After being utterly devastated by the C's giving away Games 1 & 2 and falling into a 3-0 hole, I (for the time being) have completely changed my tune and believe in the Boston Celtics. They are the better team and have all the firepower to pull off this comeback. They're already 25% of the way there. It's a cliche, but take it one game at a time. Win tonight and worry about the rest later.
Gabe Vincent is out for Miami. Did I know who this dude was before this series? No, but he's been playing like 2016 Steph, so I'm glad he's not gonna play in Game 5. I've got some good news and bad news regarding the lead-up to this game. Let's start with the bad. The ref situation does not play in the Celtics' favor, but how this tweet was written irks me.
"If we lose, y'all know why." Don't say "y'all" unless you're attracted to your sister and hate freedom...also, I love to blame a ref as much as the next guy, but we could easily lose because Joe Mazzulla is over his head and our stars low key don't always shine.
Luckily, for the C's....Miami will be a little off from their delay getting to Boston...hopefully, this fucks up their routines, warm-ups, etc.
I guess they came in last night, sooo it probably doesn't impact much today...but it surely can't hurt the C's?
Malcolm Brogdon is banged up, which could explain his awful output in the last two games—still, no word if he's unavailable tonight. I don't hate this idea if he is. Like JT said after Game 4, "It's a make-or-miss league," and Hauser is wet. I get it, rotations shorten in the playoffs, but the C's depth is one of their strengths, and if they're gonna pull this shit off, they're gonna need help from more than 8 guys.
It's currently only 3:06 pm as I type this, and I am low-key still up in the air about going to Boston for the game. It may not be the most financially responsible idea rn, but ticket prices have dropped (for obvious reasons), and the prospect of being in the Garden for two season-ending losses is hard to pass up...
In all seriousness, I think the C's will win tonight but I'm just trying to set myself to handle the disappointment of their season ending. Boston is 1-5 at home vs. Miami over the last two ECFs, and I was in the building for their lone win...so part of me feels compelled to go and help. I was also in the building for the C's Game 2 win over Cleveland in 2018. Dozo's 2-0 at the Garden for ECF games and would love to extend it to 3-0 tonight. In Game 4, we saw Boston hold Miami under 100 after allowing 121 ppg through three games; to me, that's the name of the game. The C's can score with the best of them, but having to drop 130 to win isn't a formula that bodes well for any team. Just fucking rebound and stop turning the ball over, PLEASE. I'm looking at the Jays to step up. You dropped the first two at home and have a chance to bring the series back to Miami after it looked like you were probably getting swept like 26 minutes into Game 4. They both need to be efficient and, more importantly, confident. Too often, it feels like the Jays lose their way and forget how fucking good they are.
I don't care what the numbers or analytics say about the Celtics' chances. Obviously, they aren't super high being down 3-1, BUT eventually, an NBA team will come back from a 3-0 deficit, and this roster has the DNA to be the Sir Edmund Hilary of the 3-0 mountain top. In a way, it'd be the most "this core" shit of all time. This team loves to procrastinate and make life harder for themselves.
Win or lose; I'll be back in like nine hours to talk about the game...unless, of course, I go, but I don't see that happening since my most likely partner can't go and I'm not gonna Stephen Glansburg a playoff basketball game. Sure, I'll stand in the pit of a HAIM or The 1975 show Solo Dozo, but I refuse to do so at a sporting event. Wherever I watch, I'll be bleeding green. I believe in these guys. If anybody can do this, it's them in this situation.
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How fitting is it that the C's got me Believe-ing again on Ted Lasso night?
It won't be easy, and Miami is still in the driver's seat, but at the very least, the Celtics had a little pride and didn't just roll over and die. We saw the real Boston Celtics in the second half, highlighted by an 18-0 run in the 3rd. They're now 3-0 in elimination games these playoffs.
Tatum finally had a superstar performance (his first since a 50 burger in Game 7). He even scored his first 4th quarter basket of the series! His 34/11/7 led the way for the C's.
