Death is part of life. Some fear it. Others decide they're ready for it and take things into their own hands. Regardless of your takes about what happens once we croak, it is, unfortunately, something we will all do at least once in our lifetimes. FTR: I hope we get reincarnated as other people as soon as we die and keep experiencing different lives until the end of time. "Heaven" would be cool too, but if I got to pick anything, I think that's my choice.
Personally, I am terrified at the prospect of no longer existing in human form. All I want to do during my life is make a positive difference and try to leave this place better than when I found it. Yes, it gets super frustrating when you feel people don't fw you, like you're wasting your life away, not achieving your goals, and spending far too much time alone, but I'm getting off track on what's supposed to be a fun and happy blog!!
I can't speak for all my readers, but I would like to live as long as possible. That's why I've started giving a fuck about my well-being again. I'm down a little over 50 pounds from my fattest, but when you've gained and lost as much weight as I have over the years, it's still not nearly enough, but it's a start, and I am proud of my progress. I hope this is the one that sticks, and since I'm doing it gimmick-free this time, I'm confident it will be.
Despite the terrifying things that make the human experience, not super chill, overall, I love this thing we call life. It's why this website exists. Doz on LIFE, hello? I think one of the primary reasons I get so down is because I feel like I'm squandering my life away (and there's a legitimate fascist threat in this country that way too many people don't seem to care about). Wow, I didn't know how this intro was gonna go, and while I'm low-key digging this truthful vent session, the real reason I'm writing this blog is to pay homage to some old fucks that somehow haven't died yet. Sure, some look dead af, but these people are still very much legally alive.
Had I written this blog a few weeks ago, Bud Grant would undoubtedly have a spot on the squad, but the Hall of Fame NFL coach passed away 11 days ago at the ripe ol' age of 95. It's good that I didn't cause I'd feel a little guilty, but since we're all gonna die someday and it's something I spend a solid 3ish hours a day thinking about, let's show some appreciation to 15 men (women's list may come at a later date) whose hearts are somehow beating. Since it's March Madness, and the NBA will come out with their All-NBA teams in a few weeks, we're following that format (although this list is positionless). This is like the All-American team for old men. The list will consist of three groups (1st team, 2nd team and 3rd team) of five miraculously still-alive men. If you disagree with any of the selections, feel free to comment or start your own blog! With my luck, one of these dudes will die while I finish creating this masterpiece. Also, since Jimmy Carter is in hospice care, he doesn't get a spot on the list, but s/o Jimmy for holding on this long.
Third Team All-"How Are They Still Alive?"
Born: December 21st, 1965 (57 years old)
At only 57, Andy Dick is by far the youngest person on this list, but between pretty much everything he's stuck in his mouth, veins, and ass AND all the people he's pissed off over the years, it's remarkable he's not dead in a ditch somewhere. Andy is not exactly a hashtag good guy either, so nbd leading off with him.
Born: January 23rd, 1936 (87 years old)
As a football historian and former offensive lineman, I love Jerry Kramer. I'm so happy he lived long enough to attend his long overdue Hall of Fame induction in 2018. That being said, this man played for the Lombardi Packers and was the pulling guard for the famous power sweep. He played in the NFL from 1958-1968. Helmets were basically still leather. Kramer entered a league with quotas for black players per team and retired in 1968 when Marlin Briscoe was the first black starting QB in the AFL. Jerry Kramer played in the Ice Bowl and still can't feel his toes over 50 years later. He was born the same year Congress approved the 40-hour work week and may live to see the four-day week become the new standard. Fingers crossed!
Born: December 23rd, 1964 (58 years old)
I don't want to see Eddie go anywhere anytime soon, but his inclusion is more about him being the last man standing of all the great 90s rock frontmen. Kurt Cobain, Layne Staley, Scott Weiland, and Chris Cornell range from pretty dead to wicked dead. Meanwhile, Eddie is in great shape and shows no signs of slowing down. He's the Marcus Luttrell of grunge and stiilll alllliiiiivvvvveeeeee. If I end up mushing Eddie Vedder, I might have to retire from blogging/life. As you'll see in the next third-team member, I bounced around creating this list. Eddie is actually the last person to make it, and since I love 90s rock and listen to it daily, I want to give him some credit for not dying yet like his fellow late nineteen-hundreds counterparts.
Born: June 28th, 1926 (96 years old)
Hand up; I fucked up here. I've been bouncing around. I finished the first and second teams before wrapping up the last couple 3rd team designations. At 96 years old, Mel Brooks could easily be a first-teamer, but since he's a comedic genius, perhaps that's why he's outlasted Hitler by almost 78 years. In textbook Dozo fashion, I have yet to see History of the World, Part I but did watch Part 2 on Hulu whenever it came out in the last threeish weeks; it was solid. Not the best thing I've ever seen, but I laughed and appreciated what they were trying to do.
Every Rock Star Who Was Famous Before 1973
Whether it's Mick, Keith, Ozzie, Ringo, Paul McCartney, Steven Tyler, Willie Nelson, Bob Dylan, Elton John, Rod Stewart, Simon & Garfunkel or someone I forgot, between the miles on the road, drugs, alcohol, unprotected sex, fights, and disease, etc. it's impossible to separate these people. All are legends in their own right. They all deserve a hat tip for having hearts that still beat like bass drums and faces that look like ball sacks.
Second Team All-"How Are They Still Alive?"
