This is a new blog format that nobody's ever thought of before. There isn't a set topic; I'm letting the words flow out of my brain via my fingers onto a keyboard that could definitely use a cleaning.
It's Monday afternoon, and sure, I wrote that filler blog at like 1 am, so I've already got something out today, but I need to do better than that. Honestly, I'm struggling right now---not having a great brain day, and my back has been in utter disarray for the last two weeks (and sporadically since 2009). On the positive side, two buddies are coming over tonight to chill, and I'm going to make dinner; I'm excited about that, but it's also 1:35 now, and I have yet to get a confirmation text. If this falls through, I'm definitely going to be a little bummed out. **As of first editing, I've gotten one confirmation** Of course, there's the big news that Tucker Carlson is out at the Fox Propaganda Network, and I'm sure that has nothing to deal with Fox's nearly 1 Billion Dollar settlement with Dominion for knowingly spreading lies in the name of ratings and money, but I really don't want to focus on that on the blog. What else is there to say besides Tucker Carlson is a piece of shit fascist sympathizer with terrible hair? These few tweets and one IG post sum everything up.
I'm happy for our crumbling democracy and everybody at Planet Fitness unwillingly exposed to his trash every night, but I know this is not the last we'll see of Cucker. Believe it or not, this is not really a topic I want to blog about. It's not fun to write about...unlike the Boston Celtics and their playoff run.
Last night, the Celtics went up 3-1 in the First Round and should hopefully eliminate the Hawks tomorrow at the Garden. They're 3/16ths of the way to Banner 18! (I dig this trippy ass IG filter) 
The C's are nearly unstoppable when the Jays drop 30+; last night, they both had 31.
Both Jayson and Jaylen hit clutch threes in the closing minutes of the 4th to seal the game. I think I speak for all Celtics fans when I say it was fucking dopeeeee.
After the game, I watched the 3rd episode of Barry's final season. I won't spoil anything, but getting a brief Documentary Now reunion was nice. Yeah, the show has sort of lost its spark, but when Doc Now was good, it was GREAT.
I won't spoil anything about Barry in writing...this tweet, on the other hand, definitely will, so don't click if you're in a situation where you want to avoid knowing what happened...but holy fuck, what an ending!!!
I don't know about you guys, but I'm fucking terrified about all this AI stuff. It feels like the human race is using the Click remote to speed up the fall of humanity. Don't get me wrong, there are cool parts of it, but on the whole...it scares the shit out of me.
Sometimes I wish I didn't care so much. I'm almost jealous of people who only care about their finances. Like does it not bother you that the world is on fire? I wish I could go on about my life and not let my worries and fears control me, but they paralyze me. I just can't wrap my head around how shitty so much stuff is. Why do people actively try to make life worse for others? It bums me tf out. I don't want to dedicate so much of my energy and time to it. I'm like getting frustrated with myself as I write this. Like, Jeez, Ryan, just cut yourself some slack. You're trying... I just am so fucking angry with myself. I hate the situation(s) I've gotten myself into. What the fuck am I even doing? Do you think I enjoy this shit? Nah, dude, I fucking hate it. I'm lost and alone and so over it. Why can't I say how I actually feel to people? I'm so fucking sick of how my life currently is. I feel like I'm wasting it. There's so much more I want out of it. Whatever I do, it's not enough or good enough for anybody. I just want to be accepted, loved, and appreciated. Over the last few days, I've experienced some of the highest of highs and lowest of lows, and that's not just because 4/20 was Thursday. Even as I type this, I think to myself, what's the point? Does anybody really give a fuck about what I have to say? I mean, why would they? Who the fuck am I other than some dude who peaked in high school? That's not fucking true. I peaked at 24. Actually fuck that; I haven't even begun to peak. That's right. A Dennis Reynolds quote is how you know things are going well up in the ole noggin. I don't know why I'm not enough. It's something I spend a lot of time discussing with my shrink. She'll spin it back and be like who's saying that you're not enough or ask me why I feel this way and it's pretty simple. I think that way because I'm ignored. When I was a teacher trying to make a difference, I was ignored. My lack of audience growth is the world ignoring what I have to say. I'm sure I don't have all the answers, but everything I say and believe comes from a place of trying to improve life. I guess believing in equality and not letting the ruling class control us is too "woke." I'm gonna freak the fuck out now because I have THRICE hit the stupid fucking trackpad on my Mac the wrong way and lost multiple paragraphs in this blog. Ironically they were about not being so hard on myself when I am currently super pissed at myself for making the same mistake three times in like four minutes. The moment might be gone now. I had really hit my stride, and now it's gone. Fuck me sideways. As of this sentence, I have now said "fuck" like 15 times in this blog, which feels like a lot, but my vocabulary is another part of me that is not as good as I know it could be. I really wish I could find the words to tell all the people I need to say things to how I feel. It may be hard to believe with how much shit I put out in the interweb, but there's actually a ton of stuff I hold in. It's not healthy, but I am nonconfrontational (a pussy). This weekend I dipped my toes into the putting myself back out there waters and immediately got bitten by a shark, so I guess this is it for today's brain dump. Sorry if what I wrote made little to no sense but it felt good to let shit spew. I gotta clean up my spot and hit the gym before my friends come over, and honestly, a cat nap wouldn't suck either. I might need to pick up some more chicken too. Hopefully, it'll be a solid hang, and I'll get enough of my current feelings out without oversharing, monopolizing the conversation, or murdering vibes.
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