The Chicago White Have Hired 76 Year Old Hall of Famer Tony La Russa to Manage in 2021
It's August 2nd, 1979, The Amityville Horror is the #1 movie in America, gas is 86 CENTS a gallon, Comiskey Park is still smoldering from Disco Demolition Night a few weeks prior and a 34 year old Tony La Russa is making his managerial debut.
When he retired 32 years later in 2011, Tony was a 3x World Series Champion, 4x Manager of the Year and 3rd all time in Managerial wins. In 2014 he was inducted into Cooperstown.
There's no denying that Tony La Russa is one of the greatest Managers of all time; the last game he managed was Game 7 of the 2011 World Series where he won his third ring. He even has the seal of approval from one of the greatest football coaches of all time.
We all know I didn't follow baseball this year in the wake of the Boston Red Sox willingly cursing themselves again, but this move has me scratching my head so hard that I might touch my brain. I didn't pay attention to the 60 game fake season and I already feel like the game has passed me by. This is coming from somebody who can list every World Series result since 1955!
Obviously Tony La Russa is a baseball lifer and has been paying attention to the game, but do you think a 76 year old who hasn't managed in almost a decade is the right guy to lead this version of the Chicago White Sox?
We're eight iPhones past the last time Tony filled out a lineup card. Think about that. FaceTime was new the last time Tony was calling the shots for a Major League team. Now the entire planet is a zoom meeting. I get not wanting to accept that you're on the back two of life and still having that itch to compete, but that's what backgammon is for my guy. Dude managed before games were broadcasted in color. Why would a 76 year old want to manage? It's so sad. It's like when I see retired teachers coming back to sub. Don't you have grandkids that you should hang out with before you die? At least I can understand the retired teachers needing the $100 a day. You really want to be in Kansas City or Arlington in the middle of July when you should be watching a documentary on Uboats sucking on Werther's Originals? White Sox owner Jerry Reinsdorf is looking like Lindsay Graham in this clip.
I know time can be a hard concept to grasp, but Tony La Russa literally was managing in the 1970's. Is Cloris Leachman going to coach 3rd base?
Sure, we're about to either keep a 74 year old racist orange in charge of our country or throw the keys to a 77 year old who probably shouldn’t be behind the wheel, but Tony La Russa was managing the White Sox during Iran Hostage Crisis. A lot has changed since his debut and even more since he last managed.
Bill Belichick has been coaching in the NFL at some capacity since 1975, so it's not to say it's impossible for a Hall of Famer who's returning to the dugout to be successful, but Bill is also only 68 compared to Tony's 76 and never took a decade off. What is his five you plan? Don't die?
Maybe Tony took a page out of Mike McCarthy's playbook and lied about getting into analytics while he was out of coaching/managing?
It looks like the well respected and beloved Jerry Reinsdorf just couldn't get past the one he let slip away IN 1986. Hopefully Tony doesn't slip and fall in the shower and break his hip because these guys are counting on him! Now put your teeth in and play ball!
I still haven't decided if I can ever love baseball the way I once did, but knowing the White Sox dug up Tony La Russa to manage has me at least a little intrigued for the 2021 MLB Season.
P.S. It it pretty cool to see an active Hall of Famer return to the game, there hasn't been an active HOFer managing since Connie Mack, but Connie Mack was Tony La Russa's 8th grade shop teacher. There's old school and then there's using an abacus to time a player's home to first speed. If fans are back next season I picture the Crowd at Guarantee Rate Field (one of the worst names in all of sports) to look something like this.
As previously stated on DOL in 2016, I absolutely love Halloween. What's not to love about playing dressing up and enjoying some (eye) candy? While most of that old blog makes me cringe (we get it dude, you've drank before) worse than Human Centipede, some parts certainly still hold up four years later. For starters, it's still my favorite holiday since there's no family or present obligations; halloween is strictly about having fun and while it may be a controversial stance, I am pro-fun. As a self-proclaimed creative person, I love seeing the ideas people come up with, the creativity behind DIY costumes and pretending to be somebody else to avoid the reality that is existence for a few hours.
In any normal year, Halloween falling on a Saturday would kick more ass than Wimp Lo, but as we know 2020 has been anything but normal. Many cities have already banned trick or treating this year because of COVID and with cases rising in many states (including Rhode Island) it may be a better call to just watch Hocus Pocus for the 93rd time instead of going to a basement banger. Of course I'd love to go to some Halloween parties this year, but COVID, not the fact that I haven't been invited to any will likely keep me on the sidelines for the third straight year (and 4th time since 2015 because I was hashtag good brother and visited my sister in college with my divorced parents during Halloweekend 2k15; despite being pregnant at the time).
Just typing that sentence about missing now four of the last six Halloweens killed a little piece of me. I'm only 28 years old and am now fully embracing that I'm "still young" because that's what everybody who's over 40 has been telling me since I was 26 and thought my life was over because I hadn't found a career yet lolol. Not celebrating Halloween is the ultimate old soul move. I fucking hate that I've been lame the last two Halloweens because of work and that the streak will continue this year. I realistically only have like 15 Halloweens left before my heart gives out like the rubber band behind a single staple on a mask, so once COVID is finally over I hope that I never miss Halloween again.
