idk 7 years or so.
In a move that's been rumored for weeks (I low key didn't think it'd actually happen) two-time NFL rushing champ Ezekiel Elliott has signed with the New England Patriots on a one-year incentive-heavy deal.
As a long hair guy, this is news is a bummer.
I saw plenty of ignorant ass comments implying that Belichick has some sort of antiquated Yankee-like grooming rules and made Zeke cut that dope fro as if this isn't his son.
...and the Pats haven't employed flow-Gawds before!
As for what actually matter...production on the football field, there's no denying that Zeke isn't the same guy he was in 2016...but who is? From a pure swag standpoint, I love that he's going back to #15.
While Elliott did have more carries than Tony Pollard last year (231 vs. 193), he still had a pretty productive year in a reduced role: 876 yards and 12 touchdowns. With this only being a one-year deal and the current state of how running backs are viewed/paid, you know he's gonna be motivated to go off and get another pay day before his deals are in the hundreds of thousands and not millions.
It's safe to assume Rhamondre Stevenson will still be the #1 back, but I love the addition of Zeke to compliment him, and by the looks of this tweet, so does Dre.
Before today, the other non-Rhamondre running backs on the roster were no-name 51st guy on the squad type of dudes.
Even though the NFL is changing, and the bell-cow back isn't really a thing anymore, they're a better team with Zeke on the roster. The way I see it, he's taking Damien Harris' spot and is a better back than Harris, so I'm all about this deal.
I'm realistic about the Pats. I don't think they're gonna make the playoffs because the AFC is so stacked. Right now, they're the 3rd or 4th best team in the AFC East, depending on who you ask, but the great thing about the National Football League is that none of the predictions or chatter matters. In case you forgot, I thought the Indianapolis Colts were gonna win Super Bowl LVII (in my defense, they did beat the Chiefs in Week 3). Anything can happen. I mean, would it really shock anybody if the Jets were a major disappointment?
I've looked at the Pats' schedule, and there's a route to 10 wins. Now, even if they get to double-digit wins, there's no guarantee that's enough in the loaded AFC, but all I care about rn is that this move makes the Patriots better. People are trying to act like Zeke is 39 years old. The dude was born in 19fucking95. He probably never had a Furby. His memories of 9/11 are foggy at best. This dude is still a kid, and I think we, as Patriot fans, should remember that. Corey Dillon was coming off a much worse season (at 29!!!) the year before he came to New England and rushed for 1635 yards and a dozen touchdowns. If Zeke gets half of that as Rhamondre's backup, this deal was worth it.
I can't wait for the season to start, even though it means summer is officially over. Football season is MY time. The Pats are gonna be frisky, maybe even good, and I'M THE DEFENDING CHAMPION IN MY FANTASY LEAGUE (not that anybody cares...but Mahomes is my keeper, and I love my chances to repeat).
Song: In a Big Country (1983)
Artist: Big Country
Album: The Crossing
Look at me not letting a week pass between blogging days! The summer slowdown will be over before you know it; #HireDozo.
As for today's SOD, I've loved this song since it was first introduced to me in VH1's Top 100 One-Hit Wonders countdown (2002). It wouldn't shock me if it's been a SOD before, but this live version has been a go-to for me whilst on the bike at Planet Fitness.
Before today, the last time I blogged was July 25th, when I wrote four articles about various happenings in the world of professional sports in the United States of America.
Yesterday, I had therapy and then an appointment with my chiro. When I got out of the chiro, I discovered that my right back tire was flat, which has added some unnecessary stress to ya boi's life. I'm really not trying to buy another tire rn, but it's looking that way since I don't think this hole is pluggable based on its location (AAA is currently on its way as I write, so maybe I'm wrong, and it's salvageable). But Tuesday wasn't all bad!!
With the incredible news that Barstool is going back to the Pirate Ship, some people who lost the 2022 league title (to me) in my fantasy league were giving me shit about my lack of blogs this summer #HireDozo, and I did not love that (although I do think it was coming from a place of tough love...that I may have needed).
I know it's easy to say, "I'm being lazy," but it's not that simple. Life isn't black and white! It's not like I haven't wanted to blog. I love blogging. It's my calling. Creating is everything to me. I've been in a funk the last few weeks and had a mean case of the blogging yips. To some, that may sound like an excuse, but it's also the fucking truth, and I know it is, so that's good enough for the Doz man. Plus, the back pain made it impossible to be creative. The only things on my mind were finding a way to alleviate the pain and fears about the consequences of our crumbling democracy.
