The best part about college football is the atmosphere and crazy coaching personalities. You have Jim Harbaugh having sleep overs and rapping with recruits. Nick Saban trying to be college football's Bill Belichick. Urban Meyer fakes a heart attack once every two years to motivate players, and Hugh Freeze pulled a page right out of the George Bluth playbook by having an elaborate fake funeral planned just to teach a lesson to his players.
It's great, it's what college football is all about. College football on the surface is a lot more fun than the NFL. All the pageantry, the fight songs, school pride, the living mascots, the individualized school run outs, all the traditions are what makes college football great, and TBH without them I don't think it'd be as popular because as it is, because the product on the field sometimes sucks. I'm bummed everyday that I went to URI and didn't get to truly experience what college football is all about.
I used to love Les Miles, the Mad Hatter, dude eats actual grass off the field to get more in touch with the game. He's a mad man, classic weird football guy head coach. I just always liked him as a coach. I think the fact that I like Florida and hate Bama gave me a common interest in rooting for LSU and Miles to do well in the SEC West so Bama wouldn't. The enemy of my enemy is my friend after all. I thought it was crazy last season how he was on the hot seat, given his success but now I get it. LSU wanted someone else, and after making the lamest coaching decision of all time I get where they were coming from and I'm all done with Les Miles.
So why do I feel this way?
The LSU Tigers are playing The Wisconsin Badgers at Lambeau Field (home of the Green Bay Packers) this Saturday. I think that is wicked cool, regardless of your stance on the Packers there's no denying that Lambeau Field is one of the most historic fields in all of American Major Sports. If you know anything about the Packers then you know at least these two facts, they love wearing those stupid cheesehead hats and Packers players do the Lambeau Leap into the crowd after scoring touchdowns.
It's fun tradition in the NFL that even the wettest of blankets can enjoy. Les Miles on the other hand will have no tolerance for his players partaking the "Lambeau Leap".
He's going to basically kick you off the team for doing the Lambeau Leap when you're playing at Lambeau Field. To quote Herman Boone in Remember The Titans, more or less Les Miles is telling his players to "hitch your hind parts on home" should they disobey him. And I mean who could blame Les here? Obviously these guys will play a TON of more games here and have plenty of opportunities to get to experience something as cool as doing the Lambeau Leap at Lambeau after scoring a touchdown. These kids will totally have another opportunity to do this. You have to act like you've been there before, especially when you have never been there before.
Look I get it, you don't want to show up your opponent, and you really don't want the 15 yard penalty, but this is so fucking lame it kills me. It's college football, 95% of these guys are never gonna sniff the NFL, let them have some fun. They make universities millions upon millions of dollars, yet they are not allowed to make a penny off the fact that they play college football. The fact that you get penalized for celebrating in sports is one of the dumbest rules of all time. I need to add this to my Presidential Platform my-presidential-platform.html. At the end of the day as much as we all love sports, and may over think their importance, it's just a game, it's supposed to be fun, that is the point of games....to have fun. Let these kids take full advantage of this once in a lifetime opportunity.
I guess I cannot entirely blame Les Miles for this, because of course he has to follow the NCAA guidelines. Sure it doesn't matter if the NCAA is one of the most corrupt, hypercritical organizations in the world, not just sports. Of course players shouldn't be compensated better and there should be penalties for any fun. Makes all the sense in the world. They shouldn't be able to make money off their talents because it would ruin the game. Just remember to do the right thing, as college football players are known to do. At least coaches aren't this strict with players who commit crimes and do actual things that harm people. Those are the ones we want to take it easy on.
Glad to see someone is willing to help out a player who may decide to go against Miles order.
P.S. This is still my favorite Lambeau Leap of all time.