Since I'm being responsible and staying on the sidelines this year purely because of COVID and NOT because I haven't been invited to a single Halloween Party, I decided to switch up the content and reminisce about some past costumes of mine, instead of focusing on the lack of Halloween spirit this year. Since I'd never lie to you (unless I had to, I'll do what I got to) I am going to give a completely unbiased power rankings of my Halloween Costumes from 2008-2017. I take pride in my authenticity and making fun of myself so lets both praise and bash my previous costumes.
Honorable Mention #1: Naughty Nurse Nikki (2008)
Truth be told, I do not know if that's the actual name of this costume, but that's what the caption on Facebook said, so let's just roll with it. Since I only wore this in a Party City and never actually for Halloween itself, it's ineligible for the Power Rankings, but I look too fucking hot with my glowing olive skin and bursting seems to omit this classic.
Honorable Mention #2: The Ghost of Fantasy Football Past (2019)
I know I said I haven't partaken in Halloween the last two years, but I genuinely forgot about this since I try to flush out traumatic experiences and this was just a semi-troll in between Ub** rides last year. I already spent far too much time on those intro paragraphs to switch it up now. Luckily, blog research (looking through my camera roll) joggled my brain.
Before getting kicked out of my fantasy league for good by an unloyalty, dictator commissioner while his group of lackeys (who I thought were my friends) stood idly by, I was kicked out for a week around Halloween for calling out collusion. Said commish had a pre-game that weekend and didn't tell me about it, so you best believe when I had a ride that brought me in that general direction I stopped at Big Lots, bought a blanket, scissors and off-brand sharpie to make the Ghost of Fantasy Past to talk passive aggressive shit to those fake fucks. Honorable mention because I legit wore this costume for 10 minutes before going back to work like a man!
Yes, I was paying homage to Big Cat here, let's look at the actual list.
An Unbiased Power Ranking of Ole Dozo's Halloween Costumes (2008-2017)
#12. Construction Worker (2016)
I mean yeah, I look fucking awesome here, like one of the Village People if they were Bears, but that doesn't take away from the fact that construction is a culture is not a costume. I gotta be better going forward.
#11. Fred Flintstone (2013)
The night I was Fred Flintstone will always hold a special place in my heart because it was the same night that the 2013 Red Sox won the World Series AND I won a handle of fireball at a Charlie O's (R.I.P.I.P.) costume party that I crushed that Saturday with a couple buddies at the parade. All that being said I cannot for the life of me remember why the fuck I was Fred Flintstone in 2013. Shit was almost as random as a 2007 scene chick. If I was with a Wilma or even a Barney it'd be higher, but solo Fred Flintstone is low key sadder than American Murder: The Family Next Store. Points lost for wearing a Sox hat instead of my wig, although if memory serves me right I tried to do both and still lived and died with the Sox at the time.
#10. Action Bronson (2016)
While the costume itself was fucking siiiick, like I totally knocked it out of the park with the exception of being too skinny at the time to be a convincing Action Bronson...but like Tahani on the Good Place, I lose points for my motivation.
Simping was definitely not part of our daily lexicon back in 2016 (or hopefully ever), but it certainly is now, ESPECIALLY if you're a 23 year old fuckboi who thinks being nice to girls is simping. Trust tree: I 1000% was simping when I was Action Bronson for Halloween because I did it with the sole purpose of impressing this chick I fell in love with on tinder two years prior who loved Mr. Wonderful. The story ends with me never even hugging her (but we did go on two dates) why you gotta do me like thaaaat?
#9. Barack Obama (2008)
My junior year of high school, one of my boys and I were Obama and McCain for the party of my high school. Super relevant costume at the time, so major points for that, even if it was one of the more popular duo costumes that fall. All things considered this was a hashtag bad idea. Nothing to do with politics (I voted for Barry in 2012), but everything to do with wearing a mask and suit as a 16 year old getting shit-faced in my buddy's basement. I had to beg my dad for a half hour to wear his suit and then had to be super careful all night to not spill Bud Light (we didn't fuck around) on it. Major points lost for a lack of comfort and unneeded stress about not ruining my dad's suit.
#8. Barstool Big Cat (2016)
Again points lost for simping. I am humongous Big Cat fan. He's my favorite personality at my future employer and one of my personal heroes, but this costume was put together solely in hopes of catching a retweet and/or IG like. I went to the Mews alone like Stephen Glansberg too which is never good. Between the American Eagle sweatshirt that I turned into a vest, transforming a Braves hat to the Cubs and being too big of a pussy to shave to the skin with just a mustache (and weak one at that); major points lost for being a hack. You might recognize that shirt.
#7. Three Hole Punch Jim (2014)
This photo is what inspired the girl I'm talking about in the Action Bronson section to message me first on tinder. Now I think you get why I fell so hard. Gotta remember that I thought liking the Office was a personalty trait until like maaaaybe two years ago. As for the costume, super last minute and easy which isn't always the worst thing, even though I'm sure I'll shit on that very topic at some point in this blog if I haven't already.