If you're a loyal DOL reader, you know I'm a narrative guy. The C's still have a looong (1 o for each win) way to go, but wasn't it nice to see Jeter and A-Rod in the house watching a team leading a series 3-0 with a chance to go to the championship?
In my Game 4 preview, I asked who's gonna be Dave Roberts tonight, and it looks like Grant Williams decided to steal the show with four huge three-pointers and some stellar D.
Seeing the C's knock down 18 threes was incredible, but the night's biggest story is the Celtics' defense. Grant was far from the only Celtic to hold down on the defensive end; it was a collective effort #cliche. After allowing 121 ppg through the first three games of the series, the C's held Miami to 99 points. That's Celtics basketball.
We're gonna need more from Brogdon and Jaylen. In Juice's defense, he's banged tf up. A 7/16 night isn't great, but it got the job done tonight. Malcolm, on the other hand, is in a wicked funk. The rim is the size of a Cheerio for him rn; he's averaged 1.0 PPG over the C's last two games. Not ideal from the 6th Man of the Year!! Especially when Miami's undrafted guys have been fantastic this series...but I still believe in our guys. I need to see 30+ from the Jays.
Chuck said in the postgame, and I wholeheartedly agree if the C's win Game 5, Game 6 is Miami's Game 7, but we cannot look ahead. Yes, winning a playoff basketball game feels great, but the C's are 2-5 at home in their last seven playoff games. Going home should be good, but there's no room for error anymore. We cannot play with our food. Teams leading series 3-0 are 150-0 in NBA history. That's a nice big round number; it's time to break that streak. Please, at the very least, force a Game 6. We can't have the season end at the Garden again (I was there, and it was super unfun). Much love to old man Al for having probably his best game of the playoffs so far—going 3/6 from deep in a +23 night. He's spot on here with Abby; we gotta play TEAM ball and keep the ball moving—no more iso BS.
I'm just trying to stay positive. Some day a team will come back from a 3-0 series deficit. I'm not Broadway Joeing this for the C's. I'm still quite worried, buuuuuut they were one of the best teams in the entire league all year. They've got a border-line top 5 star in Jayson Tatum. Jaylen Brown (deservingly so) made 2nd Team All-NBA this season. We're deep, and plenty of other guys help carry the load, but it comes down to the Jays. This is a legacy series for them. If they somehow pull this off, even if they lose the NBA Finals: Presented by YoutubeTV again, they'll have done something no team has ever done in the 76-year history of the National Basketball Association.
For now, the Boston Celtics are still alive, Thursday night we'll see if they make it to the weekend. If there's ever been a team built to come back from a 3-0 hole, it's these Boston Celtics. #BleedGreen P.S. D-White deserves his flowers. He hit three threes again tonight in a solid 16/2/2/2/2 night.
There's no sugarcoating it. I still can't believe they're actually in this situation, but the Boston Celtics find themselves trailing the EIGHT-SEEDED Miami Heat three games to none in the NBA's 2023 Eastern Conference Finals. Sure, the Heat aren't your average 8 seed, but a Celtics' season with legitimate championship aspirations is on the brink, and frankly, it's unacceptable. In a must-win game 3, the C's got run out of the gym, looking like a team that gave up after giving away the first two games at home. Miami has simply wanted it more through three games.
