Apparently Today Is #NationalFastFoodDay I'm Here To Get the Debate Started on Best and Worst Fast Food Joints
Keeping up with all the hashtag national __________ days is exhausting so frankly I don't even try. Most of the stupid fake nation days piss me off tbh. Like why do we need every single day to be national something day? I swear people make them up multiple times a year and since they're fake holidays that don't even matter nobody says shit or notices. Cause I'm pretty sure I've seen #nationalsiblingday like at least 5 times in the last 2 years.
Well apparently today National Fast Food Day or as I like to refer to it, Michelle Obama's least favorite day of the year. To me fast-food is weird because what is truly considered fast food? Because there is definitely a difference between "fast-food" and "fast-casual". Like I don't want to lump Mickey D's and Pizza Hut together because to me that's two completely different food genres. To me it's all the shitty unhealthy stuff we see on the sides of highways where a drive-thru is usually involved. I'm talking your standard McDonalds, Burger Kings, Wendy's of the world. It can be non-burger places too but that's how I think of fast-food. After seeing this info graph about the most well known fast-food places from each state I think the term is pretty loose now. Basically just any restaurant you wouldn't take a chick on a first date is fast food. To me fast-food is a place where there's no servers and you don't have to tip.
As a blogger and fat guy I thought with it being #NationalFastFoodDay that this is perfect time to give my two cents on the fast food market. Get the debate going on best and worst fast food places.
I just want to put as a disclaimer to all my loyal DOL readers that the farthest west I've ever traveled is Milwaukee, Wisconsin. What can I say I'm a real Renaissance man? I've never had In and Out. While I trust my friends who have had it's judgment, I've never had the chance to enjoy it so I'm not gonna include it on my list.
Let's start off on a positive note and begin with (IMO)
The Top 5 Worst Fast Food Restaurants.
Honorable Mention: McDonalds
I was torn on including McDonalds because I'm kind of indifferent with them but if I had to make a decision gun to my head I'm putting McDonalds on the lower end of the fast food spectrum.
Sure they are hands down the most successful of all the fast-food chains but I always make the argument with music that just because an artist is successful doesn't necessarily mean they're good. Just a lot of people with shitty taste can support shitty things. I'm looking right at you people who think 21 Pilots are a good band.
The thing with McDonald's is that I almost never want it sober. I'm going to be talking about fast-food a lot in this blog (obviously) but I really don't eat it a ton. Makes you feel like absolute shit and McDonalds is one the top of the list for doing that. Getting McDonalds sober is sort of just like punting on your day altogether. You've given up, maybe you'll do better tomorrow, but probz not.
However after a few drinks or some weed McDonalds starts calling your name. You go from never wanting McDonalds to somehow ordering 4 McChickens. Weird how that works.
So because of the clutchness of drunk McDonalds I cannot justify officially ranking them on the worst fast food lists, also McDonalds breakfast is bomb dot com.
Now let's get officially start!
5. Moe's Southwest Grill
I am a Chipotle guy to the death of me. However in relation to where I live there is a Moe's much more closer so I've been forced to settle for mediocrity a few times and go there.
Every single time I've eaten there I soon came to regret it. The quality of ingredients is just not there. Sure, Chipotle may give you food poisoning, but at least it tastes good.
It's always messy AF inside. They have horrible rice and beans. Like worse than shit you can buy for 59 cents at Stop & Shop. Plus the fact that you can't just say "I'd like a chicken/steak/whatever burrito" and instead it's called a "Joey Bag of Donuts" is the most try hard move of all time. Also as a guy who could very easily be described as "social awkward' I don't need the whole over forced "WELCOME TO MOE'S" like I don't even want to be here can we just finish this future mistake already?
The one thing they have going for them is that chips are included with whatever you buy and that they have cookies but other than that I do not like Moe's at all. If you are a Mexican food person and prefer Moe's over the competition you must be taking crazy pills.