#6. Bob Ross (2017)
Not to be confused with Jerry Garcia, I was Bob Ross at a dead-celebrity themed costume party in 2017. Idc if your stonefaced or in stitches, this one's kind of for me because everytime I see that Justin Guarini hair and Hagrid beard I lose it. This may be a tad higher than it deserves since I basically just wore a wig and beard with my Casual Friday look, but who doesn't love Bob Ross? Yes, I googled "Harry Potter beard guy" to successfully make that reference a sentence ago.
#5. Fat Mac From It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia (2017)
I should be on Inkmasters. Even though It's Always Sunny has been on since 2005 and has a huge following; this costume may have been too niche for my own good. I don't remember too many people paying me compliments for my craftsmanship with both the tattoos and t-shirt. Apparently I was drinking platinums instead of Rum Ham that night so who's to say what actually went down (other than me on the Ocean Mist floor)? Glad to see I got a few miles out of that fake beard in 2017.
#4. Lil Wayne (2010)
I didn't even need to put 2010 in the heading because the Four Loko is a dead giveaway. As someone trying to make a living on the internet I am so fucking happy I didn't use blackface as a dumb ass 18 year old. Nobody gives a shit if your brain wasn't fully developed. Dozie F. Baby and the F is for fupa. Freshmen 50 hit me hard. #lifelongstruggle.
#3. Russell Brand (2012)
I know I already used the word random in this post, but this is genuinely the most random costume I've ever done so it's super high for originality. Let me know the next time you see a random Russell Brand, not one of his characters for Halloween because it'll likely be the second time after me. I wish I could remember why I chose to be Russell Brand in 2012, but I'm going to just say it's because Get Him to the Greek is legitimately one of my favorite movies of all time. Almost positive my dad spray painted that hat gray for me. Instagram pics from 2012 might as well be daguerreotypes.
2. Miss Behavin' (2009)
Not to be confused with Aimee-Leigh and Baby Billy's hit song, when I was a senior in HS I got to express my overtly feminine side as Miss Behavin'. You know I enjoy expressing my fluidity and it was fantastic to use Halloween as an excuse to do just that. I could've got dicked down that night if I really wanted to, I mean look at those legs in those fishnets. If Femboy Hooters was a thing a decade earlier I'd be at least a bar manager by now.
#1. Tobias Funke (2014)
I'm afraid I just blue myself, but this is my unbiased favorite costume ever and no I'm not fucking Violet from Willy Wanka.
Let's just get the back-patting out of the way; I deserve soooo much credit for cutting the thumb off the bodysuit so I could use my phone. Bravo, Dozo. What a brain in that head!
I went to Bon Vue and/or Chucks this night and when I told you NOBODY knew who I was, NOBODY knew who I was. Which is fine, that's how I liked it during my URI days.
While face-paint in a crowded college bar when you're already husky AF might not be the best move, I have to again pat myself on the back for thinking a little outside the box and not being like everybody else who was a super senior in college by dressing up as a supporting character's alas from a show that was cancelled in 2006.
That concludes an unbiased power rankings of every costume I've since 2008. Well actually, I sorta told a white lie because I used that prison outfit for a regular criminal costume the night before with my then girlfriend, but since I have to pretend that part of my life never happened it will not be included. I just didn't want to lie to the loyal readers because that's not what a hashtag good guy does. Also, I'm pretty sure I was a redneck in 2011, but there's somehow no photos of that. Oh well! What's your favorite costume you've ever been for Halloween? #HireDozo
Tame Impala's New Video of an 8 Year Old Song Shows All The Work That Goes Into Their (His?) Music
I almost hate how much I love Tame Impala because of how popular they've gotten all of a sudden the last seven plus years. You probably have a cousin who knows about them at this point; which begs the question should you abandon your fandom now just that they're famous? As someone who started listening to them way back in the Summer of 2016, which was only an entire year after Currents was released, I just get them more than you.
While I do 100% seriously judge people based off their musical tastes, I can't help but I feel personally attacked by memes like that, as those are three of my favorite artists lolol.
I love Tame Impala and I don't effin care how much a basic stoner bro cliche that may make me. It's great music and yes I'm wearing a rug as I type this. Kevin Parker is a genius who just so happens to be the Brian Wilson of his generation minus all the time in bed. While I hate the term Stan, if I were to Stan anybody it'd be him.
If you want to sound like you really know what you're talking about with popular alternative culture, just let people know that you know Tame Impala is actually all Kevin Parker in casual conversation. Just pepper it in organically. People will be really impressed when you say "Yeah so he actually writes, performs and produces everything". If they ask "well, then why does he have a band with him during live shows?" you can quickly say "Hey, he's not Durga, the Hindu Goddess of War, what do you expect?
The history of Tame Impala's touring line-up thanks to the greatest resource in the world.
