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I'm not a guy who remembers a ton of specific conversations, but I can remember being a freshman in college (in 2010) joking around with a buddy about how I wished there was a way to keep track of things like how many beers I'll drink throughout college or how many timed I've ever jerked off.
Nowadays, I'm sure there are a couple dozen consumption and masturbation tracking apps, but 11 years ago, data analysis like that was not readily available. This was an era where most RBIs were how you determined the best power hitter in baseball. Moneyball was still just a book at this point! Screen time didn't mean what it does now. With advancements in technology, there are literally endless possibilities of who and what can be tracked. You can wear a bracelet that knows how many steps you've taken, your standing heart rate, and the last time you were asleep (and for how long). Your phone can tell you exactly how many times you've picked it up today. After you've stopped focusing on all the intrusive, 1984-like ways these technologies are utilized, there's no denying some good has come from all this data. One of the pros of all this mainstream analytical data is the emergence of the brilliant, talented and gorgeous, Cynthia Frelund. She is a data scientist for the NFL Network, which is undoubtedly a position that did not exist in 2010. 
But quite possibly, the best thing to come from all the data is the advancement they've played in how sports are played, coached, and analyzed. Sports are mostly (the shift has ruined baseball) better because of data; more information is a good thing! There is so much more to the games we love than run-of-the-mill "counting stats" like home runs or touchdowns. Analytics and data are responsible for creating entirely new industries in the sports business.
The release of Cam Newton and trading of Sony Michel will have the Patriots offense looking a lot different this season, but that is a great thing (they finished 27th in points). They've got plenty of RB depth and have two young guys who've played much better than expected this preseason....literally. Rookie RB Rhamondre Stevenson lead the preseason in rushing yards over expected, which essentially means based on blocking and hits, he gained more yards than expected than any other back in the league this preseason. Who finished second? His teammate J.J. Taylor.
I appreciate advanced numbers and stats, but I will not act like I didn't take college math my senior year of HS; this article will do a much better job explaining what this stat actually means. TL;DR of Rushing Yards Over Expected is "the difference between actual rushing yards and expected rushing yards on an individual play or series of plays."
In my eyes, it means these guys run fucking hard. I love what they've shown this August. Every time J.J. had the rock in his hands, it felt like he got at least three more yards than he should.
According to the data, I was right. Taylor had 23 carries this preseason and ended up with 62 RYOE. 23 divided by 62 = 2.69565217 or as I like to call it...three more yards/carry than he should've had.
We all know the preseason doesn't automatically translate to regular season success; the 2008 Lions and 2017 Browns both went 4-0 in the preseason before going 0-16, but this is just me here...I'd rather have two young backs lead the NFL in rushing yards over expected than not. I am genuinely excited for the Pats...I said it earlier and I'll say it again...this team gives me MAJOR 2001 vibes. I cannot wait to see what Rhamondre and J.J. do in the real thing getting tackled by first-stringers.
P.S.
Secret's out, Cynth.
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It appears that the New England Patriots and Quarterback Cam Newton's time together has come to the end of the road, but unlike Boyz II Men, it seems quite natural to replace this:
With this:
Now, of course, this news broke hours ago, but my newly formed fantasy league group chat (after a year away from the game) hit the nail right on the head.
Officially, my day didn't start until around 2 P.M., but I've had plenty of time to think about this somewhat shocking transaction while fake-sleeping, trying to avoid the fact I have to go back to P***************** schools next week as I am still not #HireDdozo.
Last year, I wanted the Pats to take a flyer on Cam, I referenced in blogs, and when they did sign him, I was pumped. I was all in on Cam after a decent showing against the Dolphins in Week 1 and coming up a foot short from beating the Seahawks the following week. People forget he was in the MVP discussion 11.76% through the year. I may have even bought his jersey right after week one, but my stance on Cam changed as often as Sabrina Nichole's hair throughout the season.
Coming into the 2021 campaign, the Pats handled the Cam situation exactly how I wanted them to. Now whether or not that is a good thing remains to be seen, but I absolutely love the way they let it play out; they resigned Cam to a super-reasonable one year deal to give it another go (I was in the camp of bringing Cam back because of all the outside factors that played a part in his disappointing season), drafted a QB to compete, held a QB competition, determined a winner and have a direction going forward.
