Freshly Retired and Recently Divorced Tom Brady is Out Here Slinging D Before Lunch Time
Not to brag, but I woke up at the extremely normal and acceptable time of around 8 am this morning in an effort to reset my sleep schedule after nearly a year of nocturnal-ness.
I didn't know what to expect being conscious before the mid-afternoon, but it surely wasn't one 45-year-old Thomas Edward Patrick Brady, Jr posting a nearly nude 1/3 life crisis selfie from a tropic hotel room to sling his $900 ($20) briefs.
In some ways, this post makes sense, it's the official start of Super Bowl week and since Tommy's played in 10 of the previous 56 "big games," this is his time. Since he retired for the 2nd time last week, his days of dominating the biggest week on the football calendar are over (until he ends up calling a Super Bowl for Fox in like three seasons) but TB12 followed the hot girl playbook of dropping a thirsty pic to get people talking. Tom's not going down without a fight. Nobody is talking about the Kelce bothers after this post. Tom might not be playing in the Super Bowl, but this is still his week. I'm just blown away (not in a bad way) that this is where we are.
Imagine if Roger Staubach or Terry Bradshaw dropped a photo like this in like 1981. Sure, it'd be like a Polaroid in an envelope since they're legends of a different era, but it's kind of crazy that TB12 is out here post Grindr bate on a Monday morning before people in the midwest are even at work. I wonder if I'll see Cucker Carlson crying about this when I'm at the gym tonight.
Cyclone Larry said what we're all thinking. Tommy boy, why are you covering up that goat sausage??
Real Patriot fans know that Brady's poking fun at his former teammates Jules & Gronk for their days of thirst traps. This is clearly a big marketing ploy for BRADY (and probz 80 For Brady too). Let's look back at this BRADY tweet from June 9th, 2022. S/o Tommy for the lil dick joke.
BRADY Brand tweeted this at 9:16 am:
Tom's response tweet was posted at 9:49 am. This wasn't just some out of the blue OnlyFans promo shot, he's tryna to move some merch and possibly advertise to all the 26 year old Peloton instructors that retired Brady is ready to pounce (as if we didn't all know already).
Of course, the biggest question is what's good with this modesty 12? Why are you covering up your Lombardi Trophy? Basic bitches will say it's to keep things semi-appropriate, but I think it's cause there's some truth to Brady's sock joke. My dude is the greatest quarterback of all-time. He's rich enough for 10 lifetimes. Nobody will ever match his production and longevity on the gridiron. I have a hard time believing that Brady's packing a python too. Nobody's that lucky. Sure, he's handsome and like 6' 4", but let's not pretend that TB12 hasn't had more work done than a child iPhone assembler.
You'd think in 2023 we'd have better dick enhancement surgery options (they probably do for the rich), but I feel like Brady's walking around an average ass piece. MAYBE he's got a 6er because he's tall, but I feel like Tommy's got a textbook, run of the mill, nothing to write home about penis. Of course, he makes up for it with an outstanding tongue game and stamina. He'll fuck you with a fiver for hours. He might be the goat, but he still has that 199th overall pick work ethic. He lives in the box. You know Brady isn't scared to get in the trenches. He's the best QB sneaker of all time.
This is probably this closest thing in QB history to this Brady undie shot. It'd probably get more outrage today because of how much the far right hates freedom of expression.
As of 1:08 pm. we're only 54 likes away!
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