I'll be the first to admit this last week of blogging was not my best work. Just been out of the loop recently. Kind of a combo of my return from fake vacation to Florida, life in general and just been busy with stuff. (Started going to the gym again this week NBD) But unfortunately it's only going to get worse next week as I picked up a bunch of extra shifts at my job. I don't know what it is, just some sort of block, but I'm not in the excuse making business, I'm in the blogging to random people on the internet business. To make up for a down week, I'm going to try to make up for that with a classic "life" blog as this is doz on LIFE dot com. After this last week or so of blogging I hope I still have something good left in the tank. Here we go.
My mom always told me never to lie. That honesty is the best policy. For the most part I don't lie, it's not even a moral superiority thing; it's a I have the worst guilty conscious of all time thing. I don't do secrets, I don't like lying. That shit eats away at me. HOWEVER, that being said, sometimes you have to lie, whether it be to not hurt somebody's feelings, or any other reason most of us tell many white lies throughout our daily lives. I can do white lies, they don't hurt anybody. A white lie can save you from a lot of trouble and sometimes it's something you have to do. However sometimes I swear we do it just to do it. Some white lies have no positive reasoning. But some of them are just so ridiculous in my eyes and aren't even worth telling. Here they are:
I'm Leaving in 5 minutes
"Yeah man I'm leaving in 5, see you soon" No you're not, you're still on the couch.
Now I'll be the first to admit I've been guilty of this from time to time, but some of my friends are the biggest perpetrators of this lie. Oh yeah I'm leaving in 5 minutes, but tbh I haven't even gotten out of bed yet and won't pick you up for at least 30 minutes. It's just such a stupid lie because you're 100% going to get caught when you actually show up at the destination. A little basic math will catch you in a lie every time, hmmmmm you live 5 minutes away, said you were leaving in 5 and took 45 minutes to show up. Something doesn't add up.
I'm passing X right now.
"I just passed CVS even though I'm just pulling out of my driveway as I send this text."
Conversely, with lying about when you're leaving, the lying doesn't stop once you get in the car. Sometimes once you're already in the car you/others will lie to say they're closer to your house/restaurant/bar/etc than they really are. Big one I'll use a lot when driving to my volleyball games is "I just passed Cumbies" which is like 5 minutes away when I really am like 10 minutes away. It's stupid and very easy to catch for the same reasons as lying about when you left yet I still do it, and I've seen others do it hundreds of times too. Starting to realize most people I know (and myself) suck at being on time for shit.
I Didn't See Your Text
"I'm on my phone 17 hours a day, constantly texting, but I didn't see your text! Sorry!"
This is one of my least favorite ones, and one I can honestly say I never do. Maybe before smartphones took over the world this could be true, but in 2016 I'm not buying it. We all are on our phones constantly, the only way you actually didn't see a text is if you went blind all of a sudden or your phone is dead.
It's funny too, this only happens when you hit someone with a serious question. Nobody has ever missed a text saying something positive. If I told you I won the powerball and asked you if you wanted to go shopping you'd answer my text before your phone stopped vibrating. But if someone asks you a hard hitting question or asks you something that you wanna say "no" to but don't wanna text "no" it is "sorry man I didn't see your text" Okay, whatever you say. I'm sure you missed it.
I Think It Is Going To Rain Soon
I just don't want to be outside.
I'll Just Have a Small Bite/Small Piece (of the dessert)
"Just give me a bite......ends up eating the entire cake"
Now as a fat guy I'm allowed to shit on other fat people, similar to how black people are allowed to say the n word. I get it, dieting is hard, I know more than most, I've lost weight recently but still struggle every single day with trying to not be a pig. We all want to eat the over indulgent, great tasting foods, but sometimes you have to say no. I've noticed a LOT with women throughout my life that at dinner or something they'll say something along the lines of "let's split dessert", "I only want a bite", "Just save me a nibble".
They are all utter bullshit. You didn't get to 2 bills but "just having a nibble", babe. Just be honest and tell us, or better yet say nothing and just order the cheesecake. We know you want to eat an entire slice, and maybe even a second slice. Just do it, don't lie to the faces of everybody at dinner.
I'm Only at 10% I'll Let You Charge Later
"Once I'm at 60% you can use it, even though I'm at 88% right now"
As I said earlier, smartphones have taken over the world. I don't know about you, but when I'm hanging out with friends there is usually at least one phone charging. When someone else wants to charge, the person charging usually will say something along the lines of "I'm only at 10%, I'll let you use it when I'm at 50%" when in reality they're at like 67% are are trying to get a full charge. Listen I get it, my phone will go from 70 to 3 in about 90 minutes so I'm always charging up. But at the same time, just be straight up and say you can use it when I'm done. Now there are charger rules, whoever owns said charger gets usage rights whenever they want, that's just how society such work.
I Love You
Usually not true.
"Sorry, That's My Last Piece of Gum"
Picture says it all. Every single person in every single high school in America has said that at least once. I can vividly remember being denying gum on multiple occasions.
I'lI Go For Just One Drink
Maybe it's just my circle, but I've never seen anybody go to a bar for just one. Pelly's For One is a running joke.
"I've spaced out for the last 2 minutes and didn't hear any of your story....That's crazy, bro!"
I may be just showing my hand entirely here, but this is me a lot, I swear sometimes that I have ADD, I cannot pay attention at all sometimes. Also don't really care about what you're saying...sorry. I'll find myself talking to someone and either not listen to what they said or just have nothing to say and will drop a "that's crazy". Really hope I'm not the only one here.
I'm doing nothing, watching the same episode of the office I've seen 40 times and I am not leaving my room under any circumstances right now. If you want to come over okay, but I'm not moving.
I Just Ate
I'm actually starving, I just don't want to go to the shitty restaurant you want to go to.
That Doesn't Make You Look Fat/You Look Good In That
"No babe, you look great"
A lie men have been telling for centuries for the greater good of their own lives. I totally can't tell you've put on 42 pounds since we started dating 14 months ago. You look great!
Sorry, I'm busy with Family Stuff Right Now
This essentially ends all conversations. Nobody is going to press you any further. "I'm busy with the fam all day, sorry" You very well may have family plans, but they may end up being only an hour or two but you can milk that for an entire day of being left alone if you want.
This was fun and I'd love to keep going, but it took be 2 and half hours to put this together because my mac is 19 years old and runs on windows 95. Also I need to go to the gym before work so I don't turn back into a disgustingly fat person. Thanks for reading, let me know which ones you agree with and if theres any good ones I should've included. There could be a part 2 at some point down the road.