That is why the latest Tame video for "Why Don't They Talk To Me?" off of 2012's Lonerism (seriously) is so fascinating to me. We get to sorta see what it actually looks like when Kevin Parker plays multiple instruments to create art in this socially distanced down undah version of "Hey Ya!". Just as much credit belongs to director and editor Alex Haygarth's craftspersonship in making this. It makes me want to learn Adobe even more (Don Draper is smiling somewhere). In a time where your hands are some-what tied with in-person production it's pretty dope to see two people put something as aesthetically pleasing as this. Enjoy.
Fox is so Fucking Mean for Having David Ortiz Interview Mookie Betts as He's About to Win the World Series on a Team that isn't the Red Sox
Today is October 27th, but you already knew that, as the date is automatically posted on every DOL blog. October 27th happens to be pretty significant day in the history of the Boston Red Sox; 16 years ago tonight they beat the St. Louis Cardinals 3-0 to sweep the 2004 World Series and end the Curse of the Bambino.
In case you've never heard of baseball before, the Boston Red Sox used to have this guy named Babe Ruth on their team and made a grave mistake regarding his future with the organization. While in Boston, Ruth helped the Red Sox win three World Series (1915, 1916, 1918) and was widely considered one of the best pitchers in all of baseball. Since the DH was still over 50 years away from implementation, the Babe could also swing the lumber; better than entire teams as a matter of fact.
Babe Ruth lead the American League in home runs with 11 in 1918, while still making 20 starts as a pitcher. The next season (1919) Ruth only made 17 starts, but led all of baseball with 29 home runs; the next closest batter had 10. The following season he was a New York Yankee because the Red Sox didn't like that he wanted to be a full time position player because why play the best player in baseball every day when he can pitch every three or four (pretty sure teams only had 2.5 men rotations back then)?
When the Babe retired, he was the all-time home run leader. The Yankees would win 26 World Series in the next 84 years before the Red Sox won it all again (86 in total).
When the Red Sox finally broke that curse in 2004 it was certainly a team effort; Curt Schillng, Pedro Martinez, Derek Lowe, Manny Ramirez, Bill Mueller, Orlando Cabrera, Keith Foulke, Jason Varitek, Johnny Damon, Kevin Millar, fuck even Dave Roberts, Curtis Leskanic and Mark Bellhorn did their thing. That being said, I still think it's safe to say David Ortiz was a tad more responsible than other 24 guys on the playoff roster to make that a reality.
While there's no doubting that players like Ted Williams or Carl Yastrzemski were "better" overall baseball players, David Ortiz is considered by many to be the most important player in Red Sox history for the role he played in turning the culture around in Boston. The Red Sox went from Kings of "almost, but not quite there" club by losing Game 7 of the World Series FOUR times between 1946-1986 and the Grady Little game in 2003, to three World Series Championships before he retired in 2016.
Even though the 2016 Red Sox were swept in the ALDS by the eventual AL Champs (Cleveland Indians) and the face of the franchise retired, the future still felt super bright; Mookie Betts was the MVP-runner up and won the RF Gold Glove AND Silver Slugger. In 2018 Mookie helped lead the Red Sox to their 4th World Series title of the 21st century and won basically every award you can win along the way. Not only was he everything you wanted on the field, but he did everything right off it as well. You couldn't create a player in a video game who's more worthy of a long-term deal than Mookie Betts.
Not even a year and a half after literally the best season in franchise history, the food stamp Red Sox traded Mookie to Los Angeles for a bag of dirty laundry and a broken N64. The Boston Red Sox, who are one of the richest sports organizations on the planet chose to not pay a man who is literally a generational talent. â
I have not taken the trade well.
-I Want To Believe It, But I'm Not Sure I Do (Yet)
-Not Only Do The Red Sox Suck at Baseball and Paying Generational Talent, but They Suck at Twitter Too!
â-It Looks Like The Dodgers Are About To Sign Mookie to a Giant Deal
-Some Telling Stats About The Future of The United States of America
-How to Induce Vomiting (in New England)
-Mookie Betts Buys Groceries and Pizza For People Shopping and Working in Tennessee
â-John Henry FINALLY Addresses The Mookie Betts Trade (and I Address My Future as a Red Sox Fan)
-After Nearly A Week of Hold Ups The Curse of Mookie Is Official (R.I.P. My Red Sox Fandom)
â-So You're Telling Me There's a Chance?
-I Officially No Longer Love The Boston Red Sox
So on the day that the 2004 Red Sox should be celebrating getting their drivers license, the not-so-good people at FOX thought it was a good idea to have the face of that team interview the man who should've been the face of the Boston Red Sox until the 2030's. Thanks, bro! Really appreciate that salt in burst gusher that is my heart. In said interview David Ortiz asked Mookie if he ever thought he'd spend the next 12 years in a Dodger uniform and Mookie replied with this.
I don't need to pick at the "this is the worst move since selling Babe Ruth" scab or explain how shortsighted and stupid the Red Sox are for drafting and developing the 2nd best player in all of baseball only to trade him and a Cy Young Award winner to save money, only to use that money on inferior talent. I'm gonna have a fucking stroke dwelling on this shit.