4. Taco Bell
Now this pains me to say because I've been known to enjoy Taco Bell a time or two but I'm going to show my range and unbiased opinion: Taco Bell is garbage.
I'm pretty sure they got in trouble a few years ago for using "questionable" meats. I'm talking like horse and shit like that. I may be wrong but I don't think I am and I'm not going to fact check because even if there is no news on it I guarantee you they do some shady shit like that. It's fucking Taco Bell.
Taco Bell always sounds like a great idea at the time. Yeah man let's get some Taco Bell! Then you finish it and feel like you just committed a hate crime against yourself. Then 4 minutes later when you're doing your best Jackson Pollock impression on a toilet bowl you really know you made a bad decision.
Love me a Cheesy-Gordita Crunch though
3. Five Guys Burgers and Fries
Now look, I think Five Guys is alright, I'd have it other a lot of other places, but people act like it is the second coming. It's not, and the fact that it is so vastly overrated lands it a spot on my Top 5 WORST fast-food joints.
First off after eating Five Guys I feel like I could have a heart attack at any minute. Granted I kinda always feel like that, but eating Five Guys sure doesn't help the situation. You could go in with perfect cholesterol and leave in an ambulance. I remember when I first had it in Florida when I was like 16 I thought it was one of the best burgers I've ever had. Then I grew up. It's the greasiest burger you'll ever get and not in a good way. Not a horrible burger but for the price you pay (a little over priced for the quality IMO) I'd rather just go to a real sit down place and get a much higher quality burger for like $3 more.
Oh and enough with the peanuts, we aren't at a fucking baseball game.
2. White Castle
I've had White Castle once and I'll never have it again. One of the lowest quality things I've ever eaten in my entire life. The first time I had ever heard about White Castle was like how most people did, from the movie Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle. Decent movie, pretty funny from what I can remember.
HOWEVERRRRR the plot of the film has a major hole and that is where two people risk literally everything for what is quite possibly the worst burgers money can buy. I don't care how high you are dude there's way better options out there. How about ordering pizza like every other stoner has for the last 50 years? I'm all set with eating burgers that look like they are auditioning to be floppy discs (remember those?!?) There's a reason they sell them for like 10 for $2, it's because they're garbage.
Nothing screams "I have poor people taste" quite like a Subway sandwich. I have zero respect for people who eat Subway. It has nothing to do with the Jared shit, no I'm judging you because you waste money on quite possibly the worst sandwich of all time. There are gas stations with better sandwiches than Subway.
Subway is poor people taste straight up. There are sooooo many better options around no matter where you are in this country. No funny spin on it-Subway is just trash end of story.
I haven't eaten Subway in years and Godwilling will never eat it again. Have you noticed how there are a ton of Subways inside gas stations? That's no accident it's because a Subway sandwich is like a half step above a truckstop grinder. Their bread is all they have going from them but the bread should not be the highlight of the sandwich. The inside should be and that is where Subway falls way short. They give you basically no meat and the meat that they do give you is gross. Slimey turkey that was cut with a laser in a factory two weeks ago....Eat Fresh!
Again, much like Moe's their one saving grace is their cookies. Subway has pretty good cookies. However being good at that isn't that big of a deal or that hard. Cookies are a lot like sex or pizza. Even when it sucks it's still pretty good.
Okay now that all the negativity is out of my system let's talk about the best.
Top 5 Best Fast Food Restaurants
5. Auntie Anne's
I wouldn't consider Auntie Anne's traditional fast-food but they were on that info graph so I figured, what the hell they deserve a spot here after all they've done.
Flying is the worst. I hate airports and waiting for my flight. One thing that always makes the airport experience a tiny bit better is a cinnamon sugar pretzel from Auntie Anne's. Although, recently I've made the switch to the pretzel sticks/nuggets. It's a real veteran move, a lot less messy and much easier to eat on the go. Plus I feel like you get more food that way. May be totally wrong but it seems that way.