Now, I was like basically everybody else, I knew Mac was the future, but figured the Patriots would start Cam after how well he's performed this preseason with the intention of starting Mac once the time was right. I did not think they're straight up cut Cam Newton, although it makes a lot of sense (the lack of Mac insurance worries me). I definitely believe his unvaccinated status played a factor. It's just another distraction and hurdle that Belichick doesn't want to deal with.
Cam is not a guy who wants to be a backup, he competed well throughout camp, but the COVID-slip up may have ultimately done him in in Foxboro. It looks like the Patriots chose to release him instead of seek a trade partner out of respect (but I wouldn't be shocked if he didn't ask for his outright release). Via: PFT
"Per a league source, the Patriots did not attempt to trade Cam Newton before cutting him. The move was made out of respect for Newton. If the Patriots had begun calling around in an effort to generate interest, all it would have taken was one person to say one thing to one reporter, and the news that the Patriots are trying to trade Cam would have become the biggest story in all of football."
Cam Newton has not remained silent throughout the process, telling people in his own way to not feel sorry for him and that he'll be fine.
If I were a gambling man (which I am, Too Many Legs is returning for Week 1), I'd say the Washington Football Team (Ron Rivera connection, currently going with Ryan Fitzpatrick), Houston Texans (DeShaun could get locked up any moment) or Dallas Cowboys (Dak insurance) make the most sense for Cam's next stop.
As for the Patriots, I love the message this move sets for the team; the Mac Jones era has officially begun and I cannot wait for this team to shock the league. I'm guaranteeing playoffs, but I'm getting major 2001 vibes with the way this roster was built. The Pats signed like 23 free agents that season to go from 5-11 to 11-5. As coach Belichick says, "it's not about assembling talent, it's about building a team" well, his team officially has one voice leading it and it's the right one. 12-5 here we come.
P.S. The moral of the story is just get the fucking shot.
Double P.S.
Song: America's Cup (2021) Artist: POND Album: 9 Fun Fact: The America's Cup sailing race was held in Newport, Rhode Island, from 1930-1983, and basically every member of POND has had an affiliation with Tame Impala at one time or another.
Part of me doesn't even want to give this loser more attention on a publication as successful as DOL, but there's no way on earth I wasn't going to cover this story. Spencer Elden, aka the baby on Nevermind, who is now 30 years old, is suing everybody involved with Nirvana's classic sophomore album for child porn.
Spencer Elden, now 30, claimed in a suit that the defendants involved “knowingly produced, possessed, and advertised commercial child pornography,” that they “failed to take reasonable steps to protect Spencer and prevent his widespread sexual exploitation,” that they’ve continued “to benefit from their participation in Spencer’s commercial sexual exploitation,” and that Spencer “has suffered and will continue to suffer lifelong damages.”
The defendants in the case include the two surviving members of Nirvana, Dave Grohl and Krist Novoselic, the three people who oversee Kurt Cobain’s estate (Courtney Love, Guy Oseary, and Heather Parry), photographer Kirk Weddle, art director Robert Fisher, and various record companies and distributors. Nirvana’s former drummer Chad Channing is also listed as a defendant, even though he was not involved in Nevermind. Elden is seeking $150,000 damages from each defendant, plus other legal costs. Elden was four months old at the time he appeared on the Nevermind cover, with the photograph taken at a pool in Pasadena, California. While non-sexualized photos of infants are typically not considered child pornography under law, the suit argues that the images of Elden are sexualized. For instance, the suit claims that Weddle, the photographer, tried to ensure the cover would “trigger a visceral sexual response from the viewer” by activating “Spencer’s ‘gag reflex’ before throwing him underwater in poses highlighting and emphasizing Spencer’s exposed genitals.” It also claims that pairing the nude portrait with a dollar bill on a fish hook makes it look as if Spencer is being depicted “like a sex worker.” The suit also compares the Nevermind cover to other controversial album covers “depicting a child or outright child pornography” like Scorpions’ Virgin Killer, Blind Faith’s self-titled, and Van Halen’s Balance. It claims, “Like other controversial album covers, the Defendants sought to garner attention with an explicit image which intentionally focused on Spencer’s carefully positioned enlarged genitals.” After noting the global success of Nevermind, the suit mentions that Spencer never received any compensation for the photo and that neither he, nor his guardians, “ever signed a release authorizing the use of any images of Spencer or of his likeness, and certainly not of commercial child pornography depicting him.” (Elden’s father, Rick, who was friends with Weddle, told NPR in 2008 that the parents were paid $200 for the shoot.) While Elden has repeatedly re-created the Nevermind cover as an adolescent and adult (though not nude), the suit ends by saying, “Spencer has been and will continue to suffer personal injury by the distribution and possession of child pornography depicting him.” It goes on to state that Elden has suffered “extreme and permanent emotional distress with physical manifestations, interference with his normal development and educational progress, lifelong loss of income earning capacity, loss of past and future wages, past and future expenses for medical and psychological treatment, loss of enjoyment of life” and other losses to be determined at trial.
