Like three weeks ago I lost my wallet, or should I say couldn't see it right in front of my fucking face in my bedroom. It was Resting on my bookcase (one of the 5 or so spots I usually keep it) with a jacket over it. How it took me 3 days to find it...I'll never know.
So during these few days where I had no wallet, I also had no money other than Venmo to barter with people to buy me stuff. I felt like I was on the triangle trade. Come on bro buy me dinner, I'll venmo right now. It was not an ideal time to be ole dozo, but then again when is it ever?
One of the days I didn't have a wallet my co worker who I was riding with that week asked if I wanted to get lunch and I told him - I was all good because I didn't have my wallet--get whatever you want, I'm gonna eat after work.
He was like nah, it's all good I really want pizza and not gonna eat the whole thing. It's on me.
What a guy. I'll give him that. Solid dude. He could obviously tell by looking at me that I am a pizza man. Just a savage move (IMO and in the eyes of most sane people as well) by his part was about to take place.
So we get to this place called 401 Pizza in Providence. It's in the ghetto by my work but actually a nice looking place. I had to go to bathroom. So I told him I was gonna run to the men's room. I made the fatal mistake of assuming he'd wait til I'm back to order. I don't think I'm thinking too outside of the box here.
Now I understand that since he is paying for the pizza he has the right to get whatever he wants. He doesn't have to include me, and I never asked him to. But anyways---in the 13 seconds it takes me to pee and not wash my hands because I never touched my wein so why waste water? He proceeded to order an olive and cheese pizza. One of, if not the worst possible one topping pizzas known to man. Not only are olives disgusting, but they also are a 3rd lead at best. Nobody is casting Olives to play the leading lady in Oscar winner. Olives don't put asses in the seats. Olives get to be Steve Buschemi in the Adam Sandler movies at best. Only good to a small percentage of people. If you're going to go one topping I think like 3/4 of people are going pepperoni. Then sausage? Personally I wouldn't hate just pineapple but I would never in a million years split a just pineapple pizza with a person who had no say in the outcome because despite my love and admiration for pineapple on pizza (it's delicious, you child) I know it's not copacetic with everybody.
That is my biggest complaint here. Don't say you'll split a pizza with someone and then get just fucking olive. He's not a vegetarian, either. I know I'm a picky ass eater but who in their right mind is ever craving a just olive pizza? Does this guy live in a society? When I told him I didn't like olives he was shocked. Like I was the crazy one. He said "that's crazy, everybody likes olives" which all things considered may be the hottest take of 2018. Olives know their place. They're an indie band who's never gonna make it, but they have a solid crowd who supports them just enough for them to survive. Olives are niche. Olives are like I said a supporter. I feel like you have like another veggy with olives as an accent or like sausage and olives. I was in the pizza game half a decade and didn't see a ton of just olives pass by.
Offering to split a pizza with me, then only find out it's an olive pizza is a lot like offering to help me move and showing up on your motorcycle. Yeah it's a nice gesture in theory, but you're really not doing anything for me.
Idk, maybe I'm wrong, but I really don't think I am. It is an absolute savage move to order a just olive pizza because "everybody loves olives". Don't offer to split a pie and show up with olives.
Then the whole time he kept pressuring me into eating it. I was like nah man I'm all set, I really don't like olives, I wanted to say a lot more than that but didn't wanna be an ass hole to a guy trying to get me lunch, but I mean how many times do I need to say it olives and fucking gross and INSANE topping to just assume a basically stranger would wanna split. I've you're doing AP Top 25 rankings of solo toppings not only is olives not on the top 25 but it didn't even also receive votes. Yeah I picked the olives off of one slice and then just ate the dough and sauce with no cheese on two more slices because I could still taste olive residue on the first de-olived slice. But the dude was basically begging me to eat his pizza. I had to and I was hungry. We even left one slice there on the tin when we left---something unheard of in my pizza philosophy.
I'm so shook up about this I'm writing this blog three weeks later. It's been in my tickler file I just haven't had a chance to break it out, but now that I have my own place and more me time I'm hoping to write more. Bored on a Saturday afternoon? Yeah let's bang a couple out. I wanna give podcasting another try too and I think my asbestos basement is just the place to have a studio, Just don't let future guests know that. Olives are still fucking trash though please do not think I forgot that in this little ending blurb. This concludes my blog.