Writing is my art form, and I know it's all about production in America, but sometimes you can't produce to the standard you want (for whatever reasons it may be). I don't wanna write "just to write" and put out garbage...like many creators do.
PLEASE don't get it twisted. I've wanted to write. I've sincerely missed writing, and it feels good to be currently creating. A part of me is missing when I'm not using this outlet to express myself. When I'd go to bed at like five am every morning, I was like, I can't wait to wake up and make my return. Then, I'd wake up, feel like shit (my back has been in disarray all summer, but luckily it's starting to make some strides towards being alright the last weekish), and either go back to bed to sleep the pain away or get up and head to Newps for work.
Also, I'd be lying if there weren't times when the self-doubt gets to me. I try to fight it, but low-dose meds and willpower only do so much!! I hover between having no confidence and thinking I'm America's best-undiscovered niche blogger (or at least Rhode Island). TBH, the news of El Pres regaining his stake in Barstool reinvigorated me. It def helps my odds vs getting hired by corporate Pennstool. There have been times when I've gotten close to giving up but writing for Barstool is what I want, and I know I have what it takes to thrive there. I just need the opportunity. Once hired, I guarantee a Rookie of the Year award in The Dozen. #DozNamath.
My next step is to truly go for it and stop being so afraid of getting crushed. My confidence (or lack thereof) is the biggest thing holding me back, but with every pound I shed and compliment I get from strangers, I regain a part of myself.
Most ubah rides are uneventful, but on a few, I've been lucky to meet some incredible and exciting people; those conversations have helped me immensely. I try not to get too high or low (metaphorically speaking), but I am not super good at enacting that in practice. My moods and self-worth fluctuate like my weight (and usually with my weight).
During Folk Fest, I met this dude, Cody; he's a musician in a similar spot to me: grinding, trying to balance "real life," and chasing the dream. We connected, and that convo helped me regain my sense of self and knock off the cobwebs of doubt that had built up in my time away from DOL. Today, I woke up to this message from him, and it gave me a shot in the arm; knowing someone is still thinking about me and my dreams...especially after the tough love from some of my friends that did not win my league's 2022 title (like I did)...it meant a lot.
I know my follower count is low, but that doesn't fucking matter. There are countless trash accounts with tons of followers. I have the voice. I am talented and intelligent enough to make it. I'm not like every fuckboi that's like, "Yeah, I'd be sick to work for Barstool," I've been fucking GRINDING on DOL since February 2016 AND created @URIprobs.
Buuuuuut, between the physical pain of my tin foil back and the stress of this summer being fucking terrible ubah wise (I was clearing well over $1400 a week last summer...now I haven't had a week that lucrative all 2023), I've been in my head like the Zombie from the hit Cranberries song "Zombie." I'm stressing tf out about my future. I don't wanna be an ubah driver anymore. It's too unreliable. Sure, parts of it are super fun and chill, but I hate being unavailable on the weekends to do shit with friends and family. Technically, I can not work (which I've done), but then I'm missing the "busiest" time of the week, which I can't swing right now.
I've enjoyed my time on the roads, but it just feels like my days are numbered, and it's time to move on. I want to be able to afford the life I want to live. TBH, as much as the slower summer has sucked, it's sort of a good thing. Had I had another crazy busy summer where I was clearing stacks every week, I'd probably just rely on that for next year and be like well, worst case, I can always go back to the roads. Now there's more of a fire under my flat ass to figure shit out.
It feels great to be back, and I promise there won't be some ridiculously long gap between my next blog. Maybe, I needed a little kick in the ass from my league. It's easy to get complacent as the defending champ!
In my time away, A LOT has gone down. Here are some rapid-fire takes on events of the past few weeks.
Song: The Caves of Altamira
Artist: Steely Dan
Album: The Royal Scam (1976)
Your favorite underground niche blogger is back!!! I hate that every time I've written in the last two months has been an apology for my inactivity, but we'll get into that in my next article. For now, enjoy Steely Dan's incredible sound in this live performance from 2003. I've listened to this song at least 58 times since I last blogged. TBH, the first three tracks on The Royal Scam are fucking LOADED. "King Charlemagne," "Caves of Altamira," and "Don't Take Me Alive." All are phenomenal. If you've been in my ub** recently, you likely heard at least one of the three.