I don't know what to expect tonight. Part of me selfishly wants the series to end immediately so I don't have to worry about planning my Ubah rides around watching a playoff game. Plus, if we get swept, the C's will likely do the right thing and fire Joe Mazzulla so he can have more time to watch The Town four times a week. But as a hashtag, good guy, this is much bigger than me. I love the Boston Celtics and feel for my fellow New Englanders. People act like Boston is spoiled, but the C's have won a single championship since 1987. That's the same as the Kansas City Royals. Celtics fans haven't been spoiled in 35 years and I am only 31. Much has changed since our region's last championship win in February 2019. The Boston Red Sox traded away a future Hall of Famer for 18 cents on the dollar to save money. Tom Brady left us for scuzzy Florida and now owns a slice of the Las Vegas Raiders (it's still so fucked they're not in Oakland). A global pandemic killed millions and destroyed even more brains. There's a legit threat of fascism in this country, and to top it all off, people still suck billionaires' dicks and vote against their own self-interests. Before I get myself even more depressed about the world, let's focus on the Boston Celtics. Despite their frustrating play and consistent lack of urgency, they're still my fucking guys. I love this core and still believe they're talented enough to win a championship. It's just so infuriating to see them constantly play with their food and not take care of business. I knew Miami had a legit chance in this series, but I never saw a world where the Celtics would be down 3-0. Not even the I.T. and Jae Crowder C's went down 3-0 after getting destroyed at home in the first two games of the 2017 ECF. No team in NBA history has ever come back from a 3-0 deficit in a seven-game series, but if there ever was a team to do it...the defending conference champs with two All-NBA stars and the 6th man of the year, that ESPN gave a fuckin 97% (like jinxing ass holes) to win this series seems like a solid team to change history. I mean, we did see a 16-seed win (again) this March. After no home teams played in/won the Super Bowl for 54 years, then it happened in back-to-back seasons (2020 Bucs & 2021 Rams). Things eventually change in life. Someday a NBA team will come back down 3-0. Whether it's the 2022-23 Boston Celtics remains to be seen. The obvious parallel with the Celtic's current situation is the 2004 Boston Red Sox. In case you're like eight years old or don't know about the best comeback in sports history, the '04 Boston Red Sox trailed the 2004 American League Championship Series three games to none vs. their biggest rival, the New York Yankees. Morale couldn't be lower after losing 19-8 in Game 3, but somehow they managed to win four straight to advance to the World Series, where they swept the 105 win St. Louis Cardinals for their first championship in 86 years. I've seen way too many people making the same '04 Sox references/jokes since Sunday night thinking they're being original, but now even Marcus Smart and Jaylen Brown are paraphrasing Kevin Millar.
I mean if we win tonight, we got Pedro Game 5, Schill Game 6 and Game 7 anything can happen...
This series has been all about heart and coaching. The Celtics roster is loaded with talent, and most of this core was around last season for the NBA Finals: Presented by YoutubeTV run, but the Heat play with heart and have a better culture than the Celtics. They've got four undrafted guys out-playing/hearting/hustling us. The Heat's advantage from a coaching standpoint cannot be overstated. Erik Spoelstra vs. Joe Mazzulla is like a guitar showdown between Eric Clapton and an infant born without hands.
Miami has undrafted guys looking like Steph Curry and Kawhi Leonard, while the C's have the mental toughness of a water bed with a leak, but that doesn't mean the tides can't turn.
For one, the NBA wants the C's in the NBA Finals: Presented by YoutubeTV for better ratings, so maybe we'll catch a couple of breaks, but in all seriousness, despite being down 3-0, we have the firepower to win. It's a cliche, but they really just gotta worry about the task at hand and deal with the rest if they get the opportunity.
Tonight is about having a little fucking pride. Are you gonna roll over and die or fight back and show why the scumbags at ESPN gave you a 97% to win this series? Are the C's gonna let Jimmy Butler do whatever the fuck he wants or actually have a game plan? Maybe we can pass the ball instead of standing around watching Jayson or Jaylen attempt a HORSE-caliber circus shot and for the love of God Al, make a fucking wide open three. People have been shitting on Grant Williams for getting Jimmy Butler going and sparking a 24-9 Heat run in Game 2, but I applaud Grant for at least having a little heart and standing up to J But. He's a role player, but at least he's trying to light a fire under the rest of his team. At times it feels like the C's think they're gonna win simply by showing up, which is not how things work in professional sports. Miami has a top 10 guy in Jimmy Butler and a future HOF coach. They're up 3-0 and deserve to be (even though the C's could've won the first two games). Does it all end tonight, or will the C's have some pride and put up a fight? I wouldn't be shocked either way, but if there was ever a team to become the first in NBA to come back from a 3-0 deficit, it's this Celtics team. My confidence isn't high, but I'm not giving up yet. Hopefully, neither do they. #BleenGreen
P.S.