This poor baby!
You guys, do you realize how much trauma this caused for little Spencer Elden all these years? So much that he hasn't let the world forget for one minute that HE was on the cover of Nevermind and is responsible for one of the most famous acts in music history, not the generation-defining music! 
I guess he really has been suffering from life long damages since he's been reenacting the cover his whole life.
He totally doesn't have the same hair as Kurt Cobain, either. There's no possible way this was intentional, and don't you dare even start with the "he has Nevermind tattooed on his chest" because that is simply a coincidence. He could've just as easily had In Utero or MTV Unplugged tatted there.
I don't know if all my readers read the original story that I included from Rolling Stone, but in case you didn't, it has perhaps the most ridiculous claim in the history of courts, dating back to the Roman Republic.
"It also claims that pairing the nude portrait with a dollar bill on a fish hook makes it look as if Spencer is being depicted “like a sex worker.” As we all know, you never pay a sex worker directly; part of the thrill is making them chase their payments on a fishhook like an insurance commercial. That's why motels in Las Vegas sell them in their vending machines next to condoms.
I openly loathe cancel culture, but even I can admit it would be fucking hilarious if this obvious money grab by someone who thinks they matter when they don't winds up canceled for opening their big mouth. To paraphrase Daniel Tosh, "I'm drowning in irony."
Now a small part, and I'm talking like baby dick small part of me feels bad that this dude's family only got $200 for appearing on one of the most famous album covers of all time, but this sounds like a situation where you should be more upset with your parents. Scottie Pippen laughs at their negotiation skills. They're the ones who "whored" you out for two C notes. They must really love you! Did they not listen to Bleach and know that Nirvana was gonna blow up? You should sue them for not understanding the concept of royalties and residuals.
Everybody on earth has the same take, but fuck this kid. This is why people hate Americans. "Wahhhh, you didn't wanna do an art show; I'm gonna sue you even though I've exploited my 15 minutes of fame for three decades!" The funny thing is, if he's really hurting for cash that badly, I feel like a guy like Dave Grohl has the kindness in his heart to throw him a few bones. Instead, Elden is the laughing stock of the internet. This lawsuit could really backfire. Isn't he the one using the cover to pick up chicks? That sounds a lot more like child porn to me. He's basically using it as foreplay.
P.S.
Fucking Nolan Ryan, man.
Double P.S.
Semi-rare, added after realizing Grammarly turned Scottie into Scott, TRIPLE P.S.
I know this isn't Scottie, but his Bulls did beat Sir Charles in the '93 Finals. This is one of my favorite photos of all-time. I abuse that phrasing, but this usage is 2 legit 2 quit (which was Top 5 in 1991). 
Between drafting Damien Harris in 2019 and seeing him develop into the lead back last season, declining his 5th-year option, and drafting Rhamondre Stevenson this year, it felt like Sony Michel's time in New England was coming to an end.
Today, that feeling became official news when Sony Michel was shipped off to Los Angeles Rams for two conditional draft picks.
From a football standpoint, this move makes all the sense in the world; the Pats backfield is low-key loaded and with Sony set to enter free agency after the season, the odds of retaining him seemed bleak at best. Now there's one less mouth to feed between Damien Harris, James White, JJ Taylor (my fucking BOY), and rookie Rhamondre Stevenson. Brandon Bolden will likely be just a special teams guy, but he's in the mix as well.
For the Rams, they lost Cam Akers and needed another back. They got one that helped them lose a Super Bowl for a pretty reasonable price. HUGE s/o to Field Yates for calling this trade a month ago.
