Just What the World Needs....Home Alone 6 Comes out on November 12th!

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A little over a month ago, I shared a flipbook I made just two days before 9/11.

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A post shared by Ole Dozo (@dozonlife)

While I loved making flipbooks about skateboarding and scootering, Home Alone sequels were my favorite creations. The pranks were the peak of comedy to single-digit-Dozie, so of course, I took a stab at them. I've always been making content! Unfortunately, I've only found three of my old flipbooks, and they're all extreme sport-related, but I made over 50 Home Alone sequels in elementary school. 

I led off with that backstory to help explain that I fucking love Home Alone. I've been hooked since my parents measured my age in months. As all my die-hard readers know, I'm 29 years old, so while I was born in between Home Alone and Home Alone 2: Lost In New York's releases, they were my jam growing up. Idgaf, I even love the 3rd one with Max Keeble and Scar Jo. After that, it's like American Pie sequels; they don't count. I saw the 4th one once on ABC Family, and hand up, I didn't even know there was a 5th one.

Today, Disney+ released a trailer for the 6th Home Alone, "Home Sweet Home Alone," starring Archie Yates (Jojo Rabbit) as the new Kevin, except his name is Max.

When this drops on Disney+, I'll be 33 days away from 30, so I know I'm not exactly the target demo. HOWEVAAAA, as someone who grew up watching the wet/sticky bandits get blasted with paint cans, electrocuted, and used as a detonator for a toilet bomb,,, that is theoretically old enough to have small children of my own, I also sort of am the target demo. 

Home Alone fans know that the first two movies are essentially the same concept, but the idea was actually possible during that period. Like, you could never remake Dude Where's My Car in a world with easy access to GPS and location tracking

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Same goes for Home Alone. Now you can just facetime your neighbor and ask them to check on the kids or even watch them until you get home from neglecting them.

Kids are a lot smarter than we give them credit for, so I can overlook the logistics of all the booby-traps and just enjoy the first three movies, but I can't get past the lunacy that this is an actual issue still occurring in 2021.

I mean, I'm sure parents still make mistakes and forget their kids, but did we see that fucking mansion where Max lives? Are we supposed to believe that that place doesn't have smart-door bells, a state-of-the-art alarm system, and every square inch covered in security cameras? This mom's vibe screams, "I track the apps on my kid's devices," so I have a hard time believing that poor Max can even drop a deuce without his mom knowing his exact whereabouts OR the authorities didn't show up when the alarms get triggered. A generation of kids raised by iPads will see right through that.

Lost in New York came out almost ten years before 9/11, so we can understand how Kevin got onto the wrong plane, but today that's impossible. Even if this wealthy family has TSA pre-check, there's still plenty of time before boarding an international flight to realize the kid is missing. 

Plus, let's say you somehow don't realize until you're in Japan; if you're going to Tokyo for Christmas (and live in a MANSION), I think you can afford to get right back on a plane and go home. I get it; it's a movie for kids, but also totally for adults too. I mean, come on, Stevie Wonder can see through these plot holes.

I just hate remakes. Revivals are okay (I'll give That 90's Show a chance; I'm happy to see Red and Kitty working again), but these switch the gender or race remakes are such lazy, risk-averse bullshit by these big studios. Just like democracy, creativity is in hospice. Make no mistake; this isn't the 6th movie. It's a remake of the OG Home Alones in a setting where the plot is no longer feasible. You don't need to try to replicate them. Let new generations get their own stories with their own characters. They can stream the classics.

If you're going to make a sequel for Home Alone, how about the Wet/Sticky Bandits (or their illegitimate kids) fucking with Kevin McAllister and his family in the present day? That's something all generations can get behind. Make Home Alone go full circle instead of "let's make the protagonist British, and re-use the original scripts verbatim."

Will I watch this? Yeah, probably, I like a bunch of actors listed in the cast, but that doesn't change the fact that this is lazy, hacky, bull shit. At least, Buzz landed on his feet. 

P.S.

Obvi Kevin/Alex/Max would get shot before their 2nd prank in real life. Again, it's a movie for kids, I get it. Maybe it won't suck, but on paper, it's incredibly lazy.