Yesterday I decided enough was enough and went to get my eyebrows done. I couldn't push it back any further. The thing with eyebrows are the longer you wait, the worse it is going to be, once they start filling in your in for worlds of pain. But little did I know I was about to get bamboozled by Consuela from Family Guy. This wasn't the first time this year I've had an issue with eyebrows. i-think-im-a-feminist-now.html
Usually I go to the Warwick Mall in one of those little middle of the mall koisks, near those assholes that try to spray you with perfume and sell you vapes. But honestly the ladies there fucking suck, and I'm sick of giving them my business. Tbh it's also kind of embarrassing to just be some giant guy sitting in the middle of the mall during Christmas getting judged by scumbags going shopping in pajamas for being a man getting his eyebrows threaded. Really don't need that in my life so I decided to switch it up and venture into a different location. Plus I know getting your eyebrows threaded is painful no matter where you go but I'm convinced they do a bad job with me on purpose because I'm a white man and deep down they probably blame for inequalities in the world when I have little-to-nothing to do with them. I mean what else could they be talking about in their native tongue that is so secret that it can't be said in front of me?
Anyways I go to this salon down the road from my place because I had seen an advertisement that said "eyebrow threading $9" a few weeks back and was excited. Not only could a save a whole dollar but it's also a shorter drive. You put that type of thing in the win-win category.
So I'm in this salon, getting my eyebrows threaded by what who at the time seemed like a sweet old woman from take your pick in the Pacific Rim who couldn't have been an inch over four feet tall. I think she could sleep comfortably in a crib.
Not granted she was doing a great job, can't deny that. Yeah it kind of took too long but as they say "you can't rush art" so I'm fine with her taking her time. Rather have that than those hacks at the Warwick Mall who seemingly are trying to break a speed record with every client so they can go back to huddling around an iPhone 5c watching YouTube videos of God knows what.
So we're trying to have a conversation, which obviously I hate. If it were up to me I wouldn't talk to anybody in the service industry. Not that I think I'm better than you or anything, it's just if I'm paying it should be my rules and in my rules there is no talking. You do what you gotta do, I pay, end of transaction. I'd just rather not have some uncomfortable small talk with someone I can barely understand. Sorry.
She asks me how old I am, where I normally go, then all of sudden she lowers the thread down from my eyebrow toward my cheek. I had no idea what was about to occur. This is where she starts ripping out beard hairs and I let out a minor shriek. Depending on your location in the salon you may have not heard it, but I 100% made a pain sound. Granted most of the pain I've dealt with in life has been emotional, not physical so there aren't many instances to compare this to but no lie this was probably after ruining my back in high school football the worst pain I've ever felt in my entire life. What sucks is with stuff like this you can't just stop. Once you've taken a little off you gotta even it out, not only for aesthetic purposes but also to even out the grow back process. So here I am getting my beard lined up via threading against my will. I feel like after that I can say #metoo.
After she finishes up I go to check out and to my surprise the bill is $20. Little steep IMO. I was shocked, my jaw nearly hit the ground. $20 for an eyebrow threading? What is this like Toms where it's a little overpriced because you're also buying a pair for a child in need? Was I pay for the threading of a poor 14 year old girl with a unibrow? I asked why is this my bill? She said men's eyebrows are $15 (which is fucking ridiculous why should men pay more? #equality?) and $5 for the beard. Now in my head I'm like you gotta be fucking kidding me? Granted my beard looks awesome but I 1. never asked for this service 2. had it happen to me against my will. If anything I felt like I was owed some money for the pain, or at the very least a piece candy, and was given neither. In reality I just begrudgingly said okay and paid. The more I think about it though that is some fucking bullshit. Here I am thinking this lady is "hooking me up" as a first time customer with a beard threading to try to get me to come back and do it more when he reality she's just being essentially an eyebrow mechanic adding shit to the bill that I didn't know exists. It's not right. On the day before my birthday no less. Worst part is it looks fucking incredible so I'm probably going to go back.