“Holy #%$&! Cash Cab is back!” Bailey said. “Huge thanks to all the fans who pushed for the show (and for me) to come back! Never before has a comedian been so happy to go back to driving a cab. OMG, I think I left the meter running!”
Bailey again will drive that cab that takes unwitting passengers on the ride of their life. Dodging New York City traffic, and possibly joined by a guest celebrity, they will take on classic Cash Cab trivia en route to their destination. If they get stumped, pedestrians and friends can help them out via phone, text or social media. If the riders get three questions wrong, though, they’re out on the street. Bailey has guested on multiple TV series and has done a pair of Comedy Cetral stand-up specials and others for Netflix and Amazon. Comedian David Steinberg helms the new Cash Cab, with All3Media’s Lion USA producing. Executive producers are Tony Tackaberry, Allison Corn, John Slaughter and Bailey, with Robyn Todd as co-executive producer. Talk about your classic great news scenario! Who could be upset by the news that Cash Cab is back? I honestly don't think anybody alive dislikes Cash Cab. You either liked it, or didn't know it exists. Which I think I can say is what we all strive for. That's the perfect level of status. Loved and unknown, like an indie band. When I saw the news yesterday that Cash Cab was returning with new episodes later this year I did one of these.
For those of you who don't know what that is, it's a fist pump. Sometimes people do them when they're excited. Even if they're alone. Like me when I found out this awesome news! (I'm almost always alone, but it's okay!) A very timely fist pump, that's defensemen P.K. Subban of the Nashville Predators. Little blog inside a blog here, the Preds won 4-1 last night to tie the Stanley Cup Finals at 2-2. They are winning the Cup in 6. You heard it here first. Smashville baby! That's the DOL difference.
Now as for Cash Cab it was always one of those shows that was never appointment tv, but I always enjoyed it. Like I have no idea when new episodes aired, no clue what day of the week it was on, I'm pretty sure the show was on Discovery Channel. But whenever I was surfing the channels and saw Cash Cab reruns on I'd always give it a few minutes. It's in that Man v. Food category of great weird shows on channels I never watch. As a trivia guy and even more so as a game show guy (it was dream to be a game show host as boy and low key still is now) I loved that show. I'm a HUGE game show guy, and need to be on one before my inevitable untimely death. Cash Cab probably wouldn't be my first pick though, just because it's actually kind of hard, plus it's in a cab. I'm a fucking Uber driver bro, I ain't getting in no Cab. It's called loyalty, get some. Plus I don't need to have a quick 0-3 and get kicked out of the cab before the fasten you seatbelt sound starts going off. Would be a horrible look for me, especially as someone who considers themselves smarter than most people. Imagine all the shit I'd get for sucking on Cash Cab? Not worth the risk. Gotta be able to back it up, I'd rather just be the a little over confident ass hole who picks his spots to drop in useless knowledge. I don't need Ben Bailey asking me what the 18th largest state in the U.S. is. If I had my pickings I think the obvious answer for what Game Show I'd wanna be on is Family Feud. Family Feud has stood the test of time. I've been watching it for basically my entire life. It's why I want to have a family. What's it had like what? 7 hosts. One even hanged himself, doesn't matter, show still goes on. That's what is great about the Feud. Family Feud is bigger than any single host. It's fucking Family Feud. It's an American staple. It's in the class of Price is Right, Wheel of Fortune and Jeopardy for timeless game shows. Makes me start thinking, if I wanna go on the Fued, I better find a bride soon. I mean I'm a child of divorce, can't go on the Feud that way, means I'm gonna need to make my own family. I'm already 25 and single AF. As young as I feel, I'm definitely not that young. The good chicks are gonna start getting scooped up. I'm a substitute teacher/aspiring blogger with a weight problem. I'm getting crumbs at best. So I gotta get better. At this rate, even if I fall in love tomorrow (which seems unlikely) we have to date for what? At least 18 months before I even think about proposing. Say she somehow says yes. Now we have to plan a wedding, need I not remind you I have to make sure this chick doesn't fall out of love with me at moment's notice, which given my track record seems likely. Now after 25 months of dating and planning let's say things are still going well. We're married and madly in love. Now I have to get her pregnant, but maybe we don't want to have kids right away. She's a strong career oriented woman and I'm just here to have someone to go to Red Sox games with and try to have sex with twice a week. I'm a simple man, doesn't take much to