Born: August 9th, 1928 (age 94)
My 60-year-old mother was -6 when The Houdini of the Hardwood won the 1957 NBA MVP. Cousy retired from the NBA before the Civil Rights Act of 1964 (although he did make a brief comeback for seven games in the 1969-70 season). JFK was still alive to congratulate him on an outstanding career. While Cooze's conditioning as a pro athlete can explain his longevity, I'm sure it wasn't easy to deal with World War II in your teenage years. What do Bob Cousy and bubblegum have in common? Both were introduced to the world in 1928.
Born: May 6th, 1931 (91 years old)
This Instagram post made people worried that the Say Hey Kid was "oh he's dead," but at 91, while nearly totally blind and unable to drive since 2005, the man who once patrolled centerfield at the Polo Grounds is still alive. HBO recently released a documentary commemorating his life, which based on what happened to Nick Buoniconti, means Willie's on barrowed time. Willie Mays was 24 years old and already a World Series champion when Rosa Parks refused to give up her seat on December 1st, 1955. Willie Mays couldn't have possibly eaten a cheeseburger until he was at least four because they hadn't been invented yet.
Born: June 9th, 1939 (83 years old)
83 isn't super old by today's standards, but Dicky V is a hard 83. Think about all the traveling from campus to campus to cover college basketball for over 40 years. I'm sure being around all those college kids can help you feel young, but Dicky V could seemingly read, walk, and wipe himself before World War II ended. Dicky's been saying "that's awesome, baby!" since well before the word "awesome" was created. He was nearly 50 when college basketball introduced the three point line across all D-1 schools in 1987.
Born: September 5th, 1929 (93 years old)
Dude played Papa Elf TWENTY years ago. Bob Newhart was born less than two months before Black Tuesday. He was 30 before the 1960s started. He was 40 years old when a man walked on the moon. The guy won a Best New Artist Grammy as a comedian (which hasn't happened since). This man is a skeleton with two and a half layers of skin. While it's beautiful that he's still married to his wife of 60 years, he's clearly ready to go at a moment's notice. That picture is three years old.
Born: May 31st, 1930 (92 years old)
Clint and the Bobs of the Cousy and Newhart variety are worthy of First-Team bids. It's not that they didn't do enough; it's just that the competition did more. I know he's a legend, but I've never really consumed his content. He's not really my swag---seems way too grouchy! Clint was 5 when Nylon was invented. He was older at Pearl Harbor than I was at 9/11.
First Team All-"How Are They Still Alive?"
Born: January 5th, 1925 (97 years old)
The first time I ever saw Lou Carnesecca was in the Requiem for the Big East documentary about 10 years ago. He looked like a corpse, then. Lou was 16 years old when Pearl Harbor was bombed. He was alive for over 20 World Series where black people weren't allowed in the Major Leagues. By all accounts, he seems to be a good man, but I bet even he is like "when the fuck is this shit gonna end?" The poor man hasn't had lips since Reagan was in the White House.
Born: August 3rd, 1926 (96 years old)
Not to be confused with the UVA basketball coach (for now), this Tony Bennett's been singing well before FM radio existed (1933). Obviously, he was drafted to fight in World War II. Tony B was 37 was the cassette tape was invented and they've been irrelevant for a solid 25 years. The Lady Gaga collaborator was nearly 50 when she hatched. When he released his first album in September 1952, the Chevy Corvette prototype was still three months away from its debut. He may have left his heart in San Fransisco, but amazingly his body remains on earth as 6:11 pm on March 22nd, 2023.
Dick Van Dyke
Born: Decemeber 13th, 1925 (97 years old)
I swear on my life he was on my potential list before this news broke.
DVD was nearly 70s when DVDs were invented. Clearly, he shouldn't be behind the wheel, nor should anybody his age. That isn't ageism; that's public safety. Everybody over 75 should have to retake their driver's test every three years. That isn't a joke; it's just a good idea. I did love Mary Poppins when I was a kid, though. Get well soon, DVD.
DVD played a doctor who was too old to be a doctor in an episode of Scrubs that aired in 2003.
Born: August 3rd, 1925 (97 years old)
As of 7:12 pm, Marv Levy is still right here, right now, alive on planet earth. There must be something about losing four Super Bowls that helps you live forever. Bud Grant was 95 when he died earlier this month, and Marv Levy's 97 years young. Tough news for Dan Reeves, he was only 77 when he passed away. Maybe you have to lose all four with the same team to see 90? As for Marv Levy, the former Buffalo Bills coach was 20 years old when Cheerioats became Cheerios. Like many men on this list, he served in WWII (thank you). It's sad to see him still alive for the fascism reboot!
Levy coached in the CFL before starting his NFL head coaching career with the Chiefs in 1978, winning two Grey Cups. Also, the forward pass wasn't legal in Canadian Football until Marv was four years old! When I was four, Pizza Hut had recently released the Stuffed Crust Pizza.
Born: December 12th, 1923 (99 years old)
Bob Barker retired from the Price is Right in 2007, and over 15 years later, he's still making sure you help control the pet population by spaying and neutering your pets. While his resume is nowhere near diverse as Betty White's, I'd argue his belovedness is on the same level. Hopefully, for Bobby's sake, People Magazine doesn't jinx him seeing 100 too.
Like many people my age, I grew up watching Bob Barker host the Price is Right and watched him kick Adam Sandler's ass in Happy Gilmore. Bob was 72 then. If he had died during filming in 1995, while it'd be sad, nobody would've called him young in his obits.
That concludes the 2023 All "How Are They Still Alive?" Team. I hope you enjoyed and don't die for at least 70 years. Sound off in the comments with who you think should've made the list! Sorry I left you off Michael Caine.