If There's One Piece of My Under-appreciated Content That You Should Absorb, It's This Tom Brady Tribute Video I Made Mere Hours After Saying "FOREVER A PATRIOT" To Announce He's Leaving
Okay, I totally lied in my #DozVsTheDozen blog (spoiler alert since literally only three people watched for a combined 40 seconds: I won!!) when I said I wouldn't make it to Ted Lasso. We all knew that was inevitable; I'm a second wind at the worst time kind of guy.
Luckily, ya boi stayed alive like Barry Gibb in my survivor pool, thanks to the Bengals (Jaguars should've kicked the FG in the 1st half...you're the Jags...get all the points you can) comeback win. Okay, bro, enough with the textbook DOL fluff, let's get to the crux quick of this midnight PSA that will technically go in the books as my final blog of September even though it'll post in October (s/o the Grandfather clause minus what its origin story is).
In my James White blog, I quickly mentioned that I'm going to Pats-Bucs Sunday night with my daddy (hold the sugar) and how obviously there will be some serious emotions and feelings going on with Brady and Gronk back in town. I really haven't dived too deep into it onDOL just because it legitimately bums me out that Belichick fucked this entire situation up. I don't want to pick that scab. It never should've come to this, and yes, I know I'm lucky for what we had, blah, blah, blah. Sorry for being a happy ending guy, sue me. I'm still mad they punted on 4th & 3 against the Titans in the Wild Card game. It's all so fucking gross, and I really don't wanna get into it this late. I guess I should just get to the point so I can watch Ted Lasso before I get my solid five hours.
I'm well aware that sometimes I'm out here grinding to an audience of no one. That's why when a tweet like this puts up some minor numbies, it ultimately just fucks with my head more than no love at all.
I mean, it's somewhat funny and true, but I tweet at least 30 things a week that fall into that category for a combined 11 likes.
So the reason I'm writing this blog is to hype myself up a little.
After Tom Brady ruined St. Patrick's Day (that was already ruined by the beginning of Covid), I took advantage of my time at home to make content full time. I've written thousands of blogs that have gone unnoticed and made my fair share of videos that have yet to crack even 500 views, but of all my unappreciated content, this video is one of my favorite things I've ever made. It's fucking criminal that this has well under 500,000 views (238 as of this blog's publishing). I was watching music videos on Youtube during TNF and came across this and was like, "holy shit," I forgot how good this is.
No bias, but I think it's fantastic. It's perfectly me and if you thought the Adele SNF promo got you in your feelings, this video is gonna turn them Bachman Turner Overdrive because ba-ba-baby, you ain't see nothing yet. You'll laugh, you'll think, and you'll cry, just like Jimmy V wants all of us to do every day. God damnit, I wish Tom Brady was still a Patriot.
It's so fucking perfectly on brand for me to write a blog saying to check my content out at 1 AM when nobody will see it and it'll sink to the bottom of the internet ocean like the rest of my treasure.
Everybody's Favorite Game Show About a Game Show, #DozVsTheDozen (VIII) Returns TONIGHT at 7:05 on My IG!
I'm running on empty like Jackson Browne (I don't even know if I'll make it to midnight for the latest Ted Lasso), but that isn't going to stop ya boi from taking on future co-workers in #DozVsTheDozen VIII.
Through seven installments, I've finally figured out how to get this shit posted to youtube. Episode VII is up right now for your viewing pleasure. I plan to upload all past episodes and have stats available like the actual show, but between balancing teaching civics to freshmen, maintaining DOL, and fighting the urge to take the early check-out, it's not easy to find the time!
Tonight is match #142 of the Dozen, and we've got Experts vs. a new team, Undesirables, which I must give to them, fits like a glove. I'm setting the line at Experts -6.5.
The ONLY place you can catch #DozVsTheDozen LIVE is my Instagram @DozOnLife. The Dozen starts at 7 PM, and my stream begins around 7:05, whenever their banter ends.
Last episode, I scored 12 points. Great job by me, but tonight I'm shooting for my record of 16 points. Will I get it? The only way to find out is to tune in!
Song: Na Na Hey Hey Kiss Him Goodbye (1969)
With it being the final day of September, it is officially time to say Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Hey Hey Hey Gooooodbye to this Clear Channel (now iHeartRadio) bit that I've run into the ground like United 93.