make me happy. She's crazy about her job, but I love that about her, her drive is part of why I fell in love with her. At the same time we want to have fun, travel, enjoy our late 20's/early 30's. We do that for a few years. But before you know it, now I'm 36 and she's 33. The eggs are slowly scrambling, so we're trying. We're really trying, but oh no, looks like my boys can't swim! Now we have think about the adoption process, but I really don't feel comfortable about it. See I'm one of only three male namesakes left and I really want to keep the family name going on through my blood. I have a name to keep going, might not be much of a name, but it's mine God Damnit. She understands, so we keep trying. After 22 months of trying, my beautiful wife is finally with child. We're so happy, there were countless nights where we thought this day would never come, but it did. Unlike my wife, who I can't please sexually, but she overlooks it because I love her so much, am a great partner, and am the funniest mother fucker she's ever met. She has our son and he's actually a great kid. Named Thomas after TB12. Judge me all you want, but I've always liked the name Tom and it just happens to be the name of the greatest QB of all time, so what. I'm an American I can name my son whatever the fuck I want. Now my wife and I have only one son and are in our late-mid 30's. That means we're gonna need at least another kid to fill out the board. We could have one of our parents, but who knows, they could be long dead by now. Best bet is to have my wife and our kids, maybe one of their spouses. This means now I need to have another kid, raise those bastards, not die, keep my marriage going, make sure my kids end up with someone smart enough to be on Family Feud. By now it's like 2046. So I'm definitely not getting Steve Harvey as my host, and yeah I know I said that Family Feud is bigger than any one host, but come on, it's Steve Harvey. Everybody loves him for some reason that I still don't understand. I always wanted to have him, I picture him clowning on my whacky shirt, that was intentionally picked just to get a reaction out of him. It would've been a wild shirt, man. So my wife and I start applying. We send in cute family videos every fucking week. No response. It's goes on for 4 years, finally we get the call. Babe, we made it, we finally made it! We're on the fucking Feud. It's 2051, I'm almost 60, but damnit it I'm here. So we get to the studio, I tell my family, win or lose I'll still love them, which is partly true. I'll still love them, but if we win it's gonna be a lot better for the future of this family. We're in a tight match-up against an all black family, because that's what they do on the feud, they try to make it about race, which sadly even in 2051 is an issue in our country. Things are definitely better, but I mean black v white will still always be a classic storyline. We're in a neck and neck, back and forth battle and it comes down to sudden death, God Bless that beautiful bride of mine, even after 30+ years of marriage she's still as beautiful as the day we met. She rings and gets the answer. We did it, she got it. Finally, our journey to not only get on Family Feud, but win is nearly complete. I say, honey, you go first, you're on absolute fire right now, go get us at least 100 points. I love you. She goes up and fucking crushes it, 134 points. All I need to do is not get buzzer answers and we're walking out of this shitty Georgia studio with $35,000 (I know on the Feud the winners get $20,000 but with inflation, I'm thinking by the 2050's they bump it up). I absolutely fucking crush the answers. Now it's time to go over them. It's me and longtime Family Feud host, Miles Teller, locked arm and arm. After 3 answer reveals we're at 197 and I can fucking taste that 35K. 50+ years of work to get here. Years of Red Sox games and leaving my wife wanting just a little more in bedroom. Years and years of trying to reproduce that took a minor toll on our marriage, accepting the fact that our daughter is now our second son, none if it matters, we're finally fucking here. Miles goes over my 4th answer "Name a day of the week where people go out to eat" My answer is Saturday, because my wife already said Friday which of course was the number one answer". Miles pauses, like the host always does to create a little drama before the game winner answer . . . "Saturday, 38 points, congratulations M********* family; you just won 35,000 dollars!!" We're celebrating. After our wedding night, the births of children, the ends of Super Bowls 49 and 51 this is the happiest moment of my life. At that very moment, my heart explodes; literally. It pops like an old water balloon. My untimely death has finally happened, a hair short of 60 years old; I'm dead, RIP Ole Dozo. But I died a fucking Family Feud champion. P.S. 18th largest state by area in Washington. By population it's Missouri.
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