Red Sox fans know this ownership group has zero plan for sustained success; that's why they finished in last in 2014 and won 24 less games in 2019 than they did in 2018. This is the same team who traded Jon Lester because he was too old (30) in 2014 and then signed David Price to a 7 year-217 million dollar deal in 2015 when he was you guessed it, 30...only to trade him away to save money after four seasons.
The big debate has been on whether or not Mookie actually wanted to stay in Boston. After watching that clip idk how you can think anything else? If the Red Sox gave Mookie a fair offer he'd still be here and I'm sorry, nothing they ever offered him was fair. Instead we have an ownership group who runs around like a chicken with its head cut off when it comes to decision making that then has the balls to defend this indefensible move because he won't be as fast in 2029.
Trading away Mookie Betts is inexcusable and will be the biggest mistake in the history of the Red Sox because at least when they sold Babe Ruth they didn't have the foresight to see how much a deal like that can set your organization back, but hey John Henry will miss his smile!
#DozzFeed 33 Things That Were Happening Across the World the Last Time the New England Patriots Had a Three Game Losing Streak
Previous issues of #Dozzfeed:
39 Photos That Will Bring You Right Back to the 90's!!!
17 People Who Played for the Lakers and Celtics
8 Financial Memes That Will Inspire You To Become RICH!
I apologize for the heavy dose of sportsball on #DozzFeed, but when we learned that a streak that lasted nearly 18 years had come to an end, it simply couldn't be ignored.
When the San Francisco 49ers defeated The New England Patriots 33-6, not only was it the Patriots' biggest loss in the history of Gillette Stadium, but it was also their third straight defeat. It's been an awfully long time since that's happened. This is the longest those cheating jerks have gone without a win since losing four straight games from Week 4-8 of the 2002 season. Back then the dreamy Jimmy G was just a middle school heartthrob.
If there's one thing we love at #Dozzfeed more than we dislike those New England Cheatriots; it's nostalgia. So let's set our trip machines back to any date between September 29th and October 27th, 2002 and see what was going on back in the days of Von Dutch Hats and Ashanti when the Patriots last lost more than two in a row (something they only did 9 times between 2003-2019).
1. September 29th, 2002: Halsey Turned 8 Years Old
2. September 30th, 2002: Japanese Prime Minister Junichiro Koizumi fired financial regulator Hakuo Yanagisawa in favor of economy minister Heizō Takenaka
3. October 1st, 2002: Brie Larson Turned 13 Years Old
4. October 1st, 2002: Good Charlotte Released "The Young and the Hopeless"
5. October 2nd, 2002: The D.C. Snipers' Killing Spree Begins in Wheaton, Maryland
6. Christiana 2nd, 2002: Christiana Aguilera's "Dirrty" Video Joins the MTV Rotation
7. October 4th, 2002; Jonah: A Veggietales Movie was Released in the United States
8. October 5th, 2002: New York Post Announced that CSI Stars William Peterson and Marg Hellenberger's Salaries Have Doubled
9. October 6th, 2002: Limburg Oil Tanker (Which Was Holding 397,000 Barrels of Crude Oil) Was Attacked By Suicide Bombers
10. October 7th, 2002: The Disney Channel Updated Its Logo for the 5th Time
11. October 7th, 2002: Footballer Cristiano Ronaldo Scores Two Goals in His Primeira League Debut
12. October 8th, 2002: Simple Plan Releases "I'd Do Anything" as the Second Single off of their Major Label Debut No Pads, No Helmets...Just Balls
13. October 9th, 2002: Aileen Wuornos is executed at Florida State Prison
14. October 10th, 2002: Hungarian writer and Holocaust survivor Imre Kertész is awarded the Nobel Prize for Literature
15. October 10th, 2002: Beyonce and Jay Z Release "03 Bonnie & Clyde"
16. October 11th, 2002: Johnny Knoxville and Ron White Appeared on Late Show with David Letterman
17. October 12th, 2002: The Anaheim Angels Win Game 4 of the 2002 ALCS 7-1 to Extend Their Series Lead to 3-1
18. October 12th, 2002: Actress Iris Apatow was Born
19. October 13th, 2002: Drew Bledsoe Passes for 254 Yards and 2 Touchdowns in a 31-24 win over the newly formed Houston Texans
20. October 14th, 2002: PBS' Arthur Celebrates Its 100th Episode
21. October 15th, 2002: Sir Winston Churchill's Personal Secretary, Grace Hamblin Passed Away at 94 Years Old
22. October 16th, 2002: Geraldo Rivera was in Hot Water After Appearing at a Hooters Only Minutes After Reporting at the Scene of a DC Sniper Killing
23. October 17th, 2002: Eminem Turned 30 Years Old
24. October 18th, 2002: Barry Bonds Homer for the 3rd Straight Game of the 2002 World Series (Giants lost 10-4)
25. October 19th, 2002: Senator John McCain Hosts SNL (The White Stripes were the Musical Guest)
26. October 20th, 2002: The Ring Rakes in 15 Million Dollars to Take the Top Spot at the Box Office
27. October 21st, 2002: New York Magazine Asked the Tough Question about Moms
28. October 22nd, 2002: Several People World-Wide Celebrated the 369th Anniversary of the Ming Dynasty Defeating the Dutch East India Company at the Battle of Liaoluo Bay
29. October 23rd, 2002: Chicopee, Massachusetts Experienced 0.3 Inches of Snowfall
30. October 24th, 2002: John Muhammad and Lee Boyd Malvo are Found Sleeping in a Maryland Rest Stop and are Arrested on Federal Weapon Charges.
