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In July of 1994, Hootie and the Blowfish released one of the most successful albums of all time, Cracked Rear View. In the album's 3rd single, "Only Wanna Be With You," lead singer Darius Rucker famously said he's such a baby 'cause the Dolphins make him cry, and that wasn't in reference towards the mistreatment of animals. He was talking about the Miami Dolphins of the National Football League!
ICYBUARS95 (In case you've been under a rock since 1995): the Miami Dolphins fucking STINK, but they didn't always stink out loud! From 1970 to 2001, they made the playoffs 21 times. Sure, the once-proud Miami Dolphins haven't been to the Super Bowl since 1984 (1985 if you don't respect the league year) and haven't won it since the days of Larry Csonka, Jim Kiick, Bob Griese, and the "no name defense" when they won back-to-back Lombardis in 1972 & 73, but there wasn't a whole lot to cry about in the early-mid 90s other than wasting Dan Marino's prime. People (myself included) love to shit on the Dallas Cowboys for not getting past the Divisional Round since 1995, but the Miami Dolphins' (who haven't been past the Divisional Round since 1992) futility blows the Cowboys out of the water like their mascot in Ace Ventura. Sure, they'll beat the Pats down in Miami like 1.5 times every three years, but in the grand scheme of the NFL, they're a fucking joke. Their owner allegedly tried to bribe Brian Flores to lose in order to get a better draft pick and the franchise hasn't won a playoff game since 2000. Speaking of 1995, that was the "legendary" Don Shula's final season in Miami. It's also the most recent time the Miami Dolphins finished top 10 in total offense. Not to throw salt in their wound, but the NFL only had 30 teams in 1995.
It can be easy to forget how long ago that was...when I saw that the Bruins are hosting the 2023 Winter Classic at Fenway I was like "wow that's so far away," when it reality it's less than a year away. 1995 was 27 years ago.
In Miami's defense, they finished 8th in the NFL in points scored in 2001, but total offense is measured in yards. Sure it's not everything, but I'd say it's pretty essential. Unless you're Brandon Staley, yards usually turn into points. Yeah, there are outliers; the 2000 Ravens, 2002 Buccaneers, and 2015 Broncos all finished outside the top 10 in total offense (16th, 24th, and 16th respectively), but unless you're boasting an all-time defense, you're gonna have to move the ball to be successful. Just to remind the reader at home, the Miami Dolphins have been to the playoffs twice since 2002.
There are plenty of crazy stats out there; the Arizona Cardinals haven't had a tight end finish a game with over 100 receiving yards since 1989. But seeing that the Miami Dolphins haven't had a top 10 offense since Tupac, Biggie, and Princess Diana were alive, is in a word, wild. When you think about how futile the Miami Dolphins have been since 2002, it's really not that surprising, but anytime you're a dozen years behind the CLEVELAND BROWNS in a stat about sucking, things are not ideal. Mike McDaniel could very well be the guy to turn it around. Selfishly I hope not.
P.S.
The Miami Dolphins' total offense ranks since 1995: 1996: 14th 1997: 11th (wow so close to this stat being slightly less embarrassing) 1998: 16th 1999: 20th 2000: 26th 2001:21st 2002: 15th (first year with 32 teams; this was with Ricky Williams rushing for 1853 yads) 2003: 24th 2004: 29th 2005: 14th 2006: 20th 2007: 28th 2008: 12th (wildcat bull shit) 2009: 17th 2010: 21st 2011: 22nd 2012: 27th 2013: 27th 2014: 14th 2015: 26th 2016: 24th 2017: 25th 2018: 31st 2019: 27th 2020: 22nd 2021: 25th Mean: 21.46 Median: 22 Mode: 14 & 27
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