I was so shocked that this graphic that I left what I was doing and came home to blog this. I couldn't believe what I was seeing. I hate outrage culture but I honestly have never been more outraged in my life and had to vent. I cannot believe our nation as a whole has such horrible taste. I'm a big fall guy (as in the season, not taking blame for your friends crimes, Cris Carter), I love the weather, the clothes, the beers, the activities, football and of course Halloween. Now Halloween is a lot more about drinking than it is candy at my age but believe me candy is still very important to me.
Now I've been a huge candy guy for most of my life, but since I lost 100 pounds obviously I cannot eat it as much as I like. I'm a big chocolate candy guy, I'll eat gummy stuff if it's offered but if I'm buying candy I'm going chocolate based over gummy 100 out of 100 times. So maybe I'm a little biased but let me get off my chest what I found funny and also found so wrong with these states "candy of choice"
Alabama: Airheads
Just funny to me that a state that most educated people associate with stupidity picked "airheads" as it's favorite candy. Also I don't think I've eaten an airhead in 15 years.
West Virginia: Oreos 
Now I get it, America is becoming more and more liberal everyday. Some is cool, some is not. If you wanna dress differently, be my guest. But are we just so chill with eliminating labels, roles and terminology now that we're gonna say an Oreo is a god damn candy? I'm not gonna let this slide. Is West Virginia really that stupid that they voted a fucking cookie as their favorite "halloween candy"? Now look I love Oreos, and you know what... I love ice cream too, but are we just gonna start calling anything with sugar in it candy?
Get out of here you sibling fucking, no running water, RV crashing country bumpkins. Saying an Oreo is your favorite candy is insanity. You know Oreo's slogan is "Milk's favorite cookie" right? Is your favorite band Forrest Gump too? Get the hell out of here. New Hampshire: Tootsie Rolls 
When I saw this I almost dropped my phone I was so shocked. I didn't even know people bought tootsie rolls. I honestly don't think I've ever even seen a tootsie roll for sale in my entire life. Like I feel like it'd be a project for me to leave my house and find them at a store. They sort of just show up. They're are a part play-doh, part chocolate, part garbage.
Only time I've ever had tootsie rolls was in elementary school when teachers would buy bags of like 3000 tootsie rolls to give out to kids in class as a reward. Maybe the worst reward of all time. If you would rather have a tootsie roll than a snickers or some other conventional candy you are a lunatic. I'm vowing now to never eat another tootsie roll in my life out of respect to real candy. Oklahoma: M&M's 
Don't get me wrong, M&M's are a fine candy but they're so plain and boring it's like a child picked it. Is everybody in Oklahoma 8 years old? Regular M&M's aren't even the best kind of M&M's. Also they're low key wicked gross unless you buy a bag for yourself, because when I think M&M's I think of a bowl at someone's house that 100 people have put their grubby fingers in. I'm all set with catching the flu. A bowl of M&M's is like a petri bowl of chocolate and thin candy shells. There's just sooooooo many more candies out there and you're gonna pick plain old M&M's? If this was a poll of favorite pizza toppings Oklahoma would definitely say plain cheese. Which again is solid; but grow up and expand your pallet for me one time.
Utah: Nerds 
Nerds are a lot like Tootsie Rolls where I didn't even realize people went out of their way to buy them. Like who craves Nerds?
Makes sense that such a weird state like Utah would love Nerds. Maybe it's a Mormon thing? Do they even sell Nerds are like convenient stores and gas stations? Only time I've ever seen Nerds around are in like those rip-off candy stores at malls where it's like $8.99 for a quarter pound of candy. Also Nerds suck. Why eat nerds when you could just eat gravel? It's basically the same thing.
Maryland and Vermont: Almond Joy
I refuse to believe people actually enjoy Almond Joys. Same with Kale. At least I can understand that because it has redeeming health qualities. What does Almond Joy bring to the table besides absolutely nothing? How these are still in production along with their even worst sister candy "Mounds" is beyond me. If you offer me an Almond Joy you might as well just punch me in the face because that must be what you think of me as a human.
Arizona: Tolberone 
Now in Arizona's defense I don't even think I've ever had Tolberone. It could be fantastic. I'm just not a fan of any candy that looks like the teeth of a power saw I don't need to cut my tongue on some Swiss chocolate.
Connecticut: Reese's 
Now Reese's are my favorite Candy and it's not even close. They're the GOAT. But see I do not like Connecticut at all. Connecticut is ass. They can't decide if they wanna be New York or New England and I don't need those dicks stealing MY home state of Rhode Island's favorite Candy. People in Connecticut shouldn't be allowed experience Reese's. They have no identity so they just cheated off of our survey. Pretty interesting that Connecticut is the only state with the same answer as it's direct border state. I'm on to you.
Kentucky: Whoppers 
For my money, Whoppers are the grossest "candy" on earth. Sometimes they come in a weird milk box container. I just fucking hate these things. Whoppers are basically balls of chalk covered in crappy chocolate. If you enjoy Whoppers you have horrible taste. No effort to try to be funny here, you just straight like shitty candy. If it was up to me Whoppers would've gone out of production the second after I had my first one. I'd love to have a whopper fan explain to me what they find appealing about eating chocolate covered chalk.
Georgia: Pixy Stix & New York: Sweet Tarts
These two states don't even get their own posts. Both candies are for 4th graders. Just straight up sugar nothing else. Pixy Stix are literally just sugar and food coloring I think I could make them right now if I really wanted too. If you're an adult and eat either of these you're a joke. I know he has his movies and everything, but Wonka Candy's as a whole as garbage.
Oregon, Wyoming, Texas, Tennessee, South Carolina: Candy Corn 
Candy Corn is vile. I have a theory that they make one new batch every 10 years and just use that until they run out. Have you eaten Candy Corn recently? It's tastes like it's been sitting out in the open air for a decade. I'm trying to be less judgmental but if you like Candy Corn idk if I can be friends with you. (If you're a girl and hot I'm willing to reconsider). I'd rather eat any vegetable on earth than Candy Corn.
What I found really interesting is how many different states really enjoy this aged plastic. Oregon and Texas have about as much in common with each other as Israel and Palestine yet they both have agreed to love horrible candy.
So that sums up what I think is wrong with America's taste in Candy as whole. I'd love to keep going and have a better ending but I need to go to my job because these blogs still do not pay the bills.
I hope you enjoyed and got a decent laugh. Feel free to start comment wars debating why I'm right or wrong and what candies you think are bad.
0 Comments
Leave a Reply. |
Archives
August 2022
|
RSS Feed