31. October 25th, 2002: Pablo Picasso Would've Turned 121 Years Old Had He Not Died in 1973
32. October 26th, 2002: Sk8er Boi by Avril Lavigne Topped the American Top 40 Charts.
33. October 27th, 2002; Grand Theft Auto: Vice City was Released
A lot sure has happened since the Patriots' last three game losing streak. What's your favorite event that happened between September 29th and October 27th, 2002? If it didn't make the cut be sure to mention it in the comments! #DozzFeed
The #TooManyLegs Teaser is BACK!!!!
After a brief two week dry spell, the DOL #TooManyLegs Teaser of the Week is all the way back. Sorry about the push, I gotta be better for the people but 7-0-1 gets you a nice +800 payout. Not bad for trusting the Doz man. Time to update the graphic!
Hey Siri, play"Isn't She Lovely?" by Lil' Stevie Wonder
Other than potentially losing my wallet that included a punch card that was ONE punch away from a free eyebrow threading (and the Patriots suffering their worst home defeat in the history of Gillette Stadium) today was a fantastic day. Please help me out by sharing blogs that you like, liking tweets/IGs and throwing ya boi some retweets. I want you to be able to say you knew about me before I blew up (not in a sense of a weight; that already happened :/ ). So blessed to have a brain that allowed the DOL #TooManyLegs Teaser of the Week to reach 4-2. Can't wait for next week. #HireDozo
Week 2 and 3
Week 5 (booo Bengals)
After a Heather Graham in Austin Powers the Spy Who Shagged Me level hot-start to the 2020 NFL campaign, the #TooManyLegs teaser has looked more like Frau the last half-month of the season.
Oh I'm sorry, were you expected a Tommy Boy reference after those memes to start the blog? Well if you spent a little more time reading DOL and a little less playing with your dinghy; you'd know I'm chock full'o super timely pop culture references. I'm sure you're thinking, "Dozo, I'm not a barstool executive, I'm just trying to make a little money and you've been fucking me the last two weeks like Rob Lowe was fucking Bo Derek in Tommy Boy under the false pretenses of being mother and son".
I'd be quick to remind you the TML teaser is still +28 units on the season, so let's not panic yet. Sure the #TooManyLegs Teaser has slipped to 3-2, but this a marathon not a sprint and we are still super profitable, but it's time to turn things around, let's look at this weeks teases.
Packers +3 (from -3)
After a quick 10-0 lead in Tompa Bay last week, Aaron Rodgers threw two horrible INTs in what felt like a 34 seconds of real time. Before you could say Key and Peele the cheese-wheels had fallen off the Pack Wagon as Green Bay surrendered 38 straight points to pick up their first loss of the season.
The Houston Texans should be get praised for going for two last week, not chastised. I am a HUGE fan of going for two up seven points late to try and make it a two score game (aka in surmountable). I saw the Seahawks try and fail in a very similar situation in 2016 against the Pats. Love the move. Go for the throat.
That is where the nice remarks about the Texans end, this has get-right-game written all over it for the Packers coming off an embarrassing loss. Texans are just what the crystal doctor order. Even if the Texans somehow pull this off I feel pretty good here with Packers +3.
Panthers +12.5 (from +6.5)
Between Teddy Two Gloves returning to NOLA and the fact that the Saints will be without both Michael Thomas and Manny Sanders I LOVEEE the Panthers to at the very least keep it with 10 points. Wouldn't be shocked to seem pull of the upset, but in teasers I am a huge fan of wiggle room and getting a decent team +12.5 in a divisional game is more than ideal.
Last year while going 5-0 for the Saints, Teddy Bridgewater got sacked on SNF and they played Teddy Picker by the Arctic Monkeys going into the commercials, as long as Teddy doesn't throw multiple picks I love Panthers +12.5 here. I may sprinkle ML.
Chiefs -1 (from -7)
Even with snow, I think the Chiefs should be able to handle the Broncos with relative ease. I know they're not your slightly younger self's Patriots, but it's still the Pats and I just don't see the lowly Broncos beating the New England Patriots and Kansas City Chiefs in back to back weeks. No need to overthink here. Only reason I didn't tease the over down was because the snow kinda scares me.
Bucs at Raiders OVER 45.5 (from 51.5)
In a rematch of Super Bowl 38 we should see a lot of points. The Raiders are 6th in scoring and 27th in points allowed while Tompa Bay is 8th in points scored respectively. Tampa's defense is pretty good at 8th in league, but Derek Carr is sneaky not awful and with no fans, in a dome, I think both teams will get in the 20's.
