There's been plenty of stuff going on domestically and abroad, so it's super understandable if you missed the lowly Arizona Cardinals hiring their new head coach, but that's why ya boi Ole Dozo is here.
I appreciate advanced numbers and analytics. I value their importance, but sometimes you have to go off vibes and vibes alone. This case is one of them. How can you expect this goober to lead grown-ass men?
Those eyes have about as much life in them as JFK and chapstick is legal in all 50 states, my guy!
The Arizona Cardinals are historically one of the biggest laughing stocks in not just the NFL but all big four Northern American sports, so it is no surprise that they'd replace Kliff Kingsbury with Murr from Impractical Jokers' hardo twin.Let's not forget they haven't had a tight end record a 100-yard game since 1989!
I'm well aware that my blogs don't exactly capture a ton of eyeballs and that my social media presence (despite my efforts) is all but existent, so what I'm about to say doesn't mean much,,, but damnit, I'm a man. And a man is nothing without his word. I am giving you, the loyal DOL reader, my word that Jonathan Gannon will be a complete failure in Arizona.
Full disclosure, I didn't know this dude's name when he was Eagles DC, but his defense did give up 31 points to a gimpy Patrick Mahomes, that was barely on the field. I've never seen more open receivers than Kadarius Toney and Skyy Moore's touchdowns in my football life.
I understand there's much more to being a good head coach than your charisma. Bill Belichick exists, and I've watched him for over 2/3s of my life. Maybe if Twitter existed in 2000 and the Pats forced Bill to record some corny ass video, his would fucking suck too, but even if that were the case, eight-year-old Dozie wouldn't have noticed.
It's so much more than just that intro video. Here's Gannon interacting with some of his players.
I am judging this book by its cover, and if I'm wrong, hand up; that's on me, but I don't think I will be. This man may be a nice guy and a good father. I'm not saying that he's not. I know basically nothing about him. Maybe he loves Tame Impala and Mac DeMarco, and I'm going to feel like a real jerk, but based on that mug, I doubt it.
That's a man who thinks music is a waste of time. I've also seen comps to Pee Wee Herman and the robot legs guy from Grandma's Boy. The second I watched that intro video, I called my shot.
I was earlier to this story than most. Over the weekend, people started realizing this guy may be a serial-killer or at the very least a creep and I decided to double-down.
People forget that In 2020, shortly after the Natty, I bet a toe that Joe Burrow (barring injury) would make the Pro Football HOF.
I feel great about that idiotic (in hopes of blowing up) wager and am following that stunt up with the tattoo tweet. If Jonathan Gannon lasts over three seasons, I will get a square-inch Arizona Cardinals tattoo on a TBD section of my body. I wish I gave a record he has to match or beat, but that's the tweet I put out there, and I'm gonna respect it (especially since it currently has 0 likes).
Now, the contract situation could fuck me. Idk how much guaranteed money this dude has on the table. I could be setting myself up for failure, especially since he's gonna get a free year due to Kyler's ACL tear, but fuck it, we're already here and I'm writing my 5th blog of the day. I have plenty of square inches to spare on this ever-shrinking body of mine. Getting it on loose skin that eventually gets removed is fair game!!
Come 2026 (it's gross to see that written out), Jonathan Gannon will no longer be the head coach of the Arizona Cardinals, and if he is, I'll get a tattoo of their logo. Should I pussy out, you can ridicule me, as I clearly risked my reputation in this blog's title.
Also, calling the Arizona Cardinals "the birds," or "bird gang" is fucking outrageous. It's like when people call the White Sox "the Sox." They're not.
This is why learning history is important, people!!! The Lions hired Matt Patricia after his defense got shredded in a Super Bowl, and the Arizona Cardinals have not learned from Detroit's mistakes and Patricia's 13-29-1 record. Gannon's defense that was allegedly one of the best in the league couldn't get off the field or force a stop in the second half (even after a 17-play 45 minute drive by the Eagles offense that gave them plenty of rest).
I smell 3-14, 7-10-1, then fired after a 2-5 start in 2025. This guy is a fucking dork, and professional athletes will not respect him. Plain and simple! How is somebody from the Bobby Petrino* Falcons a NFL head coach????