I think trading Jaylen Brown would be an idiotic thing (unless he flat out says he's not gonna resign..then obvi you gotta get all you can for him). Sometimes he and Jayson can piss you off with their inconsistencies, but they're still one of the best duos in the NBA and young AF. You don't destroy that core. You find pieces that complement it. I'm not the biggest x's & o's hoop guy, but maybe having a traditional play-making point guard to get them the ball would help?? I love Marcus, but that's not who he is. Also, a coach that wants to do things coaches are supposed to do, like coaching and motivating their team, would be ideal. Double P.S. Please don't get it twisted...I know it may look bad to some that I didn't blog about the C's Game 2 or 3 losses, but Game 2 was a Friday and I was working. Then on Sunday night, hand-up I got a little banged up during the game and was too angry/sad to write. That would be irresponsible! Yesterday, my back pain was so shitty that I did nothing but try to stay still and not aggravate it anymore. I felt bad not writing and had to return today before Game 4. Hopefully someone has a Dave Roberts moment tonight and gets the C's going. Grant, I'm looking at you. Song: Cadillac (2023) Artist: Cobra Man Album: New Paradise I (EP) The Celtics need to play to win tonight. After being in an emo funk for 24ish hours, it's time to manifest some '04 Sox vibes. Just win tonight and worry about the rest later. Also, I fucking love Cobra Man, and even without the lyric wordplay, it'd still be today's SOD. Sorry for the lack of blogs since Wednesday, I was busy working and dealing with a lot of negative anti-swag but the boi is back and will get into it all at some point.
Well, that fucking stunk on ice that's actually melting due to a lack of action to save the planet.
I knew this was gonna be a tough series and even said in my Game 1 vibe check that Miami ML is an smart play tonight, but man, this one hurts almost as bad as my current hive situation. It's one thing to lose a home playoff game like the way the C's lost Game 5 vs. Philly. You didn't deserve that game. You sucked. But tonight, the C's took control in the 2nd and led by nine at the half, then proceeded to give up 46 points (which is basically 50) in the 3rd quarter and kill all the good Garden vibes they built in the first 24 minutes. As the C's went from up 9 to down 11, the morale of New Englanders came crumbling down so quickly that it could be confused for a controlled demolition. To the C's credit, they came out hot to start to 4th, but Miami answered back. This tweet below illustrates the stretch that killed the Celtics comeback efforts.
The only thing that performed worse than the Celtics in the 2nd half was YoutubeTV. In a 2023 Heidi Bowl moment millions of people were stuck on a Little Mermaid reboot commercial.
You gotta give Miami their flowers. They shot the lights out tonight, 54.1% from the floor and 51.6% from deep. Jimmy Butler is on a 2014 Madison Bumgarner type run right now. He's carrying this team on a legendary run regardless of how this series ends. He has 35/5/7/6 tonight. Honestly the 6 steals were what hurt the most.
Despite his monster statline, Himmy Buckets didn't single-handily carry them tonight. 22 got plenty of help.
I think the C's probably felt a little too good going into the half and came out flatter than a successful top surgery. Jaylen admitted that in the postgame. I just can't fucking get over that 3rd quarter. I'm trying to relax and be chill, like I was at the beginning of the game when the lead changed about 96 times, but this was a killer loss and again puts you behind the 8 ball (or in this case 8 seed). We lost Game 1 vs. Philly at home and won the series. Last year, we lost vs. Milwaukee at home in Games 1 & 5 and again won the series. Of course, in last year's ECF, the C's went down 1-0 and were 1-2 at home, and you guessed it, they still won the series.