49ers at Patriots OVER 39 (from 45)
Both teams have underachieved this year, as they combine for a 5-6 record after only having 7 losses combined all last season. Both have been getting some key guys back, and the Patriots actually practiced last night. I wouldn't be shocked whatsoever to see the 49ers pull this off, but the Pats haven't lost 3 straight games since 2002. Over 39 was just too low to pass up. Pats offense looks much better than last week, but the defense breaks and gives up some touchdowns. We'll see 40+ points in Foxboro, I'm literally betting on it.
Steelers at Titans OVER 45 (from 51)
Two of the best and highest scoring teams in the league were supposed to meet like a month ago, but thanks to the big C are meeting as undefeateds in Week 7. I have zero clue who will win this game, but the Titans are 2nd in the NFL in points scored and the Steelers are 4th. Give me over 45.
Chargers -1.5 (from -7.5)
In a matchup of teams that haven't won since Week 1, at least you can say the Chargers have played well. They could've beaten the Chiefs, Bucs or Saints. As for the Jags it looks like the tank is fully back on as Gardiner Minshew is on the verge of being benched. Chargers have been inching and clawing towards a win the last month and the Jaguars are the perfect team to face in that spot.
Browns at Bengals OVER 44.5 (from 50.5)
From week 2-5 during their four game winning streak the Brown scored 30+ points every week. Of course they looked like shit against the Steelers last night because the sun still rose and people still walked the planet. That's just what's going to happen. Against the in-state rival Bengals who give up 26.2 points a game we'll find a way like the Drake and Josh theme song to get over that 44.5 hump.
Good luck and as always bet responsibly. #HireDozo
For some reason, the New England Patriots decided that a random Thursday in October was the best time to announce an "All-Dynasty" Team. Maybe they heard you (the media) talking shit about how they're below .500 in October for the first time since 2002?
Are the Patriots the girl who's in a rut and posts picture from her trip to Miami four months and 15 pounds ago to get some "OMG, kill me, you look so pretty" or "SLaaaaaaaayyyyyyyy Queeeeen" comments to boost her self-esteem and to let you know that she's still got it despite rough times?
I am a huge fan of sports history and perspective, so I have zero issue whatsoever with them releasing a list honoring the Brady years. Apparently it's part of a new exhibit at the Patriots Hall of Fame. It is an all-time flex to be able to release a double-dynasty team, I don't even really care that they didn't include Deion Branch; what I do care about is the presentation. I hate to pull a Cowherd cause we all love to talk about how Bill doesn't give a shit about what he's wearing, but I'm sorry sometimes presentation matters. Idc what the coach is wearing on the sidelines, but on ring night you know he's got on a suit. The world found out about the Pat's All-Dynasty team in the twitter version of a note on cocktail napkin.
There's not even a graphic of this double-dynasty team. They couldn't at least make a low quality meme in an instagram story like I do? How low budget is this shit? It's an insult to the greatest run in NFL history. I get there's going to be an awesome exhibit, like seriously awesome, here's some of the pieces that are going to be included. (via)
But I think these 15 defenders, 18 offensive players and 7 special teamers deserve a little more respect than this. That tweeted list is so low quality that it belongs on an Imagine Dragons album sleeve. Like we couldn't of get a little 2 minute highlight video or all their pictures photoshopped like a Bleacher Report hate crime against humanity?
This shit is a disgrace, bro. Don't even get me goin' on starting the list with defensive line instead of Brady and if I'm being completely honest it's bullshit that Duron Harmon didn't get at least an honorable mention and Lawyer Milloy did.
In a way it's the most Patriots move of all-time to announce such a prestigious list this way, but I mean come onnnn man, some the boys a little more love than a notes app tweet.
I am big mad about the disrespect Duron Harmon has gotten from these all-time teams.
I told you last night that I'd be back to give a more in depth take regarding the Mookie news that Felger leaked on his radio program and as a man of my word, here I am.
ICYMI, please watch this video.
I almost wish that I didn't embed that tweet until after I finished typing this blog because just looking at Mookie in a Red Sox uniform tears my heart open like a 2004 Papa Roach song.. I get TRIGGERED, my dude/tte. My five stages of grief have just been denial, anger and depression multiplied by 1.666repeating.
As you'll see many times in this blog, I still cannot fucking believe this is reality. I'm not exaggerating when I say I've spent well over three weeks of my life trying to comprehend out how the Red Sox could actually decide that trading Mookie Betts was in the best interest of the organization.
I'm not saying that I spent three straight weeks thinking about it, I'm saying that if you pooled all the time I've been just living my life, minding my own business and a thought like "holy fuck, the Red Sox actually traded Mookie Betts" or "How the hell could you give away such a dynamic player for so little in return?" or "How can you be so fucking stupid? Do you not know anything about the history of this organization?" popped into my head; all those 40 seconds here, 30 minutes there collectively total approximately three weeks of time.
Despite what you may think, I take no pleasure in shitting on the Boston Red Sox for making one of the worst personnel decisions in history of sports. I'd give almost anything to reverse it. I'd even cut my gorgeous hair. I'd bic my head for a year straight to have Mookie back for the rest of his career, call me Dozie Corgan. That's just the kind of hashtag good guy I am.
