I Don't Know How To Title This Post, But You're Gonna Wanna Read It!!!

Since I did some drinking Sunday I was not 100% certain of my actions that particular evening.  Amongst the chaos of notifications that I woke up Monday afternoon was five snapchat noties; three were run of the mill snaps from two different people (NBD).  The other two were from that bull-shit double notification you get when someone's snap-texting you.

Once I unlocked my phone and saw the name of a young lady from tinder (on the typed message) my heart sank like a 1967 Oldsmobile Delmont 88. I did only what was natural: I avoided the snap. It was easy to assume I said/did something embarrassing under the influence of Budweiser Light and I just wasn't ready to face the music yet. 

After a little more investigating of my night, I realized I had nothing to be nervous about. I thanked the Lord above that there were no drunk texts to the wrong people or pig in a blanket photos sent.  LOL JK I'm #cut.  All I did was send a picture of my thrown up Taco Bell.  Safe to say, I dodged a bullet.

via GIPHY

When I finally did open up that snap, I got something I simply never anticipated waking up to;  a survey.

Not just any survey.  This was an "I Used to Like You" survey from a chick I talked on Tinder before the Big C took over the world.  You, know? The same survey we all get at least twice a year. 

​Our story began when I shared a blog about me nearly shitting my pants as a last-ditch effort to gain her attention after my previous attempts at courtship went unrequited.

After this, it was a month or so of snaps and texting.  We were unable to ever find a set time to hang out and before you knew it; the Big C put out this and all other currently-lit tinder flames. 

I wasn't going to waste my time talking to three different tinder girls when I knew nothing was going to happen during a goTTT damn pandemic.  I have much bigger things to worry about (bed sores, getting hired by barstool, not gaining 50 lbs during quarantine) than girls I'll never meet.  Not to flex, but I caught some nudies. It's something we've all done before. WHO CARES?!  I just got a couple tit-shots. I didn't invent a way to smoke without Scooby Snacks (although I'm close) or anything.

You couldn't even play a game of half court hoops with my stat-sheet of sexual partners, but virtually I'm Wilt Chamberlain.  If people worshiped men who've had countless meaningless conversations with girls ages 21 (sometimes 18) to 58 within 50 miles of their current location there would be a Church of Dozo in every major U.S. city.  I've talked to dead ass HUNDREDS of chicks from anywhere of 5 minutes to like 13 weeks without ever getting any skin-to-skin contact; you would've thought I was practicing social distancing in 2016. 

As I sabotage any chances I may have had with this actually very nice girl; in the name of comedy..... let's take a look at this fuckin' survey and legitimate submitted answers I submitted.  The first run is just a read through.

Now let's check the coaches tape.

No government names. Pretty straight forward here.

As I put on my psychoanalysis hat I can't help but be turned off my the spacing here. It annoyed me. A few months, then the next option is 1-2 years? So what if you've known this chick for 10 months? If someone asks you to do a few favors and comes back with a list of 10 things you're punching them in the fucking face. S/O my best blog of 2020 for allowing this blog to even happen. #butterflyeffect

The five saved photos to our snap conversation and you straight up telling me makes it pretty clear ;)

I don't want to say I didn't, because I def was digging this chick and actually wanted to go on a date...but if I was to take truth serum, the main reason of this and all tinder conversations is meaningless sex to pad my stats before I settle down and am faithful to my future wife unless she's cool with having an open thing (which I would happily embrace). I've learned from my mistakes of falling for a girl before I even tried her on for size.

I mean you were talking to me. You know you aren't Christina Hendricks.

Who else has the balls to just not answer the question? This is what you call playing games/ I didn't wanna be crass on a family site.

Solid vibes, but an exit interview doesn't exactly get my dick hard. (Sorry you read that mom)

Semi-awkward to say the least, but makes for good content. It's not as awkward as when one of the other tinder girls I was talking to at the same time as this one was at the Bounce House this chick works at. I feel like I could've worded that better, but you get the point. Wild day on my snap stories! I felt like the protagonist of the most epic beat-box of all time.

This blog should've taken me 45 minutes, but in reality we're looking at about 8 hours since I typed my first letter lolol. #HireDozo #Stilldowntosmash