My New Year Resolutions
Everybody's favorite year 2016 is basically over. Tomorrow is New Years Eve (day), then come Sunday we'll be onto 2017. Just like that 2016 is done.
For some that means nothing more than it's time to hang up a new calendar. You made it another year, congrats.
However for many it means a fresh start, or a reset. I for one know that's how I'm looking at it. I'm a big "last horrah" guy. Always start diets on Monday for that reason. Using the New Year as a metaphorical line in the sand as to when I'm going to miraculously make positive changes in my life is something I've been doing for years. Dude I'm gonna be eating healthy next week, I can totally have this entire pizza right now.
I basically pulled a Toby and mentality checked out for the year around my birthday, knowing I could just use something as trivial as the year changing as excuse to change.
December 30, 2016
While I think the whole idea of New Year Resolutions is kind of stupid ("New Year, New Me" people are the worst). I do appreciate people wanting to make changes for the better. Sure they're usually wicked unrealistic, with no true plan of action that causes people to go back to their normal ways by President's Day but it doesn't matter, sometimes it's truly the thought that counts. Just look at it this way, when you inevitability fail you can always start over next year. Of course I'm kidding. while the idea of using the date to change is kind of stupid if that's all it takes for someone to make some positive changes in their life than I'm all for it.
That's why I'm here! I'm going to help you by sharing my resolutions for 2017. Not trying to set the world on fire, just trying to make the 2017 model of me a little better than the 2016. Whether that happens or not remains to be seen.
With all that being said let's take a look at my official resolutions for 2017. Let's start by setting the bar incredibily high.
Many resolutions/goals for the new year are a little too unrealistic. You're really gonna learn a new language at like 48 years old? Yeah right.
Sometimes you gotta start with lay-up. Remember the show "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?" Where the $100 question was always something like "Who was the first President?*" or "What color is grass?**" just to get you rolling and get your confidence for the game up?
That's basically what my first resolution is all about. Not dying is a fantastic goal for any new year. Gotta start with an easy one. Sure you want to read more, but you can't do that if you're dead. Gotta walk before you run basically. Can't build a house with a foundation. Blah, blah blah I could go all day with the cliches.
But if you fail at this resolution then the rest don't really matter too much do they? Plus if you do make it to 2018 you get to cross at least one 2017 goal off the list. So congrats in advance to most of you! It's always nice to start with a softy so I'd recommend this as a resolution for all in 2017.
*George Washington and **Green for those of you playing at home.
Spend More Money
I know what you're thinking? Dozo another typo-ridden blog??? Didn't you mean to save more? No you read that correctly and let me explain why:
Your boy is 25 years old and I need a real job. Subbing, pizza life and the occasional uber stint isn't cutting it. I still don't know what I want to do, and it's terrifying but all I know is I need more money for the life I want to live.
If I just spend like I have a desposible income then that money is gonna need to come from somewhere. Economics 101. Can't spend what you don't have. Duh! So if I keep spending then I'm gonna have to find a real job to keep up with my habits. So the way I see it is eventually I'll be forced to find legit work in order to fuel my spending needs. Solve a problem, by creating another problem. Like getting pregnant to save a relationship. It always works. By being irresponsible, I'm actually being very responsible. It's honestly fool proof and I don't know what took me so long to think of it.
Learn More About Wine
All I know about wine is that you're not supposed to refrigerate red. Seems crazy to me, no beverage tastes good at room temperature. Gotta be hot or cold.
I'm getting off track though...from what is potrayed in tv/movies and social media chicks love wine. I am a fan of the ladies so anything that can help my chances is a good thing. It seems like a no brainer to become more educated in something that could help me with the ladyfolk. Drop some knowledge out of nowhere about cabernet. I'm just trying to be a well rounded 21st century man. Plus it's another way to drink. As a fan of that activity and 25 year old it's time to broaden my horizons.
Stop Falling Asleep at Events
Sure my resolution could just be "don't drink" but that's about as realistic as having "be happy" or "make your parents proud" as one. I just want to be the guy who's not asleep at 10:00 at a party.
Over the course of my life, I've been known to put a few back with the best of them. However this year after not drinking for like 4 months I lost all my abilities. Now I just fall asleep when I've had one too many. Usually it's also because I'll go out on an empty stomach, but that's just because I'm trying to save calories. I should be getting praised. Instead I'm made a mockery. I guess in once sense it's good since it stops me from doing embarrassing things but at the same point when you're the large man passed out at 9:00pm at a wedding, that in itself is just as, if not more embarrassing.
In 2016 I fell asleep at a concert, a wedding, a bar(s), and a Christmas party. Not ideal. I'll raise my hand on that one. That's my bad. All I can promise is to try to be better. Hopefully in 2017 I'll learn how to handle booze like an adult.
Be Less Awkward
I used to think being fat was why I did so poorly with the ladies. Don't get me wrong, it definitely plays a big role, but over this last year I've began to realize that I may be the most awkward person of all time. I don't know what to do or how to fix it. Do I just lie to myself and pretend to be some hot shot? I'm about as smooth as stucco. People will see right through that.
Like I went out with a girl this year and I thought her foot was the table post for about an hour and kept inadvertently kicking it all day, when she told that was her foot and not the table I might as well have just melted into a ball right then and there. Shockingly things did not end greatly.
I just get wicked uncomfortable in new social situations. I won't even eat lunch in the teacher's lounge when I'm subbing because I'm so worried I'll embarrass myself in a professional setting. Rather just eat alone in my room like Steven Glansburg. I don't understand why I'm like this because I'm the fucking man I have nothing to worry about (see I'm trying to be faslely cocky), yet in my head I'm like a bumbling, nervous idiot who says "you too" when a waiter says "enjoy your food".
I don't know if there's pills or like a class I can take but in 2017 I need to be less of an awkward mess.
Mix in a Salad
Again we're all about being realistic here. I'm not a salad guy. I've tried. I do not like the way they taste, I do not enjoy them. They are not fun. But I also do not enjoy being a fat piece of shit. That's not fun either. I lost a ton of weight this year and was very public about it. I'm nowhere close to where I used to be but have definitely put some pounds back on. I do not want to be the guy who made a huge deal about changing for the good only to go back to where I was. Not a good look for your boy.
With being realistic I know I'm not gonna crush salads on the regular, but I mean if I can substitute a salad in a few times a week instead of pizza and burritos I can only imagine that will have a positive impact on my life. I'll just bite the bullet and start mixing in salads more in 2017.
A little seriousness (but not really) to end this post. If I'm still living at home on NYE 2017 fucking kill me.
Leave a Reply.