As for Sony Michel, his legacy in New England is open for interpretation. In an era where taking running backs in the first round has gone out of style, it was somewhat shocking to see the Pats take a running back with knee issues #31 overall, one spot before eventual 2019 league MVP Lamar Jackson.
Sony is a solid back, racking up over 900 yards his first two seasons, but his play and regression were frustrating AF as a fan. Plus, it's clear as day his Georgia teammate, Nick Chubb, is the superior pro. If there was a 2018 redraft, it's safe to say Sony isn't a 1st rounder. But at the end of the day, Sony Michel was a workhorse back for the 2018 Patriots Super Bowl run. Flags fly forever. It's hard to say they win it all without him. Part of me thinks about the Timmy Smith argument where it's more because of the offensive line, but it's hard to argue with his playoff production. 
I liked Sony (at times), I took a flyer on him in the 10th round in fantasy his rookie year, and it was encouraging to see him catch some passes this preseason, but this is an excellent move for the Patriots. It opens up the backfield for other backs with higher ceilings and better knees.
Speaking of Sony's knees, I don't think you have to worry about this turning into a Curtis Martin situation where you're looking back in 10 years and realizing you gave away a Hall of Famer (I know the Pats didn't trade him, but the point remains). I wish Sony the best of luck and definitely wish the Pats took Nick Chubb instead, but they won a Super Bowl with Sony at the end of the day, so it's hard to complain here. The pick might've not worked out long-term, but it worked. It's not like he was Darko Milicic on the 04 Pistons. I just can't wait to see what the Pats do with the four backs that are expected to make an impact this season. I was low-key worried about there not being a roster spot for JJ, and now that shouldn't be an issue (although you can never assume anything with Bill).
After dangling the carrot in front of my hundreds of loyal followers for months, the day has finally come...tomorrow
@10 a.m. EST (9 central), ya boi, Ole Dozo will be going live on Instagram (@Dozonlife) to battle both Uptown Balls and Out of Office in a battle of knowledge and wits to put my money where my mouth is to show my trivia acumen.
As the time stamps will show you, I've wanted to do this for months. I love The Dozen and am dying to get involved. When I'm eventually #HireDdozo, I'd love to compete legitimately, but for now, it's me going Solo Dozo vs. two teams to see how quickly I can rack up some points. For this to work, it has to be live, and with my ub** schedule, getting up before 10 a.m. has not exactly been in the cards for the boi. I think I've woken up for good before 10, like maaaybe five times this summer. Also... I have a disgusting growth on my nose and 100 lbs of covid/depression weight that has kept me away from video content lolol.
Unfortunately, I have to go back to statistically one of the worst school districts in America in a couple of weeks, so I need to start training my body to function during a.m. hours. I figured this is the perfect opportunity to mix that with some content. I had high hopes of making a lot more non-written content this summer, but sorta got sucked into the allure of easy ub** $$. It's time to start producing more and not being afraid to truly go for it. Luckily, I still have two weeks before school starts.
But anyway (Blues Traveler, 1990), Idk how it's gonna turn out, but I'm giving it a try; # DozoVsTheDozen will air live on my IG, @Dozonlife at 10 a.m. (9 Central); be sure to tune in! If it goes well, I'm going to do it again on Friday for Minihane vs. The Fellas.
P.S.
I wrote THIS in March about a Twitter interaction with Dozen host Jeff D. Lowe that gave my blog about Super Bowl logos from 2018 nearly 1,000 views in March of 2021. In a year where I've produced dozens of fantastic, unappreciated blogs, this is one of my favorites. It's a perfect encapsulation of how my weird brain works. #HireDozo Song: In Bloom (1991) Artist: Nirvana Album: Nevermind SooOooooo random that we've come across a nearly 30-year-old Nirvana song for today's SOD. There definitely won't be a follow-up blog about how pathetic the Nevermind baby is for suing for showing his baby ween after using that "fame" to his advantage the last 29 years. I just love this song and more importantly the video. P.S.
To this day, I swear it sounds like Kurt says "turn to Rachel Bloom" #IYKYK. 
R.I.P. Jimmy Hayes.
The former Boston College star and NHL vet died today at the age of 31. I've written my fair share of obits on DOL, but I always get anxious while writing or considering writing one because of the weight they hold. They aren't something that I take lightly. I don't want to appear like I'm using someone's death for clout, but I was shocked when I saw the news this afternoon as I first checked Barstool. I debated saying something all day and ultimately decided to pay my respects in blog form.