You don't see them as often up north, but in other parts of the country witty church signs are a big thing. When I lived in Florida I could remember seeing them pretty much any time I was in a car because there are more churches in Florida then there are Dunkin Donuts in Rhode Island, which is REALLY saying something because I'm pretty sure there is 1 Dunkin for every 6 people in this state. Now this blog isn't to talk about religion because that's not what DOL is about (even if I'm low a key God guy) No this is about a HORRIBLE pop culture reference.
Chuck Norris seriously?
Now is this from a church that closed in 2005 or something? Then it would be understandable, but if you wanna be hot and current to try to get the youth interested into going to church you can't be making decade old early internet references.
Yeah Chuck Norris jokes were huge.... when I was in like 8th grade. Gotta be better than that. You know what else was big in 2005... myspace. Are you gonna have signs saying "Jesus wants to be in your top 8?" Then maybe First Assembly of God can start Rick Rolling people too? I can go all day. Can we get an appearance from Jerome Bettis since he JUST won the Super Bowl and retired? Maybe we'll get a Chocolate Rain Remix from these guys in like 2019. I'M OLDDDDDD GREEGGGGGGGG!!!
Song: Life Itself
Artist: Glass Animals
Album: How to Be a Human Being
Really diggin this band's sound. Absolutely love this song.
Song: U Got It Bad
Been on a BIG Usher kick. Dude has no bad songs.
With the election coming up in a few months, and seemingly two horrible candidates I figured I'd throw my hat in the ring. Now as a 24 year old, I am in ineligible to run for President. Yes, I do remember a few things from school. I could not run until 2028, so until then I just have to get my ideas out there so in 12 years ole dozo can TRULY make America great again. Here is what I'd do if elected President. I was gonna divide my ideas into sections, but it's just gonna be of a shoot from the hip situation.
Life Starts at 10 AM
This is for all my fellow night owls out there. Waking up early sucks, and if elected, I'll give Americans the right to sleep in! A major reason I haven't fully dove into teaching yet, aside from trying to make it blogging is the fact that I'll have to start waking up at like 5:30 am. It's basically a deal breaker. Being up that early is disgusting. Should've thought long and hard about that when I decided to be a teacher. While obviously we need some people awake early, but with me as President 9-5 is now 10-5. Just work harder in the condensed work day in exchange for a little more sleep. I think we're starting off great.
I'm not gonna lie. I do not know how this is possible, but with 12 years until I am eligible to become President I'm sure we could fine a way to get rid of traffic. My team will work diligently to fix this.
Employers Cannot Fire You Because of Social Media
Newest amendment. Job protection from social media. Just because you said "fuck" on the internet doesn't make you a bad employee. Let people have their lives outside of work. Sometimes people (me) get drunk and tweet some embarrassing stuff. Just let those people (me) live. As long as you aren't bashing your employer/coworkers, posting kidding porn or pro ISIS stuff then who cares?
Make The Black Keys My Personal Presidential Band
Kind of like how late night talk shows have their own house band. The Black Keys would be mind. I just love these guys. I'm keeping the Black Keys on retainer. Also can expose the entire nation to their great tunes. Win-win for everybody. They can still live their lives and everything, but when the President wants to hear El Camino he's gonna get to listen to it live.
No More "Safe Spaces"
Stop being a pussy. Obviously we shouldn't be racist or homophobic but at the same time you need to be able to deal with adversity in life. There are no safe spaces in the real world. College students are a fucking embarrassment now.
No More Welfare
Listen, despite hating Hillary I still consider myself pretty liberal, but welfare is gonzo if I'm President.
Well, maybe I should call it welfare reform instead of the elimination entirely. I do understand the need for people who truly need it when hard times come. The big problem though is that people abuse welfare. I hate that. The idea of helping people who don't want to help themselves is stupid to me. Wasted government money on people who don't want to better themselves. Use that money on something more productive (I'll get to that soon) You shouldn't just get money if you are doing nothing to deserve it. It's not the countries responsibility to give out hand outs. It's your parents. The only people who should be giving out money to people who don't deserve it are parents. Unemployment and disability are still okay in my book, but you shouldn't be allowed to be on welfare for years at a time which I'm pretty sure people do. Welfare, in the words of Kenny Powers "you're fucking out!"