Now just cause they've done this before does not mean we need to keep making a habit of this. I would've loved to take care of business at home and go to Fascist Florida up 2-0, but now #8 seed Miami has all the momentum and power. Game 2 becomes essentially a must-win for the C's. I don't know what the fuck this team was doing in the second half (mainly cause I couldn't watch a lot of it, thanks YoutubeTV), but this is unacceptable.
Now, part of that is on Tatum for turning the ball over multiple times, but either way, you have to get your superstar some fucking touches late. Also, we can't miss seven free throws in a game where we lose by seven points. You have to give Miami their credit because they did play well and made adjustments, but this feels like one the C's gave away. FUUUUUUUCK why do we always have to play with our food???
Also, Joe....you're paid to coach the team...fucking coach them.
Respect to Marcus for not throwing his coach on the bus but this whole "he doesn't wanna bail us out" mentality that Joe's exuded all season is so fucking stupid. It isn't working. He's like trying to outsmart the world or be king hardo by not helping the guys. Yes, you want them to figure shit out, but being a coach requires you to fucking COACH. If your child is reaching for the knives, will you just let them figure out that they're sharp and can hurt/kill them at their own speed or be a fucking parent and take it?
It's only one game, and I don't want to overreact, but I am super fucking worried mixed with a dash of sad. The series is far from over, but if the C's expect to return to the NBA Finals: Presented by YoutubeTV, they have to win Game 2. We won three games in Miami in the 2022 ECF, but we need to win one in Boston Friday night. We have to win Game 2. It's as simple as that. I'll say once more. We have to win Game 2. #BleedGreen
P.S. So much for home court advantage :(
Double P.S.
You have to be fucking kidding me.
We're less than two hours from tip-off (likely much closer by the time this blog publishes) of Game 1 of the 2023 Eastern Conference Finals, and I am so fucking pumped (and nervous) about the Boston Celtics.
The road to their 5th ECF in seven seasons was a bumpy one. The C's found themselves on the brink of elimination against Philly but battled back thanks to five fantastic quarters from Jayson Tatum/Doc Rivers existing.
There were moments when it looked like we might not get here, but all that matters now is that we're still alive with an incredible opportunity ahead of us. I can say we/us because I BLEEN GREEN.
For the 3rd time in four seasons, it's Boston vs. Miami for a trip to the Finals. Miami won in 6 in the bubble, and the C's won in 7 last year (highlighted by three wins in Miami). This year is the rubber match between these cores. I've seen plenty of C's in 5 takes and learned my mistakes after disrespecting the Sixers. This Miami team is not your average #8 seed. Jimmy Butler is playing like a top 5 player in the league, and Erik Spoelstra is an elite coach, likely the best in the NBA. While I expected the C's to win this series, it's far from a lock. The numbers below don't mean shit. All that matters is what happens on the court in the next 4-7 games.
Despite a 57-win season, turnovers, poor rebounding, and questionable coaching decisions have lingered all year. Those are my three most significant concerns with this team. I love JT and hope he's broken through the funk with this recent hot streak, but it wouldn't shock me if he came out tonight and put up like a 6/23 night. I'd love to be wrong, but Miami is legit. They're not as good as last year, but they're still a deep team with plenty of guys who can burn you. Like their home state of Florida, they've got plenty of shooters. Bam scares the shit out of me. Kyle Lowry's fat ass will end up hitting some crazy ass shots. I'm sure Kevin Love will have a night where he plays like it's 2012.
