I Don’t Understand How Bottle Opener Sandals Are Still a Thing

Threeish years ago, before moving to Nashville for less time than it takes to preheat an oven; I went to a Bob’s Store with my mom to get some new gear before the move.

I got these Vans flip flops that I fell for quicker than a Ramones song. They were only like $30 and had a little Rasta vibe on the thong part that I dug. I’ve worn them so much since August of 2017 that the right one has spots that are thinner than prosciutto.

Tbh I didn’t really see the problem. I love these flops and the left one is still in perfect condition. You can’t even see the ground completely through them yet so what’s the big deal? They’ve simply evolved over time to perfectly fit my size 12 feet. Now you want me to move on? Right when they fit like a glove; are you kidding me? Typical American waste culture!

​Sure, you can clearly make out the number 20 from how worn down they are, but what does that even mean? Maybe it’s for “you still have 20 years left in these bro, don’t sweat it.”

Since my mom was in town for a few days last week and we needed something to do, she was able to convince me it was time to go get a some new flops. I’ve been working like crazy (hence the lack of blogs in July) and deserve it.

After hitting up a few stores that had nothing worthy of protecting the bottoms of my feet I was like “why don’t we just go to a surf shop?”

Going to high school in a beach town in the fucking ocean state exposed ya boi to a lot of surf culture; even though I myself was not a ripple rider. I have nothing against the surfing community except the exorbitant prices of their clothes and gear. It is fucking expensive AF to be a poser, bro.

Now I totally get how cool bells and whistles can be; I loved Inspector Gadget as a kid. I own a leather man (nbd) and am well aware of how much easier smartphones have made life (minus every action you make being constantly tracked).

Enter scene Reef Sandals. They were cooler than Miles Davis during my HS years. Idk exactly when, but sometime when HD-DVDS were still a thing the bottle opener sandals became a must have item. Of course I wanted a pair to be cool and have a stealth bottle opener for all the underage drinking I partook in, but I gotta tell you a decade and pandemic later can really change your perspective. I don’t get how these are still a thing. What’s next?  A water bottle-wallet?  Suppository sunscreen?

Yeah those boots in Wild Wild West with a built in knife were sick too,  but the vast majority of the time you’re never gonna need that. Sometimes you don’t need that feature the man is trying to up sell you. If the big C has taught us anything, it’s that germs can kill and that it’s vital to be smart with money. Do you know what is covered in germs and remnants of literally everything you’ve stepped on?

The bottom of your flip flip.

​Do you know what is covered in germs and remnants of literally everything you’ve stepped on AND is anywhere from $16-$24 more than a regular pair of flip flops despite having less cushion for your feet?

The bottom of your Reef Bottle Opener Flip Flop.

I’m not a patent office so I’m not sure if other brands have figured out this groundbreaking technology of stabbing a piece of metal into rubber, but I’ve only ever seen Reef make this product. 

I know this isn’t exactly the most earth shattering take to put on the internet, but after being in the flip flop market for the first time in years and the first pandemic of my life (I think??) I was reminded that these fuck boi red flags still exist. I had to let the millions of people who don’t read this blog that DOL is officially-anti bottle opener in flip flops. Sure the first time you saw it in 2008 was cool, but that was a DOZEN years ago. Know what’s cool? Having a bottle opener on your keychain like a fucking adult and not having to open a beer with your smelly ass shoe. Imagine in three years when Covid is over that some bro offers you his flip flop to open up a Sam Summer. Are you accepting?