Better Health Care For All
Another real policy thing that I don't know how to improve but I'm pretty sure they have universal health care in Canada and the good half of Europe, let's just call them up real quick to figure out the details.
It's 2016 everybody smokes weed. Legalize it, regulate it, monetize it. I'm almost positive Colorado uses a big chunk of the taxing on it for schools. If not they should, with me as President the entire country will. Also any people in jail for minor drug charges are getting released. Not worth it to waste government money imprisoning minor drug offenses.
Legalize Sports Gambling
I know we don't want sports to get corrupted through gambling but let's be honest...sports are already corrupt, ever heard of Roger Goodell? I'll say it again, legalize it, regulate it, and monetize it. That may be my slogan for things I want legalized. Screw your morals, lets make some money!
Pro Tip: If and when sports gambling is fully legalized, do not bet your entire bank roll on one game. Not worth it. Fuck the Colts.
It's the worlds oldest profession. Now listen, I don't want hookers out on the streets in your family neighborhoods either. But I don't have a problem with bringing back brothels. Again, legalize it, regulate it, and monetize it. If a grown man (or woman) wants to pay for a little strange they should be allowed to.
Pardon Tom Brady and The Patriots for "Deflategate"
Patriots got railroaded for being the best team of the last 15 years and haters want to bring them down. Even if what happened is true it is not cheating. Ball Violations are like a $25,000 fine. The punishments did not fit the crime. It's like the death penalty for J-walking. In 2028 I will make sure the good names of both Tom Brady and the New England Patriots organization as a whole are cleared. I can't wait to win the Super Bowl this year.
No More Black Olives
Black olives are fucking gross. Do not want them in my country. If this is a deal breaker for you then leave the USA baby. This is just as much a test of Patriotism, as it is me vocalizing my distaste for olives. If you rather eat nasty black olives than live in America we don't want you. Olive oil however is cool. You can stay.
Make It Harder To Get Guns
You should have to pass a background test, mental evaluation and some more tests that I don't even know about to get a gun. I'm not anti-gun, I'm anti mass shooting and anything I can do to have less dead Americans, I President Dozo will do it.
Day After the Super Bowl Is a National Holiday
This is one of my biggest sticking points. This is a MUST. The day after the Super Bowl is one of the worst days of the year, no more football, you are most likely very full and hungover, and feel awful. We need this day off. Just to restart. If Columbus gets a day off than America's real national sport deserves one too.
Also a little wrinkle I'd like to throw in... Similarly with how we register to vote and align with our political party, you can too register who your favorite team is legally. This is to avoid people taking advantage of the law I'm about to put in place. If your favorite team loses the Super Bowl you get Tuesday off too. Give people some time to grieve. Like when a family member dies. I know I surely could've used a whole month off after the Patriots went 18-1.
No More Hair Rules in the Military
Can't lie I'm a big hair guy. I think this is a stupid rule in our military. I get why it's in place but if I was President you could have flow and be a solider. They already don't really enforce this rule during combat. I mean look in American Sniper they all have beards and shit. Also I think if this rule went into place more people would sign up. I'm too fat to be in the military but if I could have a bucket of flow and chill in the Navy I'd be down. If you wanna protect this country it shouldn't matter what you look like as long as you do a good job. Hair can be part of your strength just ask Samson.
Conversely I think I shouldn't have to cut my hair to get a normal job. If it's clean and looks good (which my hair always does) there shouldn't be an issue.
Yankees have to get rid of their no long hair or facial hair rule too.
Harsher Death Penalty
If you purposely kill anybody with malice then you're dead. I do not want murders in my country. A little extreme but I think if enforced correctly it could help prevent more murders. Also if you killed children, however you killed them is how you're getting killed. Also no more lethal injection either, firing squad is back baby.