Despite being a professional athlete, I knew Jimmy Hayes best from his affiliation with Barstool Sports. I couldn't tell you about a single Jimmy Haye's NHL on-ice accomplishment. I had no idea who he was until Pres and Feits started mentioning him. He was one of the first, if not the first, athletes to have a Barstool connection openly. Jimmy was doing Goalie Challenge videos with Pres like six years ago. That's how I knew of him.
I say that paint a picture and not sound disingenuous. I stopped paying legitimate attention to the Bruins and NHL around 2016. I hope they do well, but it doesn't impact me one way or another. I felt next to nothing when the Bruins lost Game 7 in 2019.
What I do feel is incredible sadness for someone so young and close to my age, similarly to when Mac Miller died not so far from this date three years ago. I was by no means a super fan of Mac Miller, but his passing fucked me up because of what it represented. I'm feeling a similar feeling today. I turn 30 in December, and seeing someone so close to my age who seemingly had it all be taken away so suddenly is simply heartbreaking, even more so when he's leaving his own young family behind. The elephant in the room when someone dies unexpectedly is the speculation of how it happened. Of course, people assume suicide or drugs, but it won't bring them back and does no good for anybody to speculate. What matters is a man is dead. A two-year-old and infant are without a father. His wife is a widow decades before she could've ever imagined. His parents have to bury their son. From what I've seen, Jimmy was quite the family man. His youngest son was only born in May, and his passing came just hours after celebrating his oldest son's second birthday. Jimmy shared a photo of his son Beau's 2nd birthday on his IG Sunday: 
Whether it be a Roy Halladay, Kobe Bryant, or Jimmy Hayes, we (this is me generalizing for the readers) tend to look at athletes as superhuman, that nothing can hurt them, when in reality, we are all just people who can be gone in the blink of an eye. His passing is sadly another example of how precious life is.
Even though we all do it, it is in bad taste to openly speculate about a cause of death (online), especially with this timing. Still, if there is any legitimacy to this accusation, it just makes this tragedy that much more devastating. This is the kind of stuff that can happen to anyone. 
I can't speak to Jimmy Hayes as a man or tell you about his character, but I've seen nothing but love and kind words about what a good guy he was. My heart breaks for his family. R.I.P. Jimmy Hayes.
I'm sick of not living an authentic life and will be making some changes to address that, especially here on my lasting legacy, dozonlife.com.
I genuinely don't want to be a douchebag or hurt people's feelings, but I'm done with being afraid online; where has it gotten me? I'm glad that I became more woke and evolved the last few years; I fucking needed to. Still, I've been censoring myself in fear of being canceled or bringing attention to stupid posts years ago when my generation was adolescent guinea pigs for social media. This blog isn't about cancel culture, but that shit needs to stop. Some people have told me not to be political on DOL as there's a risk of alienating readers, but I simply do not care. Oh no, I went from 80 pages-views to 74, FUCK, what am I gonna do? What I'm about to say shouldn't even be considered controversial or political. Basic human decency and wages should not be a left or right issue. Squeezing humans out to maximize already record profits is disgusting. I loathe corporate greed and fundamentally believe it is one of the most significant factors for things going to shit all across the globe. In the past on DOL, I've said that boycotting things is stupid, and like Chris Stapleton's best song, I Was Wrong. Boycotts and protests are why we have things like weekends and Civil Rights (for now). I've also told stories of the horrors ofGilded Age Robber Barons who would literally rather kill their employees than pay them a fair wage. COVID has been an incredibly fascinating test on how fucked up basically everything about living on earth is. People called grocery store clerks "essential workers" then scoff at the idea of paying them a living wage. It's a joke.
