DEAR ABBY: I’m not attracted to my husband. I love him and don’t want to live without him, but I do not want to be physically intimate with him.
I know it is unfair to him, and I have tried everything from antidepressants to meditation to diet, but nothing works.
I used to have a high libido, but I haven’t wanted to have sex with him in years. We do it maybe two or three times a month because I force myself to, but it is unpleasant for me. He doesn’t want to guilt me into sex and hates that I force myself, but he has a very high libido.
We are in our mid-20s and I know this is killing him — and us.
I am attracted to some (but very few) others — just not to him. I have always been more emotionally attracted to women than men, but I don’t think that is it.
I need help before our marriage starts to crumble. — AVOIDING IT IN SOUTH CAROLINA
DEAR AVOIDING IT: I can’t wave a magic wand and make you more physically attracted to your husband. I can suggest that the most sensitive sexual organ in a woman’s body resides between her ears.
However, I am not qualified to diagnose whether your problem may be of a physical nature. That’s why I’m advising you to ask your doctor to perform a thorough physical examination. If he or she finds nothing amiss, ask the doctor — or your health insurance company — to refer you to a licensed mental health professional who can help you figure out what’s going on.
I've seen Pres in the past reply to Boston.com Love Letters and this post is essentially me doing the same thing with a random story I found on yahoo while looking for blog-worthy topics. Trying to expand my writing horizon, nothing too noteworthy. Just growing as a human. Given that tomorrow is Valentine's Day I figured this would be a great place to start. It is well documented that I am a fantastic advise guy.
Dear Avoiding It: Before we get started I'm not 100% sure if this is a lovers' quarrel per-say, but now that I have your attention as you clicked my blog let's proceed.
As someone who can count their past sexual partners in one hand and still have enough room throw up a peace sign, I feel as if I am overqualified to discuss your intimacy issues. I too have been there before!
I could go after the obvious and say if you're in your mid-20's and already not attracted to your spouse that this marriage probably isn't the best idea, so I will. Just end it now before you make things much worse and end up getting pregnant during one of these loveless sex-sessions that you do not enjoy.
Attraction is paramount for a successful relationship and something that I find absolutely fascinating. What causes attraction? I've spent many years alone, and see complete douche bags doing very well with the opposite sex, I've seen men either uglier than me or even larger than me with woman that are excuse my language, hot. It blows my mind, what do they have that I don't? But sometimes attraction is something you can not explain, and many times is more complex than just physical appearance. For example when a chick has good taste in music or a fantastic ass I find it very attractive. I would suggest if you really want to make things work figure out something about your husband that you find attractive.
Attraction is the key differentiating factor between friendship and relationship. By the looks of it you've just married your best friend, given how much you care but are not physically invested.
However, even if you don't think your partner is the most conventionally physically attractive person alive, it doesn't mean things cannot work. Fat men like myself have been using senses of humor since the beginning of time to out kick their coverage. Other's use things like social status, and power maintain an attractive partner. Maybe you love how your partner smells, or the fact that they come from wealth. Regardless, sexual relations are sort of an important factor that differentiate friendship and something more. You don't have sex with your friends. As I'll explain in my next paragraph.
I love my friends, whenever we text I am sure to end every conversion with "I love you, _______" so they know for sure. It's my calling card and just what bros do. I could spend hours upon hours doing nothing with them and be content. Let's watch football all day, then gossip, and maybe even cuddle, you know classic guy stuff. I could even live with them and that would be swell! Let's go get some food, friend! Better yet I'll cook for you! I'm always down. However when it comes to sexual chemistry, with most of them there is next to none, so that thought doesn't even come into play. Do I ponder how much easier things would be if there was? Of course. Do I think about what they look naked? Obviously. I'm curious to see what they're working with. but this isn't about me or them, we're talking about you and your issues.
Avoiding it, I would say that you have a few options.
1. Get divorced. It's not 1955 anymore. I get it you live in South Carolina but you can get divorced and not be shunned by society. Call it quits and start over.
2. Deal with your lack of attraction and just stay. Millions of married couples worldwide don't fuck, you're not special. It is weird how it's happened so early, usually takes a few more years but I guess you're just ahead of schedule. Perhaps try doggie-style or reverse cowgirl to avoid eye contact?
3. Start eating box. You already said you're more emotional attracted to woman. Switch sides for a few months and see if that helps.
4. Kill yourself. I'm just saying the "end game now" button is always is play.
Of course there are countless more options, you could have your partner lose weight or get plastic surgery, but I don't know your financial situation. You could think about what he used to do to rev your engine, or like millions of other people just pretend he's somebody else. I think I've given you more than enough advice, now Avoiding It, it is up to you!
Sincerely your friend,
P.S. go with option 4.