Make College Football Playoff 8 Teams
Just makes sense to make it more than 4 teams. 5 Power Conference champs get automatic big, then 3 wild card teams.
Use Chunk of Newly Legalized Things $ (Listed Earlier) to Improve Schools and Pay Teachers Better
Regardless if I teach a day in my life or not, I have the greatest respect for teachers. I think they should be compensated much better considering what they have to put up with and how important their job is. I also want to update textbooks and technology in schools, especially inner city ones that do not have the resources. With all the money coming in from legalized weed, sports gambling and hookers, I think to help ease people into the fact that all those things are legal now it would be great to use a chunk of that to help make schools better nationwide. Also with more money put into schools hopefully it would help students improve and make our next generation better.
Merge Both Dakotas and Make Puerto Rico a State
I like how we have 50 states. It's a nice big, round number. The fact that there used to 38 states at one point bothers me. I don't know why I want Puerto Rico as a state, but I think a lot of people do so whatever I'll make you guys happy. ''m the people's President after all. In order to do this however we need to eliminate a state. I don't want current states to leave (although if Connecticut or New Jersey did, so be it) so like when the Astros moved from the NL to AL to make each league have 15 teams we need the Dakotas to step up to the plate and become one state so we can stay at 50. This is also good because now I'll be able to say which state has Mount Rushmore. It's Dakota. No more guessing for ole dozo.
Deport The Kardashians
I don't care where you go but you gotta go somewhere else. Can't stand them or the fact that they are famous. Real shame.
Make The Office Comeback for One Season WITH MICHAEL SCOTT
I just want an update of how everybody is doing. I miss them all so much. How are Michael and Holly doing in Colorado? How are Jim and Pam in Austin? Is Creed still in Jail? How weird is Dwight and Angela's son?
These are questions that need answers and I get it they all have their own careers now, but I don't think anybody would be upset with 22 more episodes of the Office like 10 years in the future.
I could go on forever, but that's it for now. I still have 12 years to get my platform down. Hopefully we'll have no more black olives and the day after the Super Bowl off by then.
Song: Molly's Chambers
Artist: Kings of Leon
Album: Youth and Young Manhood (2003)
You know what? I didn't blog the last two days and this song while great is like 45 seconds long. So for all you loyal DOL readers here is a bonus Friday SOD. A double shot of KOL on DOL.
Artist: Kings of Leon
Album: Only by the Night (2008)
Documentary Now Season 51 (actually 2) Comes Out September 14th You HAVE TO Check Out Season 1 on Netflix
Nothing like a nice short and sweet title to kick off a blog.
If you're like me (hopefully for your own sake you are not) then you grew up watching Saturday Night Live. I was a HUGE SNL guy until like 2013 when the entire cast "retired". Well two former cast members, Fred Armisen and Bill Hader have a mocku-mentary show on IFC that you have to check out (three cast members if you count Seth Meyers who is a writer for the program)
Basically they parody other documentaries and it is right up my ally comedy wise. It is definitely not for everybody (aka stupid people won't find it funny) but I highly recommend it. The 50th season (first season) is on Netflix now, it's only 7 half hour episodes, if you're like me, you can bang that out in one night. Season 2 debuts on September 14th so that is plenty of time to catch up.
All the episodes are completely different. It starts with Helen Mirren as the host and they pretend that this show has been on for 50 years of documenting everyday life across the world. In season one they parody VICE, The Thin Blue Line and The History of the Eagles, just to name a few. It's hard to explain but if you give this show a chance I think you will enjoy it. Those are my favorite episodes. First episode I won't even describe but it's a must watch. In the "Blue Jean Committee" season finale 2 part episode, Fred and Bill are in a blues band from Chicago that goes "California" in the 70's, it makes fun of the Eagles because of the rocky and tempestuous relationship the band members had.