What's going on at Nabisco right now is incredibly fucked up. If you're unfamiliar (via CBS news):
Nabisco workers now walking picket lines in four U.S. states say their first strike in 52 years is about keeping what they already had as employees producing Oreo cookies, Ritz crackers and other snacks for the global food conglomerate. More than 1,000 Nabisco workers are staying off the job in Colorado, Illinois, Oregon and Virginia, according to their union, the Bakery, Confectionery, Tobacco Workers and Grain Millers International, or BCTGM. The labor dispute began with workers at the Nabisco bakery in Portland calling a strike nearly three weeks ago and has since spread, with workers in Chicago joining the labor action on Thursday. "We're fighting for a fair contract, no concessions," Yvette Hale, who has worked at Nabisco's Chicago bakery nearly 22 years, told CBS MoneyWatch. "Everyone is angry, as you never know if you're going to work eight hours, 12 hours or 16 hours." Nabisco workers have been working without a contract since the end of May, with negotiations breaking down after its parent company, Mondelez International, proposed changes that include turning eight-hour shifts into 12-hour ones without overtime. Workers would receive overtime on the sixth and seventh day, provided they worked their scheduled hours during the week. The company is also proposing that new hires shoulder additional costs of health insurance. A spokesperson for Chicago-based Mondelez said the proposed changes are intended to "promote the right behaviors" among workers and avoid paying employees a premium for weekend work if they call in sick during the regular work week. "This is not about taking away overtime," the spokesperson said. Most Nabisco workers would not be affected by the changes, which would largely involve those involved in manufacturing products that are heavily in demand, she added. Employees at Nabisco said working conditions deteriorated after the company was sold to Kraft Foods in 2000, which spun off its global snacks business as Mondelez International in 2012. "What this fight is all about is maintaining what we currently have. We're dealing with a company who in 2020 had a record year," Mike Burlingham, a Nabisco worker for 14 years in Portland and vice president of BCTGM Local 364 said in an interview with Status Coup News and distributed by the union. "This is a fight for the American middle class." "If it wasn't for us in the factories and in the distribution centers getting the products on the shelves, there would be no record profits for these guys," he added. While the strike is the first at Nabisco since one lasting 56 days in 1969, the company has faced more recent labor disputes. The city of Chicago in July announced that Mondelez would pay $475,000 in restitution to workers denied sick leave pay, as well as a $95,000 fine, according to local PBS affiliate WTTW. "Nabisco was a real big family, they treated us with respect. Mondelez just wants us to work, work, work--16-hour days through this whole pandemic," said April Flowers-Lewis, who has worked at the Nabisco plant in Chicago for 27 years. "People are scared to come to work on Saturdays because they make us work 16 hours. We're short-staffed, but they don't want to hire."
Nabisco's management team worked from home during the pandemic, while production line personnel were often on the job seven days a week, sometimes working 16-hour shifts, said Veronica Hopkins, the business agent for BCTGM Local 1, which represents roughly 345 workers at Nabisco's Chicago plant and another 25 workers at its facility in Addison, Illinois.
If this can cause Frank Reynolds to say things are wrong, you know they're wrong (shitty attempt at a joke).
I don't care if this blog gets two or 200 people to join in, I'm going to use my voice for what I believe is right. IMO, you really should not support a company that is making record profits and still trying to dehumanize the people responsible for their success. This shit disgusts me more White Cheddar Cheez-Itz.
This is the problem with unchecked Capitalism. I have no problem with people making money off of the backs of others as long as those backs are being taken care of. If you can't pay employees a decent, fair wage, you aren't a successful company. It isn't inspiring when someone is working 80-hours a week to make ends meet. It's a societal failure. I fundamentally don't understand how regular people can take the side of these assholes. Via: The Guardian Through the pandemic, Nabisco's parent company, Mondelez International, has recorded billions in profits; in the second quarter of 2021, the company reported more than $5.5bn in profits and spent $1.5bn on stock buybacks in the first half of 2021. The CEO of Mondelez International received $16.8m in total compensation in 2020, 544 times the company's median employee annual compensation of $31,000.
Many awful things are going on globally, and with some of them, I'm just straight up not qualified or intelligent enough to talk about them on my blog, but one thing I'll always support is the right of workers. I've taught enough history to know a thing or two about the history of labor and people being taken advantage of. I'm currently in a union and support these people striking to keep their OT and benefits. They've already lost their pensions. If you want to support a company that wants to pay people in Mexico less than a $1/hour that's your swag, but it'll never fucking be mine. A hashtag good person would never! If this video doesn't break your heart, you likely don't have one.