Sure, I've made jokes at the expense of 9/11 while paying homage to censored songs in the wake of a tragedy, but that's just because I've used humor to cope my entire life. Tragedy + time = comedy. 9/11 is hands down the worst thing that's happened during my lifetime. I watched a Youtube video of last phone calls the other night and cried my eyes out in lieu of getting to bed at a reasonable hour because I love to be in pain. It pisses me off that the Taliban is somehow back (and if you think it's Uncle Joe's fault you should look into who released 5,000 Taliban members from prison...), but if you become some "you can't say that" loser, you're letting the terrorists win. I hope people joke about my death the day I die (after feeling sad for at least an hour).
Hopefully, you've learned a little something about music and history from this September's SODs. Regular, no theme songs will return tomorrow (likely Monday because on Friday afternoons, I end up crashing to make up for getting less than 30 hours of sleep during the workweek).
Rest in peace to all the victims of the September 11th attacks. My thoughts are with their families.
Remember the Titans came out 21 years and one day ago. This scene gets me every time. R.I.P. Gerry Bertier!
Not Awesome News: James White is [likely] Done For the Year (and possibly forever as a Patriot???)
You can't enjoy the sunshine without a lil' rain, and as one happy blog ends, a bummer begins. Obviously, this isn't as life or death as literal cancer, but the Patriots will be without James White for not only the biggest regular-season game in Patriots history, but likely the rest of the season after he sustained a hip injury vs. New Orleans.
The Patriots offense is definitely a work in progress, but James White has been Mr. Reliable since breaking onto the scene in 2016 (I won't include 2015 because of how poorly he played in the AFCCG). Although, going into this season, no running back has has more receptions, receiving yards or touchdowns since 2015 than the should-be Super Bowl LI co-MVP. James is a team captain and, at 29 years old, still has it. This is a colossal loss for the Pats. Despite an unfair Madden rating (78), I'd say James White is one of the 5 to 8 most important players on this roster. Through two games, he had 12 receptions for 94 yards (and a rushing TD). None better than this 3rd & 11 conversion in the season opener.
With James White leaving the Saints game early, for some reason (I'd guess familiarity with the playbook), Brandon Bolden became the Pats 3rd down back instead of preseason stud JJ Taylor. I don't have anything against him as a man, but I never want to see Brandon Bolden playing anything other than special teams. Give JJ a chance!
Yesterday, the Patriots brought in a few backs for workouts to potentially fill the James White void (like these scrubs ever could?).
I hate to look too far ahead, but James White is only under contract for this season. With an injury as severe as this AND the big 3-0 approaching, could this be the last we see James White in a Patriots uniform? I certainly hope not, but if you told me he's in Tampa or retired next year, it wouldn't shock me.
As for this weekend, I haven't mentioned it on DOL yet, but I'm going to the game with my dad. While I'm a tad butthurt that tickets have gone down like 30% since I bought them, I cannot wait to be at the Razor for this once-in-a-lifetime game. I have A LOT of emotions going, and NBC sure isn't fuckin' doing anything to help.
Can someone please explain to me why Todd Gurley isn't on a roster? Is he actually finished? I know he shouldn't have scored that TD against the Lions, but even with Lieutenant Dan knees, he's gotta be better than most backups in the league.
I'd rather have Tom Brady for the next 5 years than Mac for the next 15, but this shit fires me up. He'll be fine, that pick-6 wasn't his fault. Just need a competent RT.
I know I'm never critical of myself on DOL, but I gotta admit, sometimes I have a problem following up with blog stories that warrant one (maybe that's why I'm still not #HireDdozo). Like, did you know the Nabisco strike ended on the 18th? Probably not because I forgot to blog it. Still, I am First Date video-level happy to share some fantastic news regarding something I wrote in June (that you clearly know, as you likely read the title before clicking on this blog).
Mark Hoppus (of Blink 182) is cancer-free!
Hoppus announced his diagnosis in late June, but he had already been undergoing treatment for three months by that point. While we all know the original Big C is a fucking cuuunt that loves to show up at literally the worst possible times, this is phenomenal!!! When Mark posted a photo of his hair sprouting back up last week, I had high hopes for good news, but you can never assume in a situation like this, even when the caption was written with the same humor as countless Blink-182 lyrics:
Selfishly, I don't want Mark Hoppus to die because I love his music and dream of a day where he, Travis Barker, AND Tom Delonge can reunite to form the optimal Blink line-up.
In all seriousness, Mark Hoppus is married and has a son who recently started college; plus, I mean, I fucking love him, so I am sooo happy to be writing about this instead of James White's hip (which is coming next!).