I can't stand the Heat, but I can't help but respect what they've accomplished. They made quick work of the Bucks, handled the Knicks, and found themselves right where they were last season. If you asked anybody on that roster, they'd tell you they expected to be here. Hand up, I'm currently battling a nasty case of hives from this medication I'm taking for my back, so I'm a little in my head rn about my writing and honestly don't even want to write right now. I'd rather be scratching all the skin of my legs, but it's Game 1 night, and I am so fucking pumped about this team and the opportunity in front of them I had to battle through, just like the players do. It's the playoffs. Everybody's banged up. You still gotta perform. I'm playing hurt. The C's have a championship-caliber squad, and no words I post on my passion project blog will impact what happens on the court. The C's are the better team, but so were the 2007 Patriots. Jimmy Buckets and Spo still scare the shit out of me. (Is bitch boi Tyler Herro coming back?) I feel like Jimmy has at least one 50 burger in him. I could easily see the Heat taking one of the first two in Boston....honestly tonight is a good Heat ML night based on the C's Game 1 track record. Miami won two games in the Garden in last year's ECF. They're sort of like the Ravens to the early 2010s Patriots. They're not scared of us. The Heat have shown multiple times they can beat the C's. It pains me to say it, but it is undeniably true...the Heat have been a more successful franchise for the last 20 years. They've won 3 titles and played in 6. Meanwhile, we're 1-2 in the NBA Finals: Presented by YoutubeTV. But the C's are hungry. They got a taste of the NBA Finals: Presented by YoutubeTV last year, and had an excellent opportunity to win them playing a home game up 2-1, but we all know they lost three straight, and the season was over. There's indeed some Unfinished Business that needs to be taken care of. These C's have learned from their mistakes and have been battle tested. I would've liked to beat Philly in 5 for rest purposes, but I think the Celtics are better off experiencing another Game 7. They performed best with their backs against the walls. I don't really have anything else to say other than I really fucking hope we win because a championship would do a lot in numbing all the not-super-chill stuff happening in my life rn. But before you win the NBA Finals: Presented by YoutubeTV, you gotta win the East. It won't be easy, but my obviously biased, hive covered ass has C's in 6. Tatum wins ECF MVP again. I'll be back with my thoughts after the game. GO CELTICS!
Song: Wolf Like Me (2006) Artist: TV on The Radio Album: Return to Cookie Mountain LET'S GO CELTICS!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I used to listen to WEEI semi-religiously for the first decade-ish of my legal driving days. I still lived and died with the Boston Red Sox, and since I delivered pizza for five years, I spent plenty of time in my car listening to EEI. All I listened to was WBRU and WEEI; tragically, both are now dead (WEEI is currently a zombie).
While I was in college, I commuted most of my tenure, so if I had early classes (which I tried to avoid), I'd listen to Dennis and Callahan (later with Kirk) but was always kind of annoyed with how much of the show was outside of the sports realm. There were funny moments for sure, and I loved the Tom Brady interviews on Mondays (even if they didn't). Over time, the show progressively worsened and eventually ended between squabbles with management and countless on-air incidents. As WEEI continued to crumble, Callahan left, as well as Kirk and Callahan, but crazy Gerry (Callahan) found a new home at NewsMax that suits him and his "beliefs" much better. Meanwhile, Kirk Minihane is a star at Barstool. I don't have the emotional bandwidth to go into all of Gerry Callahan's scumbag beliefs and behaviors, so let's focus on this idiotic take by a hack. As you're likely aware, Jayson Tatum scored an NBA Game 7 record 51 points against the Philadelphia 76ers on Sunday. You would think that performance would make an alleged Boston sports fan happy, right? Well, not if you're a has-been fascist sympathizer who is also racist!
Like most right-wing nut jobs, this super short tweet has plenty of terrible points and mistakes. Let's dive right in.