Products you should avoid until Nabisco and Mondelez get their shit together:
(via: UCOMM) Nabisco:
Signing Someone Up For Emails to Organizations they Don't FW (fuck with) Should Be a FEDERAL CRIME8/23/2021  Last week I was banned from the Playstation Network for three days because I told someone who was spamming my inbox after beating me with the Kansas City Chiefs (something that takes literally zero skill when you just bomb it with Pat Mahomes to Tyreek Hill) to kill themself. Should I have done it? No, of course not, but when someone sends eight messages in a row, talking shit, challenging your manhood, it can be enough to make you revert to the gaming ways of your youth. Like Pierre Bouvier said so passionately atop a roof in 2003, "I'm sorry, I can't be perfect." Plus, as someone who hasn't gone a day without considering the early check-out since learning what it was, I thought I'd have some protection in this situation. Apparently not in the eyes of Sony. Since I was logged out of the PSN and put in an online-gaming timeout for 72 hours, I had plenty of time to think about what I had done; how to remedy this situation to play more online Madden and feel good about myself for about 45 seconds after a win (NBD, I'm 60 games over .500). Do I create a new PSN account? Do I use this time productively? (NOPE) Should I just flex and buy a PS5? Ultimately, I played a fantasy draft franchise mode and went 19-0 on All-Madden with the Patriots, who were lead by a two-headed QB-monster in Russell Wilson and Taysom Hill (Russell threw 70 TD and Taysom threw 30; 39 of which were caught by Julio Jones). When it came time to log back into my account, I was in quite a predicament. Since my PSN password wasn't auto-saved like on a phone or laptop where all it needs to do is scan my face or fingerprint, I didn't know what it was. Resetting it was going to be an adventure in itself. I made the mistake of using my college email to create my PSN account. See, I graduated college in 2015 and bought my PS4 as a present to myself when Am*zon came out with a PS4+Madden 16 bundle. This is my long-winded way of saying my PSN password that I forgot was linked to an email account whose password I also forgot. After emailing and calling the URI tech help desk (something I was absolutely dreading), I was able to regain access to my college email account and was re-reminded of a "prank" a friend of a friend (someone who I do not consider "my guy!!") pulled on me in 2013. This guy signed me up for email lists of pretty much everything that early-2013 Dozo hated; The New York Jets, Baltimore Ravens (remember this was just months after they beat the Patriots at Gillette in an AFFCG that I attended with my dad as my Christmas present), Miami Heat, Justin Bieber, and One Direction. There were probably more, but that's all I can remember eight years later. Now, I'm not a fucking idiot (at least not in this situation). I know you can unsubscribe from an email list, but sometimes those mailing lists are like Fabulous' celibate attitude; they don't give a fuck about your unsubscribing wishes. Apparently, in the six years since I graduated, the Baltimore Ravens had reached out to yours truly thousands of times despite unsubscribing, or so I thought.  Now is this prank sort of funny? Well, despite what too woke censorship wants to tell you, comedy is in the eye of the beholder. What cannot be debated is the invasiveness of said prank. These groups that I couldn't stand had my data! For my last two years of college, I was bombarded by teams and musicians I thoroughly despised at the time. I'm not going to say it, but if somebody else wants to say my email was gang-r-worded, I'm not going to correct them. None of these groups had my consent! I've heard that Cybersecurity is one of the fastest-growing fields in this country, and I'm worried that it's far too easy for someone else to fall victim to this not-so victimless crime. All you need to do is add an email address, and bam, you're on an email list. I'm not suggesting it, but you, too, could hypothetically do this to someone else. People shit on emails like "WideAwakeKatyPerryStan@aol.com," "CumGuzzler69420911@hotmail.com," or IThinkBabiesComeOutofButtHoles@yahoo.com, but at least those aren't super easy to guess. If you know someone's full name and job (or just put @gmail.com), you can probably guess their email. I don't want to make regular folks have to jump through more hoops to prove they're them, and sure, we all know our devices are spying on our every move, and they could easily be able to realize if the right person is signing someone up or not, but this is the U.S. of A. baby! We love throwing people in jail to exploit their incarcerated labor. That's why I'm suggesting if you do what was done to me and sign someone up for an emailing list that they do not want, or to take it one step further, sign up ANYBODY for an emailing list (that's something they can handle themselves) it should be an automatic 5-years in federal prison. That is the only way to make people take Cybersecurity seriously. Ole Dozo getting Bieber emails won't be so funny when you're someone's baby, baby, baby oooh, like baby, baby, baby nooo, like baby, baby, baby oooh tossin' salads in federal prison. |
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