I'm pretty sure Auntie Anne's only exist at airports and malls. That's okay though because if they were more readily available I'd probably eat them multiple times a week which not be good for ole dozo and his waistline.
Nice treat for the 1-2 times I fly a year/every single time I go to the mall.
Wendy's is not the best burger but it overall consistent AF. You always know what you're gonna get at Wendy's which is exactly what you want from fast-food. They have a wayyyyyy better selection than McDonald's or Burger King which puts them ahead for me. Love all the spicy chicken options they have. I like a little kick. I'm not a big soda guy but the fact that they have the crazy soda machine is also an added bonus for the Wendy's over BK and McDonalds argument.
Frostys alone earn Wendy's a spot in the top 5.
And yes, I do dip fries in my Frosty.
I know my friends at Chipotle have had a lot of bad press the last year or so but I am about as loyal to Chipotle as I would be the future Mrs. Dozo which is extremely. I'll walk through the gates of hell defending the good name of Chipotle. If God Forbid I was to get food poisoning or something even worse from Chipotle (like death) I'd be okay with it because at least I'd die doing what I love and I love eating chipotle burritos (and also bowls, actually have become more of a bowl guy since I lost 100 lbs)
Power move of your life is to get a bowl with a burrito shell, mix it all yourself and then make your own burrito. I've never done that but that doesn't take away from the fact that it is a power move.
Chipotle serves beer too which not many fast-food/fast-casual places can claim. Sure they charge extra for gauc but idc about that because I'm not a gauc guy.
For the price you pay you get a ton of food and it tastes good. Plus they always have good alt-rock playing and for ole dozo that is a nice added bonus. Big music guy. I like to listen to good shit when I'm eating Chipotle alone like Steven Glansburg.
Only reason I don't have Chipotle higher is because I don't consider it a true fast-food place in the traditional sense of the term.
2. D' Angelo
In the chain sandwich game D'Angelo is my personal favorite. I just recently got really into it. I mean I've been eating it my whole life but I've been on a big D' Angelo kick in recent months. Love that Thanksgiving sandwich.
I've had better sandwiches at some small random local shops but for a chain I'm going D'Angelo over Subway 100 out of a 100 times. Jimmy Johns is okay too but I've had it literally twice and couldn't even tell you what I had.
What separates D'Angelo from the competition is the variety of top notch sandwiches they have. There's like 18 different things I'd get from there which cannot be said about a lot of other fast-food(ish) places.
D'Angelo steak and cheese & Thanksgiving sandwiches are two of the best relatively cheap lunches around.
Not a lobster roll guy but I know they sell a ton of those, and for good reason. Can't go wrong with D'Angelo.
Is Hardee's the best fast food? No but it is the worst fast-food for you and they have no shame in admitting it and for that very reason they gain the #1 spot on my list. It's kind of like personality season but for food. Sure there may be more attractive options out there but sometimes looks aren't everything and you need a little more substance or in this case, gluttony.
If you've never had Hardees then good for you, and congrats because you're probably going to outlive me by at least 20 years.
If you have then you probably know what it's like to gain 5 pounds after one meal.
Hardees is my favorite fast-food place because they don't try to lie to you. They know who they are which is something we need more of in this country. People accepting the fact that maybe they aren't perfect. We can't all be superheroes. Places like McDonalds will add new "healthier" options to try to look like they're progressing when in reality it's still fucking McDonalds and is awful for you.
Hardee's on the other hand doubles down on being horrible for you. They embrace that they are in the business of keeping rascal scooters and insulin pumps in business and for that I love them. They used to have a burger called the "Monster Thickburger" just think about that for a second, that is something they used to sell. I had like1700 calories too which is what fast-food is truly all about. Being a piece of shit.
So there it is the dozonlife #NationalFastFoodDay blog. What did you think? What are some of your favorite and least favorite fast-food establishments? Be sure to comment and talk shit!
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