While this isn't the first mistake, let's start with the name. It's JAYSON Tatum, not Jason. Even as I typed that second Jason, I originally put the "Y" in just by habit. It'd be one thing to make this mistake in 2017-19, but at this point, everybody knows it's Jayson. That was likely some intentional disrespect. I mean, he's clearly talking down to him there, "There are people who do that for you." Do you think he gets mad when Payton Pritchard throws up a three-pointer sign after making a shot? Of course not, especially since white supremacists have adopted that signal. Since Gerry (pronounced Jerry) has a stupid spelling of his name, you'd think he'd be a little more empathetic toward people with unconventional spellings, but then again, Republicans hate empathy nearly as much as they hate the idea of billionaires paying taxes or all men truly being equal. Next is the dead wrong notion that Larry Bird was this 1950s Hoosier who didn't talk shit or show up opponents for his entire career. Do you mean the guy who told everybody at the 3-point contest they were playing for 2nd? (and competed in his warm-ups) Or the guy who played an entire game left-handed to show up an opponent? How about how Larry Bird asked the equipment guys at every away stadium what the scoring record was in the building so he could break it? Yeah, Larry was pure class. I'm a Celtics fan, but unfortunately, I was born during Larry Legend's final injury-riddled season. While technically, I could've seen him play, the Hick from French Lick played before my time. That doesn't mean I didn't learn about Larry Legend from an early age!
Anybody who knows anything about Larry Bird knows he was a consummate shit-talker. At least I'd have an excuse for not knowing about his trash talk since it happened before my time. Hey geri, YOU were alive throughout Larry Bird's entire career. Yes, he worked hard (maybe too hard...he ruined his back fixing his mom's fucking driveway in the off-season...could you imagine an NBA superstar doing that today? There's no way Lebron, Steph, Tatum, Jokic, or Jimmy Buckets are out here repaving driveways), but the man talked his shit. Google "Larry Bird shit talk" and see how many millions of articles pop up.
I can't wrap my head around someone who's supposedly a fan of this team finding a way to get upset about Tatum's quick acknowledgment of a monster performance in a blowout C's win. Imagine being anything other than happy during that 4th quarter?? (worried is an acceptable answer if you too were concerned about the starters being in during garbage time). And to say Larry would've never done something like that??? Even worse. If you wanna just be an old man yelling at light-skinned clouds, that's one thing, but to incorrectly say Larry would never do something like that is both asinine and disingenuous. You'd almost have to have some sort of ulterior motive...
Song: Pay Your Way in Pain (2021) Artist: St. Vincent Album: Daddy's Home I went from having back pain that made life unbearable to having manageable back pain while covered in hives. I'm trying so fucking hard to turn my life around, but these obstacles and the growing rise of Christian Nationalist Fascism makes the early checkout look more appealing each day. I just want an enjoyable life with people I care about; that shouldn't be so much to ask!!! I'm gonna keep going and fighting forward, but these life hiccups are reaching Bo Jackson levels. As I type this, I feel like I'm on fucking fire...but the show must go on. IDC how many people read this (that's a low key lie please support my craft), it's time to blog, even if all I can think about is the pain I'm currently experiencing lolol. I've definitely used this as an SOD before, but it fits this current predicament quite well. I love Annie Clark. Hopefully I'm just paying my way in pain rn before a big life break.
Being 31 now, I'm sorta in the sweet spot regarding the acceptable ages of female partners. Legally speaking, anybody above 18 is fine, but I don't see a way where I could connect with someone on a deeper level if they're below like 26. Honestly, you need to be able to vividly recall your experiences on 9/11 to be anything above a fling with the Doz man (this doesn't include survivors who've lost memories due to potential injury).
But I love and respect women so much that I usually avoid interacting with them in fear of being annoying (yayyyy having no confidence). At 31, doing stuff with a lady above 40 is not crazy. Hell, the first woman to partake in Dozie's Whore Summer was 35. I'm old enough to have 20+ year celebrity crushes (s/o Heather Graham).
What I'm saying is Ole Dozo doesn't discriminate. Ideally, my future wife will be close to my age, but if I were on the apps rn, I'd have them set to 21+ with no cut-off after that. I've had a blog idea about the All-Over 50 team for hottest celebs bouncing in my brain for years, but what we're about to discuss is borderline jaw-dropping.
