I need to get a haircut. I know I do. It's kind of in an awkward stage right now. I want long hair again, but like leaving Nashville, and getting fat again, cutting my hair was a mistake. I'm trying to grow it back, but I need a little shape up to give my shit some style/look a little more presentable at work. Since I've only gotten 3 haircuts in the last 2 and a half years, and been disappointed after 2 of them, I don't have a reliable hairdresser to call my own (recommendations welcome!).
The last haircut I got was kind of a hack job, one side is like an inch and a half longer than the other. It's not a great look. Because of this I am kind of nervous to get a haircut. I don't care about much in life, but one thing I do care about is my hair. It's all I have. I don't trust new people. I don't want it to get more fucked up. So in the meantime, I decided to get a new Red Sox hat to cover up this issue.
I've been meaning to get a new Sox hat anyways, but finding an 8 is not an easy task. Last three places I checked did not have any. I'm a fat bastard (diet started yesterday!), but I could lose 100 pounds (again) and my head would still be gigantic. Finding a size 8 hat is like finding a XL shirt at H&M. I decided to go to the Warwick Mall to get my hat. It's not exactly like finding a needle in a haystack, it's more like finding a quarter in a haystack. Luckily, the hat koisk at the Warwick Mall had a size 8. Mission Accomplished!
On my way out I walked by the food court because that's where I parked since I'm v familiar with the layout of the Warwick Mall and knew the hat kiosk is almost immediately outside of the food court. Yeah, I got in line at Panda Express, but quickly exited the line because diet started yesterday. Yes, I know very strong of me, but please hold applause until the end of this blog. When I got out of line, after literally and figuratively patting myself on the back I came across something you rarely see in the wild anymore, and no sadly I'm not talking about White Rhinos, I'm talking Aaron Hernandez jerseys.
Not only did I take that picture without being noticed by using the fool-proof "pretending to facetime" tactic, but I was so surprised that I saw this jersey that I shared it on two (2) different social media platforms.
Seeing the Hernandez jersey got the wheels in my head spinning. When (if ever) is it okay to wear an Aaron Hernandez jersey? As a Patriot and Tebow-era Florida Gators fan I feel as if I am an expert in this topic.
Here are the five situations in life where it's okay to wear an Aaron Herandez jersey. I now present you:
5 Everyday Situations You Can Wear an Aaron Hernandez jersey:
1. Performing stand-up in Boston.
I can't believe this is the best quality photo anybody got of Daniel Tosh wearing a Hernandez jersey at a show in Boston. You'd think this was taken in 2005 not 2015, which would make little to no sense since Hernandez was a junior in High School in 05 but this photo is in fact less than three years old despite having some daguerreotype quality. As Dolphins fan (no wonder why he's depressed) this was a troll move, very on par for his comedy. No issues here.
You can get away with anything if you say you're doing it ironically. (don't quote me on that)
3. If You Are Also A Murderer
It's like how jeep people always honk at each other, or how Jewish people will chose a Jewish business over one run by gentiles. You gotta support your own kind.
You can be anything on Halloween without negative repercussions. (again, do not quote me on that)
5. Whenever You Want
I bet you thought I was gonna end this with "never". Well, I almost did but then the snowflake on my nose melted and I remembered that I live in America and for the time being freedom of speech still exists. While Bob Kraft did his best to eliminate all Aaron Hernandez jerseys in 2012, there are still plenty circulating the streets. If you want to wear an Aaron Hernandez jersey you legally can do that, but just know you're gonna get some serious looks. Plus enough time hasn't passed yet. People (me) make 9/11 jokes all the time so time really does heal all wounds (unless you're Odin Lloyd) but for now you're gonna look like a fucking ass hole who is pro murder (and also suicide technically) if you're wearing a Hernandez jersey outdoors and are probably going to have fake bloggers write about you in their spare time.