Dozo Goes on OKCupid

Old people on Facebook please stay away unless you can have a good laugh (at my expense)

I'm just gonna be frank here, I SUCK at talking to girls. Being a big dude always messed with my confidence. Luckily I'm getting in shape, which has helped with the whole confidence thing so I'm ready to start putting myself out there again. But I really have no idea what I'm doing. No idea how to approach women or have game. I dated a girl on and off for like two and a half years, and have had a few other things happen but other than that I'm basically a virgin. I really haven't tried a lot since her, I'm just wicked awkward, like possibly on the spectrum awkward. To the point where it's stopped me from trying, so let's just say I'm no Casanova.

Now that I've lost 100+ pounds and counting I'm giving it another shot. Obviously I'd like to meet someone in real life, but I'm gonna do everything to increase my odds. That being said. Ladies, I am available. So someone told me about OkCupid the other day and I decided okay, I'll give this a shot, why not? Well let me tell you, idk if they work or not since I just signed up last night but their questionnaire is bananas. Some of the weirdest questions I've ever read. I'm gonna share some of the ones that really jumped out to me and what they made me think. 


Let's begin with what started it all, some questions were normal(ish) then this comes up:

Listen, I love animals (for the most part) but this question is insane. I was gonna say no animal life is more valuable than a human life but that's not true, because there are dogs more valuable than people but I don't think this question is referring to dogs, more like barn yard animals which literally don't matter, they're food. Sorry not sorry. Just a weird question for a dating site.

This really messed with me. If being polite to a girl is considered insulting and sexist I think I'm done with everything. So dumb.

Very touchy subject to get into on the blog but this really stuck out to me just because 'a few times a year" was a possible response. Lie city for whoever clicks that.

Duh bro, it's 2016. I may be an ass hole but I'm not that big of an ass hole. I'd like to think DOL is a gay friendly blog. I may poke fun once and a while but I think nobody should be off limits. Of course I'm cool with gay parents. Rather have a gay couple raising a kid(s) who actually want to be parents than some fuck up scumbag teenagers that are just gonna raise another fuck up and keep the cycle going.

 BIG TIME YES. If this makes me a "sexist pig" then I'll gladly wear that hat. I'm not saying you have to shave every single day, but I don't want a chick with legs like mine, sorry. As for arm pit hair, that shit is vile. It takes 2 seconds to shave them ladies I don't think that's asking for much. What I want to know is who the fuck trims their armpit hair? That's almost worse than just letting it grow. Who wants a little bit of armpit hair?

This question geeked me out last night. It's like they know exactly who I am. Just cutting right to the chase, I like your forwardness. I'd like to find a GF but obviously if this happened I wouldn't be mad.

I'm only an adult when it is convenient to me.



Now it's like they know exactly who is filling out the questionnaire. Shit got weird.

I plead the 5th.

As an overweight man I REALLY, REALLY want to be able to say yes here but I cannot. I know the truth.

No I'm a normal person.

What sucks is even if I was into this I'd be the idiot who accidentally kills someone then ends up in jail because I suck at foreplay

Absolutely, and for my sake the sooner the better.

Brains are very important too, babe. Gotta know this.

I guess I'm not an adult because this made me laugh.

A reluctant no.

This question might as well be "Have you ever in your life been 14 years old?"

The grammar made me cringe. If you're over 8 years old you have to know the difference. I have a group chat that is just constant wrong usage that makes me want to KMS.

HARD NO. If this makes me a bad person then I guess I'm a bad person. I know we have to be accepting of everything in 2016 but I'm not dating a person with HIV. Sorry.

Rape and fantasy are two words that shouldn't mix. That being said I'll answer that with this, I'm all about pleasing my girl. Her call.

Yes, it's called family.

Hypothetically, are fat guys with small wieners good at porn?

OKCupid is trying to get me trouble. It all depends on the season and how I'm doing. Currently not gambling but let's not carve that in stone. Also I know this is a double standard but I can't date a gambler. Can't have two broke people in a relationship. Although the idea of playing roulette with a girl I love is very intriguing.

If there's one thing I want you to know about me it's this: I'm a fantastic tipper. You better be too. I have a lot of respect for people in the service industry.

Wording it that way makes it sound so much worse. That being said it's 2016. Let's hope my mom isn't reading this blog.

This question really fucked me up. I was quick to say no but, then I got all deep and sentimental, maybe they do. I can be swayed in either direction, much like a tree.

HAHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHHAHAHAH. Yes.


In all seriousness, YES.

Happiness is not worrying about bills which would not happen if I was rich. Also in a non shallow answer I could do a lot of great things with a bunch of extra money so yes I believe money CAN buy happiness but it's not a guarantee.

Big time yes, everything a person likes and does IMO reflects intelligence.

Do you enjoy one of the 5 best parts about being alive? hmmmm

Deep AF. I just went with the basic bitch answer and said Einstein. Nobody ever says "look at Mozart over here" when referring to a smart person or being sarcastic.

Maybe this is going over my head, but WTF does this even mean?

 Reluctant yes. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

 Man, you're cutting too deep. I said Fucked Up when they are probably just kind of fucked up. First thing I'm doing when I get a real job with dental is getting invisalign

No wtf.



(it's okay)

Seeing as it's the only thing that will give me confidence to approach girls, hard yes.

GTFO. (Unless it's my dog that I don't yet own)

Only when I win an NBA championship or have a kid. So it's been a while.

Sorry, but I'm huge hair guy. I have great hair, you need to as well. I just love long hair. I want a feminine partner. Unless you're on chemo short hair a dealbreaker.

I feel like I should know what this means because I have a history degree. But I don't, I'll put my hand up for that. Sorry.

Only a few left. Let's finish strong.

I read online constantly, but have read maybe 5 books in my entire life for pleasure. TV.

IDK about complete goth, but I did shop at Hot Topic a lot in 7th grade. Really liked studded belts and emo music.

This question has the same answer as "are you breathing currently?" Also goes well with the gambling question.

Sneaky the most important question. This let's me know if you're fun or not. People that hate halloween are the worst. I want, no I NEED a girl who is fun and likes to have fun. I LOVE Halloween. Missed it this year for the first time ever because I was visiting my sister in Florida. Still not over it.



So I guess that's it. I answered probably 100 more questions but these are the ones I felt like sharing. Hope you enjoyed this blog, I thought it was funny. Let's see maybe this survey will help me find the next Mrs. Dozo.