I have to say, cancer, not a fan; as a matter of fact, I've never been a fan. It just took the hilarious Norm Macdonald two weeks ago and thousands more in the time since.
Congrats to Mark; I hope he got to ring a bell or release some doves. I can't wait for him to be back at full strength, full of leg hair, ready to rock! For the record, I root for all people, not just famous bassists in their bouts with the big C. Hashtag good guy.
I'm sure all of you are wondering, "why such a late start tonight, friend?" and I'll tell you! After work, I visited my grandma, which I can parlay into a seamless transition to brag about her 2-0 record against the OG Big C. After my best friend's dad, she's the first person whose cancer really hit home for me. I was in like 3rd grade at the time, so obviously, I was fucking stupid. I was worried it was contagious and didn't want to see her in fear of it spreading to me. Now I know it's not my grandma who will give me cancer, but instead all the fast food I've shoved down my gullet for nearly 30 years. You ever been chilling with a few friends and think about how at least 1/3 of you will get it someday?
Anyways, probably like your grandma, mine has dentures. Not only was I scared that I'd catch cancer from her, but I didn't want to see her bald head either. Whenever we'd visit, she had to be covered up, which in retrospect was not very cool of me. Well, she sure as shit ripped the band-aid off once she was doing a little better. I'll never forget for the rest of my life when she chased me around her house with her teeth out and wig off. The image is forever branded on my brain.
As is tradition:
Speaking of not following up and cancer, congratulations to Rhode Island's own Liz Biesel!!! Last weekend, she finally completed her block cancer fundraiser swim from Pt. Judy to Block Island after multiple scheduling issues due to weather.
Song: Only the Good Die Young (1978; live in Boston, 1993)
Artist: Billy Joel
Album: The Stranger
We've got ourselves a textbook example of the Billboard charts being semi-irrelevant as "Only the Good Die Young" peaked at just #24. I highly doubt the 23 songs above it on July 8th, 1978 hold up like this classic song about trying to fuck a girl who's waiting for marriage (that has since been overused in millions of Facebook statuses to memorialize young people who paid the ultimate price). Speaking of holding up, sadly, the same could not be said for those poor Twin Towers. When they were destroyed in a heinous terrorist attack 20 years and 18 days ago, Clear Channel (now, iHeartMedia) decided it would probably be for the best to let this one stay off the airwaves for a lil'.
#DozVsTheDozen took months to get out of development hell (time conflicts, me being too much of a pussy, etc.), but after some tinkering, it's finally starting to pick up steam. I think there were as many as nine different people who stopped by during my IG live!
In my last blog, I said I would post the footage of my matches on my IG as I did with Match VI...
Apparently, you can only upload IG lives (or any video) to IGTV after the fact if it's under 15 minutes. Once you end a live video, it gives you an option to upload to IGTV, which I did with Match VI, but since I switched from portrait to landscape for Match VII (great directing by the boi), I wanted to fix the orientation for the upload. Thanks to finding out that there's a "live archive" feature on IG, I now have access to every episode of #DozVsTheDozen, which means they will eventually all go up on Youtube.
Hand up, I have a killer headache and am fucking exhausted from a long day of getting shit on by 9th graders. I HAVE TO fall asleep before it becomes AM tonight. I'm going to rewatch all the previous episodes and hopefully have them all up on Youtube within the next week; for now, here's #DozVsTheDozen Match VII. I apologize for the choppiness; my internet connection was not holding up its end of the bargain. Also, since it's from an IG live, you can't see the chat this way, so with the House answer, I was reading what someone commented on it. It was right, but I did not give myself credit because I'm a man of honor and a hashtag good guy! Enjoy :)
The critically acclaimed, MASSIVE hit that nobody's talking about, #DozVsTheDozen returns tonight on Instagram/Dozonlife for what I believe in episode VII of this viral sensation.
Jonah Hill could best summarize my philosophy on my current content situation at the Roast of James Franco in 2013.
Does it hurt my anxiety-riddled brain and feelings that during these half-hour broadcast of yours truly absolutely dominating my future co-workers in trivia from the comfort of my bedroom at max eight people tune in? I'll leave that one up to the imagination, but I have a blast doing it and take solace in knowing Brandon FUCKIN' Walker used to do FB lives with like 30 viewers; now he's the star of dozens of canceled Barstool shows. I know my time will come!