I'm very excited for season 2. Currently have a few friends that have watched season 1 but am dying for more people to watch to have more people to talk about it with. Again, the first season is on Netflix NOW.
In one of the weirdest marketing schemes I've seen recently, KFC has released a limited edition "Fried Chicken" sunscreen.
I can't lie, I actually like the video, the sort of off centered production value makes me find it funnier than it actually is. But for a fast food restaurant I've seen dumber ideas, but this has to be the worst idea of all time. I don't understand scent people. Don't get me wrong, I fuck heavy with some good candles or nice perfume on a young lady, but smelling like food and not actually being the food makes zero sense to me.
If I smell pizza, I'm gonna want to eat pizza. When I smell weed, I wanna light up. If a person smells like extra crispy chicken, I'm gonna want to eat them. That is not something we need right now, flavor enhancement on people. Isn't that the number one complaint by cannibals? That humans don't taste good.
Didn't some FSU bro just eat two people like last week? The last thing we need to do is give people flavors. Obviously most of us have the self control to not eat people, but crystal meth and the state of Florida still exist. I'm terrified that someone is going to be high on meth, smell some 11 herbs and spices on some random person then eat their face off. The writing is on the wall KFC, don't say ole dozo didn't warn you. When someone gets killed and eaten in like 8 days it's gonna be a really uncomfortable news cycle for Kentucky Fried Chicken.
P.S. I still am not 100% sure what cultural appropriation is, but I'm sure some losers on twitter will complain and say that this is cultural appropriation somehow.
Today is #MaddenDay where Madden 17 comes out officially. One person not too thrilled with Madden 17 is Dez Bryant. After his 2015 season was mostly lost due to injury the Dallas Cowboys WR Dez is pissed off that he has a 90 rating in Madden.
"It is what it is," Bryant said after Friday night's preseason game against the Miami Dolphins. "We're just going to see what happens. Like I told Madden, they put me at 90, I'm not worried about that. That rating going to shoot up real quick, you best believe that."
In a joking tone, Bryant continued on about the disrespectful rating.
"I play Madden, I [expletive] love Madden," Bryant said. "They would do me like that? Oh my God. That is an insult, like why would you do that to me? How much I love y'all. Like what? Not John Madden, because I love him. It's the [video game] developers."
It seems like Dez changed his tune from earlier because he was not joking at first, I heard a quote by him calling an "insult". Honestly I don't know if I blame him for being upset. Dez is probably top 3 WR in the NFL but after a season where he only had 400 yards and 3 TDs it's understandable why his rating went down. I get that pro athletics are usually competitive AF and have huge egos but to me this is so stupid. Stupid that he's so butthurt, but also stupid that he is only a 90. In 2015 Dez was hurt and so was Romo. Just not a great recipe for a productive season and good Madden ranking. If Gronk get's hurt and misses half the season he should still be the best rated TE in Madden because he is. Dez should probably be a 94 or something but it is all semantics and the fact that I'm even blogging this is kind of ridiculous.
But speaking of Rob Gronkowski.....still not okay with Gronk as the Madden cover boy. You're a fool if you think the Madden Curse is dead. Gronk is held together by rubber bands and paper mache at this point. Every hit he takes I think is going to be his last.
But back to Dez I totally understand his beef. He is behind the following WR rating wise: Antonio Brown (97), Julio Jones (96), A.J. Green (93), Odell Beckham Jr. (93), DeAndre Hopkins (93), Larry Fitzgerald (91) and Alshon Jeffery (91) which IS kind of a joke, but that leads me to my next point.
Yo who TF cares what your Madden rating is? So perfectly Cowboys, big market team but they are basically irrelevant. Make the playoffs every 4 years then go 5-11 the next year, rinse and repeat. Idk I think Dez should worry about being on the field more than his Madden rating. If he balls out, it will go up. It's as simple as that. Even if they think it, you're never going to hear players on the Patriots (because we know how to run an organization) cry about madden ratings.