If you haven't already stopped reading this blog, let me fill you in like Craig David on what SI pulled with their latest Swimsuit Issue. First off, it's fucking 2023...it blows my mind this is still a thing, not because it's "outdated" to broadcast scantily clad women for profit, but because magazines are outdated. Every time I check out at a grocery store, I'm surprised to see them around. How are so many selling enough to stay in print? Don't get it twisted; as a writer, I'm happy that everybody is still getting paid...but in a late capitalist society, it's kinda crazy they're still a thing. Internet porn has been a thing for like 30 years at this point. Reddit exists. Fuck, even IG has sexier pics than whatever you'll find in PRINT. From a non-sexually adjacent standpoint, the internet exists and is in everybody's pocket. Who is buying magazines? There's a great chance they're outdated by the time they hit the shelves.
BUT, I respect what SI did to get people talking. I mean, I'm blogging about them. That probably wouldn't have been the case without this woman.
So they've got four cover models, and none are related to athletics (I don't think that's a big deal...Kate Upton wasn't back in the day before Verlander, along with dozens, if not hundreds of other models). There's Megan Fox, an American sex symbol since like 2007 and she's still relevant AF; it makes all the sense in the world to include her. There's also Kim Petras, a Grammy-winning trans singer that will surely "create buzz." As an ally...WOULD...again, it makes a lot of sense to include her. Then there's Brooks Nader, hand up...I have no clue who she is, and lastly, former federal prisoner and current octogenarian Martha Stewart. Yes, that Martha Stewart.
Now, Martha Stewart has been looking good for a minute. She's slayed multiple Comedy Central Roasts.
She's rich and powerful, so it's no surprise she doesn't look like an average 81-year-old, but this woman is still 81 fucking years old. Martha was 22 when JFK was assassinated. She may have slowed down the aging process with surgical intervention and skin treatments unknown to the working class, but she is still 81. Technology can only do so much! I don't think AI is quite there yet to pull this off. Idk how much (if any) of her is natural in these photos, but she still deserves some credit. She's undeniably glown up from the Martha Stewart we knew as kids. The woman outlived her damn name. Respect. Have you ever met a Martha who was under 60? Have you ever even met a Martha? I don't think I went to school with any Marthas, including college, which took me an extra year and featured over 16,000 other people. 31-year-olds shouldn't find her sexually attractive, but here I am writing this blog. Thirty-one-year-old (middle-aged men) in the 1950s def didn't feel that way about women born in the 1870s. God bless modern science.
Seriously, have you seen "old" people from decades ago? A 58-year-old in 1975 looks like an 85-year-old today. I obvi had to bring up this hot news and hypothetical with my fantasy league (where I'm the defending champ), and for privacy and trust reasons, I'm only sharing the intro.
The wheels of conversation were spinning like a hamster wheel full of 30 something dudes after those texts. We had an entertaining debate with more woulds than wouldn'ts, but still some wouldn'ts. Of course, this is all fun and games. Women are much more than sexual objects, and consent is vital, but that doesn't mean you can't ask your buddies if they'd smash or not in a good ole fashion hypothetical. That's a game I'll play for the rest of my life and one I will ask my readers right now.
Assuming you are attracted to fem-presenting people, would you have sex with this 81-year-old plastic queen?
If not, why? (sound off in the comments!)
Don't get me started with "her pussy is 81," because no, it fucking isn't. Martha Stewart's net worth is 400 million bucks (didn't she used to be a billionaire?). If you don't think that she's had that thing rejuvenated a few dozen times; you're crazy. Like Kim Petras, she has the best box money can buy. Maybe you want to make things a little more PG....Do you think Martha Stewart looks good? And I don't mean "oh you look so nice" good, but like "damnnnnn I'd definitely notice you in a public setting and stealthly try to tell whoever I'm with to take a glance" good. It's now nearly 8:30 pm and due to my bad back, I didn't work out last week. Despite battling the itchiest skin in Rhode Island from these roids I'm on to help my back, I need to get to Planet Fitness, so that's the blog. Martha, you're looking good and Snoop definitely already hit #respect. P.S. Here's the accessible version of the pics I sent my league. Feel free to zoom in on the one in the water. That facial expression is hot regardless of age (in this case). |
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