I don't want to talk too much shit and set myself up for failure, but tonight's a night where ya boi has the potential to break the previous #DozVstheDozen high score of 16 points from the Team Minihane vs Team Ziti match two weeks ago.
While Match 141 is a battle of winless teams, #15 Gen XYZ made the Final 4 of the 1st Dozen tournament this summer. If it Large had said Russia instead Soviet Union I'm pretty sure they'd have a win, but as of now they're 0-3. Last season was last season.
Their opponent tonight is the ever-controversial Team Nightmare, whomst enters the match at 0-2. Both clubs are currently spotting sub 50% correct answers. I'm guaranteeing at least 10 points tonight for the boi
Again, as someone playing against two teams with no partners, the rules are a bit different. For the sake of time, I don't get a phone a friend and cannot compete in the Bonus Round, which gives me an automatic two-point disadvantage. To make up for that, I get to answer every question, but I have to say the correct answer before the other team to count as a point for Ole Dozo. I still get to double-dip and double but must respect The Dozen's rules regarding lifelines.
I can't wait to see everybody in the stream, and please don't give any answers in the comments! If you missed last week's episode, I posted it to my IG
I'm just going to do that instead of Youtube for the time being since I have anywhere from 215-220 IG followers depending on the day and only 6 YT subscribers.
WATCH #DozVsTheDozen VII HERE at like 7:05 so you don't have to sit through all the banter.
Song: Bodies (2001)
Artist: Drowning Pool
With only three more days left to pay homage to Clear Channel's memo in honor of the 20th anniversary of 9/11, I know my millions upon millions of readers and fans would asking if something's wrong with me if I didn't include this 2001 Nu Metal classic; I gotta give the people what they want! It wouldn't shock me if this were one of the first 10 songs to make the list given how popular it was at the time. I'm not much of a metal guy, but I fucking love this song. Maybe not as much as the people running Gitmo, but it was definitely a go-to high school football pump-up song.
Big Ups to My Girl, Alana Haim For Her Starring Role in the Star-Studded Cast of Licorice Pizza
Last month I went to a Kings of Leon concert solo dozo, semi-spur of the moment when I was #over ub**in, but it was not the first time I pulled a Stephen Glansberg at a show. In 2018, I saw HAIM in Boston (please note that I've grown in spades as a person and writer since that blog) with just me, myself and I.
That doesn't matter much other than me attempting to destigmatize enjoying life when you cannot get people to do things with you and to paint a picture of my HAIM fandom. I've been a HAIM fan since early 2014 when I heard "The Wire" or "Forever" (I can't remember which one) on Pandora. Seeing them blow up from their debut album to an Album of the Year nomination has been incredible as a low-key music snob. I feel like a scout who turned some 6th rounder into a perennial All-Pro with my support. I'm all for getting yours and love that the Haim sisters are getting the credit they deserve.
Admittedly, I had no clue Alana Haim (aka Baby Haim) was dipping her exposed nips into the acting waters. (Does playing yourself on one of the best episodes of Documentary Now! count?)
Regardless, when I saw an ad for the trailer to Licorice Pizza on her IG today, I was stunned!
Este is my favorite Haim sister, but Alana is my birthday twin, which I think is pretty neat. We've both been on this planet for the same amount of time (within 24 hours)!
Outside of the whole 70s, coming of age, love story angle, I don't know what the fuck this movie is about or the significance of the title, but I will totes check it out. With Bradley Cooper playing some nut job hairdresser and the great Maya Rudolph in the cast as well, that's already enough for the boi, but when you throw in the backup guitarist of one of my favorite bands, then I'm sold. BUT TOM WAITS, THERE'S MORE!
Sean Penn, Ben Stiller AND the Waitress? LFG! Alana's (real creative character name!) love interest in Licorice Pizza is Cooper Hoffman, the son of the late Phillip Seymour Hoffman.
I've been to six concerts so far in 2021 to make up for a lost year and still need to see my first movie in the post-Covid world (I went to the Anthony Bourdain doc, but that doesn't count, I'm talking movies with a narrative and actors). I've seen people (one article) ranting and raving about Paul Thomas Anderson directing this film, but I'm not going to pretend I knew a thing about him prior to some wikipedia research. Apparently he's Maya Rudolph's husband, and directed a couple HAIM videos, which would make some sense for Alana's casting as a relative unknown in respects to acting.
Licorice Pizza hits theaters on November 26th (Happy Birthday, auntie!)