I loved the Red Sox. Fenway Park was my favorite place on earth. Nothing was hotter to me than an attractive young lady in Red Sox garb.
Up until like eight months ago being a Red Sox fan would be like the 4th thing I'd say to describe myself. Now whether that was a problem itself is for another day, but I've thought about this trade more than I've thought about anything else in 2020. I'm talking more than Covid, more than actively trying to get hired by Barstool #HireDozo, more than my attemptsto get my emotional eating in-check, more than how fucked my family dynamic is right now, more than all thesocial and political unrest in this country, more than how I'm high key in love with someone who will never see me that way, more than how underrated Sweet Chili Doritos are and certainly more than what Orville Peck's real fucking name is.
When it appeared the Red Sox chose saving money over keeping literal generational talent it ruined everything. It's like if you were married someone you absolutely loved for 20 years then they murdered your parents; you don't care how great the first five years were when you're metaphorically standing in a pool of your parent's blood. If you have any self respect you'll leave them, even if deep down you still care.
That's how I felt about the Red Sox, that's why I wanted people to Boycott them this year before Covid took care of that for me.
I felt betrayed. I have loved this team through thick and thin. I've tried to get people my age to realize how awesome baseball is. I spent years of my life loving this team and this is how they repaid me? I'll say it again; that trade ruined everything. It ended almost 20 years of love and devotion. I wanted them to hurt financially for making what appeared to be a purely financial move because there is no defending this move on the field. Mookie did everything you could possibly ask for and they repay him by trading him for a vending machine and used MacBook? It angered me to my core that John Henry had the nerve to write that pity letter to the fans. It drove me insane that years of horrible contracts came to bite them at the worst possible time. I needed someone to channel all my anger at.
Now I'm not saying this news completely makes me forgive the Red Sox. It's not like one minute long clip is going to fix everything; We don't even know if it's fucking true, but nothing would shock me at this point. I'm willing to listen. Are the Red Sox just trying to save face now that the entire world is laughing at them? Or were they really willing to pay Mookie whatever he wanted and he said no thanks like Tom Brady to my autograph request as a tween? I'm not sure, I don't know if we'll ever definitively know unless John Henry decides to be honest for the first time in his life. I'm sure more stuff will leak once the season is over.
What I do know is.... if Felger is right, IF the Red Sox were willing to do what it takes to keep Mookie here then of course I have to reconsider all the horrible things I've said about this franchise. Did they really have to pick between looking cheap and being turned down by their own?
I don't enjoy not being a Red Sox fan, but for my own sanity I had take to a step back. How can you expect someone to get emotionally and financially invested in a team that would cheap out on someone who had a legitimate chance to be the best player to ever don the uniform? There's literally no point if that's how they're gonna run. Idc about four World Series since 2004, this move destroyed everything; like murdering your spouse's parents.
Again, I'm sure this off-season more news will come out as this trade is going to define this franchise for the next 15 (maybe 86) years. All I know is that trading Mookie to save money when you're worth billions is terminate fandom worthy offense, if he straight up wanted to leave then of course I'll have to reconsider my stance. I said throughout this process that if they really were trying to pull a Chapman that I would eat a crow. If the Red Sox genuinely offered Mookie what he wanted and he still wanted out then I'll beg for forgiveness. I don't know if I can believe that, but goT damnit do I want to for my own sanity.
I didn't blog it, so I totally understand if you didn't realize that the World Series started yesterday. Please don't feel bad...the Los Angeles Dodgers are playing the Tampa Bay Rays in fucking Texas. Honestly, how would you have even known? Literally nobody cares. Do not sweat it.
It's no secret that the Mookie Betts trade has fucked ya boi UP. It ruined baseball for me. It's been impossible for me to disassociate the trade from the sport I loved, so I've simply stopped paying attention. It is NOT a smart professional move for me as my depth of baseball knowledge rivals Oregon's Crater Lake, but this trade has killed more of me than my eating habits eventually will. It goes without saying that Covid is the worst thing that's happened in 2020, we all know that (even though technically it's from 2019), but if there was to be a 1-a. that dishonor goes to the trading of Markus Lynn Betts and what it truly represents (or at least so I thought). No, that's too far. The death of Kobe and Gigi Bryant crash was worse, much worse, but the Mookie trade takes the bronze on the worst events of 2020 unless that very stable genius gets re-elected.
I have not taken the trade too well and it's past 11 o'clock on a school night; I know maaaybe 2 people will read this blog tonight and I'm counting myself as one of them. I'm going to sleep on it and give me full thoughts on the matter tomorrow, but this news at the very least has to be given the time of day, but at the same time it's fucking Felger. How can this guy be trusted?
I gotta say... a lot of points make sense and they deserve a full diving into tomorrow after another day of playing Covid police in the cafeteria. As a future professional blogger it is my duty to at least give you this appetizer tonight, but I'll end with this, I may have to start writing some serious apology blogs.